Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 9 - Foosball and Nocturnal Vigilantism - full transcript

When a group of arrogant students commandeer the foosball table at school, Jeff and Shirley unite to defeat them. Meanwhile, Annie accidentally breaks Abed's new limited edition "Dark Knight" DVD and claims that someone broke into the apartment and stole it. Things snowball out of control when Abed thinks he knows who took the DVD and sets about getting it back.

Happy Friday, everybody.
What are you doing this weekend?

The question is,
who am I doing this weekend?

He's asking because
he's already forgotten.

It's nobody.

I'm volunteering
at the animal hospital.

- Aw.
- Animal hospital?

The animals are the patients.

That makes sense.

Yeah, Dr. Zizmor's
letting me work off

the cost
of Daniel's eye surgery.

Wait. You won't spend money
on a name-brand phone,



but you got lasik
for your geriatric cat?

He only has the one eye, Jeff.

I can't exactly buy him
a cat monocle, can I?

It's pretentious.

And for your information,
this is a totorola.

Troy and I will be having
a very special Saturday night,

as in Dark Knight.

It came! Our limited-edition,
$299 Dark Knight DVD

with bonus footage,
special commentary,

and a Christian Bale autograph,

including a personalized message
of up to four words!

"Abed is Batman now,
Christian Bale."

- It's official.
- From the man himself.

May I have that back, Annie?
Thank you.



And just to clarify,
if you see this lying out,

I'm still using it,
so you don't have

to take it to the kitchen,
dump it out, and wash the bowl.

Is this about
your buttered noodles?

I didn't say that.

- Yes!
- Into your face!

Your tears reveal
your weakness!

What is it
with those tools and foosball?

- They've been at it for weeks.
- I think they're European.

It's probably a more important
game over there.

Foosball's like the soccer
of ping-pong.

- I can't take it anymore.
- Oh, Jeffrey, let them be.

Gentlemen, my name
is Clarence Thaddeus Foos.

My grandfather,
Fletcher Morton Foos,

invented this game
for one purpose--

to have the loudest,
dumbest thing happen.

Now it has.

The game of foosball
is completed.

You're free to return

to your undoubtedly
hearing-impaired families.

Tell you what,
we'll stop playing,

if you can score a point on us.

Tempting, but then wouldn't
I be playing foosball?

And, if so, how would I not
be a loud, weird knob?

Free shot.

I'm not even touching
the foosenschaften.

Sorry, luftballons.
I'm above it.

Boo-yah!

I wish there was a word
to describe the pleasure I feel

at viewing misfortune.

'Tis the face of a broken man.

Jeff. Smile.

- Uh, uh...
- Ooh!

They, uh, --
they come in a six-pack.

♪ Give me some more
time in a dream ♪

♪ give me the hope
to run out of steam ♪

♪ somebody said
we could be here ♪

♪ we could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

♪ one by one they all
just fade away ♪

Oh--

Buttered noodles.

I'm allowed to throw out
the dust, right?

Yeah.

What's wrong?

I-I...

Why?

- I stepped on it.
- Why?

- I was dusting the tv.
- Why?

I can run out and get
a new one before he gets home.

Oh, sure, Annie.

And--and then we just have
to record

fake exclusive commentary
by Christian Bale.

Go ahead, you first.

This scene
was a special challenge

- to all involved--
- Stop it!

That's not a real option!

The disc
is irreplaceably awesome!

What if we got
a different disc, and--

Annie, do you know
how many sitcoms

have done the "secretly replace
a broken, priceless item" thing?

'Cause Abed does.

Abed knows everything,

and I know you think you
can think your way out of this

with your "thinkiness,"
but don't think too much.

You just have to confess.

- Okay?
- Okay.

We shot this scene on location--

Okay, he's right. It won't work.

Jeffrey?
What--what are you doing?

Hmm? Oh.

You know, I just thought...

Next time those deutsche-bags
try to show off,

maybe I can catch them
by surprise.

Jeff, you don't need to worry
what foreigners think about you.

That's your birthright
as an American.

Okay...

Small confession.

I used to love foosball.

It was a great
after-school game

for a lonely kid
with no dad--

you know, just masculine enough

without having to know
how to throw or catch.

I have seen you throw.

And it was fun...

Till I started getting bullied
by people like those Germans.

So I quit.

Well, you did the right thing.

Foosball is a vile game
for vile people.

Shirley, you wouldn't get it.
It's a guy thing.

It's not
a fresh-baked-pie thing.

Well, I might get it a little.

You don't know me.

Ho...Ly...Crap.

All right, I think I figured
out the viewing order--

original version,
director's cut,

director's cut with commentary,

and then original version
cool-down.

- Yeah, we'll see.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, you guys.

We've been robbed!

Oh, man.

I can't believe we got robbed.

Shirley, Shirley.

You have to teach me.

Please, help me beat
those evil power krauts.

Don't you get it, Jeff?

They're not evil people
that are good at foosball.

They are good at foosball
because they're evil.

It's an evil game
that brings out the worst in us,

like--like out-of-town weddings
where the reception's

in the same place
as everybody's rooms?

Great. After three years
of religious advice

and carb-laden pastries,

you finally have one thing
I actually need, and--

I'm sorry.

Um, that was rude.

It--it shouldn't be
so important to me.

I'll, uh...
I'll see you Monday.

Jeff...

Tomorrow, dawn--

be in the student lounge.

Shirley, you are the best.

Dear lord, please forgive me.

And please have mercy on him.

The stakes
have never been higher.

Shut up, Leonard.

I found your YouTube page.

What's the point
in reviewing frozen pizza?

You're talking about it.

Well, that is true.

Now, Jeffrey...

The key to winning foosball

is to tap into your darkness,

so I need you to promise
you won't judge

the side of me
that might come out.

Shirley...

I'm gonna be perfectly blunt
with you.

The few times that
you've been a little bad

are the times
I've liked you most.

- Really?
- Remember making fun

of Britta's boyfriend's
tiny nipples?

Oh, yeah, they were tiny.

Remember what you did
to Pierce's hoagie?

That was so disturbing,
I almost proposed on the spot.

Now, come on,
show me how to dominate.

All right, Winger,
hands on the grips.

I'm coming up
on your right side

in three, two, one!

You know why you can't stop me?

'Cause I'm not playing a game.

For you, it's winning
and losing.

For me, it's life and death.

That's how I win.

That's where you have to go.

No more thought,
no more feeling.

Kill or be killed.
Kill or be killed, little man.

Think back
to when this game mattered,

before you got to be too cool.

Stop acting like you're
not ashamed right now.

Follow that shame to the fear.

Follow that fear to the rage.

You put that rage--
aah!

Up your ass, Turkey.
Ha ha!

There's only two ways
off this table--

kill or be killed.

- Say it.
- Kill or be killed.

I said say it, mumbles!

- Kill or be killed.
- Kill!

- Kill!
- Kill!

Kill!

Yeah!

You called me Turkey.

I love it.

Sorry we couldn't get a car
over here until now.

Our captain was killed
on duty last night.

My God, I'm so sorry.

Yeah.
Good man--

leaves behind two kids
and a pregnant wife.

So you're missing a Batman DVD?

My Dark Knight extended
extended cut--it wasn't insured.

Well, there's no sign
of forced entry

on your door or windows.

You sure it wasn't
just misplaced?

Someone definitely broke in.

Some of my jewelry's missing.

You sure about that, Annie?

Mm-hmm.
My necklace.

It was gold--
white gold--

with emeralds.

And my name engraved in Hebrew.

It was a bat mitzvah gift
from my Nana.

She was a rockette.
She married a count.

He was blind.
He loved her for her mind.

That's good color
for the report,

but I got to be honest,

small stuff like this
almost never turns up.

- Oh, no, Abed.
- We'll be in touch. Say...

You look familiar.

Did I ever pretend to shoot
a guy in front of you

to teach you about gun safety?

I'm really good at faces.

Well, I guess
the only upside to this is

it's brought us closer together
as roommates.

Something doesn't add up.

If there was no forced entry,
it had to be an inside job.

- We don't know that.
- And instead of taking cash,

pharmaceuticals, laptops,
they take what?

My Batman DVD, and one piece

of oddly ornate
Hebrew-themed jewelry?

- Nana gave it.
- It's smoke.

- It's a ruse, a lie.
- Hmm?

I think I know
what happened here.

Abed, I--

The landlord did it.

It all makes sense.

Rick has keys
to every apartment--means.

He knows when we're coming
and going--opportunity.

And he was dressed as the Joker
for Halloween--motive.

- Hmm.
- Something's got to be done.

Oh, let's not leap
to thing-doing.

Right, Annie?

Double strike.

Got it.

Back blast.

Boom!

Viper shot.

- Nailed it!
- Oh, look...

How cute--
you do like foosball,

you just have to practice
with your mama.

What are you guys doing here
on a Saturday night?

Shouldn't you be making
weird art movies

- or well-engineered cars?
- You take that back!

We came to play.
Get away from our table.

- We're using it, strudel-brain.
- Nice.

Then play us for it.

Fine.
Monday morning--

only let's make it interesting.

The losers never get to use
this table again.

Oh, you are so on
that things have now

become very much like
Donkey Kong.

We're gonna kick das butt.

- Nice.
- Thank you.

Enough teutonic punnery.

Monday morning you get this...

Were you guys walking around
with a soccer ball

just so you could do that?

They left the ball
and everything.

I think they were literally
walking around with it

like a prop to use.

That's, like, a $25 dollar bit,
and it's not even that good.

You have got
to come clean, okay?

I don't know what he's doing
in there, but it feels dramatic.

I'm sure he's already moved on
to some other obsession.

Oh, look, fun.

The police are powerless.

I must take justice
into my own hands.

Men like Rick operate
above the law.

But there's something else
above the law...

Bats...

And me.

Abed, don't do
anything drastic.

Yeah, maybe we should
all just take a step back and--

Aw, is that the grappling hook
I got you for Christmas?

The night beckons.

Its black fingers
curl and uncurl,

going, like,
"hey, come here."

Abed, wait!

Wait. I did it.

I stepped on your DVD,
and it broke,

and I staged
a break-in to cover it up.

If that were true,

you would've come forward
a long time ago.

You're lying to keep me
out of danger.

But there can be no peace

while crime spits and dances
on the grave of justice

to the hot beats
of infectious rhythms

of all that is wrong.

- Oh!
- Just...

- Use your foot.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!

You're okay--okay.

Ooh!

Abed...

- Oh!
- Oh!

Troy!
What are we gonna do?

Now you're open to input?

I'm following him.

You moving in here
was supposed to tone us down.

So, Shirley, tell me--

how does someone
with your talent for foosball

ever stop playing?

Oh, I don't want to talk
about that.

Oh, come on, we're, like,
best friends now.

Don't back away from this.
Open up to me.

Okay, well...

When I was a kid,
I had anger, Jeff--

real bad anger--
and foosball was a release.

But I didn't just--
just beat people.

I-I broke 'em.

One time I was running
this table

over at this Y.M.C.A
across town,

and I was really giving it
to this kid--

this skinny little white boy,
no offense.

He started crying.
They always started crying.

But something about this boy

made me want to take it
all the way.

I started jabbing him
with the rods until...

The boy peed himself.

Everybody laughed.
I laughed.

But after that,
the game lost its flavor.

Once you make
a boy pee his pants,

you start thinking
about where your life is headed.

Jeff, what's wrong?

Gonna kill you!

Your ass is mine!

You're such a punk!

You like being beat by a girl?

Yes!

What are you crying for?

Your mama cannot help you,

and I know your daddy
ain't around,

or you wouldn't play
like a bitch.

Ha!

Ooh.

Oh, my goodness gracious.
Is that what I think?

I just beat this kid
all the way to tinkle-town.

Tinkle-town, tinkle-town,
tinkle-town, tinkle-town.

Tinkle-town,
tinkle-town, tinkle-town,

tinkle-town, tinkle-town.

You were Big Cheddar?

Who told you that--

Oh, dear lord.

You're tinkle-town?

Don't call me that.

All your fake sweetness
and religion

is just a veil covering
a horrible monster.

And I had a lot
of Mountain Dew that day!

There's an 80 percent chance

you can't leave Woodstock
until you bone these hippies.

Oh, boy.

Aah!

You know what I came for, scum.

Where is it?

In the closet.
In the closet, man.

- Abed, stop it!
- Get him!

I mean, stop it.

They're in the closet.

I knew I'd get caught.
Just don't hurt me, Batman.

Closet.

Women's shoes?

But Rick doesn't have a wife...

Or women's feet.

Wait.
My summertime ballet flats?

I thought I lost these
in the move.

Is it there?
Does he have the DVD?

- The what?
- The DVD.

He has it, all right.

And it looks like he broke it.

Ah.

Who are you?

If you had something to say,

why not put it
in the text message?

I wasn't sure what to say.

Do you understand

what you did to me...
Big Cheddar?

Please don't call me that.

Why not?
It's what you are--

a mean, nasty bully.

I was 12 years old.

I peed!

I had to change schools.

I changed everything--

my clothes, my hair,
my personality--

because of you.

What a waste.

I wish I could take a picture
of you right now

and send it
to my ten-year-old self.

Watch it, Winger.

You don't have a trademark
on self-pity.

- I will defend myself.
- Good.

Bring the cheddar...

Big Cheddar.

I'm gonna put you
on the express train

back to tinkle-town!

- Argh!
- Uh!

Uh!
Aah!

- Uh!
- Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Ah!

- Die!
- Never!

Argh!

Argh!

Ah!

- You get it.
- No, you get it.

You're the one
that needs the advantage.

Wrong. Wrong!

Every game I ever won,
I won fairly.

Foosball was how I measured
my value as a man.

You took that away!

Why do think I had to?

You try sprouting three feet

just when boys
are about to look at you.

Everyone stopped liking me.

This game is all I had.

- It's all I had.
- Well, that's stupid.

You're a perfectly fine person.

So are you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I'm sorry, Jeff.

You don't have anything
to be sorry for, Shirley.

So Rick has agreed to stay
out of your apartment

as long as you stay out of his.

And I'm getting tired
of saying this to people,

but these things
wouldn't happen

if you'd invest
in a simple shoe safe.

That's it?

Now we just live upstairs
from this...

Guy that's really
into footwear?

Sweetie, you're a renter.

Look forward to owning a house.

Be glad he's not into heads.

Thanks for your help, officer,

and if you should ever need me,

I usually get out
of school around 4:00.

This guys sleeps outside your
room, though, and that's okay?

Uh...

There's one thing
I don't understand.

Why would Rick deny
taking my DVD?

And why break it?

Well, maybe he stepped on it
by accident

and felt really,
really, really bad.

All the more reason to confess.

Well, not everybody's
perfect, Abed.

Batman. And I am.

Well, Batman,

on behalf of all of us
that aren't perfect,

can I just say
I'm sorry I broke your DVD?

Apology accepted.

But I wouldn't mention it
to Abed.

That guy's pretty ruthless.

And that's coming from Batman.

Hey, guys.

Abed, where have you been?

Troy, really?

Let it go.

Aw, black in the house!

- My hand is cramping.
- It's fine.

Oh.
Hey, freudenkatzen.

Ready for your schpankin'?

Just like we practiced?

Let's shut 'em down.

Ha ha ha.
Let's dance, David Bowie.

Get the ball, Karl.

I'm trying,
and stop yelling at me.

Stop being such a schvine!

Aren't you guys
playing foosball?

We've played enough
for one lifetime.

We're gonna go see a movie.

Since when are those two
so close?

Hello. This is November 29th

and I'm Leonard,

and today I'm reviewing.

Eugenio's four cheese
frozen pizza.

That's $5.99 at Kroger's.

I've tried it before,
and we'll see.

Mmm!

Mmm, the cheese is good.

The sauce is good too.

Mm, well,
it's definitely a buy.

Eugenio's four cheese
frozen pizza--

a buy.

See you next time.

♪ I'm as high as hell ♪

♪ and you're about
to get shot ♪