Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 9 - Foosball and Nocturnal Vigilantism - full transcript

Happy Friday, everybody.
What are you doing this weekend?

The question is,
who am I doing this weekend?

He's asking 'cause he's forgotten.
It's nobody.

I'm volunteering
at the animal hospital.

- Animal hospital?
- The animals are the patients.

That makes sense.

Dr. Zizmor's letting me work off
the cost of Daniel's eye surgery.

You won't spend money
on a name-brand phone,

but you got lasik
for your geriatric cat?

He only has the one eye, Jeff.

I can't exactly
buy him a cat monocle, can I?



It's pretentious.

And for your information,
this is a Totorola.

We will be having
a very special Saturday night,

as in Dark Knight.

It came! Our limited-edition,
$299 Dark Knight DVD

with bonus footage, special commentary,
and a Christian Bale autograph,

including a personalized message
of up to four words!

Abed is Batman now, Christian Bale.

- It's official.
- From the man himself.

May I have that back?
Thanks.

If you see this lying out,
I'm using it, you don't have

- to dump it out, and wash the bowl.
- Is this about your buttered noodles?

I didn't say that.

- Into your face!
- Your tears reveal your weakness!



What is with those tools and foosball?
They've been at it for weeks.

I think they're European.
Probably a important game over there.

Foosball's like the soccer
of ping-pong.

- I can't take it anymore.
- Jeffrey, let them be.

Gentlemen,
my name is Clarence Thaddeus Foos.

My grandfather, Fletcher Morton Foos,

invented this game for one purpose:

to have the loudest,
dumbest thing happen.

Now it has.

The game of foosball is completed.

You're free to return to your
undoubtedly hearing-impaired families.

Tell you what, we'll stop playing,
if you can score a point on us.

Tempting,
but then wouldn't I be playing foosball?

And, if so,
how would I not be a loud, weird knob?

Free shot.

I'm not even touching
the foosenschaften.

Sorry, luftballons.
I'm above it.

I wish there was a word
to describe the pleasure I feel

at viewing misfortune.

'Tis the face of a broken man.

Jeff. Smile.

They come in a six-pack.

- Feygnasse Team -

.:: La Fabrique::.

3x09: Foosball and Nocturnal Vigilantism

Buttered noodles.

I'm allowed to throw out the dust,
right?

What's wrong?

Why?

- I stepped on it.
- Why?

- I was dusting the TV.
- Why?

I can run out and get a new one.

Sure, Annie.

And then we just have to record

fake exclusive commentary
by Christian Bale.

Go ahead, you first.

This scene was a special challenge
to all involved...

That's not a real option!

The disc is irreplaceably awesome!

What if we got a different disc,
and...

Annie, do you know how many sitcoms

have done the "secretly replace
a broken, priceless item" thing?

'Cause Abed does.

Abed knows everything,

and I know you think
you can think your way out of this

with your "thinkiness,"

but don't think too much.

You just have to confess.

We shot this scene on location.

Okay, he's right. It won't work.

Jeffrey?
What are you doing?

You know, I just thought...

Next time those Deutsche-bags
try to show off,

maybe I can catch them by surprise.

You don't need to worry
what foreigners think about you.

That's your birthright
as an American.

Small confession.

I used to love foosball.

It was a great after-school game

for a lonely kid with no dad.

Just masculine enough without having
to know how to throw or catch.

I have seen you throw.

And it was fun...

'Till I started getting bullied
by people like those Germans.

So I quit.

Well, you did the right thing.

Foosball is a vile game
for vile people.

You wouldn't get it. It's a guy thing.
It's not a fresh-baked-pie thing.

Well, I might get it a little.

You don't know me.

Ho... Ly... Crap.

I think I figured out
the viewing order.

Original version, director's cut,

director's cut with commentary,
and then original version cool-down.

Yeah, we'll see.

Oh, my God, you guys.

We've been robbed!

I can't believe we got robbed.

You have to teach me.

Please, help me beat
those evil power krauts.

Don't you get it, Jeff?

They're not evil people
that are good at foosball.

They are good at foosball
because they're evil.

It's an evil game
that brings out the worst in us,

like a wedding where the reception's
in the same place as everybody's rooms?

Great.
After three years of religious advice

and carb-laden pastries,

you finally have one thing
I actually need, and...

I'm sorry.

That was rude.

It shouldn't be so important to me.

I'll see you Monday.

Tomorrow, dawn.
Be in the student lounge.

Shirley, you are the best.

Dear Lord, please forgive me.

And please have mercy on him.

The stakes have never been higher.

Shut up, Leonard.

I found your Youtube page.

What's the point
in reviewing frozen pizza?

You're talking about it.

Well, that is true.

Jeffrey, the key to winning foosball
is to tap into your darkness,

I need you to promise you won't judge
the side of me that might come out.

I'm gonna be perfectly blunt
with you.

The few times you've been a little bad
are the times I've liked you most.

Really?

Remember joking
of Britta's boyfriend's nipples?

- Yeah, they were tiny.
- And what you did to Pierce's hoagie?

That was so disturbing,
I almost proposed on the spot.

Now, come on,
show me how to dominate.

All right, Winger,
hands on the grips.

I'm coming up on your right side
in three, two, one!

You know why you can't stop me?
'Cause I'm not playing a game.

For you, it's winning and losing.
For me, it's life and death.

That's how I win.
That's where you have to go.

No more thought,

no more feeling.

Kill or be killed.
Kill or be killed. Kill, little man.

Think back to when this game mattered,
before you got to be too cool.

Stop acting like you're not ashamed.

Follow that shame to the fear.

Follow that fear to the rage.

You put that rage!

Up your ass, turkey.

There's only two ways off this table:

Kill or be killed.
Say it.

- Kill or be killed.
- Say it!

- Kill or be killed.
- Kill!

You called me turkey.

I love it.

Sorry we couldn't get a car
over here until now.

Our captain was killed
on duty last night.

My God, I'm so sorry.

Good man.

Leaves behind two kids
and a pregnant wife.

So you're missing a Batman DVD?

My Dark Knight extended
extended cut-it wasn't insured.

There's no sign of forced entry
on your door or windows.

You sure it wasn't just misplaced?

Someone definitely broke in.
Some of my jewelry's missing.

You sure about that?

My necklace.

It was gold.
White gold.

With emeralds.

And my name engraved in Hebrew.
It was a Bat Mitzvah gift from my nana.

She was a rockette.
She married a count.

He was blind.
He loved her for her mind.

That's good color for the report,
but I got to be honest,

small stuff like this
almost never turns up.

- Oh, no, Abed.
- We'll be in touch. Say...

You look familiar.

Did I ever pretend to shoot a guy
in front of you to teach you gun safety?

I'm really good at faces.

I guess the only upside to this is
it's brought us closer together.

Something doesn't add up.

If there was no forced entry,
it had to be an inside job.

- We don't know.
- Instead of cash,

pharmaceuticals, laptops,
they take what?

My Batman DVD, and one piece

of oddly ornate
Hebrew-themed jewelry?

- Nana gave it.
- It's smoke.

It's a ruse, a lie.

I think I know what happened here.

The landlord did it.

It all makes sense.
Rick has keys to every apartment-means.

He knows when we're coming
and going-opportunity.

And he was dressed as the Joker
for Halloween-motive.

Something's got to be done.

Let's not leap to thing-doing.

Right, Annie?

Double strike.

- Got it.
- Back blast.

Viper shot.

- Nailed it!
- Look...

How cute.
You do like foosball,

you just have to practice
with your mama.

What are you doing here tonight?

Shouldn't you be making
weird movies or well-engineered cars?

- You take that back!
- We came to play. Leave our table.

- We're using it.
- Nice.

- Then play us for it.
- Fine.

Monday morning.

Let's make it interesting.

The losers never get
to use this table again.

You are so on that things have now

become very much like Donkey Kong.

- We're gonna kick das butt.
- Nice.

Enough Teutonic Punnery.

Monday morning,

you get this...

Were you carrying a soccer ball
just so you could do that?

They left the ball and everything.

I think they were walking around
with it like a prop to use.

That's a $25 dollar bit,
and it's not even that good.

You've got to come clean.
What he's doing there feels dramatic.

I'm sure he's already moved on
to some other obsession.

- Fun.
- The police are powerless.

I must take justice
into my own hands.

Men like Rick operate above the law.

But there's something else
above the law...

Bats...

And me.

Abed, don't do anything drastic.

Yeah, we should all
just take a step back and...

Is that the grappling hook
I got you for Christmas?

The night beckons.

Its black fingers curl and uncurl,

going, like, "hey, come here."

Abed, wait!

Wait. I did it.

I stepped on your DVD, and it broke,
and I staged a break-in to cover it up.

If that were true,
you would've tell me a long time ago.

You're lying
to keep me out of danger.

But there can be no peace

while crime dances
on the grave of justice

to the hot beats of infectious rhythms.
All that is wrong.

Use your foot.

Troy! What are we gonna do?

- Now you're open to input?
- I'm following him.

You moving in here
was supposed to tone us down.

So, Shirley, tell me,

how does someone with your talent
for foosball ever stop playing?

- I don't want to talk about that.
- Come on, we're best friends now.

Don't back away from this.
Open up to me.

When I was a kid, I had anger, Jeff.

Real bad anger.
And foosball was a release.

But I didn't just beat people.
I broke 'em.

One time I was running this table
over at this YMCA across town.

I was really giving it to this kid.
This skinny little white, no offense.

He started crying.
They always started crying.

But something about him
made me want to continue.

I started jabbing him
with the rods until...

The boy peed himself.

Everybody laughed.
I laughed, but...

After that, the game lost its flavor.

Once you make a boy pee his pants,
you start thinking about your life.

Jeff, what's wrong?

Gonna kill you!

Your ass is mine!

You're such a punk!
You like being beat by a girl?

What are you crying for?
Your mama cannot help you,

and I know your daddy ain't around,
or you wouldn't play like a bitch.

Oh, my goodness gracious.
Is that what I think?

I just beat this kid
all the way to tinkle-town.

Tinkle-town, tinkle-town.

You were Big Cheddar?

Who told you that...

Dear Lord.

You're tinkle-town?

Don't call me that.

All your fake sweetness and religion

is just a veil covering
a horrible monster.

And I had a lot
of Mountain Dew that day!

Sam, Ziggy's saying
there's an 80% chance

you can't leave Woodstock
until you bone these hippies.

You know what I came for, scum.
Where is it?

In the closet.
In the closet, man.

- Abed, stop it!
- Get him!

I mean, stop it.

They're in the closet.

I knew I'd get caught.
Just don't hurt me, Batman.

Closet.

Women's shoes?

But Rick doesn't have a wife...

Or women's feet.

Wait.
My summertime ballet flats?

I thought I lost these in the move.

Is it there?
Does he have the DVD?

- The what?
- The DVD.

He has it, all right.

And it looks like he broke it.

Who are you?

If you had something to say,
why not put it in the text message?

I wasn't sure what to say.

Do you understand what you did to me,
Big Cheddar?

Please don't call me that.

Why not?
It's what you are-

A mean, nasty bully.

I was 12 years old.

I peed!

I had to change schools.

I changed everything:

My clothes, my hair, my personality.

Because of you.

What a waste.

I wish I could take a picture of you
and send it to my ten-year-old self.

Watch it, Winger.

You don't have a trademark
on self-pity.

I will defend myself.

Good.
Bring the Cheddar...

Big Cheddar.

I'm gonna put you on the express train
back to tinkle-town!

- Die!
- Never!

- You get it.
- You get it.

You're need the advantage.

Wrong. Wrong!

Every game I ever won, I won fairly.

Foosball was how I measured
my value as a man.

- You took that away!
- Why do think I had to?

You try sprouting three feet
when boys are about to look at you.

Everyone stopped liking me.

This game is all I had.

- It's all I had.
- That's stupid.

You're a perfectly fine person.

So are you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I'm sorry, Jeff.

You don't have anything
to be sorry for.

Rick has agreed
to stay out of your apartment

as long as you stay out of his.

I'm getting tired of saying this,
but these things wouldn't happen

if you'd invest
in a simple shoe safe.

That's it?

Now we just live upstairs
from this...

guy that's really into footwear?

Sweetie, you're a renter.

Look forward to owning a house.
Be glad he's not into heads.

Thanks for your help, officer,
and if you should ever need me,

I usually get out
of school around 4:00.

This guys sleeps outside your room,
though, and that's okay?

There's one thing I don't understand.

Why would Rick deny taking my DVD?

And why break it?

Well, maybe he stepped on it
by accident

and felt really, really, really bad.

All the more reason to confess.

Not everybody's perfect.

Batman. And I am.

Well, Batman,

on behalf of all of us
that aren't perfect,

can I just say
I'm sorry I broke your DVD?

Apology accepted.

But I wouldn't mention it to Abed.
That guy's pretty ruthless.

And that's coming from Batman.

Abed, where have you been?

Troy, really?

Let it go.

Black in the house!

- My hand is cramping.
- It's fine.

Hey, Freudenkatzen.

Ready for your schpankin'?

- Just like we practiced?
- Let's shut 'em down.

Let's dance, David Bowie.

Get the ball, Karl.

I'm trying, and stop yelling at me.

Stop being such a schvine!

- Aren't you guys playing foosball?
- We've played enough for one lifetime.

We're gonna go see a movie.

Since when are those two so close?

Well, this is november 29th,

and I'm Leonard,

and today I'm reviewing

Eugenio's four cheese frozen pizza.

That's $5.99 at Kroger's.

I've tried it before, and we'll see.

The cheese is good.

The sauce is good too.

Well, it's definitely a buy.

Eugenio's four cheese frozen pizza,

a buy.

See you next time.

I'm as high as hell
and you're about to get shot