Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 19 - Curriculum Unavailable - full transcript

When Abed claims the Dean has been replaced by a doppelgänger he is forced to take psychiatric treatment. Naturally, the rest of the study group joins him at his session with Dr. Heidi.

Look at us.
Still together as a group

even, what, two months
after being kicked out

of you know where.

Yeah, good thing I came up

with this idea
for potluck dinners.

Pierce, all you said was,
"I'm hungry."

All Henry Ford said was,
"I need a ride."

Troy, is that a casserole?

It's bagel bites

in a deconstructed
hot pocket reduction

with a doritos glaze.

I just really want
to make my food, you know.

Did anybody bring anything
that isn't poison?

I need to eat
natural, organic foods,

or I'm never gonna get rid
of this hangover.

Jeff, what'd you bring?

Pack of lifesavers.


Dead battery.

Where's Abed?

Have you seen Abed?
[Knock at door]

He's probably out getting
something really cool

for the dinner.

See? Cool.
Abed brought delicious police.

Abed, what happened?

Found your friend going
through the dumpster

outside the administration
building in Greendale again.

This cadet could use a lesson
in intergalactic protocol.

It's okay, officer.

He's just playing a character
from TV.

Oh, yes, I'm very familiar
with Inspector Spacetime.

You think a guy becomes a cop

because his prom night
was a dream?

If this were comic-con,
I'd take a bullet for that kid.

But, here in the real world,
trespassing is a crime.

We're sorry, officer.

Our friend has been having
a hard time

adjusting to being expelled
from Greendale.

It won't happen again.
That's for sure.

I talked to your former Dean.
I recommended he press charges.

He said he'd hold off

on the condition that you set
an appointment with this guy.

He's offering to foot

the bill for the consultation

It's the number
for a psychiatrist.

What? No.
Abed's not crazy.

Where does the Dean get off?
He's not the real Dean.

He's been replaced
by an identical life-form

for some nefarious purpose.

Reggie, to the time booth.

We haven't much...

I'll be right there, inspector.

Hey, before I go, you really
shouldn't be using this

to prop open
your building's door.

This is an antique fire brick.

I'd say pre-civil war.

Note the uneven orange hue
and the embossment on the back.

What a nifty little piece
of americana.

You could get 50, 60 bucks
for it from the right collector.

I watch a lot
of antiques roadshow.


Anyway, walk to your cars
in pairs tonight.

Rape's up 8%.

[Door shuts]


Rich people, Troy's joining you.

Yes, I'll hold.

♪ Give me some more
tie me to dream ♪

♪ give me the hope
to run out of steam ♪

♪ somebody said
it can be here ♪

♪ we could be roped up
tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

♪ one by one,
they all just fade away ♪


I'm Dr. Heidi.

We're going to have
a little chat tonight,

you and I.
How does that sound?

I don't need therapy.

Well, that's
a perfectly normal response.

I concur
with Dr. Heidi's diagnosis.

I haven't diagnosed
anything yet.

Psych major.
Got your back, brah.

[Clicks tongue]

I have to say, I didn't expect
to see so many of you.

Abed won't go to any kind
of doctor on his own.

We caught him last year

trying to remove
his own tonsils.

Well, why don't you let me
take it from here?

You have to understand
about Abed.

He's usually,
you know, adorable weird,

like mork from ork,
but, since we got expelled,

he's been creepy weird,
like present-day Robin Williams.

- I'm not crazy.
- Well, Abed,

I don't deal in crazy.

I deal in health.

So how long has Abed needed
a crazy amount of help?

All of this behavior
started after you were expelled?

There may have been
a ramp-up.


It's okay, buddy.

Just a few more minutes, and
we're good until spring, okay?

But it doesn't make any sense.

Think of it this way.

We get the hour back
later in the year.

- Yeah.
- [Shrieks]

I "Rent Tower Heist"
last night,

and I won't spoil the ending,
but let me tell you,

it was quite
the hilarious Thrill Ride.

That Brett Ratner, he's a master
at comedic action-adventure.

A master at storytelling.

He's just a master
at making movies in general.

I'm gonna say it.
He's the new Spielberg.


I have to go.
Excuse me.


You're a bad person.
You're a bad person.

Time enough at last
to eat a sandwich.

Though even he knew
that this sandwich

was nearer his last sandwich
than his first.

Abed, I'm trying to eat.

He said, oldly,

his brittle bones straining
to support the weight

of his wrinkly skin.

Stop narrating me.

He shouted to no one,

just a man alone in time
with nothing

but the cold squishiness
of tuna salad to comfort him.

I take it back.

I don't want
to be in your novel.

Pierce Hawthorne had nearly
lost his grip on reality.

Lately, he'd begun to think
he was in a novel.

And action.

Abed, what the hell
are you doing?

Cut. We got it.
One more for safety.

Abed, it's 4:30
in the morning,

and you're in my bedroom.

Use that.

And action.

But that's almost completely
nearly all of it.

If Abed is as sick
as you all say,

then I have no...
Wait a minute.

Nobody in this room
gets to define sick.

I do.

I'm a psychiatrist.

Any kind of doctor can really.

- Really?
- Yes.

Well, if Abed's sick,

then we're all sick.

You can't determine
a person's sanity

from a few amusing stories.

- Exactly.
- That's right.

I mean, if anything,
Abed's more sane than any of us.

Yeah. Well.

I mean, he's certainly
the craziest one of us,

but, you know, we're all
kind of crazy-town banana pants.

Talk to me
about crazy-town banana pants.

Look, we're just saying
it's been a crazy year

for everybody.

Who among us hasn't had
the odd banana

in his or her pants, right?

I have.

How long does peyote last?
Just asking for a friend.

♪ Troy and Abed and Annie
in the morning ♪

What are you doing?


Nothing my ass.

What are all these cameras
doing here?

[Radio playing music]

♪ ♪

Here, take my coat.


Thank you.

That's so sweet.

Just don't eat anything
or drink anything,

and no sweating
or bending at the elbows,

and no chairs with backrests,
and if you take it off,

wooden hangers only.

You're probably
warm now, right?

[All screaming]

Good news, guys.

I spent all my money.

Troy, you can't bring that
in here.

Yes, I can.
It's all-terrain, dummy.

I made a plate of cookies
for the study group,

but my boys ate them,

so since they took something
of yours,

you all get something
of theirs.

Elijah loves this, Britta.

There you go, Jeff.
There you go, Troy.

There you go, Pierce.

Karate championship,
second place!

Now I'll be unstoppable.


So you see
what you call insanity

we call solidarity.

I'm sorry.

We just finished telling him
about it,

and you grab it and squeeze it?

- I said I was sorry.
- Uh-huh.

And so as a group,
do you always indulge Abed

in these little misadventures?

Take that back.

Our adventures are very manly.

I have to say
there's more important

to mental health
than a support system.

And assuming
that this group is,

for Abed, said support system,

I think I've heard everything
I need to hear

in order to make a decision.

I think
that Abed should be committed.

You mean committed
to his character work, right?

Because he already is.
Abed, show him your Don Draper.


No, I mean an institution.

You mean like marriage?

I mean a mental institution.

Ah. So do I.

Will someone please help me
lighten the mood?

Mr. Dr. psychiatrist, sir,

please don't send my best friend
to crazy people jail.

He doesn't have the right.

Abed's not dangerous.

Yeah, he's just unique,
like a snowflake

who gets bent out of shape

when you mix up Star Wars
and space treks.

Or a serial killer's signature.

I'm a psych major.

His continued obsession
with Greendale Community College

suggests the potential
for escalation.

And, frankly, these stories
you've been telling me

are very troubling.

You're troubled?

I don't remember
any of those things happening.

Since when do these three
live together?

Look, Abed's obsession
with Greendale

doesn't make him crazy.

If you had gone
to school there,

you'd be obsessed with it too.

It was a messed-up place.

We had lockers.

We're survivors.

My name is Pwofussa Wobinswin.

Who's weady to wearn?

Dean, this is not the way
to agree on parking

for the job fair!
It's inhumane.

You have a better idea, Britta?

Thousands of them.

Vicki to Queen 3.



That's all for today.
Read chapter four.

Okay, we're
just gonna ignore that.

[Cheers and applause]

- Bananas?
- Yes.

- Toast?
- Yes.

- Bubble gum?
- Yes.

- Pancakes?
- Yes.

- Fries?
- Get out.

Get out.

There's one every year.
I will not tolerate clowning.

- Car keys?
- Yes.

Okay, last bathroom break.
We've got to cram for...

Excuse me, sir,
can we get to our...


Slow your bones, Rufus.

We got a long road tomorrow.


to ladders.

[Cheers and applause]



Just wanted to see
if we got the same thing.

It sounds as though this
Greendale had quite an effect

on all of you.

You should all definitely
stop dwelling on it

if you want to be healthy.

Well, come on,
it wasn't all bad.

I was there longer than anybody,
and I'm fine.

How are you?

Why do you ask?


What Pierce was saying

before he started sundowning
is true.

We can't just pass
the crazy buck to Greendale.

It could be a good place too.

That really doesn't matter.

Yeah, we have a lot of memories

of Greendale
being in our corner.


I just wanted to drop by

and tell you we ought
to be hot-stepping it out

to the parking lot
in a brisk, but orderly fashion.

Is there a fire drill?

No, sir,
there's an actual fire.

I wanted you guys
to be the first to know

before I tell everyone else.

I know. It's not right
to play favorites,

but it is no more right
to sit on your feelings,

and I don't know
what I'd do without you guys.


Okay, fire, fire!
There's a fire!

Darcy, you've got a cold.

- I feel fine.
- You're sick. Go home!

Get out of here.
Get out of here.

Get out of here.
Get out of here!

I can't believe we got here
too late for pizza.

Worst pizza day ever.

Oh, darn it.

What am I gonna do
with all this garbage?

Psst, it's me, the Dean.

I pulled the last six pieces
of pizza for you.


Back to garbage detail.

We have a few students
with birthdays today,

but, hey, why single them out?

What about the students

who aren't celebrating
anything at all?

Are they any less special?

[Clears throat]

♪ Troy and Jeffrey ♪

♪ and Annie and Britta ♪

♪ and Shirley and Pierce ♪

♪ and Abed and Jeffrey ♪

♪ just a few of the most special
students in the world ♪


Damn it.
Out of slugs.

Next time, I'll put you square,

you pickle-sucking

- [Gasping]
- Why did you save me, Dean?

I know how important
paintball is to you, Abed.

I wanted you to win.

It's not important anymore.
I get it now.

It just feels forced.

You just enjoy your prize...

Free tickets to...

to see 'Chicago"
at the Greendale Civic Center...


with George Wendt and...

Stefanie Powers.


[Rain falling]

That was great,

but you really didn't need
to go into it.

You know what occurs to me?

What all those great Greendale
memories have in common?

I was barely in them?

They were all
about Dean Pelton.

That's what I've been trying
to make

you guys understand
for the last two months.

I keep telling you,

we weren't expelled
by the real Dean.

It couldn't have been him.
He loved us.

Maybe we've been so concerned
with moving past Greendale,

we've been living in denial.

It's true.
I mean, let's face it.

We weren't driven crazy
by Greendale.

And Abed's not the crazy one
for obsessing about it.

Abed, we're sorry.
We haven't been supporting you,

and we haven't been honest
with ourselves.

Dr. Heidi, something weird
is going on with that school.

Abed doesn't need to be here.
We need to be there.

But there is no there.

That's the problem.
That's why we have to go back.

No, you can't go back
to Greendale.

Because it isn't healthy?

'Cause it doesn't exist.
[Thunder crashes]


I parked by a meter.

Any of y'all park by a meter?

Wait, what?

What you mean,
Greendale doesn't exist?

Well, there is a place
called Greendale,

and you all spent
three years there,

but it was
not a community college.

[Dramatic music]

♪ ♪

These memories that you people
have been sharing

are a shared psychosis.

You were patients there

you were released together,
and I am alarmed to see

that you are now relapsing

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is not real.
You're lying.

Search your mind
for the real memories.

Try to look past the trauma
you've been blocking out.

- What trauma?
- You all came

to this community college

after your lives had fractured.

Pill addiction,
failed legal career,

broken marriage,
lost scholarship,

- old.
- Enough!

I don't want to hear mine.

And, if we were going
to fabricate a delusion,

why would we fabricate
a community college?

Ah, yes, this fantastical
community college

where everything that happens
is unbelievably ridiculous

and it all revolves
around you as a group.

The same reason anyone plunges
into psychosis, miss Perry.

It was a mentally-compatible

to your grim reality.

[Thunder crashes]

[Dramatic music]

Can you believe the secret
trampoline we found?

I know.
It's so great.


[Both imitating gunfire]

For Greendale!


Come on, Leonard.

- Yow!
- Ooh!

♪ baby boomer Santa ♪

♪ thank you for everything ♪

♪ you're welcome,
you're welcome ♪

♪ for everything in the world ♪

- Terry, stop it.
- ♪ You're welcome, hey ♪

- Let's do a clip show.
- Bottle episode.

- Don't forget the clip show.
- Harrison Ford.

Remember when we went camping?

Remember when we painted
the nursery?

Remember when we remembered

going camping
while we were in the nursery?


I'm a millionaire,
I'm an inventor,

I'm a legend,
and I had sex with Eartha Kitt.

It's sad.

Should we increase
their lithium?

Not yet.

I want to see what happens

if we confiscate
one of their pens.

[Thunder crashes]

- It's not possible.
- Mm.

You say you started
as a Spanish study group.

Do any of you speak Spanish?

Mi hambre es bombero tirantes.

And you've attended Greendale
for three years,

but don't community colleges
end after two?

Everyone's always saying that.

The average community college
student attends school

five to seven years.

Many offer four-year degrees.

In your mind, they do.

In your mind.

And you shared this delusion
with each other, like that time

all those people
got into swing dance music

back in the '90s.

And then you were released,

probably because your insurance
ran out.

But the official story
is that you're now fit

to live within society again.

You just have to accept
the truth.


Give me a break.

That made no sense.

Yeah, it's me.

No, I think they bought it.

I had to do a little riffing
at the end,

but I was pretty convincing.

Well, if it looks like I'm
sneaking out the window,

it's just a symptom
of your deepening psychosis.

Don't hurt me.
Greendale doesn't exist?

How long did you think
we'd buy that?

I'm literally carrying
a Greendale backpack.

I have, like, 1,000 pictures
of the campus on my phone.

I have children
I see every day.

I have definitely
not been locked up.

Get him.

Why would you lie to make us
think we were crazy?

Because, Ms. Edison,

Greendale is purgatory,

and I am the devil.

- What?
- I knew it.

Stop letting him
make you realize stuff.

These aren't even good lies.

All right, fine,
I had to come up with something.

You were getting too close.
Close to what?

To the truth.

The Indian kid was right.

- He's Arabic.
- Also Polish.

I'm a fake psychiatrist,

not a fake ethnologist.

The point
is your Dean was kidnapped

by Ben Chang and replaced

with a double.

I was hired
to keep you off the scent.

Chang kidnapped the Dean?

Even for him, that's insane.

Is it?
Think about it.


I said hot damn!


What are you doing?

I'm predicting future crimes.


Now I'm sick.

See, you said
that would happen.

You are a pre-cog!




You're weak.

Uh, guys,

while we were remembering
Chang is crazy,

the fake doctor sneaked away.

- Oh, crap!
- What?

There goes our only chance
of clearing our names.

You guys, forget about us.
The Dean has been kidnapped.

He's out there somewhere,
alone and cold

and most likely
trying to cobble together

a sexy Patty Hearst costume.

Britta's right.
Wait, what?

We need to rescue the Dean.

We need to get back
to that school.

And we definitely never need
to do another paintball.

- Yeah.
- See, therapy does work.

We're cured.
Aw. Aw.

Sounds like the study group
has gotten wise

to Operation Doppel-Deaner.

It's time for phase two.
What's phase two?

Hey, I'm making up
the same plan you are.

Pitches, pitches, pitches.

Ah, thank you, Megan.

♪ Troy and Abed
in the morning ♪


Welcome back,
all you night owls.

Troy, why don't we open up
the phone lines?

Talk to us, lonely hearts.
We got Jeff W. calling.


Hey, Jeff,
what's your question?

- Who is this?
- Great question.

We're us.
You guys,

it's 3:00 in the morning.

I'm trying to sleep.

I'm sorry to hear that, Jeff.

Why don't you stay on the line
and we'll get your information.

Yeah, we'll get you
the help you need.

Our next caller's Annie E.

What's on your mind tonight,

Hey, guys, long time,
first time, love the show.

Aw, appreciate ya.
How can we help?


You can shut up
and go to sleep.

Well, Jacks and Jills,
that's about all the time

we have tonight.
Yeah, until next time,

may your dreams be sweet

and your nightmares
be "spooky monster" scary

and not "grandma died" scary.

♪ Troy and Abed
in the morning ♪