Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 18 - Course Listing Unavailable - full transcript

Okay. Ahh.

Um, my name is Alex Osbourne,

and if you're watching this,
it means I'm dead.

Or I'm just showing you.
Uh, but I'm probably dead.

To my ex-wife Magda,
I leave herpes.

But she knows that,
it's dealt with.

As for my collection
of Styx albums,

I leave that to no one.

Because that's who appreciated
Styx as much as me.

Finally, there's a kid named
Abed who makes movies

at my community college,
and to him I leave the task



of creating a video tribute
of my life.

What follows is some general
purpose footage that he can use.

[Kissing noises]

[Mimics rocket engine]

Where did you get this?

Some one-armed guy with a scar
on his face dropped it off.

He said he was
Star-Burns' lawyer.

How one-armed was he?
Tell me when to stop.

- It was the other arm.
- You guys!

I feel oddly compelled
to fulfill his request.

Would you guys help me write
obituary copy?

You mean like, "Star-Burns
died how he lived...

in a meth lab explosion"?

Can we turn this off?



I'm not as comfortable
with death as you guys.

- He's in a better place now.
- Yeah. The blu-ray shelf.

What is that?

Star-Burns also left me
his ashes.

He requested they be burnt.

I don't think he knows
how ashes work.

The small one's his lizard.

If we rub that,

will he come out
and do celebrity impressions?

- I don't think so.
- Then I want it out of here.

♪ Give me some more
time in a dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope
to run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said
we could be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

♪ One by one they all
just fade away ♪

about this really serious thing
that's happened?

Is it always about
the Holocaust with you people?

I'm talking about Star-Burns,
you know, dying.

I know it's sad, but death
is a natural part of life

and by the time
I finish this sentence,

100 people will have
died in China.

Why did you stop talking?

I have to call my pen pal.

Star-Burns was a good man.

He barely sued me that time
I ran over his foot.

I say we honor Star-Burns
by discussing him

the same amount we did
when he was alive.

Jeff, have some respect.

He might have been
a scuzzy weirdo

who shaved his sideburns
into star shapes...

Pai Mai?

It's Troy.
Are you okay?

Okay, good, I gotta go.
This costs $7.

But he was also a classmate,
a kinda sorta friend sometimes

and above all, a human being.

He touched all our lives.

Annie has a point.

The death of a peer,
especially at our age,

can trigger a whole
range of emotions.

- As a psychologist...
- Student.

- I hereby offer my licensed...
- Unlicensed.

Services as a grief counselor.

- Grief causer.
- If anyone needs to talk,

- the doctor...
- Not even close.

Is in.

Britta, I could use some help
dealing with my grief.

- Great.
- Yeah.

I was hoping you'd say that,
because... I came prepared.

You seemed smarter
than me when I met you.

Thank you.

For the purposes
of this exercise,

I am Star-Burns.

Tell me the things you never got
a chance to say to me.

Come on, guys,
you can ask me anything.

What's heaven like?

Uh, I don't know.
Glittery.

- Ask me something else.
- Have you seen Tim Russert?

Guys, you are doing this wrong.
Ask me something personal.

Star-Burns,
I didn't know you that well,

but why did you smell
exactly like salami?

- Abed.
- I got one. Where's my comb?

- I don't know.
- Yep, it's him.

Why did you tape that
switchblade to your ankle?

Why did you always poop
with the stall door open?

Is it true you made out
with Britta?

I don't see
how that's relevant.

It was Fat Neil's
black light party.

Vicki saw you.
If that's true...

if... maybe it was because
she was really drunk

and she had just found out

that her first boyfriend
was getting married.

If you guys are gonna
do this wrong,

then I'm gonna take these off.

Ow!

Okay, grief counseling
is growing on me.

♪ Come on, I'm Dean
and my hands are so clean ♪

♪ At this moment
I am stapling ♪

- Ben Chang is here.
- Ah, send him in.

- Ben, how's it "deaning"?
- Can't "com-Chang."

- Just needed you to sign this.
- Okay.

Let's just... give this
a little look-a-roo.

"Request for increased
security."

"Cool new uniforms."
I like that.

"Power to enact martial law,"
not so much.

"Indefinite detention,
pepper spray,

involuntary cavity searches...
no soft-serve"?

All liquids and gels
must be in sealed bottles

no larger than 3 ounces.

I'm sorry, Chang,
this stuff is too extreme.

This is a community college,
not an inner-city High School.

It's a community college
where a degenerate

just blew himself up
with stolen lab equipment.

To be fair,
it was the crystal meth

inside the stolen lab equipment
that blew him up.

That's the problem with you
civilian suits.

You want the results,
but you don't want to know

how the sausage gets made.

Well, I'll tell you
how the sausage gets made.

It's a lot of ground meat and it
gets stuffed into a casing

that looks like a cross between
a dude's dong and a poop.

I don't know how that helps
me, but please leave.

Fine, but you will regret this.

I doubt it.

This just came for you.

[Sighs] Great.

I have to give more bad news
to Jeff and his study group.

Hold my calls,
I have to pick an outfit.

Who wants to dance?

Nice work, everyone.

Now think about that last
little puppy in that basket

out of all those puppies.

And now...
he's catching fire too.

[Sobs]

Britta! Why are you making us
feel these things?

We need to bring
our emotions to the surface

and explore them.

Does it always
have to be puppies though?

Oh, come on, everybody.

This is a completely
unnecessary process.

What Jeff's doing right now
is called denial

and it is the first
of five stages of grief

that ends with acceptance.

- Name any other stage.
- What are you, my final?

Maybe we don't need
grief counseling.

But seems like
the least we could do

is have a memorial
or something.

Oh, yes, we could
have a little service

and I could bring
some of my brownies

and I guess someone
should sing Ave Maria.

I mean,
I can do it. Whatever.

Sure, why not
drag it out for weeks?

Why not wallow
for the rest of our lives

and never get anything done?

Or we could just admit
the simple fact that one day,

something is in your life
and one day, it's not.

Dean-jour, mes amis!
[Chuckling]

Unfortunately, due to the whole

Star-Burns
meth lab explosion,

Professor Kane has resigned,

and you biology class
has been can-can-cancelled.

[Chuckling]

Your grade is now
an incomplete.

You'll have to make up
the credit in the summer.

[Gasps]

My summer is gone?

[Crying] No.

No!

Well, I had a little

rockette kick-line thing
planned, but...

[Sobbing]

♪ Ave ♪

♪ Mariii... ♪

♪ Iaaa ♪

Okay.

That was Garrett singing,
um, Ave Maria?

Ave Maria!

Uh, now, Shirley,
I understand you wanted

- to sing something as well?
- No, thank you.

Okay, then let's move on
to the eulogies.

Does anyone have anything
they wanna say

in the memory of Star-Burns?

Oh... Because his sideburns
were shaped like stars.

I just got it.
I just got that.

Anything at all.

This is a safe place to say

- what you're feeling.
- I'll say something.

Oh, oh.

[Light applause]

After learning about
Star-Burns' death,

I personally went through
the stages of grief

and have now arrived

at the final one...
acceptance.

Whoo! Closure!

Acceptance that this place...

This Fallujah
of higher learning...

is a prison from which
none of us will ever escape.

Okay, Jeffrey, now we're
mixing metaphors here...

And it turns out...

that Star-Burns,
this man in this urn,

was a hero to us the whole time
because he did the one thing

that none of us
ever tried to do.

He got out.

And then he exploded.

Because Greendale
hates its students.

No. No.

It sucks the lives
from their bodies

and forces
their desiccated husks

to attend summer school.

Okay, Jeffrey,
this is a funeral.

Let's keep it light.

Annie, Annie,
maybe you could say

something nice
about Star-Burns.

Get some sugar
to go with that spice.

Way to go, Jeff.

Star-Burns or Alex,
as he like to be called,

was a human being.

A Greendale human being...

Like me.

I've given this place
my childhood,

my enthusiasm, and my loyalty,

and in return,
Greendale has warped me

like a Barbie in a microwave.

Our school flag is an anus!

You were the guys who drew it.

We're not even the best

community college
in our community.

Let that sink in.

And the cherry on top on this
total lack of sundae...

I'm failing a remedial biology
class on a technicality

all because you don't know
how to run a school.

- Oh, that's...
- Shame on you, Dean.

Shame... on... you!

Edison out.
[Feedback on microphone]

[Cheers and applause]

Wow.

Let's maybe not drop
the $50 mics, okay, guys?

Shirley, you love Jesus.

I think we all could use

some good old-fashioned
religion right now.

[Applause]

Well, uh, all right.

Um, Star-Burns, I'm told,

um, was a drug dealer.

Which, of course,
is not good behavior.

Which... but he...
it was a business.

Um, he had
an entrepreneurial spirit.

Amen.

I had an entrepreneurial
spirit.

I had dreams.

Dreams of opening a sandwich
shop in this cafeteria.

And Greendale listened
to those dreams...

And stole them...

And sold them to Subway.

[Crowd shouts and yells]

Worst wake ever.

I'm starting to get nervous
about this.

Yep, it'd be nice to have
some protection, right?

Think maybe it's about
time you signed this?

Just promise me
you'll use restraint.

Yep. Every type we got.

- Gentlemen!
- All hail Chang!

This is the day we've been
waiting for.

Suit... up!

[All cheer]

♪ When I say Greendale,
you say sucks ♪

- ♪ Greendale ♪
- ♪ Sucks ♪

- ♪ Greendale ♪
- ♪ Sucks ♪

- Peace.
- Boo boo boo.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, oh, no, you don't.

[All booing]

Look, I don't know how this
got out of hand either.

But as a student who's been
at Greendale for over a decade,

I think I've earned the right
to say a few final words.

Let him talk!

- I'm sorry.
- Thank you, thank you.

Let's burn this mother down!

Yeah!

Helter skelter!

No, no, no!

[Chaotic screaming]

I'm gonna take everything
but onions and olives.

I know my comb's in here,
you son of a bitch!

[Gasps]

Look, tiny riot gear.
Aww.

[Screams]

[Scattered screaming]

It's so peppery!

Oh, no.

[Maniacal laugh]

Strange, I'm not finding any
pepper spray on you.

Well, check harder.

It's not like I'm crying
because I was chased

by the gang
of scary 12-year-olds.

No entry, we're guarding
General Chang's prisoners.

Okay, this is my school,

and I will enter
whatever I want.

Well, Subway has threatened
to pull out of Greendale

and the school board
is furious.

Tomorrow, they are having
a hearing to investigate

the ringleaders of the riot,
aka the Greendale Seven.

Catchy.

How about Pierce Hawthorne
and the Greendale Six?

- Pierce!
- How about the Greendale Five?

- I'm such a bad Dean.
- No, you're not.

Well, you are.

But...
We're worse students.

While you tried to save
Greendale,

we trashed the school
like a TV commercial

where the teacher
banned skittles.

That's sweet of you
to say, Jeffrey.

But it doesn't change the fact
that we're all Ted Danson

at Whoopie Goldberg's roast.

What if we all back
each other up to the board

and explain the we were
all experiencing

"funeral crazies"?

I can say that's a thing
because I'm a psych major.

Ugh, they're still
going to need a fall guy.

How about the crazy man who...

commanded a bunch of preteens
to spray poison in our faces?

You know what?

It was right under our noses,
wasn't it?

Group hug...

Where I'm between
Jeff and Troy.

Here we go... oop, you're
walking away from the hug.

Hey there, Ben.

Would you mind scooching
from my desk?

Got some testimony
to get prepared

for the school board
meeting tomorrowsies.

That testimony wouldn't
happen to involve

pinning the riot on me.

Ben, I'm sorry,
but this has gone too far.

I regret issuing those
extraordinary powers to you.

I regret letting this child army
get out of hand.

I regret giving you that
unasked for adult back rub

when you were asleep that once.

[Inhales]

I think we're gonna
have to let you go.

Nuh-uh, ain't happening.

I always knew this
day would come.

Now the only person getting
replaced around here is you.

Oh, my God, it's me.

Ugh! I will...

The single worst wake riot
this district has ever seen.

And we've seen our share.

Tables, chairs, floors,
ceilings, all affected.

A campus already in mourning
is pushed into chaos.

And sitting here facing me now,

the so-called
Greendale Seven...

Reportedly responsible
for inciting

the entire chain of events.

This is some
pretty serious stuff.

Sir... Although my friends and I
behaved somewhat irresponsibly,

we shouldn't forget about
the circumstances on campus.

We had just lost a classmate.

And a lizard...
Your Majesty.

It was an emotional time
and we acted emotionally.

But the real question is,
how did the school respond?

The riot was exacerbated
by the school security staff's

heavy-handed and, frankly,
insane response.

[Knock on door] Hey, everyone.

Oh, so sorry
to pop in like this.

I really hope I'm not
interrupting.

Just wanted to see how
everything's going,

and those are for you fellas.

I never forget a face
or a favorite cookie.

And I brought extras,
because I know how Richie

got into that
last basket I brought.

Probably good to have a backup.

I did. I did get into
them pretty good.

So everything going okay?

Or are you guys going to
trash this building too?

Yeah, we were just going
over the charges.

Seems like you had your hands
full with these individuals.

This is crazy.

- You guys are really buying this?
- Excuse me?

Chang is a psychopathic
wannabe warlord

with an army
of prepubescent thugs.

He was living in the school's
air vent system

with a monkey!

That's not...

Well, where's the Dean?
He'll tell you.

Hey, guys.
Can't stay, gotta run,

but, uh, these troublemakers
have got to go.

I think I've heard enough,

and I don't see
what choice I have.

Greendale Seven...

Jeff Winger,

Annie Edison,

Pierce Hawthorne,

Britta Perry,

Shirley Bennet,

Abed Nadir,

Troy Barnes,

you are hereby expelled from
Greendale Community College.

May God have mercy
on your souls.

Rusty bucket?
Rusty bucket?

- Rusty bucket?
- Yep.

Okay, transform and roll out.

[Chuckles]

13 years of college
down the drain.

I was gonna be
the first one in my family

to graduate from
community college.

Everyone else graduated
from normal college.

Now they're really gonna
give me a hard time.

You're drinking?

Yeah, well, my life can't
get double ruined.

Can't believe we're expelled.
Greendale was our home.

Britta, isn't it time
for you to explain

that every failure
is also an opportunity?

- Whatever, I'm the worst.
- I'm also the worst.

Not gonna argue,
but I am gonna forgive you.

[Doorbell buzzes]
That's the pizza.

Roll a die to see who gets it?

I'll get it.

You guys remember our
housewarming party?

What would have happened
if I had just let Jeff

roll the die that night?

I assumed this was
the best timeline,

but what if it's the darkest?

Well, I don't
think anyone knows

what you're talking about,

but it does seem like things
couldn't get any worse.

No.

We're all gonna
get through this.

We're all alive
and we're all fine.

And Britta,
you're not the worst.

You're the best.

He's right.
Things are bad.

But we're together.

That makes this
the perfect timeline.

Wait.
There are other timelines?

[Chuckles]

Pizza time.

[Chuckling, chattering]

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

[Crowd cheers]

♪ ♪

♪ You never see the dawn ♪

♪ When you have blood
in your eyes ♪

♪ The night will fight
with steel ♪

♪ Until it brings you down ♪

♪ Star-Burns ♪

♪ Burn the night sky alive ♪

[Grunts]

♪ Star-Burns ♪

♪ Burn for his country
and honor ♪

♪ He will never die ♪