Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 17 - Basic Lupine Urology - full transcript

Presented like an episode of Law & Order (1990), the study group attempts to find out who squashed their biology project: a yam. Troy and Abed become detectives, Shirley is their boss, Jeff and Annie pose as prosecuting attorneys, while Pierce is an informant and Britta a lab tech.

Greendale Community College
is represented by two separate,

yet equally important
types of people:

The goofballs that run around
stirring up trouble,

and the eggheads that
make a big deal out of it.

These are their stories.

You'll be better off
without her.

She was perfect.
Warm, smart, beautiful.

I'm never gonna find another
dental hygienist like that.

Well, you should
stop hitting on her.

Hey, she's the one putting
her hands in my mouth.


Over here.

Move along,
nothing to see here.

That's the first time those
words have actually been true.

Ms. Edison, when you called me
down here at midnight,

I expected more than a yam.

Specifically since you said,
"There's been a murder."

Our yam was murdered.

If it's any consolation,
she got me here

on a very misleading
text message.

Jeff, technically,
you are about to be screwed

in the biology room
because our final project

has been destroyed.

All right, look,
I'm sorry for your loss.

I know you guys put the work in,
so you'll get a passing grade.

A passing grade?

Like a "C"?

Why don't I just get pregnant
at a bus station?

That was going to be
an A-plus yam.

I can't give an A-plus
to everyone

whose yam falls of a counter.

Somebody did this to us.

In science,
we call that a hypothesis.

You find something
to back it up and we can talk.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I was watching Mama's Family.

What happened?

Our yam was killed.

But Professor Kane says
we can still get an "A"

- if we figure out who did it.
- He did not say that.

He basically did.

You let me handle
the nitty gritty.

I watch crime shows
when I'm bored.

You boys, canvas for witnesses,
establish a time frame

and motive and bring
me a suspect.

You've got 48 hours before
the trail runs cold,

so start with the last person
to see that yam alive.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Understood.

It's been a long 15 years.

Looks like it's gonna
be a late night.

How'd we manage
to pull the short straw?

It's not a short straw.

It's a hot potato.

Yeah, well,
looks pretty cold to me.

Or dead?

- Survey says...
- We can't both do the zinger.


Okay, okay, five-to-one
on the black guy.

That's offensive.

Fine, six-to-one.

Hello, boys.

Youth! Scatter!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow down, Pierce.

Mind if we ask you
a couple of questions?

Sure, I always say you guys
should ask me more questions.

Did you water our
biology yam last night?

Of course I watered it.

It was my turn, wasn't it?

I hold up my end.

Did you hold it or drop it?

Okay, whoa, I had
nothing to do with that.

I-I couldn't even
get in the room.

Make up your mind, Pierce.

Did you water the yam
or weren't you there?

Okay, I lied about watering it.

I got there too late,
the doors were already locked.

Why were you late?

I... fell asleep
in a sunbeam.

- Likely story.
- Actually it is.

I used to live with him,
it's kind of adorable.

Look, why are you
looking at me for this?

It was my yam too.

You should be talking
to somebody

who would wanna hurt us.

- And who's that?
- Duh-doy!


Last night,
I was home by 9:15,

helped Elly with her geography
and then went straight to bed.

Sounds like you keep
a pretty tight schedule.

A valuable side effect
of military service.

In Iraq, keeping
a tight schedule saved lives.

Ah, what happened, Todd?

Cut yourself on an extra sharp
Oscar Wilde play?

Oh, this?
It's a burn.

Home ec class. Muffin.

What kind of muffin?

- Blueberry.
- Why not raisin?

That wasn't the assignment.

You can dance all day, Todd,

but sooner or later,
the music's gonna change.

Look, even if I wanted to hurt
your yam, I couldn't.

I went by the bio room at 8:10
to chart my yam's growth.

The door was already locked.

There's a lot
of that going around.

- Oh, yeah.
- It's true.

I had to take a picture of my
yam through the door.


Your yam was fine when I left.

I transferred or "downloaded"

Todd's photograph
to this computer

and as you'll see, with
a few adjustments, I can make

the entire image...

old west color.

I don't know.
I thought it was cool.

Britta, zoom in there.

There's a clock on the wall.

- Eight plus two times five...
- Ten after 8:00.

I'm gifted in other ways.

That jibes with everyone
else we talked to.

It seems like the classroom door
gets locked at 8:00.

Which means whoever
did the crime...

Got in there before
the doors were locked

and stayed there for hours.

I was gonna say, "Had a key".

Last year, I came in
after hours a couple of times

to finish a piñata
for advanced Spanish.

I had to borrow a key
from the front office.

And sign a log.

I can also help.

As a psych major, I could pr...

Any student can check out
a key as long as they're

currently taking classes
and show school I.D.

The guy we're looking
for had a key

to the bio room Monday night.

Monday night?
Rings a bell.

I'll check the log.

Sorry, this place is a mess.

Is this about your yam?

I heard about that.
It's a damn shame.

- Mine just bloomed yesterday.
- Congratulations.

Ooh, there she is.

Monday night, one biology room
key checked out by...


So you're saying you
did check out a key,

but it was inside your backpack
when someone stole it

off a table in the library while
you were using the bathroom

and you haven't seen it since.

Pop pop!

Perfect, so now we gotta solve
a robbery too.

Well, whoever did it
likes to steal backpacks

off tables in the library.

Only one way to catch
a dirtbag like that.

Well, time to visit
the restroom.

I found that backpack.

Hey, idiot, guess what.

We don't care about
the backpack.

Dead yam, big deal.

Order some ketchup.

That doesn't make sense.
You don't order ketchup.

It's a condiment!

Troy, Troy, hey, walk it off!

Troy, walk it off!

Sorry, my friend,
he's a bad cop.

- Yeah.
- I'm a good cop.

- Oh, good.
- You can trust me.

Okay, well... hey!

I'm not falling for that.

And you got nothing on me.

And I don't have to stay here,
'cause you're not cops.

He's right.
You're not cops.

I'd say our hands are tied,
but we basically have no hands.

But he's our man though, right?

Well he ain't innocent.

Look, I'll try
to keep him busy.

You guys go to the lab,
see if they figured out

how our yam met its masher.

I can both see and hear you.

The yam's vascular cylinder
is completely disintegrated.

Any possibility
it happened naturally?

Sure, if the gardener's
Joseph Mengele.

Look at the root system.

This level of smushing
is consistent

with someone stepping on the yam
after it was dropped.

So whoever did this was angry.

Hey, I just cut 'em open.

You want motive,
talk to a shrink.

What I can tell you is that for
a raw yam to get it this bad,

you need more than gravity.

You need a boot.

We have to tell Professor Kane.

There's nothing here
to connect to Star-Burns.

He'd have to confess.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Maybe if we ask him nice,

he'll write us
a love letter too.

Well, whoever did do this does
owe you guys a letter.

An "A."

This yam was about to bloom.


We named the yam "Pam."

It rhymed.

Even if we could prove

that Star-Burns stole
Magnitude's key,

it's not enough.

But we know Star-Burns
did it.

Keep the change, Garret.

You know what?
Keep the hot dog.

You're telling me
after all this,

our suspect's gonna slip away

on the technicality
that we're not police?

Okay, look,
you don't need authority

to get a confession.

You need leverage.
Something to hold over his head.

- Like what?
- He's Star-Burns.

Break into his locker.

You'll find enough dirt
to bury him.

Jeff, that's not ethical.

Oh, so now you're
finding your softness?

I say do what you have to do.

It's too late
to get compassionate.

We only have time
to get justice.

I really shouldn't
be doing this.

And you're sure you heard
a kitten meowing in here?

Not anymore, so hurry up.

Whoa, Nelly!

Clean up on aisle "busted."

Why do they always r...

Why do they always...

- You go ahead.
- Why do they always run?

There you go.


Not police business!

Hey, knock much?

- Kiss me!
- What?

I'll explain later.

- No.
- I'll explain later.

The explanation
isn't the issue.


Oh, all right, all right.

Look, I-I swiped some
beakers for the meth lab

that I'm building
in the trunk of my car.

But that's it.

I didn't kill any yam.

Tell it
to the biology Professor.

Oh, now wait!

I know who did it.

I left the door open
and someone came in.

He dropped your yam.

Will you tell
our teacher who it was?

If you promise
I won't get in trouble

for stealing that
meth lab stuff.

- Sure, whatever.
- Fine.

Pinky swear?

It was the guy with
the weird head.

The army guy.

I heard the jar break and then

I saw him running out
of the room holding his hand.

Looked like he cut himself.

Well, well, well.

Look at this, Abed.

He weaves baskets and lies.

What's this about?

It's about the killing
of our biology yam.

Will you please come with us?

But I'm in the middle
of making a handle.

He wants it the hard way.
Tell him what Shirley said.

Todd Jacobson, you have the
right to do whatever you want.

Nothing you say or do can be
used against you by anyone,

but we'd really like it
if you came with us.

Please and thank you.

Make it quick, folks.

I have a class in five minutes
and none of you guys are in it.

After conducting
a full investigation,

my study group now has
definitive proof that Todd,

with malice of forethought,
smashed our yam.

That's a serious allegation.
I hope you can back it up.

We can place him
in the building Monday night.

He has a mysterious
bandage on his hand,

and we have and eyewitness who
saw Todd drop the jar and flee.

Well, Todd, what do you
have to say?

- I just wanna...
- Don't answer that, soldier!

- This man is an American hero.
- And who are you?

I'm Lieutenant Colonel Archwood,
United States Army.

I had the pleasure of commanding
this young man in Iraq.

I'm staying on his couch
this weekend

while I'm in town
for a wedding.

I am a licensed attorney,
a veteran of two wars,

and I'd like to know why in hell
he's being harassed.

Mr. Winger,
what is the intention here?

Simple. When Todd smashed our
yam, he stole an "A" from us.

We want it back.

You mean if he smashed the yam.

All you have is the word
of this Mr. Star-Burns,

who offers up no explanation
as to why he was at the scene.

How about it, Jeffrey?

What was Star-Burns
doing there?

We agreed to withhold
that information

as part of a pinky swear
with the witness.

A pinky swear?

This is ludicrous.
This whole school is ludicrous.

Who honors the pinky swear
of a degenerate

over the word
of a decorated soldier?

I'm inclined to agree
with the man in uniform.

- Shocker.
- Jeffrey.

Tell us what Star-Burns
was doing in that classroom,

or your group can take an "F."

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

I grade my students.

Now, what Star-Face was doing
there is irrelevant.

What matters is what he saw.

I'm upholding the pinky swear.


Yo, man, you spent
your life in the army.

I spent mine in prison.

Two places where a man's word
is only as good as his uniform.

Now out here,
it's supposed to be different.

And in my class, it will be.

You two can plead
your case to the class

and let them
decide your grades.

Thank you.

It's not a favor,
Mr. Winger.

A man's gotta have a code.


See you in class.

- Uniform.
- Oh!



Shirley did some more digging.

Turns out Todd's yam
never even sprouted.

Goes to motive.

And Star-Burns puts Todd
in the classroom at 8:10.


Add to that a cut on the hand

and the Winger charm,
we might get an A-plus-plus.

We still have
a lot of work to do.

Oh, I think you've done enough.

Colonel Archwood
got to Star-Burns.

Threatened to involve
the real cops.

Now Star-Burns is in the wind.

He's our only witness.

That what you guys do in here?

You push your little papers

and you make your
little speeches,

and in the end another
dirtbag walks?


Abed! Abed!

Abed! Walk it off!

Walk it off!

I'm sorry about my partner.

He... he's been on edge
ever since we switched.


Annie, that class
already hates us.

If we go in there without
a case, they'll fail us.

We have proof
our yam was murdered

and now you find your softness?

It's eat or be eaten
when that's convenient,

but when the going gets tough,
Winger gets nervous, huh?

We have no case, Annie.

It's too late to get one, Jeff.

We only have time
to get justice.

Tell us what happened next,

I disarmed the I.E.D.

and returned the child
to his mother.

She offered to give me her only
possession... a wooden chair...

but I refused.

I was only doing my duty
and we had

plenty of chairs at the base.

And for your valor,
you were awarded a bronze star.

In fact, you have an absolutely
glowing service record.

- Don't you, private?
- I do my best.

You do more than that, soldier.

Certainly more
than this witness

who supposedly saw you
kill the yam.

A man who for all we know

is a holocaust-denying,
9/11 pedophile.

- Objection.
- Withdrawn.

One last question.

Did you intentionally
break into

the biology room
with the express purpose

of killing
the study group's yam?

- No, sir, I did not.
- Thank you, soldier.

And God bless your testimony.

Your witness.

Tell me, Todd, do you
consider yourself a hero?

Oh, no.

Of course not.

A hero doesn't call
himself a hero.

A hero gets called a hero
because of what he does.

And with your
impressive record,

not even I could
deny you the title.

Objection, she's clearly
ramping up to something.

Objection, that's not
a real objection.

Objection, I hate
the both of you.

You may proceed, Ms. Edison,
but do so with caution.

Need I remind you
this is not a courtroom?

I spent the majority
of last night

going over your records
with Mr. Winger,

scouring them for the slightest
mistake, the tiniest slip up.

And I gotta tell you, Todd.
Couldn't find a thing.

Not one little smudge.

Except, of course, for one pesky
yam that just wouldn't grow.

That had to weigh on your soul,
didn't it, Todd?

- Maybe a little.
- A little?

A big orange splotch
on your perfect record?

I bet that pissed you
right off, didn't it?

Is that why you hit your wife?


Is that why you drink
and pop pills?


Are you a virgin?

Did you...

kill our yam to settle
the score, huh?

Did stomping on its roots
make you feel like a big man?

No, it didn't.

I mean, I didn't...

Todd, zip it.

No, you zip it, Uncle Knobby.

I'm not fighting
your wars anymore.

Listen to me, Todd.

I know how scary
a failing grade can be,

but this one dead yam
won't tarnish your record.

What will tarnish it
is lying to your class,

to your teacher, and to me.

The American citizen
you've sworn to protect.

Come on, Todd.

Stop disappointing me.

Defuse the I.E.D.
of dishonesty.

It was an accident.

I just wanted
to look at your yam,

but when I picked up the jar,
it burnt me and I dropped it.


That's how it's done!

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh,
ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

- Todd...
- Woo-hoo!

I'm telling your mother.

That's right.

Always have an exit strategy.

I think I've heard enough.

Professor Kane, may we have
a sidebar in your office?

I want a mistrial.

Just give us a "C,"
give Todd a "C."

- Excuse me?
- What?

Can we take a sidebar
in this sidebar?

Jeff, we're about
to get our "A."

- Todd didn't do it.
- Um, he just confessed, dummy.

He said the jar burned him?

It doesn't make any sense.

People don't half-confess
to crimes.

Look, when we started this,
you were after the truth.

And then I convinced you
it was more important to win.

Don't be like me.

A man's got to have a code.

I can only assume there is
a female equivalent to that.

- A "codette" or something.
- But...

It's not worth getting an "A"

if an innocent man
might get an "F."

Okay, I heard
all of that and I accept.

All right.

After speaking to the wronged
parties, I've decided to...

Uh, if it pleases
the bio class,

I have closing arguments.

Of course you do.

Why was it so hard
for all of us to grow a yam?

It's just a stupid yam
in a stupid jar.

We're all fully-grown adults
failing a kindergarten project.

- Can I object?
- I'll allow it.


And all this time we assumed
our yam was targeted,

that someone had stomped
its roots maliciously.

But what if...
what if our yam's roots

were dead before
they hit the ground?

- Hey, that's mine!
- Look at it.

Everyone look.

Smushed without
being stepped on.

Because it didn't
have to be stepped on.

Because it was boiled.

Someone has been pouring boiling
water into our jars at night.

No one noticed because the water
cooled off by morning.

Boiling water is the icicle
stabbing of yam killing.

Ooh, but that didn't...


This yam isn't boiled.


I don't... I didn't
do it, I swear!

I boiled the yams.

Vicki's yam never sprouted

and I didn't want her to fail,
so I threw off the grading curve

so she wouldn't have
to go to summer school

and we can finally have
sex in my parents' cabin.

God forgive me,
I did it for love!

Holy crap.

We are definitely dissecting
pine cones next year.

Neil has agreed to retake
biology over the summer

and his status as
keymaster has been revoked.

After all the politics
and procedure, in the end,

the case really
was about biology.

Told you it was
an important subject.


I understand.

Star-Burns got rear-ended

and the meth lab
in his trunk exploded.

He's dead.

- Abed?
- Yeah?

Why don't we have
bunk bed conversations?

I don't know.

We're best friends,
we share a bunk bed.

Seems like we should be
having them all the time.

You start.

Okay. Why do you think
they call them "bunk beds"?

Where's the word "bunk"
come from?

I don't know.

I think it comes
from the word "bunker."

So when is your apartment
done being fumigated?

Oh, it was done
about a week ago.

Then why are you still here?

- I brought you some warm milk.
- Oh.

There you go.

♪ Troy and Abed,
off to Dreamland ♪

♪ Catching the train
to Sleepytown ♪

♪ And when they wake up ♪

♪ The Dean'll be here ♪

♪ Staring at you ♪

Sweet deans.

That's nice... I guess.