Community (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 10 - Regional Holiday Music - full transcript

Wow. They found a way to make
the human being even creepier.

Covering him in icicles.

I think it's festive.

Yeah, my favorite
Christmas tradition

is trimming the hellraiser.

Guys, I found something
we can watch together

for Christmas this year.

The long-lost 1981 Inspector
Spacetime Holiday Special.

Run time two and half hours
and so critically reviled

that after it aired, the creator
has his knighthood revoked.

That sounds terrible.



I want to watch it twice,

but I'm spending Christmas
with my relatives.

Or rather, I'm spending
the day with my relatives

while they refuse
to acknowledge Christmas.

You Jehovah's Witnesses--
so severe.

Andre and I will be spending
Christmas giving gifts

to the more persuadable
of our Jewish friends.

I wouldn't call an unannounced
visit from your pastor "a gift."

And don't bother this year.

I'll be at the movies
with my bubbe.

You're not taking both of them?

Well, one's dead.

- What?
- I was looking forward

to hanging out with you guys
this Christmas.



This semester has been so long
and dark and angry.

I was thinking we could have

some light-hearted fun
as a family.

I think what we've learned,
Abed,

is that attempts to make
the holidays brighter

tend to give them
a certain darkness.

Oh, I don't know
if I agree with that.

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

Actually, maybe I do.

Heads up.
Glee club.

All: ♪ 'tis the season
to be jolly ♪

♪ fa la la la la
la la rock on! ♪

Merry Christmas, Greendale.

Glee club here, reminding you

that our Christmas pageant
is coming.

Next stop, regionals!

♪ I said deck ♪

Please tell me we were
not this obnoxious

the year we filled in for them.

T-minus five seconds
till hip-hop remix.

Four, three.

Come on!
Re-re-re-remix!

Re-re-re-remix!

♪ Fa la la la la
f-a l-a ♪

♪ come on whoo ♪

You're awfully quiet, Jeff.

Nobody hates glee club
more than you.

Today I'm just content
to sit back and enjoy the show.

And now
our pop music mash-up!

Elton Lil' John Lennon!

Glee club girls:
Kick it!

Hey, tiny dancer!

Okay!

Stop!

Cease and desist.

Glee club, meet ASCAP,

protecting musical copyrights
since 1914.

It appears they have received
an anonymous tip

that unlicensed material
was being performed here

without the artists' permission.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Glee club
just became history club.

[Cheering]

[Screaming]

My soul is dead!

Oh!

Okay, if anyone asks,
we were never here.

[Screaming continues]

Why?

♪ Give me some rope,
time in a tree ♪

♪ give me the hope
to run out of steam ♪

♪ somebody said
we could be here ♪

♪ we could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons
I should stay ♪

♪ one by one they all
just fade away ♪

The glee club
is at Westside Hospital,

recuperating from
a collective nervous breakdown.

This is the second glee club
we've lost in two years.

We might have to cancel
the Christmas pageant.

And to think they were
this close to regionals.

What the hell are regionals?

They're this close, Pierce.

Anyway, an old friend
wants to talk to you.

Your favorite
glee club instructor,

the dreamy and boyish
Mr. Cory Radison!

Oh!
[Laughter]

Uh, I thought I told you
to call me Mr. Rad.

Or Cory.

Just don't call me
"late to dinner."

Unless you're serving
brussels sprouts!

[Laughter]
I won't, I promise!

This guy's like human froyo.

Look, when the last glee club
died in that bus crash,

you guys stepped up.

And you were the best gosh darn
emergency substitutes

I've ever worked with.

Both: Aw!
Well, this time...

I'm not gonna kid you.
I won't be easy.

- Oh!
- Your best...

Won't be good enough.

And ten times your best
will be so bad,

I will yell at you.

But I promise,
if we dig down--

- Pass.
- All: Yeah.

Okay.

Whew.

Don't you hurt him.

Mr. Rad!

I feel like we let
Mr. Rad down.

No, he let himself down
when he left the house

this morning
wearing a sweater-vest.

I guess we did have fun
last time.

Did we?
I can hardly remember.

It's all a weird, happy,
musical fog.

Yeah, it was almost
like being on ecstasy,

only instead of having
pointless conversations

and dancing like idiots--
wait.

It was exactly
like being on ecstasy!

That's what worries me
about this guy.

He is equal parts hanson
and manson.

Nobody let him corner you until
he is out of recruitment mode,

or next thing you know,

we'll all be caring
about Christmas pageants and...

Regionals.

- You're right, deal.
- Ugh.

- Agreed.
- Got you.

What the hell are regionals?

[Melancholy piano tune]

What are you still doing here?

I thought I'd give her
one more tinkle

before I took down decorations.

No glee club means no pageant,
means no Christmas.

I'm sure trying
to make things brighter

just would've made
more darkness.

That sounds like
a certain ex-lawyer talking.

I see a lot of myself in you,
Abed.

You care about your friends,
and you wish they cared

more about each other.

That's not an easy position
to be in sometimes.

I just want my friends and I

to have
a merry Christmas together.

Well, maybe you could start

by giving them the greatest
Christmas gift of all.

What's that?

Glee!

♪ It's a feeling you get ♪

♪ when your brain finally lets
your heart get in its pants ♪

♪ Glee! ♪

♪It's like a drug
that you use ♪

♪ that turns pain into shoes ♪

♪ and your shoes into dance ♪

♪ How's your piano
still playing this song? ♪

♪ Glee is the answer ♪

♪ when questions are wrong ♪

♪ you'll understand
if you just sing along ♪

♪ 'cause glee is the gift ♪

♪ that you need ♪

♪ Glee is what I'll spread
to my friends ♪

♪ like a virus that sends them
to a healthier place ♪

♪ Glee!
I'll understand every scene ♪

♪ because they'll sing
what they mean ♪

♪ instead of making a face ♪

♪ families are closer
when families are winning ♪

♪ everything's cooler
when cameras are spinning ♪

Both: ♪ singing and dancing
in unison... ♪

♪ in-inning ♪

♪ glee is the gift ♪

♪ that we need ♪

Glee!

Thank you, Mr. Rad.

Don't break down the set yet.

I'm gonna try to get my friends
to be in the Christmas pageant.

[Chuckles]
Thank you, Abed!

Thank you.

[Humming]

Merry Christmas, Troy.

Abed, you look gleeful.

Troy, don't you think
it might actually be fun,

doing this Christmas pageant
for the glee club?

Abed, we hate the glee club.

Yeah.

I guess I just like
liking things.

Abed.

Look, you know I'd do anything
you did, but...

[Sighs]
I'm a Jehovah's Witness.

We're not supposed
to celebrate Christmas.

I've been thinking about that.

I may have a loophole.
[Suspenseful music]

What if you were
a Jehovah's Witness

that was merely pretending
to be into Christmas,

gathering clues and blending in

to take down the holidays
from within?

You mean like a spy
investigating,

making it seem
like I'm celebrating,

when actually I'm infiltrating
Santa's operation?

- Yoip!
- ♪ Going deep cover ♪

♪ past enemy lines ♪

♪ making everybody think
I'm on the Christmas side ♪

♪ rocking warm sweaters,
hanging big-ass lights ♪

♪ if the fat man can see me,
yo it's gotta look right ♪

♪ I'll watch all the tv specials
that I never could ♪

♪ I'll even cry during the sad
ones, like James Bond would ♪

♪ and when the big night comes,
it's time to set the bait ♪

♪ cold milk, hot cookies ♪
Both: ♪ decorative plate ♪

♪ and he'll come down
the chim-in-ey ♪

♪ and it will be
just him and me ♪

♪ but he won't know
we're enemies ♪

♪ 'cause I'll play sincere,
spring a trap ♪

♪ like that, hug him tight,
get on his lap ♪

♪ and tell him he can
come back every year ♪

♪ 'cause I am Jehovah's
most secret witness ♪

♪ so I might have to dedicate
my life to Christmas ♪

♪ and act just like I love it
till the day I die ♪

♪ A-b-e-d
connoisseur of Christmas ♪

♪ on the spectrum,
none of your business ♪

♪ talks to fast to comprehend ♪

♪ just wanna do right
by my friend ♪

♪ if years were seasons,
this December ♪

♪ would be the December
of our December ♪

♪ more blueprints
than Howard Hughes ♪

♪ but if they are blue prints,
how do we choose? ♪

♪ we have to be happy
to get to the end ♪

♪ we have to save Christmas
to save our friends ♪

Both: ♪ we have to save
Christmas to save our friends ♪

♪ we have to save Christmas
to save our friends ♪

Hey, guys.

Rapping?

- Yep, wanna join us?
- Totally!

Wait, you guys never
let me rap with you.

Well, we're gonna need
all hands on deck

if we're gonna go to regionals.

Cool.

I just need to...
Study...

Though...In my room.

So have fun!

And then, this morning,

I could hear them
in the bathroom,

doing
country Western mash-ups.

And they won't stop talking
about regionals!

Maybe it's nothing.

Yeah, if "nothing"
wears a sweater-vest

and seems aggressively asexual.

Come on, let's all study
for our biology final

in our old--

Where's our table?

Who's that guy?

You guys all see him too,
right?

- Hey, guys.
- Merry Christmas, y'all.

Sorry about the rearrangement.

We need this space to rehearse
for the pageant.

But we're not doing
the pageant.

Look, guys,
I hear your negativity,

but also,
can I counter with this?

Who hates glee?

Listen to how that sounds.

Glee literally
means "glee."

Oh, stop it!

Not liking glee club
doesn't make us bullies,

and implying that
is reverse bullying.

Good point.
Sing about it?

All: No!

I understand them,
but you, Pierce?

Your generation invented music!

I don't know
about "invented."

Perfected, maybe.
Pierce!

They're just trying to pander
to your demographics'

well-documented
historical vanity. Resist!

Abed,
wasn't Santa Claus himself

part of Pierce's peer group?

I believe so.

Both: One, two,
three, four.

♪ Santa Claus
was born in 1945 ♪

♪ He had a boogie woogie
Coca-Cola army jive ♪

♪ and when the commies
gave the polio to Doris Day ♪

♪ Santa helped the Beatles
chase McCarthy away ♪

♪ that baby boomer Santa ♪

♪ he's never gonna die ♪

♪ Santa fought at Woodstock
and Vietnam ♪

♪ and smoked a ton of acid
and burnt his bra ♪

♪ and then in 1970,
he did more drugs ♪

♪ and his hair stayed long
and he ♪

♪ grew a mustache ♪

Both:
♪ baby boomer Santa ♪

♪ he's gonna stay
Ali-I-I-ive ♪

♪ Santa invented
Spielberg and microchips ♪

♪ Santa invented
Coca-Cola and aerobics ♪

♪ he made the iron curtain
and the Gremlins 2♪

♪ fake butter and AIDS
and Twin Peaks! ♪

Both:
♪ baby boomer Santa ♪

♪ thank you for MTV ♪

♪ Ow! Ow! ♪

♪ baby boomer Santa ♪

♪ thank you for everything ♪

♪ You're welcome ♪

♪ You're welcome
for everything ♪

♪ in the world ♪

♪ you're welcome ♪

♪ you're welcome
for all that I bring ♪

♪ to the world ♪

♪ I'm baby boomer Santa ♪

♪ I bring the gift
of the world ♪

♪ baby boomer Santa ♪

♪ I'm an American pearl ♪

- Pierce is on board.
- That's great!

For the Christmas queen,
I'm hoping

we can get Shirley or Annie.

They both have
really strong voices

and natural
♪ vibrato. ♪

- There's also Britta.
- Britta's adorable!

So Shirley or Annie
for the Christmas queen.

There's a leaf
on Britta's head.

She's playing a tree!

And it's gonna be so fun!

Mr. Radison, who authorized
you to rearrange our study room,

and who do you think
you are anyway?

I'll tell you.

[Plays one note]

[Barbershop quartet style]
♪ Well ♪

♪ well ♪

♪ well ♪

I'm scared to go
into the study room.

There are so many top hats
in there.

I wish there was a way
we could stop all this.

I mean, I realize the stakes
aren't actually that high,

but somehow, that just
makes it extra scary.

I know.

Jeff, I think I know
what Mr. Rad is up to.

There's something
you have to see.

Mr. Rad plans to get
every single member

of our study group
to join the glee club.

Well, I don't know how
he thinks that's gonna happen.

I'll show you.

Wha--?

This is just one
of the many costume changes

I'll be doing during the show.

We're a shoo-in for regionals,
right?

Annie, you too?

This is beneath you.

You are an intelligent woman.

Also, you're Jewish!

[Flirtatiously] I guess
I have a lot to learn

about holiday tradition.

[Upbeat piano tune]

♪ Teach me how
to understand Christmas ♪

♪ show me how to open a box ♪

♪ it hurts my little head ♪

♪ when I'm lying in my bed ♪

♪ with visions
of sugarplum socks ♪

Is this a bit?

♪ Teach me how
to understand Christmas ♪

♪ do I trim the tree ♪

♪ or the deer? ♪

♪ I can't keep it straight ♪

♪ and now it's getting late ♪

♪ where does
the stocking go? ♪

♪ here? ♪

I can't see!

♪ What's a Christmas Eve? ♪

♪ is that Santa's lady? ♪

♪ are snowmen cold or hot? ♪

♪ won't you be
my daddy? ♪

♪ I'm a silly Christmas baby ♪

♪ tell me what to deck ♪

[Giggles] ♪ 'cause I forgot ♪

- Annie.
- Ooh!

♪ "Bwain" hurt-y,
understand-y "cwistmas" ♪

♪ mistletoe for eat-y,
taste good?"

♪ You smarty, me dumb ♪

♪ help "pwetty" have fun ♪

♪ boopy doopy doop boop ♪

♪ sex ♪

Look, eventually, you hit
a point of diminishing returns

on the sexiness.

What's a dimin--
[Speaks gibberish]?

- Stay back, old man.
- Don't even hum.

Shirley, Britta,
I have no intention of singing.

Good.

I can't speak
for these little angels though.

Oh!

Choir: ♪ there's a magic
in the air ♪

♪ around us ♪

♪ we all have the sudden urge
to bake ♪

♪ it feels like
a very special birthday ♪

♪ but whose name
should be written on the cake?

Mm!

Shirley,
you need to get out of here!

Choir: ♪ we asked our public
school to give the answer ♪

They're not gonna tell you.

Choir: ♪ but they could only
teach us not to pray ♪

That's what they do.
That's what they do.

Choir: ♪ the constitution says
the state can't tell us ♪

♪ was anyone important
born today? ♪

Oh, gotta tell the babies!

♪ Jesus Christ! ♪

♪ Jesus Christ is the lord ♪

♪ Happy Birthday, Jesus ♪

Choir:
♪ Happy Birthday ♪

♪ cut the cake,
cut the cake now ♪

♪ cut the cake, my lord ♪

Oh, Jeff, thank God!

They got Shirley!
It's just you and me now.

Jeff?

[Singing one long note]

[Screaming]

Guys, I am swelling with pride!

You stepped up, and you saved
the Christmas pageant!

Whoo!

And it's all thanks to you,
Mr. Rad.

I just hope we can repay you
by making regionals.

Uh, I thought
this was regionals.

Don't let my confusion
undercut their importance.

Places, everyone!

[Squealing]

Scooch, scooch, scooch,
scooch, scooch.

I could not have done this

without your
recruiting skills, Abed.

I was happy to do it.
For a while there, I thought

we were gonna end the semester
on a really dark note.

I'm glad we're singing
and dancing together instead.

This has been a good time.

And it's going to continue
to be a good time.

If we win regionals, then it's
straight on to sectionals.

And then a week later is semis.
Then semiregionals.

Then regional-semis.

Then national
lower-zone semis!

Oh.

But I kinda thought this was...

You know, just for Christmas.

No, no, no.

This is forever.

This is what we do now.

This is who we are.

[Overlapping chatter]

- ♪ Fa la la la la ♪
- ♪ Fa la la la la ♪

- ♪ fa la ♪
- ♪ Fa la la la la ♪

- ♪ fa la la la la ♪
- Holla!

All: ♪ we are planet Christmas
when we sing ♪

♪ we will sing together
throughout everything ♪

- ♪ we are planet Christmas ♪
- Britta.

[Gasps]
Is this about regionals?

I just talked to Cory,
and he needs you to be

the mouse king instead of me.

Me? But I'm supposed
to be a mute tree.

- It's an emergency.
- Hmm?

This will help us
get to regionals!

I knew it!
Wait, what are the lyrics?

- They're in your heart, Britta.
- Right. Duh doy!

Glee club: ♪ we are everyone,
and we are everything ♪

[Wailing]
♪ Christmas time! ♪

What the--?

Oh, Britta's in this?

♪ I got a Christmas time
for me ♪

♪ I got a Christmas time
for a tree ♪

- No! She's ruining it!
- ♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas time ♪

♪ me so Christmas,
me so merry ♪

No, stop, stop, stop, stop!

What are you doing?
Get off the stage!

I'm singing my heart's song.

Get off the stage,
and never sing again!

You are the worst!

Hey!

You do not get to call Britta
"the worst."

- Yeah!
- Let her finish!

Mr. Radison,
I think it's fine.

I know Greendale
is an all-inclusive school.

Why don't we let Britta
sing her awkward song?

Yeah!
[Cheering]

No, no, no, no, no, no!

This show is supposed to be
gleeful and bright and fun,

and you can let me do that,

or there can be
another bus crash!

[Gasping]

Well, figuratively.

[Chuckling] I'm not saying,

"I killed
the last glee club."

[Laughing] I'm saying
you not listening to me

is like metaphorically cutting
the brake lines on your own--

look, kings of Leon!
[Gasping]

What did he say?

Did Mr. Rad
kill the last glee club?

And to think
I trusted him enough

to captain a magic carpet
in that dream I had last night.

Maybe Jeff's right.

Maybe forcing things
to be bright just makes

the darkness underneath
even darker.

This was all my fault,
insisting we do the pageant.

Sorry.

Merry Christmas.

I guess I'll just see you guys
after the holidays.

[Beeps]

Happy time day, Reggie.

It is tradition to give
one's constable a gift

at the end
of each orbital cycle.

Oh, thank you, inspector!

[Chuckles]

- Blimey! A hologram?
- Mm-hmm.

Let's activate it
and view the performance.

[Beeps]

♪ I tried to find
a way around ♪

♪ then get behind your wall ♪

♪ I tried to reach the top ♪

This is terrible.

Study group:
♪ the angels did say ♪

♪ was to certain
poor Shepherds ♪

♪ in fields where they lay ♪

♪ in fields where they ♪

♪ lay keeping their sheep ♪

♪ on a cold winter's night ♪

♪ that was so deep ♪

We decided we wanted to spend
the holiday together.

It's been a dark semester.

I basically killed a guy.

And I kind of attacked you guys
with a fire axe.

Yeah.

I'm thinking about seeing
a new shrink.

- What?
- Don't.

Holy crap.

Look how terrible
this Christmas special is.

Children's choir:
♪ Noel, Noel ♪

♪ Noel, Noel ♪

♪ we will see you ♪

♪ after regionals ♪

[Continues singing "pop"]
♪ My name is Alex,

♪ my name is Alex,
my name is Alex ♪

♪ my name is Alex ♪
[Continues singing]

[Raspberries to rhythm]

♪ Merry, merry, merry,
merry "Chang-mas" ♪

♪ Merry, merry, merry,
merry "Dean-mas" ♪

- ♪ Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean ♪
- No, no, no, no, no, no!

- No!
- ♪ Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean ♪

♪ Dean dong ♪
[Screaming]

- No!
- ♪ Dean dong ♪