Community (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 4 - Basic Rocket Science - full transcript

City College has a space simulator.

We know, close the door.

As I was saying, on Monday,

City College will be unveiling
the City College Cosmic Pioneer,

their very own orbital launch
simulator.

Pretty soon, they will have
an astronaut on their brochure,

and we will still be bragging
about our Foosball table.

What do you think happens
to enrollment then?

I don't know about you gentlemen,
but I love my campus.

I don't wanna watch it
become a City College parking lot.

Well, what can we do?



We can launch
our own space simulator.

Before they simulate their launch
on Monday,

we simulate a launch
this weekend.

We make Greendale,
not City College,

the first community college
to pretend to put a man in space.

Do we even have a simulator?
We can get one.

In 1980, the county museum had

a state-of-the-art
space mission simulator,

sponsored
by Kentucky Fried Chicken,

called The Kentucky Fried Chicken
Eleven Herbs and Space Experience.

Gentlemen, Greendale's future.
MEN: Oh.

Actually, that photo is from the past.
Here's one more current.

MAN: It's seen better days.
I admit, it could use a good wash.

And I've got just the crew to wash it.



[###]

Can we stop walking in slo-mo now?
Twenty more yards.

You guys are walking in slo-mo?

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST
IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

PELTON:
You guys are an hour late.

Abed kept making us
redo our walk.

I think you know the reason this
group has been chosen for this job.

To atone for the obscene entry
you submitted

in the Greendale
school flag contest.

That's right, I know that this isn't
a symbol for the crossroads of ideas,

I now know it's a butt.

[SNICKERING]

Yeah, keep snickering. Pack yourselves with
peanuts and really be satisfied, but guess what.

This won.

This is now our school flag forever.
Proud of yourselves?

How do you know it was our design?
We submitted it anonymously. Whoops.

One of you actually came forward.

What?

Now, somewhere beneath this dirt
is Greendale's newest pride.

And my hope
is that while you scrub it,

you will find the school pride
in your hearts.

After we clean it, can we go inside?
No.

That is a job
for some upstanding students

who are training right now
in the Simulator Simulator.

Great job on this.

Hard to believe I'm not really
not really in space.

I expect this craft
to be squeaky clean

in time for the pretend launch
in front of the press at 3:00.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to make this into a butt flag.

I remember this thing
from high school.

During field trips,
we used to sneak inside

and get to praying.

Oh, that's nice.

We should take a coffee break.
Let's all get coffee.

Where are Troy and Abed?

They made their way into that thing
after the dean left.

What?

[###]

Oh. It's more beautiful
than I imagined.

You've never been in it?

My dad never let me.
He had a grudge against restaurants,

they almost wiped out
his falafel stand.

I memorized every detail
of this old girl on the Internet.

Guys, we can't be in here.
Then get out.

Wow, pretty well-preserved
for something that survived the '80s.

And a local transient
who liked to collect doll heads.

PIERCE:
Ah. The '80s.

Our teen years, right, everybody?

I feel like I'm underdressed for this.

I'm gonna get something
from the dorm.

Guys, seriously, I have to ask
that we all step out of here.

You gonna tattle on us
like you did with the flag?

I didn't tattle,
but you shouldn't have made it.

If you love Greendale so much,
why don't you marry it?

Sorry, sorry,
I'm a little claustrophobic, that's all.

It's no big deal
as long as I'm standing near a door.

In closed situations I get a little nuts
and I don't know what's gonna...

Hey, hey, hey. No.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

Hello?

SANDERS [OVER SPEAKER]:
Greetings.

I am Systematic Android Network
Diode Energy Rocket System,

but you may call me Sanders.

Sanders, Sanders,
this is Pierce Hawthorne.

Can I get this door open?

Look for the handle.
There's got to be a handle.

It was the '80s. Everybody
who made this was on cocaine.

We can't be in here.

Just as Kentucky Fried Chicken's
secret process seals in the flavor,

I'm sealing the cabin's air
so you don't explode on your journey.

What?
What does that mean?

Please find a seat, strap yourself in
and wait for Mission Control.

Okay, we gotta find a handle
on this door.

Guys, can we take a mental step
backwards

and realize we are simply
in a Winnebago and we'll be fine?

[THUDDING AND RUMBLING]

Oh, my God.
Please find a seat.

Strap yourself in
and wait for Mission Control.

I'm not strapping into a coffin.
We gotta get out of here.

I hope you've found a seat.

I want you to be safe.

Did you just threaten me?

Pierce, you're talking
to an Atari cartridge. Sit down.

Ah!
Oh, we're moving.

This is part of the simulation, right?

I don't think this is a simulation.

I think we're being towed.

[###]

Come on.
Hello?

You guys, forget it.
Whoever's towing us can't hear us.

You know, this is classic Greendale.
That place deserves an anus flag.

Can anyone get a phone signal?
SHIRLE Y & BRITTA: No.

Mine's working, but it's that black guy
with the wrong number.

Pierce, I keep telling you
that that is an iPod,

and you are listening
to Wesley Snipes' audio book.

He sure hates the government.

This is a long shot,

but maybe if I do this,
it will solve everything.

[BEEPING]

Damn it.

This is all my fault.
Very much so.

Hey, when you go fishing,
sometimes you catch a boot.

PELTON [OVER RADIO]:
Where are you?

[PELTON'S VOICE BREAKING UP]

Where...?
Hello?

Where are you hoodlums?
Bring my spaceship back.

Uh... We are...

Forty light years outside
of the Buttermilk Nebula,

although it is possible...

Yeah, it's a sticker.

Hey, Terrible Dean.

This thing is being towed
with us in it.

Oh. Oh, okay, wait.

So handicap spots count
on Saturdays?

Assuming we don't wind up
in a compactor,

when we get back,
I am going to step on you.

As much as I might enjoy that, if you
don't get back in time for the launch,

City College wins, and Greendale
becomes just another school

on my resume that no one can call
because it doesn't exist.

Now tell me where you are.

In a moving canister with no phone
and no GPS

because the only window
is sealed shut.

[###]

Hell... Hello?

Jeffrey? Damn it.

It isn't sealed shut.
Hmm?

Window isn't sealed, it slides open
when you complete the simulation.

Well, can you talk them through it?
Hey, Abed.

If they can open that window,
they can tell us where they are,

and we can find them.

I was supposed to be on that thing.

[###]

I know how she works.

Hey, that's why they need you
to bring her home.

I'll get us some coffee.

[IN SINGSONG VOICE] Psycho.

[###]

ABED: Troy.
Abed?

You can get that window open
by doing the simulation.

Look at the panel, tell me your recipe.
Original.

How many pieces?
TRO Y: Six.

Flavor?
TRO Y: Tasty.

We need to get up to delicious.

That makes sense.

SANDERS:
Excellent work, captain.

Now keep your herbs
and spices balanced

while the crew
helps you with teamwork.

Guys, we can get the window open
if you man your terminals

and we complete the simulation.
Yeah, I got a better idea.

[ANNIE YELLING]

Gooby dooby, gooby dooby.

We're all gonna die,
we're all gonna die.

My readings indicate
the need for cooperation.

I hate to pull rank on you, but I
need you to man your station, Jeff.

I hate to pull reality on you,
but you got your rank, captain,

by sitting in the chair
with the largest knobs.

My readings indicate Pierce.

[MOUTHS] What?
SANDERS: Pierce.

My readings indicate
you're going to die alone.

Why is he saying that?
Why is he saying that to me?

He's getting worse.
Almost there.

Stop talking, old man.

You can't make me stop, Pierce,
because Troy is giving me life force.

I knew it. I knew it.

Hey, hey.

Come on, Troy.

Abed.

Hold on, Troy.

[SCREAMING OVER RADIO]

ABED:
Kentucky One? Do you read me?

Kentucky One?
Kentucky One, do you read me?

Kentucky One, copy.
Kentucky, come in, Kentucky.

I've worked out a way to reroute
the power from the battery.

Reroute to what?

Everybody. Here is the situation.

This is Greendale.

This is the maximum distance
from Greendale we can drive

to haul them back up here in time
for the simulated launch.

And these are city impound lots,

any of which
might be their destination.

What are these other circles?
What circles?

Looks like you've circled restrooms
and truck stops, there's another one.

Okay, that is a different side
of the map and that is

for a different project.
Why do they have star ratings?

Let's get to work, people.
Got it, talk to me, buddy, come on.

Well, we stopped moving.

Pierce has got space madness,
so he's old,

they're locking him up in the back.

[PIERCE GRUNTS]
[SHIRLE Y YELLS]

You can't do this to me.
We just did.

Guys, please.
You're becoming animals.

Oh, shut up, we wouldn't even
be here if it wasn't for you.

That's not true, we weren't supposed
to be in here when it happened.

When what happened?

When we got towed?

How did you know
we were gonna get towed?

I set it up.

I called City College about
transferring and the dean told me

that he would get me in if I helped
sabotage Greendale's launch.

I was to make sure nobody
was around so they could steal it.

And then you guys were late,
and then...

Wait, wait, you're transferring?
Why?

[MUTTERING]

You guys thought that butt hole flag
was so funny.

I respect you all
to let you hate yourselves,

but I respect myself too much
to let you hate my school.

[###]

Yeah, I'm not buying it.
Yeah, let's kill her.

Wait, City College was behind this?

We gotta get back in time for launch.
Why?

We earned the right to pick on
Greendale every day by going there.

Our school may be a toilet,
but it's our toilet.

Nobody craps in it but us.

BRITTA: Yeah.
Now, that was inspiring.

Seriously?

Captain.

Get to your stations.

Thrusters.
Full.

Thermal shield.
On.

Navigation.
Three.

Chicken.
Yeah.

Ready?
GROUP: Ready.

Suppertime.

[WHIRRING]

[BEEPS]

Hold it.

[BEEPING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
OVER MACHINE]

SANDERS: Congratulations, crew.
You've worked together.

Now feast your eyes on the wonders
of the cosmos.

[###]

TRO Y [OVER RADIO]:
Greendale? Greendale?

Everybody, be quiet.
Everybody, quiet down, quiet down.

Say again?
TRO Y: Standby for location.

[###]

[MOOS]

What do you see, gang?

We are in

Coldwater.

[###]

Here, they're next to the truck stop
with three thumbs.

Those aren't thumbs.

JEFF:
Greendale, do you copy? Greendale?

I'm sorry, Jeff.

I'm afraid

you're out of town.

[MOOS]

[COWS MOOING]

I guess somebody will come get us
eventually.

I really miss Greendale.

How many schools would let you
make a butt flag, then actually fly it?

How many schools would let you get
a degree in Theoretical Phys-Ed?

Annie.

We owe you an apology.

Nobody should have to choose between
their friends and their school.

Thanks.

You shouldn't have tattled
about the flag.

I tattled.

I told the dean it was our design.
And I told him it was a butt too.

What?
Why, Jeffrey?

He kept not seeing it.
I mean, it was driving me crazy.

It says, "E Pluribus Anus."

We should've put cheeks on it.

There is a time and a place
for subtlety

and that time
was before Scary Movie.

PIERCE:
Hey, guys.

I'm feeling a lot better now.

You sound good.

In a weird way,
being in a smaller place like this,

I was able to work through
some things.

I think I'm ready to come out.

I'll kill you.
I will kill you, Sanders.

Come on, man, come on.

[ALL YELLING]
[SANDERS VOICE BREAKING UP]

Get off my mommy. I'm her man.

SHIRLE Y: Pierce.
Stop it.

No, calm down, Pierce, calm down.

[###]

Hey, who's feeling skinny?

Dean, the press is here.

I tried to buy us some time
with these sandwiches,

but they thought I was doing
product integration for KFC.

This Hawaiian bread,
so good, though.

Time to face the music.

MAN:
Craig.

Stephen, surprised to see you here.

You don't think I'd miss your moment
of triumph, do you?

Greendale beating City College
into simulated space.

Unless you're having trouble
locating your ship.

You.

You were behind this?

The next time you provoke
City College,

you will lose
more than a Winnebago.

JEFF [OVER RADIO]:
Greendale, come in, Greendale.

Go ahead, Kentucky.
You can call off the rescue.

We're coming to save you.

[###]

Come on,
you family-sized bucket of bolts.

[###]

Abed, construction on Spring Road.

I see it. Left on Apple Valley.

Annie, left on Apple.

Hold tight.

[GRUNTING]

Hi.
Hi.

Hi.
Get off of me.

They'll never make it back, Craig.

That thing might as well be
on a simulation of the moon.

Oh, you know what...?

[HORN HONKING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]

Ah! Yes.

[HORN HONKING]

Hey, wait up.

[CHATTERING]

[SCREAMING]

PIERCE:
No.

Ladies and gentlemen, returning
from their maiden simulation,

the fabulous
Greendale Green-stronauts.

[CROWD CHEERING
& APPLAUDING]

Yes.

MAN:
Yeah, that's good.

I picked the team. I picked this team.

Well, Anne, I suppose you're not
City College material after all.

Thank you.

Annie, that was great.
Good job.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Great job up there, captain.
Really?

Think I could be a real astronaut?

If NASA ever needs someone to keep
an arrow inside a moving rectangle,

I know who I'd recommend.

Abed, wanna take a seat
in the captain's chair?

I think you've earned it.
No, thanks.

Can't imagine what could have been
cooler than what I've done today.

[EXPLOSION]

Okay, that was cooler.

[###]

[###]

ANNOUNCER:
In the future...

Mission Control, headed for base.

Target acquired.

ANNOUNCER:
Two cardboard boxes...

I got a bogey on my six.
Yeah, I'm on your six.

Evasive maneuvers.

- Are about to become...

Still on your six.

I took evasive maneuvers,
you can't be.

Then I'm on your 12.
That means I'm on your six.

Good.

- Space ships.