Community (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 20 - Competitive Wine Tasting - full transcript

When a beautiful woman rejects him in favor of Pierce, Jeff is convinced she must have ulterior motives. Meanwhile, Troy invents a painful childhood memory in order to attract Britta, and ...

Don't forget, Greendale.

It's the last day to sign up
for a spring semester elective.

Horseback riding,
waterskiing, fencing.

Those are just a few classes
we can afford to offer

if enough people
pay to learn hopscotch.

Oh, they've got a class
on jokes.

Don't take that. I dropped it
after the lesson on setups.

The professor is so old...

So many classes.
I don't know what to choose.

I'll give you the advice my father
gave me the night I lost my virginity.

"Just pick one.
They all cost the same."

You could always take "The Actor
Inside" with me and Troy.

How'd you get dragged
into that one?

Our dance teacher encourages us to
take acting to tap into our emotions,

so Troy and I both decided
to take it together.

Hm. Foosball was full?

On the wait list.
Don't give up.

I was on the wait list for this
class for a year and I got in.

"Who Indeed: A Critical Analysis
of Television's Who's the Boss?"

The professor is the author.

We got him?
I know.

So, what are you taking, Jeff?

While you are expanding
your minds and souls,

I'll be expanding my liver
in Italian Wine Tasting.

I'm taking that one too.

How do you say "ha, ha" in Italian?

I'll look it up.
Come on, it'll be fun.

I can give you pointers.

I was a lawyer at a top-tier law firm.

When I wasn't shielding the wealthy,
I was drinking their finest wines.

You have your own wine cellar?
Pierce does.

And it's "ha, ha."

Anyone can have a cellar.
It's what's in it.

Pierce's has a special gym
with swings and saddles.

Uh, we don't...
We don't discuss the special gym.

Attention, please. Attention, please.

All elective forms must be in
by the end of the day.

Oh, nice job, Manuel.

And good news, there's still plenty of
room in my PA Announcements class.

Just 10 bucks an hour.

You're taking this too?
Hell, yeah.

You got drunk ladies, fancy bathrooms
and a room full of free coats.

Sorry I'm late, man.
I brought you a present.

Oh. From before
your chin dimple filled in.

Uh, excuse me.

So sorry.


Who is the dumpling
with the nice Asian pair?

That's the first time sexism
made me hungry,

but she is something.

I fear I may have
to let her see me nude.

I might have to take a shot myself.

What's funny?
Why would a woman

want a Plymouth on blocks
when she could have a Testarossa

with a six-speed stick?

Because my stick
is ribbed for her pleasure.

I think those are wrinkles.
Let that breathe.

Lingering scent, full body,

perfect nose.
Very nice wine.

I was talking about you.

Jeff Winger.

Wu Mei Hong Long.

Oh, what a lovely name
for a lovely...

Uh... Not interested.

Please take weird haircut, stupid grin,
and go sniff another dog's ass.

Heh, heh. The red dragon ordered a Number
37 with a side of pork-fried snap.

When you get up close,
she's very homely.

This is gonna be fun.
I can't wait till we choose stage names.

Which do you think is better,
Trevor St. McGoodbody or David?

Don't think you have to worry about that.
This is about introspection.


Less of a drag.


Form a trust circle around me
and sit on the floor.

- A trust circle?
- It's just a circle.

It's a circle. Sit down.

Acting is revealing, expression.

When we release pain,
we become visible to each other,

and that is an actor's job.

That and, you know,
pretending to be other people.

Let's start with you.

Access and share with us a
profoundly deep and painful memory.

I'm on the playground.

Stop taunting me.

I just want to go on the swings!

Good. Early childhood
is a treasure trove of pain.

That happened this morning.

You're up.

Me? Um...

I don't think...

I don't want you to think.

Feel. Go back.

Dig in, emotilise.
Something hurt you.


I was captain of
my high school football team.

It was very hard being popular.

- What a loser.
- Okay, great. Next person.

I've always felt somehow ignored,

almost invisible.

Every time I go to say something,

My uncle put his finger in my no-no.

What? Oh, my God.

This. This is where
acting begins.

Welcome to A Critical Analysis
of Who's the Boss?

I am Professor Peter Sheffield,

and I'd like to begin
with a simple question:

Who was the boss?


Oh, well, class dismissed.

No, calm down. Calm down.

I'm sorry, um, Mr?

The answer is not quite that simple,
Mr. Abed.

Few are.

Now, if everyone could please
turn to Page 12 in my book.

Ahem, loser.

You have to finish that by tomorrow?
Yeah, but it's a page-turner.

I'm on the chapter where he traces
Tony Micelli's genealogy to Caesar.

Better than wine tasting with Pierce.

Refused pinot noir, thought it
was French for "black penis."

And he's late, again.
It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

Thank you.

He'll be here. He wouldn't miss a
chance to say something offensive.

Man's gonna run out of ways
to shock people.

Everybody, this is Wu Mei,

and we're getting married.

But it's not gonna be today.

So you're getting married
to that beautiful young thing?

Well, uh, stranger things
have happened.

No. No, they haven't.

You said you guys just met?
Yesterday after wine tasting class

I mentioned that her breasts were
larger than most Asian women,

and we just got to talking.

Turns out Pierce
has been to China many times.

To get fireworks
too dangerous for Mexico.

No. I go to visit my factory.

Hawthorne Wipes are
the number-one towelette in Asia.

After a few minutes, we both just knew
we were meant to be together forever.

Or at least until she gets heavy.

And now we must leave you.

Many plans to make.
Yes, yes, big plans.

Well, what are we gonna do?

Plan an engagement party.
You out of your mind? This is a scam.

She's after his money or a green card.
They seem to like each other.

Pierce married three of his wives
after knowing them a month.

Maybe he's just a romantic.

Not that you
would understand romance.

Don't preach to me about romance.
I had a three-way in a hot air balloon.

Fine. Guess I'll do it myself.

Ready to go?

Boy, he seems really worked up.

Hey, don't take on his pain.
Tend your own garden.

I'll see you in class.

What's going on?

Oh, um... I didn't have a painful
experience to share in acting class,

so I said my uncle
tried to touch my butt.

Britta's attracted to pain.
Helps her pretend to be healthy.


I hadn't noticed.

Nothing good can come of this.


I'll have to think hard
about how to defuse the situation.

No, Uncle Lucius, I don't wanna
play in the laundry room!

My emotions! My emotions!

- That was really beautiful.
- Actors dismissed.

Uh, for homework,

drink a glass of cognac
in a bathtub.

Troy, I feel like I'm seeing
a whole different side of you.

There's just so much darkness.

And my soul is darkening,

and my heart is mad
at my kidneys, and...

My mouth...

See you tomorrow.

Um, hello.
Oh, hi.

I'm glad you could come.

Please sit.

I felt like we got off
on the wrong foot,

and I wanted to offer you
my other foot.

First, let me say
how happy I am for you both.

Your parents must be so excited.

Are they coming to the wedding?
Oh, they would not miss it.

My mother will make
the customary shark's fin soup,

and my father will get drunk
and make bad impression of Borat.

Oh, so your parents don't mind having
a son-in-law roughly their age?

No. Pierce is a beautiful, wise man,

very gentle soul.

Let me tell you that I am a lawyer,
so if you need any help at all,

navigating the whole green card,
immigration hassle...

I am dual citizen already.

Oh. If you'd like me to look at the prenup...
I assume you have one.

Yes, but my father's lawyers
will take care of this.

After all, we must protect
our family fortune.

Hm. Now I'm stumped.
Excuse me?

Uh... It was... That means
it was very nice talking to you.

Oh. Okay, if you say so.

Okay. Bye.
Okay, goodbye.

Why were you grilling her?

I'm gonna bust into her apartment.
Do you have any grappling hooks?

Maybe Pierce
found his soul mate.

How can you say those things
without irony?

That's why they call me
irony-free Annie.

Mm, trust me,
that's not what they call you.

Yes? Oh.

Mr. Abed. What can I do for you?
I finished your book, professor.

I've been watching Who's the Boss?
There's something you overlooked.

Mr. Abed, will you look at my wall?

What do you see?

Of what?

With whom?

Tony Danza, Judith Light,
Alyssa Milano,

Who's the Boss caterer
Gordon "Giddy-up" Galligan.

I have studied this show, Mr Abed.

I am not a fan, I am not a groupie,
I am an academic.

When I ask the question,
"Who's the boss?"

It is a rhetorical question.

When I ask the question beyond
the question, "What is a boss?"...

I really think it's Angela, because
if it's a boss you're looking at...


I would like you to leave.
My mind is open.

Open as the door
to Mona's bedroom.

It's a shame yours isn't.
I beg your pardon?

You know,
I just got a wonderful idea.

Why don't you teach
the next class?

That way you can share
your open mind with everybody.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.


I couldn't be more touched

you threw us
an engagement party.

You said if we didn't,
you'd slash our tires.

Ha, ha, ha. She is funny.
Like Oprah.

Oprah's not a comedienne.

No, you are funny,
and you are like Oprah.

Heh, heh, heh. Yeah.

WU MEl: Thank you.

I'd like to offer
sincere congratulations.

It's hard to find people you can stand,
let alone someone willing to stomach

your imminent dementia
and present incontinence.

Thank you, Jeff.
I just hope she can satisfy me.

I'm like an insatiable baboon
in the bedroom.

Don't sell yourself short.
You're a baboon everywhere.

Seems like just yesterday me
and Abed dined and ditched here.

Here, hold this.
Bah. What is this?

I carry spare apps
in case the staff's racist.

Where's a napkin?
Here you go.

Oh, thanks.

Check that out.

Hats off to Pierce
and the hot red dragon.

Why do you keep calling her that?
"Hong Long" means "red dragon."

That's her middle name. In China,
they put the last name first.

I mean, they're nuts over there.

Thank you all for coming.
I know it seems fast,

but when you find the right person,
you know.

I know because I've found
the right person seven times.

So the drinks are on me,
but stick to the crappy stuff.

I don't wanna get cornholed
on the bar tab.

Pierce, you can't just
throw around a term like that.

Cornhole. Cornhole. Cornhole.

Pierce, Troy was molested.


Troy, we didn't know.

Troy, do you need me
to recommend a support group?

Hey, he's not a victim.

You're a survivor.

Yeah, about that.

I wasn't so much "molested"

as much as I "made it up."


We're gonna laugh so hard
about this later.

I'd like to propose a toast.

Wu Mei Hong Long, better
known as Mei Hong Long Wu,

is not only
not a Greendale student,

she works for Red Dragon Wipes,

the number-two wipe in Asia,

currently attempting
a takeover of Hawthorne Wipes.

So please, raise your glasses,

to saving Pierce from
the clutches of a corporate spy.

And to me for being
attractive enough

to get a girl like her
under normal circumstances.

Very impressive, Veronica Mars.
You learned how to use Google.

And you learned to fight
your desire for me.

Oh, stick it. You suck.

Wait, wait, wait.

Record scratch app.

Where'd everybody go?

Most people went home.

The rest went with Chang
to have a ketchup fight.

I better get back there before
he starts playing monkey drop.

Don't ask.

Oh, uh... Do you wanna come?

Why would I wanna go
anywhere with Judas Winger?

You're mad?
You should thank me.

For what?
Ruining my relationship?

What relationship? You just met the
woman, and the entire thing was a lie.

She was just using you
to get your company.

And I was just using her
to get her company in the sack.

People use each other, Jeff.

It doesn't mean that there
aren't feelings that go with it.

I liked her.

She was busty.

I thought we had something.
I was trying to help you.

I think what you were trying to do is
prove that no woman could want me.

You're here.

Look, Britta, I'm really sorry.

Troy, kissing you was a mistake.
It will never happen again.


Before my ex-boyfriend Pablo was
arrested for forging church relics,

he accused me of only being
attracted to a certain kind of guy.

It was hard to understand him, though.
He was huffed up on paint thinners.

Well, maybe someday
you'll fall for someone who's healthy.

Someone who, other than
his irrational fear of automatic toilets,

is normal.

Who would like to begin today?

I would.

With a confession.

My uncle never stuck
his finger in my plop-plop.

I know, I'm bummed about it too.

I'm sorry.

I wanna be interesting.
I wanna fit in with you guys.

I wanna be able to be an actor.

The pain of not having enough pain
is still pain, young man.

That may sound
like an easy resolution, but...

we're not writers.

We're actors.

Story doesn't matter here.

All that matters is our time...

in the spotlight.

And so, by all known definitions
of the word "boss,"

I.e., one with authority over another,
in nine of 11 possible fields

in which one might
teach, employ, guide,

oversee, andlor hold dominion,

the empirically provable answer
to the question "who's the boss?" is...

Angela Bower.

Class dismissed.

Class dismissed!

There's a path you take
and a path untaken.

The choice is up to you,
my friend.

I wonder why Jeff and Abed
didn't show.

I don't know about Abed,

but I'm sure Jeff just
found another life to destroy.

You thinking
about studying acting?

I'm auditioning for Garrity's all-black
production of Fiddler on the Roof.

It's called Fiddla Please.

What's she doing here?
I asked her to come.

I was thinking maybe you two
were meant to be together.

You're both rude,
deceitful and racist,

and you both come
from moist-wipe dynasties.

I think having that much in common
justifies at least one real date.

I guess we could go out to dinner.
You're paying.

You're dressing slutty.

How about Mexican?
How about Thai?

They're like Chinese Mexicans.

Heh. So true.

# It's hard to be Jewish
It's hard to be Jewish #

# It's hard to be Jewish
In Russia, yo #

# It's hard to be Jewish
It's hard to be Jewish #

# Hard to be Jewish in Russia, yo #

# Bagels and lox
Diamond shops #

# It's hard to be Jewish
In Russia, yo #

# Hard to be Jewish
Hard to be Jewish #

# Hard to be Jewish in Russia, yo ##

Someone drop
an Old Testament beat.