Community (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 18 - Custody Law and Eastern European Diplomacy - full transcript

Annie, two gifts?

Thank you.

Well, I wanted to get
the baby a doll

and since the father
might be Andre or Chang,

I wanted all
ethnic bases covered.

So there's a little
African-American girl.

And there's a very nice letter
from the manufacturer

promising to expand
their selection.

Oh, is everyone
enjoying their egg rolls

and/or Mieliepap.

A traditional maize porridge
popular in Ghana?



Annie, you are aware that baby
showers can be race neutral.

Yes, thank you, Annie,
for trying to be inclusive,

but, um, regardless
of any biological happenstance,

this baby will be raised
by Andre and I.

That's right.
And I seem to recall a story

about a man named Joseph

who happily raised a baby
that wasn't his.

History's greatest chump.

We're talking
about Joe Kennedy, right?

It's cool. If it's mine,
I'll be a lovable uncle.

Okay, a creepy uncle.
Final offer.

This is from me and Troy.

When your child
is a lone scavenger

in the nuclear wasteland,



clean water will be worth
its weight in gold.

Yeah, we wanted to get him
a sawed-off shotgun,

but those are pretty
expensive already.

Sorry.
You people eat this stuff?

I've never seen
that stuff in my life.

You know, you really
shouldn't say "you people."

Oh, it's okay.

Pierce was having trouble

quitting offensive phrases
cold Turkey,

so we've created
a bargaining system.

We traded "you people" for some
of his other favorite phrases.

Yeah, I really got...
Jewish-personed out of that one.

- Here, open mine.
- Thank you.

Oh, a cigar cutter,

Maxim magazine, and hot sauce.

It's a theme gift.

Sorry I'm late.

Can I get a ni hao
up in this hizzy?

Why is everyone in this school
obsessed with race?

White-people problems.

Ooh, that looks fun.

Oh, Troy, Abed,
who was that cute guy

that I saw you
outside with earlier?

Oh, that's Lukka.
That's our new friend.

- He's in Troy's history class.
- Oh, yeah, he's awesome.

He has an accent.
He rolls his own cigarettes.

And he plays
the same video games as us.

We like him a lot.

So you're not allowed
to bone him.

You just guaranteed
she'll bone him.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.
Ugh, who am I kidding?

I should be putting this
right on my thighs.

Community 2x18 - Custody Law and Eastern European Diplomacy

Watch out, Abed.
There's a guy on your six.

That's why I'm taking out
my nine millimeter.

Please.

In my country,
we give nine millimeter

to little girl for sweet 16.

- Try grenade launcher.
- Cool.

Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

Knock, knock.

Hey, I was just stopping by.

Oh, is this a bad time?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Gentlemen, it's no way

to treat a girl
that looks this way.

Come in.

- I'm Lukka.
- Britta.

Like, uh, Britney Spears.

Exactly like Britney Spears.

Britta was just leaving.

No, no, no, stay.

Visit with your friends.
I must go anyway.

- Oh!
- Yes, I'm cooking Podvarak.

- Oh, I've never had that.
- I could make for you.

Okay, I'll give you my number.

You are her boyfriends?

I love these guys.

They make funny
with their mouths.

Here you go.

- I leave.
- Okay.

What?

- He asked me out.
- You're not allowed.

- Not allowed?
- You'll ruin him.

- I'll ruin him?
- Stop repeating.

Stop rep...rimanding me,

and explain why I'll ruin him.

Britta, you date guys
that we think are cool,

and when you decide
you don't like them anymore,

you tell us
horrible things about them

that we can never unhear.

Name one guy I did that with.

- That one dude, tall Kyle.
- Jeff.

Jeff?
I ruined Jeff?

Oh, you mean
Jeff "nipple play" winger?

No, as you can see, we're still
hanging out with him.

How's it going, Jeff?

Promise me
you won't date Lukka,

and I'll give you one of these.

It's a sweatshirt I made

for everyone who was part of the
paintball adventure last year.

You should have given me

one of those a long time ago.
I kicked your asses.

Don't date Lukka.

"Hit my genie bottle"?

What the... what was that?

Ooh, ooh, Jeff, Jeff,

I was, um, hoping
you can help me with something?

Sure.
Let's have a look here.

Let's see, uh, pieces of paper,

stapled together,
lot of writing.

I'm afraid this is
as far as I can go.

No, no, no, I don't want
you to read it, Jeff.

I want you to help me
get Chang to sign it.

It's a little
something-something

I had an attorney draw up.

This little
something-something

is a forfeiture
of parental rights.

Mm-hmm.
Better safe than sorry.

Why do you need me
to make Chang

sign away
his hypothetical baby?

Isn't he sort of
living with you?

- Not cool, Shirley.
- You have a rapport with him...

Not cool, Shirley.

Besides, as your friend,
can I tell you,

don't poke that bear.

I mean, I think right now

you're as protected
as you can get.

I don't see Chang as being

a real hands-on
baby daddy.

Oh, so now we're all
in the business

of knowing what's going on
in Chang's head, huh?

Huh?

Fine.
For the child.

- God bless you.
- Not lately.

Oh, I'm, um...
Oh, I'm so sorry,

but could you just
not tell Troy and Abed

that we went out tonight?

No problem.

It's just, um...
They're just really worried

if you and I,
you know, see each other

that it's somehow gonna affect
your friendship with them.

Hey, don't worry.
Don't worry.

I can keep a secret.

I'm from the Balkans.

There are many things
I try not to talk about.

Lukka...

I knew it.

I knew there was pain in there.

Just so you know,

you can talk to me
about anything.

So much killing...

The corpses
stacked like firewood,

the rivers red
with their blood...

I miss it so much.

Oh, Lukka.

Mm. Wait, just, um...
Just to clarify,

when you say you miss it,

it's like... like you have
survivor's guilt,

like you wish you were
back over there

defending
the motherland, right?

Yes, I-I miss cleansing
our fields and forests

of the unclean people
who stole my country.

I miss the smell
of the villages burning.

I miss the way they used to run
from our tanks in fear.

Ah, damn it.

My neighbor is jazz musician.

Hey, Spencer, come on, man.

I got woman in here!

Great.

He really knows
how to kill the mood.

What are you doing?
Did you look for a job today?

I was going to,

but I noticed
your coffee table's wobbly,

so I decided to fix it.

Ugh!

It must be the floor.

Don't saw the floor.
Don't saw anything.

I'm tired of confiscating saws.
Give me that.

Take this.

"Parental rights"?

- You're adopting me?
- It's from Shirley.

It gives her
and Andre the baby.

Sign it.

Oh, and if anyone asks,

this was my most convincing
speech ever.

Why are you crying?

Ugh.

Don't tell me you actually
wanted to be a father.

I don't know.

Maybe.

I mean, what if this
is my last chance?

I mean, between you and me,
I don't Chang a lot of chicks.

But fathers are responsible.
They have jobs.

You, you crash
on people's couches

and twitch in your sleep
like a dog dreaming of a rabbit.

It's real!
You don't...

Wait.

So you're saying if I get a job
and my own apartment,

Shirley might let me be part
of my baby's life?

Yes.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

- So does that mean I can...?
- Go for it.

Where do you keep
getting these?

Hey, guys, where are you going?

We're grabbing lunch

for a marathon video game
session with Lukka.

Lots of fork foods... don't want
to grease up the troops.

Oh, speaking of Lukka,

how much do you guys know
about him, anyway?

- Why?
- Did you start dating him,

and now you want to tell us
horrible things about him?

What? No.

Good, 'cause Lukka's gonna
teach us how to break the will

of an entire village
by killing their livestock

and desecrating
their places of worship.

That sounds horrific.

Ugh. Girls are
so un-desensitized.

Jeffrey.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, man.

How'd that little talk go

with Chang last night?

Yeah, about that, Shirley,

I gave my most
convincing speech ever,

- and it didn't take.
- Didn't take?

We're not giving him
a perm, Jeff.

We just need to him
to sign a contract.

Well, "need" is...
Is a strong word.

I think Shirley would feel
more comfortable

if we had something in writing.

However,
I believe that we can handle

whatever obstacle
comes our way.

Aw, baby.

Well, good,
good morning, everybody.

Did you see
the stock market today?

Up, down...
Pick a direction, huh?

Man, I don't know
about you guys,

but I've been circling
these want ads all morning.

Now, who wants to take a break
and build a birdhouse?

Chang, what's going on?

I'm just getting
my act together.

I got a baby coming.

I can almost hear
the pitter-patter

of little Chinese feet
across the treetops.

And when that happens,

I got to be
the best dad I can be.

Right, Jeff, huh?

Come on,
don't leave me hanging,

my main mentor.

Oh, hey,
is that a reason to leave?

Jeffrey? Excuse me.

Jeffrey!

Let me ask you a question,
dad-to-dad.

Why do I have to put
the vcr on three

if Bones is on five?

Hmm?

Jeff! Jeffrey!

I know you not gonna make
a pregnant woman run.

I know you not gonna make
a pregnant woman

walk this distance between us.

So I ask you to help me,

and you take that
as an opportunity

to get Chang
out of your apartment?

Hey, who am I to stand
in the way

of someone trying
to put their life together?

- What am I, daytime television?
- Very cute, Jeff.

Well, how cute is it gonna be

when that lunatic
is dangling my baby

over a lion cage
on alternate weekends?

Could be pretty cute.
Are they baby lions?

New low, Jeff, even for you.

Shirley...

Right. I'm not gonna make
a pregnant woman storm off?

Look at them run.

They must die like
the maggots that they are.

Whoa, Lukka, I didn't know
we got extra points

- for killing villagers.
- He's amazing.

And I thought I knew everything
about this game.

Britta.

Hi, Lukka.

- No!
- Unbelievable.

Guys, calm down.
I'm just here

for my "trekkies do it
in the final frontier" hat.

That's my hat.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Are you sure?
- Yep.

Hey, Lukka, you are
really good at this game,

and there must be a reason that
you are so good at this game.

Britta, though your flirtation
technique is hilarious,

it's distracting.

Lukka is kicking
serious ass right now.

He just set fire
to a farmers market.

Bang, bang, you're dead!

Save your tears
for your dog mother in hell!

Okay, fine.

Wait a minute.

You have DVD blu-ray disc

Kick Puncher 3 : "The Final Kickening."

You let me borrow, no?

Ah, no can do, Lukka.
Sorry.

Thanks to guys like Pierce

who kept writing "this side up"
on all my disks,

I have a strict
no-lending policy on my DVDs.

What would happen
if somebody broke that rule?

They'd be dead to me forever.

Maybe we watch Kick Puncher 3
"The Final Kickening"

together sometime.

Yes, Lukka, maybe we do.

May... be...

we... do.

Would you please leave?

I don't want to play anymore.

- I feel sick.
- She's strange.

Hey, Chang, can I talk
to you for a second?

Sorry, can't talk
till I see my face in this.

Well, can I give you
some advice...

Dad-to-dad?

Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on.

My pipe. Okay.

What's on your mind, neighbor?

I think it's great
that you're trying to get

your life together, right?

But for your sake
and for Shirley's,

I think you just need
to relax a little.

Oh, I see what's going on.

You're scared.

Feel me coming up
on your tail, huh?

No... no, no.

Man, listen, I've been a father
for 11 years,

and a good one for 9 of those.

Now, I'm there
when they're sick.

I pick 'em up from school,
help 'em with their homework.

See, Chang,
it's not how you act,

it's what you do.

I do.

You think that pool table
put aluminum siding on itself?

Ow.

Uh, yeah, see, that's not
what I'm talking about.

I'll go ahead
and consider that point missed.

I got your text.
What's going on?

Something terrible
has happened.

My Kick Puncher 3: "The Final Kickening" DVD

is missing.

Oh, that's awful.

Somebody took it?
Who would...

Wait.
"Kickmuncher 3"?

Wasn't that the movie
that Lukka was...?

You don't think...?

Unless...

You don't suppose...?
However...

No.

That would mean that you guys

would have to stop
hanging out... no!

We have video of you
taking the DVD, Britta.

What?

You have a security camera
in your room?

It's for an extremely
thorough documentary

I'm making on my life.

It's mostly footage
of me watching dailies,

but every once in a while
it comes in handy.

I don't understand
why you would do this

and then
try to pin it on Lukka.

Now you're just ruining
cool guys for fun.

It's just cruelty, Britta.

You're inhuman.
You're an inhuman person.

You're a monster.

Lukka's a monster for realsies.

I did this so you guys
would stop hanging out with him.

He's a war criminal!

You're embarrassing
yourself, Britta.

In what war is he a criminal...

The battle for our affections?

Uh, how about the genocide
in the Balkans?

Hmm, yeah, you would say that.

You just got caught
red-handed borrowing a DVD

without permission.

You guys have to believe me.

He's so much worse
than tall Kyle!

Hey, Jefe.

- Hola.
- Hola

What are you doing?
Who are these tiny people?

I picked up Shirley's kids
from school,

and I'm helping them
with their Spanish homework.

- Hey, kids.
- Ooh!

Ow.
Watch the cardigan.

What? Why?

To prove I'm a responsible dad.

This proves you're a kidnapper.

- What the hell's wrong with you?
- I am nuts, Jeff!

Get with the program!

Oh, my God.
What have I done?

I can't believe I actually said
you could be a father.

- I can be.
- Oh, no, you can't.

You can't be anything,
and you never will.

I pretended
to have faith in you

to get you off my couch
and out of my apartment.

Now, call Shirley
and beg forgiveness.

Kids, why don't you get
your stuff together?

I'll take you home.

Who's Shirley?

Shirley's your mom, dumbass.

Our mom's name is Loquanda.

Hey, hey, that's racist.

Wait. Is your mom's name
really Loquanda?

Yeah. You said you were
a friend of hers.

Why didn't you know that,
dumbass?

I do! I...

Just playing
a educational game with you!

- Right.
- Don't give me that lip.

Hey, kids, you mind waiting
in the hallway?

- Yeah, no problem.
- Go ahead.

I want you to understand
something while I'm gone.

You are a horrible human being,

and I will never feel sorry
for you again.

I don't care
what happens to you,

and when I get back,
I want you gone.

Oh, believe me,

I will definitely be far,
far away from here.

Hi, policeman,
how much do you pay

for anonymous tips
about kidnappings?

Ok, fine. This one's on me

You're free to go.

Here's your wallet, keys,
and pasties.

They're nipple guards
for running.

Olympic athletes use them.

Buddy, I worked
at a maximum-security prison

for seven years,

and those are still
the gayest thing I've ever seen.

Well, I find that
hard to believe.

Jeffrey, I spoke
to the boys' mother.

She's not gonna press charges.
Are you okay?

Oh, I'm fine.

I spent the night
learning arts and crafts

from my cell mate, Chabo.

Did you know
you can make an ashtray

using only a cigarette
and a snitch's forehead?

Yeah.

Look, uh, Shirley, I'm...

I'm sorry I tried to capitalize

on your situation with Chang.

Apology accepted.

Punishment is time served.

There's no cell on earth
that can hold Chang!

I know this place's secrets.

Winger!
Thank God you're all right!

I've been looking all...
Hey, Tracy. What's up, baby?

Why are they arresting Chang?

I thought you said Loquanda
wasn't pressing charges.

Mm-hmm, not against Jeff,

but I talked her
into going after Chang

for child endangerment.

Shirley, he could get
three to five years for that.

Are you sure
that's what you want?

Because if we put
our heads together,

we could be rid of him
for 20 to life.

- Really?
- Oh, absolutely.

All I'd have to do is testify

that he tried
to sell those kids to me

and throw in the fact that
he was teaching them Spanish,

and any d.A. Worth his salt

can make a case
for human trafficking.

I like how you thinking.

What is wrong with you two?

Why are you doing this
to Chang?

Andre, I'm doing this for us.

We have a second chance
for our family,

and I just want
everything to be perfect.

Baby, that's what you wanted
the first time around.

You did everything in your power
to make everything perfect,

and look what happened.

Are you trying
to tell me you cheated

because I wanted what was best
for our family?

No, I cheated
because I was a coward.

But you took me back,
because while I was gone,

somehow you learned to accept
the bad with the good.

Oh, that's
the Greendale effect.

Our school motto
is "lower your standards."

Look, look,
I know you are ashamed

about what happened with Chang.

Hell, I am too, all right?

But locking that little man up

is not gonna make our lives
any less crazy.

It'll only make prison crazier.

I guess you're right.

It's impossible to keep
the chaos from your lives.

I mean, we learned that
in that movie

we saw
with all those dinosaurs.

- Jurassic Park?
- No, it's complicated.

Okay, okay, time-out.

Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to you, you,
officer baby.

Let's go buddy, come on!

- No! No! No!
- Come on, you're coming with me

Britta?

What? You guys want me
to ruin something for you?

Come on, you're being dramatic.

We asked Lukka a few questions
after what you said.

He told us
about his time in the army

and...

The things he did.

I'm never gonna get some
of those images out of my head.

If I ever go to the Balkans,

I'm bringing some serious
cheat codes and walk-throughs.

Why didn't you tell us sooner?

Because I didn't want
to be the one

to ruin another guy
for you guys.

Britta, there's a difference
between telling us

a guy likes nipple play

and telling us a guy
makes hats out of babies.

I guess the reason
this happened

is because we've been riding you
kind of hard lately.

How about from now on,
we promise to go easier on you,

if you promise not to tell us

any details
about the guys you're dating,

unless they've committed genocide.

Or if they're left-handed.

I want to know about that.
I'm making a chart.

Deal.

I guess I ruined game night.

I tend to ruin stuff.

- Come on.
- You do not.

You want to watch
catfish with us?

Was that the movie where the
guy flirts with the girl online,

but then it turns out
that it's a fat, old woman?

Oh. Sorry.

It's cool.

Maybe it's about catfish.

Well, this was fun.