Community (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 15 - Early 21st Century Romanticism - full transcript

Troy and Abed compete for the attentions of the college librarian, while Britta strives to be progressive and befriends a fellow female student whom she believes is gay. Meanwhile, Jeff finds himself reluctantly hosting an impromptu party at his apartment when Professor Duncan invites himself over to watch a soccer match.

Why does being a librarian
make her even hotter?

They're keepers of knowledge.

She holds the answers
to all of our questions,

like, "will you marry me,"

and "why are there still libraries."

I wanna be a book. She can pick me up.

Flip through my pages.

Make sure nobody drew wieners in me.

Hey, maybe if we're too loud,
she'll shush us.


Pretend like you're asleep.


What do you do when
you and your best friend

wanna ask the same girl
to the Valentine's dance,

but neither of you have dibs

because you both fell in love
with her at first sight?

Well, I don't believe in dibs,
or love at first sight,

or love, or best friends, or doing things.

But it's good you brought this to me.

You're gonna have to open
your heart one day, Jeff.

What happens if I don't?

I miss the heart opening deadline?

Valentine's Crapentine's.

Opening my heart is on my list.


- Mm-hmm.
- What was that?

- Gum.
- Why aren't you chewing?

Because I'm using my mouth
for this dumb conversation.


That's my friend page.
She's cool, but...Whatever.

- She's cute.
- Oh, Troy.

Before you go barking up that tree,

I have to tell you that
she might not be interested.

Why wouldn't she be...

Oh! Is she...

A friend of Ellen?

Yes, Annie. But you can say the word.

Page is a...Lesbian.

Pierce, as someone who's been
calling me a lesbian

for the last year and a half,

I'm sure that you don't have
anything to say

about me being friends with one.

Nothing off the cuff.

What I do have is a prepared statement.

Community 2x15 - Early 21st Century Romanticism

And in summation,

good luck...

and bon appetit.

Many, many paragraphs of that

were oddly supportive.

Wait till you hear the one
I have for you.

Okay. I know that wasn't gum.

You're right.
It was an awesome exit pill.

Zip! Zop! Zooey!


We gotta do something about Pierce
and those pain killers.

He's recovering

dude can moonwalk!

Now, I'm sure he's almost
through his prescription.

Besides, he's a baby boom.

They invented drugs.

Yeah, they also invented TV.

Have you seen him control one of those?

Intervention. Intervention, intervention.

- Count me out.
- We can't count you out.

He listens to you.

Well, he also listens
to the Barenaked Ladies.

Go get their dumb asses to help you.

- Back it up!
- Okay, Jeff.

You are clearly in a bad space today.

But Pierce is our friend,

and the Barenaked Ladies
are triple platinum... Are you?

Why does everyone leap
to defend that band

so aggressively?

And how much stuff do we have
to go through this year

before my friendship
stops being questioned?

Well, maybe friendship

is about going through
a lot of stuff, Jeff.

And maybe BNL has
two Billboard awards to your zero.

Oh, okay. They're... they're BNL now.

We use shorthand for the Barenaked Ladies.

That's how fundamental they are.

- Yeah.
- Yeah!

You know what Pierce probably
needs more than anything?

Some space. Maybe I do too.

You know what?
Maybe we all need some space

to pull the knife out of the back

of the most celebrated Canadian
alt rock band

of the mid-nineties,
you selfish, jaded ass! a fight!

We...are fighting!

Jeff. Hello!

I hear you're fighting
with your study group.

- Correct.
- Now, you won't know this,

being American, but tonight
Liverpool are playing...

- Manchester United.
- Manchester United.

I am a stylish American, professor.

I've been forcing myself
to be into soccer since 2004.

Ah! Then it's destiny.

God gave you a British friend
and a massive TV for a reason.

Oh, it's Valentine's Day,
and even though we're fighting,

I did promise the study group
I'd go to the dance...

You promised the study group?
Whip, crack!

I'll see you at precisely 6:30,

or as the English call it,
gravedigger's biscuits.


That moonwalk back there
was streets ahead, buddy.

Hey, thanks, buddy.

- Hey, Pierce!
- Hey, it's you!

Yeah. The tiny man you see
when you take enough pills.

We have a good time, don't we, Pierce?

- I ain't hurtin'.
- And you wanna keep this going,

right, 'cause... I'm sure you've noticed

the prescription is almost done.

Ah. Ha. I don't think the doctor...

Doctor, you know, I know he won't...

Pierce, if doctors are so smart,

why are there millions of 'em?

Look in your hand.

It's Valentine's, buddy.

Be mine.

Mariah, my name is Abed Nadir.

- My associate Troy Barnes.
- Charmed, I'm sure.

Are you the guys that keep staring at me

and intermittently yelling out, "books"?

The very same.
We are both interested

in taking you to the Valentine's dance,

but we are also best friends
with each other.

It is of utmost importance
we protect that friendship

from the stresses of courting you,

so we're trying to be as direct

and aboveboard about this as possible.

Will you go to the dance with one of us,

and if so, which one?

We need to get something straight first.

This is the cutest thing
that's ever happened to me.

But...I don't know either one of you.

Give us a moment.

Dude, I need to eat those tacos.

New proposal: Get to know us at the dance

and decide there which
of us you'd like to see again.

Okay. Deal.


What's in the briefcase?

Oh. Tacos.

You want one?


Great. We really wanted them.

Yeah. We're gonna eat them.

So like...Would you change
clothes in front of her?

Annie, I know your lack
of world experience

creates curiosity, but questions like that

can make you seem a little bit homophobic.

It's homophobic to ask questions?

If you have to ask
if it's homophobic to ask questions,

haven't you already answered
your own question?

Have I?

Don't know. Not a homophobe.

Oh. There's Page.

Should I ask her 500 questions
about being a lesbian?

Or should I just treat her
like a normal person?

That's a question you can ask.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- I'm not a lesbian.
- Oh!

- I'm not either.
- Oh.

But it's cool that you're friends
with one.


Page isn't a lesbian.

She just likes hanging out with Britta,

because it makes her feel cool
to have a lesbian friend.

But...Britta's not a lesbian.
She thinks that Page is.

Guess what, Annie.

Page and I are going
to the dance together.

Hope I stay straight, right?

Oh, sorry. My friend's a tad homophobic,

so I was doing a bit.

Pretty exciting first half.

Yeah, 0-0. Electrifying.

Aw. Worried that your six-headed
ball and chain

will be calling?


That's better, you big slut.

It's Chang!

Chang? Why?

I don't know!

I can hear you guys.

What are you doing here, Chang,

and how do you know where I live?

I can answer both of those questions

by returning your driver's license.


There it is!

Man U. versus Liverpool!

For God's sake, just let him in.

He's wearing the right colors
and everything.

- Come in.
- Don't mind if I Chang!

Heh heh. Hey, man, check this out.


Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

Anyway, the thing I was going
to show you guys

is pretty cool.

I'm ignoring you and watching soccer.

Just sit down, Chang.

There's space for three fannies
on this sofa.

Hey. In England,
fanny means vagina, right?

In England, everything means vagina.

I'm gonna make it up to you, Winger.

Even though, like I said,
weird place to put a lamp.

- But let me order a pizza.
- Ooh, I love pizza!

In england we call them Italian fannies.

I'm hookin' us up!

- Cellie...
- Ah. Go use the landline.

Landline? Okay, grandma Bell.

Star-burns, it's Chang.

Remember that pizza you owe me?

Well, it's time to pay up.

Party at Winger's. Tonight.

Yeah, you can tell people.

Cool. Cool.

Hey, uh, wingding at Winger's.

So Mariah, what you get with me

is the complete package...

HBO, Showtime, Starz, Starz black.

Sounds expensive.

With all due respect to my friend here,

if you go with me,

you can expect this on the dance floor.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Go, go, go, go, go!

I feel like everyone's staring.

Not that I care.

Well, of course they're staring.

They've probably never seen

a straight girl and a lesbian
so comfortable together.


Those two were talking about us.

Well, let's give them something
to really talk about.

- Let's do it.
- Okay.

- 'Scuse us.
- Hi.

Hi. Sorry.

Cool music, huh?

Oh, nice call, ref!

Bite my banger!

Jeff, something's up
with your toothbrush, man.

- What the hell?
- I had to get cleaned up.


Oh, yeah!

Pizza time!

- Leonard?
- Where are the white women at?

No. There are no white
women here, Leonard.

This is not a party!

Don't tell that to Magnitude.

Who's Magnitude?

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!

Pop, pop!

Pop, pop!



Come on in. What's up, what's up?

What's up? Looking good, looking good.

That's my analysis of
the Saw movie franchise.

That about does it,

so I think it's time for you to choose.

Abed, could you get us some punch?

On it.

You guys are really cute together.

Thank you.

But you know, having to...

Actually choose, I...

Hey. We both agreed to this.

We're both very comfortable
with each other,

- so I won't be...
- No. I choose you, Troy.


- Hey, Abed.
- Hey.

I, um...

She...Just... She chose me.

Cool. You can have this then.

Thank you, Mariah. Have a great night.

That's great!


You go straight to hell!



Oh, I'm sorry, Annie.

I...I've been... I don't know.

I've been going through
all these mood swings lately.

You understand we care about you, right?



Well, look.

Here's the deal.

I am not sharing you with them.

So before this goes further,

you have a choice to make, my friend.

Ha ha! Look at the lesbians.


- Screw you!
- Screw you!

No, no.

- I don't care what they say.
- Oh, I don't either.

I just wish it wasn't
such an issue for them.

Yeah, but that starts with us.

It starts...With us.

- I've never done this before.
- Me neither.

Wait! What?


Curious about one thing.

What was wrong with Abed?

Well, I mean, he did talk
about the Saw movies

for two hours.

Yeah, but there are eight of them,

and they're two hours apiece,

and the first one did redefine
the genre, and...

Troy, I would love to be his friend.

I know you would. It's incredible.

But romantically, he's...

You know.

I hate her, I hate her, I hate her,
I hate her!

- What happened?
- She called you weird!

- I am weird.
- Not as weird as her!

Who the hell is Nicholas Nickleby?

She wouldn't shut up about it.

Mm. I know.

There's someone out there for us.

Happy Valentine's Day.

It is now.

- Ignore her.
- Okay.

It's weird, but I've never heard
of Magnitude

before tonight.

He's a one-man party!

You're always busy with your study group.

Well, he's not with them tonight.

Oh, yeah!

I thought you quit drinking, Duncan.

False alarm on that one.

Oh, yeah!

Pop, pop!

Ha ho! Pop, pop!

- Pop pop pop pop pop pop!
- Pop pop pop pop pop pop!

I never said I was a lesbian.

Why didn't you just ask me?

Oh, what am I, a homophobe?

I don't care about people's preferences.

You so care.

You are clearly just hanging out with me

because you thought I was gay.

So? What were you doing with me?

Hey, what does it matter, you know?

We're both just humans

trying to make our way through
this crazy world.

You're the worst!

- What?
- And for the record,

I never thought you were cool.

I only thought you were a lesbian.

Page is straight.



When she was gay

I thought it was really cool of you
to make out with her.

Thanks, Annie.



Oh, thanks, man. Just leave those.

- I'll get them in the morning.
- It's okay.

Are you wearing my underwear?

Oh. I just needed a pair while
I did some laundry here.

I don't have a washing machine.

What the hell?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't get mad,
don't get mad!

I'm homeless, Jeff, okay?

When my wife found out
about Shirley and me,

she kicked me out...
For good this time!

My whole life is in this dishwasher, man!

Well, some of it's also soaking
in your bathtub.


So wasted and sleepy.

I could probably just crash here
and, you know,

I can start looking for a place
in the morning.

What... You orchestrated
this entire party

just so you could weasel
your way into staying here!

You weren't even going to notice.

Hey, Jeff, don't kill the messenger,

but you have four hermit crabs
in your bathroom sink.

You'll fall in love with them.
I named one Jeff.

How long did you actually think
you were gonna stay here?

Just a month. Three...Tops.

I mean... how long is your lease?

Way to go, idiots!

All right, everybody out.

I'm not kidding.

It's been very interesting

getting to know you all much, much better.

Star-burns, Leonard, Magnitude.

Pop, pop

swizzle, scandalous, C Dubb, Tim.

Mighty D. Glisten.

Good night, everyone. Faster. Move it.

Thank you.


I hope you found tonight therapeutic,

because I would love to pretend
that that was my plan.

Well, I actually started to have fun

until that maniac tried to move in.

What is it about me that makes
broken people flock to me?

Is it my height?

Do huddled masses mistake me
for the Statue of Liberty?

I don't know.

But being as how you're halfway through

your second year at Greendale,
you may want to

either stop resisting

or admit that you're actually
starting to enjoy it.

Well, you assume I enjoy it

because you think you'd enjoy it.

That's true. I am very lonely.

You want a, uh, nice little taste

of what you're missing in a relationship

with six nutcases?

- Yeah!
- Let's turn on my phone

and listen to the 39 messages

they left tonight.

You have no new messages.

Huh. That's...


Since you've got it turned on,

why don't you call me a cab
and then pay for it?

Must have been some kind of trouble.


What a relief that would be.

Tell you what, if you need me,

I'm gonna be waiting for my cab down here.

Having a special nap.


Thanks, bro. I'll be gone in the morning.

Yeah. Whatever.

Okay. Maybe I stay a while.

- Thirsty.
- Don't push it.

All right...

It might not shock you guys
to hear the real reason

we had a fight today...

It wasn't about the Barenaked Ladies.

Although I do have some
unresolved issues there.

Caring about a person can be scary.

Caring about six people can be
a horrifying embarrassing nightmare.

At least for me.

But if I can't say it today,

when can I say it?

I love you, guys.

Oh, and, Pierce...

Take it from an expert...

These knuckleheads
are right outside your heart.

Let them in.

Before it's too late.

Happy Valentine's Day.

- Be mine?
- Right! Yes!

- Love you.
- Amazing!

You're cute?

No, wait.

- Kiss me.
- There has got to be a way

to make money off of this!

I've been cheating.

No. It says email me.