Community (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 22 - The Art of Discourse - full transcript

Hey, Britta, what
are you gonna knitta?

Good mood, bad rhyme and is
that a carb on your plate?

I got a B on my nutrition final

and I am celebrating with pie
and a dollop of whipped irony.

Nice. I'm knitting something
for my new cat.

It's been two weeks since I lost Suzie B,
so I figured it was time to move on.

Not being an animal lover, I assume it'll
nice to start over with a fresh kitten.

Fresh kitten?

I go to a shelter and rescue an animal
that genuinely needs my help, okay?

Why do you think I am knitting
a tiny, little eye patch?

Excuse me, hi.



We're in high school but we're taking
classes for college credit.

Well, all right.
Way to be go-getters.

Thanks.
So we were just wondering,

can you tell us exactly what you
did in your lives to end up here

so that we don't make
the same mistakes?

Yeah, because if I end up 35

and celebrating a B in nutrition
in community college,

I'll kill myself.

Watch it.
Yeah, watch it.

Or what, schmitty?

Schmitty.

You gonna knit me something sad in your
house full of cats with no furniture?

Listen, it is a studio apartment
and knitting is hip.

Winona Ryder knits.



Who?

Schmitty.
Schmitty.

Schmits.
Schmitty.

I have done things
with my life, awesome things.

I've been to 14 countries.

I helped build a school in Kenya.

I once met Sting
at a Cracker Barrel.

Why are you letting
a bunch of teenagers get to you?

I don't even remember what they said.
It just rolled...

Would you stop tuning that guitar?
You are 105 years old!

Tell me what you did with your life
to end up here

so I don't make
the same mistakes!

Excuse me!

But it's springtime
and I thought I might woo a few chicks.

♪ No one to watch
While we're kissing ♪

♪ No one to see while we spoon ♪

♪ Let's take a trip in my airship ♪

♪ And we'll visit the man
In the moon ♪♪

Hey, hey, hey.

What the hell?

Hey, what?

What the hell?

Sorry.

Animal House.

A reference my ears applaud.
I couldn't resist.

Smashing the guitar
of someone singing a love song

was on my quintessential
college experience list.

Your what?
It's a list

of everything movies have taught me comprises
a successful first year at college.

"Bond with a group of lovable misfits."
Check.

"Take on the school bully."
Check.

"Make out with the hottest girl."
Check-a-rooni.

You?
No.

Unfortunately, the school year is almost
over and there's stuff left on the list.

I'll help you finish it.
I'll be like your Morgan Freeman.

Like in The Bucket List.
The what?

Stand up for a second.

Come over here. Stand there.

Okay, turn around.
Okay.

What the hell?
Pantsing someone was on my list.

It would've been better if you were wearing
the giant hearts underwear, but I'll take it.

Oh, yeah? Well, I hope
getting pantsed is on your list.

It is.

What's so funny?

This.

Ooh!

Get it?

Finally.
No, Pierce.

Shirley is way too angry
to talk to you right now.

Yeah, you'll have
to apologize later.

Apologize for what?
She should apologize to me.

She ruined my joke.

Oh, my God.

There's a grandpa schlip-schlap.

Have you seen my schmitty, sonny?

Help me,
I'm gonna crap my pants.

Someone help me.

Seriously, nutrition, this is your life?

Actually, I was a lawyer.

Looks like that went well.

And now you hang out
with schlip-schlap and schlap-skank...

Oh, my God,
is she wearing a Discman?

How could you do this to me?
What?

Discmans are retro.

Oh, is retro when you're 30 and broke
and can't afford an iPod, schmitty?

I think "schmitty" means loser.

We know.
We know.

You may come back in now.
I have something to say.

This better be a good apology.

This has been a long time coming.
We have joked and rolled eyes at him.

But there has been
a transgression today.

And I will no longer continue to be
a part of the group with this man.

Just skip to the "I'm sorry."

You are pathological
and you will never change.

Ha! That is the pot calling the kettle
a kettle, okay?

Oh, you can say black, Pierce.
I'm a black woman.

The cat is out the bag.

You have literally identified me
to strangers as "the black woman."

Out of context.
Context is everything.

I call the other women "flat-butt"
and "the one Abed wants to nail."

Is that you?
Not me.

So, what's the context for constantly
referring to me as a lesbian?

If the wallet chain fits...
I'm just trying to help you find yourself.

At least he doesn't think
Shirley's my mom anymore.

He thinks we're cousins.

You're not?

He still assumes I'm a terrorist.

If you're not, I'm sorry.
If you are, I'm a hero.

I'm willing to take that chance.

You said I have a crafty Jew brain.

Nobody knows how to take
a compliment anymore.

Look, either he leaves the group
or I do.

You just dug your own grave.

Hey, what's up?

They kicked me out of the group.
Whoa.

Wanna buy some cookies?
Ten bucks a box.

Crap, damn it.

Have you seen a Chinese kid?

Twerps.

Oh, hey, Pierce. How is it going?

Unrepentant child.
Such a child.

Oh, here comes
stinky turd face.

Remember,
we don't stop till he's crying.

Oh, check out Franken-mom.
Oh, we can use that.

And no wedding ring.
He's a child of divorce.

We can make fun of him
for coming from a broken home.

I don't care if this gets dirty.
He asked for it.

You're right.

Get ready to meet
Jeff Winger, esquire,

attorney at "Ah, snap."

It will be better than that.

Hey, Clearasil, what time
is your mommy picking you up?

After she's done shooting The Real
Housewives of Greendale County?

"After she's done shooting The Real
Housewives of Greendale County. " Duh!

That's a clever retort.

"That's a clever retort." Duh!

Brilliant.
"Brilliant." Duh!

Your parents are divorced.

"Your parents are divorced." Duh!

Pfft!
Duh!

Schmitty.

Forget it, come on.

Come on, forget this. Duh!

Where you going, schmitty?
I'm sorry, little schmitty.

Mimicry is the lowest form...
Stop talking.

"Mimicry is the lowest form of..."
Stop talking.

Hi.
Hey, you two.

What is that?

It's Billy,
City College's mascot.

Stealing a mascot was part of the list.
Check.

Bringing a goat to our study group,
that's a great idea, Troy.

Thanks, must have been hard
for you to say that.

It's called sarcasm, Troy.
Ask the goat to explain it to you.

Why do I feel like I'm being dissed?
Because you are being dissed.

Why are you two dissing Troy?
They no longer have Pierce.

What?

Pierce's universally recognized social flaws
made him the scapegoat, a lightning rod.

Now he's gone, so there's
lightning everywhere.

Sounds dangerous.
My uncle was struck by lightning.

You'd think it'd give superpowers, but
now he just masturbates in theaters.

It's very dangerous.

We've lost our Cliff Clavin,
our George Costanza,

our Turtle or Johnny Drama
or Eve.

Man, that show is sloppy.

What's gonna happen?

It's only a matter of time before
one of us becomes the new Pierce.

Well, I sure as hell am not
gonna be the new Pierce.

And if all we
need is an escape-goat,

I think
we should just let this one go.

Sometimes,
you've got to be pretending, Troy.

Maybe the new Pierce is Britta.
Yeah, right.

How do you
pronounce bagel again?

Bagel.
She calls bagels, bagels.

We do make fun of a lot
of what you do and say.

Yeah, right to my face,
because I can take it,

unlike a certain someone else.

Ah. Ah.

Let's not make fun of Annie.
No, no.

I don't want pity. Come to think of it,
after Pierce, you're the most bigoted.

What?
You found out I was Jewish,

you invited me to a "pool" party.
Turned out to be a baptism.

Excuse me for trying
to sneak you into heaven.

What about Abed? Abed's weird.

No, that's not it.
He's all right, we like Abed.

Guys, have you considered
the new Pierce concept is stupid?

Spoken like the new Pierce.
You're right.

I am not the new Pierce.
You are too.

You said "the World Wide Web."

Damn the old Pierce.
He makes me mad.

Don't double Pierce me.
You're the triple Pierce.

That's so unfair.
Guys, guys.

I can't believe
I'm gonna utter these words,

but we need Pierce
in this group.

But we can't ask Shirley to let him
back in, that would be so insensitive.

Well, maybe he'll admit
he's wrong.

Two, three, four, uh, not.

We need Pierce.

Just stick to the
script and make it sincere.

It's not gonna be sincere,
I'm pretending to apologize.

Okay, but you're not getting back into the
group unless she thinks you're sincere.

Stubborn fool.
Can we, um, hurry this up?

Troy and I are pledging
the cool fraternity.

Unbeknownst to us, we're the target of ridicule
and don't have a chance of getting in.

Yeah. They're making us walk
around with pretzels in our butts.

I put mustard on mine like an idiot.

Okay, Pierce, you can do this.

What's he...?

Yup.

Shirley, I know you don't
wanna hear what I have to say,

but I owe you this.

From the moment we first
met, I knew you...

Seriously.

Oh. Oh, Shirley. Ha, ha.
I could have...

You are unbelievable.

I'm not wearing contacts.
These are mine, give them.

But I'm a bag guy.
You have the same bag.

So I thought, you know...
Right, nothing is ever your fault.

Screw you.
I don't owe you an apology.

They wrote this.

Pretend like you asleep,
pretend like you asleep.

Thank you, now I fully understand
where I have always stood.

I'm entitled to my pride until it gets
in the way of what you guys want.

Got nothing to say?

Well, I do. I'm out of the group.

What? Shirley.

Shirley, please.
Oh, Shirley, don't go, please.

Uh-oh. Sassy black schmitty's
out of the group.

Oh, no, not the group.

Poor, sad, little schmitties.

Can't all of us little schmitties
get along?

Would you please hurry up?
I am late for my bikini wax.

Hurry, please.
Who was that?

A punk-ass
who needs to be destroyed.

And I just figured out how.

Can we focus on what's important here?
Shirley thinks we don't care about her.

No, no, you're right. You're right.
That's totally more important.

I just thought of one thing.
You need to bang that kid's mom.

Um, after we fix everything
with Shirley.

Whoa! Yes, yes, yes, we'll deal
with Shirley. But that's brilliant!

I know because then anything
he says about you...

He'll be saying to a dude
that banged his mom.

Oh, my God, you guys.

Sorry, Shirley.
Shirley.

Okay.
Yes!

All right, bye, everybody.
Have a great day.

Be right here at 3:00, please.
I'll be in a hurry.

Excuse me.

Sorry to bother you.

You don't happen to have an extra
bottle of sports drink, do you?

Actually, I do, here you go.

Oh, thanks, got to hydrate, right?

But obviously you know.
You work out.

Well, I try to keep things
where they should be.

I think I might be
where should I be.

I don't know about your robot, Abed.

Boobatron's great.

Once someone spills bong water
on his circuitry and he comes alive,

he's gonna make us the coolest
guys on campus, help us get babes.

Those are real babes
who will really laugh at us.

Hey, you're my friend, right?

Friends are supposed to help
each other no matter what.

Okay.

Ridiculous situation descending
into heavy-handed drama

for the illusion of story, check.

What? That was awesome.

All right, I am back in.
Cool.

All right.

Just so you know, I'm Shirley.

Wouldn't want you reaching for me should
you get a hankering for pancakes.

I'm old and I do not see well.
And you already won, so shut it.

I won? Oh, no,
they want you in the group.

I quit. So you go ahead,
hang with them.

No, thanks, I'm sick of the way
that group treats me.

Preaching to the choir.

Tell you what I'm not gonna miss.
Abed and Troy's silly games.

Grow up already. Ha.
By the way, thanks for including me.

Please. You think Annie and Britta invite me
when they take those weekend trips to the mall?

They just think of me
as some sort of mom.

They need to learn manners.
Annie needs to stop dating Vaughn.

He's cute, but he's not the boy
I envisioned her ending up with.

No matter how hard you try, you can
never be as cool or funny as they are.

It's called respect
and no one ever gave me diddly.

Except me.

I respect you more
than anyone else in the group.

Which is why you pantsed me?

Well, but you see,
that wasn't wrong.

Oh, for heaven's sake, you are such
an arrogant, self-righteous ass.

And you are a strong, dignified woman
who's raising a family.

A bigger accomplishment
than anybody else in that room.

And nobody can ever strip you of that,
not even me.

You really believe that?
Yes.

And that's why you think
pantsing me wasn't wrong?

It wasn't.

What are you doing?!

Did I misread that?

Oh, here, let me just do that.

You sure
you don't want some vodka?

Oh, I'm good, I'm good.

I'm at school at 2:00 p.m.

Did someone just take a schmitty?

Hey, looks like you'll be calling
somebody daddy soon.

Or at least your mom will be tonight.

Dude, you are so pathetic.
Mark!

Mom, I've been pwning this loser.

He thinks he can get back at me
through you.

What? Pwning?
Pwning.

He doesn't even know
what that means?

Heh, heh.
I see what's going on here.

Look, I don't want to come
between a son

and his beautiful, vivacious mom.

Oh, my God, you are pathetic.

Yeah, so is the whore in on it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I gotta tell you, Chantel, you have
raised a terrible human being.

We're better than this.
No, you're not.

I raised a winner who will continue to
crush junior college losers like you.

Oh, schmitty.
Schmitty!

I'm sorry, it's a matter of pride.

What are you looking at?
"What are you looking at?" Duh!

"What are you looking at?" Duh.

Duh!
Ha, ha.

School his ass, Mark.

"School his ass, Mark." Duh.

Ah, leh, leh, leh.

Duh.
Duh, duh, duh!

Duh. Duh, duh, duh.

Why are Jeff and Britta making fun
of those handicapped kids?

They don't even realize
how much they need us.

Why are they doing this?

I don't know if you've noticed, but Jeff and Britta
have the two most fragile egos of the group.

Losing to these kids
will pretty much destroy them.

Hey! Whoa!

What are you, a priest?

What are you doing?
What the hell?

Hey, you didn't say, "Duh."
We win.

No.
You're the schmitties!

No, no, we're minors.
Yeah.

I'm calling the cops.

No, you're not.

You have already embarrassed me
by getting pwned.

Don't be such a girl, now go.

Yeah, see that.
Yes, suck it!

Schmitty face!

We showed you, high schoolers!
Suck it!

Congratulations
on your victory.

Thank you, Annie.
Yeah, thank you.

And thanks, you guys.
Any time.

Look, Pierce and I are
considering rejoining the group.

And maybe we can all be
a little more mature.

I hear that.

Abed, I've had enough
of this list.

Doing this stuff isn't fun.
It feels forced.

Fine, I'll deactivate Boobatron.

Trust me, classic college experiences
never happen organically.

Food fight!
Food fight!

Oh, no.

Are you sure it's the name of my grade
school and my favorite soft drink?

Yup, pretty sure.
George Washington Lemon Fresco.

That's a horrible porn name.

I don't make the rules.
What's yours?

Henry David Thoreau Diet Squirt.
Oh, that's good.

Hello, Henry David Thoreau
Diet Squirt.

How many pornos have you been in?
Six thousand and 12.

How many pornos have you been in?
Two thousand and 19.

It's my first week.
Impressive.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Someone here order a pizza?

Is it you guys?

It has extra sausage.

No.

It's big and hot.
That's my pizza.

But you took longer than 30 minutes
so I'm not paying.