Community (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 21 - Contemporary American Poultry - full transcript

I think I'm failing
Psychopharmacology.

Why are you taking that?

I thought it was a class
about crazy farm animals, okay?

Let's finish the unit.
I don't wanna be late for lunch.

Amar is to love, right?

Oh, speaking of love, Shirley, how's
it going with the sexy dreadlock guy?

Oh, I'm sure I don't have
a chance with him.

Abed and I talked to him
by the vending machine.

He asked about you.
He specifically asked about me?

When Annie brought you up, he
specifically asked, "Who is that?"

Abed.
Oh.



What?
That's what he said.

Abed, your social skills
aren't exactly streets ahead.

You know what I mean?
I don't.

You're not alone in this case.
Pierce.

Stop trying to coin the phrase,
"Streets ahead."

Trying? Ha, ha.

Coined and minted.

Been there, coined that.

"Streets ahead" is verbal wildfire.

Does it just mean cool, or is it
supposed to be like miles ahead?

If you have to ask,
you're streets behind.

Okay. We can banter
if we wanna banter.

But I'm leaving for lunch early.
Me too.

Me three.
Streets ahead.



Man, you guys really love these
stupid chicken fingers, huh?

They're not stupid, they're the
only good thing in the cafeteria.

I haven't had one in weeks.
They run out so fast.

If God were edible,
not that I'm Catholic,

but if it was cool to eat God,
he'd be a chicken finger.

Mm-hm.

Well, I wouldn't know.
I'm a vegetarian.

Oh, shocker.
Yeah.

And if you guys knew how they treated
the animals that you're eating,

you'd eat them even faster just
to put them out of their misery.

And then you would throw up.

I don't know, maybe I'm feeling
extra protective of animals today

because my cat is sick.

Oh, a cat?
That's awful.

He has diabetes.

He can't even make it
to the litter box.

Mm-hm.

Aw, go on.
God bless you.

Save some for me.
Watch out.

Oh. I can hear those
fingers calling my name.

Troy.
Troy, Troy.

Did you get my text message?
Did you get my text message?

I think it's...

Hi.

I gotta stop hanging out with her.
She sounds like a chicken finger.

Again?

Outrageous.
At least apologize.

How can you just stand there
like a mute idiot?

Ooh.
Well,

throat surgery
might humanize you.

But it doesn't make
this acceptable.

So cute.

And I don't even normally
like dreadlocks.

Hello.

His dreadlocks remind me
of the Predator.

Which is weird because

you're doing the actual hunting,
and you seem invisible to him.

Abed, you know what I do?

Before I talk, I ask myself:

"What am I about to say?

And how might it affect
each person listening?"

I'm really glad you said that,
Britta.

The idea that you
compulsively filter yourself

makes your lack of flavor
kind of a flavor.

Sorry, guys, they ran out again.
Something's gotta be done.

Oh, I love chicken fingers.

Hey.
Oh, you're the man.

What the hell, man?

That's half our problem
right there.

Star-Burns works the fryer
and skims fingers.

No way.

He gives them to people just so
they'll act like he isn't Star-Burns.

Well, I may not eat meat, but I
am not gonna eat that injustice.

Let's complain.
Yeah.

If we complain, he gets a warning
and learns to be sneakier.

I say we knock him out of the kitchen and replace
him with one of our own all in one move.

Then we're the ones
with the chicken.

It's like a mafia movie.

As far back as I can remember,

I always wanted to be in
a mafia movie.

Cool.
That's exactly what it's like, Abed.

And you get the most important job.
You're gonna be fry cook.

We may be watching
different mafia movies.

You worked in
your dad's restaurant, right?

Well, you'll apply for the job
after we get Star-Burns fired.

I don't know.
I don't know about the firing.

I think he really relies on that income.
Yeah, man.

Every day you flock here
like sheep

and wait in line for a broken
promise from a dirty system.

Back in those days, Jeff Winger was
the guy that made things happen.

He always knew what to say, and he
always knew when to slap the table.

You wanna be sheep,
keep flocking.

You wanna be wolves,
form a pack.

And that was it. It was that simple.

At that moment,
we stopped being a family

and started being a family
in italics.

Britta got cozy with Star-Burns.

Can I touch both of...? Oh.
Yeah.

He lowered his guard.

He was gone.

I mean, the way Jeff saw it,
by not respecting us,

Star-Burns had basically
brought it on himself.

And when his job opened up,

we did what we had to do to keep
the list of applicants to a minimum.

I had worked in my dad's falafel restaurant
, so I had a pretty impressive resume.

It's very impressive.

Especially your reference.
Just give them a call right now.

But we weren't taking any chances.
The fix was in.

Trump Tower, this is Donald.

Well, he can deep-fry the hell out
of chicken I can tell you that.

Troy even applied for the same job and
gave the world's worst interview.

Just to make me look better,
and that was that.

This was the glorious time. No more
racing to the cafeteria. No more lines.

To us, lines were for suckers,
hacks, sheep.

We were wolves.

And we had the chicken to prove it.

To victory.

It feels unfamiliar,
but it tastes like chicken.

Hi.
Hello.

You guys are lucky.
They're always running out.

Would you like one?

The name's Shirley, memorize it.
I will, Shirley.

See that, ladies?

The universe goes by supply
and demand.

The more you take and use,
the more it sends.

Somebody's been taking a little extra.
What's in that container?

Eight fingers.
Abed.

Abed's study group.

Why you giving Chang chicken?
We have an agreement.

If you get caught skimming,
you get fired.

We all go back to eating like Britta.
Yeah, we put you in that job.

I dressed like a crazy pharaoh
for you, man.

You make the fingers, Abed,
not the decisions.

I'm sorry.
It's okay, buddy.

But just remember,
these things have power.

So just let me know next time you
have any more agreements, all right?

Yeah, I agreed to give Chang
eight fingers per lunch

in exchange for a 10 percent bump
on every Spanish test for each of us.

Oh.

Okay, Abed makes the fingers
and the decisions.

Yeah, I'm gonna
pass Spanish class.

Oh, Abed, you're the best.

At Greendale, they were
always out of chicken fingers.

So whoever could get them
had power.

And I the guy was in the apron,
so I came up with a system.

And pretty soon half the chicken at
Greendale was going out the side door.

Everybody in our crew had a job.
T- Bone was the bag man.

He'd move the fingers to a storeroom
where two of the girls did the packaging.

We could trust them not to eat the
supply because Britta was a vegetarian.

And Shirley figured that if she stole,
she'd go to hell.

They'd hand the stuff out the window to Annie.
She was the leg man, the distributor.

The crazy thing was,
it was their food.

And we were stealing it and giving it
back to them like it was a big favor.

Nobody asked any questions, because
Pierce's experience as a CEO

had taught him how
to keep the wheels from squeaking.

I had it all worked out
on a schedule.

You know, I've never been fired.

The minute before
you thought about busting us,

that was the minute
you had chicken in your hand.

It's just insulting that
you're eating his chicken fingers

in front of me.

Everyone had their hand out.
Everyone wanted what we had.

Oh. Well, here you go.

And Jeff had
the most important job of all.

He was at the top.
He was the boss.

He was our leader.

What the hell is going on?

AV kids hooked it up.

Abed supplied the whole
department with chicken fingers.

You think that's good, check out
my posse and Troy's monkey.

Troy, why do you have a monkey?

It's an animal that
looks like a dude.

Why don't I have 10 of them?

Guys, look at what
Abed scored for me.

It has a million zippers,

and it was free.

Oh, robot.
I am a robot.

I am programmed
to love this backpack.

This is insane.

More insane than programming
them to replace auto workers?

What?

Okay, okay, if you're not
in this study group, please...

No, no.
That means you, sexy dreadlocks.

Britta's hairdresser.
What?

Pierce's hackneyed entourage.
Hackneyed?

You see the turban guy?

Yes, in a '90s ski movie
that featured an entourage.

Don't you guys think
this is getting out of hand?

We're not gonna get caught.

We have campus security
on the take.

Abed's got it all figured out.

Well, that's a relief.
Yeah.

It's pretty cool being friends
with the biggest man on campus.

Isn't that right, Annie's Boobs?

Please rename that thing.

And this time,
not with a contest on Twitter.

It's his Twitter account.
He can do what he wants.

They are my body parts.

Know what I don't appreciate?
I do not consent to this.

You'll be begging for his company.
I own that.

I wouldn't threaten a monkey.
They have more lactic acid than us.

Shared my chicken with him.
Talk to the backpack.

You're the worst, Annie.
Streets ahead.

Now, where's he going?

Line starts behind you.
Oh, he's cool.

Six fingers every Wednesday.

Cool. And what can you offer?
I have a bicycle.

And I teach beginner's tennis.
Cool, okay.

Six fingers Wednesdays,
all right.

We'll be in touch, Janel.

Thank you, Abed.
You're welcome.

Hey, Jeff.
Hey, buddy.

It's quite a setup you got here.
Yeah, I'm pretty excited about it.

It turns out everyone has needs
and everyone has functions.

Look, I've been thinking.

Maybe I need to hit the big red button
and bring an end to this operation.

I mean, it's been fun,
but it's out of control now.

Am I right?
I don't know.

The entire campus
is controlled by our group.

Our group is controlled by chicken,
and the chicken is controlled by me.

Float?
I'm good.

Abed, the mafia movie is over.
I'm not doing a mafia movie.

In fact, I don't need to use movies or
TV shows to talk to people anymore.

Before I only needed them because the
day-to-day world made no sense to me.

But now, everyone's speaking
the same language, chicken.

I understand people
and they finally understand me.

Abed, eventually people
are gonna get tired of chicken.

I'm tired of chicken.

You're not tired of chicken.
You miss the taste of control.

Well, that's crazy.

Is it?

Unfortunately, the very thing
that drove you to this dorm room

is what would prevent you
from properly running this machine.

Or even being a cog in it, your ego.

I see. I see, this has been
about me the whole time.

You want a shot
at the Jeff Winger throne?

You better bring a powerful ass.

Oh, and for your information,
I don't have an ego.

My Facebook photo
is a landscape.

You're the best, Eduardo.

Thank you all for coming.

Can we make this quick?
I need to give a banana to Annie's Boobs.

Abed is drunk with chicken power.

He's gone from lovable Johnny Five
to evil HAL.

Hal Holb...
Not Hal Holbrook.

What are you saying?
You all have to stop working for him.

Let this operation dry up
and let his wheels spin down.

At which point you would
be in charge again, right?

What?
This is so sad.

You're jealous of Abed
because he's providing for us.

No, I'm concerned about Abed
because he won't listen to reason.

Won't listen to your reason.

Why should he?
Jeff's so not...

Say, "Streets ahead," and die.

Streets ahead.

You wanna boss me around?

Get me an entourage.
Get Troy a monkey.

That's what a real boss does.
Yes.

We probably shouldn't even be talking
to him without checking with Abed.

I'm already trying him, he's not picking up.
What did you do with him?

I don't believe what greedy sellouts
you people turned out to be.

I'm not gonna stand and be ignored.
Shh. Voicemail.

Hey, Abed, Jeff says you're
not listening to him.

Does that mean we shouldn't
listen to him either?

Oh, also, should we make special
jackets for our crime family?

Like blazers with
chicken finger patches.

I don't know, long
message, I'm sorry.

That's it.

Oh!
Abed.

Look, I'm walking out
this door right now.

Okay.
Okay, bye.

For real.
Good.

I'm not gonna look back.
Mm-hm.

Goodbye.
Goodbye.

Abed.
Hi, hi, yeah.

Anybody need anything?
Oh, everything,

you look handsome.

I like everything about you now.
You get the message?

I want a new hairdresser though.

Hey. Oh.

How's my hair look?
Oh. I like this.

Yeah, I got you fired.

You deserved it.
Maybe, maybe not.

The question is,
what do they deserve?

Key to the kitchen.

There's a valve on the back of the
chicken fryer that's not made anymore.

Now, say someone were
to remove it.

The fryer wouldn't work.

Forever.
How petty do you think I am?

Jeff leaving the family
didn't turn out to be a problem.

Okay, I think
we're set for the quiz.

Yep.
See you guys in class.

Oh, wait, before you go.

Oh, free notebooks.

But the family's success
started to go to their heads.

They didn't have college ruled?
No, sorry.

It's okay.

Abed?
Yeah?

Can I talk to you for a minute?
Sure.

We have a situation.

Hey.
Who is this?

It's Travis.

You said you wanted someone in
your entourage named Travis.

Show him your license.

Travis is his middle name.

I go by Travis.
No, you go by the door.

See you, Travis.

Abed?
Yep?

No, no, no.

My monkey hates this caviar.

Troy, isn't that...?

They were spoiled, fat, lazy.

I'd given them everything
and somehow I'd lost their respect.

So I did the only thing
I could think of.

I did what I thought Jeff would do.

I sent them a message.

Somebody's backpack.

These were the bad times.

There he is.
Jeff, Jeff.

Jeff.
Jeff.

Jeff, Abed killed my backpack.

I caught him stuffing
my man full of chicken.

And Tyler Perry has a series
of movies about why that's wrong.

That little Arab is off his rocker.

He released Annie's Boobs.
Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Could be...

We got it.
The monkey's name is Annie's Boobs.

Look what Abed did to my hair.

I feel terrible for all of you.

Wait, no, I don't, because
I warned you about all this.

You were so high on your
backpacks and hairstyles,

you accused me of being jealous.

You were right.
But what can we do?

I'm sorry, you brushed over
that first part.

Together.

You were right.

Now, what you can do is go home and
write that on your bathroom mirror.

Wouldn't that make it seem
like I was right?

Yeah.
I don't have a mirror.

It's not reversed
because you're the...

You'd have the mirror behind you.
And I would like...

As for Abed, for his sake
I guess I'll have to take him out.

Poor little guy.
Oh, good, that's nice.

Abed.

What are you doing?
Making Tater Tots.

You were right, people got sick
of chicken, but I was close.

I just need a new food,
a new system.

I'm gonna experiment with jalapeño
poppers next, and then Zucchini Zircles.

I don't get it.
It's not that complicated, Jeff.

They replaced the C in circle
with a Z for zucchini.

No, no, I mean, why are you here?

You said you were close?

What were you close to?

To the group?

To people?
Don't do a special episode about me.

Oh. I wouldn't dream of it.

Everyone else needs my help.

That's what people don't get,
is that they need to get me.

I just need to be able to connect to people like
you can, and then I can make everyone happy.

Do you know why I'm here?
You got caught with a fake degree.

By the way, they started using
that on Law & Order.

Total rip off.

I'm here to dismantle the fryer.

To cut your power off at its source.

Don't you see what happened?

I manipulated the group
into getting you the fry cook job

so I could have some chicken.

And you turned it all into a way
to make everyone like you.

Made me ashamed of myself,
made me jealous.

Maybe this is a special episode.

It's pretty alarming behavior, Jeff.
Yeah.

There's specialists you could talk to.
Maybe I should do that.

In the meantime,
let's make a deal.

I'll help you connect with people, and
you help me do a better job with them.

Like Knight Rider.
Exactly.

Like Knight Rider.
Deal.

I'll put on a leather jacket and make
out with an aerobics instructor.

You pull around front and comedically startle
passers-by with your ability to talk.

Maybe we should just stay here
and have a plate of chicken fingers.

Cool.

Can we eat them while sitting on a
table like in Sixteen Candles?

Pick one reference, Abed.

Sixteen Candles.

And just like that,
the mafia movie was over.

I quit the fry cook job,
somewhat for the sake of the family,

but mostly for the sake of Jeff's ego,
poor guy.

Things went back to normal.

Everyone's back to being
a bunch of regular schnooks.

And I'm back to being a weirdo.

Back to watching
from the outside for now.

There's still not enough
chicken fingers.

No way, no seriously.
What?

As soon as our family moved out, a new
syndicate moved in to take its place.

But you know what they'll never
make a replacement for?

Friends.

Okay, thank you.
That's great, Abed.

But could you
just answer the question?

What was it?

Do you know who might have stolen
a box of hairnets from the kitchen?

Someone with hair.
I'm gonna write that down.

Ready?

Oh, that's nice.
Never been done.

Here I come.
Back up the same staircase.

It's good.
Double escalator.

Wow. I haven't seen that before.
How did you think of that?

And now for our signature trick.
Awesome elevator.

No.
I can't do it.

I got babies.
I gotta get home.

It's their loss.
Yeah.

That was awesome.
Yeah.