Community (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 20 - The Science of Illusion - full transcript

[###]

PELTON:
Good morning, Greendale.

As you know,
it is April Fools' Day.

Just kidding. It's the day before April Fools.
See what I did there...

Baba booey, baba booey,
baba booey

You know what, Leonard?
Strike two.

[###]

PELTON: Anyway, just
reminding you to keep

any April Fools pranks
physically safe,

politically balanced
and racially accessible.

When in doubt, check the guidelines
in our college pranks literature.



Guidelines
for school-sanctioned pranks.

Hmm. Reminds me
of my favorite college comedy.

Oh, uh, which one?

Exactly.
TROY: See, the dean doesn't get it.

The point of a practical joke is
to shake up the system.

For example,
who wants some of these?

Cool, yeah.

Looking for something?
Nice.

Oh. They allow volunteers
for campus security during times

of heightened shenanigans.
Oh.

I wanna be security.
Ooh. Let's do it together.

We can be partners.

That's a buddy cop movie
I would watch. But I wonder,

Which of you would be by the book?
Which of you would be the badass?



Oh, Abed, you're so silly.
I would be the badass.

Greetings, mortals.

Morning. Snake in a can?

Uh... No, thanks. I'm fasting.

My Buddhist church is having
its annual ascension ceremony,

and I will be becoming
a level-six laser lotus.

I know. I was speechless too.

Anyway, I have to detoxify
for the ceremony.

I get all the nutrients I need
with saltwater and honey.

[SPITS THEN COUGHS]

It's better if it goes down
the wrong pipe.

So, what happens in level six?

Well, nobody in my hive
has ever seen a six,

but, uh, from what I hear,
I'll have immunity to germs,

a heightened psychic ability
and improved night vision.

Any bonuses to your combat score?

I assume I'll fight better
if I can see more, heh, dumb-ass.

Hey, Pierce, I just remembered.
Right before you got here,

some guy was delivering
level-six ceremonial robes?

What? Why didn't you tell me?

Maybe if you run you can catch him.
Way to use your brain, Winger.

Abed, how fast can
you run to the Theater Department?

Thirty-seven seconds.
Don't come back

without something ridiculous. Go.

Guys, you realize you're exploiting
the naivet? of a man

who is being brainwashed
by a cult.

Well, it sounds a lot less fun
when you say it.

Everything does. She's a buzz kill.

I'm not a buzz kill.
SHIRLEY & ANNIE: Hmm.

Yeah, that doesn't really describe it.

You're more of a fun-vampire,

because you don't suck blood,
you just suck.

He wasn't there.

Oh, I think Abed found him.

Hey, give me.

[###]

[PIERCE GASPS]

It's amazing. Wow.

It is absolutely gorgeous.
How do I look?

May I?
Yeah.

Magical.
Great. Heh.

[LAUGHS]

Of course, the only one
who doesn't like this is Britta.

You ever get tired of being
a buzz kill?

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST
IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

This is gonna be exciting, ladies.

I hereby deputize you
as campus security for 48 hours.

Your windbreakers.

[PELTON HUMMING]

Your whistles.

[HUMMING]

Oh. Oh. Okay. Uh...

[HUMMING]

Okay. Now I only have
the one pepper spray.

It's mine. But I'll just get my groceries
in a better neighborhood this week.

I'll carry it.
Oh.

Between the two of us,
I'm sort of the badass.

You are? Uh...
H-how do you figure?

I don't know, Shirley.
How did you figure I wasn't?

I guess I didn't figure because I was
too busy being the obvious badass.

Sounds like we're both
pretty convinced.

I guess we'll find out
once we're on the job.

Hmm. I guess we will.

I'm sorry, what is going on here?

ABED:
A twist on a classic formula.

Normally, with buddy cops, one's a
straight-laced stickler, the other's a renegade.

But these two have equal claim
to both roles.

And why are you here?

Short answer?

My cable went out.

[###]

Hey, can I run something by you?

I was thinking of pulling
a little prank tonight.

All right. April Fools prank.

So you know how they have
live frogs in the anatomy lab?

Oh, yeah.
So I was gonna sneak in there,

get a frog, and then tomorrow when
Se?or Chang's class is coming in,

there will be a frog on his desk
wearing...

Tada.

Oh, you're done.

Did you read the hat?

"Se?or Chang."
Yeah.

Oh, you don't get it.
I guess I don't.

The frog is Chang.

Okay, I did get it. It's funny.
I know it's funny.

Oh, wait, I forgot.
It's not your kind of joke.

It's not at anyone's expense.

Britta, why waste your time
envying my gift for levity?

When there's so much you could be doing
with your natural talent for severity.

You know what? My prank is
gonna cause a sea of laughter,

and I'm gonna watch you
drown in it.

Thattagirl.

Seven.
That's right.

Jeff, I can read minds.
No way.

What color am I thinking of?

Pink.

What the hey?

Must be the robe.

Hey, Cookie Crisp.

Cookie Crisp.
[MOUTHS] No.

Is he talking to me?
No, no.

Hey, Pierce, that guy came back
that brought your robes

and said he forgot to deliver this.

What is it?
He said it focuses your powers?

Is that a cookie?
Oh!

Maybe it's a piece of meteor.

Buddha arrived on a meteor.

When's the last time he ate?

I am the coolest guy in the world.

[CHUCKLES]

[###]

[ANIMALS SCREECHING]

[DOOR CREAKS THEN CLOSES]

Hello, Mr. Frog.
Can I just borrow you for a second?

[IN SINGSONG VOICE]
I'm Se?or Chang.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Now tell me that's not funny.

Aah! Oh! Oh, no. Wait.

[WHISPERING]
Here, froggy, froggy, froggy.

Here frog, frog, froggy.

Mr. Frog?

[CROAKING]

Real quiet.

[SCREAMING]

Oh, no. Uhn!

Yaah!

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Oh.

WOMAN:
Oh, my God! Aah!

Call the ambulance!

MAN:
It's so horrible.

It's a dead body.

[SQUISHING]

And what makes it worse is
this was a brand new sign, so...

I just don't want this to tarnish
our school's reputation.

Don't worry. Your school's
reputation is way worse than this.

[SIREN WAILS]

Oh, here's our campus security.

Just stop right there.
Oh, ladies, don't pull up on the...

Okay.

Oh, Annie.
Morning, boys.

I'm Annie Edison.

But people call me Psycho because I had
a nervous breakdown in high school.

My partner
is a Christian housewife.

Can we help you?
Actually, can we not help you?

I tend to play by my own rules.

She loves rules. I only have one.

Stay out of my way.

Stay out of mine more.

You know what?
This is misdemeanor vandalism.

You ladies can take care of it
yourselves.

Wait.

Wait, wait. What?
Call us when you find a perp.

COP: Yeah, heh, we'll be waiting.
Oh...

You go.
Uh, I'm about to.

Now look what you have done.

Tell them they got 24 hours
to solve the case.

They do. You have 24 hours
to solve it or else.

Figure it out.

[###]

That's the poster.

So this is the part of my job
that I enjoy the least.

The part where I inform you
that last night,

someone murdered
a partially clothed animal

and threw a human corpse
out a window.

And you can thank the person
that did it,

a person that may be in this room,
for the fact that from now on,

April Fools' Day is banished,
okay?

At Greendale, April 1 st is officially
March 32nd forever.

How do you know it was one of us?

Well, if I may answer a question
with a question,

why are you dressed
like a wizard?

[GRUNTING]

Okay, is he having a stroke?

I'll tell you how I know.

Security Officers Bennett and Edison
found this at the scene. Hmm?

The little hat says "Chang" on it.

And we ruled out your teacher because
he has a crippling fear of frogs.

[GASPS]

I told you that in confidence.

How about whoever did this
just fesses up?

All right, that wasn't just a cadaver
that was thrown out that window.

It was a person
with family and friends.

And for every day
that nobody confesses,

this class will be meeting
one of them. Hmm?

[SHOUTS] Glenda?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, I apologize.

Can you come on in here. Hmm?
Yes.

And tell us about your son.

GLENDA:
Oh, yeah.

Hello, everyone.
CLASS: Hello.

There.

Harry was a wonderful man.

He kept a dream journal.

Page one.

"I had that dream again
where I'm in a forest

but the trees are pencils."

JEFF:
Hey.

Impressive. And hilarious.
Hmm.

You gonna fess up, weirdo?
Look, it wasn't me.

Even if it was,
this was an accident.

I knew it. Nicely done.

If I come forward, it's gonna play into
the "Britta's a buzz kill" mythology.

Well, the toe tag fits, Britta.

I mean, you single-handedly killed
an entire school's buzz,

not to mention a frog.
According to Glenda,

cadaver Harry had
13 nieces and nephews

that I'm not interested in meeting.

So you better think
about coming clean,

or I'm just gonna tell everybody
you did it.

[###]

ANNIE:
Star-Burns doesn't do very much.

I guess fascinating people don't resort
to growing shapes on their faces.

He makes one false move,
and I'm gonna go Shirley on him.

That's what my high school friends
called crazy.

Yeah? You gonna go Shirlier than
I did when I got addicted to pills?

Why are you so concerned
with being badass?

Maybe I'm tired of everyone
thinking of me as a little girl.

Maybe I wanna be in charge
of how I'm defined.

SHIRLEY:
Well, how do you think I feel?

You have two kids,
and they stick you in the margins.

I'm not done yet.
I still got moves.

I haven't even started yet.

I've got moves
I haven't even seen before.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Blocked call.
Mm.

Edison.

WOMAN [DISGUISING VOICE]:
The man you're looking for

is Jeff Winger.

Jeff Winger.
Who is this?

[LINE CLICKS]

I didn't recognize the voice.
They say Jeff Winger's our man.

Oh.
Drop them if you smoke them.

Cut to action sequence.
Let's roll.

[SIREN WAILING]

ANNIE:
Security's coming through.

[SIREN WAILS]

Mr. Winger.

Cagney, Lacey.
What can I do you for?

Just doing a routine search.

What is this?
What do you have here?

That's my chest.
Why don't you spread them? Huh?

What are you packing here?

Guys.
I can pat.

I can do it too. So, uh,
what have you got in the bag?

Yeah.
What the...?

Hey.

Let's see what we have here.

Holy Mary, mother of pearl.

What do we have here, huh?

Looks like enough tiny items to
equip an amphibious mariachi band.

Of frogs.
That is not my stuff.

Britta. Britta planted that.
Sure she did.

Tell that to what our equivalent
of a judge is.

[###]

ANNIE:
Wait. What is...?

He's getting away.

[ANNIE & SHIRLEY YELLING]

Go, go. Drive.

[SIREN WAILING]

SHIRLEY:
When you turn to yell at me...

ANNIE: He's right there.
SHIRLEY: Okay, hold it...

What are these doing here?
He's getting away.

Go after him on foot.
I'm going after him on foot.

Cut him off on the other side.
I'm cutting him off on the other side.

Stop or I'll shoot.

I said, stop.

Oh, God, no. Aah!

Aah! It burns.

[SIREN WAILS]

Uh-huh. Oh, great, he got away.
Good job.

He got away because of your driving,
Grandma.

Oh, I beg your pardon,
Hannah Montana.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you hard of hearing?

You know what? This is why
you have hardly any friends.

Looks like I have one less now.
Do I look like I'm crying?

These are not tears.

This is self-inflicted friendly fire,
okay?

That's what happens to children.

You have no idea
what I've been through!

SHIRLEY: You don't think I've
got the strength for this!

Excuse me.
I have to go to the bathroom.

I'll give you the rest of these
chocolate-covered raisins if you save my seat.

[ANNIE & SHIRLEY CONTINUE
YELLING AT EACH OTHER]

ANNIE:
- To be alone out there.

You are assuming...

I don't want you to feel judged
by this,

but your handling of this job
has disappointed me.

I mean, your high-speed pursuit
caused $ 78 worth of damages.

And you didn't even get a statement
out of Mr. Winger?

He got away.
He ran between two poles.

Well, I see how that would be
frustrating but the fact is,

Your ass is on the line.
My ass is on the line.

You just got off the phone

with the mayor.
I just got off the phone...

What? The mayor? Stop doing that.
I'm trying to help.

You're not doing this right.
Well, maybe you should do it.

[CHUCKLES]

[ANGRILY] I am sick and tired
of making excuses for you two.

You're an embarrassment
to the department.

You're off the case and off the force.
Your badges, your windbreakers now.

Now. I ain't got all day.

Agitating my sciatica.

I'm too old for this.
Now get out of my sight.

Thought you were badasses, huh?

Real badasses work together.

Hmm.

All I see is a housewife
and girl scout.

Hey.
Abed.

I said, get out.

And don't even think about
getting near this case. Uh-uh.

Pretty harsh.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Don't worry,
that's what they needed.

[###]

Well, that was embarrassing.
I know.

That African-American police chief
character Abed was playing was right.

We should have worked as a team.

I don't know about you,
I don't need a badge to finish this.

I say we nail Winger to the wall.

Together?
Together.

How do you spell "testicles"?

Nice frame job, Britta-dict Arnold.

Oh, colonial burn.

Come on, Jeff, where's that
trademark gift for levity?

Well, well, well, look who we found.

Yes, how foolish of me to hide in
my regularly scheduled study group.

Jeff, ahem, let's just do this
the easy way. Confess.

Britta's the one
who threw that body out the window.

And I can prove it.
How?

Britta was going to put a frog wearing
a sombrero on Chang's desk

because that's the kind of thing
she thinks is funny.

Don't you, Britta?
No.

Then why is there a photo
on your Facebook page

of a cat wearing a necktie?

Pfft. This is my cat.

And the tie makes him?

Formal.

This investigation
is going nowhere.

You need a psychic.

Perfect.

This process may alarm you.

Oh! Gay, gay, gay. So gay.

Oh-oh. Dark nightclub. Aah, aah.

Throbbing music.

Men's room... Men's room stall.

Penis. Two penises.

Oh. So gay. He's so gay.

[GRUNTS]

Pierce.
What?

Sit down. We'll take it from here.
Uhn.

Jeff, where were you last night?
At a bar.

Called it.
Who can confirm that?

Your mama?
What?

While I'm...
GROUP: Oh!

Oh!

What the hell, Annie?

Her name's not Annie, it's Psycho.
If I were you, I'd tell her what she wants to hear.

That's right, because if I have
to hand you off to Shirley,

you're gonna enter
a kitchen of pain.

Uhn!
BRITTA: Guys, stop it.

Stop it. I did it.

I framed Jeff.

I'm sorry, Jeff.

But why?
Because I'm a buzz kill, that's why.

Because that's who I am.
That's my role.

You guys, you create fun,
and I destroy it.

Of course a silly little joke ends
with a dead body on the lawn.

I should have known that
but I wanted to do it anyway.

I wanted to be like you.
I wanted to be funny.

Knock, knock.
Who's there? Cancer.

Oh, good, come on in.
I thought it was Britta.

Well...

Britta, I actually wanna be taken
more seriously.

And the only reason I slammed
Jeff's head against the table

was because I wanted to feel
like an adult.

Like Shirley.

And I wanted to feel younger
like Annie.

It's not that I'm really old because people
don't know how young I really am. See?

I'm doing it again.
I hate that I obsess about my age.

Oh, I know.

I wish I was really magic. Heh.

You know you're not?
Yeah.

Hah. Somebody must have sent
these robes by accident.

I only pretended I was level six
to impress you guys.

I got held back.

[SOBBING]

I don't even deserve
this Buddhist meteor wand.

WOMEN:
Oh.

It's not a meteor. It's a cookie wand.

[SOBBING]

Me and Jeff made it

because it made you look
like the Cookie Crisp wizard.

Which is not even a reference I get
because the Cookie Crisp mascot

wasn't a wizard when I was a kid,
it was a burglar.

[ALL SOBBING]

I just pretended like I knew because
I wanted Jeff to think I was smart.

[ALL SOBBING]

Great. I did it again.

I killed the buzz.

Look, um...

Maybe...

Maybe "buzz kill"
is a bad choice of words.

What's a good choice of words?

I don't know. l... I, um... I...

You're... You're like the dark cloud
that unites us.

Or the... The anti-Winger.

You're like... You're...
You're the heart of this group.

Uh... Look, um, I don't have a real
handle on all this mushy stuff.

If... If I did,
then we wouldn't need you.

Britta, get over here.

Really?
Yeah.

[SOBBING]

Let's never let Jeff divide us again.

Hey, Abed.

Why are you and I the only sane...?
Shh.

Just watch. It's beautiful.

Troy, do you want a bite of my wand?
I do.

We really appreciate
you doing this.

Sure.
And three, two, one.

BOTH:
# Troy and Abed in the morning ##

And we're back.
Look who's here, Jeff Winger.

Jeff, how do you stay so fit?

Uh... Diet, exercise, genetics.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Sure, sure.
Okay. So it seems we have a clip.

You wanna set up for us?

Uh, I'd like to but I don't know
what you're talking about.

Okay, we'll just roll it.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Ooh. My name's Jeff Winger.

[IN DEEP VOICE]
Hey. I'm Jeff Winger. I'm so tall.

This watch is expensive.
Muscles are everywhere.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
That was funny.

What's going on?
Where are the cameras?

We're not filming this.
No. Who'd wanna watch this?

Guys, it's 6 a.m. Jeez.

We're not gonna have him back.

BOTH:
# Troy and Abed in the morn... ##

JEFF:
No!