Community (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 19 - Beginner Pottery - full transcript

Jeff unexpectedly takes interest in his new pottery class when another student shows natural talent. Meanwhile, Pierce brings Britta, Shirley and Troy along for a ride at his boating class.

I had to get up so early for my bus

I caught what Cinemax
gets up to at night.

Subscription cancelled.

I got that channel for Eddie
Murphy movies, not stimulation.

Why are you taking the bus?
What happened to your minivan?

My ex-husband needed it.
The person he's dating works at a club

an hour from the city.

Oh. Well, I'll play a violin for
them and maybe she can strip to it.

Kind people are always kind, Britta.
Not just when it's easy.

As we stand, once again

upon the deadline
to drop or add classes,



I hereby present this semester's
Jeff Winger pick

for ultimate blow-off class:
Beginner Pottery.

Your last "blow off" class ended up
teaching me to live in the moment.

Which I will always regret
and never do again.

This one's different.
I researched.

You don't have to make
a good pot.

You get an art credit
for participation.

This class is like a redhead that drinks
Scotch and loves Die Hard.

I suggest you all get her number.

Ahoy.

Guess which class I signed up for.

Singing with Tennille?

Sailing.

The nearest body of water
is two and a half hours away.



Leagues, Abed.

We don't measure water
by hours.

It's a one-week intensive that gives
you hands-on experience on a real boat

right here in the parking lot.

I'd rather learn boats
than pots.

I was gonna take a class on how to put
together an online dating profile.

But I think sailing in the
parking lot is less pathetic.

A black person on a sail boat?
I gotta see this. I'm in.

How about you, Abed?
You wanna sail with us?

There's black people.
Mm-hm. Two.

All right.

Hello, ladies.
What you guys making, big balls here?

Oh, yeah.
You guys getting dirty? Nice.

What are you looking at?
Heh, heh. All right.

Hey, Laura Ingalls.
Home Depot guy.

Who's making pots, huh?

I do wanna make
my mom an ashtray.

Okay.

Hello, my precious blueberries.

Hello.
Hi.

All right, let's spin those
wheels and play with some clay.

Now, there's one and only
one rule in this class.

I will tolerate no reenacting,
whether it's ironic or sincere,

of the Patrick Swayze-Demi Moore
pottery scene in Ghost.

Ever since that movie
was released in 1990,

I have seen every conceivable
variation of what I call ghosting.

This can be guy-on-girl,
girl-on-guy.

The hilarious guy-on-guy.

So since it never stopped,

I had to adopt
a zero-Ghost- tolerance policy.

If you so much as hum three notes
from that Righteous Brothers song

with God as my witness,
I will come at you

with everything I've got, okay?

Let's have a great time.

I'm making falafel.

Mm.
Not edible.

What are you making?

A vase.

Hey, guys.
Yep?

Look what I made.

A participant badge.

I don't know how.

I mean, I just stuck my hands
into the clay and it happened.

You look at me.

You have a gift.

Jeff's competitive
side had come out before,

he had even displayed envy,
but on that first day of Pottery class...

Abed.
Yeah?

What did we discuss?
No voiceover. I'm sorry.

It is kind of a crutch.

I've never been
on a boat before.

I didn't know what to wear.

Yeah, it's intimidating.

We're in Pierce's world now.

He's got all the boat clothes,
and look at him christen.

If that were me,
I would have broken the bottle.

I'm Professor Slaughter.

Welcome aboard
the S.S. Nose Candy,

purchased through
government auction.

Oh, that's nice.

It's not nice. It's your only
weapon against the raging sea.

If you don't know how to use her,
you're dead.

Together, you will work as one crew.
You will succeed or fail as one crew.

You will consider this parking lot
the ocean.

Whatever you drop, you lose.

Mishandle the sails,
you capsize and die.

Now, does Little Miss Nice
have a name?

Shirley Bennett.

Well, now you're
Captain Shirley Bennett.

Aw, man.
You will follow her every order.

Oh.

I've never been a captain before.
I have.

I commanded a jet ski
through an electrical storm

and only had one casualty.

Jet skis only hold two people.

Exactly. Saved half the crew.

Pottery is much cooler than I thought.
And harder.

Well, except for that guy Rich.
He's like a natural.

Yeah. I'm worried about the effect
that it's having on Jeff, though.

Yeah, someone call a shrink.
What?

Well, you're usually
the cool one.

Abed, you understand the point
of a blow-off class is to blow it off?

Not to be cool at making
really important mud pies.

Not willing to admit he's talented?
No, because he's not.

If I ever make an effort in that class,
you'd think I was the cat's pajamas.

"Cat's pajamas"?

Okay, Pierce.

Wow. Somebody's mommy
gave him too much praise.

Man, so did someone's
psych teacher.

Oh, Señor Chang.

Yes, I was robbed
at the YMCA. Again.

All right, let's do this.

Jeff, do you know what you are?

You're special.

You're very special, Jeff.

You're the most special
little boy in the world.

Take her back to harbor.

Flank the sheets
and trim the headsail.

Eyes on me for a moment.

I don't see students here,
I see seamen.

And I didn't create them.

From the moment you climbed
aboard, I saw seamen inside you.

More importantly, you've stopped
giggling at the word "seamen."

And that's the mark
of a real seaman.

All right, as you were.

Okay, then.
Crew, make fast the topping lift.

I'll get the rope.

Oh, my God.
Damn. He's ghost riding the jib.

Pierce, hang on.

That hat's gone. Lost at sea.

I might be able to reach it.
It landed on that Hyundai.

I mean, mermaid's car.

Get back on this boat.

No, no, no.

Well, I spoke too soon.
Everybody gets a D.

If I had chosen to hit you
with a storm just then,

you all would have failed.

You better get your crew in line,
captain.

Permission to speak?
Mm-hm.

You really screwed the pooch
on that one, captain.

And I can't swim.

So, you see, ladies, it's
actually a working fountain

with a bird.

Heh, heh, heh.
Hey, Jeff,

ready to make some art
in the shape of a vase?

No, can't.

Ooh, ouch.
Let me take a look.

Rich, being good at Beginner Pottery
doesn't mean you can heal people.

That's true.
But my medical degree does.

I'm a doctor.
A doctor?

I just take pottery to unwind.

I haven't lost a patient in five years.
Puts a lot of pressure on a person.

So the good news is this is
neither sprained nor broken.

Oh, thank God.
But I'll have to get a second opinion

from a guy in my
basket-weaving class.

That's great. It's funny.

Good to see you getting along with Rich.
What's he like?

He's a ringer.
A what?

You know, a con man,
a grifter, a ringer.

He's an expert potter who signs up for
novice classes to impress people.

If he wants to impress,
why join a pottery class?

Why not just say,
"Hi, I'm a doctor"?

Because he's crazy.

And fancy jobs
don't impress people.

You weren't impressed
I'm a lawyer.

Anyone can be a lawyer.
You can even represent yourself.

You can't do surgery on yourself.
It's illegal. You'd get arrested.

And then you'd get a free lawyer.

Rich showed me how to make
a flared lip on my pot

and check for breast lumps.
Ha.

I don't know how,
and I don't know when,

but one day that guy
is gonna slip up

and when that happens, I am
gonna be there to expose him.

Jeff, check it out.
If your finger's still bugging you,

just get creative.

I wanna kiss you on the mouth.
I'm sorry?

Hey, Rich. Hey.

Don't run so fast,
you're among friends.

How you doing, Jeff? What's up?
Not much, nada mucho.

Noddily Merchant.

Just want to thank you,
Doc Potterywood,

for taking a look at my finger.

Anytime.
Doc Potterywood, I like it.

Have you taken
many pottery classes?

No, this is my first.

Of the year?
Ever.

No pottery at doctor school?
Medical school?

Pottery school.
Pottery school?

Oh, pottery school?
How long?

Jeff, it's kind of weird,
I feel I'm being interrogated,

but by someone who doesn't really
wanna know anything important.

Oh, hey, New Mexico.
Long way from home.

Yeah. Well, I did my residency
in Santa Fe.

Santa Fe.
Yeah.

Can I give you a lift somewhere?
Oh, no, thanks.

I'm getting there.

Did you sleep here?
Only for a few hours.

Guess where Rich is from.
Couldn't have been Crazy Town.

You'd have gone to school together.
Santa Fe, New Mexico.

Nobody gets out of Santa Fe
without learning to make a pot.

Forty-five percent Hispanic.
Fifth-highest Native American population.

They eat and breathe clay there.

I think some of this research may
have been done on Wikipedia.

You're mocking me? You?

No, you, fine, go ahead, mock me.

Oh, Jeff, you're Goldblum-ing.
Goldblum-ing?

Heh. What? I, uh...
I don't even know what that means.

Look, I have work to do
before class

because I wanna catch Rich
when he slips up.

But who even cares if he's
pretending to be a beginner?

Pottery cares. Integrity cares.

Look, I don't care.
I just care that he cares.

It's lame that he cares.

Shoelace came untied.
Could happen to anybody.

That's your excuse?
Britta weighs 5 pounds.

Troy can't swim.
I've never seen the ocean.

Uh, I can swim, racist.

Listen to me.
On my boat, the crew comes first.

No single person is above it.
You either shape up or ship the hell out.

Now I know what the C
in captain stands for.

Crab apple.

Shirley, I thought you said
that kind people were always kind.

Yes. And strong people change.

If the sea was always still and calm,
nobody would respect her.

I'm like the sea.
Hey.

Cuckoo birds, do you mind?
This is important.

College is where most
mental problems activate.

I hope I get
multiple personalities.

I get lonely in long showers.

The barometer's dropping.
The temperature is warm,

but we're heading
into a high-pressure flow.

That's a perfect storm.

Reef the mainsail and furl the jib.

Is that nautical talk
or urban speak?

We have to turn back.
Accidental jibe.

Hit the deck.

Oh!
Man overboard.

Oh, my God, Pierce is dead!

No, wait.
His stomach is moving.

Oh, my God. Pierce.

That's it. Pull me in.

The storm is overtaking you,
captain.

We don't have time.

I'm trying as hard as I can.
I have skinny arms for a quarterback.

I said, we don't have time.

What? No. Pull...

Wait. Pull me in.

What do you mean, "time"?
That's it.

What? No.

No!

Bring the boom amidship.

No!

No!

What in God's name have we done?

Hey.

Get out of my parking spot,
dipwad.

Security.

I mean, take an intermediate
class if you're an intermediate.

Don't come in here making
your fear of failure our problem.

I mean, it's crazy.
It's crazy.

I mean, he's a crazy person.

I'm scared.

It's okay. This is good for him.
He's confronting his own limitations.

Busted.

Fatal mistake, Richy boy.

You are busted.
I am?

You just used the "throwing
off the hump" method.

That's an advanced pottery
technique, which I know

because last night I read the
entire Encyclopedia of Pottery.

What are you talking about?

You are no beginner, Santa Fe.

Hey, what is going on,
my blueberries?

Show him what you did.
No.

I rest my case.
What case?

Throw the freaking hump,
imposter.

What are you doing? No.
Hey! Hey!

It's the hilarious
guy-on-guy.

One rule I asked you to follow.
One.

Look.
Oh!

I had it made before he died.
It's not in bad taste.

Out, Winger.

Fine. That's fine.

No, that's fine.

Congratulations.
You've failed a class so easy

that people passing in the
hallway get a contact credit.

No, this is abuse!
This is abuse!

Pierce. Do you still have the number
of that private investigator you used

when you thought Ross Perot
was sleeping with your mom?

Is this about that guy in your class?
Yeah.

Face the facts. This kid's got some
natural talent you just don't have.

How would you know?
It's all over the school.

Great.

Why aren't you in sailing class?
They drowned me.

Why?
For a better grade.

But weren't we discussing
your flaws, Jeff?

Why are you letting this guy get to you?
What's really going on?

I made a bad pot.

For some reason, I always thought
that I was special and different.

And I guess I just have
a really hard time

when I want to be good
at something and I suck.

Uh-huh.

Here, give me a hand.

What are you doing?
I'm going back to my sailing class.

After they murdered you?

Jeffrey, when I was born,

I got my umbilical cord
wrapped around my neck,

both arms and one of my ankles.

Mom said there came a point when
the doctors stopped delivering me

and just started laughing. Heh.

I mean, if I ever let being bad
at something stop me,

I wouldn't even be here.

That thing some men call failure?
I call living.

Breakfast.

And I'm not leaving
till I've cleaned out the buffet.

Now, how about a shove?

Good luck, Pierce.
Don't need it.

Never had it.

Britta, trim the boom flat.

Troy, sit windward
to heel the boat.

My, the sea has a worthy opponent.

Oh, my God, it's Pierce.

Man, that guy's life
is one big joke.

I mean, I feel bad for him,

but things have been running
smoother since he drowned.

I bet he gets that
all the time.

Oh. Oh. Hey. Hey.
Oh, my God.

It's going down.
Pierce is going to be the only person

ever to drown in a parking lot,
twice.

Help!
Damn the storm.

We're going after Pierce.

Jump the halyard. Star-Burns, get
down there and man the iron jinny.

There's a man overboard.
That's an order.

I'm gonna sink.

I'm about to get the only A
I will ever get,

and Pierce isn't even dying.
Bailing.

You don't have to do this.

I know.

But I'd rather be kind and get
stepped on every once in a while

than be a hard-ass
and turn my back on a friend.

Hoist the mains.

I don't want to go this way.

We're coming, Pierce.

Help.

How's it looking?
We've gotta go faster.

Okay, come on, Star-Burns.

It's filling with water.

It's going down.

Pierce, we're coming.

Dear God. Dear God.

Oh, yes. Oh, Britta.

Troy.

Here you go. We gotcha.

Here you go.
Okay.

Are you okay?
You all right?

You just steered your boat into a storm.
Any last words?

The sea may be cold and
unforgiving, but I'm not.

The ship might go down but at
least she'll go down with honor.

Then I'll take
your captain's hat

because I'm promoting
you to admiral.

You all get an A.
Oh.

Admiral Shirley. I like that.

Well, it means nothing, really, the class is over.
But you deserve it.

Hey, somebody has to do this.

I'm king of the...

Don't ruin a perfect week.

I'm not gonna spoon you again.
I appreciate that.

Yeah, I can't fully explain
my behavior.

I'd love to blame booze
or demon possession...

You know what? Don't worry about it.
I'm bad at holding grudges.

Well, I'm bad at pottery.

I'm an amateur pottery enthusiast

trying as hard as I can at
something I suck at. It's great.

And the teacher said I could stay if I
don't have any more Ghost bursts.

Fantastic. Well, good luck.

Don't need it.

Jeff, you're a normal person.

There's nothing very special
about you at all.

You're going to be great
at a few things

but really crappy at many more.

And that takes a lot
of the pressure off

so you can live
a full, happy life.

Oh, and sorry it took me so long
to tell you that

and it was only
in your imagination.

My bad. Kind of a sloppy mom.

That's okay, Mom.
Nobody's perfect.

I'm still scared.

A clay ashtray. You're an idiot.

Why do you have time
to make pottery?

Couldn't you use a little more
practice being a doctor?

Not that it'll ever bring your brother
back to life.

It was supposed to be you
on that roller coaster, Richard.

It was supposed to be you.

Whoo!

Oh, come on. Again?

Good grief.