Community (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 18 - Basic Genealogy - full transcript

Hey. Haven't seen you all day.

Hah. I've been really busy.

Plus I had to find 30 extra chairs for
my classroom since it's Family Day.

Oh. Speaking of, I was gonna invite
my mom so you could meet her

but, uh, she still thinks
I'm a lawyer.

Oh, look. A Human Being
has a little Human with it.

How bloodcurdlingly adorable.

Jeff, we need to talk.

What's wrong?
Are you breaking up with me?

Oh. Heh-heh.
Maybe we don't need to talk.

I'm so excited for everybody
to meet my sons.



Hope they're not twins. Twins freak me out.
They always know what

the other one is... Yeah.
Thinking?

And finishing each other's...
Pie.

Exactly. It's creepy.
It's nice spending time with them.

I don't get to see them that much
since I started school.

My sister likes to joke they don't recognize me
anymore, and I like to joke she's just jealous

because she's barren.
Hmm.

My dad's bringing cousin Abra.
She's visiting from Gaza.

Does she look like you,
but in a wig and lipstick?

No, that's Halle Berry.

Abra wears a full burka in public so she just looks
like someone covered head to toe in black fabric.

I can't believe my grandma's
rolling her old bones down here.

I gotta pick a cabinet to hide in.

You hide from her?
Yeah, she's crazy.



Troy. Society programs us to dispose
of the elderly because they don't work

or buy things, but don't be blind
to your grandmother's value.

You need to cherish her.
You cherish her.

I'm sure I will.
She's not gonna be around forever.

I wanna believe you're right, Britta,
but you never quite are, are you?

Sorry, I'm late.
Was somebody canoodling

with a certain professor?

Actually, no. She dumped me.

Oh, no, that's so sad.
I'll give Jeff a shoulder to cry on.

You boys put a dead bird
in that bitch's glove compartment.

Got it.
Guys, guys, sit.

Shirley, I don't need to cry. I'm fine.

Jeff, we're your friends.
Let it all out.

There's nothing to let out.

I'm just glad I didn't have to do
the dumping.

Then I'd have to lay low
for three weeks to look sensitive.

on campus now and all anyone
will feel for me is sorry.

Ew. Not anymore.

Your heart's desensitized, Jeff.

You're like a machine.
It feels no love, just sex.

You're like the Booty-nator.

You know, Booty-nator?
Like "I'll be back," but with booty.

Why would Booty-nator be back
with booty?

Wouldn't he just try and kill it?

Well, maybe he kills it,
then brings it back as a trophy.

Why would he want dead booty?
I want Pirate's Booty.

Because you're hungry?
Guys.

I'll be back, but with booty.
Yeah.

That's beneath you.
Gross.

Well, you're too gorgeous
to be a teacher

and you're too happy
to be a student.

Take me
to where your car broke down.

I'm here for Family Day.
I'm looking for my family.

Oh. Well, at the very least,
I could fill in for a creepy uncle.

Jeff.
Amber.

There she is.

Look at you, all grown up.

Jeff, this is my stepdaughter, Amber.
Small world.

No, actually, it's a very big world with
5 billion other women in it. Heh-heh.

Good luck.

Come on, I'll show you around.

I'm back.
Without booty.

Now I feel sorry for you.

Hands in the air.
Homeland Security.

Boys, leave that man alone.

Orange alert. Orange alert.

Sorry. They're just excited.

You're, uh, Abed's father?
I'm Shirley.

And that's Elijah like the prophet and
Jordan like the 14-time NBA All-Star.

Gubi Nadir.
Is it how you say hello?

That's my name.

Oh! I'm sorry, you...
You're like a black ghost.

This is my cousin, Abra.

Greetings.

Over the course
of seven marriages,

I amassed some 32 stepchildren
and obviously, Amber's my favorite.

Yeah, there was something
about his mass e-mails

that made me certain
this would be a family reunion.

It sure is, sweetie.

She's going to photography school.
Oh, sounds interesting.

Keep it in your pants.

You're embarrassing yourself. She
may be hot, but she's my princess.

Step princess.

Okay. Family Day.

Let's see what we got here.

Wow. I can't believe Star-Burns
isn't a virgin.

But judging from that Bluetooth
headset, his son is. Ch-chang!

Winger.

Too cool for family?

Everyone here is my family.
Oh...

Weak.
Cute.

Where's your family, El Tigre?
Ugh.

My older brother
will be at the barbecue.

And it's none of your business,
but I ate my twin in utero.

Oh.
Hey, Phantom Menace.

How's the trade embargo
with the Naboo?

Anyway, oh, looks like Pierce
broke the piggy bank

at the escort service this time.

Hey, duck sauce. That was rude.

The call girls I frequent are not nearly
as attractive as my daughter.

Stepdaughter.

Technically, ex-stepdaughter.

You know, your mother April...
Mm-hm. Wanda, her name's...

Was it Wanda? Yes.
Yes.

I need one sec. Excuse me.

Uh, Jeff, Jeff. Uh...

Cards on the table, Jeff.

Amber's the best shot
I'll ever have

at something like a real daughter
and I'm striking out.

Have you told her
she's prettier than a hooker?

If you come to the barbecue...

I know you'd never think
of touching her.

Maybe you could say
a couple cool things about me.

You want me to wingman you
with your ex-stepdaughter?

I'm sorry. I got a thing.

You have a thing?

Yeah, and it's on the rebound.

I'm not subjecting it to a night
with a hot girl that I can't have.

You can't holster it for a friend?

Please, Pierce is barely a friend.

He's no more related to Amber
than you are,

and was a total jag
about shutting me down.

How much effort do I rate?
For you?

Um, I'd break a light sweat.

Good, I need a favor.

Help Pierce with his stepdaughter?

You're becoming dangerous, Annie.

It's those doe eyes.

Disappointing you is like choking
the Little Mermaid with a bike chain.

Is this Nana Barnes?

Troy didn't mention
you were such a knockout.

What's that supposed to mean?
Oh. Come on.

I'm sure you've broken a few hearts
in your time.

Oh.

Tell me.

How many men
do you think I've laid with?

Who are you?
I am Britta.

And I have offended you
and I am sorry.

Is there anything I can get you?

Yes.

You can get me a switch.
A what now?

She's not family, Nana.
You can't make her get a switch.

She can make me get it.
I just have to know what it is.

A switch is a stick she can use
to whoop you with.

Cherish, Britta. Cherish.

Heh. Well, it was wonderful
meeting your brother.

Adios, Señor Chang,
shalom, Rabbi Chang,

and to both of you, sayonara.

Don't go.

Señor Chang?

Ben, do you realize
how ridiculous that sounds?

Okay, that is who I am. So drop it.

Dropping. I'm dropping.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Amber alert.
You are allergic to peanuts.

That might be a different step kid.

My flight actually leaves so...

Your flight actually leaves
after I tell you a story called:

Pierce Takes On The School Bully.

Heh.
Are you a ninja

Oh, baby. Don't be rude.

Uh, she's wearing a burka.

It's a way women to
express their modesty.

They're like Islamic turtlenecks.
Ask her if she wants to play with us.

Bouncy house.

Sounds heated.
Did she call him a pig's anus or something?

She's saying she's old
enough to jump in a giant balloon.

She's saying he's overprotective.

Now she says he's a pig anus.

That fight made me crave a hot dog.

Stay put, boys. I'll be right back.

Look at them.
You are a bad mother.

Control your children.

I have to go back to my car
and get my emergency shirt.

And I don't even like that shirt.

Not only did he join a band,
they got jealous and booted him.

Get out.

Heh-heh.
That's exactly what they said.

Off to the bathroom, Stepdad.

I've never been called Stepdad.
I don't think anyone has.

Listen, when she gets back, come up with
some reason why you have to leave, okay?

I'll beg you to stay, but you don't.

In fact, why don't you just leave now.
Cut our work in half.

Good luck, buddy.

You're leaving?
My girlfriend is pregnant.

Pierce said you were gay.
He...

Yup. As the sunrise.

And I'm deeply ashamed.

I'm just glad I have friends like Pierce
to keep me...

Honest.

This is slightly wrong.

Too much tongue?
Just enough.

But it... It's Pierce.

You mean the guy who decided
he doesn't want men

touching his ex-stepdaughter, but
divorced Mom for our housekeeper?

Could be the same guy, yeah.

Amber?

Amber, there you are.

Why are you here, Jeff?
I go to school here, remember?

Ahem. There's a Pictionary
tournament in the student lounge.

Sounds fun. Is Jeff joining us?

I don't know if he can, can you?
I can't.

Oh. Come on, stay.
Stay.

I can't.
Maybe I shouldn't, either.

Stay, Jeff.
You think I should?

I think you have to.

I'll stay.
Me too.

Ha-ha. Good Family Day.

What are you doing?

Getting Nana a switch.

Britta, stop pretending that
my mean old nana is awesome.

I'm not pretending.

I think it's cool that she's got
her own style of discipline.

Nana's old school.

Yeah, my mom told me there'd
be white people that did this.

With the pocket watches
and coffee grinders,

and pretending
to be into steamboats.

But let's get this straight.

This is real life.

My Nana is gonna whoop you.

Not unless I find her a switch.

How about this?

Yeah, that's a great switch, Britta.

Very hip. Should hurt a lot.

Uh, where's Elijah and Jordan?
Uh, Abed?

Oh, what a surprise
that you lost them.

They're playing hide and seek.

Uh, where?
I don't think that's how it works.

Stop screwing around, Abed.

Hey, you want to yell at someone?
Go find your crazy kids.

My boy is disciplined.
It's not his job...

All right, you got me, Gubi.
I'm a bad mother.

I let my kids be kids instead
of acting like a jail warden.

Ah. You don't like her burka?
I'm not talking about the burka.

I'm talking about her
never having any fun.

Now Abra, you look me in the eyes
and you tell me...

Um...

I'm sorry. I seemed to have forgotten
the napkins.

Do... Do you mind?
Fine.

Now I'm the napkin man.

Oh.
Uh-huh.

Circle.

Circle with a squiggly line.

Uh... Squiggly line circle.

You... You did hear me say circle.

Smiling sideways vagina.
No.

Happy sideways vagina.
No.

Happy face.

And that's a clam?

As happy as a clam.
Yes.

As happy as a clam?
What a gay guess.

Idiot.
Pierce, you're up.

Eat my dust, Winger.

You do know
we're on the same team?

Go.

Uh...

All right, here we go. Uh...

Let's see.

Look, I don't, uh...

Pierce you have to add more.
Draw more.

Stop.
Stop circling the same thing.

Well, guess something,
you girlfriendless geek.

What are you drawing?
You're supposed to know, stupid.

Relax.

I'll get this.

I think they'll both drop charges,
but we gotta take statements.

It's gonna be a while.

And I may just be a simple cop,
but people need to know.

This isn't gonna stop until Pictionary
bans the word windmill.

Pierce, we'll meet you at the gala.
We're gonna go get you some coffee.

Is coffee code for sex?

Is it?

No.

Nana, here's your switch.
Bring it here.

I'll make do.

Okay. Let me have it.

I ain't no nun. Bend over.

Drop your pants
and get over my lap.

All you have to do is walk away.

What are you doing?
She's respecting her elders.

See Troy?
Did you think I was a hypocrite?

That I wouldn't really...
Okay, that really...

Oh! Okay, that really...

I don't understand you, Britta.

I don't understand you at all.

You know what?

Totally wrong room.
Will you get the door?

Uh... She's had enough.

Oh... She's had enough.

Let's focus on you,
the forbidden fruit

that is the ex-stepdaughter
of a casual acquaintance.

Oh, oops. Don't wanna lose that.

Why do you have a $25,000
check from Pierce?

Tuition for fashion school.

Not photography school?

You caught me.

Uh... Maybe I'll just buy a car.

And you can just do that, huh?

Well, it helps that he's
kind of desperate and stupid.

Did you wanna be a good person right
now or did you wanna be with me?

Oh, there you are.

Thanks a lot, Pollyanna.

You made me hang out with Pierce
and his stepdaughter.

She's grifting him.
She's what?

She's taking a bunch
of money from him.

He thinks it's for school,
but it's for grifting.

Did you tell him?

It's not that simple.
It's not?

Oh, my... Jeff.

Gross. You're gross.

You did it with her?
Yeah, but not twice.

I wanted to do it twice.

That's gross.

You met her this morning.
You're faster than some bacteria.

Are you just doing this
because Slater hurt you?

What? No, I'm not hurt.

And Amber threw herself at me.

Well, you still have to tell Pierce that
she's taking advantage of him, don't you?

Well, when you think about it,
nobody's getting hurt.

Pierce is getting a daughter, Amber's
getting an allowance, I'm getting...

We already talked about it.
But don't forget this is Pierce.

He's a racist, homophobic old goof.

He does bad stuff all the time.

Well, it sounds like you've got it
all figured out,

so why are you talking to me
about it?

Because you're...

You know.

A decent person?
Maybe.

And you knew talking to me about it
would make you feel like a bad friend.

You wanted to feel like a bad friend
because you wanna be a good friend?

You really suck, you know that?

Mm, mm, mm! Go get you and your brother
some Ding Dongs and calm down.

Okay.

What's up?
Oh. Abed, did your family take off?

Yeah. Thanks for distracting my dad while
we helped Abra get back in her burka.

Well, if a young lady wants to go
in a bouncy house, she should go.

It was a noble thing you did.
Oh, I didn't do it.

No, it was Jordan and Elijah's idea.
They're good kids.

If they weren't,
they wouldn't help Abra.

I see why you were so excited
for me to meet them.

You should be proud of them.

You're a good mom.
Oh. Come on.

Hey, Mom. Look what I got.

Ding Dongs, my favorite.

Mm.
Ha-ha.

Pretty rough, huh?
Mm.

You were right.

Nana is a monster.
What did you say?

I said you were a monster, ma'am.

And you said Troy was right.

Get me a switch.

Okay.

Hey, stranger.

Wanna pick up where we left off

after I log some time
with Daddy Warbucks?

No, Amber. Uh...

I thought about it and what I want
is for you to tear up that check

and go dance with your stepdad.

Are you trying to get me
to cut you in?

You don't have leverage.

If I walk over there
and tell him everything,

guess who he'll forgive.

You, but I'd rather be the bad guy
than watch you siphon him.

How about this?

I walk away and if the check clears,
I won't make problems for you.

I'll stay gone.

Come back whenever you want,

but be good to him when you do
because I'll be around.

I'm his friend.

And you can be his stepdaughter,
or not.

Yeah.

I'll take the 25 grand.

Over him, I'd take 25 cents.

Bye.

Oh, Jeff. Heh.

Have you seen Amber?
Yeah.

Listen, Pierce. Uh...
I gotta tell you something.

She's not coming, is she?

I wrote her a pretty big check
this afternoon.

I had a feeling
she might take it and run.

You want me to help you cancel it?
Oh, hell, she earned it.

You're lucky, Jeff.
It's not too late for you.

Have a family. Share your life.

That and understanding computers
are two things

you just can't knock out
at the end.

Pierce, who did you call last week
after you farted on Vaughn?

Ha-ha. You.
And who did Abed call

after that squirrel
stole his hotdog?

Me.
That's sharing your life.

If you have friends, you have family.

Jeffrey.

Come here, son.

Are we hugging or dancing?

You know,
if the roles were reversed,

I would have had sex
with your ex-stepdaughter.

I did.

Chip off the old block.

It was either that
or deal with your actual pain.

What pain?

Twelve o'clock.

Oh, are you kidding me? l...

It's okay, it's okay.

Let it out.

We always used to watch the shows
she wanted to watch.

I hate Glee.
I'm not crazy about Glee, either.

I hate it.

I don't understand the appeal at all.

Why did we do this again?

We thought it looked fun.
Is your cell phone in your pocket?

Yeah, but I can't reach it.
I can only move my right arm.

Okay. There's money
already in there.

Slide your arm through that bottom
slot and press the button G-14.

When a snack is selected, the mechanical lever
that's holding it will be thrust forward,

thereby knocking your cell phone out of
your pocket and into the receptacle below.

We could pick it up and call for help.

Here we go.

Troy?

I think I hit G-13.