Community (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 15 - Romantic Expressionism - full transcript

Missed you at lunch today.
Did you slip out for a quickie with Prof. Hot Stuff?

Her name's Michelle
and how did you know?

There's a gold star on your fly.

Ah!
Heh.

You weren't kidding. You know it's nice to
have a girlfriend with a sense of humor

and one who recognizes good work.

See, that's G.
That's the most important chord.

In my mind, it...
It stands for God.

Why is Annie talking
to Micro-Nipples?

Vaughn? Whatever.

But not like a Bible God because
I think that God is in everything.



You're complicated.

♪ Annie ♪

♪ Annie, where you going today? ♪

Spanish class.

♪ Spanish ♪♪

You know what I don't get?

He never wears a shirt.
He never wears shoes.

Why hasn't he died
from lack of service?

You watching another movie
in your dorm tonight?

Kickpuncher starring Don "The
Demon" Donaldson as a cyborg cop

whose punches
have the power of kicks.

That sounds awful.

I'll bring the popcorn.
Cool.

Uh... You... You watch bad movies
on purpose?



Yeah, we make fun of them.
Hmm.

Shirley, don't embarrass yourself.
I'm sure they don't want to invite the housewife.

Actually, if she doesn't mind
reinforcing the stereotype,

I bet Shirley would have fun talking
smack in a movie. Care to join us?

Usually when a movie's bad, I stop
watching, but this sounds college-y.

What time do you want us there?

Pierce, you don't wanna watch
a cyborg movie in Abed's dorm.

You wanna lay in your twin bed
and think about what you used to be.

What, you think I'm too old to make
monkeyshines at a picture show?

Come on, I'm younger
than the three of you put together.

Hey, Britta.

You know, everyone talks about his
nipples, but his feet freak me out.

Britta.

Hey.
Hey.

Can I ask you something?
About Vaughn?

Oh, yes, I still don't know
if that's his first or last name.

Uh, heh. He's sweet, actually.

I mean, you must have thought so.

He has a sincerity
I found attractive in a simpler time.

Would you...? Um, I haven't...

We haven't... Anything.

I mean...
Wow, you and Vaughn?

Would it bug you?

Well, what about you and Troy?
Troy?

The other day after Spanish, I thought
he was trying to hold my hand

but he had just mistaken me
for Abed. Heh.

He'll never think of me that way.

Well, Annie, I would have to be a
villain to tell you who to date.

Which I am not.

Britta, thank you.

You're the coolest girl I've ever met.

Damn right, give me some fivesies.

Heh.
Whoo.

Turning it into a snake.

Oh, cool.

Hey, how's it going? Did you hear?

It's cute, Annie and Vaughn.
Get to the cute part.

She's into him.
She asked for my blessing.

And you gave it?
Yeah, I'm done with him.

Look, this isn't about you,
you groovy hipster.

It's about Annie.

We're like her Greendale parents,
you gotta say no to that stuff.

He's not that bad.

Yeah, not if you're 28
and you're fooling around with him.

She's 18. Her taste in men
is still being established.

Creepier and creepier dudes
will start thinking of her as an option.

And it all starts with Vaughn.
He's a gateway douche bag.

People collide, things happen.
It can't be controlled, right?

And that can be your toast at her
shotgun wedding to Star-Burns.

Oh, yeah, turn to your left.
Oh, now turn to your right.

Yes, we can see both of them.
It's like a constellation on your face.

Hey.
Oh, what's up, dude? Yeah.

That guy over there?
He's a douche bag.

Hey, guys.

I hope you don't mind I invited
Señor Chang, we're Netflix friends.

Oh, that's cool you're hanging out,
drinking beers with your students.

Yeah, clearly none of my other plans
fell through.

Let's get to the movie.

Wait... Oh, I'm sorry, Shirley.

I'll wait
if you wanna serve beverages.

You're going to be waiting
a long ass time.

Oh, FBI warning, I'm so scared.

Hey, that's not fair.
I didn't know we started.

It is the year 2006 A.D.

And nuclear war
has ravaged the planet.

I must have missed that.
Nice.

- between cities
is a free-fire zone,

ruled by scavengers,
drug dealers and terrorists.

Sounds like a Thanksgiving
at my house.

Troy, you're crazy, man.
Yeah, I know.

They just come to me.

You want to buy some megadope?
It gets you mega high.

Will it get me through this movie?

There she goes.
Shirley's in the house.

Freeze, police.

Freeze police? Don't do that,
they'll get cold. Ha-ha-ha.

Kickpuncher.

You've done so much for our city.

Kickpuncher, is there anything
that we can give you?

Yeah, two hours of my life back.

Ha-ha-ha.
Oh!

Don't call me Kickpuncher.

Call me David.

"Directed by Kim Yang."

Asian, can't direct, can't drive.

Dude, I'm right here.

Right there.

So. Clearly we're all a bunch of funny people.
When are we doing this again?

Well, actually, tomorrow we...
No.

We were all gonna get...
I wouldn't.

Right?

Tomorrow night, we're all
gonna get together and watch

Kickpuncher 2:
Codename Punchkicker.

Well, I was warming up tonight.

Tomorrow you better foam the runways
because I'm bringing my A game.

Awesome.

All right, so check it. It's just like
surfing without water. All right, your turn.

Get up there, come on.
Heh-heh. I'm...

♪ Annie's gonna ride ♪

Oh, my God.

♪ Annie's gonna ride the wave ♪

He's got her in some kind
of hippie collar.

I can hear her armpit hair
growing from here.

We've got to do something.

Okay, even if I agreed with you,
what are we gonna do?

Let's just center ourselves.
There it is.

We say we disapprove, we'll just drive her
further into his hemp-braceleted arms.

We need to be smart,
to need to hatch a scheme.

Hmm. Hatching schemes
is not really my wheelhouse.

Let's not confine ourselves
to your wheelhouse.

This problem won't respond
to tap dancing

or casual revelations that
you spent time in New York.

Okay, if you're gonna get Upper East
Side about this, I think we're done.

Hey, Winger, check out Annie.

Somebody just went to the top
of my to-do list.

Okay, we need to hatch a scheme.
Thank you.

It's all very simple.

In Annie's world, long before
Vaughn, she only had eyes for Troy.

So if Troy becomes a real option,

Annie will drop Vaughn
in a hippie's heartbeat.

Crash course in manipulation.

You don't actually tell the person
what you want them to do.

You help them realize
they want to do it

so it can't be traced back to you.

Hmm. Got it.

Chemistry, sexy.

You know what else is sexy?
Annie.

I know Chemistry is sexy,
but Annie? I don't see it.

Well, every other guy
on campus does.

You really don't see
how pretty Annie is?

Maybe it's because I knew her back in
high school before she dropped out.

She had braces and acne
and a pill addiction.

A nervous breakdown
ending with her running

through a plate glass door
screaming:

"Everyone's a robot."

I see what's happening here.

Troy, I want you to clear your head.
Done.

I'm gonna describe to you
a complete stranger

who happens who happens to be
in our study group.

Would you excuse us
for a moment?

Annie?

No kidding?

Come on,
you gotta be exaggerating.

Oh, man.

Ahem.
And she's Jewish?

I can't believe I didn't see that.

Well, I guess she deserves
another shot.

Oh, wait. Never mind, it's too late, I
heard she's hooking up with Vaughn.

Only to make you jealous.
What?

She's helplessly in love with you, she's
only with Vaughn to get your attention.

And you have to give it to her now,
right, Jeff?

Sure.

But the point is
we're not telling you what to do.

Oh, yeah,
you didn't hear it from us.

Boo-ya.

I have the weirdest boner.

I saw you die.

How can you be alive?

I guess it's just a bad day
for drug-dealing terrorists.

And a good day for Kickpuncher.

All right, guys, you hear that pause

after he says, "And a good day, ?"
What do you got for me there?

A good day
for a nutritious breakfast.

I don't get it.
It's a good day for a terrible movie.

A good day for hair products?

Oh, Buzz, how many times can you
keep going to go to that well?

Come on, guys, I'm starting
to wonder if you deserve

to call yourselves a community
college sketch comedy troupe.

I told you, on movie night I need to
blow these punks out of the water.

I need Phyllis Diller-grade stuff.

Wouldn't you rather just watch a movie
with your friends and have a good time?

What are you,
my third wife's therapist?

What if he said, "It's a good day for,"
And you said, "For being gay?"

You are a genius.

He likes gay jokes.

What?
I said we write great jokes.

Don't flatter yourselves.

Whoa.

Hey, Annie, it's me, Troy.

Oh, I don't know where Abed is.
I can try calling him if you want.

No, I'm not looking
for my other half.

I'm looking for you, girl.

Oh.

Yeah, let that sink in
for a second.

Mm.

You know, I never noticed
how beautiful you are.

Troy, you're being weird.

Sorry it took me so long.
They made me find a s-shirt.

Vaughn, you remember Troy.

Um, we went to high school together
and he's in my study group.

Hey, what's up, man? Hi, bro.
Heh.

I'm not your bro, bro.

Oh, well, actually,
everyone is my bro

in the whole entire universe
because everything is connected.

Rocks, eagles, hats.

Yeah, but some things
are more connected than others

like tarantulas
and me peeing my pants.

Or me and Annie.
What, wait.

Troy? What?

Tell him. Tell him that you've been
in love with me since high school.

What?

Wait a minute,
is that true, Mountain Flower?

No.

I mean... Ugh.

I never wanna lie to you.

So I will tell you, I did have feelings
for him but it's over, I swear.

You swear? Like Britta swore
that she didn't like Jeff.

Then gave him a copy of my poem so he could
laugh at me with that Sherri Shepherd lady?

It's happening again.

Your study group is evil.

And you don't deserve ice cream.

Well, he's a baby.
Now, where were we?

Ugh! I like him.
Why would you do that?

Come on, everybody knows you want
a cut of the T-Bone steak.

Ugh.
Jeff and Britta told me how you feel.

Wait. Jeff and Britta did what now?

Oh, you're even hotter
when you're angry.

Let's do this.

Red Shoe Diaries.

I think you know I have a thing
for butt stuff.

To Annie's inevitable breakup
with Grodie J. McConaughey.

And to her and Troy.

We did the right thing.
They belong together.

Plus, their babies will be so cute.

Why would you say that?
Come on.

You know that babies are extra cute
when the parents are...

Both cute?

Do you want kids?
We'll see.

Put on something nice
and find me after lunch.

Hey, guys. Thanks for getting
involved in my love life.

That was super cool and mature
of you.

Oh, and since
you're both clearly idiots,

I should probably let you know
that I'm being sarcastic.

Hey, guys, thanks for taking ugly
Annie out of the palm of my hand.

And turning her into yet another
hottie that will never get with me.

Hey, guys, thanks for eating
all the macaroni.

Shut up, Leonard, nobody even
knows what you're talking about.

I did eat all the macaroni.
It's messed up that he knows.

Let's light this candle.

Who's ready
for some Kickpunching?

Actually, we decided to watch Runaway instead.
Tom Selleck fights mechanical spiders.

What? No, no, you can't do that.

We just watched Kickpuncher,
we have to see Kickpuncher 2.

I have so many
unanswered questions.

No, I wanna watch Tom Selleck
fight mechanical spiders.

Yes.
Yeah.

My brother died on the set
of that movie.

One of the mechanical spiders just
went haywire and tore him to pieces.

And Tom Selleck just stood there.

He just stood there
and watched him die.

Okay, then,
let's watch your Kickpuncher 2 then.

Yeah. Okay.

Sorry for your loss.
Yeah. That's messed up, dude.

Kickpuncher 2.

My punches were only
as strong as my punches.

And then things changed.

Change?
Time to change the channel.

This guy's gonna be begging for change
if he keeps making movies this bad.

Heh-heh-heh. They should change
this movie to something good.

This movie stinks,
we better change its diaper. Heh.

That's change we can believe in.

Okay, obviously something strange
is happening here.

What do you mean?
I'm making jokes during a movie.

Yeah, but you're doing it
with the speed and determination

of the incomparable
Robin Williams.

Yeah.
Maybe I'm just that brilliant.

I think you came prepared.

Dude, even I know you're lame.

And I'm a tenured professor
sitting in a beanbag chair.

You're not a professor.
Shut up, man.

Fine, you got me.

I did a little advanced work.

Pathetic? No.
I'll tell you what's pathetic.

You all sitting here making fun
of other people's work.

You don't feel good about
yourselves

so you have to tear down
everything around you.

What's the matter?
Mama Chang didn't breastfeed?

She read in a book that
it wouldn't make a difference.

You all sicken me.

And I will no longer participate in
your destructive, negative behavior.

Pierce, that was deep.

And total BS.
Yeah, this isn't about us.

This is a deflection because
you can't get a genuine laugh.

Mm-hm.
That, in itself, is a laugh.

I know I'm funny
and I don't need

any of you people to validate me.
Hmm.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Biggest laugh of the night.

Yes, it was.
Totally.

Then I was going to say,
"It's a good day to be gay."

Annie.

We're sorry, we were worried
about your well-being.

I guess we feel
like we're sort of all a family.

And Jeff and I are like
your Greendale parents.

You're not my mom, Britta.
She would never wear boots that go up that high.

And what about respecting me
as an adult and as a friend?

Huh. You want to be treated
as an adult and a friend?

Try not dating your friend's ex-boyfriend.
Find your man.

Oh, my.
Oh, boy.

But you don't like Vaughn.

No, I don't, but I also don't like
seeing him with anyone else. Ta-da!

I asked you if you cared
and you said no.

Fine. I cared. I'm a girly girl. I like boys.
I don't like it when they're mean to me.

I don't like it when they stop kissing me and
start kissing my friends. I'm not that cool.

I'm not Juno, okay, homeslice?

This is what it was about for you?
You were jealous?

Oh, please, you can't tell me
that you weren't jealous

that Vaughn had his hands all over
your debatelmake-out partner.

What are you insinuating?
I took that kiss for the team.

What?

Yeah. That kiss wasn't for pleasure.
It was strategic and joyless.

What? Yeah.

You did get weirdly specific when
you were describing Annie's body.

More specific than the stuff
you told me about Britta?

What?

Does anyone get specific about me?
Check your e-mail.

I marked you as spam.
Who the hell is Pam?

When you guys first came in,

we were as wholesome and healthy as
the family in Brady Bunch.

And now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous
as the cast of The Brady Bunch.

I agree with Abed,
this is getting creepy.

No more creepy than
when Jeff wears tight jeans

and you say, "I'd like to slap
those buns on the grill."

What?
First, I don't talk like that.

Second of all, where I'm from,

it's perfectly normal for women to talk
about their male friends' backsides.

You don't see me saying anything crazy about,
uh, Abed and Troy's weird, little relationship.

They're just jealous.

All right. All right, maybe we're not a
family. Maybe it's more complicated.

Because unlike a real family,

there's nothing to stop any one of us
from looking at any of the others

as a sexual prospect.

Why are we even talking
about this?

Because you started having sex
with Britta's ex-boyfriend.

What? We haven't even kissed.

That doesn't mean
you're not having sex.

Vaughn told me he would take things
as slowly as I wanted.

He likes me for who I am
and I like him.

You guys hear that?

Annie.
Vaughn.

Britta.
Hi.

Old man river.
Eat me.

Did you get my messages?
No.

I threw my phone into the river.

I thought that, "You know, if I can't
be with her, who am I gonna call?"

And then I thought, you know, well,
my landlord and my sister and you.

Anyway, I've been doing
a lot of soul searching,

and this is something
I really need to say.

♪ I see you when you smile
And I want to sing a song ♪

♪ But then I write the words
And they always come out wrong ♪

♪ They come out wrong ♪

♪ I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes ♪

♪ But then the words get frozen
In my mouth like Eskimos ♪

♪ I like your nose ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Annie Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Annie's song ♪♪

His songs are dumber than he is.

Yeah, but they're honest.

I'll be right here.

Vaughn wants to show me a cloud
that looks like a pumpkin. Heh.

If that's okay.

Annie, it's more than okay.
Please date Vaughn.

Or anyone else
outside this creepy circle.

I wouldn't hang out with you guys
if you were creepy.

Trust me, I have good taste.

Oh, you smell like boysenberries.

So just to be clear,
I don't have a shot with any of you?

Ugh.
Oh, my God.

I'm dizzy.

I am Kickpuncher.

My cyber punches
have the power of kicks. Mm, mm.

I am Punchkicker, meet your match.

I love you, Kickpuncher.

The only thing
beyond the reach of my fists

is humanity.
Mm-mm.

You sure
Britta couldn't do your part?

Yeah, I asked
her, she wasn't available.

Let's go film the sex scene.