Community (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 11 - Politics of Human Sexuality - full transcript

So, I booked a sketch artist,
an improv troupe,

and a laser projecting
a burning pelvis onto the ceiling.

A laser? Well, this isn't
gonna be your mother's

sexually transmitted disease
awareness fair.

You've been quite
the little helper, Annie.

STD fair, guys. Catch knowledge.

You think you're better than me?
No.

You stick to quoting movie lines,
I'll stick to sports.

Trying to reduce my referencing.
Well, you're not moving into sports.

You and I are playing
real basketball, right now.

Sounds fun.
No, it doesn't.



And it won't be.

Catch knowledge.
Sorry, not interested

in ignoring your
very important cause.

Hi, I'm Jeff Winger.

Oh, Sabrina is my new secretary.

Secretary is a little
degrading to women.

I help the dean do office-y things.

Oh, gender saved.

My casual friend and I are gonna
have a non-romantic breakfast

if you'd like to join us.
Cafeteria's closed.

Fortune cookie?
Isn't it great?

Greendale is the latest campus to
catch a case of public-health fever.

You know the toilets in the women's
bathrooms don't have seats, right?

Because they keep getting stolen.
Sabrina, take a note.



I want hidden cameras
in every stall.

Problem solved.

"You will get AIDS."
Flip it over.

"Unless you go to the STD fair."

I wrote that.

Congratu... Horrible.

See you later.

Catch knowledge.

Jeff, you and I are friends, right?
Okay.

You may have noticed
a recent change in my demeanor.

I haven't.
Well, I have a new girlfriend.

She is super-smart,
if you know what I mean.

I always know what you mean.
Can't wait for you to meet her.

You know, when you
catch a big fish,

you wanna stuff her
and put her on the mantle.

How about tonight?
I doubt it.

Hey, guys, Jeff and I are double-dating
tonight with my new girlfriend.

Ooh!

You got that from "I doubt it"?

Pierce has got a girlfriend.

That's great. What does she do?

She's an escort.

Oh.

Some mysteries solve themselves.

No, no, no, that's just her profession.
She doesn't escort me.

No, no. I met her
in my Marketing class.

And I'm taking Doreen
to Annie's mixer tonight.

You mean the STD fair.
Catch knowledge.

Taking a call girl to an STD fair?
There's a joke here.

So, Jeff, dust off that black book
and rustle up a honey, huh?

Is there a pill that makes
the word "no" clearer?

Well, it is pretty short notice.
Probably couldn't get a date anyway.

Ooh.

I'm sure you're right.

Ooh.

Maybe it has something to do with crabs.
They're like a food but also a disease?

I wonder, Jeff,
for all your feather flashing,

when was the last time
you actually scored?

I don't know the precise date,
Pierce, because I'm not you.

So there's no receipt.

Ooh.
Ehh.

Oh, come on.

Shouldn't take pot shots at some
woman because you can't get a date.

I can get dates any time I want.

What is this, some kind of joke?
No, this is.

"Don't eat the crab dip." Yeah.

Ahh! You hear that, Annie?

That's the sound of
STDs screaming,

"No, stop being so aware of us."

And it's all thanks to you.

I was voted "most likely to succeed"
at my rehab clinic.

Well, in recognition
of all your hard work,

I have decided that you should
conduct the condom demonstration.

You're gonna be center stage
showing everyone

how to put a condom on a, uh...

Well, what my dad called
a Jimmy Carter.

Um, I don't know if
I'm the right person.

Don't worry. Not a real one.

No, it's an anatomically correct
model, you know.

But trust me, eyes closed,
you can't tell the difference.

Mmm. Okay.

Hey, it's Jeff Winger.

Well, I wanted to see
what you were doing tonight.

Do I know your name?

What kind of question is that?
Of course I know.

Well, if I answer now,

you'll never learn
a valuable lesson about trust,

Jennifer.

Crap. Ugh.

Pierce really got to you, huh?

It has been a dry spell. But it's been a
while since I've tried. So I'm trying.

Yeah, I can see that.
This is a lot of outgoing calls.

"Car Wash Redhead."

"Tube Top R.E.M. Concert."

"Juror Number 6."
That sounds above board.

At least you have "Mommy" in here.
That's not my mom.

Dude, not cool.

You saying "dude" is not cool.

What are you doing?

"Hot Blonde Spanish Class"?

You're welcome.

This is the phone book
of a man in his 20s.

The women literally have
no identities. It's pretty shallow.

You're right.

I can't believe I haven't
seen it before now.

Whatever. I'm gonna go
study with Shirley.

Well, I'll be here,
rethinking my way of life.

Mm.

Call "Mommy."

Guys, I have a problem.

The dean wants me to demonstrate
proper use of a condom

at the stupid fair, by putting one on
a mannequin's stupid thingamabob.

It's a big honor
but I'm gonna screw it up.

Well, it's easy enough to practice.
Britta, do you have a banana?

This is an anatomically correct model
I'll be handling.

Real whatchamacallits
are nothing like bananas.

Are they?

Have you never seen one?
Shh!

Annie, being a virgin in this day
and age is something to be proud of.

You're like a unicorn.

I'm not a unicorn.

I had relations with
my high school boyfriend.

We did it to Madonna's Erotica
on the floor of his walk-in closet.

But he wouldn't let me look at it.

He cried after and during.

He's gay now.

I think he was gay then.

So you never seen one
when you were growing up?

Like, you know, on the Internet,
in a picture, or Harvey Keitel's?

I've caught glimpses but I've never
got a real good look at one.

What I need to do is practice
on the actual model.

But the dean has it
locked in his office.

Okay, that's easy.
We'll go to him, ask him if we...

No. This is really embarrassing.
I don't want anyone to know.

I just wanna figure out how to do it
and get it over with.

The dean is counting on me,

and I want him to know
that I'm someone he can trust.

We have to break into his office.

I actually have no problem with that.
I think I could do that.

Oh, hello, Jeffrey.
Hi, Pierce.

I was just going into the fair
to wait for my smoking-hot date.

That's nice.
How about you?

Were you ever able to, you know,
come up with a date?

No, no, because I didn't try,

because taking a date
to an STD fair would be lame.

Don't worry about it, kid.
You're going through a dry spell.

From my experience, they don't last
any more than 12, 13 years.

Excuse me.

No gonorrhea,
please, please, please.

No gonorrhea.

Ow! It burns.

Oh! That's gonna hurt.
Gross.

Dean, your assistant, is she single?
What are her likes and dislikes?

Yes, on single.
She likes hip-hop and horses.

Dislikes beards and...
Yeah, I was done talking.

Is it me or are horses
the most beautiful creatures?

They're so majestic.
Totally.

Just this morning, when I was shaving
and listening to the new Jay-Z,

I was thinking how I wanna
squeeze in a gallop this weekend.

Do you own a horse?

Can you ever really own a horse?

Pierce.
Yeah?

This is Sabrina.

Thirty seconds
after you walked away,

I asked her to be my date
and she said yes.

You must have a great personality.
Thank you.

Congratulations, Jeff, you proved me wrong.
You got a girl.

Yeah, I did.
Oh.

This is Doreen.
Ready for our double-date?

Yes, I am.
Wait, how'd you do that?

Is this the best safe-sex fair
or what?

Ha-ha-ha!
Check out these condoms.

All along the side it says,
"Greendale."

Exclamation point, my idea.

Wow. Me, in a dune buggy, with syphilis.
This is going on the fridge.

Heh, heh. Look how gorgeous
Doreen is tonight.

Hey, can we...?

Let's lay out our plans
for the evening.

You wingman me, I wingman you.

Maybe we split up
for a little hoo-ha

and then meet in the morning
for eggs and details.

That sounds like the worst
combination plate ever.

Thanks.
Argh!

I can't believe you beat me again.

Do you want my stuffed animal?
Gah!

We're arm wrestling.

Like Stallone in Over the Top. I don't know the rules.
Don't I need a semi-truck and a son?

The rules are, "You suck." Let's go.

Uh, I wanna wait for a more inspiring
song. This score isn't right.

There we go.

Oh, my God.

You broke my hand, you bastard.

I can't do anything with this.

No, let me see that.

Oh, I can see through the door.

Oh, yeah, there she blows.

I wanna see, I wanna see.
Shh!

Okay, go, go, go. Go ahead.

I'm the one that needs to see.
Okay, okay, okay.

It's okay.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I had it wrong.

Is that considered large?

Oh, no.
Yes.

What in the reverse Porky's
is going on here?

You know, Doreen
speaks six languages.

You should hear her
order wine in French.

Hey, honey, say,
"cabernet sauvigonenon."

Pierce, you're embarrassing me.
You know a lot about wine?

Well, I did have a client
who owned a vineyard in Napa.

He was into S&M and merlot
so we called it S&M&M.

Honey, you're boring
the crap out of Jeff.

Be right back.
I have to make tinkles.

Well then, I'm gonna go
get us another round.

You know, you are not
what I expected.

You're smart, you're classy,
you're not wearing go-go boots.

They're in the shop.

You know,
despite what people think,

I actually spend
most of my time talking.

As men get older, they wanna
spend time with someone

they can have a real
conversation with.

That is going to suck.
"Going to," Jeff?

Come on, Sabrina's cute,

but she thinks that Monty Python
is the evil snake from Harry Potter.

Trust me, I know girls I can converse
with who are way more annoying.

I will take "tinkles" over
"we need to talk" every time.

Hey, babe.

Ready to show me that Lexus?

I thought you'd never ask.

Doreen, it was very nice
to meet you.

You can do better.

Here.

Oh, they already left?
What a couple of nincompoops.

Before I buy dinner, I have to ask.

Is there any lovemaking
on the table?

We're through, Pierce.

I'm gonna go to the bar
and you can join me if you'd like.

And we can still have
a lovely evening,

but it will cost you 200 bucks.

That is a pretty big discount.

I had no idea alcohol
would make people horny.

It makes me sleepy. I don't...

Dean?
Yeah.

We have a 597 currently
going on in your office.

597? There's a dog-fighting ring
in my office?

No.

Okay, I'm just gonna turn him around
and we're gonna cover him up.

Okay, ladies, I am shocked

at the reverse Porky's
that has happened here.

I don't see what the big deal is.
Annie needed to look at the model of the pen...

Okay, the P-word has
entered into play.

That's exactly why I wanted Gayle,
our school counselor here,

and Monique, who's keeping
record, to ensure

we discuss these sensitive topics
in a legally appropriate manner.

I think everyone should say "penis"

so we can take away the
negative power of the word, yeah?

So everybody.

Penis.
She didn't say it.

Now why did you break in
to see the penis?

Wow, I really do feel more
comfortable saying that now, Gayle.

I just wanna focus on the girl
who won't say "penis."

This is a judgment-free zone,
so express yourself.

You know what?

I don't want to express myself.

I don't wanna sit in a room
full of people and say the P-word.

I like being repressed.

I am totally comfortable being
uncomfortable with my sexuality.

And maybe, just maybe, if everyone
were a little more like me,

we wouldn't have to have
an STD fair.

You go, girl.
That's my pumpkin.

Mm-hm.

By the way, now that I've gotten
a good look at one,

I don't see what all the fuss
was about.

A giant thumb in a turtleneck.
Whoop-dee-doo!

You have a really awesome body.
You probably hear that all the time.

Not as much as I should.

Ohh. Professor.

What?

I'm not a professor.

But you're at Greendale
and you're old.

I'm a student.

Yikers.

Yeah. It's pretty much
yikers for me too.

Well, I guess I can make
an exception, professor.

You know, I can't do this.

What?

But this is your car.

Keep it.
But...

Yes, yes, yes.

How do you like those apples?

I don't like those apples.
I'm so upset.

It was just a fluke
I won those other games.

Troy.

Wow, this may be the only STD fair
to actually spread STDs. Ha, ha.

Shut up, Ben.

Condom water balloon fight!

What the hell?

Dude, these are leaking.

Ho-ho-ho! Oh, my God.

That's why you don't
print things on condoms.

Everyone's getting preggers
and it's all your fault.

Oh, man.

Troy, all the condoms are faulty.

As the best athlete on campus,
I need you to run to my office

and make an announcement
before everyone leaves.

Dean, I am not the best
athlete on campus.

Abed is.

I know you let me win the race.
But you didn't say anything.

That's because
I wanted it to be true.

You're a really good friend.
No, Abed.

You are.
For the love of God, run.

Okay.

Go, Abed, go.

Before people sex one another.

There he is.

Back already. Detail time?

I stopped.

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I mean, she's hot.

I think this place is sapping
my life force.

Oh, it's not Greendale, Jeff, it's you.
You're becoming more mature.

A man reaches a point in his life

where he stops looking for
a place to hang his underwear

and starts looking for a place
to hang his hat.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was waiting for that
to become inappropriate or racist.

What happened to Doreen?

Oh, uh,

she said if I wanted to continue,
I would have to pay.

Oh, man, that is rough.

No, it was a wake-up call.

Doreen is a very special lady.
I did not treat her right.

I have stuff to work on, you know?

You'll get there.

We're both gonna get there.

Here's to being better men.

Cheers.

So can I borrow 200 bucks?

Tell Doreen I say hi.

You know, for 220, I can get...

I'll give you 250 if
you don't finish telling me.

Now I can get it twice.

Ah, college.
Best years of our lives.

Oop.

Attention, Greendale students.

Don't use the condoms.

If you're going to have sex tonight,
don't use condoms.

"The characteristic of an acid
to donate or accept a proton"

cannot be quantified
for individual species.

Comparing two
donor-acceptor systems,

"the proton transposition
HA plus H2O..."

Abed?
Yeah, Troy?

Can you get me a glass of water?

Sure.

Thank you, Abed.