Community (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 10 - Environmental Science - full transcript

Jeff hangs out with Senor Chang to get out of an essay, angering the rest of the group. Meanwhile, Abed and Troy search for their missing lab mouse, and Pierce helps Shirley out with a presentation.

Okay, you can hear me? Okay.

Good morning. I'm here to kick off
the first day of a new tradition

at our school called Green Week.


First, we give a month to black
history, now seven days on the Irish.

All this week, Greendale College
is becoming so Earth-smart

that we're changing our name
to Envirodale.

But we were already
called Greendale.


Well, there's also going to be
a free rock 'n' roll concert

by a certain band
called Green Day.

That make you happy?

No, not really.

We need to re-do these.

We printed 5000.

Well, print 5000 more.
I'm trying to save a planet here.

Pencils down.


I wasn't...

I want you all to write
a one-page essay, in Espa?ol

entitled, "Annie's Mistake."

Why doesn't Annie
have to write it?

Okay, two pages, entitled:

"The Consequences
of Questioning Authority."

This is Spanish 101.
I know how to say "hello," "tomorrow"

and tables are female.
That's the only Spanish you taught us.

Oh! Six pages on ignorance.

Guys, put your hands down.

Se?or Chang, please continue.
We respect your authority.

Thank you, Britta.
Twenty pages on ass kissing.

Due on Monday.

This Monday?

If Se?or Chang gets any crazier,
he's gonna win the Grammy award.

I've already reported him
to the dean.

He said they've been trying to fire him
for years but nobody wants his job.

I can't write a 20-page paper.
I got a presentation in Marketing.

And public speaking gives me
the nervous sweats.

I can help you with that.
I accept.

That's how messed up
things are.

Well, we're screwed too.

We're three days behind
on a Biology lab.

Troy's afraid of...

I'm not afraid, Abed.

I choose not to be around rats
because they are unpopular.

Same goes for centipedes and lakes.
There's only one solution.

Someone has to go to Chang
and talk to him.

I vote we all look at Jeff
at the same time.

In a way, all of you are right.

What was I tuning out?

You have to get Chang to
call off this homework.

You're the one with the silver tongue.
Yeah, go tongue Chang.

What makes you think
I could convince Chang

if I can't even convince you
not to make me do it?

Jeff does raise a good point.

Wait. You are convincing.

You could do it.

You want me to risk the C that
I'm pulling in that psycho's class

by putting myself on his radar?

I mean, that guy goes any more nuts,
he's gonna win a Grammy.

You are hilarious.
That's very funny.

What is it, the chair?

How do you gonna keep pulling
a C in that psycho's class

if he keeps assigning
this much work?

Because I have you guys.

Well, guess what,
handsome hobo?

Your gravy train's
leaving the station.

Ignore what she's doing.
We are serious.

Fine, I'll do it.

But when you find my body,
don't believe the suicide note.

This better not awaken
anything in me.

Green Day is here.


Okay, what's this about now?

We're Greene Daeye.

Thank you. Oh.

What do you want, Winger?

You complaining about the
homework on behalf of the class?

Can I ask you a personal question,
Se?or Chang?

Okay, Freud.

Sure, you try to penetrate
my psychological armor and you...

Did your wife leave you?

How'd you know?

Well, when you pick juries,
you learn to read the little stuff.

Same shirt twice in one week.

Teaching us the word esposa
means "liar."

A picture of you with a woman
with a Post-it note dialogue balloon

above her head that says,
"Enjoy it while it lasts."

We met at a salsa club.

And, um,
she loved the way I danced.

But, I mean, you know how it goes.
You get a job...

You stop salsa dancing.
Of course I know.

You make no mistake
about this, Winger.

I pleasured that woman greatly.

Yeah. You look like you would have to.
I'm not surprised you said that.

I like you, Winger.

Pickled bull testicle?

Are you offering or collecting?

Troy, sing.

The assignment is to train a rat
to a song.

Yeah. Did you have to pick a duet?

He did it. Good boy, Fievel.
Commencing reward.

I have to open the cage.

Yeah, you don't have to warn me,
I'm not afraid.


Everybody shut up.

I'll kick all your asses,
but you all have to come up here.

Dude, you are gonna be fine.
You just have to move on.

And if you hang out with me

you will see how great
single life can be.


What about tonight?


Oh, shoot.

My Spanish study group
has to get together every night now.

You have been really
letting us have it with this homework.

I really have, haven't I?

Tell you what. For my new buddy,
Jeff, essay cancelled. Shh-clacky.

Fantastic. That is fantastic.
Everybody will be so happy.

Oh-oh-oh. I didn't say everybody.
It's for my new friend Jeff.

I mean, you're the one coming out
with me, right?

Right. Yeah.

I suppose that will put you in an
unenviable, uncomfortable position.

Here's your jacket. Let's do this.
Awesome, great.

Is there a rat in here?

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

El Tigre.

Well, did you talk to Chang?
Yeah, but it didn't do any good.

My still head hurts from the yelling.

My pupils are more sensitive to light
because he yelled at me so much.

Oh, well, now I feel bad
that we made you do that.

Maybe we can help with your essay.
Oh, that's okay.

I'm working on mine by myself.

You could do my homework
next time.

See you in class.

He's hiding something.

Britta, Jeff suffered for us.
Give him a little credit.

Yeah. You can be pretty cold.


Here comes Abed. He needs my help.
I gotta get out of here.


You guys seen a rat? Troy knocked
over Fievel's cage and he escaped.

Oh, Abed, I'm sorry.

He probably found more rats
and is very happy living with them.

Try to join the rest of us
in reality, Britta.

I believe that, uh, fusing brownies
with the, uh, Internet

is going to create the next Napster
for brownies.


Can't I just write it on cards?


Do you know anybody
who reads from cards?

No, you don't, and that's why.

Also, you might consider
a darker top.

Note taken.

Oh, and don't lock your knees.
Never lock your knees.

You know what happens when you
lock your knees? You die.

Second, when you wanna drive home
a point, hand them a sandwich.

Try it. Hand them
a sandwich. See?

Hand them a sandwich.

Except that you're...
You just dropped the sandwich

as opposed to handing it to them.
Handing the palm.

Yeah. Try attention-grabbing words
to wake up the audience, such as:

Multiple orgasm.

Oh, no, no. I don't think
that would fit into my message.

Maybe we should focus more on...

Yeah, and about these
filler words of yours.

I mean,
nobody wants to buy brownies

from somebody that says
"um" and "like."

I have a method for fixing that.
From the top.


These brownies are, uh...

They, um...

These brownies are delicious.

They taste like...

That's not a filler word.
Whatever, valley girl.

The difference between usted and tu
is a matter of formality.

You are old.

You are ugly.

No, you're not.
Thanks, sir.



What's up?

You are dirty.

Still formal but plural

because while both are dirty,
neither are my friends.


And on another subject, hope you guys
are working hard on your essays.

That's gonna be 30 percent
of your grade.

Oh, no.

Jeff already turned in his essay.

Great job.

As soon as you turn
in your essays on Monday,

there's gonna be a big-ass quiz,
so study hard.

Class dismissed.


Crazy night last night, man.
That was crazy.

When you go out with me,
it gets crazy.

That's the Winger guarantee.

Dude, let's do it again.

Yeah, I want to,
it's just the quiz, you know?

Study, study.

Well, how about this:

Bling. A-plus. Nice work, Winger.

I knew I could do it
if I applied myself.

Cherry daiquiri.
Cherry daiquiri.

You devious clump

of overpriced fabric
and hair product.

Speaking as one of the meek, soon
as I inherit the Earth, you dead.

You got a weird forehead.
We're all very disappointed.

All right, dial it back a little, Britta.

If anyone should be disappointed,
it's me.

What kind of a group threatens to kick
someone out unless he helps them?

What kind of a person is asked to help
other people and then helps himself?

Helps himself?

I don't like being talked to that way.

He's using fake outrage
to justify leaving.

Fake outrage? Justify my...?

Yeah, that's it, I'm out of here.

Are you breaking up with the group?
That's what you guys want.

I've been divorced seven times.

Don't answer your phones and
bury all your money in the backyard.

Here you go. Look at Pierce's
paragraph from unit two.

Let's see,
"I took a computer class at

tienda de manzana,"
the Apple Store.

Keep going.

"And the saleswoman
had manzanas gigantes. " Ruined it.

Imagine being married to him?
Seven times.

Seven different women agreed
to marry that guy.

It's crazy.

I'm so alone.

I'm so lonely I wanna die.

Come on, man. It...
Come on. Don't do that.

I just miss her so much.

I'm sorry. This is so stupid.
No, no, no, it's fine, it's just...

Buddy, you know...
I'm dumb.

I can see that you're hurting
but I have to get to Accounting.

It's not like I'm hitting strip clubs
with Professor Whitman.

You better not be.

All I ask is for you to keep filling
the void in my soul.

I'll have to
think of something.

Let me rest gently on your pecs.

Best closer to a presentation,
a Nicholson quote.

You take a phrase from one of his films
and you tailor it to your product.

You can't handle a moist towelette.
Something like that, you know.

But you can't use that one.
That's mine.

Thanks, Pierce.

I'm gonna write it on some cards.

Just don't let anybody know
I was involved.

Why do you care so much?

I don't.

Because Fievel's going to die.
I'd rather die than listen.

Who's going to die?

The exterminator is coming
because of our rat.

I'd like to exterminate
this conversation.

What are you doing?

He's sitting in Jeff's chair
so he's trying to act like Jeff.

Oh! Oh.


I thought you might wanna help me.
We are friends.

Abed, take it
from a former prom king.

Real friends help me with things,
not vice versa.

I would face my fears
to help you.

Exactly. Because you're my friend.

Am I?


If he gets any nuttier,
they're gonna put him on The View.

That works. Yeah.

What are we gonna do?
We're gonna study. Ah!





Okay, thank you.

Green Week was a rousing success
here at Greendale.

And now for our band, Greene Daeye.
They're not the real Green Day.

Thought we should just rip
that Band-Aid off quickly. Okay.

Hey. What's up?

Just got your text, man.
Wanna hang out?

Because if you don't, I will fail you.

Actually, I had an idea
for an extra-credit project.

We've been asked to dedicate
our first song

to "Se?or and Se?ora Chang."

She said she didn't wanna
talk to me.

I didn't tell her you wanted to talk.

"The estimation of market value
of brownies has..."

"I, uh... Target group..."

Ms. Bennett, I'm afraid I have
to ask you to put down the cards.

Uh... l... Uh...

They are wonderful.

We all love brownies.
They're delicious.

If you love brownies, you love life.

Orgasmically delicious.

Here's Brownie.

God, he's on my leg!

He's on my leg!


Thank you.

What's Chang doing?

He's getting a refill
on his void.

I got an A on my presentation
and a lot of the credit goes to Pierce.

And I had a great sandwich.

We found the stupid rat and
Abed's gonna shut up about it.

It's true.

I have something to say.

I've been a horrible husband
and I've been a horrible teacher.

And I'd like to thank my student,
Jeff Winger, for showing me that

and helping me fix my marriage.

No more 20-page essays
due on Monday.

Oh, that's nice.
Thank you.

Although, Winger, you should write
a one-page essay called:

"Taking Advantage
of the Emotionally Vulnerable."


You did that for us?

Mm. Kind of.

I thought hanging out with you guys
was the worst way to pass Spanish.

I was wrong.
Well, we're the best.

Jeff, I'm sorry I called you
a handsome hobo.

If you need help with that essay,
you can rejoin the group.


What are you guys talking to me for?
You go dance.

I know your secret.
I know about the chair.

Whoa. What model
did you get?

It's the Tsunami 3000
Anniversary Edition. You?

The Devil's Drench XJ11.
This is gonna be awesome.

Establish base camps.
What part of the library do you want?

North east is closest to the
drinking fountain, which is the...

All right, guys,
are we gonna do this thing?

Pierce, I hope that's the tiny gun
that you throw at us to confuse us

while you grab the giant gun
taped to your back.

Seriously, this hardly
seems like a fair fight. Ah!

Oh, it's pepper water.
Oh, it's pep...

Who puts pepper in water?