Comic Book Men (2012–…): Season 5, Episode 11 - Insta-Ming - full transcript

Would you rather be the captain

of the "Millennium Falcon"
or the "Starship Enterprise"?

Well, Han was a smuggler,

so that's what the Millennium Falcon
was built for, right?

- Right.
- It's a smuggling ship

And the other one was built
to fly around and do what?

Be boring. [all laugh]

Well, go where no man has gone before.

- That's kind of cool.
- Yeah, but come on, man.

There's just too many
rules and regulations

that come with commanding a starship.



I would actually want to be captain

of the Millennium Falcon, and, you know,

not have to answer to the Federation.

Got yourself a rebel right here, man.

[all laugh]

There is one rule I would implement

on the Millennium Falcon.

- Yes.
- Chewbacca has to wear clothes.

No more of this just
running around naked,

you know, leaving Chewbacca balls

all over the seats.

What kind of rebels are we now?

That's like saying if you
brought your dog with you

you're like, "Put some pants on him."



[all laugh]

[heroic music]

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

Hello, and welcome to another episode

of "Comic Book Men,"

the only show that pleasures itself

with a Vibranium vibrator.

I'm Kevin Smith.

- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.

- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.

Okay, man.

What was the hat trick of this week.

Something came in that is
at the top of the list now

as the hottest book.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, how you doing?

Looking to sell my
"Batman Adventures" 12.

Oh, whoa!

First appearance of Harley Quinn.

Oh, man.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- This is the hottest book?
- Yeah.

It's the first
appearance of Harley Quinn

in comic book form.

What's her real first appearance?

- The animated series, correct?
- Correct.

Right now, she's numero uno.

There is a bandwagon to be jumped on.

Yeah, some might say there's
definitely a bandwagon.

You know who was on the
bandwagon before anybody?

- Who's that?
- This guy right here.

Yeah.

Kevin was even going so much as to
naming his daughter Harley Quinn.

Yeah.

If there's one guy who doesn't have
to get off the bandwagon, it's him,

and I'm not just saying that
'cause he signs my check.

- No, no, you're 100% correct.
- Battling against me.

Let me get that brown off your nose.

Hold on.

Leave it on!

Harley Quinn the character
has just exploded.

She's eclipsed Batman and
the Joker at this point.

She's the biggest selling book at DC.

It's taken off.

Character has been around since '92.

When I named my daughter Harley Quinn

16 years ago, I'd say,

"Hey, my daughter's name is
Harley," and they'd be like,

"Oh, you ride, man? You ride?"

I'd have to be like,

"No, it's the Joker's
sidekick and stuff."

Yeah! Bam! "Oh!"

[all laugh]

What defies the odds

in becoming one of
the hottest characters

in comics is the fact
that she's a villain,

Most of the time, the
villains, you know, I mean,

they can get popular, but usually,

they don't get their own book

or splashed on every
piece of merchandise

that's out there. I mean,
anything and everything

has a Harley Quinn picture on it now.

I think part of it is the outfit.

She has a variety of different outfits.

There's a leather outfit.
She has a nurse outfit.

Which outfit do you prefer?

I think I like the leather outfit.

It kinda looks like...
Sort of, like, bondage.

- Bondage.
- And, like, a corset.

- Kinky.
- Yeah.

- Stupid question, huh?
- No.

[all laugh]

Which Harley Quinn do you prefer?

The classic Harley Quinn

or the heroine chic Harley Quinn?

I gotta be honest with ya,

and this is where I show my age

and where I feel like an old man.

I like her in the full leotard

the way she was
introduced in the cartoon.

The first time I saw her
in the kind of, you know,

skimpier outfits and stuff,

I was like, "This is not for children!"

[all chuckle]

So why are you looking to sell it?

I don't think it's hit
its apex yet, has it?

- No, I don't believe so either.
- So why now then?

I'm looking to buy my girlfriend

an exotic kitten.

An exotic kitten.

It's like a mix between a bulldog,

pug and a cat.

Fat, lazy, no ears.

- So she wants a grumpy cat?
- Basically.

And what does a grumpy
cat go for at this point.

Probably runs about $1,000.

- $1,000.
- Yeah.

For a kitten? Who am I to judge.

Last year, I spent $3,000 on a dog.

- But he's not grumpy.
- [all laugh]

I don't need a cat. I look over at him.

- I know.
- We got grumpy Bryan over here.

- Grumpy Bry.
- Yeah.

Oh, all right.

How much are you
looking to get for this?

- $1,000.
- $1,000.

It's enough to buy the cat.

That's tough.

I don't think I could go that high.

Would you take $600.

[sighs] That's a lot for that book.

$950.

[tense music]

$650.

[sighs] I don't know.

I don't think I could do it.

- $700.
- Would you do $900?

I can't go any higher than $700.

I mean, the only reason
I'm even considering $700

is because it's nuclear.

- Might have to pass.
- Really?

Kitten will have to wait.

So when you go home
and tell your girlfriend

"No cat and turned
down $700 for a comic,"

she's gonna be happy to hear that?

No.

I have the smartest boyfriend ever.

[all laugh]

- Oh, wow!
- It's tough.

- Best of luck, though.
- Thank you very much.

- Have a good day.
- Thanks.

I got a run of the first few issues

of "Fangoria" magazine.

Oh, that is badass.

Ming, I want to show you
the coolest space figures

that ever was.

What are you doing?

Smile. Look over and smile.

- No! What are you doing?
- [camera clicks]

- I'm taking a selfie.
- [camera clicks]

Just trying to get a
couple more followers.

I'm almost at 58,000.

I get 300 more, I'll be right up there.

So take one of yourself
then. I'm working.

[camera clicks]

I have never met anybody
who is so fascinated

with any trend or
bandwagon. He's right there.

Yeah, man. I'm with it.

So recently, I acquired
something that's been

sweeping the country.

An item that has given me the
ultimate freedom I believe.

- The selfie stick.
- The ultimate freedom?

[both laugh]

It sounds like a tampon commercial.

[all laugh]

[fast-paced bass]

Hey, how you doing?

Hey, good. Do you guys buy monster mags?

Yeah, sure. What do you got?

Well, I got a run of
the first few issues

of "Fangoria" magazine.

I remember these.
Remember "Fangoria," Mike?

Of course.

♪ ♪

All right, so let's see
what issues you got here.

You got a 1, 2, 3, no 4.

We got a 5, a 6, and an 8. Okay.

This is the issue where
it really got its footing

as a horror mag.

How do you look at this magazine,

see this image, and go,

"I don't want to see a
movie called 'Zombie'"?

It gives you such
hope, right? [all laugh]

Some early "Fangos"
came through the door.

Fango, kids. That's the lingo.

That's a true "Fangoria" fan, man.

Only your mom called it "Fangaria"

or something like that. [all laugh]

Where'd you get 'em all?

I've been seriously collecting
since I was, like, 13.

I'm huge monster guy. I love horror.

Obviously, I love "Fangoria."

I believe it was issue 20,
I discovered "Fangoria."

I fell in love with it. I
was like, "I'm gonna go back.

I'm gonna buy all the 'Fangorias.'"

Then I saw prices for issue
9. It was like 50 bucks.

That's the rarest one.

My mom would never allow me
to pay 50 bucks for a magazine.

- What about today?
- I think she would.

[all laugh]

I loved "Fangoria" as a kid.

It was porn if you loved horror movies.

Now you can go online and
you can look this stuff up

in a second, but this at that point

was the only place to go for it, man.

So when it came to the newsstand,

or if you were a lucky rich
kid and you get a subscription,

you were in the know!

You could sit and hold court
in the classroom about, like,

"You know what's coming?
'Halloween 2.'"

They're like, "What? How is he alive?"

[all laugh]

I don't remember this
movie. "Arabian Adventure"?

It's just a Christopher Lee movie.
I think they just wanted

to get Christopher Lee on the cover.

- Aw! "Prophecy"?
- ManBearPig from "Prophecy."

- The BearPig?
- ManBearPig.

Yeah. That's Talia Shire, right?

- Yeah.
- That was her second best role.

Really, not "Godfather," not "Rocky."

[laughs] Second! I said second!

I'm leaving you guessing
which one number one is.

All right.

So we're thinking that
she's better in "Prophecy"

than "Godfather" or "Rocky."

[laughter]

Um, what are you looking to get for 'em.

- 50 bucks apiece.
- Six times five, that's 300.

- 300 bucks?
- 300, yeah.

That's a little high, don't you think?

Did you look these up lately.

- We got wiggle room.
- Okay.

If I were to go online,

I'm sure we could find these
for, like, 20 bucks a pop.

Maybe not number 1. Maybe number 1.

Honestly, I believe we
could sell number 1 here.

I think we can get $30
for this, maybe $15 each,

or I don't know how much
this one's going for.

You know, the "Zombie" cover.

I think you could probably
get $50 for number 1.

- In that condition?
- This is maybe a "fine".

This has got some smudging on the...

It does have some issues.

Uh, that's gonna be a tough sell.

I mean, I'm looking in
the area of 40 bucks.

- For the lot?
- For the lot, yeah.

Um, I could maybe go 20 apiece.

I think I could do $60 for the lot then.

Okay, all right. I understand, I mean...

You know, considering what
I'm gonna sell 'em for,

I don't think I'm
gonna get anywhere near

what you're asking for.

Um, I... I'll probably
hang onto them then

and just try to trade 'em for
other issues that I don't have.

Okay. Thanks for bringing 'em in, man.

Of course, yeah, no.

It was cool to see these again.

Yeah, I appreciate talking to you guys.

All right, man. Have a great day.

- All right.
- Take it easy, man.

I got some Flash Gordon
1979 action figures.

Holy mackerel!

I've never seen these before.

The only way you can get
"NeverEnding Story" figures...

- Are these.
- Is on the black market.

Exactly.

You got your horror movies,
you got your thrillers,

but you got that subcategory
that means the most:

splatter movies, man.

Favorite splatter movie.
For me, hands down,

gotta be "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"

Toby Hooper goes, "You know
what? "I'm just gonna get graphic.

"I'ma put it in Texas,

"and I'm gonna make it just a mind trip.

This family's gonna be nothing
you've ever seen before."

It's still a terrifying
movie. What about you?

I'm gonna go with the John
Carpenter's "The Thing."

Nice pull, man.

When the creature's morphing
out of the human remains.

You know, the spider head, uh...

Spider head... Imagine you're a kid

and, like, they show you
a head getting ripped off,

and you're like, "Well,
that's fantastic."

Then all of a sudden,
legs pop out of the head,

and it gets up and
walks away like a spider,

and they're trying to flame-throw it.

John Carpenter owned us with that.

What about you, Ming? Favorite splatter.

I'm gonna be honest with you;
I don't know if I have one.

These one's that you tough
boys have been watching.

Tough boys! Awe, man.

You made me feel macho, dude.

[all laugh]

So the action figure sales are up.

Okay.

The Injustice, those high-end figures,

they've been holding steady too.

Good. Good to hear.

Uh, trade paperback
sales are up at least 23%.

- Price gouge coming out...
- What are you doing?

- Just keep working.
- [camera clicks]

Ming, stop! You're
like a 15-year-old girl.

Now knock it off.

Great, could you just
look up again, Mike.

- Perfect. Thanks.
- Imbecile.

- It's now affecting your work.
- How so?

How so? All you're concerned with is...

- You're not working.
- [all laugh]

Well, then I'm using
it to promote the store.

Explain to us how you taking a picture

of yourself, grinning ear to ear

like some sort acid-laden gibbon

and telling me how that
helps you promote the store?

I'll tell you, that came from deep.

I've known the dude over 25 years.

Never heard him call
anybody an acid-laden gibbon.

[fast-paced rock]

♪ ♪

[register clicks]

All right, have a great day, guys.

- Thanks, you too.
- All right. Hey.

- Hi, how ya doing?
- All right.

I got some Flash Gordon 1979,

the animated series, action figures.

Remember this? Filmation, baby.

- Oh, yeah.
- Huh? Ming.

I wanna show you the coolest
space figures that ever was.

'Cause it's not "Star
Wars." It's not "Star Trek."

It's right there. It's this guy.

Your daddy's space hero: Flash Gordon.

And by daddy, he means granddaddy.

[all laugh]

I imagine you hear "Flash Gordon."

What do you think?
You just think, like...

- Well, you know what he thinks.
- Yeah, come on.

- "Ming the Merciless! Der!"
- Come on!

Is he in... oh! There he is!

Eh? How come you don't grow
out your facial hair like that?

- I can't grow facial hair.
- [Walt laughs]

If I could, I would
totally rock this look.

Mike, if you were a good enough friend,

you should shave all your body hair

and donate it to Ming

and just let him glue it to his face.

Glue it on?

Or take it from the top of your head.

And all of a sudden,

he's Ming and you're Zarkov. [all laugh]

Who else you got in here?

Oh! Wha... wh...

[all laugh]

I have that exact same skirt.

I mean, this is some of the
coolest cast of characters

that were ever created.

It has everything. It's got romance.

It's got intrigue. It's got action.

It's got some of the
most dastardly villains

that ever were.

Darth Vader is a peon
compared to Ming the Merciless.

Why hasn't J.J. Abrams
done a new radio serial...

[all laugh] Of Flash Gordon.

I maintain without Flash Gordon,

you don't have a Luke Skywalker today.

You're absolutely right about that.

George Lucas would be
the first to tell ya

Flash Gordon serials,

that's what he was approximating,

but instead he innovated

and created a whole
different mythology that,

if you look at "Flash
Gordon" and "Star Wars,"

you can't even see the connections,

other than, like, space, weird planets,

animals, evil lords,

which I guess is
everything in "Star Wars,"

now that I think about it.

"Boy, they owe Flash
Gordon some money, man.

[all laugh]

Where did you get these?

Oh, back in K-Mart in the
day, back when I was 13.

I ended up getting the whole collection.

So you're looking to sell these today?

Yep, I'd like to get some extra money

to take my wife to Las Vegas.

Mm, yeah, okay.

Well, what are you
looking to get for it?

- $75 I was hoping.
- $75, huh?

I wanna cover my tolls
as well as my gas.

[all laugh]

Eight Flash Gordon
figures, but they're loose.

They're loose.

Any chance you'd take $40?

How 'bout, uh, $60?

I mean, you know, I could do $60.

Okay.

[cash register whirring]

All right, man, put
it all on black for me.

- All right?
- Thank you very much.

- All right, see yous later.
- Good luck.

Good luck.

Forget the figures.

To me, I'll bet you

this is the rarest thing
that has ever come...

Like, how many space
cases are still around?

Maybe we hit the jackpot.

Just stumbled into a gold mine.

Cha-ching!

Very unlikely, no.

[laughter]

Mexican bootleg figures
from "The NeverEnding Story."

Oh, my god. I've never
seen these before.

If you guys were to be put
in prison for some reason

and your cellmate is a supervillain,

who's the supervillain you go with?

I would want to go with
someone like the Mole Man.

- The... the blind guy who lived...
- Yeah, the squat guy.

You know, miles under the ground?

- Yeah.
- Well, he could...

'Cause he digs down
and then you can escape?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd be
like "The Great Escape."

Let's say some of the other
super toughs in prison,

you know, they see
fresh meat, fresh fish.

- I... that's what they say, right?
- They do say it, yeah.

- Yeah.
- Old fishy Mike.

[laughter]

I'm picking some... An alien, because...

You know, somebody who's not interested

in any kind of like "Oz" stuff.

- So I'm gonna go Brainiac.
- Okay.

You know, he's not physically going to

overpower me, you know what I'm saying?

- Right.
- You know where I'm going?

Like Mole Man would overpower Mike?

What do you got?

General Zod from Superman.

He's got all the powers of Superman,

and he... he'd protect me.

You're making it too easy, though.

Yeah, it's a no-brainer. Yeah.

Do you want me to kneel, Zod?

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

Hey, how you doing, fellas?

- Good how are you today?
- What can we do for you today?

Well, I brought in
something fairly unique

I wanted to show you, see
if you're interested in.

Okay.

These are Mexican bootleg figures

from the 1984 film
"The NeverEnding Story:"

the Rockbiter, Falkor, the G'mork,

Bastian, Atreyu,

and the signature piece, The Auryn.

Oh, my god. I've never
seen these before.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- You guys are into this flick?
- This was our childhood.

I mean, everyone's got
that signature movie.

We watched this movie
over and over again.

Oh, yeah.

Did they do legit figures that
were released in America or...

No.

The only way you can get
"NeverEnding story" figures...

Are these.

- Is on the black market.
- Exactly.

Bootleg figures that
were just made in Mexico,

so that's what makes them special.

Really? Contraband "NeverEnding Story"?

Have you ever seen
"NeverEnding Story" figures?

Never. I've...

No, I don't think they did a toy line.

So what, somebody in
another country was like,

"This is needed," and made their own?

They muled 'em over the border.

[laughter]

So why you looking to sell 'em now?

Well, I'm getting into G.I. Joes,

specifically preproduction.

And I mean, that's my passion,

so I'm looking for some extra money

to, you know, finance that.

Okay, you're look... So you're looking

to get preproduction G.I. Joes.

Like they're... they
go for money, right?

Oh, they go for a hefty sum.

Goofy fast.

So, uh, what... what do...

What do you need for these figures?

I mean, what do they go for today?

Well, you know, I've seen
'em go for $100 apiece.

- I know that's...
- Wow.

I think a fair offer would be 400 bucks.

- $400 for all of 'em, huh?
- Yeah.

Any chance you'd take $200 for the lot?

- [camera shutter clicks]
- Oh, absolutely not.

I'm sorry.

I mean, I know you
got to make some money,

but I couldn't do $200.

Uh, I'm sorry. Where was I at now?

He actually pulled it out while
I'm trying to conduct business,

you know, negotiating a deal.

You're talking about
the selfie stick still.

[laughter]

He's making me, you know,
lose my concentration.

You know, in the art of the
deal, it's like high stakes poker.

I think I was well out of the way.

Do you see cameramen on the field

filming athletes while
they're performing?

No, they're on the sidelines.

They're not in the athlete's way

when they're trying to get the job done.

Yeah, come on. Leave this athlete alone.

[laughter]

Um, where was I at now?

- Uh, you s...
- What'd you throw it out at?

You were at $350. No, I'm joking.

You were at $200. I said $350.

You said $350, countered with $350, huh?

I could do $250, but I think

that's really all I can
really invest in 'em.

I'm not entirely sure
that I have... you know,

and have somebody gonna come
in that's gonna want these.

I mean, $250's the best I can do.

What do you think?

Yeah, I got to stay at $350. I'm sorry.

All right, well, thanks
for bringing 'em in.

I'm sorry.

No, that's understandable.
That's all right.

- It was neat seeing 'em.
- Yeah.

Appreciate your time. Thanks a lot.

Background in color here. And, uh...

No problem. [laughter]

All right, guys.

A no sale on the
"NeverEnding Story" figures.

Look at the disappointment
on Bryan Johnson's face.

Tell everybody what happened.

- Get close up and personal.
- Here. Here.

- Let me hold it.
- Get me in here too, though.

What happened? What?

- Come on.
- Take this.

Come on. Give me that back.
What are you doing?

- [metallic snap]
- That.

Oh.

- [laughter]
- What the hell?

He just Bo Jackson'd it.

- [laughter]
- There you go.

You owe me $15 for this.

- That was $15?
- Yes.

Got it in Chinatown.

[laughter]

I mean, you've ruined
the art of the deal, dude.

- [laughter]
- He's exaggerating.

I mean, I'm sorry if such a small thing

distracted you or
threw you off your game,

but every time I posted
a photo or video of us,

I would... I started blowing up.

[laughter]

I mean, you wouldn't know
this, 'cause you're not online,

but this is what was happening.

- Walt is click bait?
- Yeah.

[laughter]

Oh, man, and just like a transformer,

we got to Go-Bot out of here.

For "Comic Book Men," I'm Kevin Smith.

- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.

- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.

Never be afraid to look 'em

right in the eye of Agamotto, kids.

Good night.