Comedy Central Presents (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 3 - Chelsea Peretti - full transcript

- "Comedy central presents"

Chelsea peretti.

- Thank you.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Thank you... that made up
for my childhood.

Thank you, so much.

Are you guys kinda judgin'
my attractiveness level?

It's a weird level...
It's a really weird level.

It's frustrating.



It kinda falls through
my fingers, at times.

You know, like I... just
when I start to feel pretty

and feel good about myself,

someone always brings me
right back down to earth.

My friend's mom
was like, "Chelsea!"

She was so excited...
"Chelsea, I saw an ugly Chelsea"

"on the street the other day."

I'm like, "okay."

Basically, what that
translates to is,

"you saw an ugly person
and you thought of me."

Thanks for the heads up.

I appreciate it.

I'm, uh, I'm Jewish and Italian,

so I have this face.



Jewish people get obsessed
with which half is Jewish.

I'm like, "first of all,
my last name's 'peretti.'"

"I thought Jews were smart."

Um, but they're always
like, "who's the Jew?"

"Is it your mom
or is it your dad?"

"Who's the Jew, who's the Jew?"

And when I say, "it's my mom,"

"they're like,
"then you are a Jew!

"By Jewish law you are a Jew!"

I'm like "oh, you got me...
Take me to Jew court."

I just, uh, I just got
out of three relationships.

So now, I'm always trying
to figure out, like,

what kind of clothes to wear

to draw someone to me,
and I never know.

I feel like I'm making
it up... I'm like,

"shall I wear this
ball gown, you know,"

"or should I wear
this ball gown?"

I just have
a closet full of them.

But I never wear them.

I just wind up wearing jeans,

but then I will do
that trick that girls do

where you let your
g-string strap peek out

above the waist of the jeans

'cause then you can be like,

"oopsies... I made
a sexy mistake... woopsies!"

Sometimes, I like to hoist
them up over my shoulders.

I'll just hook
my thumbs in 'em like,

"someone's available."

"She's got her little
single suspenders on."

Just see what I can reel in.

Usually, it's
something terrible.

Sex was so exciting at first.

You remember when you
first started having it

like, "oh, whoa...
Something's in me."

"Whoa!"

And that can last you for years.

And then, you just start
getting more used to it,

and people start
trying to jazz it up.

Like, some people start
talking to you during sex,

telling you their
fantasies and stuff.

I don't like to do that.

I like to, pretty much,
to be dead silent.

That's my comfort zone.

But then, sometimes,
I will be like, you know,

"thank you for dinner,
thank you for dinner."

Just to be a lady
and show some gratitude

at the appropriate time.

A lot of my friends are guys,

and they'll talk about
a girl they're seeing.

They're like, "uh, man,
she's a screamer."

It's like, it just makes me
want to mess with somebody

and take that too
literally just like, "ahh!"

"Ahh!

"I'm a screamer," I'm screaming.

"I'm frightened."

That's sexy, right?

They're like,
"she's a real wild cat."

I'm like,

"Ahh, ahh!"

Just to see if I could
be alone forever.

She's looking more like...

I don't know why that
wild cat is in doggy style

but it's one of
the ironies of that joke.

I was seeing
someone for a while.

I was seeing someone for a while

and, um, he talked during sex

and he said stuff that
I thought was weird,

but I don't know.

So I recorded it on this
spy device from the 1970s,

and I thought I would
play it for you guys,

and then, you tell me,
is it weird or what.

And just so you know, when
I get very uncomfortable,

I'll be like, "oh, wow."

Ready?

- Ahh!

Ahh!

- Oh, wow!

- Ahh!

Oh, mama.

Oh, mama.

Oh, mom.

Oh, my mom.

Oh, you're my mom.

Oh, oh, my mother.

Oh, my mother.

Oh, you're my mom.

You are my mom.

Oh, you're my mom.

Mom, mom, mom, I love you.

Mom, mom, mom.

Oh, mother.

- Oh.

I don't want to read
too much into it,

but I kind of felt as though

he wanted to his mother.

So I was like, "can you not,
like, talk about your mom"

"or me being your
mom during sex?"

So he's like, "okay."

And then he started
to doing this.

- Oh.

- Oh.

Oh, wow!

Oh, wow!

- Oh, god.

Oh, god.

- Oh, yeah, wow!

- Oh, god.

Oh, oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, son of god.

Oh, mother son of
god, born of Mary.

Oh, oh, Jesus Christ,
son of god, prince of peace,

born of Mary and
Joseph in galilee.

Oh, god.

Oh, god.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, killed by the Jews.

- No.

No, it was too much,
it was too much.

I wanna know why two guys
hi-fived during that,

but I'll figure-figure
that out later.

That men's biggest fear

is that women
will laugh at them,

and women's biggest fear
is that men will kill them.

Kind of different stakes
that we're working with.

But that's why I don't
make jokes during sex,

'cause I think of stuff

that I think would be
funny all the time,

but I just don't say it,

because I don't
want to be killed.

Like for years, I thought
it would be hilarious

to have a phobia,

so when the guy starts to,

I was like, "ahh,
what's happening to you."

"You're changing... change back,
"change back!"

Just throwing socks at him.

Very uncomfortable with it.

I'll try it one day...
I'll find the right guy.

I do have terrible taste in men.

Like, I just like big, dumb guys

with dead eyes like Tony danza

or I'm borderline attracted to

Ronny from "the Jersey shore."

Anyone dumb...
Anyone big and dumb.

I realized the other day,
I've dated three, white rappers.

I feel like that's probably
98 percent of white rappers

that have been inside me...
It's very uncomfortable.

You know the type of guy
that I'm talking about?

Like very manicured facial hair,

like those pencil-thin
moustache-beard combos

that go in a circle like,

"my mouth's in here
if anybody's lookin' for it."

Those are the kind of guys.

They have weird ideas
about honesty, you know?

They get... they're like,

"I'm honest with
my friends and family,"

"but not with society
and corporations."

They leave like weird
loopholes for themselves.

You know, they get philosophical
where honesty's concerned.

They're like,

"I mean, society just agrees
that this is a table."

I'm like, "did you cheat on me?"

Let's stop playing games
and really get into it.

It's like you always forget
when you're in it, you want it,

and then, when you're out of
it, it-it's always, like,

you want whatever
you don't have.

You know, whenever
I'm alone, I'm like,

"I wanna boyfriend...
"that'd be so fun.

"We'll hold hands
and watch a movie."

But actually, when you get one,

actually what it is, is
it's just someone watching you,

and watching your every move,

and just connecting dots on all
your flaws in your personality.

And then after
a while, they're like,

"okay, this is who you are."

"It's a terrible person."

"You should work on it."

And then you watch a movie
just to take a break,

And that's love as far
as I've figured it out.

And things that seem like
they'd be fun, you know,

when you get into the situation,
they're not that fun.

Like it seems like it'd be fun

to take a shower with someone

that you're in
love with, you know.

But I feel like it
always turns into like,

"ah, I have a whole
checklist of things

"that I need to achieve
in the shower," you know?

I feel like you get in
there with someone else,

and all of a sudden
you're, like, inventing, like,

"hey, let me wash your back,"

so you can sneak wash your
ass... it's very stressful.

Whereas, when I'm alone,
that's exclusively what I wash.

There's only one check box
on my checklist... got it.

I should just stay
away from people.

I've had such bad luck...
I had a whole string of time

in which the only
guys attracted to me,

were guys from Philly

who are, pretty much,
the worst people alive.

Ha-ha-ha.

They're just kind
of like, "mwaaa."

Like that's a Philly
accent that I just nailed.

This one guy was like,

"I can make you fall
in love with Philly."

I was like, "really... how?"

"Do you have a handful ecstasy?"

That's what it took
last time I was there.

I was like, "mmmmm, home depot."

"This is a great town."

"You done it again, Philly!"

I don't want to make
New York feel left out.

There's weird,
dumb people here, too.

I was walkin' down the street,

and I saw these two Italian
guys with their dogs,

and the one guy's
talking to his friend,

and he's like,
"your dog loves pasta?"

"My dog loves pasta!"

He couldn't believe it.

And I was walking by like,
"is this really happening?"

"Like, am I gonna turn a corner,"

and it's gonna be
two Filipino guys, like,

"your dog loves dog."

"That what my dog loves."

I live in I.A. now,

and one thing I've learned
from living in big cities,

is that it really
doesn't make you feel safe,

when you're walking home
at night, and some guys like,

"hey, gorgeous... get home safe!"

You're like,
"felt a little safer"

"before you just said that."

"Wasn't even
thinking about safety."

"I was kind of making
a grocery list, but thank you."

"Thank you."

I feel pretty safe in I.A.

Because there's
trees everywhere,

and I'm like, "um, there's
trees... I'll be fine."

And then my neighbor
was like, "hey, Chelsea",

"just so you know, there's been
a rape in the neighborhood."

I was like, "thank you."

Like, I don't know
what I'm supposed to do

with that information...
Just walk backwards like,

"don't even think it,
don't even think it."

"I'm watching you,
I'm watching you."

"Rape, just in case."

"Okay."

Like, she might as well just
come to my door and be like,

"hey, Chelsea,
live in fear... bye."

It's useless.

And I always think
what I would do,

if someone tried to get me.

You know, my first thought

is just something dumb
like I'd try to pick my nose

and just be gross or something.

Like, in my mind, a rapist is
just some white-hat, frat boy

who'd just be like,
"ah, nasty... forget it."

"Learn some manners."

Obviously, I don't understand
how it works at all,

but I don't even
wanna think about it,

but you have to, because
you'll just be relaxing,

and then someone's like,

"don't take open
drinks from guys."

And you're like, "ahh!"

But I figured out
a way around that

which is what if I gave myself

a little bit of
roofies every day, okay.

So I start, day one,
it's a tiny dose, real small.

Then, every day, I up it
and up it and up it.

By the end of
a couple of months,

I feel like I could
go to any location

and take a drink from anybody

no matter how
creepy or frightening.

I'm just like, "thank you...
Thank you so much."

It's like three in the morning

and I'm like,
"where we going, gang?"

"Where's the after after?"

They're like, "I don't
get it... she is un-rapeable."

That's my fantasy.

I think about my funeral a lot.

Ah, I know I want it to be an
open-mic night for comedians.

Thank you... thank you, so much.

Thank you, thank you.

I know I want it to be an
open-mic night for comedians.

It'll be advertised
in the local paper.

You know, $5.00 gets
you five minutes, or whatever.

Because comedians are always
looking for stage time,

and I just think it'll be
nice to be dead for that.

Ha-ha-ha.

Is it lazy that I kind of
wish I was you, right now,

and that I was a TV?

And this was my living room?

Is that lazy?

Actually, I just wish
you guys were all puppies.

How cute would that be

if I was alone in a room
with this many puppies?

I'd be like, "ahhh...
Who's getting petted first?"

Be so excited.

I'd put on a little
white, lab coat,

and try to get to the bottom
of scientific questions like,

"who's a cute puppy?"

Stuff like that.

One day I'll arrange it
when I have a lot of money.

I come... I need
a lot of love, I do.

It's not... I don't blame my
parents fully still, kind of.

No, my mom's great...
She's very intense.

She's very like tricky
and clever and intense.

Like, if we get in fights,

my mom will do
spammer tricks on me.

Like, we'll get in
a fight, and afterwards,

she'll send me an email and
the subject will be "apology."

Then, I'll open it up,
and inside, it's like,

"I was right and
you were wrong."

I'm like, "ahh!"

"You got me with the
oldest trick in the book,"

"an enticing subject header."

So, I'll write her back,
"apology accepted,"

and then, inside
it's just, "eat a."

I can be pretty judgmental
of people... I can.

I saw this girl.

She was very cute, but
she was wearing a tee-shirt,

and it said,
"I heart nerds" on it.

And I was just looking
at her, and I was like,

"god, I wish I could make her
force an engineer"

"with cystic acne for just
hours and hours and hours."

Until she was just like,

"all right, I don't...
I don't heart nerds... I don't."

"I heart good-looking
guys who wear eyeglasses."

"That's what I heart."

We're like, "all right...
Revise the shirt."

I also don't really care
for three-legged dog owners.

I-I don't understand

why are there so many
three-legged dogs now?

Is there an alligator pit
beside a dog run somewhere

that needs to be taken
care of... what's happening?

I don't like their attitude.

I feel like they're always like,

"I don't even notice it,
I don't even notice it."

"I don't see it, I don't see it."

"Do you see it... I don't see it."

"My dog's just a spirit to me."

You know, like, I feel like...

I feel like they're judging me,
like, they're like, "what?"

"Do you like dogs for cuteness?"

"Is that what you like dogs for?"

"That's what you like dogs for?"

It's like, "yeah, that's
pretty much exclusively"

"what I like dogs
for... cuteness."

You know, I'm not in
love with the fact

that they're walking machines.

I saw this guy in I.A.

He was actually jogging
with the three-legged dog.

He was just like...

And the dog was like,
"huungh, help me."

I was like, "you've
taken it too far, sir."

"You've taken it too far...
Please admit that."

You know, I just wanted so badly

for someone to snipe
the dog and take it down,

and just to see him like,

"no, how do I prove
how deep I am instantly."

Do you think it's okay when
someone's telling you something

to say, "who cares,".

If you say it tenderly,
and you touch their arm?

Come on... who cares?

'Cause I wanna do
that all the time.

I... especially now, a lot
of my friends are vegans now.

Ah, which, I don't care...
Eat whatever you want.

I just think that my least
favorite part of the vegan diet,

is the verbal part where
they explain it to you.

It's just endless...
It feels like.

It's just... they're like,
"a-a-a, I'm a vegetarian,"

"but I don't even
eat milk or honey,"

"because it takes animal labor
to make milk and honey,"

"and I think that's wrong."

And it just always strikes me
as sort of childish logic.

It's like, "I like
bees and I like cows"

"more than the immigrants that
pick the vegetables that I eat."

That's it for me.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you.