Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 8, Episode 6 - John Oliver: What Kind of Human Animal Would Do This? - full transcript
Really, what is the point
of a car like this?
It's small.
It's impractical.
It's honestly
just a ridiculous way
of moving people
from place to place,
but in 1959,
it was cars like
this Triumph TR3A
in pearl white
with black top and interior
that showed the world
how to have your childhood
and your adulthood
at the same time.
It's got
a four-cylinder engine,
105 horsepower, wire wheels
with knock-off hubs.
Adults have places to go,
things to do.
Kids just want to play
with something dumb
for no reason at all.
So this is
the perfect solution
to that eternal imperfection
of human life...
how to make sense
and be completely silly,
simultaneously.
You could not have
a better context for this car.
Which is why
it's the perfect car...
-It's a beautiful car.
-...for my very special guest
this week...
Bloking and
crumpeting around...
...Mr. John Oliver,
the hilarious host of HBO's
"Last Week Tonight"
and a perfectly logical,
absurd human being.
That's your style...
Yeah.
...and I love it.
- Hello?
- Hello, John?
Jerry, how are you doing?
Couldn't be better.
Is that said with sarcasm
or with truth?
I abandoned the truth
a long time ago.
Well, we're gonna get
along just fine.
I'll be right there.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld
and this is...
-That's how a gentleman
greets another gentleman!
-Nice to meet you.
What do you think?
Well, I love it
is what I think.
That's like
the perfect British definition
of a sports car, isn't it?
-Yeah.
-It's not even
comfortable to get in.
This is your people, okay,
and this is their idea.
Oh, you know, it does
smell like a Triumph, though.
We have got a spectacularly
British day today.
Perfect, right?
- It's a kind of low, gray sky...
- Perfect.
...that sucks all joy
from your heart.
So what do you
think of it so far?
It's very cozy.
You can imagine
yourself on a date
with a what, a crumpet?
Is that what you're
interested in
in England, crumpets?
You're blokes and
you're in search of crumpets.
- Blokes and crumpets.
- Yeah.
That's all
I know about England.
Blokes and crumpets
feeling a lot of things,
but not articulating anything.
Right.
That was basically the history
of British relationships there.
-Right.
-I love you,
you love me,
let's never ever
express that to each other.
Let's die frustrated and alone,
and that is the ultimate
British love story.
Good for them,
they didn't act on it.
How long have
you been here?
- Coming up on ten years.
- Ten years,
and you're still saying
"fru-stray-ted"?
Yeah.
You haven't heard
how we're talking?
- What do you say?
- Frustrated.
Oh, no, that's...
I can't do that.
You do hear the difference?
You just choose to ignore it.
In '59,
this would be great.
You know, we just got out
of the second world war,
a good percentage of us died,
and now the ones that are left
are driving around in these.
That's right.
That's exactly what happened.
The war ended.
The English started
making these cars...
- Yeah.
- ...and everybody thought,
"Oh, okay, we can
go back to having fun now."
As much fun as we feel
comfortable having.
Let's let the English
show us how to have fun.
- That's true.
- Of any group you could pick...
Yeah.
Did you go to college
or university,
I guess you'd call it?
Yeah, I did.
Was that "fru-stray-ting"?
It was a little.
My wife was a combat medic,
but she joined the army
September 12th, 2001.
She was 19.
Wow, September 12th!
Yeah, straight after
September the 11th.
Well, I know it's...
September 12th is after
September 11.
How stupid do I look?
I think I was doing
a gig in Pittsburgh.
I said it was
a pretty rough gig,
and there were a lot of people
collapsing drunk outside,
and I said to her,
"It was like a war zone
out there."
- And she said,
"Yeah, it wasn't.
"I'm gonna give you
a couple of minutes
to take that back
"because the Pittsburgh Improv,
I do not doubt is a rough gig
but it's more
Fallujah rough."
I have been watching
so much of your stuff.
I really have
to compliment you,
but I'm not gonna
use this in the show,
of course.
Tell me about the show
because I have to say,
in all honesty,
I'm obsessed with it now,
and I don't even know
what the hell it is.
Neither do I.
Is it just you talking?
Is that it?
Pretty much.
This is a cool area.
I think this is Williamsburg.
This used to be Orthodox Jews
and now it's hipsters:
two versions, really,
of the same thing.
Let's all look alike.
Wow.
That is a judgmental silence
you just walked into.
I wouldn't
describe this
as a hush
because a hush
is comfortable.
A hush has
a softness to it.
And judgmental-
that's a hard silence.
Welcome to my childhood.
Please do this gently,
do this smoothly, okay?
There's a table
of women behind you,
four different
colors of hair,
but please be subtle,
be smooth.
- I've got this in the bag.
- Yeah.
I was right.
We're dealing
with the "rents."
In England,
ladies of a certain age...
when you want
to shake it up a little bit...
they'll go for purple.
Do men have
anything like that?
I think, well,
handsome men might.
I know there's no answers
for me in a haircut.
Well, you did
make an adjustment
to your hair...
- I did, for the HBO show.
- ...which I noted.
-It's true, it's true.
-Right when I became aware
of your comedy,
I kept thinking,
"What is this guy doing
with the bangs?"
That's true.
-Because men with
bangs disturb me.
-Well, it's stand-up,
there's different rules.
It's different, that's right.
- It's not supposed to...
- In stand-up, you kinda want
a mongrelly, cretinous,
troll-like...
- To where the limbs are moving...
-...out-from-under-a-bridge...
- Exactly.
- individual.
- Suddenly into the daylight...
- Yeah.
Yes, there's a lot
of inside stuff about England,
which just doesn't translate.
Like it was... became clear
that as soon as this voice
starting criticizing America...
and listen, I understand
that we have done
some terrible things
through our history...
Nobody's really
thinking about that here.
- They're thinking it.
- No.
Nobody cares about England.
So let me disabuse you.
You can relax.
We don't care...
- But it was...
-...where you're from.
- That is such...
- You have a lovely, charming...
-...a hurtful thing to say.
- This little ding-a-ling...
a door opens,
dingaling-a-ling.
Have you had a lovely day?
We just think of the English
as a cute little...
It's a curio shop to us.
- Ding-a-ling-a-ling.
- Ding-a-ling-a-ling.
A cup of tea, mister?
You don't even seem English.
You just seem like
an unusual person...
- ...who talks different...
- Uh-huh.
...but this guy's very funny.
The place that
your voice comes from
does not feel English,
even with the accent...
Right.
...and the glasses and
the hair that you got rid of.
- The whole thing?
- Yeah.
- And the...
- Yeah, the puppety walk and...
I think that's why your stuff
is working so well.
This did not work in Britain...
- It didn't?
- ...as well as it does here.
I used to go to
the Edinburgh festival
every year.
I had a 100% walk-out
in Edinburgh.
Started with six people,
two leave like ten minutes in.
Twenty minutes in,
another two leave.
I'm down to two,
a couple.
The guy says,
"I'm going to the bathroom."
-Yeah.
-So now I'm just left
with the woman.
She's there with her bag,
and I see her hand
reach down to her bag
about 25 minutes.
I said, "Are you leaving?"
She said, "Yeah."
Picks up the bag,
walks out...
I remember
the sound of the door
closing behind her.
Now I'm in an empty room...
Right.
...with a sound
technician saying,
"Do you want to carry on?"
Ribs?
- "No, it's over!
The gig's over."
Thanks so much.
What about jokes
about your wife?
How does that go down?
Does she understand
that these are meaningless
thoughts and words?
My wife... it's taken...
16 years we've been married,
she finally understands
I don't mean any of this.
We will put
any words together.
Well, I was talking
with Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
She said, "You always said
you would never get married."
I said,
"I still feel that way."
It doesn't even make sense.
So, so-
but that's obviously funny.
So do... do you
pay for that comment?
- No, she understands now.
- Now she knows...
I... I don't know
what I'm saying.
Right, that was
a sequence of words
that you knew
had a laugh
at the end of it.
- That's right.
- So you said them.
- That's it.
- Yeah.
You just described
my entire brain.
I did Letterman once,
and he was
very interested
in her.
- Your wife?
- Yeah, he was very interested
in like what she'd done,
why she was with me.
I think he said during that,
what he said,
"Does she think you're funny?"
and I said honestly, "No."
She said after that,
"Why would you say that?"
I said, "Because I'm not
your favorite comedian, right?
You like...
you like Gaffigan."
"Maybe just say I am,
next time."
But then I was
trying to explain to her,
"But that wouldn't be funny."
You were a comedian
when she met you.
Sure, but the internal
logic of comedy
is really hard for anyone
to understand from the outside.
And what is the internal
logic of comedy?
That you'll do
anything for a laugh,
like a sociopath.
That's right.
That's right.
Today I was just looking
at some of the stuff
we have for this week.
So if... if it's something
that we want to practice
to prove how easy it is
to do something...
well, we started this church
to show the extent to which
churches are tax exempt.
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-That was funnier to me
to then do it,
and then people did it,
which is send in cash
the next day,
like just cash flying in.
How much did you get?
70,000 dollars.
It was huge.
And who's got
that money now?
- We... we donated it.
- All right.
It would have been funnier
to buy jet skis.
Yes! You should have bought
a jet ski and donated that.
Donate that to
"Doctors without Borders"?
Yeah, two doctors on jet skis
with the stethoscopes
in the wind.
That's a great look.
- That's a fantastic look.
- Yeah.
- Have you ever jet skied?
- Yes, sir.
I can't picture you
on a jet ski.
I like to explore things.
I don't expect
to enjoy them,
but I am curious what is working
what for other people.
Right.
Does your mind ever
go to a place you would
like to take the show,
or you think, "I'd like
to attempt this daily"?
I'm sure you
get that question
all the time.
Yeah, but that's
not gonna happen.
- How do you know?
- So at the moment,
this is the Platonic ideal.
I got it.
Now how long
we'll be able to do that
at this pace
and this level of intensity?
How long we can
do that to our staff?
I don't know.
- This is not a...
When I say sustainable...
months in the future...
You mean you've heard
environmentaltype people
say that?
So you're using the word, but...
I don't really know
what it means at all.
...you don't know
what it means
or how to do it?
No.
-No.
-I know that it's a word
that comforts people.
Yes.
- So you'd sprinkle it in?
- Yeah.
- That's smart, that's smart.
- Exactly, say "sustainable"
and watch people go,
"Oh, good, we're gonna
be okay, guys."
Yeah, I don't know.
Oh, you are
a devastating human being.
-HBO will let you
do anything...
-Right.
so you want to say
"Where is that line?
Let's see what
'anything' means, shall we?"
So I went to Russia
to talk to Snowden,
and we're in trouble
the whole time there,
like we got the Russians
are mad we're there.
You can only imagine
that the Americans
are mad that we've gone.
Right.
And I get back home...
and it was really fun
because, you know,
trouble is fun.
Yeah.
And my wife said
"I thought you were done
with this kind of stuff."
And I said, "Yeah,
I don't think I'm done.
I don't think I'm done."
- Why would she
think you're done?
I mean, I don't want
to start up any trouble
between you and your wife.
You put the rational brain-
"You think...
you're an adult, right?
"You don't need to...
What's the point?
What are you trying to prove?"
You have a child.
- "We've got a child."
- Yeah.
-"That's right,
we have a baby."
-Yes.
"Why are you going to irritate
the Russian government?"
Because it's funny.
Wow.
I think it's like a kid.
Like, it's funny
being in trouble
in a controlled situation...
Right.
...where you're not
in that much trouble.
- Right.
- It's really funny.
You seem like you
wouldn't mind actual trouble.
I think I'd...
I wouldn't mind it
until I really encountered it.
Or if it was
affecting someone else.
Sure, sure, yeah.
That's what you're
supposed to say, right?
Yeah.
Definitely, no,
def... definitely.
In a sustainable way.
Oh, good.
- You had a good time?
- I had a great time.
-Me too,
I had a great time.
-Yeah.
There's nothing that
makes me happier than this.
Yeah.
- Nothing.
- Isn't it weird?
I'll tell you, I'm at ten.
This is as comfortable as I get.
You've...
you've seen me in ways
that my loved ones
don't see me.
- Right.
- 'Cause I'm just...
You're just
not there for them.
You're not there for them.
I'm as there
as much as I can be.
- As much as you can be.
- Right.
God help us.
God almighty, help us.
This is the pinnacle
of English automotive
culture right here.
I mean,
they really came up with
something charming,
irresistible...
That is just irresistible.
I like the massive
English study that was done
about whether
you get wetter
if you run
to get out of the rain
or if you walk...
- Uh-huh.
- so that the...
you're not hit as forcibly
by the rain.
Massive study!
What was the conclusion
to that study?
Uh, you get
wetter walking.
No.
I'm glad that study
was so massive.
That felt like...
that felt like
that could have been
a study of two people.
Yeah, okay,
it's raining outside.
-You run.
-Walk around the block,
run around the block.
- That's it.
- Guess what?
The guy that got back
sooner was less wet.
Yeah.
"It's a study
out of England?
"Well, you already have
my full, undivided attention.
What are those hobbits
doing over there now?"
"Well, they wanted to decide
how you get the most wet."
"Of course they did.
Please continue."
"One walked, one ran."
"Did he run,
"or was it a kind of...
bizarre jog he threw down."
Oh, well, good.
That's what England does now
that they don't control
any of the world any more.
My first key lime pie,
I ate off a tray
outside a hotel room
in a corridor in Houston.
- Right.
- It was delicious.
-Yeah.
-There was
two-thirds of it left,
and I ate all of it.
I was wondering whether
they'd walk out in the morning
and say,
"Hold on a second,
what human animal..."
"...ate two-thirds
of my key lime pie?"
-So you stood
there eating it?
-No, I took it.
- You didn't leave?
- I took it into my room.
- Yeah.
- Ate it... felt zero regret...
put the plate
back outside their room...
Right.
...and walked away
confidently,
thinking nothing about that
seemed like a bad decision.
I would eat a roll
off a room service tray
in a hallway of a hotel
well into my successful years.
- Of course!
- Who would think,
"Hey, let's poison this roll
in case there's a comic..."
Yeah.
- "...coming home at 3:00 AM."
- You know that's not happening.
- "We can kill him."
-What a security video
that would be.
"NBC's Seinfeld..."
"eating a roll
off the floor
on his knees
like a dog."
I'm not really
interested in acting.
I did this one sitcom...
Yeah.
I did this one...
one dramatic scene.
-Right.
-So we're in a car
just like this,
and we're really close,
and she starts
crying in this scene.
And the only thing
I'm thinking, watching her,
is "You're doing
some amazing acting
right now."
Right.
Like she's getting
nothing back from me.
- Nothing.
- Just an audience member
half-a-foot away
from her face going,
"Wow, that's good.
You're really crying,
aren't you?"
-If you ever...
-"Those are actual tears
on your face."
If you ever catch
a rerun my TV series
and you see me
in any scene,
that is exactly
what I'm thinking.
"I mean, wow,
look at this guy acting."
"Look at this."
-"Wow."
-"Look at the commitment
on that face."
"Like, they're
really into this.
Oh, it's my line now."
I was never ever there,
not unlike your marriage.
You gave them 100%.
I'm here.
I'm giving you
everything I got.
I'm not leaving
anything on the field.
You're getting
my absolute best here.
This is really great.
I think we're gonna be friends.
Comedians in Cars
Getting Coffee
will be right back
after this brief word
from our sponsor.
I think I've got it.
- Which was bigger? Trump...
- Trump.
That thing got out of hand.
Yeah.
I think he has a big
clowny body too...
-Yeah, right.
-...that's kind of...
It's squidgy.
It's something...
a kid would want
to squeeze it,
you know?
That's right,
to relieve stress.
Yeah.
"Oh, I'm feeling tense.
Oh, that's better.
That's better,
I don't know why."
Yeah, he would make
a good little stress ball.
Yeah.
He would make
a better stress ball
than a president,
that's for sure.
And we're out.
of a car like this?
It's small.
It's impractical.
It's honestly
just a ridiculous way
of moving people
from place to place,
but in 1959,
it was cars like
this Triumph TR3A
in pearl white
with black top and interior
that showed the world
how to have your childhood
and your adulthood
at the same time.
It's got
a four-cylinder engine,
105 horsepower, wire wheels
with knock-off hubs.
Adults have places to go,
things to do.
Kids just want to play
with something dumb
for no reason at all.
So this is
the perfect solution
to that eternal imperfection
of human life...
how to make sense
and be completely silly,
simultaneously.
You could not have
a better context for this car.
Which is why
it's the perfect car...
-It's a beautiful car.
-...for my very special guest
this week...
Bloking and
crumpeting around...
...Mr. John Oliver,
the hilarious host of HBO's
"Last Week Tonight"
and a perfectly logical,
absurd human being.
That's your style...
Yeah.
...and I love it.
- Hello?
- Hello, John?
Jerry, how are you doing?
Couldn't be better.
Is that said with sarcasm
or with truth?
I abandoned the truth
a long time ago.
Well, we're gonna get
along just fine.
I'll be right there.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld
and this is...
-That's how a gentleman
greets another gentleman!
-Nice to meet you.
What do you think?
Well, I love it
is what I think.
That's like
the perfect British definition
of a sports car, isn't it?
-Yeah.
-It's not even
comfortable to get in.
This is your people, okay,
and this is their idea.
Oh, you know, it does
smell like a Triumph, though.
We have got a spectacularly
British day today.
Perfect, right?
- It's a kind of low, gray sky...
- Perfect.
...that sucks all joy
from your heart.
So what do you
think of it so far?
It's very cozy.
You can imagine
yourself on a date
with a what, a crumpet?
Is that what you're
interested in
in England, crumpets?
You're blokes and
you're in search of crumpets.
- Blokes and crumpets.
- Yeah.
That's all
I know about England.
Blokes and crumpets
feeling a lot of things,
but not articulating anything.
Right.
That was basically the history
of British relationships there.
-Right.
-I love you,
you love me,
let's never ever
express that to each other.
Let's die frustrated and alone,
and that is the ultimate
British love story.
Good for them,
they didn't act on it.
How long have
you been here?
- Coming up on ten years.
- Ten years,
and you're still saying
"fru-stray-ted"?
Yeah.
You haven't heard
how we're talking?
- What do you say?
- Frustrated.
Oh, no, that's...
I can't do that.
You do hear the difference?
You just choose to ignore it.
In '59,
this would be great.
You know, we just got out
of the second world war,
a good percentage of us died,
and now the ones that are left
are driving around in these.
That's right.
That's exactly what happened.
The war ended.
The English started
making these cars...
- Yeah.
- ...and everybody thought,
"Oh, okay, we can
go back to having fun now."
As much fun as we feel
comfortable having.
Let's let the English
show us how to have fun.
- That's true.
- Of any group you could pick...
Yeah.
Did you go to college
or university,
I guess you'd call it?
Yeah, I did.
Was that "fru-stray-ting"?
It was a little.
My wife was a combat medic,
but she joined the army
September 12th, 2001.
She was 19.
Wow, September 12th!
Yeah, straight after
September the 11th.
Well, I know it's...
September 12th is after
September 11.
How stupid do I look?
I think I was doing
a gig in Pittsburgh.
I said it was
a pretty rough gig,
and there were a lot of people
collapsing drunk outside,
and I said to her,
"It was like a war zone
out there."
- And she said,
"Yeah, it wasn't.
"I'm gonna give you
a couple of minutes
to take that back
"because the Pittsburgh Improv,
I do not doubt is a rough gig
but it's more
Fallujah rough."
I have been watching
so much of your stuff.
I really have
to compliment you,
but I'm not gonna
use this in the show,
of course.
Tell me about the show
because I have to say,
in all honesty,
I'm obsessed with it now,
and I don't even know
what the hell it is.
Neither do I.
Is it just you talking?
Is that it?
Pretty much.
This is a cool area.
I think this is Williamsburg.
This used to be Orthodox Jews
and now it's hipsters:
two versions, really,
of the same thing.
Let's all look alike.
Wow.
That is a judgmental silence
you just walked into.
I wouldn't
describe this
as a hush
because a hush
is comfortable.
A hush has
a softness to it.
And judgmental-
that's a hard silence.
Welcome to my childhood.
Please do this gently,
do this smoothly, okay?
There's a table
of women behind you,
four different
colors of hair,
but please be subtle,
be smooth.
- I've got this in the bag.
- Yeah.
I was right.
We're dealing
with the "rents."
In England,
ladies of a certain age...
when you want
to shake it up a little bit...
they'll go for purple.
Do men have
anything like that?
I think, well,
handsome men might.
I know there's no answers
for me in a haircut.
Well, you did
make an adjustment
to your hair...
- I did, for the HBO show.
- ...which I noted.
-It's true, it's true.
-Right when I became aware
of your comedy,
I kept thinking,
"What is this guy doing
with the bangs?"
That's true.
-Because men with
bangs disturb me.
-Well, it's stand-up,
there's different rules.
It's different, that's right.
- It's not supposed to...
- In stand-up, you kinda want
a mongrelly, cretinous,
troll-like...
- To where the limbs are moving...
-...out-from-under-a-bridge...
- Exactly.
- individual.
- Suddenly into the daylight...
- Yeah.
Yes, there's a lot
of inside stuff about England,
which just doesn't translate.
Like it was... became clear
that as soon as this voice
starting criticizing America...
and listen, I understand
that we have done
some terrible things
through our history...
Nobody's really
thinking about that here.
- They're thinking it.
- No.
Nobody cares about England.
So let me disabuse you.
You can relax.
We don't care...
- But it was...
-...where you're from.
- That is such...
- You have a lovely, charming...
-...a hurtful thing to say.
- This little ding-a-ling...
a door opens,
dingaling-a-ling.
Have you had a lovely day?
We just think of the English
as a cute little...
It's a curio shop to us.
- Ding-a-ling-a-ling.
- Ding-a-ling-a-ling.
A cup of tea, mister?
You don't even seem English.
You just seem like
an unusual person...
- ...who talks different...
- Uh-huh.
...but this guy's very funny.
The place that
your voice comes from
does not feel English,
even with the accent...
Right.
...and the glasses and
the hair that you got rid of.
- The whole thing?
- Yeah.
- And the...
- Yeah, the puppety walk and...
I think that's why your stuff
is working so well.
This did not work in Britain...
- It didn't?
- ...as well as it does here.
I used to go to
the Edinburgh festival
every year.
I had a 100% walk-out
in Edinburgh.
Started with six people,
two leave like ten minutes in.
Twenty minutes in,
another two leave.
I'm down to two,
a couple.
The guy says,
"I'm going to the bathroom."
-Yeah.
-So now I'm just left
with the woman.
She's there with her bag,
and I see her hand
reach down to her bag
about 25 minutes.
I said, "Are you leaving?"
She said, "Yeah."
Picks up the bag,
walks out...
I remember
the sound of the door
closing behind her.
Now I'm in an empty room...
Right.
...with a sound
technician saying,
"Do you want to carry on?"
Ribs?
- "No, it's over!
The gig's over."
Thanks so much.
What about jokes
about your wife?
How does that go down?
Does she understand
that these are meaningless
thoughts and words?
My wife... it's taken...
16 years we've been married,
she finally understands
I don't mean any of this.
We will put
any words together.
Well, I was talking
with Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
She said, "You always said
you would never get married."
I said,
"I still feel that way."
It doesn't even make sense.
So, so-
but that's obviously funny.
So do... do you
pay for that comment?
- No, she understands now.
- Now she knows...
I... I don't know
what I'm saying.
Right, that was
a sequence of words
that you knew
had a laugh
at the end of it.
- That's right.
- So you said them.
- That's it.
- Yeah.
You just described
my entire brain.
I did Letterman once,
and he was
very interested
in her.
- Your wife?
- Yeah, he was very interested
in like what she'd done,
why she was with me.
I think he said during that,
what he said,
"Does she think you're funny?"
and I said honestly, "No."
She said after that,
"Why would you say that?"
I said, "Because I'm not
your favorite comedian, right?
You like...
you like Gaffigan."
"Maybe just say I am,
next time."
But then I was
trying to explain to her,
"But that wouldn't be funny."
You were a comedian
when she met you.
Sure, but the internal
logic of comedy
is really hard for anyone
to understand from the outside.
And what is the internal
logic of comedy?
That you'll do
anything for a laugh,
like a sociopath.
That's right.
That's right.
Today I was just looking
at some of the stuff
we have for this week.
So if... if it's something
that we want to practice
to prove how easy it is
to do something...
well, we started this church
to show the extent to which
churches are tax exempt.
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-That was funnier to me
to then do it,
and then people did it,
which is send in cash
the next day,
like just cash flying in.
How much did you get?
70,000 dollars.
It was huge.
And who's got
that money now?
- We... we donated it.
- All right.
It would have been funnier
to buy jet skis.
Yes! You should have bought
a jet ski and donated that.
Donate that to
"Doctors without Borders"?
Yeah, two doctors on jet skis
with the stethoscopes
in the wind.
That's a great look.
- That's a fantastic look.
- Yeah.
- Have you ever jet skied?
- Yes, sir.
I can't picture you
on a jet ski.
I like to explore things.
I don't expect
to enjoy them,
but I am curious what is working
what for other people.
Right.
Does your mind ever
go to a place you would
like to take the show,
or you think, "I'd like
to attempt this daily"?
I'm sure you
get that question
all the time.
Yeah, but that's
not gonna happen.
- How do you know?
- So at the moment,
this is the Platonic ideal.
I got it.
Now how long
we'll be able to do that
at this pace
and this level of intensity?
How long we can
do that to our staff?
I don't know.
- This is not a...
When I say sustainable...
months in the future...
You mean you've heard
environmentaltype people
say that?
So you're using the word, but...
I don't really know
what it means at all.
...you don't know
what it means
or how to do it?
No.
-No.
-I know that it's a word
that comforts people.
Yes.
- So you'd sprinkle it in?
- Yeah.
- That's smart, that's smart.
- Exactly, say "sustainable"
and watch people go,
"Oh, good, we're gonna
be okay, guys."
Yeah, I don't know.
Oh, you are
a devastating human being.
-HBO will let you
do anything...
-Right.
so you want to say
"Where is that line?
Let's see what
'anything' means, shall we?"
So I went to Russia
to talk to Snowden,
and we're in trouble
the whole time there,
like we got the Russians
are mad we're there.
You can only imagine
that the Americans
are mad that we've gone.
Right.
And I get back home...
and it was really fun
because, you know,
trouble is fun.
Yeah.
And my wife said
"I thought you were done
with this kind of stuff."
And I said, "Yeah,
I don't think I'm done.
I don't think I'm done."
- Why would she
think you're done?
I mean, I don't want
to start up any trouble
between you and your wife.
You put the rational brain-
"You think...
you're an adult, right?
"You don't need to...
What's the point?
What are you trying to prove?"
You have a child.
- "We've got a child."
- Yeah.
-"That's right,
we have a baby."
-Yes.
"Why are you going to irritate
the Russian government?"
Because it's funny.
Wow.
I think it's like a kid.
Like, it's funny
being in trouble
in a controlled situation...
Right.
...where you're not
in that much trouble.
- Right.
- It's really funny.
You seem like you
wouldn't mind actual trouble.
I think I'd...
I wouldn't mind it
until I really encountered it.
Or if it was
affecting someone else.
Sure, sure, yeah.
That's what you're
supposed to say, right?
Yeah.
Definitely, no,
def... definitely.
In a sustainable way.
Oh, good.
- You had a good time?
- I had a great time.
-Me too,
I had a great time.
-Yeah.
There's nothing that
makes me happier than this.
Yeah.
- Nothing.
- Isn't it weird?
I'll tell you, I'm at ten.
This is as comfortable as I get.
You've...
you've seen me in ways
that my loved ones
don't see me.
- Right.
- 'Cause I'm just...
You're just
not there for them.
You're not there for them.
I'm as there
as much as I can be.
- As much as you can be.
- Right.
God help us.
God almighty, help us.
This is the pinnacle
of English automotive
culture right here.
I mean,
they really came up with
something charming,
irresistible...
That is just irresistible.
I like the massive
English study that was done
about whether
you get wetter
if you run
to get out of the rain
or if you walk...
- Uh-huh.
- so that the...
you're not hit as forcibly
by the rain.
Massive study!
What was the conclusion
to that study?
Uh, you get
wetter walking.
No.
I'm glad that study
was so massive.
That felt like...
that felt like
that could have been
a study of two people.
Yeah, okay,
it's raining outside.
-You run.
-Walk around the block,
run around the block.
- That's it.
- Guess what?
The guy that got back
sooner was less wet.
Yeah.
"It's a study
out of England?
"Well, you already have
my full, undivided attention.
What are those hobbits
doing over there now?"
"Well, they wanted to decide
how you get the most wet."
"Of course they did.
Please continue."
"One walked, one ran."
"Did he run,
"or was it a kind of...
bizarre jog he threw down."
Oh, well, good.
That's what England does now
that they don't control
any of the world any more.
My first key lime pie,
I ate off a tray
outside a hotel room
in a corridor in Houston.
- Right.
- It was delicious.
-Yeah.
-There was
two-thirds of it left,
and I ate all of it.
I was wondering whether
they'd walk out in the morning
and say,
"Hold on a second,
what human animal..."
"...ate two-thirds
of my key lime pie?"
-So you stood
there eating it?
-No, I took it.
- You didn't leave?
- I took it into my room.
- Yeah.
- Ate it... felt zero regret...
put the plate
back outside their room...
Right.
...and walked away
confidently,
thinking nothing about that
seemed like a bad decision.
I would eat a roll
off a room service tray
in a hallway of a hotel
well into my successful years.
- Of course!
- Who would think,
"Hey, let's poison this roll
in case there's a comic..."
Yeah.
- "...coming home at 3:00 AM."
- You know that's not happening.
- "We can kill him."
-What a security video
that would be.
"NBC's Seinfeld..."
"eating a roll
off the floor
on his knees
like a dog."
I'm not really
interested in acting.
I did this one sitcom...
Yeah.
I did this one...
one dramatic scene.
-Right.
-So we're in a car
just like this,
and we're really close,
and she starts
crying in this scene.
And the only thing
I'm thinking, watching her,
is "You're doing
some amazing acting
right now."
Right.
Like she's getting
nothing back from me.
- Nothing.
- Just an audience member
half-a-foot away
from her face going,
"Wow, that's good.
You're really crying,
aren't you?"
-If you ever...
-"Those are actual tears
on your face."
If you ever catch
a rerun my TV series
and you see me
in any scene,
that is exactly
what I'm thinking.
"I mean, wow,
look at this guy acting."
"Look at this."
-"Wow."
-"Look at the commitment
on that face."
"Like, they're
really into this.
Oh, it's my line now."
I was never ever there,
not unlike your marriage.
You gave them 100%.
I'm here.
I'm giving you
everything I got.
I'm not leaving
anything on the field.
You're getting
my absolute best here.
This is really great.
I think we're gonna be friends.
Comedians in Cars
Getting Coffee
will be right back
after this brief word
from our sponsor.
I think I've got it.
- Which was bigger? Trump...
- Trump.
That thing got out of hand.
Yeah.
I think he has a big
clowny body too...
-Yeah, right.
-...that's kind of...
It's squidgy.
It's something...
a kid would want
to squeeze it,
you know?
That's right,
to relieve stress.
Yeah.
"Oh, I'm feeling tense.
Oh, that's better.
That's better,
I don't know why."
Yeah, he would make
a good little stress ball.
Yeah.
He would make
a better stress ball
than a president,
that's for sure.
And we're out.