Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 8, Episode 4 - J.B. Smoove - full transcript

Jerry is kaffeeklatsching in L.A. with funnyman J.B. Smoove (Saturday Night Live, Real Husbands of Hollywood). They're headed for brew at 10 Speed Coffee in a 1964 Studebaker Avanti.

Weird. Wild. Odd.

This is a 1964
Studebaker Avanti...

Avanti.

in red,
interior, black vinyl.

Studebaker was
an American car company

that lasted until about 1967.

The name tells you everything
you need to know.

Studebaker.

They used to make cars
like the Lark, the Hawk.

They like birds,
these people.

And making sure their car
can go through a puddle.



And hit some straw.

They didn't do well,
so in a last ditch,

hail Mary effort
to save their business,

they asked design genius,
Raymond Loewy,

to make them a sports car,
which he did

in a 40-day crash program

somewhere on the outskirts
of Las Vegas.

He created the entire concept

in eight days
on one condition.

Studebaker was not allowed
to change one aspect

of his original design.

Of course not.
Look at this man.

He's got a mustache,
two hankies, and a tie bar.

You gonna argue
with him about how
something should look?



It is the Avanti.

People loved it.

They wanted to buy it.

But when they came
in the showroom,

it wasn't there.

Studebaker couldn't figure out
how to build enough of them

and they collapsed anyway.

Nice try.

It is also the favorite car

of my wonderfully
funny guest today,

Mr. J. B. Smoove.

But he has
never been in one,

never owned one,

never even had
a ride in one.

But "Avanti"
means "Let's go!"

So, we are.

Hello?

Oh, you won't believe
what I got for you today.

I'm hoping you have

what I think you have.

All your dreams
come true today, J.B.

I can't wait!
I'm tingly! I'm tingly!

I'm Jerry Seinfeld,
and this is...

Oh, this is beautiful.

- Comedy brother.
- Comedy.

This comedy gold.

Whenever they say comedy gold...

Is there a silver
and bronze also?

That is...
might as well be garbage.

I've never even heard
people use the term...

-No.
-...comedy bronze
or comedy silver.

We don't trade in that.

- Always gold.
- Always gold.

This is probably

the nicest Studebaker Avanti
in the world.

Are you kidding me?

You know what I love
about this Avanti?

It mixes European styling

with American ingenuity.

And this 'S' also stands

for "Smoove"!

You can't beat this!

Look at this steering wheel,

these little grips.

Now here's one...
my favorite feature.
Are you ready?

This is for your lady.

How much would
your wife go nuts for that?

Jerry, I'm telling you,

this is like Christmas.

- Your birthday.
- That's how a car should feel.

Like Christmas.
Yeah.

I'mma tell you something.

A bloody nose can
get you out of anything.

If you carry a handkerchief

with red dye on it,

You go, "Oh!"
You tap your nose
a few times.

Like that.

You pull that handkerchief
out your pocket,

you don't let them
see the red.

If you go like this,
they will panic with you.

And you go like this.
"Excuse me, I have
a bloody nose."

Oh, that's so funny.

You are excused
from anything.

Court,
you get pulled over by...

the police pull you over.

-Right.
-Everybody respects
a bloody nose, Jerry.

People who love J.B.
love J.B.

Yeah. Do you feel comfortable
calling yourself by your name?

I love putting myself
in the third person.

- Yeah.
- I love it, man.

So, you're a fan also of your...

- You gotta be a fan.
- Yeah.

Gotta be a fan.

When you have a set
that you don't like,

what do you do

to make yourself feel better?

I'll stop by and get
a pint of Haagen-Dazs.

Yeah, I've done that.

Mint Chip.

You're a Mint Chip guy.

Know what? You look
like a Mint Chip guy.

Mine is Butter Pecan.

But I don't chew
any of the pecans

until I finish the ice cream.

But you know how...
Boy, people are so strange.

So, you save
the pecan for last,

even though
there's no way a pecan

can follow an ice cream.

If you were
putting together a show,

the ice cream
is gonna close the show.

The pecan is gonna open.

I like how you think
like a stand up.

-That's my life.
-The ice cream is my...
is the opener.

Ice cream always closes.

Nobody wants
to follow ice cream.

Most and very important
to me about a car

is the actuation
of all the knobs and levers.

I want you to feel

putting this in reverse,
how nice it is.

Hold that button.
Yeah, and then...

- Ohh.
- Isn't that nice?

The sound too, I like.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- A nice click sound. Listen.

You know when it clicks
it's locked in.

Here's another thing, J.B.,
the door notches.

Watch. It goes up one
and look at how wide it goes,

even wider really easy.
Ohh!

How do you like that?

Know what I do
with my car?

I baby my car.

A lot of people use

towels and rags
to wash their car.
Uhhuh.

You know how I wash my car?

- What?
- Lingerie.

Ladies' lingerie.
I soap it up,

and I'll wash my car.
Ladies' lingerie.

Know why?
'Cause it's very delicate.

The thing that makes me

the most uncomfortable
about this

is that you have
lowered your voice

and you're whispering
this to me.

I'm setting the mood.

I know. That's making
me uncomfortable too.

Ohh.

Man, that's good.

I lived in the projects
in Mount Vernon.

- Oh, in the projects?
- Yeah, man.

I lost a lot of friends.

I got friends who didn't make it
past 16 years old,

so, you know,

it's a great city.

Hold a second.

That sentence does not flow.

I lost a lot of friends
before the age of 16...

- Yeah.
- ...it's a great city.

You know what I love?

When people laugh
at the premise

before you even get
to the punchline.
Oh, it's the greatest.

And you say to yourself,
"Oh, you wait."

When the premise
gets something,

that's the greatest thing
in comedy.

I had a bit
about chopsticks.

The beginning
of the premise was,

"I see the Chinese
are hanging in there
with the chopsticks."

I haven't even started the bit.

Now let me tell you
what lazy is.

The straw.

You're two inches away
from what you want.

That much space
between the glass
and the straw.

Do you need that help?

And sometimes
you can't find it.
You're like...

Yeah, nobody looks good
trying to get a straw.

-You try to talk
to people like...
-Yeah.

What's it for?
Is it people think
the glass is dirty?

You're drinking
what's in the glass.

I think at some point,

the zombie apocalypse
is gonna happen.

Now just to refresh my memory,

the zombies,
they're dead

and now they're back?

- They're undead.
- And you like this.

Yeah. Come back
from the dead.

But I do...

So what's your favorite
zombie show?

"Walking Dead," man.

Oh, I've never seen that.

- Jerry.
- I'm sorry.

-If you don't jump
on "Walking Dead"...
-I'm sorry.

-I'm almost disgusted right now
that you have not yet...
-I know, I know.

People have told you
about that before, right?

You're not the first person
to be upset

with me for
not watching their show.

-Their show.
-This is another thing we need
to stop doing to each other.

- I cannot believe...
- I can't believe

- you missed "The Grifters."
- What's wrong with you?

"What's wrong with you?"
That bothers me more

than the zombies trying
to eat my brain.

I worked at this
perfume company,

man, for a few years.

This guy taught me
how to mix perfumes.

I knew everything.
I knew the ingredients.

Lavenders and rosemaries.

I could have been a perfumer.

You know? Very easily.

You look like a guy

who started out
in the perfume industry.

You look like
you're still in it, frankly.

I used to be a waiter.
I was doing stand up

- Ohh.
- for free at night.

And I would work as a waiter
from 10:00 am to 2:00 pm.

I always did the lunch rush.
And a couple of times, J.B.,

I walked up to a table

and they looked up
at me and said,

"I saw you
on stage last night.

I thought those were
professional comedians."

And I would just
have to go, "Well, not yet."

I love that.

But that prepares you though.

You were dealing
with people directly.

I... Who's not dealing
with people directly?

Is that a real bow tie?

- It's a real bow tie.
- It's beautifully tied.

That knot is tight.

Have you ever heard
of the Bow Tie Exchange Program?

-No.
-Let me tell you
about this world.

If I have
my bow tie on, right?

Suppose another guy
was sitting over there.

He had a fancy bow tie.

If you like my bow tie
and I like your bow tie,

sometimes we'll meet,
and I'll say,

"Hey, nice tie."

Say, "Yeah, I like yours too."

It's a certain energy
and a look we give each other

and what happens is
you untie your tie,

he unties his tie,

and you exchange ties.

That sounds like the way
homosexuality was conducted
in the '50s.

Now, J.B., the 'J'
stands for "Jerry."

Jerry.

We are the Jerrys.
Okay?

I think

all Jerrys look
a little bit alike.

- Ooh.
- And I would say further

I think you and I look
a little bit alike.

We do.
I agree.

Absolutely agree.

- Really?
- Yeah!

-This fly is
just ruining my life.
-You... This fly...

I once saw
a short film that was...

somebody attempted to make
the point of view of a fly.

That's a wild ride.

If you could get
a camera small enough,
and I bet you someday

they will have a camera
they can mount on a fly.
Now...

you need permission from a fly
to put it on.

You can hold him down.

Yeah, but he still
has to... he may...

You know what I mean?
It may be uncomfortable.

I don't care.

Thank you.

Oh, my god.

I'm running this thing,
not the fly.

I love bees.

It's like human society,

but they don't have
the problems of human society.

The worker bee
doesn't look at the drone

and go,

"I should be doing that."

You're right.

I used to sell
fire extinguishers door-to-door,

which is the most
terrible...

Selling fire extinguishers
door-to-door is a art.

Oh, for sure.

It's one of the highest arts.

What was your most effective
fear tactic?

I mean, it's creepy.
You open the door,

I lean slightly

just to peek in a little bit.

Then I lean back up to see
if I can see anything
in the background

or hear kids.

- Good.
- Hear kids, you're okay.

If you're
a fire extinguisher salesman,

the best thing to see
on the floor is toys.

-Is toys.
-I imagine there's a lot
of "God forbid"

in that sales pitch.
Oh, my god.

-"God forbid, but if
that happens, Mr. Johnson..."
-Yeah.

So I gotta get in
your house, number one.

Once I get in the house,

I'll start doing
my demonstration.

So I get in the guy's house,

I said, "I'mma show you
a demonstration."

I took my pan out,
tear the paper up, aah,

I'll light it up,
wah, poom.

But Jerry,
you gotta realize

I must have done
100 demonstrations.

I didn't get a new sample
fire extinguisher for testing.

- Oh, no.
- So...

- Oh, no.
- Jerry, Jerry,

I start a fire
in the man's house.
Oh, no.

I went to use
this fire extinguisher.
It did not work.

That's a great story.

"How did the house burn down?"

"A fire extinguisher salesman."

Hi.

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday!

85. Jeannie.

-Jeannie. Happy birthday,
Jeannie. 85.
-Jeannie! 85!

God bless you.

That's a good one.

You should put on
some brighter colors

on an 85th birthday.
No.

Are you in
the Bow Tie Exchange Program?

Do you want to
exchange your bow tie

for her death pendant?

- I would love to.
- Oh, no, no, no.

No? Oh.

I love that both...
Oh, really?

Is that from the Titanic?

Look at the sheep.

They're all looking at us
like we're looking at them.

They're going,
"Look at those two guys."

This is where they got
the idea of Jar Jar Binks.

That one good joke
in seven "Star Wars" movies,

when Jar Jar Binks says,

"Ex-squeeze me."

That was the best line.

Do you think this looks
like you and me?

- It's very close,
matter of fact.

Have you ever been to
a bathroom with a trough?

-Yes.
-That's something
that I don't like.

I don't like it either.

Even though
you don't really care

what happens to your pee
once it leaves you...

- You don't care.
- But still,

I don't want it joining
everybody else's pee

right here right now.

I'm happy to be talking
to you today

as a fellow
automobile person.

What is it
about driving a car?

I mean, I just love
turning this wheel

and then the car turns!

- People like going places, man.
- Right.

But a classic car
enhances that even more

Yes, it does, because
there's a little time traveling.

Little time traveling.

- Right now it's 1964.
- Right.

So, I can't drink out of every
water fountain right now,

but it's 1964!

A certain thing I don't trust,

getting from people

a delivery of milk
from the milk company

to my house, to my porch.
Yeah.

- I don't trust...
- But they refrigerate it.

If the person delivering
the milk to me

was a cow...

Ah.

I'd rather have
the cow himself pull up

and milk himself
into the glass

and give it to me.

I'll tell ya,
a cow milking himself

might not be
the first thing

you want to see
in the morning.

"Comedians in Cars
Getting Coffee" will be
right back

after this brief word
from our sponsor.

Let's take the sound pack
out of your pocket.

It's out of my pocket
because the last thing

I want to do
is go on a drug deal

and they ask me
if I'm wired

and I say,
"No, I'm not wired."

Say, "What's that?"
"Oh? Ooh!"