Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 8, Episode 3 - Judd Apatow: Escape from Syosset - full transcript

(engine starts)

Jerry Seinfeld:
This is a 1968
Firebird 400 in solar red.

The 400 was the most powerful
Firebird you could buy in 1968.

Picture yourself.

You're a kid
living in Syosset, Long Island.

You're a comedy nerd.

Your life is a total zero.

You sit home every day watching
Mike Douglas, Merv Griffin,

Johnny Carson,
and David Letterman.

What car could possibly
break you out

of your miserable loserness?



This is that car.

Because it's got rally wheels,

hood-mounted tach,
auxiliary gauge clusters,

sport wood steering wheel,
rear mount antenna,

and custom exhaust tips.

But at over $3,000,

it's not something
you'd ever be able to afford.

Your parents aren't going
to buy it for you.

It's not even that good
of a car to begin with.

But you live on Long Island,
you don't know any better.

This is as high
as you could dream.

The boy that I'm talking about

is my very special guest
this week, Mr. Judd Apatow,

the very talented comedian,
filmmaker,



and comedy super geek.

If he had a car like this,

we would never have all
this fantastic entertainment

that he has made.

So today I'm going
to give him a chance

to see what
it might have been like

if he would've had this car
at that time

and could have made his escape
from Syosset.

- (telephone rings)
- Judd: Yes, sir?

Jerry: Judd?

Nobody really knows
if it's Apa-toe or Apa-tow.

It's Apa-tow,
but if people say Apa-toe,

I don't mind
'cause it sounds fancier.

Yeah, it sounds
like a dance step.

I wasn't sure if coffee
implied hamburger or not?

And a chocolate shake.

Sure. Chocolate shake
and a burger for breakfast,

I love that idea.

Let's do it.

I'm Jerry Seinfeld,
and this is...

Hello.

Jerry: Wow, look at this.
So much stuff.

There's stuff, yeah.
I like to see everything.

Is this where you write
when you're writing something?

Yes. This is where I write.

I try to do it in the morning
before it gets too busy.

That is hilarious.

That is 1989.
I was doing stand up then.

And then I found a picture of us
with Garry.

Oh, my god.

At "The Larry Sanders Show."

And here's the other thing
I was going to show you.

On your episode,
you said to Garry,

"What becomes of all
of David Brenner's jokes?"
Material, yeah.

So you go, "What happens
to all of Garry's jokes?"

I have them.

This is all his, like, set lists
and joke journals,

and his Rolodex.

Ah. Garry's service,
he had a service.

Back then you'd call your
service, "Do I have any calls?"

Yeah.
"Any calls for me?"

And I have a funny one
of Jay.

- You're 16 there?
- Yeah.

Jay said it looked like
"To Catch a Predator."

(both chuckle)

You know, I interviewed
you twice back then.

I did 50 of those interviews,

from Jay, and Harold Ramis,
and John Candy.

And I just grilled everybody.

I didn't even air
almost any of the interviews.

They were just for me.
I knew no one cared.

And it really
was like a textbook,

and when I went to college,
I thought,

I don't need to know
any of this,

'cause people like you explained
everything in great detail,

and that's how I felt.

I left college after a year
and a half.

You know what I found
that's so funny?

I was going through my hoarding.

This is when
I interviewed you in 1983.

We got to do
the same pose.

That's it.

- All right, let's get rolling.
- Let's get a hamburger.

Things like this that
are sexy make me uncomfortable.

'Cause, like, I don't feel sexy.

Of course you don't,
you're not.

That's where the car takes over.

-I have no interest in
good-looking people in movies.
-No.

Like, I would like
"Bourne Identity" much better

if it starred George Wendt.

I had no car.
My dad didn't buy me a car.

Of course you had no car.
It's written all over your face.

That's my car.

- Yeah, that's fine.
- That does not let me down.

It doesn't
lift you up, either.

(engine revs)

Nice.

You're in Syosset...

- I'm in Syosset.
- ...and you get into this.

Mom, Dad, "When are you
coming back, Judd?"

- Yeah.
- "I have no idea."

I remember I was
just starting out,

and I did this bit
I used to do
which was a letter

to my starving child
in a South American country.

And I slipped it in
right before bringing you on,

you know how an emcee does,
try to get a joke in.
Yeah, yeah.

And you walked on stage
and you went,

"That was funny."

And it kept me going
for about two years.

What do you want
from life at this point?

- Me?
- Yeah. Well, who else?

- (laughs)
- Am I talking to the dashboard?

You've achieved so much.
Yeah.

Dreams you never even had.

So now...

- Now what?
- Now what?

Well, you know,
I started doing stand up again
two years ago,

and it's very difficult
and really fun to do something

that you've always wanted to do,
so in a way,

I feel like
I made all those movies

just to get
good spots at The Improv.

- That's hilarious.
- (chuckles)

So you did "The Tonight Show
with Jimmy Fallon."

- Yes.
- It was a terrific set.

Any accurate drawing
of a Jewish person

is inherently anti-Semitic.

A perfect drawing of me
is like Nazi propaganda.

(audience laughs)

I mean, that really was
the only dream,

to do "The Tonight Show."
To do "The Tonight Show."
Right.

Right before I did it,
Louis C.K. sent me an email,

and it explained exactly
how to do the "Tonight Show."

With specific directions.

Like when you walk out
to the music,

don't bob your head,
the music's not for you.

I am so excited
about what we're going to eat.

Who decided that a hamburger's
not a breakfast food?

Humans.

So my mom, she was
having financial problems,

and she needed to buy a car.

And she got a Mercedes.

And I said, "Mom, why didn't you
buy a Camry

so that you had money to spend
on things like food?"

And she said,
"Because I'm not an animal."

(laughs)

It's fun when you first show
a movie

and the audience likes it,
the first time.

But then it's kind of gone.

A movie just drifts off

and at some point,
you feel you didn't make it.

You know, it's not
like stand up where you
can experience it every night

with the crowd and you have
this visceral human experience.

The funny thing
about making a movie

is you have to convince people
that it will make money.

- Right.
- But you don't know if it will.

-Right.
-When a movie bombs,
you feel pain for a while.

I always say
if you make three mega bombs,
you're out of the business.

If you have a huge bomb,
they'll let you do another,

if that bombs, they'll let you
do a cheaper one,

and if that bombs, you're done.

-The idea of this show
is we have a good time.
-Yeah.

-I've tried to remove all
the annoyances of a talk show.
-Yes.

The first being, I don't really
want to talk to this person.

(both laugh)

- So all guests you like?
- Yeah.

Isn't this great?
How funny is this guy?

-Harvey Korman may be
the funniest of all time.
-Yeah.

Oh, look at Leno.

I hate when they trick you
into doing the toilet shot.

Never do the toilet shot.

Look at the Carson shot!

Look at the look
on his face though.

You're entertained
just by the look in his eye.

Yeah. That's what
I thought was funny,

is Shandling seemed like they
were buddies from moment one,

like they were comfortable.

- Garry was very, very poised.
- Yeah.

I envied Garry's poise.

- Yeah.
- I didn't have that.

Oh, did you ever just feel like
you landed in heaven?

- Yeah.
- We're in heaven.

Have you ever seen a table
that wants hamburgers

and chocolate shakes on it?

- No, this is it.
- This is it.

Yeah.

And a chocolate milk shake.

People don't
generally recognize me.

But if I walk down the street,
and somebody says,

"Are you Judd Apatow?"

if I say no, they go,
"All right."

(laughs)

One of the reasons why I stopped
doing stand up and performing

is that Adam Sandler and I
auditioned for Jim Henson.

And afterwards, I heard,

"Jim Henson doesn't
want to give you the job.

He thought you lacked warmth."

It's like Hitler telling you

you don't have
the killer instinct.

Now when you stopped
doing stand up,

how many year break,
22 years?

I took a 22-year break,

but I hated not being part
of the community.

This never happens.

- This?
- This never happens.

You're not with other comedians,
the whole social...

But if you have a comedian
in the movie?

Yeah, but you shoot
three months

and then you work on it
for a year and a half alone.

Oh, I see.

I was so happy with how
"Freaks and Geeks" came out,

that in my head, I thought,
"My career is basically over.

"I accomplished what I wanted
to accomplish,

and everything else is gravy."

- Wow.
- And so nothing else matters.

I can experiment,
I can do anything,

because I did what
I wanted to do perfectly, once.

That is very healthy.

I don't think you need
to go to the shrink anymore.

I think you're right.

Are you anti-therapy?

Kind of, yeah.

Because it seems
self-perpetuating.

I could talk with anybody.
You could say to me,
"What's bothering you?"

I'll go for an hour.

(laughs)

When Garry died,

they decided
not to do an autopsy

because
what was really the point?

And then I see Albert Brooks,
and he's like,

"Was there an autopsy?"

I'm like, "Uh, no, they decided
there was no reason."

And he's like,
"Well, there is a reason,

so I could know what happened
and try to avoid it."

At the memorial,
everybody who spoke

all said things
that Garry had said to them,

and every person who spoke
killed with it.

Garry's lawyer
rips the roof off the place

quoting Garry.

You know, people responded
at Garry's memorial

to you and Garry,
and it's a big way.

Oh, that's nice.

There's something about him
that encompasses,

like, the human struggle.

Like he was trying so hard
to be happy,

and to find peace,
and to let go of his ego.

You're making me sad.

And he touched people
very deeply.

And Garry always said
the "Larry Sanders Show"

is about
people who love each other,

but show business
gets in the way.

I need that cheeseburger
so bad right now.

How hard is it to make
a cheeseburger?

It's a diner.
Where is it?

(bell dings)

Judd: Here's the thing I do
when it comes to food,

I always find
a rationalization why it's okay.

Oh, really?
You're the one that does that?

(laughs)

Do you find there's anything
with money

that makes you happy
more than simple things?

Oh, yeah.

(both laugh)

I never have anything
I want to buy.

I have no item that I like
that costs anything.

You have no taste.

(laughs)

Both my kids are really funny,
and my daughter, who's 13,

the other night she says,

"I don't want you and mom
to have sex."

And I go,
"What are you talking about?"

And she goes, "Six months ago,
I walked up to the door

and heard you have sex,
and it really freaked me out."

Maybe you were just trying
to get a plug in an outlet.

(laughs)

I think we were watching
like "Narcos."

I think she heard, like,
Escobar have sex.
Yeah, right.

Actually, that is
an interesting marker,

is at what age kids are allowed

to have tattoos
without permission.

Never. I just don't like
the idea of it.

Draw on a piece of paper
if you want to draw.

I could not make that
any better.

I feel like I don't want
to know where this place is

'cause I might just go back
all the time.

It's like when I was
a very young man,

I did mushrooms,
and I went to see

Frank Sinatra and Don Rickles
on mushrooms.

And my friend, on mushrooms,
was brought on stage by Rickles

and we had the best night
of our lives.

We talked about it for years,
we would just call each other

and just go like,
That was the best night
of our lives, right?"

After then afterwards,
I said to my friend,
"Can I get more mushrooms?"

And he said, "Oh, I lost
the contact of the guy."

'Cause he could see in my eyes
I was about to do mushrooms

every day
for the rest of my life.

So, you relate that
to this burger?

Exactly. Don't tell me
where this diner is.

What is it
when someone's funny?

Why do we love them so much?

You know, when I was a kid,
I loved that people were saying,

"All of this makes no sense."

The whole setup of this life
is crazy

and who's rich and who's poor,
and who has power

and the emotional life
of people, and spirituality,

and I love that
comedians decoded it all.

I love that comedians do that.

I don't think I could survive
without it.

Nothing goes better
with a cup of coffee

than an Acura TLX.

What does that mean?

That's, uh, contractually
obligated product placement.

That doesn't even make
any sense.

I'm legally bound!

When I was a kid,
my parents got divorced

and my mother got a job
seating people

at the East End Comedy Club
in South Hampton.
What?

I could not have loved it more.

I watched every single show
for an entire summer.

I always thought,

"My mom couldn't have
gotten paid any money

to seat people
at a comedy club."

No.

What do you pay a woman
to seat people, 50 bucks?

And how embarrassing is it

as an upper-middle-class woman

- who has a horrible divorce.
- Right.

And she knew I loved comedy.

And I think she must have,
on some level, thought,

"Judd would love this."

That's sweet.

And I remember Lenny Schultz
came in.

And Lenny Schultz
had that crazy act,

and how it ended was they put
plastic down on the stage.

He would put on
this Italian opera music,

he'd have a big thing
of spaghetti,

and he would lip-sync and throw
the spaghetti in his face.

It ended, like,
pouring milk over his head

and cracking eggs on his head.
Yeah, yeah.

And then he would
come in the kitchen

and jump in the giant sink,

and I would have to pour buckets
of water over his head

to get all the spaghetti
and eggs off of him.

And I could not
have been happier.

I think we got that done.

Fantastic.

I think there's 17 minutes
in there.

- No question.
- (both laugh)

Jerry:
"Comedians in Cars
Getting Coffee"

will be right back after this
brief word from our sponsor.

Well, I don't necessarily
believe in God.

Like, the only way
I could process
being a human being

is to examine it and learn,
and also to mock everything

and to see
the ridiculousness of it,

because there's no order
in my mind.

I don't even know
what you're talking about.

(Judd laughs)

(engine revs)