Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - I'm Going to Change Your Life Forever - full transcript
ripped by antsh
This is a slinky, sexy
1969 Jaguar XKE...
...Series 2 E-Type convertible...
...in opalescent blue
with dark blue leather interior.
It's got a 4.2-liter, dual overhead cam,
in-line six-cylinder engine...
...that puts out 266 horsepower.
It goes 144 miles per hour...
...and will do zero to 60
in 6.7 seconds.
When E-Type was introduced...
...Enzo Ferrari said that this was
the most beautiful car ever designed.
In the 1960s, if you wanted
to project power, grace and style...
...this is the car you drove.
-Hello?
-Sarah?
-Yes.
-It's Jerry.
Jerry.
I'm in your neighborhood,
I'm not doing anything.
-And I was in the mood for some coffee.
-Come pick me up.
-Really?
-What am I, busy?
Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld...
...and this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
****ing biscuit.
My guest is brilliantly funny
Sarah Silverman.
Sarah is from Manchester,
New Hampshire for some reason.
And there was no one in the world more
perfect to have a cup of coffee with.
-Hi, Sarah.
-Hi, Jerry.
-How are you?
-Thanks for coming to get me.
This is the car I picked.
Because it matches your blazer? Hi.
No, because it looks like you.
-This looks like me?
-Don't you think?
It's so wee.
It's like what Don Draper drives.
It's funny that you picked a Jaguar
because I have a secret love of Jaguars.
But I'm not a car person...
...and I don't believe in spending money
on cars, no offense.
What are all these switches?
-Isn't this kind of cool, James Bond-y?
-So old-timey.
Yeah, I like to press all buttons.
My nephew, when he was little,
would have gone crazy for this.
-Does your son like windshield wipers?
-No.
Is he gay?
Probably my greatest joy is going out
with comics and having lunch...
...and it's probably kept me
from real work, like, even as a comedian.
Like jobs where you shoot every day
and everything.
Not just comedians.
Well, my dad, this is his joy too.
His best friends are his friends
from camp.
-Oh, my God.
-His best friend, Arnie Goldstein...
...they have lunch every day
at the Clam King.
-What is his work?
-He's retired.
-He was--
-What was it?
He owned a discount
women's clothing store...
-...called Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet.
-Oh, my God.
-And he did his own radio ads.
-That's like--
Oh, my God.
But his accent is so thick, no one could
understand what he was saying.
And he just like,
"Hey, this is Crazy Donnie.
I got a-- When I see the prices
at the mall, I just wanna vomit.
Come to Crazy Sophie's.
When you care enough to buy
the very best but you're too cheap."
Is that what he would say?
And then my mother is, like,
the opposite but the same...
...where she's, like-- Speaks very well
and says, like, "when" and "where."
And she did the movie recording
before there was Moviefone.
You know, when you'd call
the movie theater?
"Thank you for calling
Bedford Mall Cinemas 1, 2, 3 and 4...
...where all bargain matinees are
only $2, Monday through Saturday.
Now showing:Annie,with Aileen Quinn
and Albert Finney."
You know, I think a lot of people
become famous to please their parents.
Like, my mom, like, would read
Peoplemagazine...
...and I got inPeoplemagazine
to kind of, like, be in front of her.
You know? I remember Kelsey Grammer
was on his show, and she goes:
"I'd love to meet Kelsey Grammer.
We both have a passion for diction."
And I was like, "He's not Frasier, Mom."
I've been working on this bit
about Scientology.
Like, it's only weird to us
because it's new.
-It's no crazier--
-We make fun because it's crazy...
...but it's no more bat**** crazy
than Catholicism or anything, right?
It's new to hear people worship a guy
named Ron in our ears.
It feels weird. We know Rons.
And, like, Ron L.--
He had to make his name L. Ron...
...because there was another
Ron Hubbard in the Writers Guild.
That's how recent of a religion it is.
-And that's why we feel weirded out by it.
-That's great.
-That is so funny.
-It's no more weird than ****ing everything.
-Do you remember Al Lubel?
-Very well.
I have an Al Lubel story.
I use it to illustrate the comedy brain.
It picks up so much except
a lot of basic stuff that you need.
So Al and I were doing a gig one time.
I think it was in Texas.
He had his jacket on, it was
a Members Only type of jacket.
He was putting the deodorant on outside
the jacket, in the underarm of the jacket.
I said, "What are you doing?"
He says, "I'm putting deodorant on.
You're supposed to put deodorant on."
I go:
"It doesn't go there. It doesn't go outside
the jacket. You put it on your skin."
And then I bet he goes,
"You're kidding me."
I have very close comedian friends
that, when I drive us to lunch...
...and I drop them off,
I have to air out my car.
Because they don't either
know how to wash their assholes...
...or they're not doing laundry.
-It's bad.
-Are they funny though?
Yeah, they're funny. And I love them.
Are you in the mood for coffee?
Yes.
God has no rhyme or reason
to who he gives a sense of humor to.
It's almost like homosexuality.
Like, gay men are pretty much born gay,
and women too...
...but then there are some women
that kind of like...
-They pick it up.
-...pick it up.
But it's like you're either
kind of born that way....
-Men are pretty much born gay?
-Not all men.
The "pretty much" bothered me.
Why?
See this car? It's a new Acura RLX.
-And Acura is the sponsor of this show.
-Is this a plant?
This is a plant.
That's their product integration.
-Sure looks like a great car.
-Yeah.
You shouldn't be so irritated
because you meditate.
Even when you're meditating,
you're like, "Really?"
Here we go. Oh, I'm so hungry.
My parents love to come see me...
...but I know my dad so well,
and he couldn't tell you one of my jokes.
He's looking at the other people
in the audience...
...like he can't believe
they're watching me.
-Really?
-He's just like:
He can't believe they're focused on me
and laughing.
First time he came to see me,
he fell asleep.
I went on at 1 in the morning
at the Boston Comedy Club.
And he's blocking the aisle
because he's sleeping like this:
It was so late.
What was the most powerful moment,
like, from ages 6 to 12?
It kind of shook up the whole
gumball machine for you.
Well, I had, like--
Sex and comedy converged...
...at like 10 years old, because
at the Goldsteins, Arnie Goldstein's...
...we watched, every day,Sleeper.
-Woody Allen'sSleeper.Just on a loop.
-Right.
And I didn't know what an orgasm was,
but they had that orgasmatron.
I was like, "What is it? What is it?"
You know, and like....
They're like, "An orgasm is, like,
the greatest thing you can feel."
I'm like, "I want an orgasm,"
you know, like....
Who do we have to blow for menus?
I went through a terrible depression.
I remember my stepfather said,
"What does it feel like?"
Excuse me.
May I have half-and-half?
-Half-and-half?
-Thank you. So sorry.
Of all the stories....
"I went through terrible depression
as a kid." "Excuse me.
Can I have some half-and-half?"
Was it that much of an emergency?
In the comedians' view of life,
those things are kind of equal.
-Come on, focus.
-What are we gonna eat?
-I'm so hungry.
-Me too.
Know what I think we're gonna be
suffering from here?
Hipster service.
-Could I get Millie's special with--
-A biscuit or toast?
****ing biscuit.
I love a biscuit.
So this kid comes up to me yesterday
on the street.
And from 20 feet away, at my back,
he goes, "Hey, Jerry!
Hey, Jerry!"
I wanna help people with their manners
a little bit.
-So do I.
-In interactions.
If someone gives me
a handshake like this, I go:
-"I'm gonna change your life forever."
-Yes.
Jimmy's daughter, Katie,
we were sitting in the car.
She's like this:
And I go, "Are you upset right now?"
She goes:
I go, "I'm gonna change your life
right now for the better.
If that's your default face,
throw a smile on there."
And she was cool, she was like:
Oh, my God.
I have never been so out-ordered
in my life.
Oh, you destroyed me.
-See you on the other side.
-You destroyed me.
Have you ever seen on YouTube,
it was a roast...?
And Jamie Foxx's, I'm seeing.
And this one comedian who goes on,
who's not famous or anything...
...and this guy comes out...
...and Jamie Foxx, on his, like,
lavalier mic, is heckling him.
Like, it is so brutal.
"I'm your conscience.
Maybe I should wrap it up."
And this guy is standing up there,
just trying to survive.
And it's heartbreaking for the guy,
but it's also, like, so hilarious.
And I watch this video--
Every six months it pops into my head,
I have to watch it. It's so brutal.
Years later, I was at The Comedy Store.
He goes, "Hi, I'm Doug Williams." I go:
"Oh, hi."
I had to go through this process
in my head where I went:
You have a face like a sock puppet.
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
You know how sock puppets,
they move very....
-They just dart around?
-Yeah.
And their mouths are very big
and expressive.
You know that-- They are hands, right?
They jet around, look around, expressive
eyes. You're talking about a hand.
I'm really a product of my parents.
They're overly honest with their lives
to their kids.
But it was normal for me.
Like, I remember being like 8
and my dad coming home and going:
"God, we were supposed to have dinner
with the--" I'll say Johnsons.
"And Mr. Johnson came and he said:
'Joyce can't come
because she's got her period...
...and it comes out like liver.'
And I'm like, 'I don't need to hear that.'"
And I'm thinking:
"I don't need to hear that. I'm 8.
I don't even know what that is."
There was never a filter that went,
"Maybe that's not appropriate...
...for my daughter."
People say disgusting things to me...
...because they think I'll like it.
So I have to go:
-"That's great." Inside, I'm like:
-Really?
You ever, like, meet a new friend
or someone that you go:
And then you eat with them
and you realize they're rude to waiters?
Oh, my God. It's horrifying.
That must be a thing
that happens on dates a lot.
I don't know.
I haven't really been on a date.
-Was it a friend?
-Someone I was working with that I liked.
It wasn't big. It's just dismissive.
Just like:
"I'll have...."
-Oh, yeah.
-You know, my family is like:
"I'm sorry, could we have a--?"
You know, like, it's very apologetic.
The worse the service,
the bigger the tip...
...because you feel so guilty about
the dialogue in your head and the rage.
You know what I mean?
You're so funny.
Tell your face.
Isn't that the way you wanna hear it?
Which feels better, okay?
You're so funny.
Or:
You're so funny.
-Those are my only two options?
-Yes.
-Which one?
-I guess the latter.
Right. Why? It's sincere.
Because you looked ridiculous
in the first one.
Have you noticed the popularity
of Ultimate Fighting?
-Yeah.
-AndThe Real Housewives.
These two things are two weights
on the same barbell.
What it is, I think...
...is the worst aspects of each gender
exaggerated to the maximum.
There should be a warning
in front ofReal Housewives:
This is not acceptable behavior.
Young girls watch this and these are
women totally defined by men or money.
I've been working on a thing in my act
that's like:
"Dear women of a certain age, your
heartbreaking attempt to look younger...
...is the reason your daughter
doesn't dream about her future."
Because all they see is their mother...
...putting all their self-worth
on making a wrinkle go away.
Right.
I've turned down things that-- I just go:
"I'd rather do stand-up
than say these exposition...."
****ty exposition for bad writing.
That's just not fun.
-The exposition eunuch.
-Yeah. Totally.
It's like, "But you're a lawyer,
and he loves you."
Good writing doesn't need, like,
some Greek chorus...
...in the form of a sassy friend, you know?
I wanted to do an episode
of my TV series, which we never did...
...where sitcom problems would crop up
and then be very quickly resolved.
You know,
"No, that's a misunderstanding."
I love it.
That means almost as much.
I love it.
I'm gonna use the restroom. I don't
wanna leave you alone. Are you okay?
Oh, my God, you don't think I can have
a good time without you.
-Thank you very much.
-Thank you so much.
Do you wanna go into K & C Donut
and get a doughnut?
I've figured out that the non-event
is the best part of life.
My dad is like that too.
He'll come and visit
and just do ****ty errands with us.
-Really?
-Then he'll be like:
"I'm such a lucky dad!"
He just loves it so much.
They got some madness going on here,
don't they?
-Yeah.
-What's the light-colored chocolate?
-There's another one back there.
-With a black coffee...
-Oh, yeah.
-...and that is amazing.
-What are these?
-Don't even get me started.
-Let's not even. Come on.
-Doesn't look like anything on my body...
...that's facing the ground.
-What about--?
-What about these here?
Honestly, my favorite would be the....
-Rugelach.
-What about this thing?
Looks like a spice cake
or something.
We want to get
some scratch-off lottery tickets.
We want the $5.
I don't know, I don't understand.
If I get two words or three words,
I get money.
-Seven words--
-My brain has already shut down.
We can't figure these out.
-So I'm giving it-- You want another one?
-Yeah.
See that truck behind it?
-Yeah.
-That's a regular person.
And this is you.
An elitist douche bag?
-This is good.
-Okay. There we go.
What kind of car do you drive?
-I drive a Saab 9-3 Aero.
-Oh, my God.
Could you be more New Hampshire
than that?
It's so true. It's so New Hampshire.
Any kind of classic lesbian car.
Doughnut?
I don't think I'll ever get married
because I don't like quibbling.
This is my reductive story of marriage,
it's one line.
And it's a wife talking to her husband
after a party.
And she says to him:
"I thought it was a wonderful joke
and I'm sure everyone else did too."
Obviously he told a horrible, off-color
joke that ruined everyone's night.
It doesn't matter
that he just ruined any chance...
...he's gonna have to advance
in his company.
And she's not gonna tell him the truth.
-I love that.
-Isn't that sweet?
-That sounds like what love is.
-It is.
You don't do what's right.
You do what makes the other person
feel good.
-Be each other's cheerleader.
-Yes.
And the first step to that is lying.
Let's go to San Francisco
and see if there's any funny comics.
We'll drive forever.
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee
will be right back...
...after this brief word from our sponsor.
Let's see what he leaves.
Thirty-one twenty-six.
Oh, that's nice.
That biscuit was so good.
This is a slinky, sexy
1969 Jaguar XKE...
...Series 2 E-Type convertible...
...in opalescent blue
with dark blue leather interior.
It's got a 4.2-liter, dual overhead cam,
in-line six-cylinder engine...
...that puts out 266 horsepower.
It goes 144 miles per hour...
...and will do zero to 60
in 6.7 seconds.
When E-Type was introduced...
...Enzo Ferrari said that this was
the most beautiful car ever designed.
In the 1960s, if you wanted
to project power, grace and style...
...this is the car you drove.
-Hello?
-Sarah?
-Yes.
-It's Jerry.
Jerry.
I'm in your neighborhood,
I'm not doing anything.
-And I was in the mood for some coffee.
-Come pick me up.
-Really?
-What am I, busy?
Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld...
...and this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
****ing biscuit.
My guest is brilliantly funny
Sarah Silverman.
Sarah is from Manchester,
New Hampshire for some reason.
And there was no one in the world more
perfect to have a cup of coffee with.
-Hi, Sarah.
-Hi, Jerry.
-How are you?
-Thanks for coming to get me.
This is the car I picked.
Because it matches your blazer? Hi.
No, because it looks like you.
-This looks like me?
-Don't you think?
It's so wee.
It's like what Don Draper drives.
It's funny that you picked a Jaguar
because I have a secret love of Jaguars.
But I'm not a car person...
...and I don't believe in spending money
on cars, no offense.
What are all these switches?
-Isn't this kind of cool, James Bond-y?
-So old-timey.
Yeah, I like to press all buttons.
My nephew, when he was little,
would have gone crazy for this.
-Does your son like windshield wipers?
-No.
Is he gay?
Probably my greatest joy is going out
with comics and having lunch...
...and it's probably kept me
from real work, like, even as a comedian.
Like jobs where you shoot every day
and everything.
Not just comedians.
Well, my dad, this is his joy too.
His best friends are his friends
from camp.
-Oh, my God.
-His best friend, Arnie Goldstein...
...they have lunch every day
at the Clam King.
-What is his work?
-He's retired.
-He was--
-What was it?
He owned a discount
women's clothing store...
-...called Crazy Sophie's Factory Outlet.
-Oh, my God.
-And he did his own radio ads.
-That's like--
Oh, my God.
But his accent is so thick, no one could
understand what he was saying.
And he just like,
"Hey, this is Crazy Donnie.
I got a-- When I see the prices
at the mall, I just wanna vomit.
Come to Crazy Sophie's.
When you care enough to buy
the very best but you're too cheap."
Is that what he would say?
And then my mother is, like,
the opposite but the same...
...where she's, like-- Speaks very well
and says, like, "when" and "where."
And she did the movie recording
before there was Moviefone.
You know, when you'd call
the movie theater?
"Thank you for calling
Bedford Mall Cinemas 1, 2, 3 and 4...
...where all bargain matinees are
only $2, Monday through Saturday.
Now showing:Annie,with Aileen Quinn
and Albert Finney."
You know, I think a lot of people
become famous to please their parents.
Like, my mom, like, would read
Peoplemagazine...
...and I got inPeoplemagazine
to kind of, like, be in front of her.
You know? I remember Kelsey Grammer
was on his show, and she goes:
"I'd love to meet Kelsey Grammer.
We both have a passion for diction."
And I was like, "He's not Frasier, Mom."
I've been working on this bit
about Scientology.
Like, it's only weird to us
because it's new.
-It's no crazier--
-We make fun because it's crazy...
...but it's no more bat**** crazy
than Catholicism or anything, right?
It's new to hear people worship a guy
named Ron in our ears.
It feels weird. We know Rons.
And, like, Ron L.--
He had to make his name L. Ron...
...because there was another
Ron Hubbard in the Writers Guild.
That's how recent of a religion it is.
-And that's why we feel weirded out by it.
-That's great.
-That is so funny.
-It's no more weird than ****ing everything.
-Do you remember Al Lubel?
-Very well.
I have an Al Lubel story.
I use it to illustrate the comedy brain.
It picks up so much except
a lot of basic stuff that you need.
So Al and I were doing a gig one time.
I think it was in Texas.
He had his jacket on, it was
a Members Only type of jacket.
He was putting the deodorant on outside
the jacket, in the underarm of the jacket.
I said, "What are you doing?"
He says, "I'm putting deodorant on.
You're supposed to put deodorant on."
I go:
"It doesn't go there. It doesn't go outside
the jacket. You put it on your skin."
And then I bet he goes,
"You're kidding me."
I have very close comedian friends
that, when I drive us to lunch...
...and I drop them off,
I have to air out my car.
Because they don't either
know how to wash their assholes...
...or they're not doing laundry.
-It's bad.
-Are they funny though?
Yeah, they're funny. And I love them.
Are you in the mood for coffee?
Yes.
God has no rhyme or reason
to who he gives a sense of humor to.
It's almost like homosexuality.
Like, gay men are pretty much born gay,
and women too...
...but then there are some women
that kind of like...
-They pick it up.
-...pick it up.
But it's like you're either
kind of born that way....
-Men are pretty much born gay?
-Not all men.
The "pretty much" bothered me.
Why?
See this car? It's a new Acura RLX.
-And Acura is the sponsor of this show.
-Is this a plant?
This is a plant.
That's their product integration.
-Sure looks like a great car.
-Yeah.
You shouldn't be so irritated
because you meditate.
Even when you're meditating,
you're like, "Really?"
Here we go. Oh, I'm so hungry.
My parents love to come see me...
...but I know my dad so well,
and he couldn't tell you one of my jokes.
He's looking at the other people
in the audience...
...like he can't believe
they're watching me.
-Really?
-He's just like:
He can't believe they're focused on me
and laughing.
First time he came to see me,
he fell asleep.
I went on at 1 in the morning
at the Boston Comedy Club.
And he's blocking the aisle
because he's sleeping like this:
It was so late.
What was the most powerful moment,
like, from ages 6 to 12?
It kind of shook up the whole
gumball machine for you.
Well, I had, like--
Sex and comedy converged...
...at like 10 years old, because
at the Goldsteins, Arnie Goldstein's...
...we watched, every day,Sleeper.
-Woody Allen'sSleeper.Just on a loop.
-Right.
And I didn't know what an orgasm was,
but they had that orgasmatron.
I was like, "What is it? What is it?"
You know, and like....
They're like, "An orgasm is, like,
the greatest thing you can feel."
I'm like, "I want an orgasm,"
you know, like....
Who do we have to blow for menus?
I went through a terrible depression.
I remember my stepfather said,
"What does it feel like?"
Excuse me.
May I have half-and-half?
-Half-and-half?
-Thank you. So sorry.
Of all the stories....
"I went through terrible depression
as a kid." "Excuse me.
Can I have some half-and-half?"
Was it that much of an emergency?
In the comedians' view of life,
those things are kind of equal.
-Come on, focus.
-What are we gonna eat?
-I'm so hungry.
-Me too.
Know what I think we're gonna be
suffering from here?
Hipster service.
-Could I get Millie's special with--
-A biscuit or toast?
****ing biscuit.
I love a biscuit.
So this kid comes up to me yesterday
on the street.
And from 20 feet away, at my back,
he goes, "Hey, Jerry!
Hey, Jerry!"
I wanna help people with their manners
a little bit.
-So do I.
-In interactions.
If someone gives me
a handshake like this, I go:
-"I'm gonna change your life forever."
-Yes.
Jimmy's daughter, Katie,
we were sitting in the car.
She's like this:
And I go, "Are you upset right now?"
She goes:
I go, "I'm gonna change your life
right now for the better.
If that's your default face,
throw a smile on there."
And she was cool, she was like:
Oh, my God.
I have never been so out-ordered
in my life.
Oh, you destroyed me.
-See you on the other side.
-You destroyed me.
Have you ever seen on YouTube,
it was a roast...?
And Jamie Foxx's, I'm seeing.
And this one comedian who goes on,
who's not famous or anything...
...and this guy comes out...
...and Jamie Foxx, on his, like,
lavalier mic, is heckling him.
Like, it is so brutal.
"I'm your conscience.
Maybe I should wrap it up."
And this guy is standing up there,
just trying to survive.
And it's heartbreaking for the guy,
but it's also, like, so hilarious.
And I watch this video--
Every six months it pops into my head,
I have to watch it. It's so brutal.
Years later, I was at The Comedy Store.
He goes, "Hi, I'm Doug Williams." I go:
"Oh, hi."
I had to go through this process
in my head where I went:
You have a face like a sock puppet.
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
You know how sock puppets,
they move very....
-They just dart around?
-Yeah.
And their mouths are very big
and expressive.
You know that-- They are hands, right?
They jet around, look around, expressive
eyes. You're talking about a hand.
I'm really a product of my parents.
They're overly honest with their lives
to their kids.
But it was normal for me.
Like, I remember being like 8
and my dad coming home and going:
"God, we were supposed to have dinner
with the--" I'll say Johnsons.
"And Mr. Johnson came and he said:
'Joyce can't come
because she's got her period...
...and it comes out like liver.'
And I'm like, 'I don't need to hear that.'"
And I'm thinking:
"I don't need to hear that. I'm 8.
I don't even know what that is."
There was never a filter that went,
"Maybe that's not appropriate...
...for my daughter."
People say disgusting things to me...
...because they think I'll like it.
So I have to go:
-"That's great." Inside, I'm like:
-Really?
You ever, like, meet a new friend
or someone that you go:
And then you eat with them
and you realize they're rude to waiters?
Oh, my God. It's horrifying.
That must be a thing
that happens on dates a lot.
I don't know.
I haven't really been on a date.
-Was it a friend?
-Someone I was working with that I liked.
It wasn't big. It's just dismissive.
Just like:
"I'll have...."
-Oh, yeah.
-You know, my family is like:
"I'm sorry, could we have a--?"
You know, like, it's very apologetic.
The worse the service,
the bigger the tip...
...because you feel so guilty about
the dialogue in your head and the rage.
You know what I mean?
You're so funny.
Tell your face.
Isn't that the way you wanna hear it?
Which feels better, okay?
You're so funny.
Or:
You're so funny.
-Those are my only two options?
-Yes.
-Which one?
-I guess the latter.
Right. Why? It's sincere.
Because you looked ridiculous
in the first one.
Have you noticed the popularity
of Ultimate Fighting?
-Yeah.
-AndThe Real Housewives.
These two things are two weights
on the same barbell.
What it is, I think...
...is the worst aspects of each gender
exaggerated to the maximum.
There should be a warning
in front ofReal Housewives:
This is not acceptable behavior.
Young girls watch this and these are
women totally defined by men or money.
I've been working on a thing in my act
that's like:
"Dear women of a certain age, your
heartbreaking attempt to look younger...
...is the reason your daughter
doesn't dream about her future."
Because all they see is their mother...
...putting all their self-worth
on making a wrinkle go away.
Right.
I've turned down things that-- I just go:
"I'd rather do stand-up
than say these exposition...."
****ty exposition for bad writing.
That's just not fun.
-The exposition eunuch.
-Yeah. Totally.
It's like, "But you're a lawyer,
and he loves you."
Good writing doesn't need, like,
some Greek chorus...
...in the form of a sassy friend, you know?
I wanted to do an episode
of my TV series, which we never did...
...where sitcom problems would crop up
and then be very quickly resolved.
You know,
"No, that's a misunderstanding."
I love it.
That means almost as much.
I love it.
I'm gonna use the restroom. I don't
wanna leave you alone. Are you okay?
Oh, my God, you don't think I can have
a good time without you.
-Thank you very much.
-Thank you so much.
Do you wanna go into K & C Donut
and get a doughnut?
I've figured out that the non-event
is the best part of life.
My dad is like that too.
He'll come and visit
and just do ****ty errands with us.
-Really?
-Then he'll be like:
"I'm such a lucky dad!"
He just loves it so much.
They got some madness going on here,
don't they?
-Yeah.
-What's the light-colored chocolate?
-There's another one back there.
-With a black coffee...
-Oh, yeah.
-...and that is amazing.
-What are these?
-Don't even get me started.
-Let's not even. Come on.
-Doesn't look like anything on my body...
...that's facing the ground.
-What about--?
-What about these here?
Honestly, my favorite would be the....
-Rugelach.
-What about this thing?
Looks like a spice cake
or something.
We want to get
some scratch-off lottery tickets.
We want the $5.
I don't know, I don't understand.
If I get two words or three words,
I get money.
-Seven words--
-My brain has already shut down.
We can't figure these out.
-So I'm giving it-- You want another one?
-Yeah.
See that truck behind it?
-Yeah.
-That's a regular person.
And this is you.
An elitist douche bag?
-This is good.
-Okay. There we go.
What kind of car do you drive?
-I drive a Saab 9-3 Aero.
-Oh, my God.
Could you be more New Hampshire
than that?
It's so true. It's so New Hampshire.
Any kind of classic lesbian car.
Doughnut?
I don't think I'll ever get married
because I don't like quibbling.
This is my reductive story of marriage,
it's one line.
And it's a wife talking to her husband
after a party.
And she says to him:
"I thought it was a wonderful joke
and I'm sure everyone else did too."
Obviously he told a horrible, off-color
joke that ruined everyone's night.
It doesn't matter
that he just ruined any chance...
...he's gonna have to advance
in his company.
And she's not gonna tell him the truth.
-I love that.
-Isn't that sweet?
-That sounds like what love is.
-It is.
You don't do what's right.
You do what makes the other person
feel good.
-Be each other's cheerleader.
-Yes.
And the first step to that is lying.
Let's go to San Francisco
and see if there's any funny comics.
We'll drive forever.
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee
will be right back...
...after this brief word from our sponsor.
Let's see what he leaves.
Thirty-one twenty-six.
Oh, that's nice.
That biscuit was so good.