Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 11, Episode 8 - Mario Joyner - full transcript

Okay, so you made it.

Now you need a car that fits your life,

but you're not a real showy person.

You're a quality person.

What are you going to drive?

You drive this!

This is a 1983 Mercedes-Benz
300 turbo diesel station wagon

in mango green.

No, mango green!

-Let's bring her out.

It has a three-liter ,
six-cylinder diesel engine,



with a four-speed manual
that makes 77 horsepower with turbo.

It has a famously indestructible
diesel engine.

You could probably pee in the tank
and it would keep going.

The other thing I love about this car?
The color. The color.

The human eye perceives color
through cones in the retina.

This color hits my cones!

They do last forever.

A Greek cab driver drove one of these
4.6 million kilometers.

Gregorios Sachinidis.

He got out, put on this beautiful suit,
and then just kept going!

♪ Remember times back in the '80s ♪

♪ When I was still young
And rolled a Hot Wheels Mercedes ♪

They have a beautiful
cloud-like ride.

You just feel safe and secure.



And in comedy,
we never feel safe and secure,

unless we are working with someone
like my very special guest today...

Why are streets so wide?

...Mr. Martin Short.

When Marty Short is coming on your show...

Why is Uber so popular?

...you are relaxed,

because you know
you're gonna get funny stuff.

- Why?

- Hello?
- Marty, it's Jerry.

Oh, Jerry, yeah.
I'm just sleeping here. How you doing?

Good. Did you forget
we have a show tonight?

Um, I guess I did.

Yeah. It's Tuesday.

- Oh.
-I'm on my way to your house.

Oh! I have a spray
that can put me back together again.

So excited to see him today.

And that's why I am Jerry Seinfeld,

and this
is Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

Do you live here?

Yes, this is my home.
We bought it in 1986.

-At the peak.
-At the p--

-Yeah, the absolute peak.
-Yeah, the short peak.

First of all, look at this car.
First of all.

First of all, yeah,
this is the car I picked for you.

It's beautiful.

Nobody is nervous on the day
Marty's booked on the show.

No one's nervous that day.

Every other day, they are.

So how do you translate
that sense of security into a car?

Have you had coffee yet?

-Uh, no. I'm dying for coffee.
-Great. Let's go.

Where is Jiminy Glick?
Is he coming back?

I'm one of the people...
I'm gonna give myself a compliment.

-You were the first Jiminy.
-No way.

You were the two first Jiminys.
Do you not realize that?

No.

When I did Primetime Glick
on Comedy Central,

and you were the first guest.

-Really?
-Yes, sir.

I've never seen a shirt collar
that actually goes up like that.

I mean, the distance
from the top of your shirt to your belt

is three inches.

I'll tell you why, it's Pilates.

It was always a thrill for me.

-It was my favorite...
-Oh, my God.

'Cause when you go on with Jiminy Glick,
you can say anything you want.

Um, Dave Foley said to me,

"You've finally created a character
who's as mean as you really are."

-You want to order food?
-I'll sip coffee for a while.

So, you're starting out,
you're doing stand-up,

before the pilot, before '89,

what's in your mind?

Accomplishment to be creatively successful
or fame?

Like, what's motivating you?

Well, why would you separate them,
first of all?

-I think--
-You're in show business.

I think it's like--

It's like saying, "I wanna be a banker,
be really successful, but not with money."

I don't... I mean, like...

But I remember, you know,
and this is now in the early '70s,

before she did SNL, Gilda Radner
and I were boyfriend-girlfriend.

-I didn't know that!
-Yeah.

For a couple of years.
And in our group, Paul Shaffer.

We all did this show, Godspell,

and Paul was the first person in our group
that went down New York.

He was gonna play The Magic Show.

-I remember being--
-Doug Henning?

Yeah. "The magic is illusion.
And illusion can be magical!"

For that act.

I remember Gilda and I phoning Paul,
and we were on extensions.

And Gilda saying,
"Paul, what are New York actors like?"

And Paul saying,

"I don't know, maybe I'm prejudiced,
but I think you guys are just as good."

-Right.
-And then I remember we got off the phone,

we both went, "Ah! He's so sweet."
We didn't buy it. We didn't believe him.

Right. What year would that be?

Seventy-three.

And this show, Godspell, came to Toronto.
And everyone wanted it.

It was gonna be a year,
and it was a hit in New York.

And they whittled it down
probably from 500 people to ten.

And then, that ten was Eugene Levy...

and Andrea Martin,

and Victor Garber...

and myself, and Gilda.

-I'll have some scrambled eggs.
-Some scrambled eggs.

Whole wheat toast.

We have sourdough or olive toast.

-Sourdough.
-Wonderful.

You just had an aneurysm there on...
when you heard "olive toast."

I remember my mother
when she got really old.

That a waiter would ask her what she
wanted would always catch her by surprise.

And then, she would go, "Oh."

I tend to, I must tell you,

with funny people, I am so delighted
with something that's been said funny

that I will immediately say, "Hey!
You know what Larry just said?" I'll go--

-Like, he'll say something really funny.
-Yeah.

They'll say it to me,
I'll immediately tell three people.

Because a funny line that is clever is
the most exhilarating thing in the world.

There you have it.

We have this in our show now.

Steve quotes this line from Bob Newhart,
which he says,

"I don't mean to denigrate
anyone who likes country music.

And for people who like country music,
'denigrate' means 'put down'."

And the audience laughs as hard

as they laugh at anything in the night.

And this is...

just a great joke from Bob Newhart.

He does it--

What we do is we do a little tribute
to great comedians and their great lines.

Am I in it?

No. And I wish you were.

If I had to say, "There's a picture
of Jerry and one of his best jokes,"

what would that joke be? Or best line.

Uh...

That's why you're not in it.

And then, Second City Chicago

formed a sister company in the spring.
Now, it's '73.

Gilda, she gets in. Eugene Levy gets in.

Danny Aykroyd wasn't in the cast,
but he was our friend. He gets in.

John Candy gets in.

And I never auditioned.

'Cause I would be, like, parties.

-I was the funny guy.
-Yeah.

I mean, everybody was funny,
but I was certainly not passive.

And, you know,
I had to think about it later,

but I would say, "No, I'm an actor.
I don't want to improv,"

'cause I didn't want to be funny
on demand like that.

Ah.

And it was after I realized
the error of my ways,

a couple years later
that I joined Second City.

You know, nature decides.

That talent, that's like a...

You know, it's like those plants
that come through the cement.

-Like the movie Alien.
-Mm-hmm.

It decides, "I'm coming out
of this guy's chest in this scene

whether he likes it or not."

-Right?
-Yes.

More coffee here?

Hannah, I would have more coffee
and maybe

a lovely orange juice.

-You got it.
-Thank you.

That's a great idea. I'll have one, too.

Orange juice? I'll be back
with some more coffee for you.

-You know what, take the flowers.
-Oh! I am taking the flowers.

How do you know when you've lost it
and shouldn't keep doing it?

No one tells you the truth.

Your agent doesn't tell you,
your lawyer doesn't tell,

your wife doesn't tell you.

So there's about a five-year period
where you should've stopped...

but you keep still doing it.

It's like Lucille Ball was...
I Love Lucy. Genius.

-Right.
-The Lucy Show. Okay.

You know? I mean, it's just not...
it's not as good.

-Wait. There's one more.
-Then there's Here's Lucy.

Now we're in trouble.

Help!

Voice is shot, you know.

For a long time,
I could pull off this bit.

So, I'm gonna walk over to you.

-You say, "Oh, young man!"
-Oh, young man.

Yes?

Did someone call me?

But now, you can't do it.

You could still do that bit.
I wouldn't use "young man."

There's something else.
I would change that.

Well, or the argument could be

that you keep "young man"
because it's so clearly isn't a young man.

Yes.

As I said, never assuming
that the kind of fame that I'd see

Jerry Lewis walking out on a stage
of The Tonight Show,

that wasn't gonna be me.

What did you get to do with him?

-That was great.
-I've impersonated him on SCTV.

It was very important
that I made Jerry really funny,

'cause I think that's kind of the secret
of when you satirize something.

And sometimes that ingredient
is not included,

and it's a big, big mistake, which is,

if you're satirizing Jerry Lewis,
it's like a Hirschfeld sketch.

You can show the warts and the arrogance,

but you also have to show the genius

and why people looked at him
and loved him to begin with.

-Yeah.
-Then when I met him I was very nervous.

Oh, yeah.

And he was so sweet and so lovely
and great with me.

And he'd seen your stuff?

Later on, he said,
"Didn't you do me on the telephone?"

And he went...

"That sounds funny."

-Really?
- Yeah.

-He was lovely. He was lovely.
-Wow. Yeah.

Stand-up was not, um...

I tried it once,

when I just first left Second City stage.

And a friend of mine, Carole Pope,
had a punk rock group called Rough Trade.

And she said,
"Why don't you open it for me?"

And I said, "Sure."

It was on a Monday.
So I thought, "I'll write some material."

And I went out,

and the whole audience, you know, had

"Rough Trade" carved in their neck,
and they were in chaps, and...

You know, two were dressed
as my deceased parents.

I mean, it was a horrible audience.

And, um...

And my material was more like
not so much that it was joke,

but people would turn to each other
and go, "Exactly." You know?

And it was not the crowd.
And a guy through a beer in my face.

After that, Carole came
to my dressing room.

She said, "I'm so sorry
that that happened.

Tomorrow night's gonna be so different."

And I said, "Yes, it will be
because I'll be home watching Mannix."

I think one of the reasons Steve Martin
is enjoying what we're doing so much

is that he'll have such belief

-in a new line.
-Yes.

And he'll literally paste things,
and, "I'm so excited about tonight!"

-Yes.
-"I want to say that new line.

-I just feel it's gonna work."
-Yeah.

And then, it gets nothing.

Nothing.

And I stare at him.

And the two of us
go completely hysterical, right?

And then, after the show, we're drinking
a glass of wine and we are loving

-this failure.
-Yes.

Like, I always feel so badly
for these reality television people,

because show business is so hard anyway.

Can you imagine embarking on it
with zero talent?

First of all, they're grateful
for the half second they're gonna get.

-I guess so, I guess so.
-And...

they don't know,
as they're paddling the canoe,

that what that rumbling sound

a hundred yards away is.

-Like Deliverance.
-Uh-huh.

They don't know
that they're about to go over the falls.

Mm-hmm.

And it's all right.

They're just going through
all the Deliverance.

Yeah, They're just, you know,
"Hey! This is fantastic.

What is that sound?"

"I don't know, but this is great."

When you're going in
to socialize with people

who are not in show business in any way...

Well, I raised my kids, you know,
in Pacific Palisades.

We raised them with a bunch of families,
you know,

who also have kids of similar ages.

And after 25 years,

you've known them for 25 years,
these people.

And they're great.

-And...
-Are they? Are they really?

-It's like when people come backstage.
-How about when they don't say anything?

-Happens to me all the time.
-All the time.

I once had a bunch of friends

who are not in show business

to come backstage.

They do not mention the show.

Then we go to dinner,

and they do not mention the show.

And then the bill comes
and I grab it and I pay for it.

And then now we're heading back home,

and my wife, Nancy, and I
have an argument.

"Why would you pay that bill?

It was eight people."

I said,
"Because I had to get out of there.

Because no one had mentioned a word
about something I'm just

still sweating from doing
for two and a half hours.

-Get me out of there!"

You know, to me,
if you're in show business,

you come back and say, "That was fun."

That's when you want to...

take a machete from just...

Just a quick beheading.

Okay, here's
an existential question.

I don't prepare anything for these shows.

No kidding.

One of the greatest,
most satisfying laughs I ever got

-is when I made Mel Brooks laugh.
- Wow.

And I said to him,
"What's your big beef with the Nazis?"

And Mel said...

What's my big beef?

Like in the next seven nights
of your life,

do you have seven people
trying to have dinner with you?

You must be constantly schlepped
to every dinner, every group.

Anybody's getting together,
"Call Marty." Right?

-I tend to go with the same group.
-You do?

-I'm very social. Absolutely, I'm social.
-Right.

Did you have something
that you like to do that was fun

that was outside of show business?

Well, I told people I did.

But, you know, and then people say,

"Well, what do you do, Marty,
when you're not in show...?" Oh, tennis.

-Love tennis.

-Couldn't care less about tennis.
-Really?

-You would pretend to enjoy tennis?
-Just to make me sound more rounded.

Right!

Larry David, back to Larry,
is obsessed with his golf.

-Yeah.
-And will talk about it.

"You know, Kenny G told me
if I go one, two, three! Hold for a...."

You know, that's... He'd practice that.
I'd say, "Larry, how'd you play?"

"I played the worst game
I've ever played in my life."

-He's never happy...
-Never happy.

...about how he did.

You know? But it is a passion
that he loves and wants to improve on.

-Oh, please.
-You don't buy it?

That he's going to improve?

You know, we didn't get back
to Mike Nichols.

This is how fast he was.

One time, '94 or something,

and we're at a gallery opening ,
and Mike said, "Where are you staying?"

And I said, "The Essex House."
He said, "No, but really."

-You are a Jewish person, correct?
-Yeah, that's correct.

Why is it...

that...

if you are born and raised Jewish...

I love... I'm so excited right now.
I love being asked Jew questions.

What's the funniest Jewish word?

It might be schnorrer.

-Do you know what it means?
-No.

A schnorrer is someone who picks
the cashews out of the mixed nuts.

Oh, look at that cute little dog.
Hi, baby. Such a nice dog.

-Hi, sweet dog.
-I would love a dog like that.

Hi, little dog.

You seem like a perfect dog.

-A perfect dog. Yes! You're perfect.
-Here's the big question.

Because you look like a dog,
but you're not too big.

I know you're not a car person. Just stop.

-No, no, no. This is beautiful.
-It's beautiful.

No, it's beautiful.

Now, why not white walls?

-Get in the car.
-All right.

Santa Monica Car Wash.

Tuesday special, $17.99.

Are you kidding me?

It's $17.99 to get your car washed?

You think that seems high?

-Yeah.
-Oh, are you insane?

You are living in a dream world
of residuals.

What if we looked at some stars' homes?

-What if we get one of these maps?
-I'd love that. Okay, let's do it.

I can't believe
these people still do this.

Do you recognize us?

I... You guys are stars.

Yeah. Yeah, kind of.

It's on the house.

-Hey, thanks.
-Oh, thank you very much.

You're welcome. Have fun.

Hey, how're you doing?
We're looking for stars, too!

Yeah.

Take a picture of me and Jerry
real quick.

Now look at that house.
Now that... Who lived there?

Okay, that!

Oh, Lucille Ball!

A friend of mine

grew up in Beverly Hills

and would... knew Lucie Junior.

-The mom--
-Lucie Junior?

Yeah, in other words, she--

-You know, Lucie Arnaz.
-Yeah, but that's not a Junior.

Why?

She's female.

Oh, yeah, Jack Benny
lived around here, too.

-Oh, they lived next door.
-Who do we love more than Jack Benny?

-I love Jack Benny. No one.
-No one!

Oh, my God, that's exciting.

This is so much fun.

-Want to go to his house?
-Gotta go to Stan Laurel's, yeah.

-Yeah, let's go to his house.
-"Hey, Ollie."

Just the joy of hanging with these people.

-That's the other thing.
-Yes. Yes.

I mean, I think the hang
is more important sometimes than the job.

-I'd like to see Cary Grant's house.
- I would, too.

I couldn't believe I found this.
I just had to buy it.