Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 11, Episode 7 - Martin Short - full transcript

Martin Short talks about the '70s Toronto comedy scene and being funny on demand as he and Jerry drive around LA in a 1983 Mercedes station wagon.


This is a 1959 Lambretta Series 2.

Certain machines create obsession.

I am obsessed with Italian scooters
from the '50s and '60s.

And let me tell you why it's special.

When you fall in love
with a vintage machine,

it's not just the machine,
it's the moment in which it lived

and why it was popular at that time.

After World War II, Italy decided
they had to build the cheapest,

most basic, most practical way
to get around. The scooter.

This is the guy who designed one
of the first Vespas, Corradino D'Ascanio.

Don't you wanna be like him? I do.



But here's what happened.

Even though they were designed
to be cheap utilitarian transportation,

it was done by Italians,

so it had beauty,

it had style, it had panache.

Look at the forms, the styling,
the beautiful colors and shapes.

Unlike a motorcycle,
they wanted to cover up the engine,

so there's no gas and oil spatter.

And the front,
so your pants don't get dirty.

Italians, they care about clothes.

Here's one being built in the late '50s.

And here's mine today.

Can you understand why that's fun?

I got the book.



I got the model.

I can't get enough of it.

Scooters were in movies.

Men drove them with sports jackets
and little pocket squares.

Women drove them in dresses
with families.

No helmets, nobody cared.

Remember when life was
kind of a cheap throwaway thing?

Was it more fun? Of course it was!

I always wanted to have
my very special, little Italian machine

with a very special,
little Italian comedian.

The incredibly funny Sebastian Maniscalco.

Amazing!

Hello?

- Yo.
- What's up?

Well, welcome back to the show,
Sebastian.

I feel like there's more I'd like to get
out of that head of yours.

Can't wait to see what it is.

I know the name of the show
is Comedians in Cars,

but today we're gonna do something
a little different.

- Let's do it.
- This is my scooter.

This is my show.

We're gonna dress sharp and bring
a little two-wheeled elegante

to an Italian neighborhood in my town.

-This is a great moment.
-This is a great moment.

Could this be more perfect? No.

And that's why I'm Jerry Seinfeld,

and this
is Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

So, you know I'm fascinated
with, uh, your lifestyle.

First of all, I love the way
you pronounce "fascinated."

-You like that?
-You're not "fascinated."

You're "faescinated."

So, this is

-how we're gonna get around today.
-This is beautiful.

You know, they used to do six-day races.

-That's what the six is on the front.
-Okay.

And the name of the scooter
is a Sei Giorni.

-Oh, sei giorni.
-Six days.

Sei giorni.

- Wow! This is fun!
- Oh, yeah.

Doggy!

This really feels like
an Italian scooter fantasy,

-doesn't it?
-Doesn't it?

You are very particular
about every aspect in your life.

Yeah.

There is nothing about which
I am not very particular.

Or as my mother would say, a pill.

Relaxing.

-Oh, relaxing.
-Vacationing.

Enjoying leisure time.

I am not good at that.

Yeah, you told me in the past that

-you have a problem with, uh...
- Yeah.

Depression.

-I get... I have depression.

-This amuses you.
-I...

I...

Yeah, I got inspired in Italy
to get my own Vespa, right?

- Oh.
-So, I went there. I saw it, but...

The guys there,

the way they drive
and the way they look...

-Yeah.
-...I tried to replicate that at home.

-Doesn't work.
- Ah, I know.

Jess and I took a trip to Italy, we said,

"Let's have breakfast like this
every morning."

Prosciutto, cheese, salami.

Espresso.

We tried it twice. It's horrible.

Perfect.

Wow.

I love going by myself
to the grocery store.

If I'm going to make a steak,

picking out particular meats.

So, you don't even bother
with the cooking?

-Me?
-Yeah.

-No?

A couple Christmases ago,
my wife and I got in a little argument,

and I had a Christmas hat on.

And, uh...

we started arguing
in front of the family...

-Yeah.
-...which is... was awkward.

-Yeah.
-So, we had to move the argument

into the backyard.

I... It was one of those arguments
where I just took Christmas hat

and I chucked it over the fence.

It landed in the neighbor's yard.

-Did you ever do that?
-Chuck a Christmas hat? No.

So, a little red Santa hat
with the white pompom

-and the white fur border.
-Yeah.

-Right over--
-Wearing that in a...

and being in a middle
of a knockdown drag out,

that's a good comedy scene.

You got a best friend?

That seems a little juvenile.

I've told you this before,
but I wanna get it out in the open,

-now that we're...
-Okay.

Your texting...

is so minimal.

Well, you're not engaging me.

Well, what do you wanna talk about?

First of all, if we wanna talk,
let's talk,

because that's what we do well.

Mm-hmm.

We don't type. We're not typists.

-We're "talkists."
-We are.

-Right?

I don't what the hell you're doing.

You could be in the middle of this
or whatever.

I don't know what your schedule is.
Again...

You don't-- Why would you
have to know anything?

If I'm not free, I won't answer.

You're in an old model.

In the new model...

These people that pick up the phone,
"I can't talk now."

-Why are you answering?
-Yeah.

So, how do you do socially
when your wife says,

"Hey, I met this girl and husband, and...

I made a dinner.

We're gonna go out with this couple."

-Does she do that?
-All the time.

-All the...
-Yeah.

I don't go near people. I don't chitchat.
All right?

I know a lot of people
like to go in the midst of people,

"Oh, hi!"

This is my favorite thing.

Comedians attempting to function
as normal people.

I have problems with it.

Yeah.

I'm not a comfortable guy.

Around a lot of people,
like a dinner party.

-Or a--
-Dinner party, or, I don't know...

-A little event.
-Mm-hmm.

-You go to an event...
-Event.

...and you're kind of, uh,
wandering around.

Like a new puppy
looking for a comfortable spot.

Yes, yes. And I rarely find it.

I'm like a cat. I love to hide.

-All right?

Does your wife understand
this aspect of your personality?

-I feel sorry for her sometimes.

Did she know before you got married
that this was what she was signing up for?

She did, but, uh...

I don't know if she knew the extent of it.

Didn't know the extent.

Like, sometimes when I do these things,

I wonder, like, how these guys,

you know, the crew, how they're...

Like, are they, like, going,
"All right already."

Like, I'm in my head sometimes going,

"Man, I hope these guys
are enjoying it."

Do you ever think that?

No.

There's no money in these guys.

There's another audience out there,
that's where the money is.

-But don't you think--
-Inside the lens.

If you look in there,

-that's where the money is.

If you ever left LA, where would you live?

New York City, California, tight,
you know?

-I like it tight.
-You like it tight.

-I'm... Just like my act, I want it tight.
-Tight.

Yeah. I need
a little bit more, like, room.

Okay.

Like, I need... I need, like, grass.

-I love that idea for you.
-You love grass?

I love grass.
And I love to see you in grass.

I love the sound of this thing.

I got gasoline in my veins, dude.

I just love hearing this thing run.

There's not enough texture there
for a guy like you.

Cultural texture, that's what I miss.

This. These guys. That face.

-Look at that face. Look at that face.

He looks like they made the sandwich
out of his head.

Well, I gotta reevaluate my life now
after this show.

I have to-- I'm gonna come home
and go, "Babe, there's not enough...

-texture here for us." "What?"

What should we get?
We want a big, nice hero.

The number... the number one hero here
is the Italian special.

Stop right there.

This is nice.

Hmm? This is my fav.

So, are you a sandwich guy?

-Do you--
-I am right now, yeah.

-This is a great moment.
-This is a great moment.

Nothing like a good sandwich.

You're gonna have a big family.

-Yeah?
-If I was a younger man,

I would've had six, seven kids.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Did you feel that way going in,
that you wanted--

No.

So, kids made you wanna have more kids?

Sure.

Like a sandwich.

-The more you eat, the more you want.
-Yeah.

There's chaos in my house,
and it's just total madness.

It's the greatest.

What are you doing tonight?

-Nothing.
-Come on over.

-Yeah, that's--
-Can I host you for dinner?

That would... That would be fascinating.

♪ Lambret twist ♪

Scooters!

Do you have pistachio?

I see you have
mint chocolate chip.

That's what I would like.

I'm gonna get the smallest one you got.

I'll have the next one up.

Big cover story today

in the Arts & Leisure of The Times
on Lenny Bruce.

Oh, yeah?

When did he pass away?

Sixty-six.

At the ago of 40.

Of what?

Drug overdose.

Did you ever meet him?

I was eleven.

Remember we talked about
that bit about, um,

the basement, the den.

-You bring the girl in the den.
-Yeah.

-Did that ever grow into in anything?
-Yeah.

-Going to downstairs and--
-Yeah.

-Nothing matches in a basement...
-Yeah, yeah.

...in the '80s.

That was a piece to the puzzle
of the dancing bit,

because then you'd ask the girl out,
you'd take her out,

you take her back to her place,
you end up in the basement.

With, like, the, the, the...

the bleach, and the smell of Tide,

-and mold.

You're to be, like, sexy and all...
And all that.

I think it's...

one of the most powerful bits
that you have hit upon

in your young career

-is the company bit.
-Yeah.

Twenty years ago, your doorbell rang,
that was a happy moment in your house.

It was called company.

That's the bit, I think, that really
kind of resonated with everybody online,

-and that's kind of what really...
- Yeah.

-...propelled a lot of--
-Isn't that amazing?

It is a tremendously powerful bit.

Your mother had a little Entemann's.

There'd be some Sara Lee Crumble Cake.

She made an announcement
when she bought it.

She's like, "Listen,
nobody touch this cake.

This is for company only.

Those crap muffins,
those are for you people."

The word doesn't exist anymore.

-"Company?"
-Yeah.

Doesn't exist.

We're having company.

-Yeah, it...
-Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.
It's a word that kind of got lost.

"That's for company."

Everybody grew up with that,
hearing that in the house.

You don't know it's gone.

Nobody goes,
"We're having company tonight."

No.

Now your doorbell rings...

It's like, "What the ?"

Get down!

Get the sword in the living room. Somebody
get the sword underneath the couch

in the living room. There's a sword.

Oh, my God! What a day!

This is nice!

I'm so excited you're coming over
for dinner tonight.

Why?

Because we're having company!

Wait, hold on.
I got a battery warning.

All right, see you later.

Tammy, you're in my shot.