Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 11, Episode 3 - Ricky Gervais - full transcript

This is the 2018 Rolls-Royce Dawn
in gunmetal.

The name of the interior color is hotspur.

No idea what that means.

It's a two-door, four-passenger
convertible Rolls-Royce

that weighs 5,600 pounds,

but has a 6.6 liter,
twin turbo, 12 cylinder,

BMW 563 horsepower motor.

So, down the road you go.

Rolls-Royce says it's the sexiest car
they've ever made.

That makes me uncomfortable.

Just make the car,
don't tell us what to do.



I've never driven a car like this.

I've never been in a car like this.

But I have to admit,
I let the car close the door,

I took off, and I loved it.

It's not mine, but it is something else.

Obviously, there's a bit of a problem
if you want to consider owning

and driving a Rolls convertible,
which is,

"What are other people
going to think of me?"

-Oh, God. We got a homeless guy and--
-Yeah, and you're in a Rolls-Royce.

-I don't have any money at all on me.
-I don't have anything.

Oh, this is the worst.

But maybe not so much
for my incredibly, lovely,

unbelievably hilarious,

very special guest today...



Arrogance mixed with stupidity.

Mr. Ricky Gervais.

Or "Gervaous."

Ricky talked about how well he's done.

They're saying, "He's so famous.
He's rich. He's mega rich."

I am.

I could have this place burned down
for a laugh.

The last time
I had Ricky on the show,

I had him in a car
in which he was not comfortable.

Jerry! For sake!

So, I wanted to make it up to him,
and I decided to go as big as I could

so he would be comfortable and happy.

Hello?

- Ricky.
- Hi.

It's a beautiful, fresh, crisp,
delicious day.

Is this enough for a phone call?

I'll take anything.
How did you sleep last night?

All right, just forget it.
I'll be there in a minute.

But he is truly, truly one
of my favorite people to talk to.

I don't know what it is about him and I,
but we just have so many laughs together.

It's a thrill to have him
back on the show.

I couldn't be more excited.

And that is why I'm Jerry Seinfeld,

and this
is Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

Do you want to do this
like I've come down?

-Like I've come down from my apartment?
-Okay, sure.

-Yeah, sure.
-Yeah?

So, what should I do?
Let you come in.

"I'm here to see Mr. Gervais."

-I say it to this guy?
-What are you doing? It's your show.

You're in charge. Do what you want.

I'll come out of there.
I'll just go this way.

Like you've been waiting.
You tell me when.

-Hi.
-How are you?

I'm here to see Mr. Gervais.

-Is it "Gervaous" or Gervais?
-Gervais.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

-Oh, hey, Ricky.
-How's it going?

Nice to see you.

I'll be real quick.

Bathroom.

-Oh, yeah. Through the secret bat cave.
-Okay.

This isn't the lobby, by the way,
this is actually my apartment.

-That's what's weird about it.

I have someone here all the time.

It's nice, isn't it?

I need a bed.

That's all I need is a bed.
Then we'll... Then we'll be finished.

-Today's gonna be good for Ricky.
-Okay, good.

-This?
-Yeah.

-Now we're talking.

Now we're talking, yes.

I love it. All right.

-You have to hold it down.
-Oh.

-I'm loving it.

Wow. What a beautiful car.

Now, what about taking the top down?
It's kind of chilly for that.

This comedy is always my discomfort.

-Okay. Take the top down.

Right, it's freezing. It's 40 degrees.

It's 40 degrees!

Oh, Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, !

How you doing, man? How you doing?

There's always something happens.
Always something happen.

-It's always something dangerous.
-Of course something happens.

Nobody's interested in a show
where nothing happens.

That's great.

If we're not gonna be shy
about the fact that we've done well...

Probably the only thing I spend money on
is comfort and safety.

-Living---
-Hence, the Rolls-Royce Dawn.

Yeah, but I'd be happier walking,
probably, around New York.

Well, I'm certainly glad
I went through the trouble.

No, I mean, I...

I have never been
in a car like this in my life,

and I have to say I absolutely love it.

I love New York.

-I love Manhattan.
- Why?

-It's vibrant.
-Yes.

You can do what you want.
There's never two people the same.

-I just people watch.
-That's true everywhere.

-Uh...
-Where are... where are people the same?

All the same?

-China, maybe?
- I knew you were gonna say that.

-I knew you were gonna say that.

-I knew you were gonna say that.

I knew you were gonna say that.
And I just...

Yeah.

Yeah. You're gonna leave that in?

-I have no idea.
-Are you gonna leave that in?

Look at that nice little Mini.

-Where are they all the same?
-What-- Is that--

"China, maybe."

They just...

That's...

I don't know what to do.

-That's one of the...
-I'm getting in deeper here, aren't I?

One of the best and worst things
you've ever said.

Do you think
you'll ever stop working?

- Um...
-You're just gonna look bad

at a certain point, right?

-Well, I look bad already.

Who cares? I'm a comedian.

-That's true.
-"I love that comedian. He's so handsome."

That's never happened.

If I see a comedian trying to be too cool,

-or too sexy...
-It's over.

Or driving around
in an open top Rolls-Royce.

-Saying, "Look at me."

Where I come from,

you couldn't park this outside
without it getting trashed.

-Right.
-And I'm sort of with them.

I think UK is still
the most class-based... maybe India.

The celebrity class has changed it all.

And it's sort of like celebrity
is a new class now.

-It's very American. That's very American.
-It is. It is.

I mean, it is everywhere now,
but it is quite American.

-I think, obviously Hollywood started it.
-You know what? I'll put the top up now.

But they're always stars,
they're always rock stars, you know?

Um...

It used to be...
It used to be opera singers.

In some places, it's sumo wrestlers.
There...

You know, there's always been celebrities.

They used to be sort of wits,
and poets, and artists.

And revolutionaries.

Now it's us.

You're not even listening.

-It's just so boring. It's so boring.
-It's like an episode of Big. Like Big.

It's not about class anymore,
because there are bigger issues,

and, you know, poverty
in all those things.

-When you say "pov-r-ty"...
-Yeah.

...that's really, uh, low class, isn't it?

-"Pov-r-ty."
-Maybe.

-Maybe, yeah. Yeah.
-"Pov-r-ty."

Why do you just give up on the letters
halfway through the word?

-Well, you have "pov-r-ty."
-Yeah.

There's three more letters to go.
We're not done.

- How's Jane?
- Good, very good.

When's the last time you had a fight?

-Oh...
-And what was it about?

I can't remember. We don't...
We don't fight.

- We fight more.
-Yes.

-We bicker.
-Yes, we do.

It's a good lull.

-"It's a good lull," did you say?
-Yeah.

Lovely.

I was gonna say "borderline racist,"
but it wasn't borderline, it was racist.

There was no malice.

It came into your head.
It came into mine and I didn't say it.

And then it came into yours
and you did say it, and I laughed.

I was... I was... I was...

It was joyful that you'd said it
and I hadn't.

And I was little jealous, "Oh, I could've
said that, but I didn't," right?

You're gonna admit to me that certain
cultures are comedic and certain are not.

I think it's love of language.

And the love of the language
would make sense.

I think English has twice as many words
as the next language.

-Really?
-Mmm.

No. Where'd you hear that?

That sounds made-up.

Uh, probably at university.

You never went to university.

Nobody who says "pov-r-ty"...

The things that people think
are worth saying.

I know. But also,
sometimes there's a restriction

that they have to be so banal,

because they mustn't get a complaint.

Because they're a commercial radio station
or they have shareholders.

-So that's another restriction.
-Oh.

Whereas, if you don't care
what people think

-and you're not beholden to anyone...
-I see. Right.

...you are instantly more interesting,

because you can say things like,

"Oh, the Chinese aren't funny
and they all look the same."

And you don't care that you've upset
one billion people.

There are clubs in England,
and sort of those chain clubs,

where the comedians are told
where the hen night is.

And just for the American viewers,
what is hen night?

The bride and...

-and seven of her--
-Oh, like a bridal...

Exactly. Where they hire the white limo...

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-...and get dressed up,

and within three hours, they're in a...

in an alley throwing up their guts.

And going, "Don't tell him.
Don't tell him. I'm a disgrace.

I... I...

He shouldn't...
He shouldn't marry me. I'm a disgrace."

You're not a bloody disgrace.
You just had too much, babes.

"I'm gonna hold your hair."
"I got vomit on my hair! Yeah."

"I shouldn't have had that other kebab."

That's a hen night.

Where are we going?
Are we in Vermont?

-Where are...

-What is going on?
-Come on, RIcky.

This... I have such a nice car,
and you enjoy spending time with me.

What's the difference where we're going
and how long it takes?

Were you really also going to say,
"Probably the Chinese"?

Were you really thinking that?

I... I...

-When we...
-I did... I did think it.

I did think as a racist cliché, yes.

As a culturally, uh, un-PC cliché...

-Right.
-...yes.

-But I don't believe it.

-No, I don't either.
-No.

-It's...
-'Cause we're not racist.

No.

-And certainly not against the Chinese.
-No.

No sunglasses.

-Well...
-The eyes are your genius,

that's your magic.

You're the only person
in the history of the show

that has given me a hard time
about the sunglasses. The only one.

And I care why?

You take the fake documentary away
and The Office is quite a boring show.

Uh-huh.

'Cause it's just an idiot being stupid
and people not caring.

-I see. So that--
-So, once you know

he's trying to be discovered,
"Everyone will love me."

-"Everyone will love me."
-Right.

You know, it suddenly...
it brings it to life.

Comedy is a normal guy, or gal,

a normal person trying to do something
they're not equipped to do.

-Right. Right.
-That's what we're laughing at.

And the bigger their blind spot,
the more exciting it is.

And I just try to take it to nth degree
with David Brent.

So the build was his blind spot.
And you do it with a fake documentary.

So now, he can say something
to the camera,

and then we can see that's not true.

That's very, very, very brilliant.

Why the V? Why do you like the V?

-You always have a V.
-I don't know.

You don't like a crew.

-I always see you in a V.
-Yeah.

-Why the V?
-I think it makes me

look like I've got a neck.

It's a little bits of vanity.

Is there anything...
Is there a comedic gift

that you would love to have,

but you don't quite possess?

Well, I suppose it's the people
I've stolen from.

-Right.
-Like, I tried to get

a bit of the humanity
from Laurel and Hardy.

These two idiots, they both thought
the other one was a bigger idiot.

Look at that.

How do you like that?

Is that what you wanted?

-It's what I've got.

The nearer to the punchline
you have to think about something,

-the worse it is.
-Right.

Just if someone shouts something out,

the closer you are to the punchline,
you got to start again.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Sometimes you get interrupted
in the middle of something.

I say, "Did you ever see that thing
where there's, like, a train going by

and there's one empty car,
and there's a guy with a motorcycle

and he goes through
when he jumps through that space?"

-I go, "That's what a joke is."
-That's exactly it.

Once that train goes by,
I can't jump my motorcycle anymore.

Yeah. I think I said, it was like, um...

-hitting the golf ball.
-Uh-huh.

That you're okay...
You can be interrupted there...

-That's great.
-...but not there. You go...

I did this joke, I came out to the crowd,

and I said, uh,

"Eighteen years sober."

And they gave me a round of applause.
And I went, "The first 18 years."

Since then, I've been drunk
every night of my life.

-Right?
-That's funny.

The paper picked it up...

and put, "Ricky Gervais admits
to being drunk

every night of his life, from 18."

And now the big question,
I think, the last couple years...

It's always been around,
but the last couple of years is,

you know, the fight for freedom of speech.

-I joke about really terrible things.
-Yeah.

-And I know they're terrible, of course.
-Of course.

And whenever a new thing comes out
that's raw and sensitive,

people say, "You don't understand."

-I go, "No, I do understand."
-Of course.

"I know this is bad.
I know the Holocaust was bad.

I know AIDS is bad.

It's the joking about it that
you don't like, 'cause it's your thing."

I was saying about freedom of speech,
you should be able to joke about anything.

And they say things like, um,
"Oh, you agree with Hitler, then."

I go, "Well, no, it wasn't so much
what he said."

-Right.
-"It's what he did."

If he had just said things...

It would've been a lot better
for all of us.

Our fight for the right
to joke about anything--

Do you think it's ebbing away
in this culture?

This is the thing about freedom of speech.

Um, everyone agrees with it
until they hear something they don't like.

So, do we leave that China joke in or not?

What will they do?

-If you were quoted out of context...
-Yeah.

Do they risk
offending the Chinese?

...it would be very, very unfair.

How could you possibly win
against the massive population...

It's tricky!

It's so subjective.

It's sticky.

I could never hurt the Chinese.

It's Ricky.

You don't really think all Chinese people
are the same?

-No.
-What if people make comments

on the Internet?

'Cause you're offended
doesn't mean you're right.

Is there any way out?

-You can go to jail.
-Hate crime?

Stay tuned
for the exciting conclusion

of Ricky Gervais, "China, maybe?"

-Same Comedians in Cars time.
-You're the one that looks the idiot.

Same Comedians in Cars channel.