Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 11, Episode 2 - Seth Rogen - full transcript

There's a certain very special quality

that great comedians,
great performers have.

It's a pure survival instinct.

Certain cars have it, too.

When even the Police Department says,

"We can't get another mile
out of this thing.

But it won't stop. It can't.

It just doesn't know how to die."

This is one of those cars.

It's a 1976 Dodge Royal Monaco sedan.

Does anyone need it? No.



What is it good for? Nothing.

But I like things that exist just because
they decided they want to exist,

which is why I think

it's the perfect car
for my very special guest today,

Mr. Seth Rogen.

Seth doesn't look like a movie star,
but he is one.

He looks like a stand-up comic,
but he isn't one.

It's 'cause I'm Canadian.

Oh.

- Hello?

Seth? Jerry Seinfeld. How are you?

I'm wonderful.
How's it going, Jerry?

I like to say,
"I feel fantastic."

You're wonderful, I'm fantastic.
We're both lying. Let's do it anyway.



- Okay, good.
- All right, see you in a bit.

I'm Jerry Seinfeld, and this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

-What's happening, sir?
- Dude.

Good to see you.

-Welcome.
-Perfect.

Yes.

It's perfect.

-So, it's you and Even Goldberg?
-Me and Evan Goldberg.

We're building a better office.

-Where?
-We're leaving the lot altogether.

-We almost destroyed this studio.
-Is it 'cause of the Korea thing?

Yeah, it's because we haven't felt
welcome here ever since then.

So, when you and Evan write,
where do you sit?

We share a computer.

We literally, like,
pass the keyboard back and forth.

How many years?

-We started writing Superbad...
-Right.

...when we were 13 years old.

And now we're 36.

We have a good dynamic.
He just had a baby.

-So, he's not here.
-Right. Do you have a baby?

I have no children.

-No children?
-No.

-Do you have kids?
-Three.

Three?

Do you regret--
Like, do you like your kids?

-What?
-I'm always wondering...

I'm always looking for someone to admit
they regret having children.

Oh, my God!

This is crazy.

-It's a cop car.
-Yeah.

-It's kinda like The Blues Brothers' car.
-It's kinda like that, yeah.

This is amazing.

-Are you in the mood for coffee?
-I'm always in the mood for coffee.

Me too.

Does your company make other things
other than this show?

-No.
-Or do you just do this?

I don't even think my company does this.

-You don't even do that.
-I don't even know if I have a company.

So, how many things
do you have going right now?

Man, we'll have, uh,
four TV shows on the air.

-Wow.
-Yeah.

Then we'll have a few movies
coming out in theaters next year.

-Like, big movies.
-Wow.

-Yeah. It's nice.
-Jeez, that's impressive.

-Did you ever want to make a movie?
-No.

When I moved to LA, I thought
I was gonna be a stand-up comic.

-Right. Wow.
-Like...

And then I started doing
stand-up comedy in LA,

and I was just like, "Oh, I am not nearly
as good as these people." Like...

There's a joke that a comic I know
in Vancouver would tell

that I think of all the time,
where he's like, uh,

"I wanted to be a boxer until I fought
a guy who really wanted to be a boxer."

Uh-huh.

And that's, like, exactly how I felt
about stand-up comedy when I got here.

I was like, "I wanted to be
a stand-up comic

until I was around people
who really wanted to be stand-up comics."

-That is fantastic.
-And were like...

Would you rather hurt someone's feelings

or have someone hurt your feelings?

Uh, I probably rather have someone
hurt my feelings.

I don't ever want to hurt
other people's feelings. Obviously.

-No, of course not. But we do.
-But it happens. We for sure do.

I don't view

understanding the things
people might be offended by as...

as... as closing in my parameter.

-That's right.
-I view it as...

lines that I understand they exist...

-Right. That's right.
-...and I choose to deal with that

in a case-by-case basis.

-That's a formula for success.
-Yeah.

But the... but the point

-for people like us...
-Yes.

...is to find the line,
and then dance on the line.

-Which I think that we do.
-Right.

I think obliviousness is the thing
that people don't like.

When they don't think you can tell

you're making a joke
that is inappropriate.

If you know it's something
that is taboo to be saying,

and that's folded into the recipe,

then you can say
whatever the you want.

People don't like it when they feel like
they're in a room with someone

who doesn't understand

-where social norms lie.
-Right. Yes. Right, right.

"This guy get where the line is?

Is he gonna say something that, like,
is gonna be super weird?"

Yeah.

- Are we going to Canter's?
-Yeah.

Yeah! That's amazing.

- Oh, man.
-When was the last time you were here?

-Like, a week ago.
-A week ago.

-Yeah.
-Right.

- What are you gonna get?
-I would love some coffee.

I would also love some coffee, yes.

So, how far down the road
in stand-up did you go?

I did it from when I was 13 to 18.

-So, I did, like, a solid...
-That is so crazy.

...five years. And I would perform, like,
three or four nights a week sometimes.

Why are you going to school?
How could you do that?

-I didn't graduate from high school.
-Wow.

Give me a bit that you had
that you liked to do.

I had a joke about Krazy Glue.

"What's so crazy about it?"
It was like that. Um...

That's funny.

-It was. I channeled you.
-I like that.

-Why's it so crazy?
-It sticks to stuff really well.

-It's what it should do.
-Yeah.

-The most sane glue there is.
-Oh, is that crazy?

-Yeah.
-Sorry.

What were your parents reaction

to the fact that you didn't
graduate high school?

They were okay with it.

Who are these people?

When two people fall in love,
the symbol for this love...

a little naked man
shooting an arrow through your heart.

Is this the best way to symbolize love?

"Darling, I love you,
and I want you to mar--

- New York stresses me out a little.
-Yeah.

I've gotten to learn

it's too much energy or something
like that. I just can't, like...

I find myself just like pacing around
my apartment like a weirdo.

And just, like...

-You have an apartment?
- In New York, yeah.

-But you don't feel comfortable there?
-No.

I like that.

Have you eaten today?
Do you normally eat breakfast?

Do you want to split some french fries?

-Sure.
-Let's have some french fries.

-Yes.
-Yes.

-Thank you so much.
- You're quite welcome.

Let's talk about...

Only because it'll make us both
very uncomfortable.

Oh, good, let's do it.

Let's talk about that night in Jersey
when we bumped into Cosby.

'Cause I'm pretty sure...

that was the last time I saw him.

That night was

a comedy award thing.
I don't even know what it was called.

The New York Comedy Awards,
or some like that.

And Bill Cosby was getting, like,

-a Lifetime Achievement Award.
-Right.

Or something like that.

And I remember him
sitting in the back of the car...

-Yep!
-...with the, uh, trophy in his lap.

And I remember saying,
"What are you guys doing?"

-Yeah.
-And he says to me,

"Well, I just got this
Lifetime Achievement Comedy Award

because you turned it down."
Which I did.

Did you win a lot of awards for the show?

We won one Emmy.

That's psychotic.

-No, that's the beauty of the stupidity...
-It's true.

-...of the whole thing.
-It is very true.

- Anyway...
-Were you a big fan of his?

-Massive.
-Of his stand-up?

Yeah.

-And talking to him about comedy...
-Yeah.

-...was the greatest thing in the world.
-Yeah.

And he said
some of the nicest things to me...

-Yeah.
-...about what I was doing.

Letterman once told me I was funny.

It was like the greatest thing
that ever happened to me.

-I still think about it all the time.
-Great. Of course.

-That's why we don't need awards.
-Yeah.

I always feel like the life is the award.

-100%. Yes.
-That you get to do this.

Why would I need anything on top of that?
That's why it won't accept it.

-Yeah.
-It's embarrassing.

Yeah. It was also a award show.
You could tell.

If it was an Oscar,
you wouldn't take it back.

-Yeah, I would.

Did you ever host those?

Half a time.

One year there was
a bunch of hosts, right?

Yeah, that was me.

And I did a speech about

hosting an award show
is not a job in show business.

Because when you have a job
in show business and you do it well,

-they give you more jobs.
-Yeah, exactly.

So, when you host an award show
and you do it well,

you don't get anything.

They ask you to do this again for free.

Yeah. Bill Cosby, now.

That night was the night Hannibal

-first told me that he...
-Come on!

I swear to God, man.

We were on stage after the award show.

And it was like me and Hannibal talking,

and Bill Cosby was like right there,
talking to someone else.

-Like, Chris Rock or something.
-Yeah.

And I was, like, star-struck,
'cause it's Bill Cosby.

And I was, like...
I'm friends with Hannibal.

And I'm like,"Yo, dude.
Like, it's Bill Cosby right there."

And he's like, " that dude.
That guy's raped tons of women."

I was like, "What?"
And he just like, "Yeah. It's known."

And then, like, a month later
he started telling the joke.

And they caught on.

That's like what kind of made people
come forward.

But, like, I remember.

That night was the first I heard of it
and being from Hannibal.

So weird, man.

-It's like so crazy.
-It really is.

It's like you were on the grassy knoll.

I kind of was. Just was sitting there
twiddling my thumbs.

-Yeah.
-Doo, do-do, do-do.

I didn't say anything,
but I was on the grassy knoll.

Exactly. I wasn't paying attention.
I was checking my phone. But I was there.

- What else?
-Wow.

-That was intense.

It's intense .

-Intense conversation.
-Yeah.

Yeah.

Why do you have a beard?

'Cause I realized I could change
the shape of my head.

I think, like, a lot of men,

and I think it's become a trend
because of this,

have realized that, like, if you have
a soft chin and a fat head...

Oh, yeah.

...you can really make your head
more angular.

I don't assume,

because I can't see your chin,
that it's a good chin.

All I know is a chin
is being kept from me.

Suspicious of a beard.

-Very.
-What are they hiding?

I was thinking,
if I could make another Bee Movie,

-Jeff Bezos would be a big character.

He'd be the head of the hive.

Yeah, after we made Sausage Party,
we were like,

"Oh, we could have characters
named Okra and Kale."

Right. That is heartbreaking.

It's heart-- It's truly
one of my greatest comedic regrets.

I was with Will Ferrell recently,
and he was telling me a story

about how he was at an award show
years, and years, and years ago,

and Prince won an award.

And Prince wasn't there to accept it.

And they didn't realize that. Like, they
thought Prince was gonna come up.

-Right.
-And there was a moment when

people didn't quite know where Prince was,

and Will was, like,
"In that moment," he's like,

"I had the idea to get up on stage
and accept the award as Prince."

-Right.
-And not make a joke about it.

Just literally go up and be like,
"Thank you so much. I appreciate it."

This must've been
ten or twelve years ago.

He was like, "Ah, it would've been
the funniest thing

that ever happened."

-That hurt so badly.

It hurt so bad.

You know why it hurts even more?

-It's so Will Ferrell.
-Mm-hmm.

-It is a perfect Will Ferrell--
-It's the best joke ever.

-He would've done it perfect.
-He would've.

He would not have smirked or laughed.

-They would've played for years and years.
-For years.

Reels on his reel on retrospectives.
It would've been...

- You're doing a test?
- I feel good about it.

Do you? I see you sweating.

-I just sweat--
-I see a little sheen.

-You sweat all the time?
-I don't sweat all the time.

-But I'm sweating now. Is it okay?
-Are you nervous?

I'm nervous with you a little bit.

You're pulling the shirt
like you're shvitzing.

I am shvitzing a bit.

A napkin under the shirt.

You made me "nervouser" about it.

So gross, what you're doing.

-In an attempt to be...

...somehow polite...

You're making it so much worse.

-Why'd you do this to me, Jerry?
- Because it's funny.

- Do I seem nervous?
-Yes.

-Like, don't say that.
-You're talking incessantly.

Don't do this to me, Jerry.

You dick.

- What is that?
-It's just a cage full of .

-Who would cage garbage?

With a pad-- With a combination lock?

You're good at being a famous person.
But I find it's a skill that is 100%

not associated with the things
that make people famous.

It's like acting is one skill, and being
a famous person is another skill.

Just 'cause you're a good actor

doesn't mean you'll be good
at being a famous person.

-Know what I mean?
-For sure.

Well, I think maybe stand-up comics,
though, are probably better at it.

-In general.
-They are.

-Again.
-Because they, like--

-The raw interface is what we do.
-Yeah.

They are good with the raw,
and they're good at, like,

managing energies and kind of...

-Right.
-...shifting people into their zone.

-That's right.
-And, like,

-that...
-Agility.

Exactly. And, like,
oh, if someone comes in hot,

-you can, like, lower their energy.
-Yeah.

And if someone is being awkward,

-you can break the ice.
-Yeah.

But, like... and that's a skill
as a comic you need,

but an actor
doesn't need that skill

-at all.
- Right, right.

You know in the song "Love Machine,"
the guy that does that...

"Ooh, yeah."

-Yeah. Ooh, yeah.
-You would be--

-Yeah. You could do that.
-I could do that.

Yeah.

I find that musicians like comedians.

-I like--
-It's like chimps and orangutans.

-Exactly.
-We know we're similar,

-but we don't really...
-We don't quite get how.

-We can't really... hang out.
-We couldn't put our finger on it.

Yeah.

Here's what I want.
Here's a movement I want to start,

-and I'm gonna ask you to start it.
-I'll do it.

I want...

movie posters to stop

having a facial expression

where one person is not aware
of how much they're irritating

-the other person in the poster.
-Other person.

I probably had three movies
where that is the poster.

That's fine. I'm gonna...

-I'm gonna give you pass on all that.
- It's okay.

- Hey, wanna go to Arby's?
- Yeah, let's do it.

Let's see
if they "have the meats."

Hello, gentlemen. How are you?

Can you... Can you say it?

We have the meats!

Twelve-year-olds' favorite prank call,
to call us and say,

"Do you..." I mean, literally,

-two or three times a day.
-Do you see where...

-That's where we're at.
-We're in good shape.

- Jerry.
-Thank you.

-Here you go, you guys.
-Do you have 'em?

Yeah, we have everything. Arby's,
Horsey, Ketchup, Ranch, BBQ, Buffalo,

-Honey Mustard--
-But what else do you have?

We have the meats!

Have a great day, guys.

Thank you.

-Who has the meats now, Arby's?
-Yeah, who has 'em now?

-That was good.
-Wow. That was great.

-You wouldn't expect it to be delicious.
- No. But it was.

"The Song of the Heart," Happy Feet.
Music and lyrics by Prince.