Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - I Hear Downton Abbey Is Pretty Good... - full transcript

ripped by antsh

This is a 1970 Triumph TR6.

Six-cylinder, 150 horsepower...

...another great square-jawed,
bulldog British sports car.

The color is Tahiti Blue.

In the '70s, people just always tried to
work the word "Tahiti" into anything.

I'm sure English people
in the '70s thought...

...if they could somehow get to Tahiti,
this is the blue they would see.

-Hello? Hey, what's going on?
-Hey.

Still alive.

Wanna get tea? I know you
don't like tea, you'll have coffee.



Please, I gotta do something.

All right.

Hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld.

And this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

Today my guests are
Colin Quinn and Mario Joyner.

Two really good friends,
great comedians...

...and masters of the art
of hanging out.

What's going on?

Oh, here it is. I love it. It's funky.

-Wanna go get some coffee?
-Yes.

All right, let's go.

Isn't that the same jacket
from the Acura commercial?

It is.

This is great.
The panel is really what makes it.



I love when all the heating and ventilation
stuff makes absolutely no sense.

"Heat, pull max...

...air, pull, defrost...

...one, two, car."

You couldn't make it
more confusing if you wanted to.

It's the greatest.

This place we're going
in Brooklyn, it's great.

Even when I was a kid,
and I lived basically a few blocks away...

...you did not go to Red Hook
unless you wanted to die.

You're not gonna believe what these
young kids have done to Brooklyn.

-By young kids, we mean...
-People in their 40s.

...investment bankers.
Real estate speculators...

...who decided, "Let's throw a few kids
in there as sacrificial lambs in the '90s.

After they get killed,
we can buy up the property."

Did you see that thing in the paper...

...about a Chinese-food delivery guy
on the Upper East Side?

-No.
-Do you get the paper?

Yeah, I'm sorry I don't get up at 5:30.

I'm not in the Marines.

I used to be
a Chinese-food delivery boy.

But of course,
you had to be careful too...

...because you'd be pedaling that bike,
kids are chasing you.

We're 13, he's got money, let's get him.

Is this the greatest thing
you ever heard of?

Honestly, if they have Diet Cokes
at this place....

If it's Pepsi, I'm walking out.

-I got you.
-I'm walking into the Red Hook projects.

Would you consider
moving back to Brooklyn?

-Yes, I would.
-I always thought about living downtown.

When I'd have that thought,
I'd think:

"What would my grandparents think, who
busted their lives to get out of there?"

-I just couldn't do it to them.
-This was all waterfront.

Now they're fixing this up here, see?

It used to be a working place.

Now they're fixing it up so people
can jog on it and run strollers by it.

-This used to be like thousands of jobs.
-That's right.

Now they're fixing it up.
Don't worry about those jobs anymore.

Here we are, dude, Fort Defiance.

There's my Jack Lemmon
parking spot.

Remember how he would pull in,
in every movie?

You never see him circling the block,
do you?

Welcome to the new Brooklyn.

I can tell this place
doesn't have Diet Coke.

I guarantee they don't have any soda.

We have a lovely, natural bicarbonate
you might enjoy.

I'll have an Americano coffee, please.

Do you have any soda?

We have a gingerade.

-How's that Diet Coke?
-It's the best thing in the world.

-So go ahead.
-Go ahead.

Go ahead, do your best.

You have to really be from New York
to say "go ahead."

I do that joke: "They say life's too short,
I say it's way too long."

There's something to that.
Do you think that's how life ends?

That you really just go,
"It's enough, I had enough."

I know when my time comes,
that's how I'm gonna feel.

-Yeah.
-I already feel that way.

-That's what kids does for you.
-Keep you around?

It's something to watch.

Tell me, aside from that,
what isn't just completely...

...brain-numbingly repetitive.

Everyone says Downtown Abbey
is pretty good.

I haven't seen it, but....

Thank you so much.

Would you like to move
into the tea phase?

-Or are you--?
-Yes, I would love a lovely tea.

-Thank you.
-Look at that.

I think we'll be back here some day.

It's been flowing.

Mario will come in and break it up.

-Oh, ****.
-Hello.

-How are you?
-How was your set last night?

-Fantastic.
-Didn't you love that reaction?

"How was your set last night?"
"Fantastic."

-I'm always relaxed.
-You are.

You hate that I'm so relaxed.
I don't believe anger helps you be funny.

Well, that's where we'll beg to differ.

-Crankiness, yes.
-What's the difference?

One's the toilet water,
the other's the perfume.

I'll have two eggs, any style.

-There you go.
-You choose the style.

I don't feel comfortable
saying "over hard." I'm sorry.

-You think it's sexual?
-Slightly, yeah.

-It's uncomfortable. "I'll have those...
-No runny yolks.

...over hard." I just don't want
to say that in a restaurant.

"I'll have them on Viagra."

I go to three restaurants a day,
four if I have dessert-- Fridays.

Fridays I go to a dessert restaurant.

-So you have a Friday dessert ritual?
-Yes.

And you don't have desserts
other days?

I do, but not ritualistically.

-Well, you're having tea.
-Yes, I am.

-How's the tea, Colin?
-Good.

Better than your usual?

I hate to say it, but yes.

He likes to be dismissive
and judgmental...

...of the Brooklyn hipsters that have
taken over his beloved neighborhood.

But guess what, they have brought
some strong values of their own.

-Who are the Brooklyn hipsters?
-All these people you see here.

If they were really hipsters,
how could there be so many of them?

It's like the VIP club you go to.

Hundred people in the club,
1000 in the VIP room.

Yeah.

You always try to get me
to do this bit.

I've never seen the bit.

It's interesting, but what's the bit?

See, it's not even a bit yet.

It's a story I should turn into a bit.

A guy gets on the bus I used to ride.

Some kids get on and say,
"Anybody got any change?"

And this woman looks in her purse
to see if she has some.

There's a guy sitting beside her,
all button-downed...

...he goes,
"That was a stupid thing to do...

...to open your purse
when these kids get on.

They're looking if you got money,
wait for you to get off...

...knock you, take your money."

He was very nice about it,
almost like a minister.

-The lady agreed.
-She agreed too.

He starts berating her, he goes:

"Yeah, that was just plumb stupid.

I would never do nothing like that.
That's just ignorant."

Everybody on the bus is just going--

She's getting uncomfortable...

...she's like,
"Okay, mister, I heard you."

He's like, "Oh, you heard me?"

Oh, no.

-Oh, no.
-"Look at you.

I'm trying to ******* help you out."

-Cut to: they're in an argument.
-No, no.

He turns to her and is like,
"Now shut the **** up."

Threatening her,
"I'll bust you in the mouth."

Finally this younger brother
across from them scoots up and goes:

"Hey man, just leave her alone."

He's like, "Leave her alone?
I'll bust her in the mouth and shoot you."

And the whole bus just gets quiet.

I sit there like, "He's got a gun."

Someone says that,
you have to believe them, right?

This guy opens his jacket and goes:

"I'll shoot you."
And the guy stops. He's like:

"I guess you'll have to shoot me."

He goes, "I will then."

Then the bus stops
and this younger brother...

...jumps on the guy
and starts beating him up.

Beats him down, bus stops.

Those emergency windows
actually work.

Everybody starts pulling them,
and they jumped out.

I'm on the bus at the center door.

I'm one of the last people,
and I'm peeking over.

This guy's beating this guy,
knocks him out.

The guy's on the ground just laid out.

He checks the guy for a gun.

He goes,
"Oh, ****, he don't even have a gun."

Meanwhile,
people are outside cheering:

"Yeah! Beat him up! Beat him up!"

He didn't have a gun, so this guy runs.

Bus driver says, "Take off, we'll tell him
what happened." The guy comes to.

He wakes up, he's got a big knot
on his head, bloody.

He goes, "What happened?
He assaulted me."

Everybody's like, "Assaulted you?"

And that's the story.

The perpetrator-to-victim turn
is very funny.

From the nice, wisely uncle to prick,
to the victim.

-Right. That's right.
-He does it all.

That's what's cool about it.

So there's a lot going on
in these buses.

-In these black neighborhoods.
-Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness.

-A lot going on.
-Right.

I'll bless you.

I hate to be one of those people,
but I'm gonna be.

People don't understand
what it was like in the '70s.

People were running out for a reason.
On the other hand, you miss that flavor.

It's easy to glamorize
the Taxi Driver days.

And we all know it was brutal...

...and frightening,
and couldn't walk in Times Square.

Which is better,
the soul-crushing Disney environment...

...or literally having your life
at knife-point?

I think this is one of the great
philosophical problems man deals with.

Which is better, soul-crushing...

-...or being held at knife-point?
-Or letting of blood?