Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Mad Man in a Death Machine - full transcript
ripped by antsh
This is a 1967 Austin Healy 3000...
...in ice blue.
It has a straight-six,
150-horsepower engine.
This is a car if you wanna say,
"I really love British sports cars.
And, damn it, I will go down
with that ship if I have to."
-Hello?
-Ricky?
-Who's that?
-Jerry.
-How's it going?
-What are you doing?
-I think I got irritable bowel syndrome.
-Oh, God, that is irritating.
Yeah.
-You wanna grab a coffee?
-Yeah.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld and this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
My guest is my good friend,
Ricky Gervais.
He's a very funny, silly,
English comedian guy...
...and he's just funny.
He makes me laugh.
-What do you think?
-It's great.
-English.
-Is it?
-"Is it"?
-I don't know anything.
-You don't know anything about cars?
-No.
-This the seatbelt?
-What do you think?
-I think it's a death trap.
-It is.
No way there's a little air bag in there,
is there?
There is, but you have to blow it up.
Quick, we're gonna crash. Right.
I'm a very nervous passenger,
so let's....
-Did you eat?
-I had some cereal.
-That's so sweet.
-What?
What kind of cereal?
We can't be running out
of stuff to talk about.
If we're going into detail on the cereal,
we're struggling.
Look at this guy.
Nobody can explain why the homeless
have such fabulous hair.
I love, "No one can explain."
Scientists have been working
around the clock for the last 25 years.
Spent billions of government dollars
but not come up with anything.
Like, who commissioned this
scientific study?
Okay, here we go.
No, be sensible.
Oh, Jerry. Jesus.
Sorry, are we in The Italian Job?
Why are we doing this?
Oh, no, that made it worse. You--
Jerry! For **** sake!
We're ******* going
70 miles an hour.
We're not going 70.
Let's take the bus.
Oh, Jerry.
Oh, God.
Jerry, why is it so funny
to frighten a grown man?
Fear is funny.
-Fear is funny, yeah.
-Especially when it's not fake.
We're so used to fake fear.
-Everyone always acts scared--
-This is real, don't worry about it.
I'm in a tin bucket
with no suspension.
Oh, Jesus.
When were you were this scared?
Doing award shows
and potentially ending my career....
That's my adrenaline rush.
I work for the Golden Globe committee
and this entire thing is a ruse...
-...to get you to do the show next year.
-Yeah.
And I'm just gonna keep driving you
in this terrifying car until you agree.
Oh, God.
I think the first couple,
they were sort of--
They were taken aback.
"Why is this Brit saying
all these awful things to us?"
And then by the third one, they go,
"He's telling jokes. I get it."
What was the introduction
for Mel Gibson?
I like a drink
as much as the next man...
...unless the next man
is Mel Gibson.
That's a great joke.
I like a joke that sneaks up on you
like that.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
This company
went out of business...
...shortly after this car was made.
-You really are holding on seriously.
-Yeah.
It feels like I'm being dragged along
in a tin bath.
That's what this feels like.
God, you have to turn around
like an owl to see.
There is no mirror in this car.
Jerry, you can't--
There's a mirror here.
I see exactly what I'm doing.
-Oh, Christ.
-What are you worried about?
What am I worried about?
I was thinking maybe for the drive back
we'd put the top down.
Whatever.
**** sake.
Oh, come on, Jerry, this is mental.
For **** sake,
you don't need to do this.
We're going for coffee.
We're not going to diffuse
a ******* bomb, right?
There's no need for this.
Even Jack Bauer had an hour, right?
It's turned into a race now?
It's like a ******* scene from Ronin.
That was a good laugh
to start the day.
My pain and suffering
is for everyone else.
-I fall over for your amusement.
-Yes.
-Of course.
-Now you got it.
If someone's laughing,
I've done my job.
-That's right.
-Yeah.
The funniest thing
about the nervous passenger...
...is that you think that that hand
could possibly do something.
I know, yeah.
Jesus Christ. And I'm an atheist.
If you weren't a part of, arguably...
...the most successful sitcom
of all time--
Why is it arguable?
What's the argument?
And who's arguing on the other side,
I wanna know.
If you weren't as successful
as you are...
Yeah?
...rich, famous, loved, okay?
Please, go on.
You'd seem a bit like a maniac now.
This is what mad people do,
drive and giggle at people's fear.
"Seinfeld wants you to do his show.
It's called...
...Comedians Going for a Drive
for Coffee." Oh, great.
"A man wants to drive you around
New York, really fast...
...in a death machine, laughing."
Look. "Welcome to City Island."
-Look at the nautical environment.
-Lovely.
-This is great. Come on.
-Yeah.
We've never been here.
You would never come here...
-...if it wasn't for me.
-No.
I'm giving you a gift.
And I'm going to let you live, as well.
-You've given me the gift of life.
-The gift of life.
If you were in an electric chair,
they would ask:
"Do you have any last words?"
How could you beat Gary Gilmore?
His last words were, "Let's do it."
-Really?
-Yeah.
I really think the death penalty's
too depressing to even think about.
I mean, I don't agree with it.
The state can show
that sort of form of violence.
What about abortion?
You agree with that?
That's different, isn't it?
I guess you can just arrange things
the way you like them...
-...when you're rich, famous, like you.
-Yeah.
Unlike you, who's just a guy
with an old car...
...going along the highway,
laughing maniacally...
...because someone feels
they're about to die.
I should have said, "Let's do it,"
when I got in this car.
You guys want coffee?
-I would love some.
-Just regular coffee with milk.
I'll have half and half.
Could I have two yellow eggs
and two egg whites?
What do you mean by that?
You mean four eggs?
-Two yolks and two whites.
-That's just two eggs.
-That's four eggs.
-Two yolks and two whites is two eggs.
What do you mean?
-Two additional whites on top of--
-Right, so four whites and two yolks.
-Yeah, yeah.
-That's correct.
You're like a young king, aren't you?
Things are kept from you.
But you just wanna do stuff.
They go:
"He wants to drive around in a car."
Someone said,
"Let him drive around in a car."
No, he wants to do it with celebrities.
With some friends
he's seen on the telly.
Well, get their number.
Would you like some jelly
for you toast?
I'm fine, thanks.
That's great, thank you.
-How was your--?
-How were your eggs?
What is the moment in history...
...that you would like to witness
in person?
I'll tell you mine
just to get the conversation rolling.
Gettysburg Address.
To have been in that crowd...
...and heard
the Gettysburg Address.
Churchill? Be there
when he's crafting a speech?
How about being in Hitler's bunker
there as he's screaming?
I'd be a bit nervous,
but after that car journey...
...Hitler doesn't scare me as much.
I'll be honest.
Thank you.
On the last day,
the Russians were advancing...
...they were 200 yards
down the road.
He married Eva Braun, right?
They had their cake
and some champagne.
They retire to bed early.
In the morning,
he poisoned her and shot himself.
And the gardener burned the bodies,
right?
Say what you will about Hitler...
...that's a terrible honeymoon, isn't it?
That's a crap honeymoon.
Funniest part of that joke is,
"Say what you will about Hitler."
I'm gonna go to the toilet and
take a Valium for the journey back.
If that's okay?
Right. Okay.
Jesus, this is like freefalling.
I know, it's fantastic.
Don't you feel alive?
-Yeah.
-Even if only for a few more minutes.
Shut up.
I bet you this car looks great.
I'm in heaven.
Do you think we look gay?
-Least of my worries.
-We're in stylish sunglasses...
...we got the top down,
in a poncey roadster.
-Yeah.
-I think we look gay.
I imagine you saying that
when our parachutes didn't open.
And I'm all nervous. Oh, that's good.
"Do you think we look gay?"
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
Oh, God,
I'm never gonna do this again.
What the ****?
This is a 1967 Austin Healy 3000...
...in ice blue.
It has a straight-six,
150-horsepower engine.
This is a car if you wanna say,
"I really love British sports cars.
And, damn it, I will go down
with that ship if I have to."
-Hello?
-Ricky?
-Who's that?
-Jerry.
-How's it going?
-What are you doing?
-I think I got irritable bowel syndrome.
-Oh, God, that is irritating.
Yeah.
-You wanna grab a coffee?
-Yeah.
I'm Jerry Seinfeld and this is
Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.
My guest is my good friend,
Ricky Gervais.
He's a very funny, silly,
English comedian guy...
...and he's just funny.
He makes me laugh.
-What do you think?
-It's great.
-English.
-Is it?
-"Is it"?
-I don't know anything.
-You don't know anything about cars?
-No.
-This the seatbelt?
-What do you think?
-I think it's a death trap.
-It is.
No way there's a little air bag in there,
is there?
There is, but you have to blow it up.
Quick, we're gonna crash. Right.
I'm a very nervous passenger,
so let's....
-Did you eat?
-I had some cereal.
-That's so sweet.
-What?
What kind of cereal?
We can't be running out
of stuff to talk about.
If we're going into detail on the cereal,
we're struggling.
Look at this guy.
Nobody can explain why the homeless
have such fabulous hair.
I love, "No one can explain."
Scientists have been working
around the clock for the last 25 years.
Spent billions of government dollars
but not come up with anything.
Like, who commissioned this
scientific study?
Okay, here we go.
No, be sensible.
Oh, Jerry. Jesus.
Sorry, are we in The Italian Job?
Why are we doing this?
Oh, no, that made it worse. You--
Jerry! For **** sake!
We're ******* going
70 miles an hour.
We're not going 70.
Let's take the bus.
Oh, Jerry.
Oh, God.
Jerry, why is it so funny
to frighten a grown man?
Fear is funny.
-Fear is funny, yeah.
-Especially when it's not fake.
We're so used to fake fear.
-Everyone always acts scared--
-This is real, don't worry about it.
I'm in a tin bucket
with no suspension.
Oh, Jesus.
When were you were this scared?
Doing award shows
and potentially ending my career....
That's my adrenaline rush.
I work for the Golden Globe committee
and this entire thing is a ruse...
-...to get you to do the show next year.
-Yeah.
And I'm just gonna keep driving you
in this terrifying car until you agree.
Oh, God.
I think the first couple,
they were sort of--
They were taken aback.
"Why is this Brit saying
all these awful things to us?"
And then by the third one, they go,
"He's telling jokes. I get it."
What was the introduction
for Mel Gibson?
I like a drink
as much as the next man...
...unless the next man
is Mel Gibson.
That's a great joke.
I like a joke that sneaks up on you
like that.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
This company
went out of business...
...shortly after this car was made.
-You really are holding on seriously.
-Yeah.
It feels like I'm being dragged along
in a tin bath.
That's what this feels like.
God, you have to turn around
like an owl to see.
There is no mirror in this car.
Jerry, you can't--
There's a mirror here.
I see exactly what I'm doing.
-Oh, Christ.
-What are you worried about?
What am I worried about?
I was thinking maybe for the drive back
we'd put the top down.
Whatever.
**** sake.
Oh, come on, Jerry, this is mental.
For **** sake,
you don't need to do this.
We're going for coffee.
We're not going to diffuse
a ******* bomb, right?
There's no need for this.
Even Jack Bauer had an hour, right?
It's turned into a race now?
It's like a ******* scene from Ronin.
That was a good laugh
to start the day.
My pain and suffering
is for everyone else.
-I fall over for your amusement.
-Yes.
-Of course.
-Now you got it.
If someone's laughing,
I've done my job.
-That's right.
-Yeah.
The funniest thing
about the nervous passenger...
...is that you think that that hand
could possibly do something.
I know, yeah.
Jesus Christ. And I'm an atheist.
If you weren't a part of, arguably...
...the most successful sitcom
of all time--
Why is it arguable?
What's the argument?
And who's arguing on the other side,
I wanna know.
If you weren't as successful
as you are...
Yeah?
...rich, famous, loved, okay?
Please, go on.
You'd seem a bit like a maniac now.
This is what mad people do,
drive and giggle at people's fear.
"Seinfeld wants you to do his show.
It's called...
...Comedians Going for a Drive
for Coffee." Oh, great.
"A man wants to drive you around
New York, really fast...
...in a death machine, laughing."
Look. "Welcome to City Island."
-Look at the nautical environment.
-Lovely.
-This is great. Come on.
-Yeah.
We've never been here.
You would never come here...
-...if it wasn't for me.
-No.
I'm giving you a gift.
And I'm going to let you live, as well.
-You've given me the gift of life.
-The gift of life.
If you were in an electric chair,
they would ask:
"Do you have any last words?"
How could you beat Gary Gilmore?
His last words were, "Let's do it."
-Really?
-Yeah.
I really think the death penalty's
too depressing to even think about.
I mean, I don't agree with it.
The state can show
that sort of form of violence.
What about abortion?
You agree with that?
That's different, isn't it?
I guess you can just arrange things
the way you like them...
-...when you're rich, famous, like you.
-Yeah.
Unlike you, who's just a guy
with an old car...
...going along the highway,
laughing maniacally...
...because someone feels
they're about to die.
I should have said, "Let's do it,"
when I got in this car.
You guys want coffee?
-I would love some.
-Just regular coffee with milk.
I'll have half and half.
Could I have two yellow eggs
and two egg whites?
What do you mean by that?
You mean four eggs?
-Two yolks and two whites.
-That's just two eggs.
-That's four eggs.
-Two yolks and two whites is two eggs.
What do you mean?
-Two additional whites on top of--
-Right, so four whites and two yolks.
-Yeah, yeah.
-That's correct.
You're like a young king, aren't you?
Things are kept from you.
But you just wanna do stuff.
They go:
"He wants to drive around in a car."
Someone said,
"Let him drive around in a car."
No, he wants to do it with celebrities.
With some friends
he's seen on the telly.
Well, get their number.
Would you like some jelly
for you toast?
I'm fine, thanks.
That's great, thank you.
-How was your--?
-How were your eggs?
What is the moment in history...
...that you would like to witness
in person?
I'll tell you mine
just to get the conversation rolling.
Gettysburg Address.
To have been in that crowd...
...and heard
the Gettysburg Address.
Churchill? Be there
when he's crafting a speech?
How about being in Hitler's bunker
there as he's screaming?
I'd be a bit nervous,
but after that car journey...
...Hitler doesn't scare me as much.
I'll be honest.
Thank you.
On the last day,
the Russians were advancing...
...they were 200 yards
down the road.
He married Eva Braun, right?
They had their cake
and some champagne.
They retire to bed early.
In the morning,
he poisoned her and shot himself.
And the gardener burned the bodies,
right?
Say what you will about Hitler...
...that's a terrible honeymoon, isn't it?
That's a crap honeymoon.
Funniest part of that joke is,
"Say what you will about Hitler."
I'm gonna go to the toilet and
take a Valium for the journey back.
If that's okay?
Right. Okay.
Jesus, this is like freefalling.
I know, it's fantastic.
Don't you feel alive?
-Yeah.
-Even if only for a few more minutes.
Shut up.
I bet you this car looks great.
I'm in heaven.
Do you think we look gay?
-Least of my worries.
-We're in stylish sunglasses...
...we got the top down,
in a poncey roadster.
-Yeah.
-I think we look gay.
I imagine you saying that
when our parachutes didn't open.
And I'm all nervous. Oh, that's good.
"Do you think we look gay?"
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
Oh, God,
I'm never gonna do this again.
What the ****?