Colditz (1972–1974): Season 1, Episode 7 - Lord, Didn't It Rain - full transcript

He's coming back!

One more thing, gentlemen.

In future, all bunk boards
will be numbered

to make sure that you are entitled
to what you are claiming for.

So we use numbered bed boards.

Right.

Not again. He's back!

Table!

Oh, look what you've done!
It's a whole week's work down the drain.

Stop shouting! Be quiet!
- Who's shouting?

You're loud enough. Have you gone deaf?
- Look at it!



Look at what?

At this?

What is it?

Well, it's a painting.

What kind of a painting?

Modern.

What does it represent?

Nothing. It's, uh...
Well, it's subjective.

I see. One with a hidden meaning.

It seems to be a matter of some dispute.

Well, it's not finished.
- Uh, we don't like it.

No, it's terrible.

And I resent opinions on it until it is.

Well, finish it.



And I will study it most carefully
before I give you my opinion, I promise.

Well done.
- Shut up.

Look, I didn't do it on purpose.
- I said, shut up!

God damn you!

Sorry, Pat.

What's got into him?
- He'll be all right.

You know Simon. Pity.

Hello, chaps.

Edward Bentinct-Boyle,
Captain Grenadiers.

Well, call me Ted. Most chaps do.

I say, is this bunk taken?
- No.

Good show.

Uh, I'm Pat Grant.
- Oh, how do you do?

Dick Player.
- Hello. How are you?

Hello. How do you do?

George Brent.
- Hello.

Yes. Jolly good.

Well, uh, how did you, uh, get here?

Oh, that's a long story. Yes.

No, we were in a...
I say, where's the... Yes.

Um...

There we are.

Yes. No, we were doing a sort
of Boy Scouts reconnaissance in that...

you know, that terribly wet bit
of Norway.

Actually, from what I could see,
it's all pretty humid.

Never stopped raining the whole time.
Ghastly.

Anyway, middle of the night,
there we were,

suddenly surrounded by a lot of chaps
shouting at us in German.

Lots of banging, you know? And I, um...

Yes. Well, I got captured.

Got sent to Oflag, um, VII-C.

At Laufen?
- Yes.

Didn't think much of it, actually.
So I left.

How?

Through the wire, old man. Thanks.

Didn't get far, as a matter of fact.

They put me in solitary,
so I had another go.

Yes, that was dashed bad luck,
looking back on it,

because, you see,
I thought I was in Switzerland. What?

Saw this chap that, um, I took for some
member of the First Swiss Yodellers.

And he turned out to be
a German frontier guard.

So they sent me here.

Tell me, how does one
get out of this place?

Well, that's what we're wondering.

Yes, well, who's in charge of
the old escape plans?

So far...

Nobody.
We haven't any escape organisation.

What?

Well, we'll have to start one, won't we?

About time you did that, Dick.

I say, Pat, that chap who arrived
yesterday, what do you make of him?

Well, it's a bit early to tell yet.

I didn't know anybody
was still that British.

Don't you think he could be
a bit too British?

What do you mean?

Well, he seems to me to be
any German's idea of a British officer.

Go on.

Well, the Poles think
they have a stool pigeon.

The French almost certainly have one.
- Yeah?

Well, I had a few words
with him last night.

In between the by Joves and
the what hos, I got a bit out of him.

He said he was at Winchester.
- Mmm-hmm.

Then straight into the Guards.

But he said he doesn't speak German.

For a chap who doesn't
speak the language,

he seems to find it
bloody easy to escape.

You mean, how did he get
halfway across Germany without...

well, yes.
In what is, more or less, his uniform.

Yeah.

He also volunteered the information

he had a fair amount
of German Reichsmarks on him.

George Brent.
- Well, what about him?

He was at Winchester.

We can at least check
that part of his story.

Mmm.

Hello.
- Hello, old boy.

Cigarette?
- Oh, I say, thank you.

They tell me I'm not
the only Wykehamist here any more.

What? I say, jolly good!

What house were you?
- I was in College.

Yes, but I mean, uh, what house?

Told you, old man, College. And you?

Sergeants. Alias Phils, alias D.

You mean G, old man.

Didn't I say that?

Oh, it seems
a hell of a long time ago now.

When we had nothing more to worry about
than whether we'd pass our bogles.

Pass our bogles, old man?

And where to put one's strat?

Well, I always put mine on my head.

They were good days, though.

Best days of one's life, chaps say.

After books, that wonderful hour
to yourself, cloister time.

Cloister time?

Cloister time! Yes!

What were you saying, old man?
- No, nothing, old bean.

Yeah, well,
we must have a chat sometime.

Hooray.

He's a Wykehamist, all right.

Um, I say, chaps,
that fellow I was just talking to...

Yeah?

Well, he says he was at Winchester.
But he wasn't.

He doesn't even know that a bogle
is a bally bicycle.

Look, do you think he's...
Do you think he's sound?

No.
- No to what?

Helping somebody escape.

The last time,
when they stopped us at the gate,

all your officer got was...
what did he get?

A month's solitary.
- Yes.

And we got all privileges stopped,
a month,

and the man who lent
your officer his uniform,

he was flogged as well, for nothing.

What are you doing here?

Collecting paliasses.

Paliasses?

Well, you're not using them.

We're sleeping on bare boards
down in the town.

Where's Dick? Watch the door.
Where's Dick?

Hmm?
- Dick.

He's with the Wykehamist.
- Right, come on.

Right, Dick, you're leaving.
- What?

I'll explain as we go.

But I'm not...
- Hurry!

I haven't got any clothes ready.

He can take mine.
- Right.

Those documents Tim made
for the German corporal, get them.

Right, now, you know your route?
- Yes.

Don't risk expresses.

Local trains to Vienna,
then it's 17 miles to Baden.

God, I've waited for this.

You sure your father's friend will help?

He's old-type Austrian aristocrat.

He wouldn't help anyone else,
but he'll do this for my father's sake.

Get the map.
- Right.

Shoes!
- One map. They're underneath.

One map, rather unreliable compass.
- Thanks.

One set of clothes.
- Thanks, Simon.

All right, check the list.
- Okay.

Identity card.
- Yeah. Yes.

Map.
- Yes.

Give me that. It's not finished.

Travel document.
- Yes.

Leave pass.
- Yes.

Compass.
- Close it.

Yes.

Money.
- You've got some Reichsmarks?

Uh, yes, old boy.
- Well, we pool everything here.

Yes, I know, old man,
but, dash it, it is my money,

and it's damn tricky
getting hold of it...

I said, we pool everything.

Yeah, well, you can have
some of the money.

Come on.
- You see, I'm going, too.

Oh, no, you're not.
You'll wait your turn.

Yes, there you are.

It's not very much, but it's something.
- Thanks, Pat.

I'll be back in a minute.
- But Pat, what am I doing?

Taking a chance.
- Dick! Dick, come here.

Here's Vienna.

This one's foolproof.
You've got to help.

Get someone out, you mean?

In one of those paliasses.
- Not on your life.

There's no risk.
Just load it, then it's up to him.

I'm not risking a flogging
for a British officer.

For heaven's sake,
whose side are you on?

Mine.

20 cigarettes.

Huh!

100, then.

You haven't got 100 cigarettes.

The moment he's in that lorry,
you'll get your 100 cigarettes.

All right. But I'm not doing this
because I love the British. I don't.

I'm not doing this
for the honor of France.

I'm doing it for 100 cigarettes,
you understand?

And if you don't produce the cigarettes,
your officer comes out again.

Here, here.

Thanks, Brent.

Now, you know what you're doing?
- Yes.

All right.
- Good luck.

I'll give you a signal.
- Right.

Okay, let's go.

Did I ever tell you about the time

I shot down three Jerries
with one bullet?

No.

They say they won't do it.
They say it's too dangerous.

And there's another 100 cigarettes
for them the moment he's in.

No.

2,000 feet, 1,500, 1,250...

The great thing is to design an aircraft

that has a smaller turning circle
than your opponent.

Gives you a hell of an advantage.

If you leave him there, you know who the
Germans are going to blame, don't you?

You.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

The same as you, old boy.

But you haven't a chance.
You're still in uniform. You don't...

It's worth a try, old man.

Get down!

Yes, good show.

Jolly good.

Right. Fair cop, as the chap said
to the lady policeman.

Don't understand that, do you?

Don't understand a word I say.
The gems you'll miss.

Right, you lead on.
You know the way and all that.

Put your hands over your head!

Couldn't get through the door, old man.
Do you see?

I wonder how Dick's getting on?
- Mmm.

I wonder what's happened
to that idiot Guardsman?

He could've wrecked the whole thing.

I hope he took his umbrella with him.

Six.

You are soaked through.

Yes.

You look as if
you've been out all night.

I got caught when I left home.

Give me your coat. I'll dry it for you.

Four.

Five.
- Six.

Ah.

That's me.

The dye is running.

I thought it was cheap.
- Yeah.

You know, old man,
if I'm to go into solitary confinement,

I really must have
a clean pair of socks.

Get up.

Go away.

If you'd been stuck in a paliass, you'd
know what it does to the sweat glands.

It's jolly embarrassing.

“Habes confitentem reum,"
as Petronius remarked.

I said, get up.

Yes. It means you have
a confessing prisoner.

But you must know Petronius, sir.

Chap who said,
"Abiit ad plures. Fidicen."

♪ Run, rabbit, run, rabbit... ♪
- Stand up! Stand up!

You really do have the most
appalling manners, you know?

Just for that,
you can wash my socks yourself.

Well, please yourself.

You will be punished for his.

If you'll deprive a chap of clean socks,
you are beneath contempt.

Go away.

Do you mind if I sit here?

Please.

What was all that about?

Dick's got away.
- What? How do you know?

When he quoted from Petronius.

“Abiit ad plures.”
He has "joined the majority".

And then he added “fidicen”

That's not Petronius, that's Latin
for "a player of a stringed instrument".

Dick's got away.

Our Captain Bentinct-Boyle
is not as stupid as he looks.

He's a Wykehamist.

Yeah, but he took a hell of a risk
jumping the queue like that.

I mean, he could have spoiled
all of Dick's chances.

I don't know. Once the Germans found him
they gave up looking for anybody else.

He could have improved Dick's chances.

Dick's got away.

He's got away!
- Whoo-hoo!

You're in the army?
- Yes.

On leave?
- That's right.

Where are you headed?

Mödling, just south of Vienna.

Where are you stationed?
- In France.

Oh, you're in luck. My unit's in Russia.

Whereabouts in France?

Le Tréport. Near Dieppe.

What the hell are you doing here, then?
It's nowhere near your route.

There's a girl.

What's her name?

You think I'd tell you
when you live here?

That's fair enough.

I wish I could get a posting in France.
Anywhere except Russia.

I can imagine.

Mind you, it won't last for long,

not with the casualties
they are suffering.

Only half-trained, the lot of them.

Should be over
by the time winter sets in.

Well, it better be. We have no
winter clothing that I know of.

I'm with the 17th Panzers,
Guderian, Second Panzer Army.

What's your outfit?

Light anti-aircraft, 88s.

Well, perhaps I'll get
a posting in France.

I got...

It was a landmine, just outside Oryol.

You know, its burns mostly.
Worth 28 days' leave anyway.

Why aren't you in uniform?

It's this girl. She...

Well, surely, she doesn't mind you
wearing a uniform.

No, no, no, just my...
My travel voucher's to Vienna.

Oh, I get it.

Uh, you have a travel voucher at your
home, but you turn up here in uniform...

That's it.
- Well, it's crafty.

Add to which, her fiancé's
in the military police.

Oh.

Well, don't worry.

To look at you, no one would dream
you were in the army,

or, if you were, you'd be on orders.

Well, I have to go.

I'd get changed, dried off,
if I were you.

You'll catch pneumonia
going around like that.

It's nice to have met you.
- Nice to have met you.

Here, get my friend a glass of schnapps.
Get him warmed up.

We don't want you dying in action.

Thanks.

Here! You!

What are you trying to do?

Just walking.

At this time of night? In this weather?

Show me your papers!

Ah, a soldier, eh?

Yes.

Where are you trying to get to?

Mödling, just south of Vienna.

But that's 80 kilometres.

I missed the last train.
- You are in luck. Get in.

Corporal, yeah?

Yes, sir.

What unit?

17th Panzers.

Where are you from?
- Mödling, sir.

You told me that.
I mean, where are you serving?

We're with General Guderian's
Second Army, sir.

He's a great general.
- Yes, sir.

What are you doing here?

Sick leave, sir.

Wounded, yeah?

No, I... I got pneumonia and...

You look like living death, Corporal.

Thank you.

Thank you.

The sooner you get to a warm bed,
the better.

Yes, sir.

You haven't told me what you were doing

wandering about
in the middle of the night.

There's a train connection. I missed it.

So, you were hoping for a Lift?
- Yes, sir.

You're lucky I came along.
- Yes, sir.

My driver wouldn't have picked you up.
He's on leave.

"Compassionate leave", he calls it.

Why aren't you in uniform?

The hospital, they took my uniform.
They issued me with these.

Surely they gave you another?

With the winter coming on, they're
needing all the uniforms they can get.

Yes.

I'm going as far as Vienna.
- That's very kind of you, sir.

I can drop you at
one of the transit depots there.

They will have a bed for you.

I'd rather go straight home, sir.
- No.

I think I know what is best.
You look just about all in.

I'll be all right by tomorrow, sir,
when I get home.

Our beloved Austria, huh?

The nation of the waltz and cream cakes
and plump, pink girls.

What are the Russian women like?

Oh! What?

What are the Russian women like?

We... We didn't see many of them, sir.

Dancing too fast, eh?
- Yes, that's it, sir.

It is something we have to do.

We must show these sub-races the...

You say you were with the 17th Panzers?

Yes, sir.

How is my old friend
Friedrich Beyerlein?

Well? How is he?

I don't know him, sir.

You should know him, Corporal.

I... I'm sorry, sir.

He is your Colonel.

I was forgetting,
he was to go to the 17th,

but he was transferred to the 4th.

I went to his farewell party.
It lasted two days and two nights.

And what nights!
You should have seen the girls we had.

You married?
- No, sir.

I am married,
but I don't let that cramp my style.

Oh. Road block.

Papers, please.

Thank you, sir. Heil Hitler.
- Heil Hitler!

I have worked out how it was done.

Paliasses, gentlemen,
are for sleeping on.

I know it helps you to pass the time
to try and escape,

but I would not place much hope
in succeeding if I were you.

Lieutenant Player will not
get out of Germany.

That is all.
- Hup. Hup.

We're just coming into Vienna.

How much leave have you got?

28 days, sir.

Allow yourself 20 women.
- Yes, sir.

That's an order!

If you really want to go straight on...

But I wouldn't if I were you.
You look really ill, Corporal.

I can drop you by the station.
- Thank you, sir.

There's a Military Police post there.

They will have something to eat

and a place for you to doss down
until your train.

Yes, thank you, sir.

Ah, I just have to make a report.

I have to go back to my unit
in a couple of days, damn it.

But you are lucky.
You have a month in Vienna.

I would give a lot
for a month in Vienna.

Thank you, sir.

Heil Hitler!
- Heil Hitler.

All right, finish your coffee
and get out.

You're not staying here all night
for the price of a cup of coffee.

Yoo-hoo.

Excuse me, but are you feeling ill?

I'm all right.

Just that it's so late.
It's nearly 2:00 and, uh...

Have you anywhere to sleep?
- Why?

You can come home with me, if you like.

I haven't any money.

Oh.

You could sleep at our house,
but whether you...

I'm afraid Madame makes men pay,
even if they don't...

I wouldn't be much fun.
- Yes, that's what I meant.

Just sleep. But I'm...

You see, Madame always makes men pay,
even if they don't...

I told you two to get out!

I'm going!

You must have some money.

Not enough.
- I could help you.

Ten marks.

I could show you somewhere
out of the rain for 10 marks.

I... I sometimes bring clients here.

That sow of a madame
takes nearly every penny I earn.

This is the only way I can...
- Yes.

You must lie down.

You are ill.

I know what you are.

You are a deserter.

But I won't tell anyone. I promise.

You'll be quite safe here.

Nobody ever comes.
It looks locked, you see.

Only I unscrewed the thing
that holds the padlock.

You can't see,
not unless you look very closely.

Now, you go to sleep.

Yes.

I'd better go back.

At this time of night?
- Mmm.

Sometimes there are soldiers
round the station

and one or two of the clubs,
they're just starting to close.

Not that I have much luck there.
The clubs have all got their own girls.

I'll be back in the morning.

You'll be quite safe.

I'll, uh...
I'll have a knackwurst as well.

Hmm? Trying to put on weight, eh?

Well, I guess somebody
tipped you last night, huh?

I brought you some food.
- Oh, thanks.

It's not much.
- Oh, anything.

It's...
- Believe me, anything.

Now...

I am going to take your temperature.

Just the food.
I never liked the taste of thermometers.

You seem a lot better.
Now, open your mouth.

Why are you doing this?
- Don't talk.

You'll break the thermometer.

All I want to know...
- And don't ask why.

There are too many people
going around asking why.

But you must...
- Look, I told you not to talk.

Just accept the fact that I want...

Well, just accept it.

Normal.
- It hasn't started yet.

Now, I got you a couple of bread rolls
and a knackwurst

and a bottle of cognac.

An angel in disguise.
- Hmm!

Disguised, all right. Oh, don't talk.
- You really...

Now, at... At our house,
there's a doctor comes to...

well, I can talk to him.
He can come and see you.

I don't need a doctor.
- Open.

Anyway, you know I have no money.

He, uh...
I can get him to come for nothing.

How's my temperature?

You need a doctor.

Look... Look, all right, I'm a deserter.

Yes?

I don't know what the price for handing
deserters over to the authorities is...

Nobody is going to hand you over.

There's also a price
for concealing them.

I don't want to risk your neck
or the doctor's or mine.

I can never repay you.

I shall never see you again.

I'm very, very grateful.

Now, if I could just have the food...

It's starting to rain again.

I can just see Dick now.

On a great, Teutonic four-poster,

waited on hand and foot.

And the food.
- Hmm.

You know, George,
you've got a one-track mind.

What about the women?

The women?
- Can you imagine?

Smelling so...
- Sweet.

What a luxury.

Let's drink to that.
The luxury of women.

God knows how I remember them
after a year,

but I do.

To women.
- To women.

Thank you.

With any luck, you'll be home soon.

Yeah.

You know what I wish?
- What?

I wish I could tell Cathy
that I'm on my way.

All right, darling! Now... In a moment!

Get up! Get up, I've got a client.

I'm sorry, you've got to get out
for a few minutes. I've got a client.

Yes, darling, all right!
I won't be a moment.

Look, hurry, please.

I won't be long!
Look after yourself, hmm?

Come on, please. Just a few minutes.

All clear, darling.

He's gone.

I'm sorry I had to turn you out,
but I've got to earn the money.

There wouldn't be any food for you
if I didn't work.

I brought you some sausage.

Here's the sausage.

It's that sow of a madame.

She just gives me enough
to go out again.

She knows she can do
what she likes with me.

And do you know why?

Does it hurt?

It's my chest.

Do you know why
she can treat me like this?

I'll tell you why.

Because I am half Jewish.

That's why

I can't get my fair share
like the other girls,

because she has only got to tell the SS

and I wouldn't even be here. Hmm!

Racial purity.

No luck, eh?

I do all right.

You look so scrawny, that's the trouble.
You need a good meal.

You know what I'm having for supper?
Fresh trout,

and a nice, tasty wiener schnitzel
and new potatoes

and parsley and green salad
and apple strudel...

Piled with cream and then beer.

Plenty of beer.

You, uh, feel like a nice, uh,

schnitzel, like you had before? Huh?

Yeah? What do you want?

I want to see the Consul.

Do you have an appointment?

May I help you?
- Please, the Consul.

Oh, you look sick.
Why don't you sit down?

Oh, may I have your name, please?

Richard Player.

I'm British. Royal Navy.

I was a prisoner of war.

Come in.

British officer?
- Mmm-hmm.

Do you believe him?
- He looks pretty sick.

I'm sure he's telling the truth.
- Hmm.

I don't know.

There's a rumour going around
that we're maybe

not as, uh, neutral
as we're supposed to be.

It's kind of tricky.

Could be an agent provocateur.

Well, I guess I'd better talk to him.

Mr Player?

Now, you say you were
a British prisoner of war.

Where did you escape from?

Colditz.
- Colditz?

In Leipzig.

Don't ask for any proof. I haven't any.

This is Vienna.

I managed. I speak... I speak German.

For God's sake,
does it matter how I got here?

What is it you want?

I haven't any money.
- You came here for money?

Just enough for some food
and my train fare to Baden.

50 marks.

I think you'd better leave.

But surely...
- Please!

I beg you!
- I'm sorry.

We're under strict orders
to avoid contact

with any member of the Allied forces.

Now, will you please go?

Look, if I...

I understand
and appreciate your difficulty.

Believe me, I do.

But the government of the United States
cannot risk any provocation...

Provocation?
- It isn't the money...

50 marks!
- Please! Please!

You're putting me in
a most compromising situation.

That's painfully clear.

Look, uh... Look, I'm not saying
this is anything personal,

but, well,
the United States government...

I'm not asking the United States.
You! You lend me the money!

Please!

We're being watched.
- Let them watch!

We're at war!
I thought you were one of us!

We are not allied to anyone. We...
- To hell with your allegiance!

I need the money!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

If you just put 50 marks
on the table and...

I won't look. I'll turn away.

No one would know.

Please!

You're afraid.

Look at me, damn you!

You're afraid for yourself.

The United States government
cannot possibly authorise paying...

You hypocrite.

You thick-skinned hypocrite!

God help you!

1, uh, wanted to lend him the money.

But the risk...

Without any proof...

I mean, uh, I couldn't really believe
he was who he said he was. Could you?

He was dying.
What more proof do you want?

Howzat!

I say, isn't that Dick Player?

Quick, try and distract that guard.

Excuse me, old man.
Listen, didn't we meet somewhere?

The Winchester-Eton match? No?

Dick, we thought you'd made a home run.

Iran out of money.
- What? Money?

Where did they pick you up?

Vienna. But it doesn't matter now.

It hasn't all been a failure.

Just try to remember
everything that happened.

Do not speak! He is under arrest!

I'm going to solitary.
- We'll get to you.

Step aside, Captain. Stand away.

Prisoner escort, forward, march!

Welcome home.