Cobra (1993–1994): Season 1, Episode 13 - Diamond in the Rough - full transcript

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wow

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so many girls

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won't you come home

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there you are dallas means it's down at

the bay city museum

you okay you know

breaking into a museum is murder on the

lower back

can you send a man to do a woman's job

orange juice

what you shouldn't have been signed up

to do this this was an assignment for

somebody who possesses that rare

combination of analytical thinking

and cat black agility you

of course me don't be ridiculous

i'm not being ridiculous i have

thoroughly studied all four volumes of

swirling's practical methodology of

intrusion

and security evasion well reading and

doing are two different things

and i think i'm in pretty good physical

shape i should be applying my skills out

in the field

in the field yes in the field in here

out there

all those places you keep going while

i've been stuck in headquarters

with all due respect i'm a trained

operative

skilled at infiltration escaping

undetected

and getting cut with all due respect

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come on it's different when the stakes

are real the danger gives you an edge

you don't have on an exercise

yeah right come on face it you got

caught because you made mistakes

oh i see i suppose you would have done

it differently right

well i wouldn't have come through the

roof i wouldn't have set off the alarm

on the pressure pad and i certainly

wouldn't have gotten caught

oh i suppose you would have just walked

right in right nope

i would have just braised it

i did not spend three years organizing

this exhibition

and cajoling collectors to loan me their

prized possessions

so that he could have an amusement park

to play in clinton avery is underwriting

this exhibition

and we wouldn't be doing our job if we

didn't make sure his investment was

secure

everything's accounted for mr niles

thank you beverly

it's one thing to troubleshoot our

security system it's quite another to

hire a thief to break in

this cattle jackson is not a thief he's

our top operative

well one of them somebody broke into the

whittendale museum two days ago made up

with a 14th century diamond pen and

chances are these diamonds here on this

ceremonial necklace

are on his shopping list you should be

thankful that it was scandal who broke

in last night not the thief

see now we know where the soft spots are

right scandal

right and hot spots at least that

burglar didn't get the wittendale sued

for a million dollars

that guard you steamrolled is suing us

quinton avery will take care of all the

expenses it's nothing next to the hit is

deductible to take if anything here is

stolen

so let's talk instead sir about your

pathetic excuse for a security system

now look at here

i want to see the lid on these here

diamonds secured now haven't you ever

heard of heat sensors and pressure

scandal when was the last time you had a

chance to tour a museum

last night no i mean before that

third grade you know it wouldn't hurt

you to spend some more time around

culture

culture uh-huh you keep telling me that

you want to meet a woman who's bright

ambitious and

charming right right well this is the

place

there she is

go talk to her

scandal jackson beverly steele

nice to meet you

do you work here or are you just early

for the tour depends on if you're the

tour guide

only when i'm not cataloging the

collection for mr niles

i guess i'm here for the tour

when's it start right now come on

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a simple rock

forged in the cauldron of geologic

evolution into this perfect

jewel i wonder how many people have died

for this little rock

i was almost certain you would have i'm

so glad i disappointed you

on the contrary you lose i lose

it's not quite the same things are a

little different from where i sit

that's true if our thief has no success

in getting the other diamonds i shall be

very

upset but you will be dead

a child could get in here i want those

windows laced with microfilament sensors

those doors should be refitted with

fingerprint recognition locks

and iron shielding all right i want

every exhibition room placed under

constant video surveillance

fitted with heat sensors and pressure

pads um

i don't think i should listen to this

why not it would make breaking in again

too easy

you need all the help you can get okay

that ought to make knives go into

convulsions

so when are you taking us down that

would make breaking in again too hard

i think i'm gonna go case the joint oh

good excuse

what's that supposed to mean i can look

at the monitor too you know

beverly i wanted to thank you for the

tour this morning

oh my pleasure i'll take any opportunity

to admire fine art

me too that's why i wanted to expose you

to a little culture oh what'd you have

in mind

well the museum of television is having

a

salute to gilligan's island tonight

that's very tempting but

i'm afraid i'm busy tonight maybe

another time they're doing hogan's

heroes next week

well you know where to find me

okay danny i get it

breathe in

a salute to gilligan's island you are a

true aficionado of fine art

you were eavesdropping well the security

cameras have microphones too you know

what's so good of being in a

surveillance center if you can't surveil

it doesn't matter i have things to do

tonight anyway

like robbing a museum wait

wait a second hang on i don't want you

to miss a second of the skipper's wisdom

so you go to the salute

and i'll steal the diamonds

what no give my regards to the howl

no scandal

oh

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so

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so

photograph

dan you little snake

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wow

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not bad danny

i guess you weren't kidding when you

said you were busy tonight huh

and you can't take no for an answer

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oh no no she's getting away

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well scandal look at the bright side at

least you broke in undetected

you're gloating aren't you and you use

the same technique as a burglar to do it

definitely gloating you breezed in

through the ventilation system

gee why couldn't i think of something

like that you were also the one who said

she was a woman for me

i said she was bright ambitious and

charming i was absolutely right

you forgot to mention she was a burglar

uh-oh uh oh what

she's not just any burglar beverly

steele is actually tennis archer

who's tennis archer fix the laser

scanners

adjust the pressure plates you forgot

the one essential fix

fire cobra she got away with the

diamonds thanks to his ineptitude

i wouldn't be surprised if he was her

accomplice to begin with mr niles i

assure you that you were the one that

caused your problems not cobra

uh-huh the woman you hired to catalog

your collection is tennis archer

oh sir you hired the fox to guard the

hen house she is easily the second

greatest cat burglar on earth

what happened to the first that would be

reynold archer her father

this is a nightmare reynold archer was

the last of the gentleman thieves it was

like robin hood in the tucks

rumor has it he wants to only meld the

marco's slipper collection

just to donate him to a home for

indigent women there's a whole chapter

in swirling's book

brain large will travel the globe

robbing the ritz corrupted powerful

he never hit anyone who couldn't afford

it and he's never been caught

however his daughter wasn't so lucky she

spent four years in a turkish prison

until her father broke her out

i thought they both retired two

robberies in one week is a pretty big

comeback

my guess is they're not done yet what do

you have in mind

getting one step ahead of them well then

you are definitely going to need my help

nice tie so

mr niles who did you hire to run your

payroll department

db cooper

not a bad little bauble if you like

priceless diamonds

two down one to go what if i decided to

take you right now

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do you have any idea how difficult it is

to get

blood and brains of the upholstery

especially when it's a loved one

you have 48 hours to complete your

little mission or i will see to it that

he

is never a burden to our troubled

medicare system

this was everything that was in her desk

this is amazing what she's got the

location

description and value of every piece in

the collection

yeah she was casing to join getting 12

bucks an hour to do it

she could have stolen a new piece every

night and spent her day scoping out her

next target

so why didn't she well cause you caught

her

is there anything else besides the

diamonds missing no not according to

barry niles

i go after the best protected exhibit in

the museum because diamonds are a girl's

best friend

what's that looks like tandus archer

looking for a new pal

i think you're right

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looks like the cat's caught in a tree

okay you win i'll have dinner with you

well the steaks have gone up a little

dinner and a movie and the diamonds

i can't

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uh

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they're in the airport

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stop you're a dead man

i appreciate the hand but i can't let

you go you have to

please you can fence the diamonds and

become a wealthy woman

no so i can hand them over to the people

who connect my dad

if i don't kill him

son i don't know what's come over you

you're supposed to protect property from

being stolen not to steal it

look no one got away with the diamonds

are right here and so is the person who

stole those diamonds should be returned

and she should be in prison

need i remind you she's already

plundered two museums this week will you

just listen to what she has to say

please go ahead

three weeks ago my father went on a

caribbean cruise

he got off the boat and nasa and he

never came back

a few days later i got a phone call and

it was him

he'd been kidnapped oh and in return for

his freedom i was told to rob three

museums

only three by who i don't know

but i could give you a description if

that'll help that's a tall tale coming

from a professional jewel

thief look i don't blame you for

doubting me my father and i earned our

reputation

and we had a lot of fun doing it till

she got caught

yeah there's nothing fun about a turkish

prison

i got caught at the airport with the

corrupt politicians diamonds hidden in

the lining of my jacket

i was sentenced to life and if i had to

spend another month in that hell i would

have ended the sentence myself

my father broke in and rescued me before

it came to that

didn't i see it on the late show last

night supposedly you both retired

afterwards

that's like expecting a fish to breathe

air we did

he became this charming retiree

traveling all the time flirting with

rich widows

i moved to a small town started teaching

gymnastics

then he went on this cruise and my

father nearly died saving me

i will do anything to get him back well

in that case let's go on down to police

headquarters

you tell them your story come on dallas

do you really think they're gonna help

her

and you think we should yes she's a

professional thief retired

whatever she's still asking us to help

us get away with robbing our own client

she could have escaped but instead she

risked getting caught to save me

if all she wanted was a diamond since

she wouldn't be here right now would she

all right i'll look into her story

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a child could cheat better than that

shut up what do you mean by that

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i thought you'd have more smarts than to

hide cards in your belt

you'd think you'd stack the deck the way

i taught him just trying to screw with

your head okay

just tune them up steve

before i showed up when was the last

time you saw bill win

hey that's right luck is it

see what i mean gentlemen

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fine i'll prove it to you

well well well

it's rare to see a man your age so

active

i try to keep in shape well if i'd known

that

perhaps i wouldn't have taken the

trouble to draft your daughter

who incidentally is turning out to be

quite a disappointment

you haven't heard her not yet

thanos hasn't made contact at the drop

point

maybe she decided the diamonds were

worth more to her than you

then i raised her right

i don't want her throwing away a life

for me well then you should pray

she does make contact otherwise i'll

hunt her down

and kill her right in front of you

okay story checks out the cruise line

reported archer missing in nassau

and i did little research into the items

ms archer has stolen and they all have

one thing in common

that's right she has them and the owners

don't the artifacts are all owned by a

doric vinalden either directly or

through his savings and loans company

and they were all on loan to various

museums some of us really hate van alden

to go to all this trouble

unless there's another explanation

he kidnapped my father to get me to

steal fakes is this his idea of a joke

no it's his idea of insurance fraud

that makes sense because vinalden's snl

is in deep trouble the rumor on wall

street is that it's about to be seized

by the government

he needs some quick cash so he loans

fakes to the museums

keeps the originals and before anybody's

the wiser the fakes are stolen by a

famous cat burglar

and keeps the insurance pay off now do

you believe me

please accept my profound apologies ms

archer

we'll do everything in the world we can

to help you thank you which is what

simple we steal some diamonds

surely there's got to be a better way to

do this than to give into all his

demands and rob another museum

who said anything about a museum

oh you want us to steal the real

diamonds back from van alden

well we need something to bargain with

right

and if i were van alden i know where i'd

keep the goodies

let's give him a wake-up call

what happened burgers came into the

window in the foyer and left out the

front door

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anything missing we don't know yet

check the ground yes sir

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i don't think i spent all this time

doing my own recalling

i should have joined cobra years ago the

blueprints

you know the

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i'm impressed you'd make an excellent

brother

i need an expensive date

how do you figure that it's our first

one and i'm already getting you diamonds

good job let's go they're going to be

looking for us out there

come on

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yes

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i can't believe he let him get himself

captured for me that you get caught you

and your father both be dead

this way we got the diamond something to

bargain with

then it's time for me to go cut a deal

with vinalden no i don't want anyone

else putting their life on the line from

me

i'll meet with van alden if you do

you'll either become a hostage or a

corpse you can't just walk in there

talking trade

scandalwood and with him gone for the

moment i'm the top operative this van

alden is

tough and ruthless the only way to deal

with a man like that is be just as bad

i can do it dal i don't know about you

but i'm willing to put my father's life

in our hands

all right all right you do it but if

you're not back in one hour i'm going in

gun's blazing

howdy there scandal jackson i'm a friend

of your daughters

pleasure i'd shake your hands but uh i'm

indisposed why did they kidnap you

wasn't i incentive enough for her ben

alden secretly replaced his diamonds

with fakes and loaned them to museum

collections and used your daughter to

steal them

so he was going to keep the real things

and the insurance money

so we stole the real damage from him in

exchange for you brilliant

inspired i can see why she likes you

where is she she got away with the

diamonds in my car

that's my girl

great girl she'll be back right

uh just in case would you mind uh

breaking my glasses

you have one of our operatives and we

have your diamonds

we checked her out she's clean i like to

know how many people i'm talking with

just me good then let's be frank

i will cut off one of reynold archer's

fingers every hour until my possessions

are returned to me

no you won't

what you're going to do is trade my

people for the diamonds and after that

you'll wash my car if that's what i'd

like

perhaps i should just kill the gentleman

i caught last night to teach you some

respect

and maybe i should start flushing your

diamonds down the toilet just to teach

you how to talk to a lady

i'm running out of time on my parking

meter do you want the diamonds or don't

you

we'll meet at noon i own an abandoned

cannery at the waterfront

yes of course you do but i prefer to be

out in the open

we'll meet in the parking lot of the

gladstone gate mall in two hours

don't be late

get your guns and bring the car around

she will lead us to the diamonds

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so where to learn to use your glasses

for a lockpick as a burglar you have to

improvise everything is a potential tool

i learned this from a crony when i was

part of the speckled mob

oh you i had freckles no we all

wore glasses but the bespectacled mob

just didn't roll off the town

you can get their attention

kidnapping is uh very stressful for a

frail old man like me i'm surprised i

haven't had a oh

oh my god the old man's having a heart

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attack

nice heart attack you almost had me

convinced works every time old boy

oldest trick in the book

yeah let me guess swirling's practical

methodology there's a whole chapter in

there on me

i know come on

all right we'll meet up at the upper

level of the parking structure here

once they deliver scandal on your father

we'd cut them off at the lower level

we won't let them get away with the

diamonds hey as long as i get my father

back i don't care if they get away well

we do kidnapping is a crime not to

mention insurance fraud

don't forget robbery that's a big one

too

i want my diamonds well i want peace on

earth looks like we're both going to be

disappointed

i don't think so

get my diamonds and then we'll discuss

washing my car

you see that sign above the door it says

cobra means you boys just fell into a

snake but police will be here in 90

seconds

i know that i'll be longing to tell them

my story

which is what imagine my shock

when i discovered that cobra was

in league with an international thief to

rob the very museums it protects

when i confronted them they tried to

kill me

luckily my friends and i were able to

escape

the shootout alive

it's a shame that none of you were

it won't work we shall see

kill them

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don't even think about that idea bad

idea

reynolds

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i suppose swirling has a chapter to

cover this

come on

wow you know

dangling from a ledge always does it to

me

it's me right in the lower back it's

crawling through ventilation ducts that

gets me

my elbows are sore for days it's a tough

profession huh

tell me about it oh

oh let's see what i mean

ah

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so tell me something what's your father

been doing since he retired

working on his memoirs you might say

there are these

rather dry wordy books from some obscure

publisher in north carolina

i doubt you've even heard of him besides

he doesn't

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the understand of intrusion and security

evasion

you've read them every word

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so

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you