Coach (1989–1997): Season 3, Episode 22 - Diamonds Are a Dentist's Best Friend - full transcript

FEMALE NARRATOR: Coach is
filmed before a studio audience.

Morning.
Is Dad around?

He went fishing a couple of hours
ago but should be back any minute.

Anything I can
do for you?

Stuart and I
were wondering,

since you and dad have a fourth
anniversary coming up next weekend,

if we could throw you kind of a
combination anniversary, engagement party,

here at the cabin
next Saturday night?

Oh, I think that's really
sweet and I would love it.

But you know your father,
he hates parties.

This wouldn't
be anything big.



I don't think the size
would make any difference.

It's the word "party"
that sets him off.

Well, let me see
what I can do.

(HUMMING)

Hey, Kelly.
Hey, Daddy.

How was the fishing?

Well, depends on who you ask.
I thought it was great.

But these fellows
might disagree.

(CHUCKLING) All right,
all right, that's enough.

So listen, Dad,
would it be okay if

Stuart and I came over to see you
and Christine next Saturday night?

Sure.

Great.

Would it be okay if Dauber
and Judy were with us?



Well, if Stuart's going to be here,
Watkins can't make it any worse.

HAYDEN: Sure.
KELLY: Great.

Oh, I just thought
of something.

You know, if Luther
doesn't get invited

don't you think he might
get his feelings hurt?

Oh, yeah? Well, tell
Luth to come, too.

Great.

Oh, I just thought
of something else.

We don't want to
interrupt your dinner.

How about if we
all eat together?

Yeah, sure.

Do you mind if we
bring the food?

I'd mind
if you didn't.

KELLY: Great.

Okay, next Saturday night,

we'll all get together at
8:00, and we'll bring the food.

That sounds great.
Okay.

How was that?
Masterful.

Can we have
lunch sometime?

Maybe.

I got a message,
you wanted to see me, Dad?

Yeah, you wanna
sit down, honey?

Did I do
something wrong?

No, you just didn't do
something well enough.

You thought you could pull the wool
over your old man's eyes, didn't you?

What wool?

Yeah, I just want you to know that
when you came over Sunday morning,

you never fooled me.

This thing Saturday night,
it's a party, isn't it?

A party?

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.

Baby Fox is very clever, but Daddy Fox has
been around the den a little bit longer.

It doesn't take a genius to figure
out that when it's your anniversary

and people are coming over,
and they're bringing food,

that they're gonna
throw you a party.

Oh, I guess it was
kind of obvious, huh?

It was totally
transparent.

By Sunday night I had
the whole thing figured out.

Do you hate me?

No, actually,
I think it's kind of sweet.

You know, it's not like
it's going to be a big party.

You know, it's just
the people closest to you.

And Stuart and Judy.

Yeah, right.

You know, it's just that I wanted
to celebrate your engagement,

and this seemed like
the perfect time.

Plus, I kind of wanted to be there when
you gave Christine her engagement ring.

Huh?

You are going to give
her aring, aren't you?

Well, yeah sure,
eventually.

But, gee, I mean,
I wasn't going to do it Saturday night.

(KELLY EXCLAIMS)

I know she's getting something
really special for you.

What?

I'm not going
to tell you.

I'm just saying that you're gonna want to
have something equally special to give her.

How do I know what's equal if
I don't know what I'm getting?

An engagement ring
would be equal.

Do you want me to go with
you, help pick it out?

No, no, thanks.
I can go pick it out.

DAUBER: Morning.
KELLY: Hey.

Hi, Kelly.

What in the world
are you guys eating?

Chili dogs from
the snack-mobile.

At 9:00 in the morning?

We're having them
with orange juice.

Okay, I've got
to get to class.

Listen, if you change your mind
and need help, let me know.

See you guys Saturday.
Okay, honey.

Need help with what?

Kelly thinks I should get Christine an
engagement ring for our anniversary.

So, what's the best
jewelry store in town?

(LUTHER SNICKERING)

(BOTH SNICKERING)

Did I say
something funny?

I don't know.

You're going to get an engagement
ring at a jewelry store?

You mean, as opposed
to a muffler shop?

Do you know how much
an engagement ring costs?

No, Bob Barker,
why don't you tell me?

In a jewelry store?

$10,000, $12,000.

Are you serious?

I think he probably is, Coach.
He doesn't joke about jewelry.

Oh, jeez, I mean,
I can't afford $10,000.

And I'm saying
you don't have to.

I can get you a $10,000
ring for $2,500.

Where?
Art Hibke.

Your dentist?
Yeah.

Your dentist sells
engagement rings?

He doesn't just sell them,
Hayden, he custom-makes them.

I'm not going to get Christine's
engagement ring from a discount dentist!

Man.

Well, then you're a fool.

Christine isn't going
to care where it came from.

I'll care. I love Christine.
I want her to have the best.

These are the best, Hayden.

These are uptown rings
at downtown prices.

Hey, I've got to go this afternoon,
anyway, to get a haircut.

Why don't you
go with me?

Oh, man.

Just take a look.
Just take a look at what he's got.

Maybe you could stop
by a jewelry store,

so you have something
to compare.

Hey, Art would
welcome that.

This had better be
top-quality stuff.

Hey, look who
you're talking to.

Hey, Art.
Hey, Luther.

You remember my friend,
Hayden Fox?

Why, sure. I did some work
on you earlier in the year.

So, did you come down to
watch Luther get his hair cut?

No, Hayden's looking
for an engagement ring.

Oh, well, congratulations.
Who's the lucky girl?

Christine Armstrong.

Well, you've made
a wise choice.

You know Christine?

No, I mean coming
here for the ring.

I don't know if Luther told you,
but you're not going to find better prices

from any other jeweler
or doctor in town.

Yeah, well,
that's what we're hoping,

because we stopped by
a couple of jewelry stores.

I can't believe
what they are charging.

Yeah, they really soak you.

But you know my
philosophy, Hayden,

"I don't spend money,
and I don't expect you to."

Now, let me show you
what I've got.

Okay.

Now, these are
only zircons,

but they'll give you
an idea of the cut

and the size of the stone
you're looking for.

I don't keep real diamonds
here in the office

because then I would
need insurance.

And once you start adding
frills like insurance...

(WHISTLES)

Ain't he great?
He thinks of everything.

Yeah.

I'll give you
an idea here.

Let's see, now this would be your emerald cut.
That's very classy.

This is your marquise.

This is your...

This is an incisor,
that shouldn't be in here.

Well, listen, Art,
where do you get your real diamonds from?

I'm very close friends with a
periodontist, who's a diamond importer,

and he flies all his
stones in from Antwerp.

And they are all high
quality stones and stuff?

Hayden, I may cut corners
when it comes to dentistry,

but when it comes
to making jewelry,

I pride myself on quality.

After all, dental work is only
temporary but a diamond is forever.

Here, let me show you
some of my settings.

There.

This is your
"Eternal Promise."

This is "Forget-me-not."

I kind of like the
"Forget-me-not," myself.

Yeah, me too.

How much is all
this gonna cost?

I can give you
a full one carat,

blue-white diamond
with super clarity,

in the "Forget-me-not"
setting for $2,650.

And because I'm a marshmallow
when it comes to weddings,

I'll throw in a free gum
examination for you and the missus.

Luther,

I've got to tell
you something.

This sounds like
a really good deal.

Hey, it's a great deal.
I knew you'd go for it once you saw the set-up.

Hey, Art, can we get it
by Saturday night?

No problem. I have a shipment
of stones coming in Friday.

I can pick it up Saturday,
then bring it with me to the party.

Okay, yeah, okay.

I'm gonna do it.
Great.

Did your old buddy come
through for you or what?

I'll have your ring
for you on Saturday night.

And congratulations again.

When's the wedding,
by the way?

Uh... Oh, well,
we haven't really decided.

Well, if you set a date,

and the missus needs
someone to do her hair...

Dad, when are you going
to give Christine her gift?

I told you,
I wanna wait for Luther.

But we've been
waiting over an hour.

So, we'll wait
another hour.

We'll wait until
hell freezes over.

I want this to be
special, damn it.

Oh, this is great.
I've got the most incredible close-up.

How about an
incredible long shot,

like from the middle
of the lake?

Hayden, when are you
going to open the gifts?

When you can walk through a
door without ducking, Watkins.

Why is it so important that Luther
be here when we open the gifts?

Hayden, I really am
dying to give you yours.

I wish everybody would just stop
bugging me about when to open the gifts.

I wanna wait for Luther.

All right, if we have to wait,
then maybe we could ask Stuart to perform something.

Oh, I would love to.

Okay, Christine, what the
hell, open up your gift.

Hayden, you sit down right
in the middle of the sofa.

Dauber, would you
go get it?

Right.

I hope you like this.

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN SURPRISE)

Oh, Christine!

They're custom-made
and weighted.

And each one is
engraved with your name.

Well, these are incredible.

These are just
like the pros use.

And you have to order these
babies six months in advance.

I know.

Imagine how I felt
when we broke up.

How did you even... How did you
even know to buy clubs like these?

Well, I didn't, but I had a friend
and I called him and he helped me.

Who?

Arnold Palmer.

Arnold Palmer?
Yeah.

He's a famous
golfer, Coach.

You called Arnold Palmer?

Well, I interviewed him one time
and fortunately he remembered me.

And he was so sweet,
he personally picked these out.

Arnold Palmer
touched these clubs?

He actually swung them.

Well, I hope they
remember what he did.

Ah, Christine,
you really went first class.

Well, you're a
first class guy.

Yeah, right.

Now, what have you got
for your first class gal?

Oh, God, I wish
Luther were here.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

Hey, I think I just
heard a car door.

Oh my God,
I hope that's Luther.

Where the hell
you been?

We've got trouble, Hayden.
Oh, God, no.

There's been a delay, the plane from
Antwerp can't get here till midnight.

Midnight?

But don't worry,
if everything goes to plan,

Art can have the ring made up
and here by 2:00 in the morning.

I can't wait till
2:00 in the morning.

I've got to
give her a gift now!

Wait, Art Hibke
is way ahead of you.

He made up this fake ring to
look just like the real one.

Except, instead of a
diamond, it's zircon.

Oh, well,
this is just great!

I mean, Christine just gave me
a custom-made set of golf clubs

that Arnold Palmer
picked out personally.

I can't stick her
with a bogus ring.

You could always do the classy
thing and tell her the truth.

Oh yeah, right.
Here's a classy story.

The plane from Antwerp
with your cut-rate diamond

is little bit late,
sweetheart.

So, Luther's dentist just
made up areal keen fake one,

happy engagement.

Well, jeez, Hayden, I'd think you
could make it sound better than that.

How? It's the truth.

I got Arnold Palmer,
and she's gonna get Art Hibke.

Let me see
this thing.

Why, it...
It doesn't look that bad.

I told you, Hayden,
he's a real artist.

Hey, if you really want
to save some...

Luther.

Okay, here's what we do.
I give her this ring now.

Tonight, when she takes it
off and she goes to sleep,

I'll snatch it, I'll come out
here and meet you guys at 2:30,

and we'll switch rings.

That's simple.
Yeah.

You just better hope all this goes
okay, because if it doesn't,

I'm going to blame
you for everything.

Hey, everybody,
look who's here!

Hi, everybody.

Sorry I'm late.
My apartment was on fire.

What?

Don't say
things like that.

Don't pay any attention,
Christine.

Hey, guess what?
I can give you your gift now.

KELLY: All right.

Come on, everybody.

Christine, I don't know
if this is in the same league

with the custom-made
golf clubs from you and

Arnold, but

you know how much
you mean to me,

and I just hope that
this comes close to saying

how much.

Oh, Hayden.

(SIGHS)

Oh, my God.

Way to go, Coach.

You like it?
I love it!

You like it?

I don't believe it.

What do you mean,
you don't believe it?

I mean, I'm overwhelmed.

It's gorgeous.

Oh, Hayden,
you shouldn't have.

Oh, yeah, well,
what the hey, huh?

Will you put this on me?
Well, sure.

It's really beautiful,
Hayden.

What jewelry store
did you get it from?

Yay, now it's
official.

Oh, Hayden,
I love you.

And I love you,
too, Christine.

I am never taking this off
as long as I live.

(CLOCK TICKING)

(WHISPERING) Psst, Luther.

(MAN WHISTLING)

What are you doing?

We didn't want
Christine to see us.

We've got the ring.
Shh.

I haven't got
the fake ring.

Christine refused to take it
off and now I can't get it off.

So, she really
liked it, huh?

Yeah, she loved it.

How are we gonna
make the switch?

Maybe we can soap it off.

Maybe I can get it off.
My fingers are all greasy.

How do we do that
without waking her up?

Hayden, I...

I don't know what you'd think
of this but I've got a small

emergency tank of
nitrous oxide in my car.

You mean you want
to give her gas?

It's the same stuff I use in the
office and it's perfectly safe.

Oh, jeez, I don't know, I mean,
giving her a fake engagement ring is one thing,

but knocking her out seems like
it's just one step over the line.

Oh, man.

We can always go back
to telling her the truth.

Yeah. Right.
Let's gas her.

She's beautiful,
by the way.

Thank you.

This will only take
a couple of seconds.

There, that should do it.

Hand me the butter.

I'm going to have to eat my biscuits dry
now, but that's okay.

Oh, God,
I hope this works.

Here we go.

Uh-oh.
What's the matter?

Well, either I made the ring too
small or her finger has swollen.

Did you have salty
food for dinner?

I don't know.
Are you sure you can't get it off?

I could try
sawing it off.

Then try that.

The problem is
I can't do it here.

What do you mean?

I don't carry a jeweler's saw with
me, Hayden.

I keep it where it belongs,

at my dental office.

Well, then go
back and get it.

It would be faster and safer
if we took her there.

What?

I don't want to start
sawing anything

unless she's properly braced
and I've got the right light.

Oh, this is
just great.

What's the big deal? We'll just
throw a coat over her and carry her.

And she'll never know the difference.
Come on, we'll help you.

No, no, no. I'll do that.
You guys wait outside.

Sweetheart,

yeah, I know you don't
know what's going on, but

if your subconscious
is listening, Christine,

this is all
Luther's fault.

Attagirl.

Attagirl, whoa, no.

No, honey.

Okay, here we go.

Up we go now.
Up!

Up.

Up.

Up.

Up baby, up.

Put her in the chair
and I'll get my tools.

Give me a hand
here, Luth.

HAYDEN:
Good, good, good, good.

So, do you think...
Hayden!

She does that when
we go ice skating.

Luther.
What is it?

There's a rubber hose in
the bottom of that cabinet.

Get it and tie
her arm down.

What's the best
way to do this?

I've never tied a woman up
with a rubber hose before.

Here, I'll do it.

Art, we're going to need some more gas.
She's coming to.

Oops.

Art, hurry up,
hurry up.

Hayden.

Yeah, right here,
honey.

Go to sleep.
Luther, turn off the lights.

I can't move my arm.

Oh, that's because you
probably slept on it, honey.

You just go
to sleep now.

It's not asleep but
I really can't move it.

Hayden,
am I tied up?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh baby, don't be silly,
you're just having 3 bad dream.

Hayden, I'm not even in bed.
Where am 1?

Okay, just don't panic now,
everything's okay.

Luther, turn on the lights.
Luther?

Art Hibke.
Don't worry, I'm a dentist.

Let me start by saying,
this all happened because I love you so much.