Clatterford (2006–2009): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript
After several setbacks and second thoughts Tash finally marries Spike in an open air ceremony in a field by the river. The wedding is organized by the Guild and Tash and some of the other guests are dressed as fairies. After the ceremony the couple, and Tash's son, go off in a mobile library van which they have begun to convert into a camper home. Sal breathes a sigh of relief.
# We are the Village Green
Preservation Sodely
# God save Donald Duck,
vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties... #
(Mendelssohn Wedding March plays)
How's that? That will be for a wedding.
Yes, but possibly slightly more suitable
for an accompaniment to a ride on the waltzers
or a novelty night
out at Pontin's holiday camp.
WILL you let me know If I got the Job? Then
I'll take the ad out of the Post Office window.
You can't play CDs forever, Vicar.
Look, I'll play you a slow one now.
Good for funerals.
- (Slghs)
- (Plays song)
Two, three, four!
# We'll meet agaln
- # Don't know where, don't know when...
- Yes, yes, all right. Thank you!
How's the decoupage going over there?
- I love It
- The art of glue.
Because you can adomn anything with It
Hairbrush. Jewellery box.
- Not on your face, Rosle darling.
- (Tuts) Oh.
I can't get him to engage or talk to me
properly. I've had enough now.
The farm Is dying on Its feet
and he's Just..oh, you know.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know, but I can't take It any more.
I Just can't go on Uke this.
It's not worth It for a farm.
- Oh, hiya, everyone.
- Congratulations!
I know, I can't believe It
Isn't It Uke welrd?
Cheer me up. How are plans for the wedding
going? How happy are you, woman?
Mm! Mm-mm.
- Oh, good face. Now that face? What?
- Mm.
They won't let me have anything to do
with It They want to do It all on thelr own.
Oh, best let them, then.
Have you decided
where you're gonna have the wedding?
- Well..
- l1 got married where Ricky proposed to me.
- Where was that, Rosle?
- In the cab of his truck down the yard.
And all the other lads was Uke
honking the homs and cheering and stuff.
And then we went over
to the White Hart for a drink.
And Ricky's so romantic, he lald on
all this food like peanuts and crisps
and Twiglets, scratchings,
you know, lke gherkins.
It was Uke food galore.
Which was Just as well, because Uke
his mother was clder-bladdered by then.
Then we went home and, you know,
consumed the marriage.
- Ideal
- At mine we had some lovely...
- Shh, we want to Usten to her.
- Yeah, thank you.
Well, we were thinking Uke maybe the church
cos It's got Uke a medlevally vibe.
I'm going to wear a dress with long sleeves
with bits that go with the finger.
She doesn't realise
It's all got to be planned. So when?
Let her leamn.
- You see, I was late for my wedding.
- Oh.
My father's glass eye fell out. Dog ate It
Really?
- When were you thinking?
- In a couple of weeks, so no panic.
- You let us know If we can be of any help.
- Flowers.
- Yeah, or bridesmaid.
- I've actually got...
- Where are you going to live?
- Well, um...not here, obviously.
Because, um...Splke and I are Uke travellers
so we lke to be free.
We llke to...feel free.
So, um...probably look for a van.
Oh. Did you ever hear any more
about the mobile Ubrary?
No, because that would be
ke my dream home.
- Tlp, where did you get married?
- Cork. I don't remember much.
- I didn't so much go away as pass out.
- (Laughs)
But you woke up with a lovely man.
- (Others) Yes.
- Lovely Colln.
- I've actually got my wedding video here.
- Really?
I Just thought for Ideas and...
- Put It on!
- Oh, OK.
- I suppose It'lL save us having a talk.
- Got to see this.
Better get a move on
If you're gonna get married In two weeks.
- Budge up, budge up.
- Not seen this for ages.
- Oh, there I am.
- (Others) Oh.
- Yeah, so I wore yellow.
- Oh, dear.
Which was a mistake.
That's the cake. That was lovely.
Now, do you see the headdress?
Yes, that's pretty, Isn't It? That's lovely.
(Tuts and giggles)
Oh, stuffing my face as usual
Oh, that was the disco. Oh, that was brilliant.
Oh, don't look at me dancing. I look so sllly.
No, this Is the cake.
Look, those Uttle figures. That was really...
I Just think putting those on the cake was
Just so lovely. It's Uke a bride and groom.
Cutting the cake.
That was a lovely table arrangement.
Um...I don't know what I'm saying there.
Go on!
(Laughs)
Martin?
Martin, where are you?
It's not how I remembered It
- When we're married, we're still cool, yeah?
- Yeah.
It's Just Uke gonna be Uke me, you, Ralph.
You know, lke as It Is now,
but after, you know, Just hanging.
Oh, my God, yeah. I'm not gonna change.
We are gonna be like totally free.
Mm.
(mooing)
- Colin!
- I can't stop, Tip. I've got a Jammed arm.
Plece of crap!
I Just want you to sign these.
Where Is the bilL for the tyre?
- Tony sald he gave It to you.
- Yeah, yesterday.
- There.
- That's fine.
I got the top fields to do
then I can start spreading.
1 know.
- Do you want me to hit this for good luck?
= I don't know.
I know how hard you're working.
I can't go back to contracting.
1 know.
But then we're Just gonna have to think
of something else, the way things are going.
Yeah, It'll be all right
- (Tapping)
- Course It will
Don't...don't touch It. Please leave It
- Put It down.
- Hey.
Hey. So, what do we think?
- We really love It
- I'm so pleased.
I haven't been here since my dad's funeral
- I have never been In here.
- You do surprise me.
So may I enquire precisely why you wish
to be Joined In holy matrimony
In the house of our Lord?
This place...
- has a very special position In the town.
= Yes.
And If you want a registry office
you have to go to Exeter.
= Your point?
- All our friends Uve near here, right?
And...and they could walk here, which Is great.
And also It's very close to the Rugby Club
so no transport needs to be lald on.
It Is our perfect venue.
Yes, we are lucky here.
We find we get a lot of our bookings
thanks to our close proximity
to the aforementioned Rugby Club.
- May I ask about avallabllity?
- Well, I'll have to look In my book.
- But when were you thinking?
- End of September.
Yes, well, I'm completely booked till 2009.
Do you Imagine you'll still be together then?
- So, what...what are you hoping to have?
- Wedding.
Oh, well, they have lots of those.
It doesn't always look this miserable,
so don't be put off.
Er...want to see the flle?
See what they can do?
How many?
Oh, would It be...be Uke a hundred
or something?
It's up to you. Only the more people In here,
the better, cos then you won't see the room.
Yeah, I will probably decorate,
and, um...have lghts.
Yes, right. There's amazing things
you can do with balloons.
- Shall I run through a few prices with you?
- OK.
Right. Well, now, the price of the room
Isn't too bad really. Just a hundred quid.
But It's the bits and bobs on top
that mount up.
Now, you've got to be thinking for a hundred
people, oh...£15 a head, food minimum.
And Includes glass of sparkling white wine
or choice of frult Juices on arrival
Yeah. Plus three can...canapes per guest,
spring rolls, satay chicken,
and minl filo tart.
Starched Unen napkins In the choice
of three colours, burgundy, Ulac or Ivory,
come In at £1.20 per head.
Those can be co-ordinated with your matching
seat cushion covers on the baslc dining chair
for an additional 55 pence per head.
Or your full Jacket with Velcro bow to rear.
Well, more for your relatives' side, really.
.Per head.
So total, and I've skimped on fancies,
Is 5,876.
Oh, and there's VAT on top. And that's
with pay bar but not Including staff.
I think...
I had better Just discuss It with my fiancé.
So It's good you want to get married soon,
cos after next week I'm not working here
and some other person's working here, not me,
so you're Uke really Lucky.
Where you're standing now,
where all the whitey weddingy dresses are,
that's Uke really expensive.
(Chuckles) So stop.
And that one you're wearing now
It's called Pre-dementia,
and It's Uke mid-range,
be about two and a half grand.
- That's Uke madness.
- I totally know.
I mean two grand.
- God, that's...that's ke a house.
- I know. It's madness.
Anyway, look, here's the thing.
I could pretend that I'm taking
the dress to the dry-cleaner's
and you could borrow It,
but you would have to have It back here
by six o'clock,
and Uke you could not drink
or Uke sweat In It or anything.
We could also do It Uke I pretend I'm getting
married, then we'd get a really bilg discount,
but I have already done that
for quite a few friends,
and they're beginning to get a bit funny.
Um...If you were gonna get a dress
from here, then, Uke, not that one,
because, to be honest,
and...and don't take this the wrong way,
but you look totally demented.
Yasmeen? Would you Just ask Tash
how her wedding plans are going?
- Right. Tash?
= Mm?
How are your wedding plans?
Yeah, great.
Just..
Getting my head around It
Me and your dad got married
In a registry office In Liverpool
A few friends. Back to his mum's
for tea and sandwiches.
Then off to Rhyl for a few days In my Minl.
Yeah, we've seen the pictures. Dad's trousers
were too short and Gran had a moustache.
- Yeah, not quite what I was thinking.
- No.
(Sighs) Oh, well
- Mum?
- Yes?
You know how people...
Uke, glve presents?
= Yes?
- Do you think they would give money?
Money?
Mm. And If you didn't glve us a present,
you could give money.
For the wedding?
- (PIng)
- Right.
Yasmeen, could you Just check
that the pizza's defrosted? Thank you.
How much money?
Well, for the one that I want,
7,869 pounds and 99p.
Right.
Can we talk about this later?
Girls are In the kitchen. Beer?
Cheers, yeah. Ralph's asleep.
Good.
Well, l...1 suppose I'd better
welcome you officially to the family.
Mm. Cool
I Just hope you Intend
to look after her properly.
Because If you think
you're gonna get away with treating her
ke all those other useless travellers
and the so-called Rufus did
then you'd better have another thing coming.
(Qulet chatter)
The drugs stop now. Is that understood?
The sleeping around stops now.
And remember, I'm your GP. I know everything.
There Is a child, my nephew, to think about.
And I expect you to take your responsibility
seriously or face the consequences.
So If...If you do a runner, or hurt Tash,
there...there'll be nowhere for you to hide.
L...1 will find you and I will hurt you.
Just...Just get It Into
whatever braln cell still exists
that I am a doctor,
I know how to save lives,
but I also know how to kilL
Pizzas!
Pizzas. Yum.
Are you all right?
It's Just so much money.
And people say they can do It
and...and that Is their Job,
and then they can't do It until next year so
why are they there at all If they can't do It?
And how long does It take to bake a cake?
And the thing Is, If we can't get married
In two weeks when we want,
we have to walt for Uke 200 years.
- I haven't got that kind of money, Tash.
- Oh, I know.
But I could have, because I've been thinking,
and I could sell the car,
cos I hardly ever use It,
and there's the premium bonds
which I can cash.
No, Mum.
I Just wanted to show you that I could do It
and that I am grown-up
and can do stuff.
Oh, Tash.
Tash, you are grown-up.
Do you know why I think
you're the most grown-up person I know?
No.
Because you know your own mind,
and not many people do.
But you are so different.
You know, most girls that I see when they're
getting married look about flve years old,
as If they're wearing
thelr mums' high heels and Upstick.
And It doesn't mean anything. It's wrong.
- Mum?
- Mm?
Would you...
(Chuckles) Yes.
= Yes, I'll help you.
- Would you Just do It?
(Chuckles)
But there's one thing you have to remember.
This Is really Important.
- OK.
- I don't Uke frult cake.
Col! Tum around and take me
on a tour of the river fields.
- Am I allowed to ask why?
- You are, and I shall tell you.
We have got a job.
Hey!
That's better.
(Chatter)
Well, I never married,
which I think Is for the best.
Yes.
I was married twice.
The first one was a moper. Had his nose
put out of joint when I had an affair.
Queenle.
- With the mald.
- Queenle!
Caking.
How many sausages for 100 people?
Fifteen up to there.
You know what John and I are rather Into
at the moment? Spit roast.
- Really?
- He and his friend Gerry do It. I love It
- Really?
- Yeah. Do you?
- No.
- I was going to Invite you over. Tum around.
That's the thing about a wedding.
It's Just a great party.
The problem with parties Is
that people forget to host them.
They get all the Ingredients
and expect It to Just happen.
Yes, and then get angry when It doesn't
It's Uke people get everything together for
a wonderful Ufe, and then forget to lve It
Waiting for the Joy that never happens.
- Oh!
- Oh, Rosle. Rosle darling.
Oh...!
Ooh!
(Grunts)
Wakey-wakey.
Come on.
Good morning.
Hey, this Is the last time
I'm gonna be able to to do this.
(Chuckles)
So please don't make comments
all through the ceremony or I will leave.
Could have made an effort.
Ah, so.
- What do we think?
- I can't think anything. I've been gagged.
Calm down.
Oh, Queenle, I do think we've done "em proud.
I love your lanterns.
- Trago Mils.
- Even so.
(Low chatter)
Hello. How are you?
Hello.
Ah, the legal requirements.
- Why do they always look Uke that?
- Stop It
Oh, Katle darling.
- You're looking lovely, sweetheart.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yes, you do.
- Oh, thank you.
T's nice to have an occasion .
- Are you hoping to catch the bouquet?
- Oh, no.
No, not at all
My God, Mum. Have they changed the music?
Do I look amazing? Are my wings straight?
Yes, they look flne.
- Have a look and check. Walt, walt!
- OK. Yes, you look beautiful
Sal? I Just want to be sure,
who Is the maln bridesmaid?
- You are.
- Yeah, ll am, I am. I am.
I would Uke to welcome you all
to the wedding of Natasha Jane Vine
and Samuel john Pike.
- Done It
- Cheers.
Samuel and Natasha
will now speak to each other
with words that they have written themselves.
Feastle joly edira IthylL
Tan yanaeae bellae gyasera.
Tosnoninaroc meleth.
Amivernae lssae.
Elvish,
Chaucer.
I say to you, my love,
In front of this gathered throng,
I give you my heart for safekeeping
untlL the moon and the stars should fallL
And we are bound together In love
by soft, silken, caterplllary threads,
here of our own free will together, but free.
(Applause)
(Chatter)
(Chatter)
Susle, I've only Just managed to get here.
I've been at the vet's all morning.
Dog's back end went.
- No!
- BIt Uke John's mother.
(Giggling)
# The Elfin Knight stands on yon hill
# Blowing his hom both loud and shrill
# He stands so proud and he stands so still
Blow, winds, blow...
Here, how do you know Elvish, then?
- Well, I am an elf, so...
- Course you are.
# Blow, winds, blow, my bonny o
# Blow, winds, blow, my bonny...
So that's new, right?
And that's blue. And all of It Is old.
And all of It Is borrowed,
apart from the boots, which are ancient.
So apart from the fire, I reckon
this whole thing Is totally carbon neutral
# My bonny o
# Blow, winds, blow...
- What's that?
- That's a hog.
Dead?
By now, yes.
# My bonny...
- oh
(Laughs)
- Mum, I love my wedding.
- Oh, darling.
I love you. You look lovely.
Qulet. Listen up, everybody.
Some speeches.
- Filrst of all, the mother of the bride.
- (Cheering)
- No, no, no. I don't make speeches.
- Go on.
Oh, God. Well, I Just love you both very much.
Oh, my goodness.
Right, well, now we'll have
a speech from the groom.
- Mm? Yeah?
- That's you, mate. That's you.
- You have got a speech?
- Speech?
- You are the groom.
- Er...yeah. Yeah. (Clears throat)
- Oh, my God. Are you gonna do a speech?
- Yeah, no, no, It's all right.
(Clears throat) Um...
I Just wanted to say thank you to everyone
who did all this and...and that.
And, er...looks bloody great!
(Laughter)
- And...and so does my wife.
- (Cheering)
Oh, well done, Splkey.
- Well done, mate.
- (Clears throat)
Oh, right. Um...another speech,
from the brother of the bride.
(Crowd oohs)
(Clears throat) Ladles and gentlemen,
um...falres, pixies, elves,
er..can I Just start by...by saying
what a wonderful occasion this has been,
um...two such unique people
In...In such a unique way.
Tash Is a very extraordinary person.
She Is brave and adventurous,
she...she stands out from the crowd.
And never more so than today.
L...I've never seen her looking more beautiful
And I know that my father
would have been the proudest man
If he were here today,
and so am 1.
I...I'm proud of my sister.
And Splke Is...Is a very, very, very...
very, very
lucky man.
Ladles and gentlemen, I glve you Tash.
# Standing so proud and he's standing so still
# Blow, winds, blow, my bonny o
# Blow, winds, blow, my bonny
# Blow, winds, blow, my bonny o
# Blow, winds, blow, my bonny
# Blow, winds, blow, my bonny o
# Blow, winds, blow, my bonny...
- Are you dancing? I'm asking.
- Mm. Oh.
Thank you so much
for everything that you've done.
I think your hard work's really pald off
cos I actually think I look amazing.
I actually think I look
Just Uke totally fantastic.
(Chatter)
(Cheering)
Oh! Be happy!
Tash, you know how I sald
I'd get you a cab to go away In?
- Well, I forgot.
- Oh.
Mm, so Instead,
1 got you this.
(Cheering)
- Oh, It's the old mobile Ubrary!
- Ah, and now It's her mobile home.
I wonder If they'll keep the shelves.
Off you go. Go travelling, the three of you.
# So come the storms of winter
# And then the birds In spring again
# I have no fear of time
# For who knows how my love grows?
# And who knows where the time... #
(Hums tune)
(Tash) Mum!
I'm drying my hair.
(Hairdryer on)
# We are the Village Green
Preservation Sodely
# God save Donald Duck,
vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties
# Preserving the old ways
from being abused
# Protecting the new ways
for me and for you... #
Preservation Sodely
# God save Donald Duck,
vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties... #
(Mendelssohn Wedding March plays)
How's that? That will be for a wedding.
Yes, but possibly slightly more suitable
for an accompaniment to a ride on the waltzers
or a novelty night
out at Pontin's holiday camp.
WILL you let me know If I got the Job? Then
I'll take the ad out of the Post Office window.
You can't play CDs forever, Vicar.
Look, I'll play you a slow one now.
Good for funerals.
- (Slghs)
- (Plays song)
Two, three, four!
# We'll meet agaln
- # Don't know where, don't know when...
- Yes, yes, all right. Thank you!
How's the decoupage going over there?
- I love It
- The art of glue.
Because you can adomn anything with It
Hairbrush. Jewellery box.
- Not on your face, Rosle darling.
- (Tuts) Oh.
I can't get him to engage or talk to me
properly. I've had enough now.
The farm Is dying on Its feet
and he's Just..oh, you know.
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know, but I can't take It any more.
I Just can't go on Uke this.
It's not worth It for a farm.
- Oh, hiya, everyone.
- Congratulations!
I know, I can't believe It
Isn't It Uke welrd?
Cheer me up. How are plans for the wedding
going? How happy are you, woman?
Mm! Mm-mm.
- Oh, good face. Now that face? What?
- Mm.
They won't let me have anything to do
with It They want to do It all on thelr own.
Oh, best let them, then.
Have you decided
where you're gonna have the wedding?
- Well..
- l1 got married where Ricky proposed to me.
- Where was that, Rosle?
- In the cab of his truck down the yard.
And all the other lads was Uke
honking the homs and cheering and stuff.
And then we went over
to the White Hart for a drink.
And Ricky's so romantic, he lald on
all this food like peanuts and crisps
and Twiglets, scratchings,
you know, lke gherkins.
It was Uke food galore.
Which was Just as well, because Uke
his mother was clder-bladdered by then.
Then we went home and, you know,
consumed the marriage.
- Ideal
- At mine we had some lovely...
- Shh, we want to Usten to her.
- Yeah, thank you.
Well, we were thinking Uke maybe the church
cos It's got Uke a medlevally vibe.
I'm going to wear a dress with long sleeves
with bits that go with the finger.
She doesn't realise
It's all got to be planned. So when?
Let her leamn.
- You see, I was late for my wedding.
- Oh.
My father's glass eye fell out. Dog ate It
Really?
- When were you thinking?
- In a couple of weeks, so no panic.
- You let us know If we can be of any help.
- Flowers.
- Yeah, or bridesmaid.
- I've actually got...
- Where are you going to live?
- Well, um...not here, obviously.
Because, um...Splke and I are Uke travellers
so we lke to be free.
We llke to...feel free.
So, um...probably look for a van.
Oh. Did you ever hear any more
about the mobile Ubrary?
No, because that would be
ke my dream home.
- Tlp, where did you get married?
- Cork. I don't remember much.
- I didn't so much go away as pass out.
- (Laughs)
But you woke up with a lovely man.
- (Others) Yes.
- Lovely Colln.
- I've actually got my wedding video here.
- Really?
I Just thought for Ideas and...
- Put It on!
- Oh, OK.
- I suppose It'lL save us having a talk.
- Got to see this.
Better get a move on
If you're gonna get married In two weeks.
- Budge up, budge up.
- Not seen this for ages.
- Oh, there I am.
- (Others) Oh.
- Yeah, so I wore yellow.
- Oh, dear.
Which was a mistake.
That's the cake. That was lovely.
Now, do you see the headdress?
Yes, that's pretty, Isn't It? That's lovely.
(Tuts and giggles)
Oh, stuffing my face as usual
Oh, that was the disco. Oh, that was brilliant.
Oh, don't look at me dancing. I look so sllly.
No, this Is the cake.
Look, those Uttle figures. That was really...
I Just think putting those on the cake was
Just so lovely. It's Uke a bride and groom.
Cutting the cake.
That was a lovely table arrangement.
Um...I don't know what I'm saying there.
Go on!
(Laughs)
Martin?
Martin, where are you?
It's not how I remembered It
- When we're married, we're still cool, yeah?
- Yeah.
It's Just Uke gonna be Uke me, you, Ralph.
You know, lke as It Is now,
but after, you know, Just hanging.
Oh, my God, yeah. I'm not gonna change.
We are gonna be like totally free.
Mm.
(mooing)
- Colin!
- I can't stop, Tip. I've got a Jammed arm.
Plece of crap!
I Just want you to sign these.
Where Is the bilL for the tyre?
- Tony sald he gave It to you.
- Yeah, yesterday.
- There.
- That's fine.
I got the top fields to do
then I can start spreading.
1 know.
- Do you want me to hit this for good luck?
= I don't know.
I know how hard you're working.
I can't go back to contracting.
1 know.
But then we're Just gonna have to think
of something else, the way things are going.
Yeah, It'll be all right
- (Tapping)
- Course It will
Don't...don't touch It. Please leave It
- Put It down.
- Hey.
Hey. So, what do we think?
- We really love It
- I'm so pleased.
I haven't been here since my dad's funeral
- I have never been In here.
- You do surprise me.
So may I enquire precisely why you wish
to be Joined In holy matrimony
In the house of our Lord?
This place...
- has a very special position In the town.
= Yes.
And If you want a registry office
you have to go to Exeter.
= Your point?
- All our friends Uve near here, right?
And...and they could walk here, which Is great.
And also It's very close to the Rugby Club
so no transport needs to be lald on.
It Is our perfect venue.
Yes, we are lucky here.
We find we get a lot of our bookings
thanks to our close proximity
to the aforementioned Rugby Club.
- May I ask about avallabllity?
- Well, I'll have to look In my book.
- But when were you thinking?
- End of September.
Yes, well, I'm completely booked till 2009.
Do you Imagine you'll still be together then?
- So, what...what are you hoping to have?
- Wedding.
Oh, well, they have lots of those.
It doesn't always look this miserable,
so don't be put off.
Er...want to see the flle?
See what they can do?
How many?
Oh, would It be...be Uke a hundred
or something?
It's up to you. Only the more people In here,
the better, cos then you won't see the room.
Yeah, I will probably decorate,
and, um...have lghts.
Yes, right. There's amazing things
you can do with balloons.
- Shall I run through a few prices with you?
- OK.
Right. Well, now, the price of the room
Isn't too bad really. Just a hundred quid.
But It's the bits and bobs on top
that mount up.
Now, you've got to be thinking for a hundred
people, oh...£15 a head, food minimum.
And Includes glass of sparkling white wine
or choice of frult Juices on arrival
Yeah. Plus three can...canapes per guest,
spring rolls, satay chicken,
and minl filo tart.
Starched Unen napkins In the choice
of three colours, burgundy, Ulac or Ivory,
come In at £1.20 per head.
Those can be co-ordinated with your matching
seat cushion covers on the baslc dining chair
for an additional 55 pence per head.
Or your full Jacket with Velcro bow to rear.
Well, more for your relatives' side, really.
.Per head.
So total, and I've skimped on fancies,
Is 5,876.
Oh, and there's VAT on top. And that's
with pay bar but not Including staff.
I think...
I had better Just discuss It with my fiancé.
So It's good you want to get married soon,
cos after next week I'm not working here
and some other person's working here, not me,
so you're Uke really Lucky.
Where you're standing now,
where all the whitey weddingy dresses are,
that's Uke really expensive.
(Chuckles) So stop.
And that one you're wearing now
It's called Pre-dementia,
and It's Uke mid-range,
be about two and a half grand.
- That's Uke madness.
- I totally know.
I mean two grand.
- God, that's...that's ke a house.
- I know. It's madness.
Anyway, look, here's the thing.
I could pretend that I'm taking
the dress to the dry-cleaner's
and you could borrow It,
but you would have to have It back here
by six o'clock,
and Uke you could not drink
or Uke sweat In It or anything.
We could also do It Uke I pretend I'm getting
married, then we'd get a really bilg discount,
but I have already done that
for quite a few friends,
and they're beginning to get a bit funny.
Um...If you were gonna get a dress
from here, then, Uke, not that one,
because, to be honest,
and...and don't take this the wrong way,
but you look totally demented.
Yasmeen? Would you Just ask Tash
how her wedding plans are going?
- Right. Tash?
= Mm?
How are your wedding plans?
Yeah, great.
Just..
Getting my head around It
Me and your dad got married
In a registry office In Liverpool
A few friends. Back to his mum's
for tea and sandwiches.
Then off to Rhyl for a few days In my Minl.
Yeah, we've seen the pictures. Dad's trousers
were too short and Gran had a moustache.
- Yeah, not quite what I was thinking.
- No.
(Sighs) Oh, well
- Mum?
- Yes?
You know how people...
Uke, glve presents?
= Yes?
- Do you think they would give money?
Money?
Mm. And If you didn't glve us a present,
you could give money.
For the wedding?
- (PIng)
- Right.
Yasmeen, could you Just check
that the pizza's defrosted? Thank you.
How much money?
Well, for the one that I want,
7,869 pounds and 99p.
Right.
Can we talk about this later?
Girls are In the kitchen. Beer?
Cheers, yeah. Ralph's asleep.
Good.
Well, l...1 suppose I'd better
welcome you officially to the family.
Mm. Cool
I Just hope you Intend
to look after her properly.
Because If you think
you're gonna get away with treating her
ke all those other useless travellers
and the so-called Rufus did
then you'd better have another thing coming.
(Qulet chatter)
The drugs stop now. Is that understood?
The sleeping around stops now.
And remember, I'm your GP. I know everything.
There Is a child, my nephew, to think about.
And I expect you to take your responsibility
seriously or face the consequences.
So If...If you do a runner, or hurt Tash,
there...there'll be nowhere for you to hide.
L...1 will find you and I will hurt you.
Just...Just get It Into
whatever braln cell still exists
that I am a doctor,
I know how to save lives,
but I also know how to kilL
Pizzas!
Pizzas. Yum.
Are you all right?
It's Just so much money.
And people say they can do It
and...and that Is their Job,
and then they can't do It until next year so
why are they there at all If they can't do It?
And how long does It take to bake a cake?
And the thing Is, If we can't get married
In two weeks when we want,
we have to walt for Uke 200 years.
- I haven't got that kind of money, Tash.
- Oh, I know.
But I could have, because I've been thinking,
and I could sell the car,
cos I hardly ever use It,
and there's the premium bonds
which I can cash.
No, Mum.
I Just wanted to show you that I could do It
and that I am grown-up
and can do stuff.
Oh, Tash.
Tash, you are grown-up.
Do you know why I think
you're the most grown-up person I know?
No.
Because you know your own mind,
and not many people do.
But you are so different.
You know, most girls that I see when they're
getting married look about flve years old,
as If they're wearing
thelr mums' high heels and Upstick.
And It doesn't mean anything. It's wrong.
- Mum?
- Mm?
Would you...
(Chuckles) Yes.
= Yes, I'll help you.
- Would you Just do It?
(Chuckles)
But there's one thing you have to remember.
This Is really Important.
- OK.
- I don't Uke frult cake.
Col! Tum around and take me
on a tour of the river fields.
- Am I allowed to ask why?
- You are, and I shall tell you.
We have got a job.
Hey!
That's better.
(Chatter)
Well, I never married,
which I think Is for the best.
Yes.
I was married twice.
The first one was a moper. Had his nose
put out of joint when I had an affair.
Queenle.
- With the mald.
- Queenle!
Caking.
How many sausages for 100 people?
Fifteen up to there.
You know what John and I are rather Into
at the moment? Spit roast.
- Really?
- He and his friend Gerry do It. I love It
- Really?
- Yeah. Do you?
- No.
- I was going to Invite you over. Tum around.
That's the thing about a wedding.
It's Just a great party.
The problem with parties Is
that people forget to host them.
They get all the Ingredients
and expect It to Just happen.
Yes, and then get angry when It doesn't
It's Uke people get everything together for
a wonderful Ufe, and then forget to lve It
Waiting for the Joy that never happens.
- Oh!
- Oh, Rosle. Rosle darling.
Oh...!
Ooh!
(Grunts)
Wakey-wakey.
Come on.
Good morning.
Hey, this Is the last time
I'm gonna be able to to do this.
(Chuckles)
So please don't make comments
all through the ceremony or I will leave.
Could have made an effort.
Ah, so.
- What do we think?
- I can't think anything. I've been gagged.
Calm down.
Oh, Queenle, I do think we've done "em proud.
I love your lanterns.
- Trago Mils.
- Even so.
(Low chatter)
Hello. How are you?
Hello.
Ah, the legal requirements.
- Why do they always look Uke that?
- Stop It
Oh, Katle darling.
- You're looking lovely, sweetheart.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yes, you do.
- Oh, thank you.
T's nice to have an occasion .
- Are you hoping to catch the bouquet?
- Oh, no.
No, not at all
My God, Mum. Have they changed the music?
Do I look amazing? Are my wings straight?
Yes, they look flne.
- Have a look and check. Walt, walt!
- OK. Yes, you look beautiful
Sal? I Just want to be sure,
who Is the maln bridesmaid?
- You are.
- Yeah, ll am, I am. I am.
I would Uke to welcome you all
to the wedding of Natasha Jane Vine
and Samuel john Pike.
- Done It
- Cheers.
Samuel and Natasha
will now speak to each other
with words that they have written themselves.
Feastle joly edira IthylL
Tan yanaeae bellae gyasera.
Tosnoninaroc meleth.
Amivernae lssae.
Elvish,
Chaucer.
I say to you, my love,
In front of this gathered throng,
I give you my heart for safekeeping
untlL the moon and the stars should fallL
And we are bound together In love
by soft, silken, caterplllary threads,
here of our own free will together, but free.
(Applause)
(Chatter)
(Chatter)
Susle, I've only Just managed to get here.
I've been at the vet's all morning.
Dog's back end went.
- No!
- BIt Uke John's mother.
(Giggling)
# The Elfin Knight stands on yon hill
# Blowing his hom both loud and shrill
# He stands so proud and he stands so still
Blow, winds, blow...
Here, how do you know Elvish, then?
- Well, I am an elf, so...
- Course you are.
# Blow, winds, blow, my bonny o
# Blow, winds, blow, my bonny...
So that's new, right?
And that's blue. And all of It Is old.
And all of It Is borrowed,
apart from the boots, which are ancient.
So apart from the fire, I reckon
this whole thing Is totally carbon neutral
# My bonny o
# Blow, winds, blow...
- What's that?
- That's a hog.
Dead?
By now, yes.
# My bonny...
- oh
(Laughs)
- Mum, I love my wedding.
- Oh, darling.
I love you. You look lovely.
Qulet. Listen up, everybody.
Some speeches.
- Filrst of all, the mother of the bride.
- (Cheering)
- No, no, no. I don't make speeches.
- Go on.
Oh, God. Well, I Just love you both very much.
Oh, my goodness.
Right, well, now we'll have
a speech from the groom.
- Mm? Yeah?
- That's you, mate. That's you.
- You have got a speech?
- Speech?
- You are the groom.
- Er...yeah. Yeah. (Clears throat)
- Oh, my God. Are you gonna do a speech?
- Yeah, no, no, It's all right.
(Clears throat) Um...
I Just wanted to say thank you to everyone
who did all this and...and that.
And, er...looks bloody great!
(Laughter)
- And...and so does my wife.
- (Cheering)
Oh, well done, Splkey.
- Well done, mate.
- (Clears throat)
Oh, right. Um...another speech,
from the brother of the bride.
(Crowd oohs)
(Clears throat) Ladles and gentlemen,
um...falres, pixies, elves,
er..can I Just start by...by saying
what a wonderful occasion this has been,
um...two such unique people
In...In such a unique way.
Tash Is a very extraordinary person.
She Is brave and adventurous,
she...she stands out from the crowd.
And never more so than today.
L...I've never seen her looking more beautiful
And I know that my father
would have been the proudest man
If he were here today,
and so am 1.
I...I'm proud of my sister.
And Splke Is...Is a very, very, very...
very, very
lucky man.
Ladles and gentlemen, I glve you Tash.
# Standing so proud and he's standing so still
# Blow, winds, blow, my bonny o
# Blow, winds, blow, my bonny
# Blow, winds, blow, my bonny o
# Blow, winds, blow, my bonny
# Blow, winds, blow, my bonny o
# Blow, winds, blow, my bonny...
- Are you dancing? I'm asking.
- Mm. Oh.
Thank you so much
for everything that you've done.
I think your hard work's really pald off
cos I actually think I look amazing.
I actually think I look
Just Uke totally fantastic.
(Chatter)
(Cheering)
Oh! Be happy!
Tash, you know how I sald
I'd get you a cab to go away In?
- Well, I forgot.
- Oh.
Mm, so Instead,
1 got you this.
(Cheering)
- Oh, It's the old mobile Ubrary!
- Ah, and now It's her mobile home.
I wonder If they'll keep the shelves.
Off you go. Go travelling, the three of you.
# So come the storms of winter
# And then the birds In spring again
# I have no fear of time
# For who knows how my love grows?
# And who knows where the time... #
(Hums tune)
(Tash) Mum!
I'm drying my hair.
(Hairdryer on)
# We are the Village Green
Preservation Sodely
# God save Donald Duck,
vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties
# Preserving the old ways
from being abused
# Protecting the new ways
for me and for you... #