Clatterford (2006–2009): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript
The ladies of Clatterford Guild are to compete against a rival village, Hole, at netball, which Yasmeen has been teaching them, and bowls. They lose the netball game and almost win the bowls but Rosie gets them disqualified for indecent exposure. Tash has to choose between Marcus and Spike. She almost chooses Marcus but Spike's love poem wins her over and she agrees to marry him.
# We are the Village Green
Preservation Sodely
# God save Donald Duck,
vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties
# Preserving the old ways
from being abused
# Protecting the new ways
for me and for you
# What more can we do? #
(Distant mooing)
Your mother
thinks we should grow swedes.
And I will say that to her face.
- Hey, Mother.
= Hey.
- What are you doing?
= This.
Why?
Well, I'm going to play netball
with the Gulld, against Hole.
Slow bulld to the Olympics?
(Laughs) Yes.
Do you have to go, Uke...now?
I Just thought we could, Uke...hang.
Cos when I move In with Marcus
I'm not going to be around as much.
So, make the most of me.
= You're definitely doing It, then?
- Yeah. You know I am. I told you.
Does Marcus know?
I know It's, Uke, a really blg commitment.
I've been spending a lot of time there lately,
but actually moving In, you know,
that's going to be very different.
I know that.
- And Ralf?
- Yeah. Yeah, he's coming, too.
- I presumed he would be.
- Yeah. And erm, I have told him.
- And he's happy.
- Great. Good.
- Mum.
- Mm-hm?
- Before you go...
- Yup?
.WilLL you give me a hand
taking my dreads out?
- Why, have you got nits?
- No.
No, you always sald
that there would come a time and...
- But I love your dreads.
- You never sald that before.
I'm not doing It for Marcus,
If that's what you think.
Thank you.
- Stop It
- What?
You're looking for nits.
Well, I miss nits.
So, does Splke know
you're moving In with Marcus?
Nothing to do with him.
- I am keen on the pivoting.
- Well, I'm not sure I am.
- You have to have one foot on the floor...
- Come on, ladles. Upstairs.
(Giggles) Lovely. Yes.
(Giggles) Good morning, Vicar.
Looking forward to the match?
Well, a Uttle apprehensive, to be honest.
The last time I refereed a netball match
was when I was chaplain at Bruton Girls.
It was quite a long time ago.
Well, we're about to get
a few pointers In the modem game
from Yasmeen Vine,
If you're feeling rusty.
Best not. Wouldn't want my Impartiality
called Into question.
Understood, Vicar. Understood.
I'm off now.
= I say!
- Just stop It
Are the Muslim Nurses Association
aware of your uniform change?
This Is netball This Is serious.
I'm helping out your mum and her friends
In thelr Inter-Ladles' Gulld match.
And I'm the ringer,
which means I'm actually under
qulte a lot of pressure to perform.
Well, Just be careful
It's netball. It's rough.
No, I meant with the Gulld. I mean, one
minute you're helping out with the netball
and before you know It you've got
a grey, sensible haircut, drooping bosom
and a penchant for making
sock monkeys out of dog halr.
- Anything else?
- Well..
I suppose we all become
our parents eventually.
I Just never Imagined
that you would become my mother.
And so soon.
- Stlll, could be worse.
- How do you mean, exactly?
- Nothing. Good luck.
- Thanks.
But with my track record,
I think It's Hole that needs the luck.
= No, no. It's...land, step, plvot.
- Plvot. Pivot.
- Miss. Miss. Miss.
- What?
Can I Just ask...
That's not the actual slze of It, Is It?
- Oris it?
No. Because I was going to say,
we probably won't fit on that.
Are you OK? Everything all right at home?
Don't. I might cry.
Oh, Tlp.
Did I tell you
Tash Is moving In with Marcus?
No. No.
Now, don't get that look on your face.
- What look?
- Biscuit?
(Blasts whistle)
OK, right. Now, I've seen your match
record from last year. It's not pretty.
We are going to have to
tighten up our act this time
If we are going to make any kind of Impact.
Which Is why I'm focusing on the attack.
Right. So em...
who's going to play Goal Shooter?
- Susle?
- Actually, I normally play Centre.
- No, I play Centre.
- No. I play Centre.
- I play Centre.
- Cos you're too short to shoot?
No. Because I am the best.
I captain the team.
And the Gulld Sports Cup Is my thing.
My thing and I would Uke to win It! Win It!
Hole have been looking down thelr noses
at us ever since they got a Tesco Metro
and I've had enough of It! Enough!
Oh, shut up, shut up, you sllly Uttle woman!
- Oh, Margaret's out.
- WIUL you stop shouting?
- Come on, Rosle.
- You trumped up Uttle tart!
- (Sal) Everybody Just be qulet.
- Trumped up Uttle tart
- (Blows)
= }-)-)ust shut up, Margaret.
Yes, shut up, Margaret!
(Rosle) Oh, hello, Sal
- I'm not going to play.
- Oh, Rosle, you have to!
She doesn't have to If she doesn't want to.
No. And If you're going to play, I could
be the nurse, couldn't I? I'd Uke that
- You could be the nurse.
- No. Sal, no.
Susle, let's let Jasmine get on with the Job.
OK, so If we could Just look
at the whiteboard and famlllarise. Yeah?
Yep, so It's tactics.
You Just keep the ball moving
and If you get It, you pass It to me
as soon as possible.
So It's Uke that and then plvot, you see.
Dut dut pivot. Dut dut plvot.
- What's that...?
- Those are my legs.
Erm, those are your fingers.
(Chatting)
They're moving around a lot already.
OK, pay no attention.
They are Just trying to Intimidate us.
Just Ignore It
OK, let's stay positive.
- Sal!
- Mm? Oh, It's Just pre-match nerves.
Well, at least try and maintain
the Illusion of a team at Its prime.
(Blows)
- Here!
- No! Come on, take It!
- To me!
- Catch!
- Come on! What are you doing?
= Here.
- Come on! Oh!
- Ohh.
(Whistle)
Never mind, ladles.
They caught us off guard.
No, they didn't!
You were not paying attention.
Can we all please try and stay focused?
Focused!
- One, two...
- (Whistle)
- Yes! Come on!
- Come on! Me! Me! Me!
Glve It to me, Caroline! Pass It!
- Quickly! Quickly!
- (Whistle)
- Holding. Free pass to Hole.
- No way! Are you Joking?
The ball was held for over three seconds.
But are you counting,
"One hippopotamus. Two hippopotamus?”
- I am not debating the Issue.
- Nobody told me that.
- Free pass to Hole.
- Just pass It out there!
- (Whistle)
- Nobody told me...
- (Whistle)
- Oh, take It!
Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! Plvot!
(AL shouting)
- To me! To me! To me! To me!
- (Yelps)
- (Whistle)
- What?
- Penalty pass.
- Oh, come on, ref, she dived!
- Susle! Susle, you pushed her.
- Ooh! Is there an Injury?
I got everything you need. I got nall
scissors, I got breath mints, got floss.
Oh, It's a mald from the other team.
I'm not bothering with that.
- You all right, Susle?
- Breath mint would be nice.
Now, Susle, play nicely.
- I am so sorry.
- (Whistle)
- Here! No, no!
- Come on, take It, take It!
- To me!
- Come on!
Come... What are you dolng?
Come on... Oh!
- For God's sake!
- Goal!
- (Whistle)
- Which team are we? Red or white?
Oh, no. Boo! It's not for us at all
To me!
- Ow!
- Back to me!
Pass It! Pass It! Pass It!
- Stop picking on me!
- Shoot!
- Pass It!
- Pivot! Pivot!
"Plvot~? Ing "p say
- WILW you s_togorry
(Whistle)
- Well done.
- Boo!
Thank God for that.
- Post-match tea In the pub, ladles.
- I hear that, but I won't be drinking tea.
I never even touched the ball
It didn't come near me.
- Ohh...
- See you In the pub, ladles.
Shame, Isn't It?
= Hey.
Oh. Hey.
- Oh.
- What do you think?
Yeah, It's lovely.
- Better?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Listen, you know how we sald
we couldn't really Uve at the kennels?
Oh, and I want to start thinking about
getting my own place.
- So you can, Uke, get on the ladder?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Well, they got some low-cost down at
Marshfleld's. I was going to go have a look.
My firm supplied the windows
so they will be, Uke, really low-cost.
- Right. So...do you want to come with me?
- Yeah. I wilL
Cos...we'd...we'd both be In It
Yeah.
You're looking really pretty.
What you doing now?
I am supposed to be, lke,
looking for the tortoise.
Right.
I never even touched the ball Not once.
I think the maln problem... I'm not 1009%
sure, but I think It was cos we was rubbish.
- My knees were clicking.
- You're not on your own, Eileen.
Al through the match I thought
I could hear the sound of castanets.
Look, It's a testament
to glucosamine and cod Lver oll
that most of us
made It onto the court at all
Look at them gloating.
Can't trust them from Hole.
My mother always used to say them from
Hole would steal the teeth from your head
and come back for the gums.
(Crows cawing)
Are you all right?
Oh. Yeah, am I allowed to slt here?
Yes. Flne. I mean, they're all dead.
Probably glad of the company.
Can I...help at all?
Yeah, I'm trying to write something.
- Someone special?
- Yeah.
- Can't think of the words?
- No.
My heart Is full but I can't..spill It out.
Yes, well, heart-to-hand co-ordination
can be very difficult.
Yeah.
I shouldn't really say this,
but you could always use
the words of the heart of another,
a more...slightly more Uterary soul
But how will she know It's from me?
Sign It with your name.
Oh, right. Yeah, I Uke It. Yeah.
- So...who?
- Well, erm...
So many.
There's erm, the Bard, for example.
Right. Or Coleridge or...
Browning, possibly?
Or...or how...how about this?
Oh, blissful light of which the bemes clere
Adometh all the thridde hevens falre!
O sonnes lef, O loves doughter dere
Plesaunce of love
0...goodly debonaire.
Cool.
- Elvish.
- No, It..was actually Chaucer.
It's probably not appropriate
for what you want but It's Just a thought.
No. Thanks, Vic.
Right. Pleasure.
OK, well...clear up the beer can,
If you wouldn't mind.
OK. Em...
- Right, I'd better get off to work.
- Are you still selling those new houses?
- Yes. It's fantastic.
- Them Lttle, tiny ones?
- Starter homes.
- Yeah. I've been to look at them.
Er...no, you haven't
Yeah, I have. Down the town hall
They're all spread out on a desk.
Little, Uke that, aren't they?
I went to put my hand In.
It's not a blg hand.
- I couldn't even get It through the door!
- No.
Yeah. That Uttle, they are. How are
you going to get a human In there?
I think they've bullt them bigger now,
Rosle.
Have they? That's good.
- Are you sellng many?
- No. But I love them.
Might as well give them
the Sports Cup now.
- We're never going to win at bowls.
- Oh, Eileen.
Well, Queenle's out of action
and Rosie's on permanent suspension
for conduct Infringement.
I suppose I could have a word with Tim
about that.
Then have a word with him.
What could be so bad to do
In the world of bowls?
You'd be surprised, Tip.
Word out of place, skirt too short.
Introduction of moles to an otherwise
perfectly manicured green...Rosle.
I shouldn't have done that. Apparently.
We are not giving In. I'll play.
- Sal?
- OK.
# Come lve by the great moon
# That rules the strong tide... #
(Spike) Climb upon my horse, love,
and be my sweet bride.
Meet me by the twisty tree at five o'dock
or I shall be gone wandering.
You can always come and stay here,
you know, If It's that bad.
Nah. Colin's sleeping
In the caravan, anyway.
- Would you Uke a drink?
- Of course I'd Uke a drink.
No, no. Even I, with my capacity,
never touch It before 1.
- 1?
- Well, 10, but that's only If I'm outside.
I want to cheer you up.
- I know.
- (Knock on door)
- Yep?
- Oh. All right. Got something for Tash.
- She's not here. Shall I take it?
- No, no, needs signing for.
- Where's Tash?
- She's at her boyfriend's, at the kennels.
(Door closes)
(Shrieks) Oh, my God!
(Laughs hysterically)
Hey, It's not that funny.
- Is t?
- Oh, my God!
Shut up!
It's not for you. It's er...for Tash.
= I'll take It
- No. Needs signing.
- Tash.
- (Dogs barking)
Erm...It's for you.
From me. Em...
Read It
Erm, before five o'clock.
- Flve minutes, Eileen.
- Thank you, Tim.
- Where's the Bales woman?
- She will be here.
- If there's any trouble...
- Right, Tim.
And I hope you'll be this tough on Hole.
Now, lady watchers,
keep yourselves discreet.
Tip, no whistling.
Keep yourself off the green.
And, Sal, no fag-ends In the ditch, dear.
- And no swearing and no high-fives.
- Oh, Christ allve.
(Sal) Oh, Rosle, you look the business!
- Oh, darling!
- Yeah, bring It on.
I'm clean, Eileen. No cheese.
And no moles, either.
(Laughing) Rosle, you wouldn't...
Well, maybe Just a quick one.
- (Laughs)
- Lovely. Lovely.
- No, darling, you look Ideal
- Yeah. It's Queenle's old skirt.
I've taken the top out
but the bottom's a bit tight.
- Still, no gaping buttons, no panty-Lne.
= Marvellous.
Now gather, ladles, please.
So, what are we dolng, Eileen? Fours?
You don't even know
what that question means, do you?
No, but I heard someone say It In there
so I'm Just trying to blend.
Well done, Sal
You Just keep an eye on Rosle and me.
It'lL all become clear. You'll be fine.
Now, of course, I shall be lead.
Rosle, of course, will be skip.
Sal, second. Susle, third.
Spectators, please stand well back.
No wandering around the head.
And stiliness at all times.
This way.
Ooh, I can't...
HI, Marcus! HI, Tash!
Welcome to Marshfleld Homes!
Would you Uke to come through?
- Straight through Into the hallway.
- Thank you.
Here we are!
Right.
Lovely UVPVC door there.
Oh, and before we start, Just to say
all the windows
are fully double-glazed In UVPVC.
And... Which Is also very good
for the carbon footprint.
And they also come with
the option of mock leading, If deslired.
Downstairs cloakroom to the right.
- Oh, sorry, Tash!
- Very nice.
Right. And If you'd Just Uke to follow me
through to the lounge.
Here we are, straight through to the lounge
through the feature arch there.
Lovely, clear aspect to the rear.
Perfect for standing your bins In.
- Oh, good God alml - Yes! !
What? Did I do something wrong?
Isn't that the alm?
Sal, no, that's flne. It's Just next time,
with the ball a Uttle Ughter touch.
In fact, very, very, very lUght touch.
Just a metre and a half would be fine.
Try to keep away from the bowl, you know.
In fact, Just alm for the dltch
and that'll be Ideal
- (Slghs)
- OK. Got you.
Another really great thing about this space
Is If you're entertaining,
say you've got a couple from next door
round for spag bol or something Uke that,
you can stilL..
You can...still cook
and be part of the action
because the kitchen Is really, really close.
So, If you'd Uke to go through.
Yes? After you.
You go In there on the right
and Il squash In on the left. (Giggles)
Right, that's It, lovely.
OK...
Lovely, Isn't It?
Fully fitted with comer units,
bullt-In chopping board.
Walnut-effect worktops.
And ltallan-style,
ceramic...tile-effect backsplash.
Splashback.
It's got all your mod cons. Er, got your
washing machine, your fridge-freezer,
your microwave oven.
I know what you're thinking.
And yes, the oven and the hob
are Included In the sale.
Right, onwards and upwards
to the bedrooms!
(Laughs) Right...
# "1 bid you good morning”
this young man did say
# “Where might you be going
on such a nice day?"
# “I'm walking to view, sir,
the bonny blue sea
2 “For It's all 1 have left now
# “That means much to me” #
Oh, so this Is the master bedroom,
which obviously fits a queen-size bed In.
So, If you'd Uke to follow me
to the bathroom.
That's It
Right. There we are.
- Oh!
You all right there, Tash? Sorry, Marcus,
If you Just shut that door. Sorry. Yeah.
Shut that. Tash, If you shut that door.
That's right.
Marcus, If you go In
and then shut that door and then...
Actually, you'd never normally get more
than two adults up here at the same time.
(Giggles) Anyway, onto bedroom two.
Or, as I Uke to call It, the nursery.
Do I hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet?
No, It must be mice.
Oh, I can't get down
- cos of this bloody ruddy skirt!
- No swearing, Rosle.
First warning.
Any more Infringements and she's off.
Rosle, are you sure
you haven't got your skirt on upside-down?
- Have 1?7
- Too late now. It's stretched to buggery.
- Why don't you hitch It up a Uttle bit?
= No, no, no legs to be seen.
Just do your best, darling.
- Ooh, l... Oh... (Exclaims angrily)
- Shh!
So, how do they score this? Do you know?
Well, If you're allve at the end of the match
you get ten points.
If not, they plant a rose
or glve you a bench.
- The whole place Is a cemetery, really.
- Mm.
- Even the toilet seat Is "In memory of...”
- I noticed, yes.
So, down to the nitty-gritty.
Do you have a mortgage-provider In place?
= Em...
- Don't worry If not.
Because at Marshfleld we have a totally
Independent boney-fldo mortgage specialist
In sltu, In Stevenage, called Darren,
who can offer you a range of mortgage
options on and off the high street.
(Spike) Meet me by the twisly tree
at five o'dock
or I shall be gone wandering.
Do you need to go after her?
Er, no. I'L let her go.
- Oh, Just throw It!
- Shh-shh!
(Tim) No moving. Please!
Rosle, If we are going to play,
we are going to play fair.
Mum! Mum!
What? Tash, here! Here. Here.
What Is It? What's happened?
The twisty tree, the twisty tree,
where Is It?
- What?
- There.
Where Is [t? Where Is It, Mum?
Oh, Splke. Spike.
- Well.. Oh, my godfather clock.
- Where Is It?
I don't know, I don't know. The twisty tree?
- Twisty tree?
- Come on, think. Think, old person.
That's the tree past Old Man's Finger.
- The twisty tree Is up next to Jethro's.
- No, no. Hang on.
I remember Colln talking about It
It's In the dell behind the graveyard.
- Yes!
- It's Jed Tate's fallow fleld.
Yes! Yes, It Is. Quick. Go.
Go! Go! Go.
- It Is on the hilL
- Hurry.
(Tash) Thank you!
God...
Sorry.
(Panting)
- I thought you'd gone.
- No.
So, kind lady...
will you be my sweet bride?
1 will, falr sir.
If we get this, we win the match.
Rosle, It's all down to you, darling. I want
you to relax, give It a nice, wide bend.
- Good luck.
- Come on. Concentrate.
- Go on, Rosle.
- Come on.
It's no good, I've got to hitch It up.
- That's better.
- (AL gasp)
- (Eileen) Rosle!
- What?
What?
- Never have I seen the lke.
- What?
The look on thelr faces.
Well, at least Hole only won cos of
our misconduct, not cos of thelr merits.
I don't know why I was squalified.
The rule says no panty-Lne.
Yes, love, but I do think they expect pants.
(Laughter)
- I would have waited a long time.
- How long?
Well, I don't know. I haven't got a watch.
# Come lve by the great moon
# That rules the strong tide
# Climb up on my horse, love
# And be my sweet bride
# Come lve by the great moon
# That rules the strong tide
# Climb up on my horse, love
# And be my sweet bride #
Preservation Sodely
# God save Donald Duck,
vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appredation Sodely
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties
# Preserving the old ways
from being abused
# Protecting the new ways
for me and for you
# What more can we do? #
(Distant mooing)
Your mother
thinks we should grow swedes.
And I will say that to her face.
- Hey, Mother.
= Hey.
- What are you doing?
= This.
Why?
Well, I'm going to play netball
with the Gulld, against Hole.
Slow bulld to the Olympics?
(Laughs) Yes.
Do you have to go, Uke...now?
I Just thought we could, Uke...hang.
Cos when I move In with Marcus
I'm not going to be around as much.
So, make the most of me.
= You're definitely doing It, then?
- Yeah. You know I am. I told you.
Does Marcus know?
I know It's, Uke, a really blg commitment.
I've been spending a lot of time there lately,
but actually moving In, you know,
that's going to be very different.
I know that.
- And Ralf?
- Yeah. Yeah, he's coming, too.
- I presumed he would be.
- Yeah. And erm, I have told him.
- And he's happy.
- Great. Good.
- Mum.
- Mm-hm?
- Before you go...
- Yup?
.WilLL you give me a hand
taking my dreads out?
- Why, have you got nits?
- No.
No, you always sald
that there would come a time and...
- But I love your dreads.
- You never sald that before.
I'm not doing It for Marcus,
If that's what you think.
Thank you.
- Stop It
- What?
You're looking for nits.
Well, I miss nits.
So, does Splke know
you're moving In with Marcus?
Nothing to do with him.
- I am keen on the pivoting.
- Well, I'm not sure I am.
- You have to have one foot on the floor...
- Come on, ladles. Upstairs.
(Giggles) Lovely. Yes.
(Giggles) Good morning, Vicar.
Looking forward to the match?
Well, a Uttle apprehensive, to be honest.
The last time I refereed a netball match
was when I was chaplain at Bruton Girls.
It was quite a long time ago.
Well, we're about to get
a few pointers In the modem game
from Yasmeen Vine,
If you're feeling rusty.
Best not. Wouldn't want my Impartiality
called Into question.
Understood, Vicar. Understood.
I'm off now.
= I say!
- Just stop It
Are the Muslim Nurses Association
aware of your uniform change?
This Is netball This Is serious.
I'm helping out your mum and her friends
In thelr Inter-Ladles' Gulld match.
And I'm the ringer,
which means I'm actually under
qulte a lot of pressure to perform.
Well, Just be careful
It's netball. It's rough.
No, I meant with the Gulld. I mean, one
minute you're helping out with the netball
and before you know It you've got
a grey, sensible haircut, drooping bosom
and a penchant for making
sock monkeys out of dog halr.
- Anything else?
- Well..
I suppose we all become
our parents eventually.
I Just never Imagined
that you would become my mother.
And so soon.
- Stlll, could be worse.
- How do you mean, exactly?
- Nothing. Good luck.
- Thanks.
But with my track record,
I think It's Hole that needs the luck.
= No, no. It's...land, step, plvot.
- Plvot. Pivot.
- Miss. Miss. Miss.
- What?
Can I Just ask...
That's not the actual slze of It, Is It?
- Oris it?
No. Because I was going to say,
we probably won't fit on that.
Are you OK? Everything all right at home?
Don't. I might cry.
Oh, Tlp.
Did I tell you
Tash Is moving In with Marcus?
No. No.
Now, don't get that look on your face.
- What look?
- Biscuit?
(Blasts whistle)
OK, right. Now, I've seen your match
record from last year. It's not pretty.
We are going to have to
tighten up our act this time
If we are going to make any kind of Impact.
Which Is why I'm focusing on the attack.
Right. So em...
who's going to play Goal Shooter?
- Susle?
- Actually, I normally play Centre.
- No, I play Centre.
- No. I play Centre.
- I play Centre.
- Cos you're too short to shoot?
No. Because I am the best.
I captain the team.
And the Gulld Sports Cup Is my thing.
My thing and I would Uke to win It! Win It!
Hole have been looking down thelr noses
at us ever since they got a Tesco Metro
and I've had enough of It! Enough!
Oh, shut up, shut up, you sllly Uttle woman!
- Oh, Margaret's out.
- WIUL you stop shouting?
- Come on, Rosle.
- You trumped up Uttle tart!
- (Sal) Everybody Just be qulet.
- Trumped up Uttle tart
- (Blows)
= }-)-)ust shut up, Margaret.
Yes, shut up, Margaret!
(Rosle) Oh, hello, Sal
- I'm not going to play.
- Oh, Rosle, you have to!
She doesn't have to If she doesn't want to.
No. And If you're going to play, I could
be the nurse, couldn't I? I'd Uke that
- You could be the nurse.
- No. Sal, no.
Susle, let's let Jasmine get on with the Job.
OK, so If we could Just look
at the whiteboard and famlllarise. Yeah?
Yep, so It's tactics.
You Just keep the ball moving
and If you get It, you pass It to me
as soon as possible.
So It's Uke that and then plvot, you see.
Dut dut pivot. Dut dut plvot.
- What's that...?
- Those are my legs.
Erm, those are your fingers.
(Chatting)
They're moving around a lot already.
OK, pay no attention.
They are Just trying to Intimidate us.
Just Ignore It
OK, let's stay positive.
- Sal!
- Mm? Oh, It's Just pre-match nerves.
Well, at least try and maintain
the Illusion of a team at Its prime.
(Blows)
- Here!
- No! Come on, take It!
- To me!
- Catch!
- Come on! What are you doing?
= Here.
- Come on! Oh!
- Ohh.
(Whistle)
Never mind, ladles.
They caught us off guard.
No, they didn't!
You were not paying attention.
Can we all please try and stay focused?
Focused!
- One, two...
- (Whistle)
- Yes! Come on!
- Come on! Me! Me! Me!
Glve It to me, Caroline! Pass It!
- Quickly! Quickly!
- (Whistle)
- Holding. Free pass to Hole.
- No way! Are you Joking?
The ball was held for over three seconds.
But are you counting,
"One hippopotamus. Two hippopotamus?”
- I am not debating the Issue.
- Nobody told me that.
- Free pass to Hole.
- Just pass It out there!
- (Whistle)
- Nobody told me...
- (Whistle)
- Oh, take It!
Pivot! Pivot! Pivot! Plvot!
(AL shouting)
- To me! To me! To me! To me!
- (Yelps)
- (Whistle)
- What?
- Penalty pass.
- Oh, come on, ref, she dived!
- Susle! Susle, you pushed her.
- Ooh! Is there an Injury?
I got everything you need. I got nall
scissors, I got breath mints, got floss.
Oh, It's a mald from the other team.
I'm not bothering with that.
- You all right, Susle?
- Breath mint would be nice.
Now, Susle, play nicely.
- I am so sorry.
- (Whistle)
- Here! No, no!
- Come on, take It, take It!
- To me!
- Come on!
Come... What are you dolng?
Come on... Oh!
- For God's sake!
- Goal!
- (Whistle)
- Which team are we? Red or white?
Oh, no. Boo! It's not for us at all
To me!
- Ow!
- Back to me!
Pass It! Pass It! Pass It!
- Stop picking on me!
- Shoot!
- Pass It!
- Pivot! Pivot!
"Plvot~? Ing "p say
- WILW you s_togorry
(Whistle)
- Well done.
- Boo!
Thank God for that.
- Post-match tea In the pub, ladles.
- I hear that, but I won't be drinking tea.
I never even touched the ball
It didn't come near me.
- Ohh...
- See you In the pub, ladles.
Shame, Isn't It?
= Hey.
Oh. Hey.
- Oh.
- What do you think?
Yeah, It's lovely.
- Better?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Listen, you know how we sald
we couldn't really Uve at the kennels?
Oh, and I want to start thinking about
getting my own place.
- So you can, Uke, get on the ladder?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Well, they got some low-cost down at
Marshfleld's. I was going to go have a look.
My firm supplied the windows
so they will be, Uke, really low-cost.
- Right. So...do you want to come with me?
- Yeah. I wilL
Cos...we'd...we'd both be In It
Yeah.
You're looking really pretty.
What you doing now?
I am supposed to be, lke,
looking for the tortoise.
Right.
I never even touched the ball Not once.
I think the maln problem... I'm not 1009%
sure, but I think It was cos we was rubbish.
- My knees were clicking.
- You're not on your own, Eileen.
Al through the match I thought
I could hear the sound of castanets.
Look, It's a testament
to glucosamine and cod Lver oll
that most of us
made It onto the court at all
Look at them gloating.
Can't trust them from Hole.
My mother always used to say them from
Hole would steal the teeth from your head
and come back for the gums.
(Crows cawing)
Are you all right?
Oh. Yeah, am I allowed to slt here?
Yes. Flne. I mean, they're all dead.
Probably glad of the company.
Can I...help at all?
Yeah, I'm trying to write something.
- Someone special?
- Yeah.
- Can't think of the words?
- No.
My heart Is full but I can't..spill It out.
Yes, well, heart-to-hand co-ordination
can be very difficult.
Yeah.
I shouldn't really say this,
but you could always use
the words of the heart of another,
a more...slightly more Uterary soul
But how will she know It's from me?
Sign It with your name.
Oh, right. Yeah, I Uke It. Yeah.
- So...who?
- Well, erm...
So many.
There's erm, the Bard, for example.
Right. Or Coleridge or...
Browning, possibly?
Or...or how...how about this?
Oh, blissful light of which the bemes clere
Adometh all the thridde hevens falre!
O sonnes lef, O loves doughter dere
Plesaunce of love
0...goodly debonaire.
Cool.
- Elvish.
- No, It..was actually Chaucer.
It's probably not appropriate
for what you want but It's Just a thought.
No. Thanks, Vic.
Right. Pleasure.
OK, well...clear up the beer can,
If you wouldn't mind.
OK. Em...
- Right, I'd better get off to work.
- Are you still selling those new houses?
- Yes. It's fantastic.
- Them Lttle, tiny ones?
- Starter homes.
- Yeah. I've been to look at them.
Er...no, you haven't
Yeah, I have. Down the town hall
They're all spread out on a desk.
Little, Uke that, aren't they?
I went to put my hand In.
It's not a blg hand.
- I couldn't even get It through the door!
- No.
Yeah. That Uttle, they are. How are
you going to get a human In there?
I think they've bullt them bigger now,
Rosle.
Have they? That's good.
- Are you sellng many?
- No. But I love them.
Might as well give them
the Sports Cup now.
- We're never going to win at bowls.
- Oh, Eileen.
Well, Queenle's out of action
and Rosie's on permanent suspension
for conduct Infringement.
I suppose I could have a word with Tim
about that.
Then have a word with him.
What could be so bad to do
In the world of bowls?
You'd be surprised, Tip.
Word out of place, skirt too short.
Introduction of moles to an otherwise
perfectly manicured green...Rosle.
I shouldn't have done that. Apparently.
We are not giving In. I'll play.
- Sal?
- OK.
# Come lve by the great moon
# That rules the strong tide... #
(Spike) Climb upon my horse, love,
and be my sweet bride.
Meet me by the twisty tree at five o'dock
or I shall be gone wandering.
You can always come and stay here,
you know, If It's that bad.
Nah. Colin's sleeping
In the caravan, anyway.
- Would you Uke a drink?
- Of course I'd Uke a drink.
No, no. Even I, with my capacity,
never touch It before 1.
- 1?
- Well, 10, but that's only If I'm outside.
I want to cheer you up.
- I know.
- (Knock on door)
- Yep?
- Oh. All right. Got something for Tash.
- She's not here. Shall I take it?
- No, no, needs signing for.
- Where's Tash?
- She's at her boyfriend's, at the kennels.
(Door closes)
(Shrieks) Oh, my God!
(Laughs hysterically)
Hey, It's not that funny.
- Is t?
- Oh, my God!
Shut up!
It's not for you. It's er...for Tash.
= I'll take It
- No. Needs signing.
- Tash.
- (Dogs barking)
Erm...It's for you.
From me. Em...
Read It
Erm, before five o'clock.
- Flve minutes, Eileen.
- Thank you, Tim.
- Where's the Bales woman?
- She will be here.
- If there's any trouble...
- Right, Tim.
And I hope you'll be this tough on Hole.
Now, lady watchers,
keep yourselves discreet.
Tip, no whistling.
Keep yourself off the green.
And, Sal, no fag-ends In the ditch, dear.
- And no swearing and no high-fives.
- Oh, Christ allve.
(Sal) Oh, Rosle, you look the business!
- Oh, darling!
- Yeah, bring It on.
I'm clean, Eileen. No cheese.
And no moles, either.
(Laughing) Rosle, you wouldn't...
Well, maybe Just a quick one.
- (Laughs)
- Lovely. Lovely.
- No, darling, you look Ideal
- Yeah. It's Queenle's old skirt.
I've taken the top out
but the bottom's a bit tight.
- Still, no gaping buttons, no panty-Lne.
= Marvellous.
Now gather, ladles, please.
So, what are we dolng, Eileen? Fours?
You don't even know
what that question means, do you?
No, but I heard someone say It In there
so I'm Just trying to blend.
Well done, Sal
You Just keep an eye on Rosle and me.
It'lL all become clear. You'll be fine.
Now, of course, I shall be lead.
Rosle, of course, will be skip.
Sal, second. Susle, third.
Spectators, please stand well back.
No wandering around the head.
And stiliness at all times.
This way.
Ooh, I can't...
HI, Marcus! HI, Tash!
Welcome to Marshfleld Homes!
Would you Uke to come through?
- Straight through Into the hallway.
- Thank you.
Here we are!
Right.
Lovely UVPVC door there.
Oh, and before we start, Just to say
all the windows
are fully double-glazed In UVPVC.
And... Which Is also very good
for the carbon footprint.
And they also come with
the option of mock leading, If deslired.
Downstairs cloakroom to the right.
- Oh, sorry, Tash!
- Very nice.
Right. And If you'd Just Uke to follow me
through to the lounge.
Here we are, straight through to the lounge
through the feature arch there.
Lovely, clear aspect to the rear.
Perfect for standing your bins In.
- Oh, good God alml - Yes! !
What? Did I do something wrong?
Isn't that the alm?
Sal, no, that's flne. It's Just next time,
with the ball a Uttle Ughter touch.
In fact, very, very, very lUght touch.
Just a metre and a half would be fine.
Try to keep away from the bowl, you know.
In fact, Just alm for the dltch
and that'll be Ideal
- (Slghs)
- OK. Got you.
Another really great thing about this space
Is If you're entertaining,
say you've got a couple from next door
round for spag bol or something Uke that,
you can stilL..
You can...still cook
and be part of the action
because the kitchen Is really, really close.
So, If you'd Uke to go through.
Yes? After you.
You go In there on the right
and Il squash In on the left. (Giggles)
Right, that's It, lovely.
OK...
Lovely, Isn't It?
Fully fitted with comer units,
bullt-In chopping board.
Walnut-effect worktops.
And ltallan-style,
ceramic...tile-effect backsplash.
Splashback.
It's got all your mod cons. Er, got your
washing machine, your fridge-freezer,
your microwave oven.
I know what you're thinking.
And yes, the oven and the hob
are Included In the sale.
Right, onwards and upwards
to the bedrooms!
(Laughs) Right...
# "1 bid you good morning”
this young man did say
# “Where might you be going
on such a nice day?"
# “I'm walking to view, sir,
the bonny blue sea
2 “For It's all 1 have left now
# “That means much to me” #
Oh, so this Is the master bedroom,
which obviously fits a queen-size bed In.
So, If you'd Uke to follow me
to the bathroom.
That's It
Right. There we are.
- Oh!
You all right there, Tash? Sorry, Marcus,
If you Just shut that door. Sorry. Yeah.
Shut that. Tash, If you shut that door.
That's right.
Marcus, If you go In
and then shut that door and then...
Actually, you'd never normally get more
than two adults up here at the same time.
(Giggles) Anyway, onto bedroom two.
Or, as I Uke to call It, the nursery.
Do I hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet?
No, It must be mice.
Oh, I can't get down
- cos of this bloody ruddy skirt!
- No swearing, Rosle.
First warning.
Any more Infringements and she's off.
Rosle, are you sure
you haven't got your skirt on upside-down?
- Have 1?7
- Too late now. It's stretched to buggery.
- Why don't you hitch It up a Uttle bit?
= No, no, no legs to be seen.
Just do your best, darling.
- Ooh, l... Oh... (Exclaims angrily)
- Shh!
So, how do they score this? Do you know?
Well, If you're allve at the end of the match
you get ten points.
If not, they plant a rose
or glve you a bench.
- The whole place Is a cemetery, really.
- Mm.
- Even the toilet seat Is "In memory of...”
- I noticed, yes.
So, down to the nitty-gritty.
Do you have a mortgage-provider In place?
= Em...
- Don't worry If not.
Because at Marshfleld we have a totally
Independent boney-fldo mortgage specialist
In sltu, In Stevenage, called Darren,
who can offer you a range of mortgage
options on and off the high street.
(Spike) Meet me by the twisly tree
at five o'dock
or I shall be gone wandering.
Do you need to go after her?
Er, no. I'L let her go.
- Oh, Just throw It!
- Shh-shh!
(Tim) No moving. Please!
Rosle, If we are going to play,
we are going to play fair.
Mum! Mum!
What? Tash, here! Here. Here.
What Is It? What's happened?
The twisty tree, the twisty tree,
where Is It?
- What?
- There.
Where Is [t? Where Is It, Mum?
Oh, Splke. Spike.
- Well.. Oh, my godfather clock.
- Where Is It?
I don't know, I don't know. The twisty tree?
- Twisty tree?
- Come on, think. Think, old person.
That's the tree past Old Man's Finger.
- The twisty tree Is up next to Jethro's.
- No, no. Hang on.
I remember Colln talking about It
It's In the dell behind the graveyard.
- Yes!
- It's Jed Tate's fallow fleld.
Yes! Yes, It Is. Quick. Go.
Go! Go! Go.
- It Is on the hilL
- Hurry.
(Tash) Thank you!
God...
Sorry.
(Panting)
- I thought you'd gone.
- No.
So, kind lady...
will you be my sweet bride?
1 will, falr sir.
If we get this, we win the match.
Rosle, It's all down to you, darling. I want
you to relax, give It a nice, wide bend.
- Good luck.
- Come on. Concentrate.
- Go on, Rosle.
- Come on.
It's no good, I've got to hitch It up.
- That's better.
- (AL gasp)
- (Eileen) Rosle!
- What?
What?
- Never have I seen the lke.
- What?
The look on thelr faces.
Well, at least Hole only won cos of
our misconduct, not cos of thelr merits.
I don't know why I was squalified.
The rule says no panty-Lne.
Yes, love, but I do think they expect pants.
(Laughter)
- I would have waited a long time.
- How long?
Well, I don't know. I haven't got a watch.
# Come lve by the great moon
# That rules the strong tide
# Climb up on my horse, love
# And be my sweet bride
# Come lve by the great moon
# That rules the strong tide
# Climb up on my horse, love
# And be my sweet bride #