Clatterford (2006–2009): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
The women want to hold regular meetings in the church hall but the vicar is not enthusiastic as he believes that the hall is not covered for any accidents so Eileen organizes a Bring and Buy Sale in order to raise the funds to cover the Health and Safety regulations.
# We are the Village Green
Preservation Society
# God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appreciation Society
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties... #
(# Tuneless organ, chaotic singing
of Lord Of All Hopefulness)
# ..of the day #
(Hymn ends)
# Lord of all.. #
Let us...
B - pray!
(Baby crying)
Goodbye!
Right.
When we're quite ready.
Yes.
O highest and glorious God,
grant me faith,
firm hope...
- (Baby crying)
- ..perfect charity...
Take it out, please.
Ohh.
- Profound humility...
- (Baby crying)
I'm not going on
until you take it out.
- (Woman) Come back in when he's finished.
- Thank you.
(Tim Wonnacott) So, take the leather sleeve off,
what are we left with?
We're left with this section,
a leather-covered handle...
(Knock on door)
Who's that?
Hello, Sal!
Bloody hell.
Go away.
Are you there?
- Oh, God!
- Hello! (Tapping on window)
Sal, are you there?
Oh, shit.
God.
(Sighs)
Oh.
Mmm.
Oh! Ooh!
Are we over the yardarm?
I am reminded of the words
of a rather good friend of mine,
Alan Titchmarsh...
She's there with all her medals
all over her bosoms there.
- Right.
- Not medals, Rosie. Now shush.
(Vicar) ..next to my home in Hampshire...
(Whispering) What is it, then?
Is it armor?
It's regalia, Rosie. It's official Guild regalia.
Right.
It's lovely, innit?
Did you make it?
- Yes, actually, I did.
- Did you?
(Vicar) .to ensure we pass on...
Why you wearing it in here today?
Is it for Jesus?
(Vicar) ..generations. Similarly...
It's just sometimes I forget
I've got it on.
(Vicar) ..the faith that was planted
and nurtured by...
Sorry, we're late.
Colin had some mastitis.
It's all right.
Kate's been keeping me company.
Chatting, for a whole hour,
then I got dressed.
Ahh, that's OK.
Oh, lovely! Where are you off to?
The pub. Do you want to come?
No. No. I have got other people to see.
- Ooh, running a bit late now.
- All right.
I'll pop in for a drink or whatever later.
- OK, yes.
- Yes? All right. I'll see ya.
- Bye, Kate!
- Bye-bye.
Please go!
Ooh, God, that woman!
I was gonna start clearing out Mike's things
and then she tips up.
- (Colin) Stars or Fountain?
- Oh, Fountain!
Tash has started working there.
- Tash?
- Yes!
- Working?
- Yes!
- Well, that's a first.
- Yes, so don't say anything.
- Do you want another drink?
- No.
Drink it down quickly and we'll have
another drink. Put it on my tab.
Ah, we're running out of glasses.
- (Colin) Usual?
- Yes, please.
Ooh, this'll do us grand.
- Mighty.
- I can't see her anywhere.
- There she is.
- Ooh!
Hello, how's it going?
Not now, Mum. I'm like working.
So just sit down and chill.
God! I thought Sunday was meant
to be like a day of rest, not day of slavery.
- Well, let me help you.
- No, it's all right. Thank you.
God! The amount of meat
I'm expected to be in the vicinity of
- is like really twisting my melon.
- But, darling, you're doing brilliantly.
Look what you just made me do!
Can you just like go away and sit down?
- Come on.
- I'm going. God!
Goodbye!
Right.
And who's picking up Delilah's tab?
Right, I publish
the banns of marriage between
Emma Hurston, never met her,
and Lawrence Rimmer,
bachelor of this parish, apparently.
A stranger to the church,
but wishing to be married within it.
Well, well.
- (Rattling)
- Let us now pray for these couples...
as they prepare for their wedding...s.
(Excited chatter)
(Rosie) Can I take another biscuit for my friend?
(Chatter)
- (Chatter stops)
- Why?
Well, if we don't get the coffee
and biscuits out there early,
people will just go home.
Yes, that's what they do.
They come here
and then, thankfully, they leave.
God does not ask them to live here
and partake of beverages.
Unless, of course,
you find this whole silly religion business
getting in the way of a perfectly nice
coffee morning.
Oh, for goodness' sake, Vicar,
don't be like that.
It's lovely what you do.
No, it's just that,
as we discussed earlier,
if we could find a room somewhere
for coffee later,
then we might not have to disturb you
- with the trolley.
- A facility.
Oh! There is that room at the back,
isn't there?
That room back there, yeah.
Should go and check on Charles
with the children.
- They stayed in the car.
- Oh.
Yes, I really should press on as well,
cos Mikey, you know, my son...
- The one in the pop band?
- Rock band.
He's got a Kaiser Chief coming for the weekend
and they want to blow up the old dinghy.
- Why?
- You know, I don't know.
They think it would be hilarious to put it on the
pond. I've told him it's completely perished.
Oh, look, there's the old barometer.
Oh, it's a sign from God, Vicar!
Just like to Noah, you know,
like the holy seagull brought the olives,
didn't he, Vicar?
No.
- Didn't he?
- (Vicar) Erm... I... Ahem. I'm sorry.
Thank you all.
Please feel free to leave.
Thank you.
Oh, I love that holy seagull, Vicar.
It was a dove.
Was it? It looked like a seagull.
You weren't there.
It's a Bible story. It goes...
We could do up that room, Vicar.
It's church property
and the decision is mine. Thank you.
Haven't you people got homes to go to?
I don't want to be at home!
Because Margaret says that home is
the most dangerous place you can be, isn't it?
Because you can get stabbed or murdered
by a member of your family or...
or fall down the stairs,
and I haven't got an alarm on a rope.
Or you can be set fire to by the chip pan.
But this is a church, it's made of stone,
and it can't get set fire to, can it?
- Or can it?
- No, Rosie, no, it can't.
No! Now, come on.
Oh, why don't we have a bring-and-buy?
Not a car-boot sale, they're so...50...
- Lovely?
- Common.
- Yes.
- But we must say
that it can't just be bring, there has to be
something to buy.
- Yes.
- And whatever we do,
we must fill up that thermometer.
- Yes.
- Or barometer, whatever you call it.
- (Rosie) Yeah. Fill it up!
- That's right, that's right, Rosie. Fill it up!
- (Tip) Hello.
- Ladies.
(Man) Hey, Col.
(Colin) Hey! How's Margaret?
Hey, Tash! Didn't know you're working here.
- Can I take those glasses?
- No, we haven't started yet.
Tash, are you gonna come for supper?
If I can be released from slavery by "the man".
- There you go, Reverend.
- Thank you.
I'll have a pint of Otter, please, barlady.
- We don't serve the hunt here.
- Yes, you do.
Here, do you want me to help you with those?
No, not with your blood on your hands.
- No, no.
- Let go! Just let go!
Ah...ahh!
Thanks very much, cos like all breakages
come out of my wages, so great.
- Sorry about that.
- Blood on my hands now.
- Oh, my God!
- Are you all right?
- Mum! Mum!
- I'll be all right.
- I'll be all right.
- Oooh! That looks really nasty.
- I've got the keys to the surgery, Tip.
- Go on! What are you waiting for?
Go, yes.
- Mind the glass.
- Yeah.
- Quite a lot of broken glass here.
- Yes.
- Might need a sweep.
- Oh, the ladies are here.
- I'll see you're not disturbed, Vicar.
- If you would, thank you.
- What are you having?
- Benedictine!
- Yes. Rosie?
- Half a shandy, no lemonade.
- Queenie?
- GandT.
- Kate?
- I'm going to the loo.
- Are you sure? Cos I've got money.
- No, no, no, no, what'll you have?
Erm, er...
Oh! Erm.. Oh, gosh. What have you got?
One across is "for luck”.
Er... Er...
What's everyone else having? Erm...
Two down, "ambidextrous”.
Thank you.
Oh, "f-a-lafel".
Now then, what am I gonna have
that I'm not allowed to have?
The best thing is the vegetarian option.
- The lamb's ours.
- Oh, now, Tip.
We are having a bring-and-buy
for a new coffee room at the church,
50 you better start collecting.
Oh, I'll tell, Sal.
She wants to clear out Mike's stuff.
- She never does.
- Mm-hm.
- She can't do that on her own.
- Oh, no.
We'll have to organize someone to help her.
(Tuning guitar)
I love that song. It's my favorite.
(Tuning continues)
It's changed. Look at this paintwork
and everything.
Just keep the pressure on that
to stop the bleeding.
Oh, my God, it's all so different.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Didn't expect you to be here, it's Sunday.
Oh, this is Colin. It's Tip's husband.
This is my son.
Do you remember James?
And this is Yasmin, his wife.
- (Colin) Hello.
- The new practice nurse.
- Oh, yes, good.
- All right?
Colin is Tip's husband.
You know they've got the farm at Thorne?
- The one you can see from the road.
- Is your hand bleeding?
Oh, yes, yeah, yeah. I was just going to
see to that, but no, you, Yasmin.
Er, James.
- Here, let me take a look.
- I don't think it needs a stitch.
- What do you think?
- Mind the carpet. Just doesn't drip.
Erm, yes, if you'd just like to come through.
(James) Take a seat.
- You all right?
- No, fine.
It's just...blood sometimes has that effect.
Oh, God, love, come and sit down.
- All right?
- Yeah.
This all looks amazing!
- It's so tidy and...
- Clean.
Clean.
Ooh, you're not throwing these out, are you?
Yeah. I think they've all got a bit germy.
You mustn't ever throw anything out.
There's always some skanky git who'll use it.
Tash's friends can probably make a dwelling
out of the germy magazines
and old syringe boxes.
Bit of old carpet and some plastic sheeting.
Luxury! Why is there so much
beer in the drugs fridge?
I mean, I know Dad liked to drink,
but in the surgery?
No, love, it wasn't for your dad.
It was for the patients.
You won't get the likes of old Gill
and his ulcers up here
unless there's this half a lager in it for him.
- What?
- Well, it's the same with all the old ones.
There's got to be something in it for them.
Are you getting them in?
Yes, when people are sick,
they come and see me.
Yes, but it's the ones who are not coming in
that you have to worry about.
Look, I'm going back to the pub.
Why don't you come with me
and I'll point a couple of the old boys
out to you.
Look, I'm not Dad, all right?
We can't run things the way you used to.
There are procedures. If people feel sick,
they come to the surgery.
I'm not going to examine them in the street
or drop their prescriptions round.
It's not a delivery service.
No, you're not like your dad at all.
- Thanks for bringing me in.
- Oh, it's OK. I'll see you in a minute.
- Will you come over for supper tonight?
- Er, yeah, sure.
And keep the STD leaflets in the toilet.
The kids won't take them from there.
- Why not?
- Well, they get embarrassed, love.
So they should be.
- Mum.
- Yeah?
Keys.
Oh, I don't think you had to do that.
When I think of all those years, building up
that surgery and getting to know people.
- He's got to get to know people.
- Mmm.
Me, I'm just like old rubbish.
Are you sure that's what's
really upsetting you?
Why?
Well, it's just that when
somebody dies, that's one thing.
Then getting rid of their stuff,
well, that's another.
No, mind you, there can't be that much.
To be honest with you, I only ever
saw your husband in one outfit. Ha!
(Colin) Ooh!
There you go, darling.
- Let's have a little drink.
- Oh, no, thanks.
- OK, darling?
- Yes, thanks.
Thought you might. (Chuckles)
We had, erm, Linda Jarlston in today.
Oh, really! What for?
Patient confidentiality.
Did I ever tell you about her mother?
Oh, my God!
- Please don't.
- Why?
Cos I know the story, and...
She came in for a smear, and she had a clinker.
Er, a what?
A clin... A poo clinker!
(Laughs)
(Sal) Oh, dear.
- Mum?
- What?
Can you like not empty what's in the bath?
I'm making soap.
Mum, aren't you going to make her
get dressed? Why you are having a bath here?
Because the water has been like
cut off at the site,
and so until Rufus moves us on,
there is no water
and we can't move on
until we get a new battery for the van.
Tash, watch! Ooh!
(Chuckles)
Right.
Right.
I, erm...
I thought it was about time
that we talked about your dad's things.
I just wondered if there was
anything you wanted.
Not there's lot in the way of
anything that's worth anything,
but I, you know,
if you wanted to...
help me go through it, sort it out.
No, fi...fine, thanks.
It's fine.
Tash, why don't you tell James
about your new job?
Oh, the drinky-servy-slavery thing?
- Yes.
- I don't do that anymore, Mum.
- (James) Surprise, surprise.
- It was all like, "Hey!
"I've been waiting over an hour!”
and meat, meat, meat,
and "Where's my pudding?” You know?
Like I didn't have any feelings or beliefs.
I do have like human limitations, and it wasn't
like we invited these people, they just turn up!
- But they're paying you!
- Oh, so I have to prostitute myself?
I've got news for you - I cannot be bought.
Mum, am I a nihilist or an anarchist?
You're unemployed, love.
Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah, I'll sort it all out.
So, I'd help you, but I'm not very good
with dead person's things.
I have got a job anyway, Mum.
- (James) What?
- Oh? .
I am going to be a wind farm generator monitor.
- What wind farm?
- OK, they haven't built it yet,
and they might not because we are protesting,
but when they do build it,
that's gonna be my job.
That's not a job. That's an excuse.
- I've got a child or are you like forgetting?
- Oh, yeah! Where is Raph, love?
- He's in the van with Rufus.
- The famous Rufus.
Who makes string -
out of his own hair by the look of it.
Dreadlocks and a lurcher, how original.
Oh, you know like you, OK,
had better like shut up,
- because otherwise, really, you know...
- Otherwise what?
- I'm going...
- You're going to put me down
- with some juggling?
- Mum!
Will you both shut up?
Good morning!
I haven't got long.
(Sal) why?
(Tip) I thought it would help.
I just thought the more the merrier.
You have to do it anyway,
and it doesn't have to be sad.
I don't cry because I'm sad.
It just happens.
- Just look at it this way. It's just...
- Ah! Don't say tough love
- or I might have to smack you.
- (Doorbell)
I'll smack you anyway.
Yoo-hoo!
Sal, Sal, Sal!
Don't worry, darling.
There are not too many of us.
Hello, we brought the cakes,
so there's no need to worry.
That's right, Queenie.
- Am I gonna make a speech?
- No, Pauline, no.
This is by way of being
an extraordinary meeting,
you know, because of
the fundraising situation
and the upcoming, forthcoming
bring-and-buy,
you know, so crack open the cake, Queenie,
and let's get that old kettle on! (Laughs)
Right now, first things first.
- Apologies.
- Yes, I'm very, very sorry.
No, my darling, you don't have to apologize,
because you're here.
How dear of her.
No, Caroline and Susie,
apologize because they are out collecting...
for the bring-and-buy.
Pauline, if you were called upon to speak,
would you have anything at your disposal?
Yeah, the life cycle of cat worms.
Ideal.
Yeah, Sal, you're getting rid of
everything of Mike's, are you?
- Just his personal things.
- Yeah, like that sofa?
- No, that's mine.
- Cos I could give that a home if...
- No, no, no, no.
- This table. What about that?
- OK, have...
- Yeah, I'd get rid of that.
- Just Mike's things...
- Would you like any help, my darling?
- We'll come up with you.
- No, no, really no, fine. I'll be...
- I'll give you a hand. I insist.
- No need. No need.
- What is it you're after, Delilah?
- I want a tomato.
10p to you.
Just take it.
- What coin is that?
- 5p.
Hang on.
I have had a letter from the main wheel,
saying that we have to widen our horizons.
We have to look further afield.
- Biggerland?
- Further than that, Rosie.
The whole world is our community.
I mean, the tsunami came and went,
we did nothing.
However, for the moment,
I think that we should concentrate
on the coffee room.
It's only a jumper.
- God, was he a smoker!
- Oh, it's making me sick.
You're doing really well.
Well, it's not so bad once you get stuck in.
I'm really proud of you!
Well, don't be.
God, look how young he was once.
But not one single photo of him
without a fag in his mouth.
You are doing brilliantly.
Well, I've thought about doing
it often enough.
You think you've thought about it,
but you haven't really.
- Yes, I have.
- No, you haven't.
- Yes, I have.
- You haven't.
- She has!
- OK.
- What coin is that?
- That's a button.
Damn!
You see, I haven't much time!
Just...just take the tomato.
But I need 10p!
There you go, 10p, one tomato.
- Thank you for your business.
- Goodbye!
(Sal) There isn't very much, is there?
Mike, all he ever wanted was an old Midget.
Ahhh.
So, he must really have loved you,
cos he married you despite your height.
- It's a car!
- Oh.
All done!
Well, now, shall we, as I would say,
loosely break for tea?
Well done, Sal!
Is this all for the bring-and-buy?
Yeah, I think so.
Well, except the stuff that nobody would want,
you know, the stuff he wore every day.
Yes. Nobody would want that.
(Eileen) She's looking lovely.
(Tip) She's great. She's great.
- (Tip) Will you cut the cake?
- (Chatter)
(Slow, heavy footsteps)
I thought I might as well have these
if nobody else wants 'em.
(Laughs)
- Yeah!
- (Laughter)
Oh, Rosie!
(Rosie laughs) Yeah.
Don't go all funny just cos I look like him.
I'm not gonna sleep with you.
(Laughter)
- Here we are, Vicar, this is the white elephant.
- White elephant.
Here we are. ls there anything here at all
that you would like?
Er, no, nothing at all, actually. I've got to dash,
I've got a meeting with the chief primate.
Did I tell you he's gone mad on poppers?
- Really?
- Yes, yes.
- Poppers?
- Yeah.
It's his arthritis. He can't do buttons.
- How much for the egg cup?
- 20p.
I'll take it.
20p. Here you are.
Thank you very much. Goodbye.
He's lovely, isn't he?
Can't really put price on him.
Actually, he does have quite a lot
of sentimental value.
Sorry, I'm afraid I can't sell him, sorry.
(James) What is it?
Soap. Pompous idiot.
Good Lord! Well, perhaps you should
distribute it amongst your friends.
How ironic! Someone who obviously never
uses it, selling soap.
Don't buy anything.
- Oh, flip-flops. I need new flip-flops.
- Oh, have them.
No, those are mine. I'm selling those.
Sorry, sorry, it's not for sale, sorry.
Think about it and come back later. Yeah.
Oh, new nurse, innit?
- Yes.
- Muslim, Sal says.
- Yeah.
- Ahh.
- Not much for you around here, is there?
- In what way?
You know, Mecca.
- There's Mecca Bingo in Plymouth.
- No, it's not quite the same...
No, I know! (Laughs)
Do you want a pebble pet?
This one's £14,000.
Is this you when you were young?
- Yes.
- And who are you shaking hands with?
Hitler.
Most charisma of anyone I've met.
Except, perhaps, Lester Piggott.
Really?
I don't really want anything on the table.
It's not all booze, you know.
I mean, there's pickled onions.
- I don't like...
- Just put your hand in your pocket
and give me a fiver and I promise
not to publicly humiliate you.
Fine.
- Where's Mum?
- She's over there behind that screen,
doing the job you should be doing.
Ah, damn my mouth!
Mum, what are you doing?
It's for charity.
Well...
maybe I can lend a hand.
Oh, thank you.
- Ooh, hello.
- Hello.
- I'm glad I caught you.
- Are you?
- Yes, I've got something for you.
- Ah.
Oh, be careful there.
It's my stool sample that you wanted.
- Oh, well done.
- Needs a bigger tub, really!
Going to need some more change.
Delilah, you've been getting
through these, haven't you?
Here, there you are, take that one,
that's full.
Thank you. Goodbye.
Well, we've sold quite a lot but I don't know
what's happened to the money.
Perhaps your barometer's got a hole in it.
- Orahand in it
- Did you sell all your pebble pets?
Yeah, reduced the pebble pets to 2p each,
they went like hot cakes.
There's quite a lot of nice stuff left, isn't there?
- Yeah!
- Far too much.
Vicar won't be pleased.
Are you sure you don't mind us leaving
all the leftover bring in your house, Rosie?
- No!
- It seems to fit in so well
Thank you, Rosie.
- We'll skip the rest.
- Yeah.
No! What's good is, I can have my other sofa
exactly where I've always wanted it,
in the garden.
There.
That's ideal, that is. That's a proper job.
# Dum, dum, dum, dee-dee
# Dum, dee-dee, dum #
- Oh, there you are, Vicar.
- Ah, Verger.
- Bad news, I'm afraid, Vicar.
- Oh, dear.
I'm sorry, but the bring-and-buy
didn't raise quite enough money
to pay for the health and safety
standards on the room.
- Oh, how unfortunate.
- But don't worry.
You won't have to put up with that
nasty rickety old trolley anymore.
- No, we have a solution.
- Right?
We're gonna carpet the aisle!
Super!
I'll inform English Heritage.
# We are the Village Green
Preservation Society
# God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appreciation Society
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties #
Preservation Society
# God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appreciation Society
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties... #
(# Tuneless organ, chaotic singing
of Lord Of All Hopefulness)
# ..of the day #
(Hymn ends)
# Lord of all.. #
Let us...
B - pray!
(Baby crying)
Goodbye!
Right.
When we're quite ready.
Yes.
O highest and glorious God,
grant me faith,
firm hope...
- (Baby crying)
- ..perfect charity...
Take it out, please.
Ohh.
- Profound humility...
- (Baby crying)
I'm not going on
until you take it out.
- (Woman) Come back in when he's finished.
- Thank you.
(Tim Wonnacott) So, take the leather sleeve off,
what are we left with?
We're left with this section,
a leather-covered handle...
(Knock on door)
Who's that?
Hello, Sal!
Bloody hell.
Go away.
Are you there?
- Oh, God!
- Hello! (Tapping on window)
Sal, are you there?
Oh, shit.
God.
(Sighs)
Oh.
Mmm.
Oh! Ooh!
Are we over the yardarm?
I am reminded of the words
of a rather good friend of mine,
Alan Titchmarsh...
She's there with all her medals
all over her bosoms there.
- Right.
- Not medals, Rosie. Now shush.
(Vicar) ..next to my home in Hampshire...
(Whispering) What is it, then?
Is it armor?
It's regalia, Rosie. It's official Guild regalia.
Right.
It's lovely, innit?
Did you make it?
- Yes, actually, I did.
- Did you?
(Vicar) .to ensure we pass on...
Why you wearing it in here today?
Is it for Jesus?
(Vicar) ..generations. Similarly...
It's just sometimes I forget
I've got it on.
(Vicar) ..the faith that was planted
and nurtured by...
Sorry, we're late.
Colin had some mastitis.
It's all right.
Kate's been keeping me company.
Chatting, for a whole hour,
then I got dressed.
Ahh, that's OK.
Oh, lovely! Where are you off to?
The pub. Do you want to come?
No. No. I have got other people to see.
- Ooh, running a bit late now.
- All right.
I'll pop in for a drink or whatever later.
- OK, yes.
- Yes? All right. I'll see ya.
- Bye, Kate!
- Bye-bye.
Please go!
Ooh, God, that woman!
I was gonna start clearing out Mike's things
and then she tips up.
- (Colin) Stars or Fountain?
- Oh, Fountain!
Tash has started working there.
- Tash?
- Yes!
- Working?
- Yes!
- Well, that's a first.
- Yes, so don't say anything.
- Do you want another drink?
- No.
Drink it down quickly and we'll have
another drink. Put it on my tab.
Ah, we're running out of glasses.
- (Colin) Usual?
- Yes, please.
Ooh, this'll do us grand.
- Mighty.
- I can't see her anywhere.
- There she is.
- Ooh!
Hello, how's it going?
Not now, Mum. I'm like working.
So just sit down and chill.
God! I thought Sunday was meant
to be like a day of rest, not day of slavery.
- Well, let me help you.
- No, it's all right. Thank you.
God! The amount of meat
I'm expected to be in the vicinity of
- is like really twisting my melon.
- But, darling, you're doing brilliantly.
Look what you just made me do!
Can you just like go away and sit down?
- Come on.
- I'm going. God!
Goodbye!
Right.
And who's picking up Delilah's tab?
Right, I publish
the banns of marriage between
Emma Hurston, never met her,
and Lawrence Rimmer,
bachelor of this parish, apparently.
A stranger to the church,
but wishing to be married within it.
Well, well.
- (Rattling)
- Let us now pray for these couples...
as they prepare for their wedding...s.
(Excited chatter)
(Rosie) Can I take another biscuit for my friend?
(Chatter)
- (Chatter stops)
- Why?
Well, if we don't get the coffee
and biscuits out there early,
people will just go home.
Yes, that's what they do.
They come here
and then, thankfully, they leave.
God does not ask them to live here
and partake of beverages.
Unless, of course,
you find this whole silly religion business
getting in the way of a perfectly nice
coffee morning.
Oh, for goodness' sake, Vicar,
don't be like that.
It's lovely what you do.
No, it's just that,
as we discussed earlier,
if we could find a room somewhere
for coffee later,
then we might not have to disturb you
- with the trolley.
- A facility.
Oh! There is that room at the back,
isn't there?
That room back there, yeah.
Should go and check on Charles
with the children.
- They stayed in the car.
- Oh.
Yes, I really should press on as well,
cos Mikey, you know, my son...
- The one in the pop band?
- Rock band.
He's got a Kaiser Chief coming for the weekend
and they want to blow up the old dinghy.
- Why?
- You know, I don't know.
They think it would be hilarious to put it on the
pond. I've told him it's completely perished.
Oh, look, there's the old barometer.
Oh, it's a sign from God, Vicar!
Just like to Noah, you know,
like the holy seagull brought the olives,
didn't he, Vicar?
No.
- Didn't he?
- (Vicar) Erm... I... Ahem. I'm sorry.
Thank you all.
Please feel free to leave.
Thank you.
Oh, I love that holy seagull, Vicar.
It was a dove.
Was it? It looked like a seagull.
You weren't there.
It's a Bible story. It goes...
We could do up that room, Vicar.
It's church property
and the decision is mine. Thank you.
Haven't you people got homes to go to?
I don't want to be at home!
Because Margaret says that home is
the most dangerous place you can be, isn't it?
Because you can get stabbed or murdered
by a member of your family or...
or fall down the stairs,
and I haven't got an alarm on a rope.
Or you can be set fire to by the chip pan.
But this is a church, it's made of stone,
and it can't get set fire to, can it?
- Or can it?
- No, Rosie, no, it can't.
No! Now, come on.
Oh, why don't we have a bring-and-buy?
Not a car-boot sale, they're so...50...
- Lovely?
- Common.
- Yes.
- But we must say
that it can't just be bring, there has to be
something to buy.
- Yes.
- And whatever we do,
we must fill up that thermometer.
- Yes.
- Or barometer, whatever you call it.
- (Rosie) Yeah. Fill it up!
- That's right, that's right, Rosie. Fill it up!
- (Tip) Hello.
- Ladies.
(Man) Hey, Col.
(Colin) Hey! How's Margaret?
Hey, Tash! Didn't know you're working here.
- Can I take those glasses?
- No, we haven't started yet.
Tash, are you gonna come for supper?
If I can be released from slavery by "the man".
- There you go, Reverend.
- Thank you.
I'll have a pint of Otter, please, barlady.
- We don't serve the hunt here.
- Yes, you do.
Here, do you want me to help you with those?
No, not with your blood on your hands.
- No, no.
- Let go! Just let go!
Ah...ahh!
Thanks very much, cos like all breakages
come out of my wages, so great.
- Sorry about that.
- Blood on my hands now.
- Oh, my God!
- Are you all right?
- Mum! Mum!
- I'll be all right.
- I'll be all right.
- Oooh! That looks really nasty.
- I've got the keys to the surgery, Tip.
- Go on! What are you waiting for?
Go, yes.
- Mind the glass.
- Yeah.
- Quite a lot of broken glass here.
- Yes.
- Might need a sweep.
- Oh, the ladies are here.
- I'll see you're not disturbed, Vicar.
- If you would, thank you.
- What are you having?
- Benedictine!
- Yes. Rosie?
- Half a shandy, no lemonade.
- Queenie?
- GandT.
- Kate?
- I'm going to the loo.
- Are you sure? Cos I've got money.
- No, no, no, no, what'll you have?
Erm, er...
Oh! Erm.. Oh, gosh. What have you got?
One across is "for luck”.
Er... Er...
What's everyone else having? Erm...
Two down, "ambidextrous”.
Thank you.
Oh, "f-a-lafel".
Now then, what am I gonna have
that I'm not allowed to have?
The best thing is the vegetarian option.
- The lamb's ours.
- Oh, now, Tip.
We are having a bring-and-buy
for a new coffee room at the church,
50 you better start collecting.
Oh, I'll tell, Sal.
She wants to clear out Mike's stuff.
- She never does.
- Mm-hm.
- She can't do that on her own.
- Oh, no.
We'll have to organize someone to help her.
(Tuning guitar)
I love that song. It's my favorite.
(Tuning continues)
It's changed. Look at this paintwork
and everything.
Just keep the pressure on that
to stop the bleeding.
Oh, my God, it's all so different.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Didn't expect you to be here, it's Sunday.
Oh, this is Colin. It's Tip's husband.
This is my son.
Do you remember James?
And this is Yasmin, his wife.
- (Colin) Hello.
- The new practice nurse.
- Oh, yes, good.
- All right?
Colin is Tip's husband.
You know they've got the farm at Thorne?
- The one you can see from the road.
- Is your hand bleeding?
Oh, yes, yeah, yeah. I was just going to
see to that, but no, you, Yasmin.
Er, James.
- Here, let me take a look.
- I don't think it needs a stitch.
- What do you think?
- Mind the carpet. Just doesn't drip.
Erm, yes, if you'd just like to come through.
(James) Take a seat.
- You all right?
- No, fine.
It's just...blood sometimes has that effect.
Oh, God, love, come and sit down.
- All right?
- Yeah.
This all looks amazing!
- It's so tidy and...
- Clean.
Clean.
Ooh, you're not throwing these out, are you?
Yeah. I think they've all got a bit germy.
You mustn't ever throw anything out.
There's always some skanky git who'll use it.
Tash's friends can probably make a dwelling
out of the germy magazines
and old syringe boxes.
Bit of old carpet and some plastic sheeting.
Luxury! Why is there so much
beer in the drugs fridge?
I mean, I know Dad liked to drink,
but in the surgery?
No, love, it wasn't for your dad.
It was for the patients.
You won't get the likes of old Gill
and his ulcers up here
unless there's this half a lager in it for him.
- What?
- Well, it's the same with all the old ones.
There's got to be something in it for them.
Are you getting them in?
Yes, when people are sick,
they come and see me.
Yes, but it's the ones who are not coming in
that you have to worry about.
Look, I'm going back to the pub.
Why don't you come with me
and I'll point a couple of the old boys
out to you.
Look, I'm not Dad, all right?
We can't run things the way you used to.
There are procedures. If people feel sick,
they come to the surgery.
I'm not going to examine them in the street
or drop their prescriptions round.
It's not a delivery service.
No, you're not like your dad at all.
- Thanks for bringing me in.
- Oh, it's OK. I'll see you in a minute.
- Will you come over for supper tonight?
- Er, yeah, sure.
And keep the STD leaflets in the toilet.
The kids won't take them from there.
- Why not?
- Well, they get embarrassed, love.
So they should be.
- Mum.
- Yeah?
Keys.
Oh, I don't think you had to do that.
When I think of all those years, building up
that surgery and getting to know people.
- He's got to get to know people.
- Mmm.
Me, I'm just like old rubbish.
Are you sure that's what's
really upsetting you?
Why?
Well, it's just that when
somebody dies, that's one thing.
Then getting rid of their stuff,
well, that's another.
No, mind you, there can't be that much.
To be honest with you, I only ever
saw your husband in one outfit. Ha!
(Colin) Ooh!
There you go, darling.
- Let's have a little drink.
- Oh, no, thanks.
- OK, darling?
- Yes, thanks.
Thought you might. (Chuckles)
We had, erm, Linda Jarlston in today.
Oh, really! What for?
Patient confidentiality.
Did I ever tell you about her mother?
Oh, my God!
- Please don't.
- Why?
Cos I know the story, and...
She came in for a smear, and she had a clinker.
Er, a what?
A clin... A poo clinker!
(Laughs)
(Sal) Oh, dear.
- Mum?
- What?
Can you like not empty what's in the bath?
I'm making soap.
Mum, aren't you going to make her
get dressed? Why you are having a bath here?
Because the water has been like
cut off at the site,
and so until Rufus moves us on,
there is no water
and we can't move on
until we get a new battery for the van.
Tash, watch! Ooh!
(Chuckles)
Right.
Right.
I, erm...
I thought it was about time
that we talked about your dad's things.
I just wondered if there was
anything you wanted.
Not there's lot in the way of
anything that's worth anything,
but I, you know,
if you wanted to...
help me go through it, sort it out.
No, fi...fine, thanks.
It's fine.
Tash, why don't you tell James
about your new job?
Oh, the drinky-servy-slavery thing?
- Yes.
- I don't do that anymore, Mum.
- (James) Surprise, surprise.
- It was all like, "Hey!
"I've been waiting over an hour!”
and meat, meat, meat,
and "Where's my pudding?” You know?
Like I didn't have any feelings or beliefs.
I do have like human limitations, and it wasn't
like we invited these people, they just turn up!
- But they're paying you!
- Oh, so I have to prostitute myself?
I've got news for you - I cannot be bought.
Mum, am I a nihilist or an anarchist?
You're unemployed, love.
Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah, I'll sort it all out.
So, I'd help you, but I'm not very good
with dead person's things.
I have got a job anyway, Mum.
- (James) What?
- Oh? .
I am going to be a wind farm generator monitor.
- What wind farm?
- OK, they haven't built it yet,
and they might not because we are protesting,
but when they do build it,
that's gonna be my job.
That's not a job. That's an excuse.
- I've got a child or are you like forgetting?
- Oh, yeah! Where is Raph, love?
- He's in the van with Rufus.
- The famous Rufus.
Who makes string -
out of his own hair by the look of it.
Dreadlocks and a lurcher, how original.
Oh, you know like you, OK,
had better like shut up,
- because otherwise, really, you know...
- Otherwise what?
- I'm going...
- You're going to put me down
- with some juggling?
- Mum!
Will you both shut up?
Good morning!
I haven't got long.
(Sal) why?
(Tip) I thought it would help.
I just thought the more the merrier.
You have to do it anyway,
and it doesn't have to be sad.
I don't cry because I'm sad.
It just happens.
- Just look at it this way. It's just...
- Ah! Don't say tough love
- or I might have to smack you.
- (Doorbell)
I'll smack you anyway.
Yoo-hoo!
Sal, Sal, Sal!
Don't worry, darling.
There are not too many of us.
Hello, we brought the cakes,
so there's no need to worry.
That's right, Queenie.
- Am I gonna make a speech?
- No, Pauline, no.
This is by way of being
an extraordinary meeting,
you know, because of
the fundraising situation
and the upcoming, forthcoming
bring-and-buy,
you know, so crack open the cake, Queenie,
and let's get that old kettle on! (Laughs)
Right now, first things first.
- Apologies.
- Yes, I'm very, very sorry.
No, my darling, you don't have to apologize,
because you're here.
How dear of her.
No, Caroline and Susie,
apologize because they are out collecting...
for the bring-and-buy.
Pauline, if you were called upon to speak,
would you have anything at your disposal?
Yeah, the life cycle of cat worms.
Ideal.
Yeah, Sal, you're getting rid of
everything of Mike's, are you?
- Just his personal things.
- Yeah, like that sofa?
- No, that's mine.
- Cos I could give that a home if...
- No, no, no, no.
- This table. What about that?
- OK, have...
- Yeah, I'd get rid of that.
- Just Mike's things...
- Would you like any help, my darling?
- We'll come up with you.
- No, no, really no, fine. I'll be...
- I'll give you a hand. I insist.
- No need. No need.
- What is it you're after, Delilah?
- I want a tomato.
10p to you.
Just take it.
- What coin is that?
- 5p.
Hang on.
I have had a letter from the main wheel,
saying that we have to widen our horizons.
We have to look further afield.
- Biggerland?
- Further than that, Rosie.
The whole world is our community.
I mean, the tsunami came and went,
we did nothing.
However, for the moment,
I think that we should concentrate
on the coffee room.
It's only a jumper.
- God, was he a smoker!
- Oh, it's making me sick.
You're doing really well.
Well, it's not so bad once you get stuck in.
I'm really proud of you!
Well, don't be.
God, look how young he was once.
But not one single photo of him
without a fag in his mouth.
You are doing brilliantly.
Well, I've thought about doing
it often enough.
You think you've thought about it,
but you haven't really.
- Yes, I have.
- No, you haven't.
- Yes, I have.
- You haven't.
- She has!
- OK.
- What coin is that?
- That's a button.
Damn!
You see, I haven't much time!
Just...just take the tomato.
But I need 10p!
There you go, 10p, one tomato.
- Thank you for your business.
- Goodbye!
(Sal) There isn't very much, is there?
Mike, all he ever wanted was an old Midget.
Ahhh.
So, he must really have loved you,
cos he married you despite your height.
- It's a car!
- Oh.
All done!
Well, now, shall we, as I would say,
loosely break for tea?
Well done, Sal!
Is this all for the bring-and-buy?
Yeah, I think so.
Well, except the stuff that nobody would want,
you know, the stuff he wore every day.
Yes. Nobody would want that.
(Eileen) She's looking lovely.
(Tip) She's great. She's great.
- (Tip) Will you cut the cake?
- (Chatter)
(Slow, heavy footsteps)
I thought I might as well have these
if nobody else wants 'em.
(Laughs)
- Yeah!
- (Laughter)
Oh, Rosie!
(Rosie laughs) Yeah.
Don't go all funny just cos I look like him.
I'm not gonna sleep with you.
(Laughter)
- Here we are, Vicar, this is the white elephant.
- White elephant.
Here we are. ls there anything here at all
that you would like?
Er, no, nothing at all, actually. I've got to dash,
I've got a meeting with the chief primate.
Did I tell you he's gone mad on poppers?
- Really?
- Yes, yes.
- Poppers?
- Yeah.
It's his arthritis. He can't do buttons.
- How much for the egg cup?
- 20p.
I'll take it.
20p. Here you are.
Thank you very much. Goodbye.
He's lovely, isn't he?
Can't really put price on him.
Actually, he does have quite a lot
of sentimental value.
Sorry, I'm afraid I can't sell him, sorry.
(James) What is it?
Soap. Pompous idiot.
Good Lord! Well, perhaps you should
distribute it amongst your friends.
How ironic! Someone who obviously never
uses it, selling soap.
Don't buy anything.
- Oh, flip-flops. I need new flip-flops.
- Oh, have them.
No, those are mine. I'm selling those.
Sorry, sorry, it's not for sale, sorry.
Think about it and come back later. Yeah.
Oh, new nurse, innit?
- Yes.
- Muslim, Sal says.
- Yeah.
- Ahh.
- Not much for you around here, is there?
- In what way?
You know, Mecca.
- There's Mecca Bingo in Plymouth.
- No, it's not quite the same...
No, I know! (Laughs)
Do you want a pebble pet?
This one's £14,000.
Is this you when you were young?
- Yes.
- And who are you shaking hands with?
Hitler.
Most charisma of anyone I've met.
Except, perhaps, Lester Piggott.
Really?
I don't really want anything on the table.
It's not all booze, you know.
I mean, there's pickled onions.
- I don't like...
- Just put your hand in your pocket
and give me a fiver and I promise
not to publicly humiliate you.
Fine.
- Where's Mum?
- She's over there behind that screen,
doing the job you should be doing.
Ah, damn my mouth!
Mum, what are you doing?
It's for charity.
Well...
maybe I can lend a hand.
Oh, thank you.
- Ooh, hello.
- Hello.
- I'm glad I caught you.
- Are you?
- Yes, I've got something for you.
- Ah.
Oh, be careful there.
It's my stool sample that you wanted.
- Oh, well done.
- Needs a bigger tub, really!
Going to need some more change.
Delilah, you've been getting
through these, haven't you?
Here, there you are, take that one,
that's full.
Thank you. Goodbye.
Well, we've sold quite a lot but I don't know
what's happened to the money.
Perhaps your barometer's got a hole in it.
- Orahand in it
- Did you sell all your pebble pets?
Yeah, reduced the pebble pets to 2p each,
they went like hot cakes.
There's quite a lot of nice stuff left, isn't there?
- Yeah!
- Far too much.
Vicar won't be pleased.
Are you sure you don't mind us leaving
all the leftover bring in your house, Rosie?
- No!
- It seems to fit in so well
Thank you, Rosie.
- We'll skip the rest.
- Yeah.
No! What's good is, I can have my other sofa
exactly where I've always wanted it,
in the garden.
There.
That's ideal, that is. That's a proper job.
# Dum, dum, dum, dee-dee
# Dum, dee-dee, dum #
- Oh, there you are, Vicar.
- Ah, Verger.
- Bad news, I'm afraid, Vicar.
- Oh, dear.
I'm sorry, but the bring-and-buy
didn't raise quite enough money
to pay for the health and safety
standards on the room.
- Oh, how unfortunate.
- But don't worry.
You won't have to put up with that
nasty rickety old trolley anymore.
- No, we have a solution.
- Right?
We're gonna carpet the aisle!
Super!
I'll inform English Heritage.
# We are the Village Green
Preservation Society
# God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appreciation Society
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties #