Clatterford (2006–2009): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
Sal Vine is married to the local doctor in the Devon village of Clatterford and works as his practice nurse. When her husband suddenly drops dead her son comes in to replace him and, to Sal's disappointment, wants his dumb wife to take her job, even though she is clearly too faint-hearted to stomach injuries. Sal finds herself being asked to help out unofficially so much that, backed by Tip, the receptionist, she 'persuades' him to employ her officially. A further problem is caused by her daughter Tasha, a divorced,ageing hippie with a little boy, who lives with Sal and makes demands on her. With such a family can the local Women's Institute offer an escape for Sal?
# We are the Village Green
Preservation Society
# God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appreciation Society
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties
# Preserving the old ways from being abused
# Protecting the new ways for me and for you
# What more can we do #
(Rattling noisily)
- Hi, Delilah!
- What?
It's Sal!
Love the new trainers. The cat's meow.
Er...
Hi, Queenie!
Oh, hey, Sal...
I just, I just think...
Are you sure don't want any more
kneeler covers? The Ladies Guild are very keen.
- No! What are these? ll...
- And at this meeting.
I could at this late stage agenda it.
- What are these?
- What are they?
You don't know?
What, those...
- They're hymn book covers.
- But, we...
Or candle mats or... Ohh!
- Why?
- What?
What is that?
Web of God!
Mrs Ottery and Jan Pike.
They're both dead now, so...
- It could come down.
- Could have a new wall hanging!
No! Thank you!
- Hello!
- Hello!
Eileen!
Vicar.
Off to the meeting, Eileen?
Yes, yes.
- Will we see you?
- I'll pop in, just to give out the prescriptions.
Oh, we do need new blood.
Mm...
In fact, the membership have asked me
to approach you, but I know you're very busy.
I just don't think it's really my scene.
Well, it's not all jam and Jerusalem, as they say.
But...not your scene.
Bye!
Oh, that new wall hanging
looks totally gorgeous!
Insane!
Here, patch up before Baby Jesus hears you.
Thank you!
Yes, I can fit you in on Wednesday morning.
Now, what's the problem?
No, I'm not a doctor, but you may as well tell
me, because I'm going to know anyway.
I have access, if you know what I mean.
Esther Pickle, right.
That would be under "C" for cystitis.
It was cystitis you came in to us last for,
wasn't it?
Yes, I am the all-knowing.
(Doctor) Sal!
Ah!
Hello! How are you?
Oh, fine, thank you.
Filled a little bottle for you.
Oh... Gosh, you've filled it up to the top!
Oh, I couldn't stop.
Needed a bigger bottle, really.
There you go!
Got the wrong bloody notes!
Is that not the man with the polyps?
Oh, I love that word "polyp".
- No!
- Oh, hello!
Is it itchy anus?
- Is it an itchy anus?
- Can you close the door? I'm seeing a patient!
No, you're not!
(Phone)
- Hi!
- Hi!
Hello gorgeous!
Hi, Dad!
Dad?
Hi!
(Flushing)
Mum, can you look after Raph
tomorrow morning?
I've got poi class that I, like have to do.
We've been booked
for the chill-out tent, the big green?
Ooh!
They're still looking for a first aider
if you wanna come.
No, I don't think so, dear.
I don't mind the small festivals,
when it's just a bit of rescue cream
on a roach burn or a hug,
when someone has a whitey
after a bit of Moroccan skunk.
Mum, don't bring that up again.
I told you, it was not the skunk.
- Oh!
- The skunk was good.
Rufus gave me the skunk.
I was sick because of the jackety potatoey
cheesy beansy thing that I ate.
We're going to the hall,
take these prescriptions down to the Guild.
Patients come to the surgery!
It's not a delivery service!
They don't come anymore because
you've frightened them all off!
Oh! Look! I got my new phlebotomy arm today.
I'm gonna take it to the meeting,
show the ladies.
Show 'em how to shoot up, do us all a favor.
Hey, Raph! I'm gonna be
the new village bloodletter. Wooh!
Village vampire!
- Only thing you will be trained in.
- Oh, shut up!
The last time you went on a course was 1972!
There isn't a course on what I do well, Mike,
which is giving a shit!
(Phone)
Surgery!
Oh, that's nasty, yeah!
Yeah, you see,
that's a suppository, not a pessary.
You put it in the wrong bit.
Are you going to the Guild meeting?
What?
The meeting.
You have to tell me who you are,
I can't turn my neck.
It's Queenie.
I was going to buy a tomato. Goodbye!
How many chairs?
Oh... Er...
Me, Queenie, Caroline, Rosie, Susie,
Delilah if she makes it,
Sal and Tip, but they won't stay, and, er...
Hazel, Doreen, Maur and Mary.
- Hello!
- Hit
I'm afraid I've got this one with me today.
No, fine.
Annie Stanford?
Oh, no, her mobility scooter
was sideswiped by the log lorry
coming out of the Lamb And Flag.
Her family have got her.
Probably for the best.
Sit down.
You do your homework.
I had some hundreds and thousands somewhere
but I'll be damned if I can find them now.
Come on, books. And not the iPod!
- You need any help?
- Ah, no, no.
Bad luck on the speaker again, I'm afraid.
- Oh, no!
- Have you got any ideas?
Well... Ah! Hello, Rosie!
Margaret's done something very bad!
Oh, dear!
- IPod out! Books on table.
- It'll be all right, come in, come in.
All right?
Shop bought!
Only the icing! Sorry!
Thank you, love.
There you are, Sal.
Ooh! Oh, my!
- Did you see the arm?
- Ooh, what is it?
- Phlebotomy practice.
- Fascinating!
I'm sure people would like to hear about this.
Right.
- Caroline!
- Huh?
This is for you. I've checked.
Everything's up to date.
Is she? What the measles and MMMR,
and everything?
You see, you are up to date with the MMMR.
- I told you that!
- No, you didn't tell me that!
- Oh, shut up!
- Oh, God!
- Some tea?
- Thank you.
This isn't a whole computer, is it?
No.
I should keep and eye on Rosie.
I think Margaret's been giving
her a bit of trouble today.
(Sal) Oh, dear!
- You've got so much to do.
- I have! And John's never there...
Just let me know if I can ever
be any help with the pickup.
- I'm always doing a school run, always.
- Are you?
And if I'm in the Mercedes with the seats down,
there's always room for one more.
Always! Always on the road,
always got some kids in the back.
Well, Tuesday would be quite good,
with the bus.
- Can't do Tuesdays.
- Oh, that's a bugger.
(Coughs and chokes)
Help needed, Sal!
Oh, dear!
- Oh, I am so sorry.
- Oh, you're hopeless.
It just - it's delicious, really - flew out...
Hurry up, hurry up.
- Here's your prescription...
- What?
- ...In your pocket.
- Prescription!
Oh, no, she's looking at me.
She's coming, gonna say something to me now.
- She's probably gonna speak...
- Now, Rosie.
Yeah, she's spoken.
Right, well, I know Eileen said something to you,
but what's not be happening, right,
is that I have been taking
my red and orange pills,
I haven't flushed those down the lavvy.
Have you put your pills down the toilet again?
Yeah, I have, yeah.
You know, my son didn't nick 'em.
And I haven't want the police round, no.
Did the police come round?
Yeah, it's all been a big mistake.
And now Margaret's very, very upset about it.
- Is she here?
- Yeah, she's over there.
- Well, go and get her. I want a word.
- All right.
I'm gonna get Margaret.
Oh, Margaret's not coming, is she?
We're starting, please stay.
Oh, talk to yourself.
(Firmly) Right! What the hell is going on here?
- Margaret, I wanna talk to you.
- No, I'm not speaking to you.
- You're upsetting her.
- You've been speaking to Rosie...
- How dare she!
- Shut up! Down!
Now, stay there until Rosie gets back.
Right, now, ladies. Speakers.
Ahem! Unfortunately, Bob Holness
has apparently left the area, so...
he probably never even got our letter.
Hannah Gordon has been approached
for the next meeting...
- Oh, I hate her!
- ..which will take place
on the second Wednesday of the month
unless it's a Thursday,
when the month is shorter,
and on that month, it might be replaced
by a ramble, due to daylight saving.
- (Quietly) Right, Sal
- Oh! Rosie's back!
Yay!
Whoo, right as rain.
Oh, lovely, Rosie,
lovely to see you, dear, sit down.
- Time for a quick half?
- And the rest.
Promise me you'll kill me
if I ever relent and join the Guild.
IIL kill you and I'll knit you a coffin.
Now, second item, outings.
Trago Mills!
Oh, good idea. Noted, Rosie. Thank you.
Not Trago Mills again!
Any other suggestions at all?
Another idea would be Trago Mills!!
Oh, that is so creepy!
- Get it off of me!
- Ahhhh!
Stop it! Stop it!
Get if off me, you dirty little thing, you!
Show Mike the arm. That's funny, come on.
- His light's still on.
- Oh!
Dr. Vine!
Husband of mine!
Oh, he is asleep,
give him a poke there, come on.
(Giggling)
Sweetie coochie boy!
Mikey, do you want a little drag?
Mikey...
- Oh, my God!
- What?
Oh, my God! Come on here and help me.
Get him up. Get him on the floor.
I think he's had a heart attack.
Oh, God. Right, erm,
OK, down on the floor, yeah.
Yeah, OK. Right.
Oh, yeah, I have him,
I have him, yeah and... Ooh!
Oh, my God!
I'm stuck. God! God! Get him...
Get him off me!
Ooh! Pull! Pull! Oh!
Get him over, get him over, get him over.
Erm, roll him over. Yeah, onto his back.
- Get him in the recovery position.
- That's it, that's it.
- Pulse!
- Pulse? Pulse!
- No pulse.
- Christ, we'll have to do C.P.R.
Oh, you take the mouth!
- Go get the Ambu Bag.
- Ambu Bag, Ambu Bag. What does it look like?
The tube, little girdle tube.
OK, got it! So, now...
OK, I got it!
Right, um, it's says 7, erm, 2, what, 1, no...
- 5-2--3 ..
- I'm lost here.
- Come on!
- What is it?
- It's 15! It's 15!
- It's a song, it's a song.
OK.
# Nellie, the elephant packed her trunk
and said goodbye to the circus
# Off she went with a trumpety-trump
# Trump, trump, trump #
One, two...
Come on! Come on!
Come on!
Get the ambulance.
Get the ambulance, OK.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
(Congregation) # All things bright and beautiful
(Playing out of tune)
# All creatures great and small... #
Don't worry. He was dead before we killed him.
- Was he?
- Yes.
In fact, he killed himself...
with bad health.
# The Lord God made them...
(Rosie screeching) # ..made them all!
# Al #
# Purple-head... #
(Music stops)
I painted that.
Sit down and shut up!
Sit.
Sit!
Please be seated!
I am the Resurrection...
Tash!
That coffin's very tight.
Couldn't you get one in your father's size?
If the people of this town recycled more,
then he could've had a bigger one.
As it was, I've had to supplement the cardboard
with rolled oats.
So it's biodegrading.
Fantastic!
We give you thanks and praise, Almighty Father,
that you sent your son to die,
and raised him from the dead
for the salvation of us all.
Lord, hear us.
That's you, your bit.
The response.
It's in the bold print on the sheet.
Idiots!
It's what you say.
(Various) Lord...
Bold print.
(Rosie) Bold print.
(Blast on organ)
- I'm so sorry.
- Thank you.
From the book of Ecclesiastes.
Chapter three, verse five.
To everything, there is a season.
# Turn, turn turn #
(Vicar) No responses.
And a time for every purpose under heaven.
# Turn, turn, turn #
I'm not going on unless you stop.
- Right.
- All right?
A time to be born...
- Amen!
- No, I've already said...
(Drumbeats)
(Cell phone)
(Drumbeats continue)
(Drumming stops)
(Quietly) Thank you, Jesus!
(People coughing)
Thanks, er, thanks very much.
Um, if you want to see us again,
we'll be supporting the Ozric Tentacles
at the Live Earth Festival...
I think my father would have been pleased
to see so many familiar faces,
friends and patients here today.
As you may know,
I'm taking over the practice
and I hope to see you all soon,
or not, actually, unless you are sick,
in which case, I...do hope you will.
I hope to continue to uphold the standards
that were set by my father...
...or indeed start afresh.
And my wife is looking forward
to taking over as practice nurse.
Now is not the time to get into details
but I'll post the new surgery hours on the door
in about a week when we're hoping to reopen.
Basically, it will be 8:30 till 12:30,
Tuesday to Saturday and Monday...
(Organ playing)
(Horribly out of tune chord)
No, no, no, no. Leave the coffin.
Just...
Bring the hearse up to the door.
Ooh, the husband's totally dead, isn't he?
He's completely dead now, it's quite sad.
- Come on, Rosie.
- Yeah, cos you're a widow now.
You're completely widowed.
I've got something for you.
Here's cheese...
for remembrance.
# Take my hand, my dear
# Ignore that the time, it is near
# Be strong and be brave, my dear
# Let me go now
# Let me go #
(Doorbell)
(Whimpers)
(Doorbell)
- Hello?
- Oh, hello. Kate Bales.
- Yes?
- Grieving Group.
I thought you might like a visit.
I know people tend to drop off
about this sort of time.
Grieving Group?
So..7
So..7
How's it going?
Mm?
I'm doing OK.
Stage three.
Is it?
Depression.
Oh, I'm not depressed.
Yeah.
No, no, you are.
You see...
- You see, you've had shock.
- Yes.
Umm, and then anger/denial.
So, now depression,
and then euphoria,
and then melancholy.
I think I've skipped a few.
I think I'm on melancholy.
No, you can't do that.
You have to do it in the right order.
Ah.
Have you made death a color yet?
No, no.
Oh.
Tears can be healing.
(Kate sobbing)
Oh, all right, Kate, all right.
Oh, you're not a widow?
Yes.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh! Oh, Kate!
Oh, and you're so young.
Oh, thank you.
It must be so hard for you.
Mike was thinking about retiring, anyway.
- But not dying?
- Oh, no, no, no.
I can't get off euphoria.
Ohhh! Ohhh!
I didn't like him very much, you see.
Oh, so you've got the guilt thing as well.
Yes, yes, and the problem is
that's not a step.
How long has it been?
Five years.
- Five years?
- Yes.
Five years?!
Yes, and two months.
I want you to take this home.
And I want you to grieve for one hour
every day, just one hour,
and then get out there
and get on with your life.
- Right, yes.
- Good girl.
Yes, OK, yes, because...
because I've had maladaptive coping
and now I've got to adaptively
learn to cope with my grief.
Just get a haircut.
- And a new top.
- Oh, thank you!
No, I'm just taking the bad ends off.
So, how are things at the surgery?
Oh, great.
- Oh.
- Actually, they're not.
They're terrible.
They've made me re-file
everything under names,
so now I don't know who's got what
and I've no stories for you.
I don't want to talk about it.
So, have you been on any holidays recently?
Yes, my husband died
and everybody sent me to Coventry.
Like everybody's trying to avoid me.
They all ask about you.
Oh, yes, they ask you about me.
They don't ask me about me.
Oh, come on, you know what they're like.
They're embarrassed.
Anyway, you could go and see them.
I have all of the prescriptions for the Guild.
You could come with me.
Why would I wanna go and see them
when they don't wanna come and see me?
No, actually you're right. You should just stay
here sleeping in the dog basket
because you look so well on it
and you are doing so great.
This is tough love, by the way.
Now, you just pull yourself together, woman!
Hello, attention please. Thank you.
If anybody has got any of those
white rubber, er,
Poverty is History bangles,
could they please give them to Queenie,
because she is going to be recycling them
as mug grippers for oldies.
Thank you, Queenie.
Now then, go on talking, go on.
Another couple of minutes.
Oh, you were at Madonna's for the weekend?
Well, not the whole weekend, don't be silly.
No, no, no, we had to get back for the dogs.
It was really just for the evening, but...
It was because of Mikey, really.
Ah! The one who is in the pop band?
- Rock band, not a pop band.
- Rock band, sorry.
And he's great mates with
Madonna and her husband, Ritchie.
- Guy.
- We had a lovely evening.
- Did you?
I was quite surprised. We had a lovely evening
until Sting played the lute.
Right, now, ladies.
Attention, please.
Let's open the meeting.
I'd like to welcome you all to
this month's meeting,
and, of course, lest we forget,
this month is our big push
for new members.
And while we're on the subject
of new members,
I would like to welcome on your behalf, Katie,
who has come to join us today.
She's just come in out of her bereavement.
Welcome to you.
Is your husband dead?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Now then, back to the push.
We've got to get this interweb
running and, Rosie,
I believe that you offered to write a little
advertisement for us, did you?
- Have you written the words, darling?
- I have, yes.
- Would you like to read them?
- I'm walking towards her now.
She's got all the medals all over her bazookas.
Right. I used a dictionary,
so it's a little bit posh.
"We are Clatterford St. Mary Ladies Guild,
"and from small beginnings,
we have steadily shrunk,”
"and is now looking to swell our ranks..."
- Swell our ranks.
- That's very good, go on.
"..For more shades of the female community.”
That's the end.
Rosie, that's very, very, very good dear.
- Thank you.
- Very good, Rosie.
Thank you, Rosie, for that. That's lovely.
Hello, Sal!
Hi!
- I'd like to join.
- (All talking excitedly)
That's terrific!
Oh, yeah!
Goodness me, how nice.
Right, now, come on, ladies, come on.
Let's have a little bit less excitement,
settle down please.
Thank you. Now, on to the second part
of our meeting, which is speakers.
Now, unfortunately...
Hannah Gordon cannot be with us this afternoon.
Apparently, she's got some work, so...
Do you ever get any speakers, Eileen?
Yes, we do, actually.
We do, we do get speakers, and in fact,
today, we have got the third part
of Pauline's talk with slides of...
yes, you've guessed it,
Life Behind The Scenes At Lidls.
So, now, come on, Pauline.
Take it away, my dear.
You see, Sal, we do get speakers.
Now, this is your first meeting, so please.
OK, sorry. Do I get to wear one
of those necklaces, now that I have joined?
Don't push it!
Sorry, I didn't mean to...
- She is very touchy.
- She is sensitive.
So, where did I get to? Well...
Canned goods are stacked by
the people what's known as "stackers.”
- Stackers?
- OK?
Canned multipack goods,
they're delivered in bulk to door six,
whereupon night shift workers,
they do what we call "splitting.”
- Oh, splitting!
- This involves...
Oh, just a minute, Pauline,
just @ moment, please.
- Yes?
- I know it's my first meeting, Eileen,
but am I allowed to make a suggestion?
No, love. You can't make a suggestion.
It has to be a motion.
OK, I make a motion.
- Yes?
- I think we all need a drink.
- In the pub!
- Oh, God, I need a drink.
No, Delilah, you can't be first
out of the post like that.
Ladies, this would be
very, very unconstitutional.
It is. Now, come on...
I shall need a show of hands!
I knew that would happen.
I knew that would happen.
Goodness me!
Right.
Mine's a benedictine.
- You get on, Pauline.
- All right.
- I wanna see what happens at the end.
- Right.
- Ooh!
- That there...
- Yeah?
- That's trolleys.
- Special trolleys?
- Yes, they're special trolleys.
- But you gotta be very careful.
- Made of metal?
Yes, but you gotta be very, very careful,
you see, when you're pulling them.
- Yeah.
- There should be two of you pulling them.
- But sometimes...
- What? For safety?
- For safety, yeah.
- Yeah.
# Preserving the old ways from being abused
# Protecting the new ways for me and for you
# What more can we do #
And look, there's some wooden things up there,
- you can call them pallets.
- Pallets?
- Yes.
- Right.
And is this where the vans back in there?
- Yeah that's where they...
- Oh, I wanted to see that!
Preservation Society
# God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety
# We are the Desperate Dan
Appreciation Society
# God save strawberry jam
and all the different varieties
# Preserving the old ways from being abused
# Protecting the new ways for me and for you
# What more can we do #
(Rattling noisily)
- Hi, Delilah!
- What?
It's Sal!
Love the new trainers. The cat's meow.
Er...
Hi, Queenie!
Oh, hey, Sal...
I just, I just think...
Are you sure don't want any more
kneeler covers? The Ladies Guild are very keen.
- No! What are these? ll...
- And at this meeting.
I could at this late stage agenda it.
- What are these?
- What are they?
You don't know?
What, those...
- They're hymn book covers.
- But, we...
Or candle mats or... Ohh!
- Why?
- What?
What is that?
Web of God!
Mrs Ottery and Jan Pike.
They're both dead now, so...
- It could come down.
- Could have a new wall hanging!
No! Thank you!
- Hello!
- Hello!
Eileen!
Vicar.
Off to the meeting, Eileen?
Yes, yes.
- Will we see you?
- I'll pop in, just to give out the prescriptions.
Oh, we do need new blood.
Mm...
In fact, the membership have asked me
to approach you, but I know you're very busy.
I just don't think it's really my scene.
Well, it's not all jam and Jerusalem, as they say.
But...not your scene.
Bye!
Oh, that new wall hanging
looks totally gorgeous!
Insane!
Here, patch up before Baby Jesus hears you.
Thank you!
Yes, I can fit you in on Wednesday morning.
Now, what's the problem?
No, I'm not a doctor, but you may as well tell
me, because I'm going to know anyway.
I have access, if you know what I mean.
Esther Pickle, right.
That would be under "C" for cystitis.
It was cystitis you came in to us last for,
wasn't it?
Yes, I am the all-knowing.
(Doctor) Sal!
Ah!
Hello! How are you?
Oh, fine, thank you.
Filled a little bottle for you.
Oh... Gosh, you've filled it up to the top!
Oh, I couldn't stop.
Needed a bigger bottle, really.
There you go!
Got the wrong bloody notes!
Is that not the man with the polyps?
Oh, I love that word "polyp".
- No!
- Oh, hello!
Is it itchy anus?
- Is it an itchy anus?
- Can you close the door? I'm seeing a patient!
No, you're not!
(Phone)
- Hi!
- Hi!
Hello gorgeous!
Hi, Dad!
Dad?
Hi!
(Flushing)
Mum, can you look after Raph
tomorrow morning?
I've got poi class that I, like have to do.
We've been booked
for the chill-out tent, the big green?
Ooh!
They're still looking for a first aider
if you wanna come.
No, I don't think so, dear.
I don't mind the small festivals,
when it's just a bit of rescue cream
on a roach burn or a hug,
when someone has a whitey
after a bit of Moroccan skunk.
Mum, don't bring that up again.
I told you, it was not the skunk.
- Oh!
- The skunk was good.
Rufus gave me the skunk.
I was sick because of the jackety potatoey
cheesy beansy thing that I ate.
We're going to the hall,
take these prescriptions down to the Guild.
Patients come to the surgery!
It's not a delivery service!
They don't come anymore because
you've frightened them all off!
Oh! Look! I got my new phlebotomy arm today.
I'm gonna take it to the meeting,
show the ladies.
Show 'em how to shoot up, do us all a favor.
Hey, Raph! I'm gonna be
the new village bloodletter. Wooh!
Village vampire!
- Only thing you will be trained in.
- Oh, shut up!
The last time you went on a course was 1972!
There isn't a course on what I do well, Mike,
which is giving a shit!
(Phone)
Surgery!
Oh, that's nasty, yeah!
Yeah, you see,
that's a suppository, not a pessary.
You put it in the wrong bit.
Are you going to the Guild meeting?
What?
The meeting.
You have to tell me who you are,
I can't turn my neck.
It's Queenie.
I was going to buy a tomato. Goodbye!
How many chairs?
Oh... Er...
Me, Queenie, Caroline, Rosie, Susie,
Delilah if she makes it,
Sal and Tip, but they won't stay, and, er...
Hazel, Doreen, Maur and Mary.
- Hello!
- Hit
I'm afraid I've got this one with me today.
No, fine.
Annie Stanford?
Oh, no, her mobility scooter
was sideswiped by the log lorry
coming out of the Lamb And Flag.
Her family have got her.
Probably for the best.
Sit down.
You do your homework.
I had some hundreds and thousands somewhere
but I'll be damned if I can find them now.
Come on, books. And not the iPod!
- You need any help?
- Ah, no, no.
Bad luck on the speaker again, I'm afraid.
- Oh, no!
- Have you got any ideas?
Well... Ah! Hello, Rosie!
Margaret's done something very bad!
Oh, dear!
- IPod out! Books on table.
- It'll be all right, come in, come in.
All right?
Shop bought!
Only the icing! Sorry!
Thank you, love.
There you are, Sal.
Ooh! Oh, my!
- Did you see the arm?
- Ooh, what is it?
- Phlebotomy practice.
- Fascinating!
I'm sure people would like to hear about this.
Right.
- Caroline!
- Huh?
This is for you. I've checked.
Everything's up to date.
Is she? What the measles and MMMR,
and everything?
You see, you are up to date with the MMMR.
- I told you that!
- No, you didn't tell me that!
- Oh, shut up!
- Oh, God!
- Some tea?
- Thank you.
This isn't a whole computer, is it?
No.
I should keep and eye on Rosie.
I think Margaret's been giving
her a bit of trouble today.
(Sal) Oh, dear!
- You've got so much to do.
- I have! And John's never there...
Just let me know if I can ever
be any help with the pickup.
- I'm always doing a school run, always.
- Are you?
And if I'm in the Mercedes with the seats down,
there's always room for one more.
Always! Always on the road,
always got some kids in the back.
Well, Tuesday would be quite good,
with the bus.
- Can't do Tuesdays.
- Oh, that's a bugger.
(Coughs and chokes)
Help needed, Sal!
Oh, dear!
- Oh, I am so sorry.
- Oh, you're hopeless.
It just - it's delicious, really - flew out...
Hurry up, hurry up.
- Here's your prescription...
- What?
- ...In your pocket.
- Prescription!
Oh, no, she's looking at me.
She's coming, gonna say something to me now.
- She's probably gonna speak...
- Now, Rosie.
Yeah, she's spoken.
Right, well, I know Eileen said something to you,
but what's not be happening, right,
is that I have been taking
my red and orange pills,
I haven't flushed those down the lavvy.
Have you put your pills down the toilet again?
Yeah, I have, yeah.
You know, my son didn't nick 'em.
And I haven't want the police round, no.
Did the police come round?
Yeah, it's all been a big mistake.
And now Margaret's very, very upset about it.
- Is she here?
- Yeah, she's over there.
- Well, go and get her. I want a word.
- All right.
I'm gonna get Margaret.
Oh, Margaret's not coming, is she?
We're starting, please stay.
Oh, talk to yourself.
(Firmly) Right! What the hell is going on here?
- Margaret, I wanna talk to you.
- No, I'm not speaking to you.
- You're upsetting her.
- You've been speaking to Rosie...
- How dare she!
- Shut up! Down!
Now, stay there until Rosie gets back.
Right, now, ladies. Speakers.
Ahem! Unfortunately, Bob Holness
has apparently left the area, so...
he probably never even got our letter.
Hannah Gordon has been approached
for the next meeting...
- Oh, I hate her!
- ..which will take place
on the second Wednesday of the month
unless it's a Thursday,
when the month is shorter,
and on that month, it might be replaced
by a ramble, due to daylight saving.
- (Quietly) Right, Sal
- Oh! Rosie's back!
Yay!
Whoo, right as rain.
Oh, lovely, Rosie,
lovely to see you, dear, sit down.
- Time for a quick half?
- And the rest.
Promise me you'll kill me
if I ever relent and join the Guild.
IIL kill you and I'll knit you a coffin.
Now, second item, outings.
Trago Mills!
Oh, good idea. Noted, Rosie. Thank you.
Not Trago Mills again!
Any other suggestions at all?
Another idea would be Trago Mills!!
Oh, that is so creepy!
- Get it off of me!
- Ahhhh!
Stop it! Stop it!
Get if off me, you dirty little thing, you!
Show Mike the arm. That's funny, come on.
- His light's still on.
- Oh!
Dr. Vine!
Husband of mine!
Oh, he is asleep,
give him a poke there, come on.
(Giggling)
Sweetie coochie boy!
Mikey, do you want a little drag?
Mikey...
- Oh, my God!
- What?
Oh, my God! Come on here and help me.
Get him up. Get him on the floor.
I think he's had a heart attack.
Oh, God. Right, erm,
OK, down on the floor, yeah.
Yeah, OK. Right.
Oh, yeah, I have him,
I have him, yeah and... Ooh!
Oh, my God!
I'm stuck. God! God! Get him...
Get him off me!
Ooh! Pull! Pull! Oh!
Get him over, get him over, get him over.
Erm, roll him over. Yeah, onto his back.
- Get him in the recovery position.
- That's it, that's it.
- Pulse!
- Pulse? Pulse!
- No pulse.
- Christ, we'll have to do C.P.R.
Oh, you take the mouth!
- Go get the Ambu Bag.
- Ambu Bag, Ambu Bag. What does it look like?
The tube, little girdle tube.
OK, got it! So, now...
OK, I got it!
Right, um, it's says 7, erm, 2, what, 1, no...
- 5-2--3 ..
- I'm lost here.
- Come on!
- What is it?
- It's 15! It's 15!
- It's a song, it's a song.
OK.
# Nellie, the elephant packed her trunk
and said goodbye to the circus
# Off she went with a trumpety-trump
# Trump, trump, trump #
One, two...
Come on! Come on!
Come on!
Get the ambulance.
Get the ambulance, OK.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
(Congregation) # All things bright and beautiful
(Playing out of tune)
# All creatures great and small... #
Don't worry. He was dead before we killed him.
- Was he?
- Yes.
In fact, he killed himself...
with bad health.
# The Lord God made them...
(Rosie screeching) # ..made them all!
# Al #
# Purple-head... #
(Music stops)
I painted that.
Sit down and shut up!
Sit.
Sit!
Please be seated!
I am the Resurrection...
Tash!
That coffin's very tight.
Couldn't you get one in your father's size?
If the people of this town recycled more,
then he could've had a bigger one.
As it was, I've had to supplement the cardboard
with rolled oats.
So it's biodegrading.
Fantastic!
We give you thanks and praise, Almighty Father,
that you sent your son to die,
and raised him from the dead
for the salvation of us all.
Lord, hear us.
That's you, your bit.
The response.
It's in the bold print on the sheet.
Idiots!
It's what you say.
(Various) Lord...
Bold print.
(Rosie) Bold print.
(Blast on organ)
- I'm so sorry.
- Thank you.
From the book of Ecclesiastes.
Chapter three, verse five.
To everything, there is a season.
# Turn, turn turn #
(Vicar) No responses.
And a time for every purpose under heaven.
# Turn, turn, turn #
I'm not going on unless you stop.
- Right.
- All right?
A time to be born...
- Amen!
- No, I've already said...
(Drumbeats)
(Cell phone)
(Drumbeats continue)
(Drumming stops)
(Quietly) Thank you, Jesus!
(People coughing)
Thanks, er, thanks very much.
Um, if you want to see us again,
we'll be supporting the Ozric Tentacles
at the Live Earth Festival...
I think my father would have been pleased
to see so many familiar faces,
friends and patients here today.
As you may know,
I'm taking over the practice
and I hope to see you all soon,
or not, actually, unless you are sick,
in which case, I...do hope you will.
I hope to continue to uphold the standards
that were set by my father...
...or indeed start afresh.
And my wife is looking forward
to taking over as practice nurse.
Now is not the time to get into details
but I'll post the new surgery hours on the door
in about a week when we're hoping to reopen.
Basically, it will be 8:30 till 12:30,
Tuesday to Saturday and Monday...
(Organ playing)
(Horribly out of tune chord)
No, no, no, no. Leave the coffin.
Just...
Bring the hearse up to the door.
Ooh, the husband's totally dead, isn't he?
He's completely dead now, it's quite sad.
- Come on, Rosie.
- Yeah, cos you're a widow now.
You're completely widowed.
I've got something for you.
Here's cheese...
for remembrance.
# Take my hand, my dear
# Ignore that the time, it is near
# Be strong and be brave, my dear
# Let me go now
# Let me go #
(Doorbell)
(Whimpers)
(Doorbell)
- Hello?
- Oh, hello. Kate Bales.
- Yes?
- Grieving Group.
I thought you might like a visit.
I know people tend to drop off
about this sort of time.
Grieving Group?
So..7
So..7
How's it going?
Mm?
I'm doing OK.
Stage three.
Is it?
Depression.
Oh, I'm not depressed.
Yeah.
No, no, you are.
You see...
- You see, you've had shock.
- Yes.
Umm, and then anger/denial.
So, now depression,
and then euphoria,
and then melancholy.
I think I've skipped a few.
I think I'm on melancholy.
No, you can't do that.
You have to do it in the right order.
Ah.
Have you made death a color yet?
No, no.
Oh.
Tears can be healing.
(Kate sobbing)
Oh, all right, Kate, all right.
Oh, you're not a widow?
Yes.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh! Oh, Kate!
Oh, and you're so young.
Oh, thank you.
It must be so hard for you.
Mike was thinking about retiring, anyway.
- But not dying?
- Oh, no, no, no.
I can't get off euphoria.
Ohhh! Ohhh!
I didn't like him very much, you see.
Oh, so you've got the guilt thing as well.
Yes, yes, and the problem is
that's not a step.
How long has it been?
Five years.
- Five years?
- Yes.
Five years?!
Yes, and two months.
I want you to take this home.
And I want you to grieve for one hour
every day, just one hour,
and then get out there
and get on with your life.
- Right, yes.
- Good girl.
Yes, OK, yes, because...
because I've had maladaptive coping
and now I've got to adaptively
learn to cope with my grief.
Just get a haircut.
- And a new top.
- Oh, thank you!
No, I'm just taking the bad ends off.
So, how are things at the surgery?
Oh, great.
- Oh.
- Actually, they're not.
They're terrible.
They've made me re-file
everything under names,
so now I don't know who's got what
and I've no stories for you.
I don't want to talk about it.
So, have you been on any holidays recently?
Yes, my husband died
and everybody sent me to Coventry.
Like everybody's trying to avoid me.
They all ask about you.
Oh, yes, they ask you about me.
They don't ask me about me.
Oh, come on, you know what they're like.
They're embarrassed.
Anyway, you could go and see them.
I have all of the prescriptions for the Guild.
You could come with me.
Why would I wanna go and see them
when they don't wanna come and see me?
No, actually you're right. You should just stay
here sleeping in the dog basket
because you look so well on it
and you are doing so great.
This is tough love, by the way.
Now, you just pull yourself together, woman!
Hello, attention please. Thank you.
If anybody has got any of those
white rubber, er,
Poverty is History bangles,
could they please give them to Queenie,
because she is going to be recycling them
as mug grippers for oldies.
Thank you, Queenie.
Now then, go on talking, go on.
Another couple of minutes.
Oh, you were at Madonna's for the weekend?
Well, not the whole weekend, don't be silly.
No, no, no, we had to get back for the dogs.
It was really just for the evening, but...
It was because of Mikey, really.
Ah! The one who is in the pop band?
- Rock band, not a pop band.
- Rock band, sorry.
And he's great mates with
Madonna and her husband, Ritchie.
- Guy.
- We had a lovely evening.
- Did you?
I was quite surprised. We had a lovely evening
until Sting played the lute.
Right, now, ladies.
Attention, please.
Let's open the meeting.
I'd like to welcome you all to
this month's meeting,
and, of course, lest we forget,
this month is our big push
for new members.
And while we're on the subject
of new members,
I would like to welcome on your behalf, Katie,
who has come to join us today.
She's just come in out of her bereavement.
Welcome to you.
Is your husband dead?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
Now then, back to the push.
We've got to get this interweb
running and, Rosie,
I believe that you offered to write a little
advertisement for us, did you?
- Have you written the words, darling?
- I have, yes.
- Would you like to read them?
- I'm walking towards her now.
She's got all the medals all over her bazookas.
Right. I used a dictionary,
so it's a little bit posh.
"We are Clatterford St. Mary Ladies Guild,
"and from small beginnings,
we have steadily shrunk,”
"and is now looking to swell our ranks..."
- Swell our ranks.
- That's very good, go on.
"..For more shades of the female community.”
That's the end.
Rosie, that's very, very, very good dear.
- Thank you.
- Very good, Rosie.
Thank you, Rosie, for that. That's lovely.
Hello, Sal!
Hi!
- I'd like to join.
- (All talking excitedly)
That's terrific!
Oh, yeah!
Goodness me, how nice.
Right, now, come on, ladies, come on.
Let's have a little bit less excitement,
settle down please.
Thank you. Now, on to the second part
of our meeting, which is speakers.
Now, unfortunately...
Hannah Gordon cannot be with us this afternoon.
Apparently, she's got some work, so...
Do you ever get any speakers, Eileen?
Yes, we do, actually.
We do, we do get speakers, and in fact,
today, we have got the third part
of Pauline's talk with slides of...
yes, you've guessed it,
Life Behind The Scenes At Lidls.
So, now, come on, Pauline.
Take it away, my dear.
You see, Sal, we do get speakers.
Now, this is your first meeting, so please.
OK, sorry. Do I get to wear one
of those necklaces, now that I have joined?
Don't push it!
Sorry, I didn't mean to...
- She is very touchy.
- She is sensitive.
So, where did I get to? Well...
Canned goods are stacked by
the people what's known as "stackers.”
- Stackers?
- OK?
Canned multipack goods,
they're delivered in bulk to door six,
whereupon night shift workers,
they do what we call "splitting.”
- Oh, splitting!
- This involves...
Oh, just a minute, Pauline,
just @ moment, please.
- Yes?
- I know it's my first meeting, Eileen,
but am I allowed to make a suggestion?
No, love. You can't make a suggestion.
It has to be a motion.
OK, I make a motion.
- Yes?
- I think we all need a drink.
- In the pub!
- Oh, God, I need a drink.
No, Delilah, you can't be first
out of the post like that.
Ladies, this would be
very, very unconstitutional.
It is. Now, come on...
I shall need a show of hands!
I knew that would happen.
I knew that would happen.
Goodness me!
Right.
Mine's a benedictine.
- You get on, Pauline.
- All right.
- I wanna see what happens at the end.
- Right.
- Ooh!
- That there...
- Yeah?
- That's trolleys.
- Special trolleys?
- Yes, they're special trolleys.
- But you gotta be very careful.
- Made of metal?
Yes, but you gotta be very, very careful,
you see, when you're pulling them.
- Yeah.
- There should be two of you pulling them.
- But sometimes...
- What? For safety?
- For safety, yeah.
- Yeah.
# Preserving the old ways from being abused
# Protecting the new ways for me and for you
# What more can we do #
And look, there's some wooden things up there,
- you can call them pallets.
- Pallets?
- Yes.
- Right.
And is this where the vans back in there?
- Yeah that's where they...
- Oh, I wanted to see that!