Class of '07 (2023-…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Bird Shit - full transcript

Zoe.

You know I've loved getting to know you.

You're beautiful.

And smart.

And, uh... exuberant.

A strong woman like you

deserves to be with someone
who is truly her match.

I'm sorry, Zoe,

but I'm not that man.

Oh.

- Yeah, you are.
- Nah.



Like, I'd never even heard
the word "exuberant" before you used it.

Yeah, and I'd never heard
of high-intensity interval training,

but now look, repping squats all day.

- Seriously.
- It's going pretty good.

- Yeah.
- Wait, Zoe.

Look, I'm sorry,
but you're not my match.

So, what you're saying is, um...

maybe if I'd laughed
a little bit harder at your jokes.

- Come on, don't do this.
- Or maybe...

Maybe if I'd copped
more of a feel

of your
balls under the blanket

while 15 people
stood around filming.

Maybe then I'd be your match?

Are we still shooting?



I can't believe I got sucked
into this shit.

And for what?

For a hot dummy who thinks
the moon is the sun's shadow.

- Are you kidding me?
- this shit!

Yeah, well,
some of us are here for love.

Oh, love?
Oh, are you here for love?

- Yeah.
- Really?

Because nothing says love

like promoting your online fitness app
in between rose ceremonies.

- But I guess I'm the fame whore.
- Are we gonna cut?

For hoping that maybe a radio hosting gig
would come out of this sexist shit.

- I think we should cut.
- Or a podcast at the very least.

This whole show is as fake
as your spray tan, mate.

These fake flowers?

- Fake, fake...
- Calm down.

Well, that one's real,
but it's not attached to anything.

There's no
ceiling in here.

Bullshit!

Oh, and the cheese
that we never even eat!

- And the doves.
- Not the doves.

Don't even get me started
on the doves.

- Don't touch my doves.
- Out of my way.

- Don't touch 'em.
- The love birds,

rats of the sky that make single women
everywhere feel shit about themselves.

She's lost the friggin' plot.

- Still rolling. Do not...
- you!

- Zoe...
- Come on, out you get!

Zoe, just stop.

- Zoe, don't!
- Go on! Go! Go on! Go!

Get out of here!

Oh, my God!

This is gold.
Don't cut. Do not cut.

It shat in my mouth.

♪ Is there any possibility
you'll quit gossiping about me ♪

♪ To hide your insecurities? ♪

♪ All they say is, "Na, na, na, na, na" ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪♪

Oh, no, no, no.

Is this the way it's gonna be between us?

You acting like a little bitch, and me

realizing I'm talking to myself
out loud again?

Oi! Thought we were having a moment.

What the fuck?

Bitch, this is an emergency.

I was given a bad edit!

Shit. Okay.

So, besides organizing our reunion,
which has kept me busy,

I'm currently on track
for pre-selection in 2036

if the bellwether sticks.

Uh, uh, no, no, no.

Teresa, that is your fourth blue one
this hour.

Slow down or drink an orange one,
for God's sake.

Do you want an orange one?

- Well... I was...
- They're really nice.

So, um...

do you know if Zoe mentioned
if she was coming or not?

Not a word.

Just because a bird took a dump

in your mouth on national television,

it doesn't mean you get
a hall pass on RSVPs.

Yeah.

Oh, don't look at me like that.

I know you were school captain, but

you just disappeared
halfway through the year.

And, whatever, technically,
I was caretaker school captain,

- but someone had to step up.
- Of course, no question.

Speaking of upgrades, have you been
reintroduced to Saskia 2.0 yet?

Did you know that for every pack of tampon
Saskia sells, she donates another pack

to chicks in, like, poor countries?

I mean, don't say people can't change.

Didn't she make your life hell, Genevieve?

Didn't she make your life hell, Amelia?

Anyway, why did you leave?

Rumor is you got expelled
for fucking that staff member.

That's not why I left.

You have made that sound
way more scandalous than it was.

Well, what then?

Why did you...

- Sorry.
- What, you married him?

You didn't include that in your bio.

- You having fun up there, babe?
- It's worse than I thought.

They think I ran off
with the bloody maths teacher.

Well, a 19-year-old
groundkeeper's assistant is way sexier.

So, did she show?

No. Told you she wouldn't.

Ah, come on,
you only just got there.

I'm gonna head home.

Oh, but, Mels,
it's a six-hour drive.

Stay. She might show...

Hello? Danny?

Reception's shit up here.

I can't even get 3G!

"Go to higher ground, Zoe."

"Yes, Dad, I am."

"You know, your old school
is the nearest evacuation point

in a weather emergency, Zoe."

"Uh, yeah, Dad. I know that.

I'm literally going to the school
right now."

"How come you never talk to me
in your imaginary conversations, Zoe?"

"Now is really not the time, Mum."

"Is that why you decided to hole up
in your dad's sad little caravan

instead of coming to stay
in my nice big house with me?"

Oh, my God, stop talking to yourself!

He's got over
a million followers now.

And the timing of this little event
was perfect

because Constable had
a cover shoot for Dogue in Seminyak.

So I figured I'd make an appearance
while I was in the neighborhood.

You are the best exchange student ever.

- Is he here or...
- No, he's at a puppy spa in Bondi.

- Oh.
- But here is my baby

at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.

Oh!

Oh, Teresa, she didn't mean "baby" baby.

Guys, guys, pff, we can, what,
we can use the word "baby."

Lots of couples,
they fail the first round of IVF.

And somewhere
in a little freezer in Brisbane,

my embryos are like, "Whoo!

You party while you can, Mama,

because next time we're gonna stay
in your big warm uterus."

And I'm like, "Okay, babies."
'Cause I'm fine.

Ter...

Ah, no! No!

Well, I'm sorry. It's just that
I traveled halfway across the world

to catch up with my best friend

and all she can do is bitch
about her shriveled fucking womb.

I mean, who even does IVF at our age?

- Guys, I'm going to go.
- No, no, no, no.

We haven't even spoken about Zoe and
The Match and also why you left school.

- I've really got to go, guys.
- Mmm.

Jeez.

So, what is it that you do now, Renee?

- Um, I am a nail technician.
- Oh, darling.

You... Don't, don't tell people that.

No exploding water.

Just years of high school
scar tissue coming back.

Oh, shit!

What the fuck?

Hey, excuse me.

Where's the emergency
meeting point or whatever?

Hello?

Rude.

Nah. Nothing.

I can't believe how well
everyone's doing, hey?

Yeah.

All of these rich girls

who were handed every social privilege
on a silver platter, you know?

While, um, a scholarship scab like me
had to sell my plasma

just so I could afford
to go on a ski trip.

- Oh...
- But, yeah, everyone's doing so well.

It's nice that you came anyway, Phoebe.

Don't flatter yourself. My boss reckons

he won't give me a bonus
till he can see I've done some human shit.

Uh, what is it that you do anyway?

Renny?

It's Renee. Yeah.

Um, I am...

a doctor. Yes.

Nice.

Oh, my God, she came!

Ah!

What the fuck is going on here?

I'm so happy you're here. You know,
screw him and his interval training.

He doesn't deserve you.

Is this our reunion?

- Yes!
- Ten years, dum-dum.

Too famous to RSVP, are we?

Um, is this still where
the evacuation point is?

Didn't you get the emails?

- There have been emails.
- No, I haven't been on email.

- But have you guys seen...
- No one could contact you.

That was kind of the point.

Zoe, when people don't RSVP,
it makes catering impossible...

Oh, shh, Pepé.

- Don't call me that.
- Drink up, Zo-Zo.

- Whoo!
- Tell us what the mansion was like.

Do you get to keep dresses
from the show?

No, they're hired.

But, guys, listen, because the birds
outside were flying around in circles...

Hope you had your mouth
closed this time, babe.

What does bird shit taste like, Zoe?

It is perfectly fine to be afraid of birds
after what you've been through.

The ground was shaking,
and then all of these little cracks...

Remember the time she cried wolf
about a gas leak in the chemistry labs

to get out of the exam?

"Oh, can you smell that?"

Please, listen! Please, listen!

Or when she said
she met Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Or when she got caught smoking
and the fire alarm went off,

so she told Sister Bicky...

The fucking Earth is cracking open
and gushing everywhere!

And I'm not crazy.
I was just given a bad edit.

- Zoe...
- Are you okay?

Uh... Uh...

Hey, you've been through a lot.

Why don't you just take a minute?
Go and splash some water on your face.

Yeah. Yep.

Yeah. Off you go.

God, I love a sequel.

What's wrong with you?

Put your phone away. She's clearly unwell.

Okay, Sas.

As if you wouldn't have been
all over that shit at school.

I was a cunt in high school, Sandy.
Some of us grow out of it.

See? I told you she's changed.

It's fine, Zoe. It was just some
weird weather at Dad's place,

and it's not even happening here.

No cracks, no water explosions.

It's totally fine.

And they're right. They're right.
You have been through a lot.

And you do tend to exaggerate.

And you do make drama.

Even though you totally did meet JTT.

But that is not the point. The point is

that everything is going to be fine
and you're going to go out there

and you're going to be normal
and you're going to have fun.

Mm!

And you're going to stop talking
to yourself in the mirror.

I can't have BO on my forehead.
I just can't.

- It's the hats.
- The hats?

It's the stupid scratchy hats.

Oh!

- Hey!
- Hey.

Hi!

Zoe, are you okay?

- You just... You seem...
- Batshit crazy?

Yeah, I know.

Um, I think it's just, like,
six months off the grid, you know?

My sense of humor's
a bit, bit funky.

Okay, good.

Um, I'm glad you're okay. I'm gonna go.

Um, Amelia, hang on.

Hi.

How are you?

How have you been for, like, you know,

every minute of every day
for the last ten years?

Not much to tell, really, um...

Danny and I took over the farm
from my parents, so we're still there,

farming peanuts.

Danny? Like, "Danny" Danny?

Cool.

But I also have
a half-finished online law degree.

That's awesome.

Laying it out like that,
that sounds really fucking depressing.

So, yeah, I'm glad you're okay.
I'm just, I'm really...

You can't go out there, actually.

Because, um...

Because I need you to sniff my forehead.

I'm serious, because they're all
talking shit about me out there

and it's the only thing
that makes me feel better,

- so come on, do it.
- I'm not going to sniff your forehead.

Sniff it. I need you to, please.

- It's so weird.
- Please.

- It's weird.
- Please. It makes me feel so much better.

- No.
- Come on.

Come on, sniff it.

Oh, you fucking did it!

Oh, my God, Zoe! You made me do that.

- You...
- Ah!

Please, just stay here.

Because I don't want
the CliffsNotes of your life. Okay?

You can go back out there,
back to the farm,

back to real life, any old time,

but for now, please, just stay
and have a drink with me.

It's been a decade.

One drink.

- Excellent.
- Then I have to go.

Fine, but I'm keeping these for now.

Are Tegan and Megan still here?

Uh, yeah, last I heard,
they were out on the fingering bench.

Fantastic. Then I will see you shortly,
you friggin' weirdo.

You riding a unicorn
that's peeing itself on a pink cloud.

Oh, shit, it's the gracious
runner-up herself.

Thought you were MIA.

Tegan.

Megan.

Oi.

Do you remember a chick from our year
called Laura Cunningham?

Uh...

- No, why?
- She died, dude.

- Yeah, look, there's a sad little plaque.
- Buh-bam.

Some bitches getting married,
some popping out kids,

this chick is getting hymens
wiped all of her memorial plaque

every time there's a school disco.

R.I.P.

Sad.

Um...

Do you have anything stronger?

- Ooh!
- Okay.

You want to go up or down, girlfriend?

Up. Real fast.

Fast enough to forget how badly

I interpreted the dress code, right?

- Look, no payment necessary.
- Oh!

What you did on The Match was peak TV.

- I was living.
- Oh, living.

Happy to be of service.

Thanks.

Um...

Is everything good out here?

Fucking A. Beautiful spot
to avoid those judgmental bitches.

Great.

Laura Cunningham,
I bequeath this joint upon thine lips.

Puff, puff, puff.

- Better?
- Damn fucking yes, bitches!

Ooh, wow.

No, I wouldn't call myself a hero,
but if you want to, that's fine.

I don't understand how you can call me
your best friend and unfollow my dog.

- Doesn't really seem...
- Second wind, here I come.

Ugh!

Oh, my God, and...

But it's more than that...

And it's like, being a doctor,
like, it's, it's not a job for me,

you know what I mean?
It's more of a vocation.

Uh, Sandy, there's a line.

- Settle down, Pepé Le Poo.
- Don't call me that.

Well, don't shit yourself at grade-nine
camp and we won't have to, PLP.

She wasn't even here in grade nine.

It's like you never left
oh, captain, my captain.

Actually, um, on that topic...

Ooh, Too Cools in the photobooth.

Wait for me, fellow TCs.

Why do white women always feel
the need to do shit like this?

Hey, Zoe.

Can I grab my keys?
I need to... I need to go.

You can't leave. It's the dance.

I don't know the dance.
I wasn't here, remember?

It's okay, it's fine.
We'll teach you. It's super easy.

Not all of us are willing
to make a fool of ourselves

for excitement's sake, Zoe.

I guess I should just be grateful that
you're actually saying goodbye this time

instead of just disappearing, huh?

Can I get my keys, please, Zoe?

Do you know how that felt, Amelia?

Getting shafted between my parents,
and then you just ghosted me, too?

I don't know what I was
expecting from you.

Oh, yeah, no, cool.

Cool, just bail.

Because that's what you do. See ya.

What the fuck?

Um...

We have a... a situation
at the fingering bench.

Uh, just checking,
you guys see it too, right?

'Cause either there's water everywhere

or this THC really is the fucking tits,

you know?

Oh, my fucking God!

Guys, guys.

Ladies of Ridge Heights!

Let's stay calm!

It's just a flash flood.

Pepé, we're on top of a fucking mountain.

- I don't think we're tripping.
- No, old classic, eh?

Fuck!

No, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?

Well, someone's gotta help them.
They're clearly off their faces.

There might be diseases
and stuff in the water.

Uh, medically speaking,
it's a bad idea, right, Renee?

Uh...

Yes. Medically speaking, don't do it.

- It's okay.
- Zoe.

Wait up, Sas.

Yeah. Yes.

Come. Come.

I'm too young and beautiful to...

Don't abandon us, I'm scared!

I just farted out of my butthole.

Well, I guess we can't go in the water.

- I have an idea.
- Melly was fucking there right after me.

It's fuchsia, not salmon.

Shut up, Sandy.

Ladies! Stop!

As former school captain,
I believe the best course of action

is to leave Tweedledum and Tweedledickhead
up there until the waters go down.

Wait, Pepé, weren't you
caretaker school captain?

Stop calling me that.

Are you going to say anything, Saskia?

Little nickname still sticks.

Yeah. Don't call her that.

Okay. I cannot find my fucking bag,
and no one is helping me look.

It's not the most important thing.

It is important right now.

I have an idea.

What if we tied all the balloons
from the party together

and place the trestle table
on top of some kind of flotation device?

Sorry. Who are you?

Laura Cunningham.

Wait, aren't you dead?

Uh, n... No, no.

Uh, yes, you are.

We put a memorial plaque
on the fingering bench and everything.

Oh, that's nice.

But I'm not dead.

Wouldn't you have figured that out
when you realized there was no funeral?

Which means no one came to my funeral.

- Shit, sorry, Caitlin.
- It's Laura.

Net balls will be way more buoyant
than balloons,

so why don't we raid the sports shed
for all of the net balls that we can find?

And find my bag.

It's a D'Amiré. I...

- Zoe...
- Net balls! Let's go

- I can't do it.
- Yes, you can.

Just move your fat ass
and inch down like I did.

Fuck you, Tegan.
Not all of us have man arms like you.

Well, fuck you. Stay there.

Believe in yourself!

Just don't panic!

Slow down your breathing. It'll help!

- Zoe.
- Just start backing down, Megan.

Zoe, you said something
about cracks rumbling?

What if there's biting dolphins, huh?

- What?
- I'm... Mmm.

What did you mean when you said
the Earth was gushing?

The seal's not there anymore, Megan.

Can we talk about this
a little bit later, please?

I'm kind of busy right now.

Not the seals, the biting dolphins!

What's she talking about?

Now I'm blanking.

Zoe.

Please. Come on!

Oh, the ones that got, like, a pig face.

And they look a bit,
"Eh, how are you going?"

- Zoe, what did you mean?
- Shut up.

Oh, oh, oh, dugongs!

Dugongs!

Dugong! Yes, a fucking dugong!

Zoe, please. What was leaking?

Oh, my God. Fine, fine.

Okay? All of this fucking
weird shit was going down,

and then these cracks started
opening up in the ground,

and all this water was gushing out, okay?

You knew it was fucking flooding
and you didn't think to say anything?

What? I did. I tried to tell you.

Nobody listened to me.
You all thought I was crazy.

Just lower yourself like Tegan!

- No, Zoe. You just got drunk.
- You can do it.

Just fucking jump!

This is going well.

It's going really well.

- Say what?
- Net, over.

- Net, net, over.
- Uh-huh.

- Net, over.
- Let's go. Net...

Amelia, hey, what's wrong?

She knew.

She knew it was flooding,
or gushing, actually,

if you consult Zoey's thesaurus.

Yeah, okay, I knew
some weird shit was going on.

I told you guys that.

I didn't know Noah's bloody Ark
was coming up the hill, did I?

You knew?

- You knew?
- She just got wasted anyway.

- Hang on.
- Oh, my God, America!

Does anybody know
what is happening in the Americas?

I need to find Constable!
Where the hell is my bag?

- It is a...
- D'Amiré.

Jesus, we fucking know.

For God's sake, Zoe,
you should have screamed black and blue.

Plus, you owe us 40 bucks for the pill.

Yeah, you don't get freebies
when you knew shit and didn't say shit.

I did say shit!

What? Okay. Yeah, fine. Sure.

I knew something was up, but, like,

isn't it better that we're up here
instead of out there?

- Huh.
- Like, me not harping on about it

actually is kind of the best
possible thing for us.

Like, I kind of saved our lives.

You know what?
That dude on The Match was right, Zoe.

You're just
an attention-craving fame whore.

Good to see you haven't changed a bit.

I haven't changed?

That's a good one, Sandy.

I have been back with you bitches
for one night,

and already I know
that Genevieve is still a fucking knock.

Saskia is still a bitch.

She's just got a marketing team
to hide behind now.

Renee is still a freaking try-hard.
Phoebe is a soulless workaholic.

Tegan and Megan,
still fucking drug addicts.

Laura, who even are you, honestly?

Sandy, what are you even doing here?

You went to the school for one year
and shat on it the whole time.

Like, why did you come?

And you...

You're a disappointment.

You were supposed to be remarkable.

And now you're a redneck
peanut farmer living in bumfuck nowhere

with your dead shit
high school sweetheart.

Honestly, if I don't see you again
for another ten years,

it's fucking fine by me.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Pull me back, pull me back!

Mels.

What?

Oh, almost forgot.

Oh, shit!