Chuck (2007–2012): Season 5, Episode 5 - Chuck Versus the Hack Off - full transcript

Here are a few things
that you might need to know.

You need to learn there are
repercussions for your actions.

So, you're under arrest.

- For what?
- Attempted homicide.

John Casey, you're under arrest
for murder.

How are you holding up?

The government
I proudly served for 20 years

has locked me up
with the scum of the earth.

I'm great.

Hold out your hand.

What is that?



We have a plan
to get you out of here.

Just take it, okay?
Do you have any idea

how hard it is to shrink
blueprints down to this size?

The guy at Kinkos
thought I was crazy.

Put that away.
I am not breaking out of prison.

There is a very strong case
against you.

Escape might be your only option
to get your life back.

If I break out of prison,
I'm a fugitive.

I don't run from the law.
I am the law!

Decker has me in here for a reason.

I'm gonna sit tight,
keep my head down,

you figure out
what his angle is, okay?

- Fine.
- You gonna be okay in here?

Yeah...



if that one doesn't drive me insane.

Okay, I admit it,

I tried to poison you
to keep you subordinate.

- What is the big deal?
- I could have died.

But you didn't!

Recently I put some people
that I care about through a...

through some rough times.

That's the thing: true friendship is,

it's confusing, isn't it?

Look, guys, please, just,

tell me what I have to do
to get out of this place.

It's so simple.

Jeff has agreed to drop all charges
under one condition.

You promise not to poison
him anymore.

Yeah, I'm sorry,
I can't promise that.

Wake up, man! You are gonna get
yourself killed in this...!

You know what? It doesn't
matter. I don't care, all right?

Good luck in prison.

You know what?
No, good luck to you both

finding a better Indian guy
in your life or at the Buy More!

I will see you both in hell!

Which is just what I call
"visiting hours".

John, let's go back inside,
bench press some poundage.

I'm gonna look like a Hindu Michelangelo
by the time I get out of here.

- Why, you...
- John, move!

I told him I was in here
for parking tickets.

It takes every fiber of my body

not to drop that barbell
right on his throat.

Visiting hours are now over.

I gotta get back in there.

Check into Decker,

but be careful.
He's capable of anything.

I can't help feeling like Casey going
to prison is all my fault.

What? Why would you say that?

'Cause I'm the genius
who started the private spy company

and convinced you both
to work with me.

That's not true. Decker wanted Casey
in jail no matter what.

I mean, whether we worked
for ourselves or the CIA,

it doesn't really matter.

And I'm not just saying that
to make you feel better.

Well, maybe a little.

Thank you.

Sorry for the theatrics
getting you here.

Sometimes it's just more fun

to knock somebody out
and toss them in a van.

Why'd you bring us here?

I need you to do a job for me.

You throw our partner in jail
and now you want a favor from us?

In exchange, I will make
all of his charges disappear.

Think of Mr. Casey as a
giant slab of leverage.

We all know that stubborn
bastard will rot in prison

unless I say otherwise.

You have the entire CIA
under your thumb. Why us?

This mission involves some extremely
dangerous technological terrorism.

Sure, I have agents
who can write code,

but none who can do
it as well as you can

and handle themselves in the field.

There's no room for error here.

We need you.

We're listening.

We've been tracking
a computer supervirus

named the "Omen."

Tech has only able to uncover
bits and pieces,

but they assured me they've
never seen anything like it:

metamorphic code capable of erasing

100 zettabytes of data per second.

What does any of that mean?

It means that this virus could
essentially wipe out

every database in the world
in five seconds.

And just as we were
zeroing in on its origin,

all signs of it disappeared.
That's why I need you.

Locate the Omen, bring it back to me,
Mr. Casey goes free.

And what if we say no?

I have men on the inside who can make
your friend's life a living hell.

Though, to be honest,

I imagine hell will have
no trouble finding him in there.

No fights.
Keep your nose clean.

Harder than I thought.

What do you think
you're doing, inmate?!

Sorry if I got too physical.

It's the uniform.

Don't apologize.
I actually enjoyed it.

Thought you would.

I'm glad you came to see me.
I have something to discuss with you.

I'm all for business,

but first,

wouldn't you like to take advantage
of your state-given right?

What right is that?

A conjugal visit.

I would very much like
to take advantage of that right.

I thought you might.

Chuck 5x05
Chuck Versus the Hack Off

I'm assuming you don't want
to stay over.

Maybe next time.

What's on your mind?

Listen, Bartowski and Walker
are damn good spies,

but I don't like that they're down a man,
especially if Decker is up to something.

So you want me my team to track them?

- Make sure they're safe?
- Not your team, you.

I figured you could take my place.

Right, I'm gonna take orders
from Ward and June Cleaver.

It was just a suggestion.

Well, stop making suggestions.

Okay. I'm done.

It is hard to say no to you.

I know.

I hate this.

Do you remember why we started
Carmichael Industries to begin with?

Corporate discount
on the pinball machine, right?

We did it to gain independence.

And where are we now?
Beholden to Decker,

the exact type of person
we said we'd never deal with again.

Stop it. You know we're doing this
to find Casey.

I know, I know.

All right, let's find us
a virus, shall we?

What is happening?

Is that, is that chardonnay?

I haven't seen this in a long time.
We used to call this routine,

"The Routine".

That's very creative.

Chuck has quite a reputation
as a hacker, you know?

They used to call him "The Piranha."

Swordfish, right?
The movie is based on him.

He doesn't like to talk about it
'cause he doesn't think it was a A-plus film.

Why? I thought it was pretty good.

It's okay, but it had a lot of plot holes
and those hacker scenes were just, like...

Someone coded the name
into the Telix-script!

A little inside joke for anyone
running viral countermeasures.

When The Piranha got really
into a coding session,

he could get a bit giddy.

Yeah, it's kind of cute.

It's also super nerdy.

It's definitely that, too.

Got it!
The name was encrypted.

So I ran an elliptic curve
algorithm to find the key.

And of course after that,
it was cake.

Well, hello, Colin Davis...
the man behind the Omen virus.

Coming your way in three, two, one.

Guy was a head programmer
at The Collective;

a rogue group of technological terrorists
who sold viruses to the highest bidder.

Three months ago, he disappeared
with the key to the virus.

Drop off the grid
crazy-guy style. I like that.

Well, Mr. Colin Davis,

let's see if you left us any clues
as to where you went.

Shoot. I promised Jeff

that I was gonna help him
with this whole Lester thing.

All right, guys, you'll be okay here.

Make sure that he eats.
When he gets all plugged in,

he goes overboard with the chardonnay.
Calls it his "thinking juice."

Thanks, buddy!

Love you!

How's the brain, Mr. Grimes?

It's okay, Thanks.

Casey sent me to help
with this Decker situation.

You'll be so kind
to take me to the newlyweds.

I can't.

I can't bring guests in Castle.

You gonna make me use this?

- You'd shoot me?
- I'd beat you over the head with it.

This is Davis's last known location.
He must've brought the virus here.

Some kind of encampment
behind this barrier.

Looks like some
sort of separatist compound.

There could be
a militia training back there.

Casey would have loved this mission.

And you're aware that you're going
to get yourselves killed without Casey?

I decided to let her in
after we had an adult conversation.

- What are you doing here, Verbanski?
- Ease up,

I'm not here to steal
any of your "precious secrets."

I'm here because
I'm going on this mission with you.

Is that right?

We both want Casey out of jail.

You want your partner back and I...

I hate to see the competition
struggle like this.

As far as I can tell, you need
a sniper on this mission.

I've done some pretty amazing
sniper work on Call of Duty.

I believe I've made my point.

Well, the sniper rifles are
behind you in the armory.

I'll bring my own.

Things can get nasty really fast,

if you're not running with the crowd.

- Is that a fact?
- You know, you can use some friends.

And we could use some muscle
like you in the yard.

I'll expect your answer tonight.

Dude, this place is no joke.

Especially for a guy
with unpaid parking tickets.

What do you want?

Look, I've seen Caged Heat,
I know how to survive in prison.

You gotta be the shot-caller,

and I think I've figured out
how to do that.

Caged Heat was a women's
prison movie.

The lessons remain the same, John.

Hey, homes.
Got that 12-gauge you wanted, man.

Word.

- Drop it in my cell.
- Done.

All right.
Easier than I thought.

Sounds like some military drill.

I'll look for cover.
Get ready for action.

Okay, this is definitely
not a militia...

Sarah, I think we walked into a cult.

Way ahead of you.
Strip. Now.

What are you doing?

- What are you doing?
- Joining a cult.

Strip. Come on.

Now keep a close eye.

- I really have no place to hide a gun.
- Not too close, though.

- I'm serious, no looking, thank you.
- Calm down. No one's looking anything.

Not much to look at, anyway.

That's not fair.
Nothing to be ashamed of.

Children, are you lost?

Can I help the new arrivals
find their way?

We were told to come here
to seek enlightenment.

Then enlightenment you shall find.

Please, help yourself to some robes.

Welcome...

to the Church of the Eternal Wind.

Thank you.

We have uninvited guests.
Find out who they are.

We have a situation.

It's a little... chilly under here.

These are very short robes.

Well, the church believes
that the spirit enters from underneath.

That's a totally natural entry point.

That's an interesting pendant.

I imagine it has some kind
of significance for you?

All members of the church wear a pendant
to remind them of their past lives.

I worked on Wall Street,
lived the fast life.

Till I came here.

Not looking for a life story here.

Figure out where Davis is,
locate the virus.

My patience is wearing thin.

My wife and I were looking
for an escape from our everyday chaos,

and then our friend
Colin Davis recommended we come

and check out your church here.

Colin... what a caring man.

Now we call him Moon Meadow.
That's his wind name.

Do you know
where we could find Moon Meadow?

We'd love to see him.

I believe he's leading a drum circle,
in the garden.

It's mostly free-form,
experimental drumming.

There'll be some jamming as well.

- Sounds like fun.
- Yeah! Let's go check it out.

How you holding up, man?

I didn't think it would be
this hard without Lester.

I'm starting to forget him.

I can't even picture
what Lester looks like anymore.

Close your eyes.

Imagine David Beckham.

Lester's a shorter,
feminine version of his wife.

Right.
I can see him now.

When I went through my dark period,
I alienated a lot of friends.

But thankfully, I was able to realize
what I was about to lose in time.

We just have to make sure he knows
what's slipping away here.

I totally get it.

It reminds me when my dad tried
to win back my mom

when he heard she was having sex
with Uncle Steve.

They ended up as a threesome.

I had a messed-up childhood.

Yeah, you actually did.
But, you know what?

It actually gives me a great idea
how to handle Lester.

Not a threesome.

They dropped everything
and came here.

- Can you imagine?
- Yeah, it's crazy.

I don't know
what I'd do if I left the spy life.

Sometimes I'm so caught up in it,
I can't think of a world outside of it.

You're really good at computers, Chuck.
I mean, you love them.

Yeah, maybe.

I got eyes on Davis.

I'm in position

to shoot any
and all of these filthy hippies.

It's almost like Casey never left.

Stay focused.
It's over as soon as we find the virus.

So let's just get in and get out.

I found their clothes.

And these were with them.

Wrap up the Phish concert,
make a move.

You got some skills.

As do you, my friend.

So, uh, you worked in tech?

A lifetime ago.

And this, would've been
my crowning achievement.

Till I walked away.

I used to work in computers, as well.

- You mind if I take a look at that?
- No, I couldn't.

It's against church policy
to ever remove your pendant.

I take it off twice a month,
when I shower.

Intruders! We have intruders!

We've been made.

Get the chip,
I'll take care of the guards.

After her... go, go, go!

Leave me alone!

Colin, I'm trying to help you!
God help me!

Too much tree cover.

I don't have a shot.
I'm coming down.

- Wait up!
- Go away!

I'm trying to help!

Some of our members
have a checkered past.

They pay a lot for enlightenment,
as well as protection.

Looks like you walked
into the wrong cult, bitch.

No, it's okay...

I vowed never to let anybody have
this virus, no matter what I had to do.

No, no, stop!

Come on!

Come on!
Get it out of there!

Give me the chip!

Davis?

Where's the chip?

I hid it.

Inside him.

So he swallowed it.

Yes, he did.

Hey! Honey!

- You all right?
- Never better.

I need your help.

Davis swallowed the chip.
We gotta get him out of here now.

Let's cover up his... guys,
can we find him some pants?

Decision time.

You gonna join us?

Not interested.

Thought you might say that.

You touch one hair on his head,

and I will pull your plug.

Mark my words, son.

Step back or your nights
will get real long.

Real long.

Step back!

- What the hell?
- I told you,

I figured out a way to become
the shot caller in here.

Now, any of these people
get out of line,

I will pull their plugs.

Literally, I'll pull their plugs.
I've been using my Buy More skills

to set up cable and Internet
for the inmates.

Of course you have.

In fact, I just got a shipment
of 12-gauge electrical wire

that is making installations a snap.

Now these monsters are petrified

because I can take their
tech away at any moment.

That sounds like a good plan.

I know.

All right, I'll see you in the yard.

Please let me go.
This is a mistake.

I promise you
we're not gonna hurt you.

We just need to wait
for the chip to...

you know, complete its journey,
and then you can go free.

You don't understand.
The virus is too dangerous

to be released into the world.
It could wipe out everything.

I knew I should've
destroyed it, but...

it was my finest work.

You know, I just... couldn't.

I understand.

I tried to get out of that life,
and now it's sucking me back in.

It's like I'm trying
to outrun something

I shouldn't have done
in the first place.

I get it, Colin.
Believe me, I do.

And I assure you,
we're the good guys here.

I hope to God
you're telling me the truth.

There are two parts to the virus:

a chip and a distribution device...

it's like a modded USB drive.

You insert the chip into the device,

and the virus can be uploaded...

to any system.

I'm hoping you didn't
swallow the device, as well.

No, it's still locked up
at The Collective,

my former employer.

Right.

So what you're saying
then is we just need

to sneak past a few hackers
and get the device back?

No, it's not that easy.

There are some
extremely dangerous people

selling these viruses.

Can you help us get in?

Best I can do is access
the schematics of the building,

show you where they're
storing the device.

Okay, great.
That's a great start.

Thank you.
I'll go grab a computer.

Is there anything I can get you while
I'm up? Our kitchen's fully stocked.

Sandwich? Nachos?

We have some of those
gourmet jellybeans.

You have the kind that tastes
like buttered popcorn?

I think I can make that happen.

A snack?

Casey's in lockdown,
and this jerk wants jellybeans?

We should just cut him open
and get that chip out right now.

You know, I know that we're not
partners or friends

or anything like that,
but are you okay?

You seem to be on edge ever since
we started the mission. I'm fine.

Really? Because we can
talk about it if you want.

We don't talk, okay?

I'm just off.

Stop trying to be my shrink.

Okay.

Is it about Casey?

I just noticed that you have
some emotions for him.

Can we stop with this garbage
and just get to work?

You can still have feelings
for somebody and still be a good spy.

And be like you and Mr. Hospitality?
That's my fate?

No.

No, no, no.

So I've been noticing
Lester popping up online

about the same time every day.

- Fancy prison.
- Yeah, right.

We initiate a chat,

and then we begin Operation:
Scare Lester Straight.

Ready?

Hello, friends.

Guess you couldn't live without me?

Hey, listen, I'm sorry
to tell you this,

but we've been interviewing people
to fill your spot at the Buy More.

Come on. Right.

What, are you gonna just replace me?

Actually, he just showed up.

Who is this fool?

This is our new Nerd Herder,
Vali Chandrasekaren.

Come on!

That is a pretty stupid name.
Where are you from, Mr. Fake Name?

Look at my face.

You can't tell I'm from Montreal,
like all true Hinjews?

No, you did not.

I did. And I am.

I just wanted to say thanks
for giving up your spot at the Buy More.

Some great people here.

I'm excited to start
getting to know everybody.

Lester, you should hear
this guy's singing voice.

- Like an angel.
- Come on. It really is though.

O Canada

That's just a little bit.

- My word.
- Many people say it's the type of voice

that would go perfectly
with a... I don't know... keytar.

May I have a moment alone
with Jeffrey, please?

Of course. Sure.

Well done.
Perfect. You nailed it.

Your voice...
You really underplayed it.

- No, it's fine.
- Yeah.

You earned this.

This one's just Wi-Fi.

The Indian Modeling Agency,
they said that

you'd give me one of the good
ones if I helped you out, so...

You know this comes out of my salary.

Don't care one bit.

Jackpot!

Who's the new guy?

Don't worry about it.
I'll find out myself.

You know, it is amazing.

They're like little
popcorn pills, you know?

What are you doing?
He agreed to help us.

I just wanted to extend
our full hospitality

to our guest,
make sure he's perfectly

comfortable while we wait

patiently for the chip.

I was just telling your partner...

He's not my partner. Go on.

The Collective has
an unbreakable security system.

But it does have one weakness.

It can be manipulated

from the inside.

Man, these jellybeans taste... funny.

Just speeding up
the process a little bit.

You've got something on your shirt.

My God!

Keep it in the can.
Keep it in the trash can.

What do you think?
Do I look like a hacker?

- Is the beanie overkill?
- You look perfect.

Okay, I found a duct opening

on the east corner,
just below the roof.

We have our entry.

At exactly 2200 hours,
we'll be in the server room,

waiting for you to override
the security system.

Got it.
Be careful, babe.

You too.

I'm here for a job.

You realize what happens
if you don't get the job?

I do.

Welcome to The Collective,
the very best of the very best.

You said you want a job.

Let's prove it.

Sit.

Okay.
Hi.

Freddie is my best programmer.

If you can prove your skills
up against him,

then you have the job.

But if you fail...

you might not be so fortunate.

So, a good old-fashioned
hack off, huh?

Great. Perfect.

I'm just gonna take a moment
to get prepared, if you don't mind.

Once you've had Rombauer, you just
can't go back to any other Chardonnay.

Who are you?

I've been out of the game
for a little while,

- but they used to call me The Piranha.
- There's no way.

Let's do this, huh?

The first person that hacks
into Federal Reserve

and transfers one penny
into secure account wins.

Are we clear?

Begin!

Freddie's an expert at subverting
complex security systems.

He is the reason our own system
is so secure.

Yeah, I can tell.

He did a great job.

That's my man.

You seem to know your way
around a computer.

I'm sorry, are we still talking?
I'm kind of busy here.

You actually have a little hiccup there
at the bottom of your page.

A compiler can't optimize a value away
like that. Just want to...

There you go. Rookie mistake.
I'm sure it won't happen again.

Oh, I'm losing!
Better get back to work.

I forgot something.

I'm really good at this!

The servers are in here somewhere.

Can we pull up the schematics?

Fine, I love Casey!
Just, geez, stop grilling me!

So, do you want to talk about it?

I've just been a wreck
since Casey went to prison.

I had no idea I had such
strong feelings for him,

and now I'm petrified
this could actually turn into something.

Maybe you're looking at it
the wrong way.

What, we're gonna become
a couple, have some kids,

and then I gotta quit the spy business
because it's too dangerous?

Relationships are
all about communication.

Big life changes don't really just
spring up on you like that.

I couldn't imagine
life away from this.

Do you really think
it's gonna be that bad?

Girls like us,

we don't just leave the spy business.

I've been doing this
since I was 16 years old.

I never had another job,
not my entire life.

I wouldn't even know
what to do if I did.

Stop right there!

How about you?

Could you do anything else?

Thanks.

This might be it.

Chuck, I've got the device.
Let's get out of here.

Thanks for the help.
Hope you enjoyed losing.

Done!

One penny transferred out of the Federal
Reserve into a secure account.

Easy.

A little too easy if you ask me.
And honestly, who want a penny?

So...

I hacked into the Buy More
and got us all flat screens.

With extended warranties,
I might add.

You are clearly very talented.

Unfortunately, I don't care
that you are talented.

We have all the flat screens
that we need.

Before you use that I've got
a little business tip for you.

And what is that?

You should really look into finding
a better security expert.

Freddie! Alarms!

Fixed it!

Find him!

Guys, I'm in trouble!
Coming your way!

I don't think I got the job.

Let's get out of here.
Go, go, go!

Your plan worked.

As soon as Lester saw the other
better Lester, he changed his tune.

That's fantastic!

He said he wouldn't poison me anymore,
so I dropped the charges.

He'll be back at work tomorrow.

I can't wait.

This wasn't really about
me and Lester, was it?

Mm, I don't know.

There's someone who hasn't
forgiven your dickish behavior.

And you need to right that wrong.

I'm talking about John Casey.

I know, dude.
I'm not brain damaged.

I'm sorry. Too soon?
That's... I don't...

You want me to do the talking?

No. It was supposed to be
me and Chuck.

We don't want to do anything
to spook Decker.

You should probably
make yourself scarce.

So, I've been, uh,

I've been thinking about life
after the spy game.

What do you mean?

Maybe you're right.
I'm great with computers.

Maybe Carmichael Industries
isn't a spy firm.

Maybe it's a tech company.

What do you think?

What would my job be
at Carmichael Industries?

What would I do?

He's here.

- Did you bring the virus?
- The deal?

It's still good?
John Casey goes free?

Here.

What are you planning
on doing with it?

This?

The real question is,
what do you plan to do with it, Chuck?

What are you talking about?

I got some good footage

of you and your team in possession
of the most dangerous

computer virus in the world.

Don't worry,

we'll release the virus,
but you'll get the blame.

That should get you on the FBI's
most wanted list pretty quickly.

So, this was a setup.
You set us up?

Now that I think of it,

it was pretty irresponsible
to release Casey

into the hands
of his criminal colleagues.

That's enough of this nonsense.

You release Casey now.

What's happening
is bigger than just me.

The Plan is in motion.
It's too late for all of you.

It's just a shame that Casey had
to be the first to die.

Give me one reason not to kill you.

Go ahead.
It will only further prove your guilt.

So, I suggest
you get your hands off me

and get a little head start,

because soon,
people will be hunting Chuck,

the way they hunted Bin Laden.

Go.

Let's go.
Let's go right now.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Don't worry,

I left a little consolation prize.

- He deserved that.
- Go, go! Come on!

It was all a setup, huh?

Chuck was gonna be the fall guy,

and you were never
getting out of here alive.

John, your team needs you now.

Okay.
What do we do about Decker?

- I already took care of him.
- You didn't.

I have to disappear for a while.

I understand.

We could've been something.

Still can be.

Perhaps someday.

Surveillance changes
shifts in two minutes.

So we gotta get into the heating duct
before they realize that you're gone.

You're gonna break me
out of here alone?

No.

I found someone who cares
about you as much as I do.

Prisoner transfer
from CB-11, section 38.

Copy that.

I missed you, big guy.

What plan was Decker talking about?
Why would he want to frame you?

I don't know,
but I intend to find out.

If he was telling the truth,

then we're already in deeper
than we know.

I was wrong about
quitting the spy life.

Because right now,

we've got to be the best
spies we've ever been, okay?