Chuck (2007–2012): Season 2, Episode 15 - Chuck Versus the Beefcake - full transcript

Ugh. Who's the stiff?

The corpse
was dug up from a CIA dump site.

The grave belonged to Brad White.

It's one of the Fulcrum agents
who ran the Intersect test on Chuck.

- Why would they rob his grave?
- We need you to find out.

We picked up that whatever they took is
potentially game-changing intelligence.

You want us to grab Chuck?

I don't think that's necessary yet.

But keep a close eye on the asset
until we have further information.

Don't let him out of your sight.

Chuck, it's Sarah.
Don't you wanna answer it?



I'll, you know...
I'm gonna see her later anyway, so...

Yeah. Sometimes you gotta play
hard to get.

Cold and detached
is a very powerful aphrodisiac, babe.

So is abstinence. You wanna try it?

Not getting involved.

The other night, you said
some pretty heavy things about Sarah.

About her not being the one.

Well, you know,
I mean, we've got our issues.

But don't worry, sis.
It'll all work itself out.

No, Chuck. It won't.
That's what you always say.

You have to take control of your life
if you wanna move forward.

You said you'd work at the Buy More
temporarily. It's been five years.

It's just... It's not so easy breaking up
with Sarah Walker, you know?

It's a little complicated.



I know, I know. And I love Sarah.

I just think that if she's not the one,
you gotta tell her.

You're not just hurting her,
you're hurting yourself.

Do you have any idea what it's like to be
in a relationship so upsetting...

...it keeps you up at night?

- Vaguely familiar.
- I don't think you do, man.

Look at me. I haven't slept in days.

You know, if I don't get
at least 12 hours, I'm a basket case.

- Something wrong with you and Anna?
- We're really good.

No, it's my mom and Big Mike.
They're like teenagers.

They just keep going at it
and keep going at it.

The man moans
like a wounded sea lion.

I was just wondering if I could just crash
with you till this whole thing blows over.

- Yeah, I'll run it by Ellie and Awesome.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Mm-hm.

Screening my calls?

Hey. No. No. No.
Yes, a little.

I've been meaning to talk to you.

I was waiting for the right time.
I've been slammed here at work.

Can I buy you a frozen yogurt?

Sure.

- So, what did you wanna talk about?
- You can go first.

Mine's spy-related,
and I have a feeling yours isn't.

Um... Ahem.

- I wanted to talk about us.
- You wanna break up again?

I caught some chatter through bites
of cereal on the surveillance tap.

- Sorry, it's an occupational hazard.
- Um...

Of course.

Look, Sarah, it's not you.

- It's me.
- Not the best idea to give...

...the it's-not-you-it's-me speech
to an assassin.

I was warming up into original terrain.

Can you give us a minute,
please, Casey?

Um... Ahem.

Look, Sarah, you know
how much I care about you.

It's just getting so complicated
lying to my sister and my friends.

I don't even know what lie I'm telling.

Tell them we're taking things slowly...

...and that while we enjoy each other's
company, we don't need to label it.

And who knows
what the future holds for us?

But that's just another lie, isn't it?
We'll never really be together.

Exactly. Exactly.

And that's why I think
we should break up.

- Is that what you really want?
- Yes, it is.

Great. The most annoying romance
of my life is over.

Downstairs, now. Come on.

We were able to lift a print
off the body bag.

It seems the grave was robbed
by a Fulcrum agent, Cole Barker.

Seems like a real ladies' man.

He arrived at LAX this morning
and took a cab to The Standard Hotel.

That's where he's going
to meet his Fulcrum contact...

...and make a handoff.

Agent Walker will attempt to retrieve
the intelligence he's carrying...

...using any means necessary.
That's all.

Can we get a little closer
on this picture of Cole?

Maybe push in on his groinal area?

You seeing something you like
down there, Bartowski?

Oh.

Okay, I just flashed and the intelligence
is in Cole's belt buckle.

Huh.

Well, you're gonna have
to get his pants off, Walker.

Good thing Bartowski dumped you.

Grimes. Or should I call you son?

Who are all those geeks
at the Customer Service desk?

You were supposed to hire
a new green shirt today.

Wanna do the interview?

Get a little taste
of what the power of management is?

Why can't you do it?

Your mama asked me to stop
by the house and take care of things.

Hasn't been a man around in a while,
certain things have become, ahem...

...neglected.
- Like what?

- Oh...
- Uh, the... The plumbing's a mess.

I got to get there
and lay down some pipe.

I gotta snake the drains.

Make sure everything's
running smoothly again.

- Oh, God.
- You're in charge, son.

Just think,
all this could be yours someday.

Mm.

I wish we could hire a green shirt
that looked like that.

Hey, you've got too much
on your plate, emotionally.

- Jeff and I can help with the interviews.
- That's, um, oddly sensitive of you.

- And I appreciate it. Thank you.
- Yeah, no. Absolutely.

- You know what I'm thinking?
- No.

Casting couch.

- Follow me.
- I kind of like her.

And her. Wait.

Why are these babes
gonna get busy with us, again?

The casting couch is a long-honored
tradition between men and women.

We offer fame and fortune.

They offer themselves.

For a job as a green shirt?

Ah. For the opportunity of a lifetime.

A high-paying modeling job
at Burbank's finest electronics store.

May I present to you...

...the Buy More babe.

Oh...

Lester, you're a genius.

Game on. Beefcake just stepped in.

- Can I get you anything?
- I'll have a martini. Straight up.

Where's his contact?

Do I have an Intersect in my head?
Look around.

We don't have much time,
so get to his room, get his belt off.

Make it a quickie.

Maybe there's, uh... Maybe there's
a better way to do this, you know.

Throw a sack over his head,
drag him outside.

Come on, Casey,
you're always up for a good mugging.

Can't risk his contact seeing us.

What's the matter, Bartowski?
Afraid of a little competition?

- Morgan, what are you doing here?
- Chuck didn't tell you? Oh, man.

This is kind of embarrassing.

My mom is, uh, romantically involved
with my boss from work.

So I need a place to stay.

- Big Mike's boning Bolonia?
- Gross, honey.

- Morgan, look...
- Listen, EII.

It'll just be for a few days, okay?
And I promise I will earn my keep.

I've taken the liberty
of drawing a bubble bath...

...and ice-cold martinis.

Dry with olives.

- Well, thank you.
- Now, off to the tub with you.

The roast will be
out of the oven soon.

Roast is in the oven.

Cole's Fulcrum contact
is gonna be here any minute.

Time to let it all hang out.

I'm just wondering if it's safe for Sarah
to be alone with such a dangerous guy.

It's okay, Chuck. I've got protection.

And besides, we have a safe word.

If I ask for any Cristal champagne,
Casey will know I'm in trouble.

She'll be fine. Trust me.

It's not like it's her first time.

Hi.

I noticed you sitting alone.

Very observant.

Do you want some company?

Not really.

Well, neither do I.

But, uh, the problem is,
if I sit alone at the bar...

... then every guy is
gonna think I'm lonely and desperate.

And try and take a shot
at a total stranger.

Isn't that what
you're doing right now?

Guilty as charged.

If we're gonna continue
this conversation...

...I think I should make one thing
abundantly clear.

I'm not a very nice guy.

Good, because I'm not into nice guys.

Really?

And why is that?

Well, all they want to do is talk about
their feelings and emotions.

And sometimes what a woman
really wants is a man who acts.

Well, then why don't we stop talking
and take this up to my room?

You have my word,
nothing nice will happen.

Good girl, Walker.

- What floor?
- Hit 11.

Here we go. Hot plate.

This is incredible, Morgan.

I mean, it is truly awesome.

Yes.

You know, food is kind of like
a seductress, you know?

I'll give you a little tidbit.

I scored Anna
by serving myself ? la mode.

It's just a shame
Chuck couldn't be here.

Although I'm pretty sure he's enjoying
his own delicious meal right about now.

And of course I mean Sarah Walker.

Yeah, if he hasn't
broken up with her yet.

Uh, why on God's green earth would he
ever, ever break up with Sarah?

Ask Ellie. It was her idea.

- Really?
- What?

He said that he didn't think
she was the one.

There are a few precious things
I know anything about in this world.

Chuck's one of them.
Believe me, Sarah's the one.

- How do you know?
- It's all over the kid's face.

When Chuck is around Sarah, he is
the Chuck that we always dreamed of.

The Chuck that has the potential
to do anything in the world.

Maybe I shouldn't have told Chuck
to break up.

Look at the bright side, honey.

Chuck said
he was moving out years ago.

It'll be years before
he gets around to breaking up with her.

- Which room is yours?
- Eleven-twenty-one.

It's a suite with a fantastic view...

...giant king-size bed
and a Jacuzzi tub.

You okay?

Who, me? Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

Just curious if I'll be home in time
for Charlie Rose.

You shouldn't listen. Take that out.

I will listen.
In case I flash on something.

Like right now.

The two suits getting into the elevator,
they're Fulcrum.

- They could be the contact.
- You stay here.

I'll handle this.

Hey, guys.

Could you hit eight?

Here we are.

Not so fast, honey.

I usually don't do this
on the first date.

Whoa!

Let me get something from my purse.
Aah!

You're staying right here.

I hope this isn't too rough.

Oh, yeah.

Bartender, something
really strong, please.

- Let's get this belt off.
- Sure thing.

Whoa. Slow down, tiger.

I told you I wasn't a nice guy.

Okay, hands up. NSA.

It'll be okay, ma'am.

Step off the elevator with your baby.

Please don't shoot.

Let's go.

- Unh!
- Kill him.

I'm...

I'm willing to try new things,
but it's getting a little hot in here.

I wonder if we could maybe
grab some champagne.

Maybe some Cristal?

Let's order the lady some Cristal.

Ahh. Tasty. Hit me again.

Hey, I need a bottle of Cristal
for suite 1121.

Sure.

I heard the safe word.
I think Sarah's in trouble.

Got my own problems, Chuck.
Don't be a hero. Get out of here.

Okay, this is getting
a little too dangerous for me right now.

Enough games, sweetheart.
Who do you work for?

Hey. Somebody order room service?
Champagne?

Sarah.

Maybe you should put your dress on.

Because it's a little chilly in here.

We've got the belt and Agent Barker
and we're heading to the car.

- You guys are making a huge mistake.
- We'll deal with you later.

There won't be a later. You have no idea
who you're dealing with.

You think I'm falling for this?
Trust me, you're not that charming.

That's not our ride.

- Who are they?
- Not ours.

Okay, you stay here.
I'm gonna pull fire away from you.

Casey, it's Sarah. We need help now.

Sarah. Sarah.

Listen to me clearly. I'm not a Fulcrum
agent. I'm Ml6 working undercover.

- Why didn't you say anything before?
- I didn't wanna blow my cover.

- How do I know you're not lying?
- Lf you want her to live...

...you don't have a choice.

Do something, or she's already dead.

Thanks.

- Sarah.
- Get down.

Hey. Come with me if you wanna live.

You're not going anywhere.

I want to apologize to you directly,
Agent Barker.

We had no record you were Ml6.

You people just blew
18 months of undercover work.

We did recover the stolen intelligence,
didn't we?

I mean, it wasn't a complete loss.
I'm just saying it wasn't a complete loss.

Information on that chip
is useless without the playback device.

Why?

Fulcrum devised a system to ensure
that information, if intercepted...

...couldn't be read.

My mission was to bring the chip
and find out what's on it.

To do that,
we need the playback device.

I'm ordering you
to stay locked down in Castle...

...until we speak to your superiors
and figure out our next move.

Agent Walker will stay with you.

Make sure you don't get yourself
into any more trouble.

Well, I can think of worse ways
to spend the night.

Funny, but I can't think of any.

You could stay at my house
if you wanted to.

My best friend Morgan
is sleeping on the sofa.

But I don't think he'd mind if you're
there. He has a beard like yours.

Oh...

What's up, babe? Couldn't sleep?

I'm worried about Chuck.

I'm afraid I shouldn't have pushed him
to break up with Sarah.

Well, he's not home. That's a good sign,
if you know what I mean.

Come on, I'll make you a cup of tea.
It'll help you sleep.

Whoa!

Evening.

Talk about low-hanging fruit.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna kill Chuck.

Didn't Chuck tell you I sleep in the buff?
Hey, come on, big guy.

Where are you going?
It's not a big deal. But...

But you know what I'm saying.

Right. Um, so are you sure that
you're okay alone with this guy?

I don't mind staying.

Go home, Chuck, and get some sleep.

I'll see you in the morning.

Okay.

Oh, hey, Chuck. You got a second?

Uh... Yeah, sure.

- So, um, what's the deal with you two?
- The...?

Us two? It's...
You know, it's purely professional.

- Why?
- Uh, because she's hot.

Since there's nothing
going on between you...

...I'm gonna try
and butter that muffin.

Hey. Morning.

- Aren't we missing a houseguest?
- Oh...

Honey. Honey, it'll be okay.

- Your boy dropped trou last night.
- Excuse me?

- Mm-hm.
- The bearded buffoon sleeps au naturel.

Which I respect,
just not on my couch.

Appetite gone. I am so, so sorry.

Yes, let's just forget about it.
Did you talk to Sarah?

I did. And we've decided
that we're just gonna be friends.

Oh.

"Oh"? Oh, what? Didn't you say
that I should break up with her?

That I needed to move forward
with my life, remember?

Yeah, I do remember saying that.
Um...

I just think that once you let her go,
it's gonna be really hard to get her back.

Back? Why would I need
to get her back?

What she means
is that, um, a babe like her...

...is not gonna be
on the market for long, bro.

Seriously, Chuck.
What were you thinking?

Good morning, darling. How come
you never came to bed last night?

I didn't feel like sleep.

Who said anything about sleeping?

Let me make this very clear.

I'm not interested.

Me neither.

I just think your seduction skills
could use a little work.

And I'm offering my services.

Well, you seemed pretty reluctant
in your hotel suite last night.

Well, I didn't wanna blow the cover.

Sarah? Cole?

Cole.

Look, I'm not saying you don't possess
the necessary instruments.

You've been a bit out of practice.
Look at this place.

Locked up in this dungeon.

It's like keeping a Botticelli
in the basement.

No one can appreciate the beauty.

Get dressed.

As you wish.

Oh. Impressive.

Uh...

- Come here.
- What?

We gotta think about it some more.

Next applicant.

So my agent says that the salary
is between four and seven figures.

We are not at liberty
to discuss numbers, I'm afraid.

It means it's completely negotiable.

- Are you not wearing any underwear?
- I don't know. Am I?

I'm confused. Are you the owners?

No, no, no. Our acquaintance's mother
is sleeping with the store manager.

- So basically...
- Don't think of us as bosses.

Think of us as bosses with privileges.

Does your building have
a security-access code?

He's just... Late-night emergencies
are common in this line of work.

So if you're looking
for a sales associate...

...then why do you need to hire
a swimsuit model?

I nearly have a degree in business
from the El Segundo School of Finance.

So some of these concepts
might be over your head.

- I have a business degree from Harvard.
- Ah.

Friendly rivalry. Ha-ha-ha.

- I'm calling my boyfriend.
- Uh...

I'm calling the police.

Who's in charge here?

- Chuck.
- Chuck.

So we can't open it.
How do we get the playback device?

Maybe I can hack the chip.

I've cracked a data drive or two
in my day.

Not like this.

It's more complicated
than stealing video games.

Don't try to be a hero on this one.
Leave it to the pros.

Excuse me, I am a pro.

My job is a certified computer
and electronics technician.

- Great cover.
- It's not a cover, it's his life.

We're gonna read what's on that chip
if we get the playback device.

Maybe my cover is still intact.
I'll call my contact and arrange a meet.

No, that's too dangerous.

It's sweet that you're worried about me,
but I can handle the heat.

It's not that. It's the intelligence
on that chip falling into Fulcrum's hands.

Fine. I'll go without it.
Leave the chip here.

Worst-case scenario,
we smoke out a few Fulcrum agents.

Worst-case scenario,
they catch you and kill you.

Yeah. Well, that's a chance
I'm just gonna have to take.

Give me a chance.
Maybe I can do this.

Chuck, just go back to the Buy More.
We'll call you when it's over.

Hey, don't worry, champ.

Lots of other fish in the sea.

Don't get cute
with that chip, Bartowski.

Know how to handle that?

I need you to smooth things out
with your sis.

I'll wear pajama bottoms.

Not now, Morgan.
I'm in the middle of something.

- Hi. Are you Chuck?
- Yeah. How can I help you?

You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

- Oh...
- Oh!

I told Jeff and Lester
to hire the new green shirt.

And I guess they took a few liberties.

I'm sure they did.

My contact is late.
I don't see him anywhere in this crowd.

Any sign of Fulcrum?

Hard to tell. They all look the same.

There they are. We're on.

Signal Sarah when you see
the playback device, then we'll move in.

- You got the chip?
- You got the playback device?

Someone call for a professional?

Don't tell me
to leave the spy work to the spies.

Wait.

Someone just tripped
the homing device on the microchip.

This guy doesn't have it.
It's coming from Burbank.

It's a setup. Kill him.

Casey, gun.

Hold your position. That's an order.

Cole could be in danger.

He's off the grid.
We're not authorized to be here.

Get back here.

- Drop it.
- No, you drop it.

Don't move.

You almost fooled us, till someone
tried to hack into the real chip.

Bartowski.

And they said it couldn't be done.

Well, that's when they call in
the real pros, isn't it?

- Check it out. The fuzz.
- Oh, God.

One of those models called the cops.

- I told you not to flash them, perv.
- The casting couch was your idea.

Hi.

Hi. Hi. How can I help you?

Bartowski better lock it down.

- Let's get out of here.
- Okay.

That was dumb.

Why do people always insist
on doing things the hard way?

No, no. I assure you, I don't.

What is the hard way?

Oh, my God. This is unbearable.

My back is killing me.
My wrists are chafing.

This is gonna get ugly.
What level is his pain tolerance?

- I'd say about a one out of 10.
- What?

A one?
I'd say I'm at least at an eight.

Chuck, the torture hasn't started yet.

This is the pre-torture?

Okay, okay, put me down for a one.

Sarah. Sarah, I saw it.
I know what's on the chip.

What?

Uh, sorry, mate. It's a bit difficult
to put my fingers in my ears right now.

It's okay, Chuck.

I'm on it. It's me.

Okay. We can't let Fulcrum
ever find out.

No matter what,
you cannot tell them.

I can't... I can't handle torture, Sarah.

You see all those syringes?
You know how I feel about needles.

Don't worry. I'll incite them,
get them to kill us quick.

Interesting plan.

We just have to hold out
until Casey gets here.

Until then, if the pain
becomes unbearable, pass out.

- How?
- Scare yourself.

Shouldn't be too hard.

Glad to see you're all
in such a chatty mood.

The identity of the Intersect
is on that chip.

So who wants to tell me first?

Hey.

Ooh, nice suit.
Where you headed, a funeral?

Yeah, yours if you don't tell me
where Bartowski is.

- He got pinched.
- What?

Cops nabbed him
for indecent exposure.

Guy can't keep it in his pants.

What cops?

A hot woman. Real taskmaster type.
She can frisk me anytime.

Shut up, you idiot. That's how we got
in this mess in the first place.

I would not like to share a cell
with that.

Stop it. I can't take it anymore.
No more torture.

She's torturing me, idiot.

Tell me who the Intersect is, Cole...

...and the pain can end.

Sarah, I can't let them do this.
She's gonna kill him.

No, Chuck, no.
Just keep your mouth shut.

Enough, enough.
Can't you see he's never gonna talk?

Everybody talks.

Cole knows that.

Well, how about it?

You ready to talk,
or should I turn up the heat?

I know what's on the chip.
I watched it.

No, Chuck, no.

It's me.

I'm the one you're looking for.

All along, it was you.

Do you really think the CIA would put
its entire database of secrets...

...inside his head? He's a weakling.

How could they send him
on assignment?

How could he even withstand torture?

It's true. He's just a computer
and electronics technician.

A brave one,
but he's not the Intersect.

Then who is?

Me.

I'm the Intersect.

No, he's not. It's me, okay?

I resent the fact that I couldn't
stand up to torture. Do your worst.

You can stick that incredibly long needle
in my eye, I wouldn't tell you anything.

This needle?

You want me to put this needle...

...in your eye?

You know... You know,
on second thought...

Wake him.

General, we have a situation. I need
surveillance from a NASA satellite.

What's going on, Agent Casey?

Fulcrum's captured the asset.
I suspect he's being tortured.

Dear God. He'll never last.

Aah! It's freezing. No, please.
Please, no more torture.

Enough. We will try...

...a different approach.

Tell me who the Intersect
is by three...

...or I inject Agent Walker
with enough ricin to kill an army.

One, two...

- It's me.
- It's me.

Freeze. CIA. Hands in the air.
Don't move.

- Let me see your hands. Get down.
- Hi.

Don't move.

Get on the ground.

Hands, now.

Up.

Our turn now.

We get to find out everything
you know about Fulcrum.

No, you won't.

Trust me, babe. Everyone talks.

I know.

No!

Fulcrum wins.

Thank you.

What happened?

Well, I fainted
and hit my head on the ground.

Real brave, Bartowski.

I fainted on purpose.

That was my move.
You know I'm terrified of needles.

Oh. So your move was to faint
and his was to endure torture.

We have different methods.

Looks like his method is working.

Keep the ice on that.

Oh, I'm fine.

I'm really proud of you.
It's not easy to withstand torture.

They didn't know
the buttons to push.

I have exceptionally ticklish toes,
you know.

As a child, Ellie was able
to extract information from me at will.

That's good to know.

Besides, you've had
a lot of practice enduring torture...

...with our fake relationship.

You know,
it wasn't completely torture.

We certainly had our moments,
didn't we?

Well, even though it wasn't real,
I'm really gonna miss it.

Look, maybe I made
an impulsive decision.

Well, I guess
I'd better be heading out.

Chuck, thanks for risking your life
for me.

Don't ever do it again.

Don't worry, I won't.

Right, I'll give you two
a couple minutes.

We have to talk about Chuck.

If you know who Chuck really is,
then you pose a security threat.

Someone that I have to handle.

Well, I can't say being handled by you
is an unappealing option.

Understood.

Look, if I've proved anything
to you by now...

...it's that I can keep my word.

Feel free to say no...

...but your government has sent a
fully-Ioaded G4 to fly me to London.

I figure same amount of fuel,
we could go to Fiji.

Sorry, I need to work.

Understood. I'm offering to help you
with your interrogation skills.

- Do these lines actually work?
- Often.

Okay.

Change of tactic. The truth.

I really need a vacation.

And it looks like you do too.

All I can offer you is good company,
warm sun...

...and lots of wild passion,
because the truth is...

...I think you're
a breathtakingly beautiful woman.

You've spent so much time
worrying about someone else.

You've forgotten about yourself.

I've got work to do.

- See you around.
- Goodbye.

Hey, Chuck, I was thinking...

...that maybe Ellie seeing me naked
was actually a blessing in disguise.

Not for her, it wasn't.

I realized I need my own place,
somewhere I can sleep naked...

...and my poor sweet mother isn't
constantly being violated by my boss.

- Yeah, that sounds sensible.
- It makes perfect sense.

I'm 27 years old,
I live in the same room...

...with the same Tron poster
I've had since I was 12.

I need to make something happen,
you know?

Yeah.

Morgan.

Yeah?

Let's move in together.

Tell me you're not joking.

Let's do it, buddy. I mean, it's time
we both moved on with our lives.

Damn right it is, buddy.

I've been waiting so long
to hear you say those words.

Bartowski.

How come I got a machine full of calls
from Human Resources?

Some kind of harassment.

I may have a couple of ideas, sir.

Get in my office.

You think he'll talk?

Everyone talks.

- Guys?
- Ellie, Awesome.

You guys gather round.
We got an announcement.

- Is it safe?
- Yeah, no. Cool, man, cool. Uh...

- Fruit stand's closed.
- It's okay, babe.

Sorry. It's still a little fresh.

It'll wear off.
Hey, you wanna do the honors?

Ellie, Awesome...

...I have made a very important decision.
I'm moving out.

Yes.

- And moving in with Morgan.
- No.

Oh, yeah.

Video games and nudity
all day and all night.

- What's up?
- What are you...?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Can I talk to you for a second?

It's kind of important.

Take your time.

Hey, Sarah.

Talk about your third wheel.

Cole's been captured,
by Fulcrum, we believe.

Oh, my God.

That's terrible. I'm sorry.

He knows you're the Intersect.

We have to go into 24-hour
protective detail until further notice.

What exactly does that mean?

It means we can't break up
and we have to move in together.

Well, Ellie's watching.
We'd better sell it.

Are you sure about this?

I mean, he's a really tough guy.
Maybe he won't talk.

Chuck, everyone talks.