Chivalry (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
This programme contains
very strong language,
adult humour,
sexual scenes and references
The three...
The three of us should do that.
I can just tell by talking to you.
I think you will love this place,
I have, I have to tell you.
It's, uh, where Ian Fleming wrote
all the James Bond novels.
It's called Goldeneye...
Sorry I'm late.
Bobby!
You made it.
I had childcare issues. Hi.
Erm, this is the last thing
you're going to want to do but...
Nice to meet you.
..he, er, he won't listen to me.
You're a film director,
you're a woman,
er, you'll speak his language.
The bedrooms are along here.
I say bedrooms,
they're hotel suites.
There's an office desk,
not just a bed...
I've never been here before.
Well, if you ever want
a table or anything just, you know,
mention my name, Cameron O' Neill,
and they will, uh, take care of you.
I always say if this place, if this
place's walls could talk...
What do you think they'd say?
Pierre. Mm.
You're looking very...relaxed.
May I present
Bobby Sohrabi, the director
of Mother Of God.
I know who she is.
I know who you are.
I loved your movie.
Thank you.
You're good.
You're very good.
Thank you.
You're Iranian?
Yeah, yeah.
Excellent cinema.
Beautiful, poetic.
Ghobadi, Farrokhzad, Panahi.
You know Panahi?
Yeah, well, not personally,
but, yeah.
I'll introduce you.
Thank you.
The lead actress,
the old prostitute,
she wasn't an actress?
No, no, she was...
She was a sex worker.
Hah!
And how did you get that
performance out of her?
Well, I do a lot of guided improv,
but I spent about two years
trying to find her
so it's, it's all sort
of in the casting of it.
Where did you find her?
In a brothel. In Vegas.
Cheers to that.
Isn't she amazing?
So.
Who do you wanna fuck?
Me?
Or him?
Guys.
BOBBY CHUCKLES
Relax. You're OK.
We're Europeans.
There are no Americans here.
OK, so, Pierre,
we both think you're a genius...
Fuck you.
What's she here for?
In your contract,
as director of A Little Death,
you have final cut. Correct.
It also states that you agree
not to do anything that would harm
or damage the reputation
of the studio
or do anything that would bring
its good name into disrepute.
Now, as it stands,
the cut of the movie
has depictions of women
that they feel objectifies them.
And who's "they"?
Women. The studio.
Er, the studio and women.
Jean.
Jean's not fucking with my movie.
Jean is not fucking
with your movie.
She is. And she sent you
to kill it, Cameron,
and I won't let you kill it, OK?
In life, there are sexual ambiguity,
there is nuance,
and you, you are denying it.
All of you are a bunch of heathens,
promoting anti-art
Hollywood garbage.
Bobby, at the request of
the studio, has kindly agreed
to come and help us navigate...
Non, non, no, no, no.
This is the death of art
and you are riding
a wave of destruction
that will eat you in the end.
It will come and it will fuck you
and maybe it's getting me right now.
But fuck,
the shit I know about you, Cameron?
Oh, my God.
The shit I know about you.
That's a separate thing.
You want to fuck with my movie?
Why don't you get a hammer
and take it to the Venus De Milo?
She's got her fucking tits out.
Knock off her tits.
You philistines.
You think a pair of tits is obscene?
It's fucking censorship in
the land of the free!
THAT'S obscene.
Pierre, the only reason I'm here
is to try and have
a productive, creative...
Don't be a puppet to the studio!
Be like the hooker in your movie.
She was real!
Well, she was a sex worker.
You're not real.
She had integrity.
Don't do this, Bobby Sohrabi.
Don't sell out.
LABOURED BREATHING
Pierre?
Pierre.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
BOBBY SIGHS
Oh, Jean, hi.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
It, it was very sudden.
Honestly, I don't think
he was in any pain.
If we are smart we can spin it.
Spin it?
The Academy loves it when
an auteur takes a dirt nap.
I'm putting you on A Little Death.
Direct the reshoots.
If we get Oscar heat, we're home
and dry with the Saudis.
They'll give us a billion dollars,
we can keep making
super-hero movies,
we get rich and everyone
gets to keep their job.
You said that I just needed to have
a creative conversation with Pierre.
That's what I did.
I cannot work with men like
Cameron O'Neill. It's...
You wanna make your next picture?
Your menstrual bible film?
Well, it's,
it's an Iranian biblical biopic.
It's, it's,
it's inspired by the Old Testament,
but really it's a commentary
for modern women to enjoy
and I think they'd appreciate...
You wanna make that movie?
Yeah, I really do, Jean.
Well, honey, if you pull this off,
you can have a blank cheque
for anything you wanna make.
Cameron'll reject you at first,
try to undermine you,
then realise you have
all the good ideas.
He'll pretend they're his,
he'll fall in love with you,
try to sleep with you.
Don't let him.
What a way to start the week.
Right.
Er, but I've got,
been getting a lot of calls,
very positive feedback.
Full disclosure,
I'm really happy you're here.
Great. I'd love to see
the whole film.
Yeah, well they did just want to
give it a polish before you see it.
Who's they?
The editor and his, er, assistant.
But you're the producer.
I mean, it seems a bit odd
to be polishing something that might
be pulled apart.
Pulled apart? Well, I mean,
nothing's off the table at this
stage, is it?
No, no, that, that's right.
Er, am I at this table?
Yeah. Course you are. Phew.
We both are. Good.
Oh, my God.
Cameron!
You look just like Paul Rudd
but a little older.
Ha-ha! I've been told that.
What are you doing?
What's going on?
Er, I'm playing Samuel Morse.
He's the, you know, Morse Code.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That invented cable telegrams.
Yeah, you know Morse Code, right?
Er, you know Morse Code? SOS.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
I thought everyone knew SOS?
Dot, dot, dot, dash,
dash, dash, dot, dot, dot. Yeah.
Well, no, actually,
it's dash, dash, dash,
dot, dot, dot, dash, dash, dash.
Right, OK.
If you're in trouble,
don't do his version,
cos that just means OSO.
Yes. No-one will come.
BRITTLE LAUGHTER
But really, what an amazing man.
Yeah.
He did everything.
He was a painter.
That's right.
He was a landscape painter.
Portrait.
OK, portrait, yeah.
This is great. I've missed this.
Let's get together.
Amen to that.
I'm gonna grab an almond butter,
but send me a text, call me. OK.
I loved your movie, by the way.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
I'm Paul.
Hi. Thank you so much.
MESSAGE ALERT
Paul Rudd loved my movie.
One of the most unpleasant people
I've ever met.
MESSAGE ALERT
Sorry if I'm, er,
little disconnected.
It's just that,
my life partner and I split up.
Oh, sorry to hear that.
Yeah, she dumped me on WhatsApp.
Oh.
How old was your life partner?
Er, 25, yeah.
Yeah, ne...nearly 25.
Shall we watch the film?
You came back?
Yes, I did.
Go on, hurt me.
I really want you to hurt me.
That line was her idea,
by the way.
She suggested that.
It was her,
her suggestion. Hmm.
Are you sure?
I think,
I think that it's good
that he asks her permission.
It's good, really.
BOBBY INTAKES A BREATH
Oh, my God. I've cum.
It's just...
Oh, my God. I'm coming...
We should, probably,
talk about the sex scene.
I think that would probably
be a good idea.
Although industry practice now
is that we have another woman
with us while we talk about...
Er, OK.
I mean, I don't have strong opinions
on it either way.
It's just protocol.
It protects you as well.
Let's do it. Let's, erm...
I mean is, what,
what kind of woman?
Is there, is there a specific age
or type...
..we need? Oh,
I sound like a madame, don't I?
I don't know.
I've never ordered from one.
Let's get Anna. Anna?
Yeah, she,
she can take notes as well.
This is, this is important stuff.
Anna, there you are.
Actually, while I have you,
did you want the filet mignon
or was it
the fish with the Cobb salad?
That's a, that's a dinner menu.
Sorry. Kirsty should have asterixed
my preferred options.
Sorry, it's my first week...
Oh, no, you're fine.
You're good. Don't worry.
So, Kirsty was your assistant
as well as your ex-partner, was she?
Yeah, yeah. She was.
Do you mind if I talk candidly
for a moment?
I love candid conversations.
Well, the sex scene doesn't work.
It fails.
Well, that's candid.
It fails in terms of credibility,
plot relevance,
character consistency,
which means in
the #MeToo environment
it fails catastrophically,
it fails artistically,
and it has to go.
Great, let's cut out the cancer.
Love it.
I mean, it should feel provocative
and it should feel arousing.
It just can't be so cliched
and obvious.
I've always seen
Collette's character
as being really vulnerable.
Anna? Just for the purpose,
just for the purposes of this,
if you, if you, I think
it's best if you just took notes
and let me
and Bobby have the discussion.
I don't mind Ama sharing
her opinions.
Sorry, is your name Anna or Ama,
because he's calling you Anna now?
And thought it was...
My full name is
Adamma Ayomisioluwakonitan.
Oh, are you Nigerian? Yeah.
Oh, what does it mean?
It means "Beautiful girl,
"the joy of the Lord will never
diminish in my life."
That's beautiful.
But I can just call you Ama, right?
Yeah.
That's a relief.
Everyone calls me Ama.
And sometimes people mishear
and they call me Anna.
And I don't correct them.
That's what I did.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think it's just really invaluable
to hear Ama's initial instincts
on this scene.
Yeah, I, I'd love to hear that.
Yeah, erm... I guess I'm wondering
if she's vulnerable in every way,
apart from sexually, you know, and,
and that's why I like your idea,
Bobby, that it should be
provocative and alarming.
You know, that's
exactly as I've always seen it.
And, I wondered maybe, I dunno,
maybe it could come alive here
if she squirted.
Or something.
Maybe she's a squirter.
That's what she does,
that's who she is,
that's how she expresses pleasure.
Maybe.
I don't know.
It was just an idea.
No. Thank you for sharing that.
I love how...
I love how bold that is.
And I love...
I love the power of that.
I'm just not sure if squirting is
real in terms of...believability.
Oh, it is a thing.
No, I know it's a thing in porn
and porn stuff but not...
I-I don't think it's a thing
for the average woman.
Oh, it's definitely a thing.
Isn't it?
Yes, it's a thing.
Actually, could we put that lunch
order in? Is that all right? Yeah.
I just realised I'm
absolutely starving.
Sorry I've got a text about my son,
sorry. I'll just...
Never apologise for being a mother.
Those, those were good notes.
Thank you.
Is everything OK? I'm just at work.
Listen,
I just saw Noah eating some yogurt
riddled with dimethylpolysiloxane.
I don't know where him get it from.
Oh, I got it from 7-Eleven
this morning.
NOAH CHATTERS EXCITEDLY
Are you trying to poison him?
He's gonna be wired for days.
Look, him nervous system have
all over the place.
Yo, you know, I'm throwing them out,
I'm throwing them out...
Jesus, Ashton.
I can't believe you're calling me
about a pink yogurt.
Look. YOU asked me
to communicate, yeah?
That's what the therapist said.
I'm communicating.
These LA pitches just aren't going
well, in case you're wondering.
Sorry to hear that.
And thank you for communicating.
Yo, look, now we need to talk about
him shoes. Right?
You know I have flat feet
and obviously my mother
had flat feet as well
and, you know, it's fair to say
that him going to have flat...
WOMAN GASPS
Oh, yeah, come on, look at this.
Yeah, here, this one.
Yeah, all right, that's not great,
but, you know, there was
the earlier bit
where she was on top.
That's the dominant position -
that's OK, isn't it?
That was one shot!
One minute she's talking about
her loyalty to the third Reich
and then the next minute
he's whipped off her bra
and he's riding her.
Yeah, she's a honey-trapper.
They existed.
That's, that's what they did.
They, they used sex
to entrap the bad guys.
I'm curious as to how you think
a sexless honey-trapping French
Resistance movie's supposed to work.
What does she promise them
to lure them into her trap?
Air Miles?
Tickets for Hamilton?
BOBBY GIGGLES
That's funny.
You're a funny man. It's a shame
none of it made its way
into this scene -
it could have rescued it.
Well, if you're too puritanical,
you're gonna end up
with something... Puritanical?
..anodyne, like, like,
like a child's doll
with no genitals.
Dishonest.
Do you think a child's dolls
should have genitals?
HE SIGHS
On balance, no, but it's always
worth a conversation.
I mean, it can't not be sexy.
Cameron! This is not sexy!
Why? Because it...
It's just a camera
and a man bearing down on a girl.
It's...it's so boring, isn't it?
It's tired.
It's, it's just a thing,
being fucked by a man.
I'm so bored of this kind of shit.
Let...let her stand up.
Let her take her knickers off.
Let her get her pussy ready,
and we see it,
and we see her cunt.
That is an acceptable slang term
for a woman to use
to describe female genitalia.
It can't be used to describe
a person.
A person can never be a cunt.
You need to go to a few more
Hollywood lunches, really,
before you make an assertion
like that.
Well, I've met one or two dicks.
Well, it's a sliding scale,
isn't it?
Look, so you don't want to see
the top half,
but you do want to see the vagina.
Well, it's not technically
a vagina.
CAMERON HUFFS
What is it, then?
Well, well the vagina
is the muscular canal
that connects
the uterus to the cervix.
Do you mean the vulva?
Does he mean the vulva?
Are you referring to the vulva?
That's the visible part
which includes
the vaginal opening, the clitoris
and the longitudinal folds
known as the labia majora
and the labia minora.
And that's what extends
down to the perineum.
Is that what you mean?
Well, there's... No, I think...
Look, I think it's all great.
So just, what do you
want in a movie -
pussy or tits?
Pussy, please.
OK. I'll go and organise that.
Thank you, Cameron.
Nice one, Rick.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Hey, guys, come in.
Sorry. Sorry it's a total
shithole in here.
Oh. You know what?
I need five minutes.
Can I take five minutes, please?
Thank you.
Hey, Lucy, where's my cushion?
Erm, I think you left it on set.
You didn't pick it up?
Jesus, Lucy!
The Dalai Lama gave me
that fucking prayer cushion!
LARK HUFFS
Oh, it's you.
Hi.
I loved your movie.
Oh. Thank you.
A little slow.
Was the ending a bit obvious?
Oh. Fuck, my feet. Oh, my God,
I cannot even feel my feet.
Oh, my God.
Do you want me to help you
take your shoes off? Yeah.
Don't trust this man.
He is a SNEAKY bastard.
I filed an official complaint.
What the fuck, Cameron?
I swear to God.
I know. I know.
That's, that's why we're here,
is to, is for me to say sorry.
So, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.
Can you put these
in the laundry please?
There's a fresh pair on the bed.
Oh, god. That is so good!
Yeah, they were really tight.
Let's do the other one.
You know, Pierre made my life
a living hell
and what did you do, Cameron?
Fucking nothing.
You threw me under
the fucking bus.
Did you find them?
Yeah, they're right here.
There's like a thong thing,
that's pink, there's a kind of a...
a lacy-hemmed French knickers
which are lovely,
and then there's sort
of spanksy type...
I don't fucking wear spanks.
Fuck you!
OK.
Like I say, you know,
I'm very sorry for what you
went through, Lark.
And erm, we're here to,
you know,
make that right, put it right.
Bullshit.
She's the feminist
the studio have brought in
to put the dinosaur's dick
in the mangle
and re-shoot the sex scene,
which I told you was lame.
But you didn't fucking listen.
Yes, so, about the scene. Erm...
We think you're gonna really respond
to the change in the direction.
Lark, listen, honestly, I have been
following your career for years now.
And I've been...mesmerised by what
you've been doing on that screen.
This scene is gonna really,
really make a huge difference.
We wanna restore some
of that, erm, that sexual nuance,
you know and,
and create a much less binary,
more like a celebration
of the vagina.
LARK SNIGGERS
We Americans don't celebrate
the vagina, sweetheart.
We celebrate Hanukkah
and Thanksgiving.
KNOCK AT DOOR
They're ready for you on set.
I want double my daily rate.
I would like 3% more
of the back end
and I would like to shoot
the scene within
a five-mile radius of my home.
Mm, yeah.
Do it, and I'll do it for you
because I like you.
Not for him.
Because he...
He's a CUNT!
DOOR SHUTS
Well, I think that went rather well.
So she made an OFFICIAL complaint
about Pierre?
Mm. And you did nothing?
My relationship with Lark is, er...
It's, it's complicated.
Why?
Oh, because you slept with her?
Yes. I mean, yeah,
entirely consensual.
Did you promise her anything?
Yes, I did.
What? Only that she'd cum.
That's cute.
You should say that in court...
..when she slaps a lawsuit on you.
I don't even know what
I'm doing here.
Neither do I.
Your film's...over-rated.
I put that woman in your head,
though, didn't I?
I put her in everyone's head.
Not really.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
very strong language,
adult humour,
sexual scenes and references
The three...
The three of us should do that.
I can just tell by talking to you.
I think you will love this place,
I have, I have to tell you.
It's, uh, where Ian Fleming wrote
all the James Bond novels.
It's called Goldeneye...
Sorry I'm late.
Bobby!
You made it.
I had childcare issues. Hi.
Erm, this is the last thing
you're going to want to do but...
Nice to meet you.
..he, er, he won't listen to me.
You're a film director,
you're a woman,
er, you'll speak his language.
The bedrooms are along here.
I say bedrooms,
they're hotel suites.
There's an office desk,
not just a bed...
I've never been here before.
Well, if you ever want
a table or anything just, you know,
mention my name, Cameron O' Neill,
and they will, uh, take care of you.
I always say if this place, if this
place's walls could talk...
What do you think they'd say?
Pierre. Mm.
You're looking very...relaxed.
May I present
Bobby Sohrabi, the director
of Mother Of God.
I know who she is.
I know who you are.
I loved your movie.
Thank you.
You're good.
You're very good.
Thank you.
You're Iranian?
Yeah, yeah.
Excellent cinema.
Beautiful, poetic.
Ghobadi, Farrokhzad, Panahi.
You know Panahi?
Yeah, well, not personally,
but, yeah.
I'll introduce you.
Thank you.
The lead actress,
the old prostitute,
she wasn't an actress?
No, no, she was...
She was a sex worker.
Hah!
And how did you get that
performance out of her?
Well, I do a lot of guided improv,
but I spent about two years
trying to find her
so it's, it's all sort
of in the casting of it.
Where did you find her?
In a brothel. In Vegas.
Cheers to that.
Isn't she amazing?
So.
Who do you wanna fuck?
Me?
Or him?
Guys.
BOBBY CHUCKLES
Relax. You're OK.
We're Europeans.
There are no Americans here.
OK, so, Pierre,
we both think you're a genius...
Fuck you.
What's she here for?
In your contract,
as director of A Little Death,
you have final cut. Correct.
It also states that you agree
not to do anything that would harm
or damage the reputation
of the studio
or do anything that would bring
its good name into disrepute.
Now, as it stands,
the cut of the movie
has depictions of women
that they feel objectifies them.
And who's "they"?
Women. The studio.
Er, the studio and women.
Jean.
Jean's not fucking with my movie.
Jean is not fucking
with your movie.
She is. And she sent you
to kill it, Cameron,
and I won't let you kill it, OK?
In life, there are sexual ambiguity,
there is nuance,
and you, you are denying it.
All of you are a bunch of heathens,
promoting anti-art
Hollywood garbage.
Bobby, at the request of
the studio, has kindly agreed
to come and help us navigate...
Non, non, no, no, no.
This is the death of art
and you are riding
a wave of destruction
that will eat you in the end.
It will come and it will fuck you
and maybe it's getting me right now.
But fuck,
the shit I know about you, Cameron?
Oh, my God.
The shit I know about you.
That's a separate thing.
You want to fuck with my movie?
Why don't you get a hammer
and take it to the Venus De Milo?
She's got her fucking tits out.
Knock off her tits.
You philistines.
You think a pair of tits is obscene?
It's fucking censorship in
the land of the free!
THAT'S obscene.
Pierre, the only reason I'm here
is to try and have
a productive, creative...
Don't be a puppet to the studio!
Be like the hooker in your movie.
She was real!
Well, she was a sex worker.
You're not real.
She had integrity.
Don't do this, Bobby Sohrabi.
Don't sell out.
LABOURED BREATHING
Pierre?
Pierre.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
BOBBY SIGHS
Oh, Jean, hi.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
It, it was very sudden.
Honestly, I don't think
he was in any pain.
If we are smart we can spin it.
Spin it?
The Academy loves it when
an auteur takes a dirt nap.
I'm putting you on A Little Death.
Direct the reshoots.
If we get Oscar heat, we're home
and dry with the Saudis.
They'll give us a billion dollars,
we can keep making
super-hero movies,
we get rich and everyone
gets to keep their job.
You said that I just needed to have
a creative conversation with Pierre.
That's what I did.
I cannot work with men like
Cameron O'Neill. It's...
You wanna make your next picture?
Your menstrual bible film?
Well, it's,
it's an Iranian biblical biopic.
It's, it's,
it's inspired by the Old Testament,
but really it's a commentary
for modern women to enjoy
and I think they'd appreciate...
You wanna make that movie?
Yeah, I really do, Jean.
Well, honey, if you pull this off,
you can have a blank cheque
for anything you wanna make.
Cameron'll reject you at first,
try to undermine you,
then realise you have
all the good ideas.
He'll pretend they're his,
he'll fall in love with you,
try to sleep with you.
Don't let him.
What a way to start the week.
Right.
Er, but I've got,
been getting a lot of calls,
very positive feedback.
Full disclosure,
I'm really happy you're here.
Great. I'd love to see
the whole film.
Yeah, well they did just want to
give it a polish before you see it.
Who's they?
The editor and his, er, assistant.
But you're the producer.
I mean, it seems a bit odd
to be polishing something that might
be pulled apart.
Pulled apart? Well, I mean,
nothing's off the table at this
stage, is it?
No, no, that, that's right.
Er, am I at this table?
Yeah. Course you are. Phew.
We both are. Good.
Oh, my God.
Cameron!
You look just like Paul Rudd
but a little older.
Ha-ha! I've been told that.
What are you doing?
What's going on?
Er, I'm playing Samuel Morse.
He's the, you know, Morse Code.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That invented cable telegrams.
Yeah, you know Morse Code, right?
Er, you know Morse Code? SOS.
Yeah, oh, yeah.
I thought everyone knew SOS?
Dot, dot, dot, dash,
dash, dash, dot, dot, dot. Yeah.
Well, no, actually,
it's dash, dash, dash,
dot, dot, dot, dash, dash, dash.
Right, OK.
If you're in trouble,
don't do his version,
cos that just means OSO.
Yes. No-one will come.
BRITTLE LAUGHTER
But really, what an amazing man.
Yeah.
He did everything.
He was a painter.
That's right.
He was a landscape painter.
Portrait.
OK, portrait, yeah.
This is great. I've missed this.
Let's get together.
Amen to that.
I'm gonna grab an almond butter,
but send me a text, call me. OK.
I loved your movie, by the way.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
I'm Paul.
Hi. Thank you so much.
MESSAGE ALERT
Paul Rudd loved my movie.
One of the most unpleasant people
I've ever met.
MESSAGE ALERT
Sorry if I'm, er,
little disconnected.
It's just that,
my life partner and I split up.
Oh, sorry to hear that.
Yeah, she dumped me on WhatsApp.
Oh.
How old was your life partner?
Er, 25, yeah.
Yeah, ne...nearly 25.
Shall we watch the film?
You came back?
Yes, I did.
Go on, hurt me.
I really want you to hurt me.
That line was her idea,
by the way.
She suggested that.
It was her,
her suggestion. Hmm.
Are you sure?
I think,
I think that it's good
that he asks her permission.
It's good, really.
BOBBY INTAKES A BREATH
Oh, my God. I've cum.
It's just...
Oh, my God. I'm coming...
We should, probably,
talk about the sex scene.
I think that would probably
be a good idea.
Although industry practice now
is that we have another woman
with us while we talk about...
Er, OK.
I mean, I don't have strong opinions
on it either way.
It's just protocol.
It protects you as well.
Let's do it. Let's, erm...
I mean is, what,
what kind of woman?
Is there, is there a specific age
or type...
..we need? Oh,
I sound like a madame, don't I?
I don't know.
I've never ordered from one.
Let's get Anna. Anna?
Yeah, she,
she can take notes as well.
This is, this is important stuff.
Anna, there you are.
Actually, while I have you,
did you want the filet mignon
or was it
the fish with the Cobb salad?
That's a, that's a dinner menu.
Sorry. Kirsty should have asterixed
my preferred options.
Sorry, it's my first week...
Oh, no, you're fine.
You're good. Don't worry.
So, Kirsty was your assistant
as well as your ex-partner, was she?
Yeah, yeah. She was.
Do you mind if I talk candidly
for a moment?
I love candid conversations.
Well, the sex scene doesn't work.
It fails.
Well, that's candid.
It fails in terms of credibility,
plot relevance,
character consistency,
which means in
the #MeToo environment
it fails catastrophically,
it fails artistically,
and it has to go.
Great, let's cut out the cancer.
Love it.
I mean, it should feel provocative
and it should feel arousing.
It just can't be so cliched
and obvious.
I've always seen
Collette's character
as being really vulnerable.
Anna? Just for the purpose,
just for the purposes of this,
if you, if you, I think
it's best if you just took notes
and let me
and Bobby have the discussion.
I don't mind Ama sharing
her opinions.
Sorry, is your name Anna or Ama,
because he's calling you Anna now?
And thought it was...
My full name is
Adamma Ayomisioluwakonitan.
Oh, are you Nigerian? Yeah.
Oh, what does it mean?
It means "Beautiful girl,
"the joy of the Lord will never
diminish in my life."
That's beautiful.
But I can just call you Ama, right?
Yeah.
That's a relief.
Everyone calls me Ama.
And sometimes people mishear
and they call me Anna.
And I don't correct them.
That's what I did.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think it's just really invaluable
to hear Ama's initial instincts
on this scene.
Yeah, I, I'd love to hear that.
Yeah, erm... I guess I'm wondering
if she's vulnerable in every way,
apart from sexually, you know, and,
and that's why I like your idea,
Bobby, that it should be
provocative and alarming.
You know, that's
exactly as I've always seen it.
And, I wondered maybe, I dunno,
maybe it could come alive here
if she squirted.
Or something.
Maybe she's a squirter.
That's what she does,
that's who she is,
that's how she expresses pleasure.
Maybe.
I don't know.
It was just an idea.
No. Thank you for sharing that.
I love how...
I love how bold that is.
And I love...
I love the power of that.
I'm just not sure if squirting is
real in terms of...believability.
Oh, it is a thing.
No, I know it's a thing in porn
and porn stuff but not...
I-I don't think it's a thing
for the average woman.
Oh, it's definitely a thing.
Isn't it?
Yes, it's a thing.
Actually, could we put that lunch
order in? Is that all right? Yeah.
I just realised I'm
absolutely starving.
Sorry I've got a text about my son,
sorry. I'll just...
Never apologise for being a mother.
Those, those were good notes.
Thank you.
Is everything OK? I'm just at work.
Listen,
I just saw Noah eating some yogurt
riddled with dimethylpolysiloxane.
I don't know where him get it from.
Oh, I got it from 7-Eleven
this morning.
NOAH CHATTERS EXCITEDLY
Are you trying to poison him?
He's gonna be wired for days.
Look, him nervous system have
all over the place.
Yo, you know, I'm throwing them out,
I'm throwing them out...
Jesus, Ashton.
I can't believe you're calling me
about a pink yogurt.
Look. YOU asked me
to communicate, yeah?
That's what the therapist said.
I'm communicating.
These LA pitches just aren't going
well, in case you're wondering.
Sorry to hear that.
And thank you for communicating.
Yo, look, now we need to talk about
him shoes. Right?
You know I have flat feet
and obviously my mother
had flat feet as well
and, you know, it's fair to say
that him going to have flat...
WOMAN GASPS
Oh, yeah, come on, look at this.
Yeah, here, this one.
Yeah, all right, that's not great,
but, you know, there was
the earlier bit
where she was on top.
That's the dominant position -
that's OK, isn't it?
That was one shot!
One minute she's talking about
her loyalty to the third Reich
and then the next minute
he's whipped off her bra
and he's riding her.
Yeah, she's a honey-trapper.
They existed.
That's, that's what they did.
They, they used sex
to entrap the bad guys.
I'm curious as to how you think
a sexless honey-trapping French
Resistance movie's supposed to work.
What does she promise them
to lure them into her trap?
Air Miles?
Tickets for Hamilton?
BOBBY GIGGLES
That's funny.
You're a funny man. It's a shame
none of it made its way
into this scene -
it could have rescued it.
Well, if you're too puritanical,
you're gonna end up
with something... Puritanical?
..anodyne, like, like,
like a child's doll
with no genitals.
Dishonest.
Do you think a child's dolls
should have genitals?
HE SIGHS
On balance, no, but it's always
worth a conversation.
I mean, it can't not be sexy.
Cameron! This is not sexy!
Why? Because it...
It's just a camera
and a man bearing down on a girl.
It's...it's so boring, isn't it?
It's tired.
It's, it's just a thing,
being fucked by a man.
I'm so bored of this kind of shit.
Let...let her stand up.
Let her take her knickers off.
Let her get her pussy ready,
and we see it,
and we see her cunt.
That is an acceptable slang term
for a woman to use
to describe female genitalia.
It can't be used to describe
a person.
A person can never be a cunt.
You need to go to a few more
Hollywood lunches, really,
before you make an assertion
like that.
Well, I've met one or two dicks.
Well, it's a sliding scale,
isn't it?
Look, so you don't want to see
the top half,
but you do want to see the vagina.
Well, it's not technically
a vagina.
CAMERON HUFFS
What is it, then?
Well, well the vagina
is the muscular canal
that connects
the uterus to the cervix.
Do you mean the vulva?
Does he mean the vulva?
Are you referring to the vulva?
That's the visible part
which includes
the vaginal opening, the clitoris
and the longitudinal folds
known as the labia majora
and the labia minora.
And that's what extends
down to the perineum.
Is that what you mean?
Well, there's... No, I think...
Look, I think it's all great.
So just, what do you
want in a movie -
pussy or tits?
Pussy, please.
OK. I'll go and organise that.
Thank you, Cameron.
Nice one, Rick.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Hey, guys, come in.
Sorry. Sorry it's a total
shithole in here.
Oh. You know what?
I need five minutes.
Can I take five minutes, please?
Thank you.
Hey, Lucy, where's my cushion?
Erm, I think you left it on set.
You didn't pick it up?
Jesus, Lucy!
The Dalai Lama gave me
that fucking prayer cushion!
LARK HUFFS
Oh, it's you.
Hi.
I loved your movie.
Oh. Thank you.
A little slow.
Was the ending a bit obvious?
Oh. Fuck, my feet. Oh, my God,
I cannot even feel my feet.
Oh, my God.
Do you want me to help you
take your shoes off? Yeah.
Don't trust this man.
He is a SNEAKY bastard.
I filed an official complaint.
What the fuck, Cameron?
I swear to God.
I know. I know.
That's, that's why we're here,
is to, is for me to say sorry.
So, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.
Can you put these
in the laundry please?
There's a fresh pair on the bed.
Oh, god. That is so good!
Yeah, they were really tight.
Let's do the other one.
You know, Pierre made my life
a living hell
and what did you do, Cameron?
Fucking nothing.
You threw me under
the fucking bus.
Did you find them?
Yeah, they're right here.
There's like a thong thing,
that's pink, there's a kind of a...
a lacy-hemmed French knickers
which are lovely,
and then there's sort
of spanksy type...
I don't fucking wear spanks.
Fuck you!
OK.
Like I say, you know,
I'm very sorry for what you
went through, Lark.
And erm, we're here to,
you know,
make that right, put it right.
Bullshit.
She's the feminist
the studio have brought in
to put the dinosaur's dick
in the mangle
and re-shoot the sex scene,
which I told you was lame.
But you didn't fucking listen.
Yes, so, about the scene. Erm...
We think you're gonna really respond
to the change in the direction.
Lark, listen, honestly, I have been
following your career for years now.
And I've been...mesmerised by what
you've been doing on that screen.
This scene is gonna really,
really make a huge difference.
We wanna restore some
of that, erm, that sexual nuance,
you know and,
and create a much less binary,
more like a celebration
of the vagina.
LARK SNIGGERS
We Americans don't celebrate
the vagina, sweetheart.
We celebrate Hanukkah
and Thanksgiving.
KNOCK AT DOOR
They're ready for you on set.
I want double my daily rate.
I would like 3% more
of the back end
and I would like to shoot
the scene within
a five-mile radius of my home.
Mm, yeah.
Do it, and I'll do it for you
because I like you.
Not for him.
Because he...
He's a CUNT!
DOOR SHUTS
Well, I think that went rather well.
So she made an OFFICIAL complaint
about Pierre?
Mm. And you did nothing?
My relationship with Lark is, er...
It's, it's complicated.
Why?
Oh, because you slept with her?
Yes. I mean, yeah,
entirely consensual.
Did you promise her anything?
Yes, I did.
What? Only that she'd cum.
That's cute.
You should say that in court...
..when she slaps a lawsuit on you.
I don't even know what
I'm doing here.
Neither do I.
Your film's...over-rated.
I put that woman in your head,
though, didn't I?
I put her in everyone's head.
Not really.
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