Chelmsford 123 (1988–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Mine's a Double - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

Grasientus.

Grasientus!

I hope this is important, Aulus.

I was preparing to go to bed.

There's been a theft.

Something's been stolen?

Grasientus, you are a genius.

I say, "There's been a
theft" and quick as a

flash you say,
"Something's been stolen."

- How do you do it?
- What's been stolen?



I'll tell you. I own
two priceless gold

figurines of identical
twins Castor and Pollux.

One of them has been stolen.

- Which one?
- Well, I don't know. They're identical.

By the way, what's that on
your face like cow dung?

It is not cow dung, Aulus.

It is Wolfbane's magic mud.

Helps rejuvenate the skin and
tone up the facial muscles.

It's supposed to
improve my looks.

It certainly does. I
should keep it on.

I've done it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the heavenly twins.

What do you think?

Er, Mungo, these twins...



- Are they supposed to be identical twins?
- Yeah.

It's just that for identical
twins, I can't help noticing that

this twin is not 100%
identical to this twin.

I mean, this one is very
identical indeed but

this one isn't the
slightest bit identical.

- Yeah, all right, Badvoc.
- This one I love. This one I hate.

Well, I prefer this one.

The other one's a bit obvious.

- Stay out of this, Blag.
- Badvoc.

We're in the presence
of greatness here.

We're talking about art.

This transcends material
considerations.

It is beauty incarnate.

It has been fashioned
by the gods.

He who gazes upon this
gazes upon immortality.

True. True.

Blag, go and swap it
for a couple of pigs.

No, wait, Badvoc. Wait.
If this is what I think

it is, you could be looking
at a lot of money.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to swap it.

You don't have to do everything
I tell you, do you? Blimey.

If I said "Stick your hand in
the fire", he probably would.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, I thought so.

I know what this is.

What?

It's an instrument for
magnifying small objects.

- I'm talking about the statue.
- Oh, that.

Well, you struck very lucky there.
This isn't any old heavenly twins.

This is one of the world-famous
heavenly twins by Theo Frastes.

Now, if you had the other one as well,
I could guarantee you a small fortune.

Er, can I take my hand
out of the fire now?

I've brought the guard who was on
duty on the night of the theft.

Oh, good. Oh, by the
way, Grasientus, that

cow dung you had on
your face last night...

- Magic mud.
- Magic mud.

- It rejuvenates the skin...
- And improves the looks.

Yes. It didn't work.

- Good. So, you were on guard last night.
- Yes, sir.

- And you stood guard at my door all night?
- Oh, yes, sir.

If at all, I may have left once briefly
just to, um, well, you know...

- Go to the bathroom?
- Go to the bathroom. Back at my house.

I wasn't there long. I just went to
the toilet, had a spot of dinner,

and then...

put some shelves up.

I mean, she's been on at me for months.
You know what women are like.

Then I came straight back here, after I'd
given the missis a bit of a seeing to.

I mean, I was there. I
thought, well, why not?

- What's your job again?
- Head of security.

So in the three minutes
you managed to stand

guard at my door, did
anybody enter my office?

No, sir.

- No-one at all?
- No, definitely not.

I think I can say that not one living soul,
no single person, crossed that threshold.

- Not one.
- Good.

Except the rat man.

- The rat man?
- Yes.

We don't have any rats here.

No, sir. That's why he came.

To deliver some.

Did you notice anything
unusual about him?

- He was naked.
- Naked?

Yes, he said he was, anyway.

Said he'd left home in a hurry and
didn't have time to put his clothes on.

It's easily done.

- What did he look like?
- I didn't see him.

He asked me to look the other way.
He was naked.

- So, a naked man...
- Yes.

Arrives at my office... - Yes.

In the early hours of Sunday morning...
- Yes.

To deliver rats. - Yes.

Didn't that strike you as odd?

You know, it did. I mean...

It's so difficult to get people to
deliver at the weekends, isn't it?

Oh.

- There was one other thing, sir.
- Yes?

He tried to bribe me.

Did he?

Successfully.

He bribed you successfully?

He gave me two whole bags of gold not to
tell a living soul that his name was Mungo.

And my word is my bond.

There's only one
thing for it, Mungo.

You're going to have to go back
and bribe that guard again.

What with? I've used those 10 bags
of gold you gave me last time.

- All 10?
- Yeah.

God, aren't people
greedy nowadays?

Yeah. It's very depressing.

What's that?

It looks like a cheese
and carrot pie?

Oh, yummy.

And what's that?

- A vase of dried flowers.
- Oh, yummy.

Someone's been in here.

Quick, check the statue.

Blag, outside and
check the horses.

- The statue's still there.
- Oh, I don't believe it.

Who's been at this quiche?

Oh, my God. It's him.

That's a fine way to greet your long lost
twin brother you haven't seen for 10 years.

I never knew you had a
twin brother, Badvoc.

Huh? Badvoc? Is that the name
you're using at the moment?

What's wrong with...

Badvoc is the name I
have as tribe leader.

I'm a warrior chieftain now.
Head of the Trinovantes.

I've checked the horses,
Badvoc, and they're all there.

Oh, sorry. I've checked the horses,
Badvoc, and they're all there.

'Ere, I thought you were him.

But you are.

No, you're not. You're him.

Er, I think I'll go and
check the horses again.

So, um, what's your real
name, then, Badvoc?

Listen, Mungo, we had very weird parents,
all right? They named us all after herbs.

He's called parsley and I'm called...
something else.

But Badvoc certainly
is the name that I...

Basil.

My cousin's called
Basil, funnily enough.

- Tarragon.
- Shut up, Mungo.

- Dill.
- Leave it out, Mungo.

You can't stay here, you know.

I just want to see if there's a market
round here for my dried flowers.

- Dandelion?
- You can stay a week and that's all.

Uh, I got it.

Rosemary!

Tell anyone, you're dead.

Hey, Aulus.

It's me.

Whatever it is, the answer's no.

Hey, Aulus.

Your long lost twin brother
you no see for 10 years.

He come a 1,000 miles, he
walk over land and sea

and all you can say is,
"The answer is no"?

Yes.

Agh!

That's all I need.

My long lost embarrassing twin brother
turning up out of the blue like that.

Oh, God, I need a drink.

Hey, Aulus!

That's no way to treat your
embarrassing long lost twin brother

who turn up out of
the blue like that.

I thought you were in Granada
happily running a takeaway brothel.

Yes, I was.

But one night, a dissatisfied customer,
he fall carelessly on my dagger.

Look, I'm not harbouring
wanted criminals in my villa.

How about this, uh?

How about I go around Chelmsford

telling everybody that the Roman
governor is not a Roman at all

but Spanish?

Who spent most of his youth
hanging round the bars of Seville

doing drag acts for
Moroccan sailors.

All right.

You can stay one week.

Who could forget your Cleopatra
and her disappearing asp.

Two weeks, that's it.

Listen, Wolfbane, I just want somewhere
where I can sell my dried flowers.

Come on, Badvoc, tell
me, what's the scam?

There's no scam and I'm not Badvoc. I'm
his identical twin brother Parsley.

Brilliant.

Look, Badvoc, this whole scheme
has the hallmark of genius.

The false name, the dried flowers,
the silly voice. Everything.

I don't know what it is you're
planning but I want in.

The name is Parsley.

OK. OK, Parsley.

What do you want?

I want to sell my dried
flowers in your shop.

Oh, no, listen, Badvoc.
I can't sell your

dried flowers in here
whatever your scam is.

Look. I sell bona
fide medications.

Essence of skunk, rats'
eyelashes in treacle,

Wolfbane's magic mud.

Restores your looks.
100% cow dung.

Tincture of hedgehog bogey.

I'm a serious pharmacist.

If I started selling something
weird like dried flowers,

everybody would think
I was a charlatan.

Wolfbane, you're a charlatan.

These rats' eyelash...

Oh, I'm glad I bumped into you.

Oh. Frock's a mistake.

Purple's very much last year's colour.
I wouldn't wear it.

No. Me neither.

In my profession, you couldn't wear
something ludicrous like that.

You have to dress formal,
inspire confidence.

Listen, Badvoc, one of
my golden statues...

For the last time, will
you all stop calling

me Badvoc? My... Oh,
what's the point?

Here, you have the dried flowers.
I'm fed up.

What's wrong with him?

Between you and me, Aulus, I think
he's finally flipped his lid.

- Flipped his lid?
- Yes.

I think the stress of leadership
has finally got to him.

Don't let it happen to you.

Buy Wolfbane's anti-lid flipper.

For leaders like you.

And that is why he's called
your identical twin?

That's right, Blag.

So you're identical in every way,
completely similar, physically, like.

Yes.

So an outsider wouldn't be
able to tell you apart.

Precisely.

- Right, I think I understand.
- Good.

So, where is Badvoc now, then?

I am Badvoc!

Listen, Blag, you put Badvoc and Parsley
together and they look exactly the same.

I mean, it's like we put you next
to an enormous pile of pig shit.

Oh, got it now.

- Thanks, Mungo.
- What are friends for, Blag?

'Ere... Here's Aulus.

He don't half look rough.

What's he doing in here?
I thought British

drinking dens were out
of bounds to Romans.

Yeah, they are. Don't
worry, I'll sort this out.

Er, listen, I don't want
to make anything of this

but this is a British
drinking den

and you're a Roman.

So I suggest you finish your
drink, quickly and quietly,

and then make yourself
as scarce as possible,

otherwise things round here might
take on a rather unfortunate hue.

Thank you.

Well?

- I think he got the message.
- Good boy.

What did he say?

He said...

Those were his exact words?

Right.

Listen, Aulus...

Aulus? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Aulus, yeah.

You may be the governor
of this country

but you do not, I repeat,
you do not spit in

the face of one of my
friends, all right?

If you want to spit at
someone, you spit at me, OK?

OK. It's only my little joke.

I'm sorry for the joke.

He's talking funny.

Look, to make up for my
behaviour, I, Aulus Paulinus,

declare a public holiday.

Everybody have the day off.

'Ere, we don't work. Does that
mean we don't get a day off?

- Everybody, drinks on me.
- That's more like it.

Send the bill to the villa.

- Great.
- OK.

Here, a toast.

To the Britons.

To Britons.

A nation of stinking rats!

Lovely speech.

Shut up, Blag. He was
insulting us, you fool.

- Was he?
- He called me a stinking rat.

Well, fair's fair, Mungo.

Well, Aulus better not show
his face in here again.

Ah, Badvoc, the very
man I want to...

Keep your bloody drinks!

Well, you can stick your
dried flowers as well.

I'm not sure about the
lemon any more, you know.

It's such a dangerous colour. What
do you think of the lemon, Mango?

Hang on.

I'll just put down
my needlepoint.

Now, listen, I don't mind
embroidering bunny rabbits on towels

but I draw the line at
being called Mango.

Listen, you lot.

I have got a
foolproof plan of...

Oh, sorry, wrong house.

What in God's name's
been going on here?

Your twin brother. He wants
this room to make a statement.

He wants it to say something.

Well, it's obvious
what it's saying.

It's saying, "Hello, I am the
room of a great big poof."

A very tasteless
remark, Rosemary.

Shut up.

Get out of there.

Now, listen, you lot.

I've just come up with a foolproof plan
for getting that other gold statue back.

Parsley is going to me at the public
reading of the emperor's letter tomorrow.

Leaving me free to go round
to Aulus' villa unnoticed.

- Brilliant.
- What's in it for me?

Well, if it comes off, I'll set you
up in a chain of dried flower shops.

- Oh, great.
- In Belgium.

- So, what do I have to do?
- Simple.

Just graciously thank Aulus
and wave at the crowd.

What, like this? "Thank you, Aulus?
Mwah!

Hello, crowd."

On seconds thoughts, Mungo, you do the
talking. Blag, you do the waving.

Right.

"Hello, crowd. All right?"

- Mungo...
- Talking and waving.

Yeah.

No way. I no do it.

Just to get your stupid
statue back. No.

Give me one good reason why I go
out in public dressed like this.

I could always send you
back to Rome in chains.

We could have you thrown
off the top of the villa.

Or I could just stab you here.

OK, OK.

I only asked for one.

Let's go through
your speech again.

Frie... Frie... Friends.

Romans.

Britons.

Pah!

Grasientus, I think you'd
better do all the talking.

Greetings, Badvoc.

And the governor also
says "Greetings, Badvoc."

Why can't he say it himself?

Um, sore throat.

Can't speak.

So, how are you, Badvoc?

He's very well.

Apart from a sore throat.

Can't speak.

There's a lot of it going
about, ain't there?

Now, my little beauty.

It's time to restore you
to your rightful place

next to your twin brother.

It's gone!

Guard!

Yes, sir.

Oh, no. It's you.

Have you been on guard all day?

Oh, yes, sir.

- No-one's been in?
- No, sir.

- No-one at all?
- No, sir.

I was just saying to the
emperor how quiet it is.

The emperor?

- What?
- You said the emperor.

Yes, sir.

Well, he wasn't dressed as the emperor.
Obviously.

He was disguised as Badvoc.

God, it was good.

If he hadn't told me he was the emperor,
I would have thought it was Badvoc.

It was Badvoc.

Badvoc's done this. I knew it.

Badvoc...

No, wait a minute. He
couldn't have done it.

He's been out there all morning
in the marketplace. With me.

Look, see. Look, there I am down there
next to Badvoc. He couldn't have done it.

I'm down there. I couldn't have done it.
How could I have done it?

- Sir.
- I couldn't have done it.

It's none of my business, of course,
but have you ever tried this?

Wolfbane's anti-lid flipper.

Ah, my little beauty.

Time to restore you to
your rightful place.

Ah, Wolfbane.

Badvoc, I've been up all night trying
to work out what your scheme is.

But I'm beaten.

So, as long as I can have a slice
of the action, the answer is yes,

you can display
your dried flowers.

Wolfbane, what are
you talking about?

Oh, I see. Fair enough.

Still hush-hush, eh?

Don't worry. Your secret's safe.

Mum's the word. Schtum
is my middle name.

Hey?

Wolfbane Schtum. That's me.

Wolfbane, have you been eating
those funny mushrooms again?

- No.
- Look at this, eh?

Oh, yes. Very nice.

But have you got
the other one yet?

This is the other one.

The first one's in this barrel
where it's always been.

Ta-da!

Sorry.

Ta-da!

Something's wrong.

Try the other hand.

- The statue's been stolen.
- No.

Aulus has done this. Aulus is
the only person who could have.

Hang on, Aulus has been out in
the marketplace all morning.

What are you doing out
there when you're in here?

Perhaps I have been at
the funny mushrooms.

Aulus, I want a word with you.

Ah, so it was you.

You broke into my house
and stole my statue.

Well, I'm shocked, depressed and
disappointed by this, Aulus.

I mean, why?

If you wanted the statue that
badly, you should have asked me.

I'd have probably given it to you.
You're my friend.

At least I thought you were.

Look, Aulus, I'm prepared to say
nothing further on this sorry matter.

I'll just leave you
alone with your guilt.

Wait a minute!
They're my statues!

They were stolen from my
villa in the first place.

Listen, I came by these statues
in good faith from Mungo.

If he's got hold of them by unlawful
means, then I will take him to task.

But the fact remains that you broke
into my house and stole them.

First of all, Badvoc, I
cannot steal my own statues.

And I couldn't have possibly
gone to your house this morning.

I'm attending a public function
in the marketplace. Look.

Well, so am I. Look.

I can explain everything.

- What an amazing coincidence.
- Yeah.

We both have identical
twin brothers.

And they both turn up on
exactly the same day.

There I was in Wolfbane's shop
talking to your twin brother

at complete cross-purposes.

There I was in the tavern talking to
your twin at complete cross-purposes.

And then, there's the amazing
coincidence of these two statues.

Themselves both twins. You
had one, I had the other.

I didn't know which one...
I mean, it's crazy.

If you saw it on television, you'd
never believe it, would you?

What did you just say, Blag?

I dunno.

I just had one of my
blinding headaches.

I'd better sit down.

Still, I'm relieved
we got the thief.

Yes, and I'd like to
thank you, Mungo,

personally, for your great
honesty and courage

in stepping forward and giving me
that vital piece of information

which led to the
arrest of Wolfbane.

Well, I was just doing my
job as a pillar of society.

In fact, they call
me Mungo the Pillar.

Well, it's close.

Well, that's that
all sorted out.

Badvoc, I've packed
your twin Parsley off

with enough money to start his own dried
flower shop with his wife and 12 children.

Wife and 12 children?

- I thought he was a...
- Badvoc, there you are, you see.

You've fallen victim to your own
crude sexual stereotyping again.

Trying to hide the fear of the
feminine in your own sexuality

behind a torrent of cheap jibes and
a crude display of macho posturing.

Yeah, I saw something about
that on Panorama. I...

I've done it again.

And as for your twin, Aulus,

I told him that the
eight-foot-tall champion

gladiator Nicias the
Thracian Throttler

liked to be called Phyllis.

Really?

The funeral's on Monday.

- Brilliant, Grasientus.
- Yeah, brilliant. But why?

- Why what?
- Why are you helping us like this?

Well, I too have a small
problem which I was

hoping you might be
able to help me with.

What sort of problem?

This is Saupicius, my
long lost brother.

Hi. I'm Saupicius.

I'm a Christian.
Ripped By mstoll