Chelmsford 123 (1988–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Arrivederci Roma - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll

'Ere, Mungo, he's dead!

Course he's dead. He's
just been viciously and

gratuitously stabbed by
an unknown assailant.

Yeah, but you didn't have
to use my knife, did you?

I mean, what happens if
someone walks in here?

What happens if Badvoc walks in?

He'll take one look at me with a

blood-stained dagger,
dead Roman at me feet,

and he'll say, "Blag, why
did you kill that Roman?"

Blag, why did you
kill that Roman?



I was just saying -

Shut up, Blag... Mungo,
what's going on?

It would seem that
this Roman 'ere came -

Shut up, Mungo.

Well, this is
charming, isn't it?

I come back to me local
drinking din, after

a hard day terrorising
neighbouring tribes,

and I can't get to the
bar for dead Romans.

He committed suicide. He
was depressed, homesick -

- Mungo...
- Shut up.

Correct.

Look at it from
my point of view.

I'm the tribe leader. I'm
in a position of trust.

The Romans rely on me to keep
the peace here in Chelmsford.



I mean...

if we went round stabbing
Romans whenever we

felt like it there'd
be no Romans left...

to stab whenever
we felt like it.

Uh, Blag, apologise.

- Sorry, Badvoc.
- Not to me. To our ex-Roman friend.

- Sorry.
- Properly.

Sorry about you
being dead, Marcus.

Marcus?

They're all called
Marcus, in't they?

'Ere, Mungo?

I don't think Marcus is gonna need
financial support where he's going.

Oh, right.

Right, lads, the
drinks are on the wop.

Ah.

And then the other fella says, "Thank God
for that. I thought me hump had burst."

Badvoc?

- Ah, Functio.
- Can we have a word in private?

Eh?

Don't worry about this lot.
Just use words of

more than two syllables.
They won't understand.

There's been a general
breakdown in law and order.

Your men are swaggering around
Chelmsford brandishing swords.

Now, there's a law against that.

The Lex... Lex um...

The Lex lulia de Vi Publica

which forbids Brits from carrying
offensive weapons without authorisation.

- Yes.
- Never heard of it.

Yes, well, I've just seen one of
the Roman garrison butchered.

Literally butchered
by one of your men.

Butchered by one of my men?
Which one?

Ralph.

Oh, that's all right.
He's a butcher.

He's got a stall down the market place.
Blag, drink for Functio.

Oh, all right.

How's that, then?

You think you've got problems.
Go on, shift up.

It's no use trying to
get round me, Badvoc.

I've known you too long.

When I first came here ten years ago
from Rome to serve with the Ninth Legion

there was peace, we
lived in harmony.

That's why I settled here, that's
why I married one of your tribe.

I thought it was because
you put her up the duff.

Functio, OK, listen...

Look at it this way. Did
we ask to be invaded?

- No.
- No.

And besides, before your lot came
it was Briton killing Briton.

Now it's Briton killing Roman.

- So you see, for us it's progress.
- Exactly.

Yes, well, I've sent word to Rome. A
new governor must be sent forthwith.

We don't need a new governor.
We've managed perfectly

well since the last one...
unfortunately...

- Departed. Departed.

Departed? Dispatched,
more likely.

It was an accident.

- He, uh, choked.
- Choked.

On his own foot?

Well, I told him he shouldn't
bite his toenails.

Uh, game of
Knucklebones, anyone?

Be careful, Badvoc.

The next man they send might just bring
you to your knees, begging for mercy.

Baa!

It's very kind of you, Badvoc, to play
Knucklebones with a poor old blind man.

All part of my duty
as your tribal chief.

Yeah, it is very nice of
him, cos a lot of people

must take advantage of your lack
of sight in games of chance.

Mungo, isn't there a tin
mine you can fall down?

Right, my throw.

Oh, bad luck, Badvoc.
Double dog.

Bad luck, Blag?
What can you mean?

That's a double Venus, the highest
available score in Knucklebones.

Another double Venus, Badvoc!
Amazing luck you're having.

Yes, the gods are smiling on me.
It's all in the wrist, you see.

I have good news - the new governor has
landed in Britain, and is on his way.

Thought you had some good news.

It is good news for every
right-thinking person in this province.

Both of them?

Get your swords now.

Finest weaponry. Badvoc!

Look at that sword. Finest weaponry.
Cut through a Roman like butter.

Finest... cutlery. Cut
through butter like butter.

Not just now, Ankroll. Thanks.
All right, mate.

But the best news of all - the man
they've sent is Aulus Paulinus.

A fine general and an old friend,
and this calls for a celebration.

That's very good of you. A mug of ale for
me and Mungo, and a bucket for Blag.

This one 'ere, Badvoc,
it's a work of art.

It will turn a massacre
into a masterpiece.

I'm not interested.

It's so sharp it will slice through
a man without him even knowing it.

What's the point of that?
When I slice through

somebody I want them to know about it.
I want -

Badvoc, a toast to the future

in which Romans and
Britons live in harmony.

The future.

This man Aulus Paulinus, what
sort of bloke is he, then?

Oh, he's an amazing man.

He's courageous, bold... He
has the heart of a lion.

The eyes of a hawk.

I see. He collects bits
of animals, does he?

You'll need more than your dry British
humour when Aulus Paulinus gets here.

Here, Ankroll... I want
some of your finest swords.

These ones are real beauties.
Razor-sharp.

One quick launch, and it's in.
Look. Look at this.

What do you think?

It's not bad.

Not bad? Not bad?!

Look at the craftsmanship
on that handle.

Oh, all right, I'll
have half a dozen.

Right. That'll be...
500... sesterce.

500 sesterce? That's
a bit steep, innit?

I've got to make a
living, haven't I?

Oh, all right.

- I'll pay you when I see you.
- Right...

That Ankroll, great salesman.

I reckon the job's killing him.

Can't you go any faster?

Come on, you lazy scum - pull!

Pull!

Please...

Why do we have to have German
slaves pulling our chariot?

Because they're more economical
than Gauls, that's why.

You get more miles to
slave with a German.

This rain, my God!

When I think of the years I spent
trying to cultivate a good tan,

and what happens - I end
up in this shitholey.

This what?

Shitholey.

I think you'll find the
word's pronounced shith-ole.

Shith-ole.

Stupid language. Why do we
have to speak it anyway?

It's the Treaty of Occupation.
When in Rome...

These peasants should be
forced to learn Latin,

otherwise it'll end up
as a dead language.

- Rubbish.
- Look at that!

What does that mean?

Piss off Romans.

I'm not familiar with
the construction.

It's something Romani, isn't it?

Uh... piss off...

It's probably a word
of welcome, yes.

Like we say salvete Romani,
they say "Piss off, Romans".

- Piss off, Grasientus.
- Piss off, Aulus.

I like that. Piss off, Romans.

Come on, Badvoc.
Hurry up and throw.

Badvoc?

Well, say something.

Oh, my God! I've gone
deaf as well as blind.

Help! Somebody?

He's gone.

Thank heavens for that.

Is this one dead?

Badvoc?

Badvoc?

Where is he? Where's Badvoc?

After he bought the swords off Ankroll
he went off with some of his colleagues.

Talking about a welcoming committee
for the new Roman governor.

Oh, my God!

This is bad news. There's
gonna be big trouble.

I must get some of the veterans together.
There could be bloodshed.

Drink before you go?

For God's sake, man!

The new governor's about to be ambushed
and killed by the local tribal leader,

leading to what could be full-scale war,
and all you can talk about is drink!

Oh, my God, this is terrible!
I need a drink.

So much for your
tough German slaves.

Well, how was I to know they
all had defective hearts?

Look, just shut up and push.

- You mean shut up and pull.
- Yes, whatever. Bloody stupid language.

Agghhh!

What is it now?

I've got a splinter
in my finger.

It's tiny.

Ridiculous.

Look, just hold still.

Look, there we are.

There we are, there...

Salute Romani.

Nos multi...

- multi-syme...
- Multissime.

Multissimay...

What's happening?

He's trying to speak Latin.

Uh, no... Fellow?

It's all right. You see...

We... speak... British.

Oh, charming.

I am Badvoc, leader
of the Trinovantes.

We are here to welcome
you to Chelmsford.

Hello.

As a token of our goodwill we
would like to bestow upon you

these six swords crafted by our
finest swordsmith, the great Ankroll.

- The late Ankroll.
- Shut up.

Well, well, well...

What great kindness.

We are indeed honoured to
be greeted in such a way.

We had heard that you Britons were
a rough, dishonourable bunch.

These gifts, well...

Agghhh!

My friends, get down!
It's a trap!

I will save you. Fear not!

Functio, what the hell
are you doing here?

Badvoc, stop this
ambush at once.

Functio, you pillock - it's not an
ambush, it's a welcoming committee.

What about the swords?

A welcome to Chelmsford
present, you great wassock.

Oh, dear...

Sorry.

You've killed two of my men.

I'm sorry, Badvoc.

Two of my best men.

I have done you a great wrong.

You certainly have.

I paid them in advance.

I wonder if they've spent it yet.
Let's have a look.

Welcome to Wass' Tavern.

Ugghh! This is no place
for the human being.

You should be all right, then,
shouldn't you, Grasientus?

Aulus, mate, come and
meet some of the tribe.

- Mungo.
- Greetings. I didn't catch the name.

- They call me Mungo the Contradictory.
- Do they?

No.

He's got a wicked
sense of humour.

- Greetings, fellow.
- Hello, Marcus.

Marcus, this is Blag.

Ah, Blag.

That's an odd name, isn't it?
Is it short for something?

Yeah, it's short for the
great fat dozy git Blag.

- Ah, drink, gentlemen?
- Excellent. This is our taverner Wass.

- Greetings.
- Pleased to meet you.

- Does he do that all the time?
- Yes. A nervous tick.

Oh, there you are, you see. That's
the source of my confusion.

When he said you'd taken the swords - wink
wink - to give to Aulus - wink wink -

I thought...

You're a pillock, Functio.

Yes, my wife says that.

Ah, Gargamadua.

Hello, there.

What the hell are
you doing here?

Well, as the girlfriend of
the local tribal leader,

it seems only right I
should meet the Governor.

- What's it got to do with you?
- You never know...

He might take a fancy to me.

What?

He might ask me to go and
work at the Governor's villa.

Could be useful for you to have a
spy in the Roman headquarters.

Don't be ridiculous. If you had to
work for him, and were in his...

and he...

That's very clever for a woman.

- You should have been a man, you know.
- So should you.

Pardon?

I'm sure he could find
a position for me.

I'm sure he could find several.

You know what these
Romans are like - he

probably just wants to
give you one, dirty -

Aulus, this is my
betrothed, Gargamadua.

You're a very fortunate
man, Badvoc.

I am ashamed, Gargamadua, to have
only human words at my disposal.

Fragile and inadequate attempts
to describe your pulchritude.

I doubt very much that nature's magic
wand could conjure up a replica

of such peerless beauty.

He wants to give me one.

Yeah.

OK, Aulus, I'm sure my betrothed is
very honoured by your kind words.

Go and make me dinner.

Aulus, now that the elders are assembled I
think it right that you say a word or two.

How about goodbye?

Shut up, Grasientus.

People of Chelmsford...

I am overwhelmed by the warmth
and affection of this welcome.

I...

I know that Britain is
not as great as Rome,

although I predict that one day
she will be as great as...

Syria.

Or Cappadocia, or perhaps,
who knows, even Malta.

And so, in honour of this
auspicious occasion,

I would like to give you a
greeting in your own fair tongue.

And so I say to you, Britons...

piss off. Ripped By mstoll