Cheers (1982–1993): Season 9, Episode 6 - Grease - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Well, Rebecca, how are
you on this magnificent day?

None of your business.

(imitating John Wayne): Well, who
stuck a burr under your saddle, missy?

Sorry, Frasier, I've just
been in a bad mood lately.

Would you like to talk about it?

It might help to
alleviate your depression.

No, I really wouldn't feel
comfortable talking to you.

Why is that?

Because you know me too
well to think of me as a therapist?

No, because I saw you
dance around this bar



in your underwear, with
swizzle sticks in your ears,

when they brought
back Classic Coke.

Well, granted, that
wasn't my finest hour,

but you can taste
the difference.

Now, Rebecca,

counseling people is what I do.

Please let me help you.

(sighing): All right, Frasier.

It's just that I can't seem
to make anything work.

Robin is in prison.

I manage this crummy bar.

My career is at a standstill.

I'm miserable. I'm lonely.

And now, I have to
sell my Mercedes.



I see.

Well, I'll, uh... I'll
give you $5,000 cash

and take over your payments.

Six thousand firm. Deal.

Thank you.

Damn! It's good to heal.

(theme song begins)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

You know, Sam, this is a treat.

I've got this side
of the bar to myself.

I can drink my beer
and enjoy my newspaper

without being pummeled on
every side by inane chatter.

Yep.

Say, look... well, look at this.

There is barometric
pressure on Venus.

Now, how did they measure that?

Beats me.

A man was reunited with
his twin brother after 30 years.

They worked in the same
auto plant in Columbus, Ohio!

That's nice.

Say, would anybody like me to
read their, uh, their horoscope?

I'll, uh, start with Aries.

Somebody want to
play with Frasier, please?

Hi, Sammy.

Sorry I'm late.

There's a prison work crew
in the park across the street.

Man, you should have heard some
of those raunchy, sleazy, come-ons.

Pretty bad, huh? Oh, yeah.

I really outdid myself.

I should write a book.

Hey, Becks, you know, you
might be interested to know

that one of those cons out there

is your pasty-faced,
billionaire boyfriend.

Robin? Yeah.

He was out there
picking up trash.

I wonder if he was using
the same line he used on you.

My poor, sweet baby.

I better go see him.

Oh, wait... no, I better not.

If the other guys get jealous,
they might give him a hard time.

But then, if I don't go see him,

then he'll probably think
that I'm ashamed of him.

But if I see him, it might
be all too painful for him.

What should I do? I don't know.

What do you think I should do?

Twins in the same auto plant?

Come on, you guys.

You just don't care.

Honey, I'm trying
like hell to care.

Look, if it means
that much to you,

why don't you run outside
there and blow him a kiss.

Yeah, right.

Get him in trouble so he has
to spend the night in the box.

(sarcastically):
Blow him a kiss.

You heartless bastard.

Boy, it must be pretty rough
on ol' Robin Colcord, huh?

One day he's living
in a penthouse,

the next day he's picking
up trash with a stick.

You're loving this,
aren't you, Sammy?

Every minute.

Sam, you missed a great lunch.

Mr. Clavin and Mr. Peterson
treated me at the Hungry Heifer.

SAM: How was it?

Wednesday Ribscapade, Sammy.

End of story.

Well, where's the third member

of your gastronomic
suicide squad?

Mr. Peterson's
still at the Heifer.

Uh, you know, we
got some bad news.

They're gonna
tear the place down.

Oh, dear!

Well, I can see why Norm would
want to spend some final moments

of contemplation in the place
that meant so much to him.

No, no, he was just
sopping up some gravy

with a Parker House roll.

Well, each man
mourns in his own way.

I hope it doesn't
hit him too hard.

What's the big deal?

So they're leveling
another beef joint.

Another beef joint?

You obviously have
never been there

for "You Keep the Hoof" night.

Well, you know, this
is not atypical behavior.

I mean, many people
can form emotional bonds

to significant
places in their lives.

I think we should
all be very sensitive

to what Norm is going through.

Yeah, you know,
that's a good idea, Fras.

Maybe we shouldn't say
anything to remind him

of the Hungry Heifer
when he comes back here.

You know, maybe not say any
words like, uh, "beef" or "meat."

Sam, what about "meet" as in,
"Let's meet for dinner tonight?"

Yeah. That'd be fine, Woody.

Great. W-Where
do you want to go?

You feel like Chinese?

You know, on second thought,
maybe that's not a good idea.

That's why I asked.

Afternoon, everybody.

GROUP: Norm!

Hey, how's life treatin'
you, there, Norm?

Beats me...

then it kicks me and
leaves me for dead.

Well, here's a... here's a
cold one for you there, buddy.

Hey, uh, Norm,

how about some of
these extra-salty pretzels

you so heartily enjoy, huh?

You're welcome to share
some of my beer nuts, if you like.

Meat!

(all clamoring)

Aw, everybody was thinking it!

I was the only one who
had the guts to say it!

We're sorry, man.

We-We-We feel bad
'cause we know how much

the Hungry Heifer means to you.

You don't know the
half of it, Sammy.

I love the Heifer.

SAM: Aww...

Don't know what I'm
gonna do without that place.

It was like my home
away from Cheers.

If you'll excuse me, guys, I...

just want to be alone.

Hey, whoa! Ho.

Not that alone.

Well, they're carting
the cons away.

Robin's leaving?

Yeah, just loaded him

and his sunburned
pals into the van.

Mm, he was red as a lobster.

Bet he blisters.

Carla, honey, I
don't think Rebecca

wants to talk
about this right now.

I mean, after all,
her guy's in jail.

I mean, she's
lonely, she's hurting.

She's a woman in need.

She misses her man.

(sighing): I do, Sam. I do.

Say, hon...

I just want to say that...

I know what you're
going through right now,

and if there's anything
I can do for you,

or to you...

I'm here for you.

Or there for you or on
the floor for you, it's...

Gee, Sam.

When you put it like
that, you make me sick.

Well, you think
about it, though...

I mean, 'cause you're
thinking about it right now.

I bet if I took an
X-ray of your brain,

I'd be lying, right
stretched out all naked.

Don't leave out
the tag on your toe.

Would that tag happen to say:

"For a good time,
follow this leg?"

(laughing): Whee!

I sure know how to
make my own fun, don't I?

Guys, look, uh, sorry I
was getting all emotional

about the Hungry
Heifer, I mean...

Aw...

It's just that I'm
losing someplace

that's so close to my heart.

Don't you mean
clogging your heart?

Well, Norm, there
are other restaurants.

NORM: It's not
just the restaurant,

it's the owner, okay?

Sid Nelson.

He's a funny kind
of guy, you know?

He's all tough on the outside,

but really soft and
mushy on the inside.

Hmm. Not unlike his entire menu.

Anyway, Sid was
always there for me.

Not unlike his entire menu.

I remember one time, in college,

I had to stay up all night
to finish a term paper.

Sid stayed up with
me till we finished it.

We also finished a
two-pound onion loaf.

Well, Norm, I don't blame
you for being depressed.

No... depressed?

Come on.

You know, life's only
temporary anyway, right?

When you're born,
blah-blah-blah, you die.

Geez, Norm, I-I look at you
and I see a man at a crossroads.

This may be your very
first brush with mortality,

with the temporal
nature of things.

You may feel futile now,

but there are ways
to combat that.

Yeah? How?

Well, by guaranteeing
your own immortality.

By leaving your
mark on the world.

He always leaves
two dents on the stool.

Carla, please.

Well, he does! Big ones, too!

When he goes home at night,

this stool looks like
it has a Mohawk!

Look, I was hoping for something

a little more
life-affirming, thank you!

Now, Norm, there are... there
are many roads open to you.

Geez, you... well, you
could do something

to help save the Hungry Heifer.

Or, well, better yet, you could
help do something to save yourself!

Turn over a new leaf.

You could diet, exercise,
work for a charitable cause.

Or, if you want the ultimate way

of guaranteeing
your immortality,

go home to Vera and start
a family right this minute.

Frasier... you are right.

When you're
right, you are right!

I am gonna do it!

(friends shouting encouragement)

I'm gonna save
the Hungry Heifer!

Well, what about,
uh, dieting, exercise,

making a baby with Vera?

Pfft! You do it.

Hey, Sammy. Hey.

Here you go.

SAM: Enjoy yourself?

Ho-ho, yeah!

I tell you, you haven't lived
until you've washed a car

in front of a bunch
of drooling cons.

(laughs) Ooh!

Just like in Cool
Hand Luke! Whoo!

Here you go, Fras.

Thank you.

What do we got here now?

Uh, Joe... Marty...

Who had the powder-blue Caddy?

Carla, how's it going out there?

How does Robin look? Okay.

He was being pushed around
by this big old hunk of a guard.

His name is Vince and
he has got some muscles,

I'm telling you.

He could snap Robin's
neck like a number-two pencil.

But he didn't hurt
Robin, did he?

I mean, Robin's okay, isn't he?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

Anyway, then this, uh, Vince,

he gets a load of me
and my bucket of suds

and he starts flexing.

But Robin... Robin... he
gets dehydrated easily.

Robin, Robin, Robin.

So your boyfriend's
in prison! Boo-hoo!

Can't you be happy for
someone else for a change?!

Hey, don't listen to her.

She's trying to get
under your skin.

I can see how much
this must be hurting you.

Watching the man you love
out there in the sun all day long

picking up garbage

while a whole city looks
at him, and laughs at him.

Thanks for
understanding, Sam. Yeah.

You really do relish
this, don't you, Sam?

Every single minute.

Come on, stop moping around.

Look, why don't you do what
any woman would do for her man...

Strip to your skivvies, grab a
chamois and wash a couple of cars.

Get your front wet.

I don't think Robin
would respond

to something cheap like that.

Oh, yeah? You should
have seen how fast

he stabbed that
trash when I did it.

FRASIER: Hey, uh, Norm,

how's it going with the
petition to save the Heifer, huh?

Great. Got a hundred more
signatures back there. Hey, all right.

Although I am getting a
little bit of writer's cramp.

Well, I wish you
luck, Mr. P. Yeah?

I know how hard it is to
get people to sign a petition.

Yeah, I remember
back in Hanover...

I tried to gather signatures
to rebuild the town band shell

after the Fourth
of July explosion.

I had a heck of a time.

I couldn't even get my
Uncle Elwood to sign.

Oh. Couldn't even
convince your uncle, huh?

Oh, he was convinced.

He just couldn't grip the pen.

See, he was, he was in charge

of lighting the fireworks.

They had extra small
fuses that year. No-no...

Time to pound the pavement.

If I get like a hundred
more signatures,

I can bring this
petition over to City Hall.

Good for you.

Frasier, you were
absolutely right.

This feels right.
This feels great.

It's been a long time since

I pounded the bricks

for a cause.

Oh I can't stand thinking
of Robin out there

in the blazing sun.

Aw, honey, well,
I'll tell you what,

let me, uh, let me put
on a song here for you,

take your mind off of things.

No, Sam, that's not gonna work.

All right, go
ahead. It doesn't...

♪ ...situation thought
I could take them... ♪

Dang it, Sam, turn it off.

♪ For a while, baby... ♪

Is that your idea of a song
that's gonna cheer me up?

Well, hey, it's
got a great beat.

It's easy to pick up trash to.

You just can go on with
your stupid little idiotic

nasty jokes because
you know what?

I love Robin and I'm
going to remain loyal to him,

like it says right there,

B-14, "Stand By Your Man."

♪ I'm just sitting here in... ♪

♪ For a while, baby, I
never thought I could wait... ♪

♪ I'm just sitting here in... ♪

♪ For a while, baby, I
never thought I could wait... ♪

Cliff, you want to
go shoot some stick?

Let's shoot some stick, Doctor.

Oh, hey, before you go
back there, Dr. Crane,

I should tell you that
Carla's keeping a guard

on the pool table.

Why is she doing that?

I guess she likes him.

Afternoon, everybody.

ALL: Norm!

Hey, how would a
beer feel, Mr. Peterson?

Pretty nervous if
I was in the room.

In fact, let me buy a
beer for everybody, okay?

All right! Thank you, Norm!

Guys, I have saved
the Hungry Heifer.

(all cheering)

That's great. How'd you do it?

Well, I went over to City Hall
to drop off the petition right?

Stopped in to do
a little research.

It turns out that
the Hungry Heifer

is the only building on the
entire Eastern Seaboard

that has a giant red-eyed
steam-snorting bull on the roof.

What about Hub's Steak Hut?

It's gone.

Well, Lucky Chucky's
Chuck House?

Struck by lightning.

Bill's Place for Steak?

Stolen.

Wow. That really
is the end of an era.

Yeah. Wonder who's next.

Are they gonna take down
those big buckets of chicken?

There's a message
in this for the Big Boy:

get rid of those overalls
and get a real job.

Yeah. You know who
doesn't have to worry?

Denny.

Nobody knows what he looks like.

Oh, sorry, was that out loud?

NORM: Anyway, the city planner's

office issued a
temporary injunction

against any demolition

until it can be determined
whether the Hungry Heifer

can be declared a
roadside landmark.

Oh, congratulations, Norm.

Gentlemen, start your enzymes.

(chanting): Norm. Norm. Norm.

Norm. Norm... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna invite you guys all
to the Hungry Heifer tonight.

Well, what was supposed to
be a sad little farewell dinner

is gonna turn into the happiest
meal of Mr. Sid Nelson's life.

Everyone's gonna be there, guys.

Even the Big Eaters Circle.

You in that, Mr. P?

Oh, no, no, Woody, please.

This is a closed table.

I mean, someone has to die
before you can get a seat there.

Wow, too bad.

Oh, no. These guys drop dead

like once a week.

I've got a real
shot at it, I think.

Say, honey, I hate to
bother you, you know,

with Robin on your
mind and everything,

but I just bought
some new clothes.

I'd like a woman's
point of view.

Fine. Let's see them.

Hit it, Fras.

Our model, Sam, is sporting

the latest in "big house" chic.

This ensemble

is equally appropriate

for playing the harmonica
or just crushing rocks.

It comes complete with anklet

and matching trash ka-bob,

made popular by
billionaire swindler,

Robin Colcord.

You think you're
hilarious, don't you, Sam?

Well, I bring the party
with me, don't I, babe?

Optional with this outfit
is a matching set of,

uh, tattoos reading:
"Born to Raise Hell"

and, uh, "It's Society's Fault."

You guys, don't encourage him.

Guys, guys, guys, look at this.

Quick impression
of Robin Colcord.

(British accent): Blimey.

There's a lot of trash on
the ground, isn't there?

Well, I'll just have to impale
it and flush it down the loo.

Cor.

Look, it's all over the place.

Look at that. Look
at that. Look at that.

All right, that's it. Let's go.

You're spending
the night in the box.

(laughing)

What're you talking about, man?

Hey, what're you doing?

I'm not one of your prisoners.

I know, but you stabbed my foot.

And I got a gun.

So you're spending
the night in the box.

It was an accident.

I didn't mean... Guys, do
something, will you, Rebecca?

Okay, Sam.

♪ I'm just sitting here... ♪

Oh, great.

She's got a problem.

Okay, all right.

Attention please. (banging)

Attention please.

Okay, before we
get to the ceremony,

I'd like to make a
little announcement.

Because of tonight's
very special occasion,

the fudge volcano will keep
erupting for one more hour.

(cheering and applause)

All right, there we go, yeah.

Okay.

The Big Eaters
Circle. All right.

Now, I'd like to
introduce to you folks,

the owner and operator
of the Hungry Heifer,

our very special
guest, Mr. Sid Nelson.

(cheering)

(chanting): Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid.

Sid. Sid. Sid.

Sid. Sid...

Let me get right
to the point, Sid.

I knew you were expecting a
tearful farewell dinner here tonight,

but, uh, that is not
going to happen.

What are you talking about?

Well, the Hungry Heifer is
not going to be torn down.

What are you talking about?

NORM: Perhaps
this piece of paper

will help explain things, Sid.

This is an injunction,

making the Hungry Heifer
immune to any wrecking ball.

It will be here for our children
and our children's children.

Sid obviously wasn't
prepared for this happy news.

Uh, tell you what, uh...

have the band strike
up another tune, okay?

Oh, the band felt
bloated and left.

You've got to pace yourself.

Sid.

Sid, what are you doing?

You could start a
grease fire in here.

I mean, I know you
have them every day,

but this one could
get out of hand.

You jerk. You ruined everything.

But I thought you'd be happy.

Happy? Why should I be happy?

The developers were going to give
me three times what this joint is worth.

I didn't know you wanted
out of this place, Sid.

Why?

How would you like to
spend seven days a week

up to your elbows in cow flesh?

Sid, I never knew
you felt this way.

Well, I didn't always.

But, I don't know,
this is the '90s, Norm.

We've learned a lot
about the kind of poisons

we've been putting
into our bodies.

Now, you look at that.

You see some T-bones
and a rump roast.

I see a loaded gun.

I've been carrying it around
with me for a long time, Norm,

the guilt for what I've been
doing to bodies like yours.

I thought I had a way out.

I could sell the place to
the, to the lube syndicate.

But... I guess the only
way out for me now

is just to torch the place.

Hey, no, no, you can't...

Sid, you cannot burn
down the Hungry Heifer.

Yeah. I guess you're right.

Yeah.

I'd be the first
one they'd suspect.

But who am I gonna
get to do it for me, Norm?

I've got no family.

Who's gonna light
the match for me.

I've got no son.

You're the one who
came closest to that for me.

Thank you, Sid.

Light the match.

No, no. There's no way

I'm gonna let you go
through with this. No.

I'm an old man, Norm.

I've got nothing
to look forward to.

Light the match.

Look, there's no way I'm gonna
let you go through with this.

Hey, you mean too
much to me, all right?

I mean... look, I
never said this...

to my own father,

but I... I love you, Sid.

Hey, I didn't know you
felt like that, Norm. Yeah.

Gee, I love you, too.

Thank you, Sid.

Light the match.

Would you stop with
the matches, Sid?

Just stop with it.

So, Sid finally
came around, huh?

Yeah. You bet he did. Yeah.
WOODY: How'd you convince him?

Well, I told him he could
serve a healthier menu,

uh, smaller portions,

leaner cuts of beef.

He's actually gonna put
some greens in the salad bar.

Oh. You know we
could change the name

to the Healthy Heifer.

Yeah.

I think I really turned
his life around today.

What the hell...?

Sid... Sid!

What's going on?

This is Gus, the busboy.

Now he's the son I never had.

Fire!

Fire!