Cheers (1982–1993): Season 9, Episode 5 - Ma Always Liked You Better - full transcript
A public works crew is doing some construction at the top of the bar stairwell, which is causing a slow-down in bar business. Sam wants to grease the wheels by bribing the workmen with free beer, but Rebecca refuses. The workmen initiate a work slow-down. After that Sam, thinks they have to up the bribe ante, but again Rebecca refuses. As such, Rebecca suggests building a back entrance to the bar from the alley. During that work, Norm gets stuck between the iron bars in the back window. They call in the police to get him unstuck. Rebecca uses this situation as an inopportune time to implement the earlier lesson from Sam. Meanwhile, Ma Clavin comes back to Boston for a visit. Cliff, with his new bachelor lifestyle, doesn't want her to stay with him. Woody, on the other hand, offers his place to Ma Clavin. Woody becomes Ma Clavin's surrogate son. The two of them have a great time together. Cliff initially feigns disinterest in Ma and Woody's relationship, but after Ma calls Woody "son", Cliff admits that he wants his Ma back. Is there enough love in Ma's heart for two sons, and conversely can Cliff and Woody share a Ma?
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Oh, Knight of the Pentacles.
I wouldn't want to be in
your shoes, Mr. Petersen.
Woody, are those Tarot cards?
Yeah.
What are you doing?
You have to be careful
with those things.
Ah, yes, the awesome power
and dreaded prophecy of the Tarot.
So ancient and mysterious
that no one knows its
history, not even me.
Well, that's a relief.
Woody, you idiot.
Don't mess with
the supernatural.
Have I taught you
nothing about bad juju?
Relax, Carla. I've
done this before.
Now, where were
we, Mr. Petersen?
Have you got any Grim Reapers?
Nope. Go fish.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ The troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
(loud jackhammering)
(shouting): Carla, can
I have a beer, please?
(shouting): What?
(shouting louder): Can
I have a beer, please? 1
(shouting louder): What?!
(noise stops) Ca...
(normal voice): Can I
have a beer, please?
(shouting): What?!
They stopped the
hammering, okay?
(shouting): I know,
I'm just torturing you!
Finally stopped,
huh? It must be noon.
Actually, I've
only got ten till.
Oh, yeah, union guys.
Yep.
When are those guys
gonna be finished?
They're killing our business.
Nobody can come
through the front door.
That's okay.
The foreman promised me
it's just a one-day job, hon.
I hope so.
What are they doing
up there anyway?
Why doesn't someone go see?
Well, it's all the way
upstairs, you know.
Maybe we could call somebody.
Yeah, the phone's
way over there.
We could turn on the TV.
It might be on the
news or something.
Clicker's in the poolroom.
Well, I guess we'll never know.
If you people aren't the laziest
beer sponges I have ever seen.
I mean, if you want
to know what's
going on out there,
why doesn't
somebody go and look?
Why doesn't somebody just get up
off their rusty-dusty
and go look?
Oh, hey, maybe I should
have asked him to return this.
(Frasier yelling) (loud crash)
Oh, too late.
Maybe we should
go see if he's all right.
Aw, it's all the way
upstairs, you know.
So, Fras,
what are they doing up there?
Well, as near as I can tell,
they're replacing the top
step with a six-foot hole.
(laughing)
You know, you people
wouldn't be laughing if
you knew that I have
a severe dust allergy.
(laughing harder)
I'm serious.
I could have fallen
and broken my neck.
Stop, Dr. Crane.
Let me catch my breath.
Hey, there's the guy
who took the header
into our ditch.
Hey, why'd you do that, man?
You almost broke your neck.
Hey, don't get him started.
He's got this whole routine.
Can I help you guys?
Yeah, you can help us
out with a couple of beers.
That'll be five dollars.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We can't have our boys in
the trenches paying for this.
No-no, much better they
spend their valuable time
finishing their work upstairs
than digging around in their
wallets for the exact change.
Now, here's a man who
understands the construction business.
What are you doing?
What am I doing?
I'm greasing the
construction workers.
Ooh, that'd make a great
title for my autobiography.
This is disgusting.
What?
Bribing those men
to do their job?
What happened to an honest
day's work for an honest day's pay?
(Frasier laughing)
Now, that is funny. (laughing)
Nothing will top the one
about you breaking your neck.
It's all in the delivery.
Excuse me, uh, that was
a very nice gesture of Sam,
but I'm the manager here,
and I am responsible
for receiving payment
for services rendered.
Honey, honey, don't...
No, no, no, the lady's
got the right idea...
Pride in workmanship.
You have inspired us to go out
and do our job as well as we can,
no matter how long it takes.
After all, we're craftsmen.
You see?
Well, that was Ma.
Her flight got in
a little bit early,
and, uh, she'll be by as
soon as she grabs a cab.
Your mom's in town? Yeah.
Why don't you go pick her up?
Oh, Normie, that would
set exactly the wrong tone
for this visit.
You know why she's here.
She wants to move
back in with me.
Well, she can just
forget it, I tell you.
She's not gonna be
running my life like she did
when I was in my
mid-30s, no, sirree, sir.
No-no. I'm a new
Cliff Clavin, new man.
Oh, hey, yeah, I'd
be happy to see her.
I'd take her out to
dinner, give her a perm,
but that's about it.
I don't get it, Mr. Clavin.
I thought you liked
your mom... a lot.
A whole lot.
Too much to be healthy, really.
Why don't I hear
any jackhammering?
I don't know.
Why don't you, uh, go
on up there and find out
what they're doing and
come back and let us know?
Right, Carla.
And then I would probably
fall in a hole or something.
What do you
think I am, an idiot?
We prefer the
term, hapless victim.
I'll tell you why you don't
hear any jackhammering.
They're pulling a
slowdown up there.
WORKER: Good heavens.
I laced my boot incorrectly.
I'll have to start
all over again.
Oh, man, this is
making me crazy.
They're gonna be
here for a month.
Look, I'm sorry, Rebecca.
You gotta go up and give
that guy this $50 he dropped.
As a matter of fact, I think
they both dropped $50. There.
No, Sam, I'm not gonna do this.
You cannot bribe those men.
It's a matter of principle.
Rebecca, it's like
the cardinal rule of the
free enterprise system.
You pay somebody more
money, they work faster.
Hey, look at this.
We're getting a raise
at the post office.
The exception
that proves the rule.
No, you see...
Sam, no, no, you
made me the manager.
You gave me the authority
to handle these problems.
So let me just do it my own way.
Okay, Manager, what
are you gonna do?
Well, I think we'll just make
an entrance through the alley.
Oh, you've got to be kidding.
What are you gonna do,
bust a hole in my wall?
NORM: Well, actually, Sam,
you know that window, the
leaded stained glass window
is in a single wooden frame,
so I think you could pop it out
fairly easily with a crowbar.
I think the opening's
like four by eight,
which is perfectly good
for a standard entrance.
You build a little staircase
and you've got yourself
a nice little doorway.
Well, you've put a
lot of thought into this.
It's always been a dream of mine
to someday retire and build
a little apartment back there.
Hello, Clifford.
Hey, Ma! Hey, look.
Come on here. Ah...
(chuckling)
My, everybody
has filled out nicely.
Well, say, Mrs. Clavin, if
you don't mind my asking,
uh, how did you, happen
to negotiate that hole
up at the top of the stairs?
Oh, I just hiked up my
skirt and hopped across.
No big deal.
Although those
construction boys told me
some jackass actually fell in.
Can you believe that?
(laughs)
I'm a boob. I'm a big, fat boob.
CLIFF: So, uh, Ma,
what made you decide to
blow into town all of a sudden?
Well you know how much I enjoy
the historically rich
sport of dog racing.
Who doesn't?
It turned out I enjoyed it
a bit too much last Friday,
and, uh, let's just say I owe
some people some money.
Whoops.
Well, the dog I put all my money on,
apparently had a parasitic condition.
He scooted the last 75 yards.
He got the most laughs,
but they don't pay on laughs.
Anyway, it gives me
a chance to catch
up with my little boy.
I'm looking forward to
seeing what you're doing
with your life and how
we can go about fixing it.
I, uh, appreciate
the thought, Ma,
but, I don't have
anything that needs fixing.
See, I, uh, I've
got a new lifestyle.
I, uh, I like it.
Clifford, is it really
a new lifestyle,
or is it just an excuse
to walk around your
apartment half naked?
It's, uh, not an
either-or situation, Ma.
I suppose there's no room
in this playboy pad of yours
for somebody's mother?
Thank you for, uh, being
so understanding, Ma.
Oh.
Well, I certainly don't want
to be a burden to you, Clifford.
Lord knows you
weren't a burden to me
when I was in labor
with you for 72 hours.
Whoa. 72 hours?
He had those wide hips.
I got you a great hotel here.
Look, it's got HBO... You
shouldn't go to that expense.
All I need is a large
appliance carton,
and I can sleep on the street...
with all the other
forgotten mothers.
You can stay with me.
Are you sure you don't have
a lifestyle I'd be intruding on?
Not that I know of.
Well, then I'd be glad to.
What's your name?
Woody. Woody.
Oh, that's the name of a boy
whose mother raised him right.
Really?
'Cause I looked it up and
all I could find was "treelike."
Well, let's get you
settled in, huh, Mrs. Cla...
No, no, hey, hey, Woody,
my mother doesn't want
to impose on anybody.
Oh, suddenly he's an
expert on my desires.
I certainly do want
to stay with Woody.
I like him.
He's sweet and thoughtful, and
look at those nice, narrow hips.
I'll bet you shot
out like a bullet.
Well, Norm's got the window out.
Now he's starting
on the iron bars.
When he's finished,
anybody who wants to
can come into this bar
right through that alley.
(barking)
What was that?
Two big dogs
chasing a Chihuahua.
At least I think it
was a Chihuahua.
If the health department
asks, it was a Chihuahua.
Thanks for giving
me a lift, Ma Clavin.
My pleasure, Woody.
Here's your lunch.
I cut the grapes in half,
but should one lodge
in your esophagus,
remember the international
sign for choking is this.
Uh, how come you
never taught me that, Ma?
Oh, Clifford.
With that windpipe of yours,
it would take a knockwurst
to cut off your air.
I'll be home at 7:00.
Don't be late.
I'm stopping at the video store
to pick up the rest of the
Police Academy cycle.
Ah... Oh,
I love that handsome,
young African American
who makes those funny
noises with his mouth.
Yeah, he's a hoot, isn't he?
Yes, he is.
And you can tell by watching him
he's very respectful
to his mother.
Ma, are you mad at me?
I'd have to care to be mad.
Look, Ma, I didn't say
I never wanted to see you
again, for crying out loud.
Listen, why don't you come over
and we watch uh,
Jeopardy tonight, huh?
Just come on over
to the apartment.
Oh, praise God, I've
been invited to Xanadu.
Actually, Clifford, I happen to
have a previous engagement.
(inaudible whispering)
No... no... no... no.
Oh, all right.
Clifford, we'd be delighted
to have you join us for
Police Academy tonight.
Oh, no, that's okay, Ma.
I'm just gonna have
a lot of fun right here.
I'm as happy as a lark.
Well, actually, Mr. Clavin,
the lark is a very
depressed bird.
It has one of the highest
suicide rates in the entire
ornithological kingdom.
Interestingly
enough, its song...
is more of a dirge.
Is more of a dirge.
You've been teaching him
bird trivia, haven't you, Ma?
Woody is the best
student I've had, bar none.
Huh. I know what you're trying to
do, Ma, and it's not going to work.
You're trying to
make me jealous.
Huh. Well, I'm not going to be
asking you to move back in with me.
Don't you worry.
I know your wily ways.
You see, you're forgetting,
I am a graduate student
of the Esther Clavin School
of Emotional Blackmail.
Well, that, and a nickel will
get you a civil service job.
Back off, Ma.
Clifford, I'm not trying
to get you jealous.
I don't have to.
I found a wonderful
companion in Woody.
He's like the son I never had.
Well, what about me?
You are the son I did have.
Yeah, I'm telling you,
Norm, I really let Ma have it.
I cut clean.
Well, I'll have to take
your word for it, Cliff.
Yeah, it really feels good to
get that monkey off my back.
Whatever you say.
Yeah, she's out of there,
gone, good-bye, finito.
Cliff, what do I have to say
to make you stop talking?
Yes, sir, today I
am a man, Norm.
How about, "I've got a crowbar?"
(chuckles)
Oh, hey, Rebecca, come on,
you be Ma again and
I'll be me, all right?
Oh, Cliff, you know, Sam
does a lot better Ma than I do.
Oh, yeah, right, right.
All right, Ma, get off my back!
SAM: I'm busy, Cliff.
Oh, no, no, Sam.
There's too much
love in your voice.
I think that ought to do it.
What do you mean
"that ought to do it?"
You need to cut
another bar out of there.
People have to
squeeze through there.
Rebecca, trust me.
I've spent a lifetime
learning how to do
the least amount of
work for any given task.
This'll fit the bill.
I-I just don't think
anybody's really gonna
be able to fit through there.
Even I could fit through there.
Watch this. Look.
You just... you just sort of...
(grunting): up and through...
Well, that's it.
That's it what?
You're not halfway through.
No, that's it, I'm stuck.
I'll be in Cheers
the rest of my life.
Guess you have to be
careful what you wish for.
Let me see if I can
get you unstuck.
(grunting)
Oh, gosh.
That's it, you are stuck.
Sam! Carla!
You'd better hurry, Rebecca,
'cause I think I see that
damned Chihuahua again.
Hey, there's a whole
pack of Chihuahuas.
I hope they're Chihuahuas!
Oh, my God!
You okay out there?
Yeah.
I think they're as afraid
of me as I am of them.
Yeah, except you
don't carry rabies
and have razor-sharp teeth.
Yeah, but they don't know that.
Boy, you really are
wedged in there.
Is that Norm?
Geez, you know, I
didn't recognize you
without the bar stool attached.
(laughing)
Hey, you know who he looks like?
Winnie the Pooh.
Oh, Carla's right. Yeah.
Yeah, in that story where
he eats too much honey
and gets stuck in Rabbit's hole.
Yeah, well, how
did they get him out?
Oh, it's hilarious.
They starved him
for a couple of weeks,
then yanked him out.
Yeah. Now, when he got out,
did Winnie the Pooh sue
the damned Rabbit, huh?
Come on, man,
lighten up, will you?
Oh, sorry, Sammie.
I'm just upset, okay?
No, I mean, you're
like dead weight here.
Push, pull, do something.
Yeah, so I told her,
"Pack your bags.
Go on, hit the skids. I
don't need you anymore."
What's the matter
with him? Girl trouble?
Well, sort of.
Now I'll just have
to raise myself.
Well, the hard work's
already done though.
Where is the child
that's stuck in the fence?
Oh, good, you're here.
Uh, back this way,
in the poolroom.
"Child stuck in the fence?"
Well, every time I said,
"Accountant stuck in a window,"
they just laughed and hung up.
REBECCA: It's back here.
Oh, Woody, that was fun.
It's so nice to go
shopping for shelf paper
with somebody who doesn't
nitpick over every design.
Ma, when are you gonna stop
taking those potshots at me?
When it stops being fun.
Excuse me, Woody.
I'm gonna go powder my nose.
Your nose looks
fine, Mother Clavin.
That's just an expression, son.
Ah.
Son?
She's, uh, calling
you "son" now?
Well, that's just an expression.
You know, like "powder my nose."
I understand, Woody.
I want to thank you, really,
for all you've done for my ma,
you know, giving her a
place to live and everything.
There's one thing
my sense of pride
won't allow me to say to her,
but I know I can talk to
you about it man-to-man.
(crying): I want my mommy back.
You can't have her
back. You gave her up.
Wood, I miss her!
Well, if I give her to
you, then I'll miss her, too.
Can't we share?
I don't want to share!
Oh, for God's sake!
You're acting like children.
Now, listen, Woody,
Esther Clavin is
Cliff's natural mother.
Therefore, logic
would dictate that, uh,
well, Cliff gets first dibs.
Well, Woody, are we
ready to line some shelves
with flags of the world?
Woody?
Woody, if you stick that
lower lip out any further,
a pigeon's gonna land on it.
You know that they like
shiny, ledge-like surfaces.
(crying): Don't bring up
bird trivia now, Mother Clavin.
It hurts too much.
Why, Woody, whatever
are you talking about?
(crying and mumbling)
All right, all right, all right.
Is this true, Clifford?
Yeah, Ma, it is.
I want you back.
Well, is there room for me in
that singles' paradise of yours?
I'll, I'll make room.
Well, I made room
for you, Mother Clavin.
I'll make room in your face!
No, no, no, no. Now, now, boys,
let's not get into a Cain
and Abel situation here.
I can love you both
for different reasons.
Woody, I can love you
because you're generous
and kind and strong.
And Clifford, I can love you
because I'm your
biological mother,
and nature dictates
there be a bond.
Now, boys,
I've got plenty
of love for both,
and Lord knows I've
got plenty of shelf paper.
I'll tell you what,
let's get cracking.
We can do both of your
apartments before dark.
Got to do mine first.
Not if I get to the car first.
Yeah, well, you're not going
to do that until you beat me.
I can. No, you can't!
Boys, watch out for the hole!
(Woody and Cliff
yelling) (loud crash)
Yes, they are my
children all right.
Both dumb as dishwater.
Well, we can get him out,
but we're gonna have to
bring in the Jaws of Life.
He's really stuck in there.
Yeah, it remind me of
that Winnie the Pooh story.
Say, how'd he get
stuck in there, anyway?
Well, he ate up all
of Rabbit's honey...
No, I mean this guy.
Uh, we were, uh,
building a new entrance.
Do you have a permit for that?
Oh. He wants a permit.
This time we'll
handle it your way.
No. Yes. Yes, I'll do it.
Let me just reach into
my magic-permit pocket.
No, no. Yes, yes.
And, oh, here's
a nice little permit
with a picture of
General Grant on it.
What are you doing? (chuckles)
What, like you have
never been bribed before?
Are you trying to
give us this 50 bucks?
What, 50 isn't enough?
How about 100?
All right, you're
under arrest. Come on.
Sam, would you get my checkbook?
So you guys ought
to have me out of here
in just a few minutes, huh?
Right, guys?
Guys!
Vera?
a live studio audience.
Oh, Knight of the Pentacles.
I wouldn't want to be in
your shoes, Mr. Petersen.
Woody, are those Tarot cards?
Yeah.
What are you doing?
You have to be careful
with those things.
Ah, yes, the awesome power
and dreaded prophecy of the Tarot.
So ancient and mysterious
that no one knows its
history, not even me.
Well, that's a relief.
Woody, you idiot.
Don't mess with
the supernatural.
Have I taught you
nothing about bad juju?
Relax, Carla. I've
done this before.
Now, where were
we, Mr. Petersen?
Have you got any Grim Reapers?
Nope. Go fish.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Takin' a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ The troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
(loud jackhammering)
(shouting): Carla, can
I have a beer, please?
(shouting): What?
(shouting louder): Can
I have a beer, please? 1
(shouting louder): What?!
(noise stops) Ca...
(normal voice): Can I
have a beer, please?
(shouting): What?!
They stopped the
hammering, okay?
(shouting): I know,
I'm just torturing you!
Finally stopped,
huh? It must be noon.
Actually, I've
only got ten till.
Oh, yeah, union guys.
Yep.
When are those guys
gonna be finished?
They're killing our business.
Nobody can come
through the front door.
That's okay.
The foreman promised me
it's just a one-day job, hon.
I hope so.
What are they doing
up there anyway?
Why doesn't someone go see?
Well, it's all the way
upstairs, you know.
Maybe we could call somebody.
Yeah, the phone's
way over there.
We could turn on the TV.
It might be on the
news or something.
Clicker's in the poolroom.
Well, I guess we'll never know.
If you people aren't the laziest
beer sponges I have ever seen.
I mean, if you want
to know what's
going on out there,
why doesn't
somebody go and look?
Why doesn't somebody just get up
off their rusty-dusty
and go look?
Oh, hey, maybe I should
have asked him to return this.
(Frasier yelling) (loud crash)
Oh, too late.
Maybe we should
go see if he's all right.
Aw, it's all the way
upstairs, you know.
So, Fras,
what are they doing up there?
Well, as near as I can tell,
they're replacing the top
step with a six-foot hole.
(laughing)
You know, you people
wouldn't be laughing if
you knew that I have
a severe dust allergy.
(laughing harder)
I'm serious.
I could have fallen
and broken my neck.
Stop, Dr. Crane.
Let me catch my breath.
Hey, there's the guy
who took the header
into our ditch.
Hey, why'd you do that, man?
You almost broke your neck.
Hey, don't get him started.
He's got this whole routine.
Can I help you guys?
Yeah, you can help us
out with a couple of beers.
That'll be five dollars.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We can't have our boys in
the trenches paying for this.
No-no, much better they
spend their valuable time
finishing their work upstairs
than digging around in their
wallets for the exact change.
Now, here's a man who
understands the construction business.
What are you doing?
What am I doing?
I'm greasing the
construction workers.
Ooh, that'd make a great
title for my autobiography.
This is disgusting.
What?
Bribing those men
to do their job?
What happened to an honest
day's work for an honest day's pay?
(Frasier laughing)
Now, that is funny. (laughing)
Nothing will top the one
about you breaking your neck.
It's all in the delivery.
Excuse me, uh, that was
a very nice gesture of Sam,
but I'm the manager here,
and I am responsible
for receiving payment
for services rendered.
Honey, honey, don't...
No, no, no, the lady's
got the right idea...
Pride in workmanship.
You have inspired us to go out
and do our job as well as we can,
no matter how long it takes.
After all, we're craftsmen.
You see?
Well, that was Ma.
Her flight got in
a little bit early,
and, uh, she'll be by as
soon as she grabs a cab.
Your mom's in town? Yeah.
Why don't you go pick her up?
Oh, Normie, that would
set exactly the wrong tone
for this visit.
You know why she's here.
She wants to move
back in with me.
Well, she can just
forget it, I tell you.
She's not gonna be
running my life like she did
when I was in my
mid-30s, no, sirree, sir.
No-no. I'm a new
Cliff Clavin, new man.
Oh, hey, yeah, I'd
be happy to see her.
I'd take her out to
dinner, give her a perm,
but that's about it.
I don't get it, Mr. Clavin.
I thought you liked
your mom... a lot.
A whole lot.
Too much to be healthy, really.
Why don't I hear
any jackhammering?
I don't know.
Why don't you, uh, go
on up there and find out
what they're doing and
come back and let us know?
Right, Carla.
And then I would probably
fall in a hole or something.
What do you
think I am, an idiot?
We prefer the
term, hapless victim.
I'll tell you why you don't
hear any jackhammering.
They're pulling a
slowdown up there.
WORKER: Good heavens.
I laced my boot incorrectly.
I'll have to start
all over again.
Oh, man, this is
making me crazy.
They're gonna be
here for a month.
Look, I'm sorry, Rebecca.
You gotta go up and give
that guy this $50 he dropped.
As a matter of fact, I think
they both dropped $50. There.
No, Sam, I'm not gonna do this.
You cannot bribe those men.
It's a matter of principle.
Rebecca, it's like
the cardinal rule of the
free enterprise system.
You pay somebody more
money, they work faster.
Hey, look at this.
We're getting a raise
at the post office.
The exception
that proves the rule.
No, you see...
Sam, no, no, you
made me the manager.
You gave me the authority
to handle these problems.
So let me just do it my own way.
Okay, Manager, what
are you gonna do?
Well, I think we'll just make
an entrance through the alley.
Oh, you've got to be kidding.
What are you gonna do,
bust a hole in my wall?
NORM: Well, actually, Sam,
you know that window, the
leaded stained glass window
is in a single wooden frame,
so I think you could pop it out
fairly easily with a crowbar.
I think the opening's
like four by eight,
which is perfectly good
for a standard entrance.
You build a little staircase
and you've got yourself
a nice little doorway.
Well, you've put a
lot of thought into this.
It's always been a dream of mine
to someday retire and build
a little apartment back there.
Hello, Clifford.
Hey, Ma! Hey, look.
Come on here. Ah...
(chuckling)
My, everybody
has filled out nicely.
Well, say, Mrs. Clavin, if
you don't mind my asking,
uh, how did you, happen
to negotiate that hole
up at the top of the stairs?
Oh, I just hiked up my
skirt and hopped across.
No big deal.
Although those
construction boys told me
some jackass actually fell in.
Can you believe that?
(laughs)
I'm a boob. I'm a big, fat boob.
CLIFF: So, uh, Ma,
what made you decide to
blow into town all of a sudden?
Well you know how much I enjoy
the historically rich
sport of dog racing.
Who doesn't?
It turned out I enjoyed it
a bit too much last Friday,
and, uh, let's just say I owe
some people some money.
Whoops.
Well, the dog I put all my money on,
apparently had a parasitic condition.
He scooted the last 75 yards.
He got the most laughs,
but they don't pay on laughs.
Anyway, it gives me
a chance to catch
up with my little boy.
I'm looking forward to
seeing what you're doing
with your life and how
we can go about fixing it.
I, uh, appreciate
the thought, Ma,
but, I don't have
anything that needs fixing.
See, I, uh, I've
got a new lifestyle.
I, uh, I like it.
Clifford, is it really
a new lifestyle,
or is it just an excuse
to walk around your
apartment half naked?
It's, uh, not an
either-or situation, Ma.
I suppose there's no room
in this playboy pad of yours
for somebody's mother?
Thank you for, uh, being
so understanding, Ma.
Oh.
Well, I certainly don't want
to be a burden to you, Clifford.
Lord knows you
weren't a burden to me
when I was in labor
with you for 72 hours.
Whoa. 72 hours?
He had those wide hips.
I got you a great hotel here.
Look, it's got HBO... You
shouldn't go to that expense.
All I need is a large
appliance carton,
and I can sleep on the street...
with all the other
forgotten mothers.
You can stay with me.
Are you sure you don't have
a lifestyle I'd be intruding on?
Not that I know of.
Well, then I'd be glad to.
What's your name?
Woody. Woody.
Oh, that's the name of a boy
whose mother raised him right.
Really?
'Cause I looked it up and
all I could find was "treelike."
Well, let's get you
settled in, huh, Mrs. Cla...
No, no, hey, hey, Woody,
my mother doesn't want
to impose on anybody.
Oh, suddenly he's an
expert on my desires.
I certainly do want
to stay with Woody.
I like him.
He's sweet and thoughtful, and
look at those nice, narrow hips.
I'll bet you shot
out like a bullet.
Well, Norm's got the window out.
Now he's starting
on the iron bars.
When he's finished,
anybody who wants to
can come into this bar
right through that alley.
(barking)
What was that?
Two big dogs
chasing a Chihuahua.
At least I think it
was a Chihuahua.
If the health department
asks, it was a Chihuahua.
Thanks for giving
me a lift, Ma Clavin.
My pleasure, Woody.
Here's your lunch.
I cut the grapes in half,
but should one lodge
in your esophagus,
remember the international
sign for choking is this.
Uh, how come you
never taught me that, Ma?
Oh, Clifford.
With that windpipe of yours,
it would take a knockwurst
to cut off your air.
I'll be home at 7:00.
Don't be late.
I'm stopping at the video store
to pick up the rest of the
Police Academy cycle.
Ah... Oh,
I love that handsome,
young African American
who makes those funny
noises with his mouth.
Yeah, he's a hoot, isn't he?
Yes, he is.
And you can tell by watching him
he's very respectful
to his mother.
Ma, are you mad at me?
I'd have to care to be mad.
Look, Ma, I didn't say
I never wanted to see you
again, for crying out loud.
Listen, why don't you come over
and we watch uh,
Jeopardy tonight, huh?
Just come on over
to the apartment.
Oh, praise God, I've
been invited to Xanadu.
Actually, Clifford, I happen to
have a previous engagement.
(inaudible whispering)
No... no... no... no.
Oh, all right.
Clifford, we'd be delighted
to have you join us for
Police Academy tonight.
Oh, no, that's okay, Ma.
I'm just gonna have
a lot of fun right here.
I'm as happy as a lark.
Well, actually, Mr. Clavin,
the lark is a very
depressed bird.
It has one of the highest
suicide rates in the entire
ornithological kingdom.
Interestingly
enough, its song...
is more of a dirge.
Is more of a dirge.
You've been teaching him
bird trivia, haven't you, Ma?
Woody is the best
student I've had, bar none.
Huh. I know what you're trying to
do, Ma, and it's not going to work.
You're trying to
make me jealous.
Huh. Well, I'm not going to be
asking you to move back in with me.
Don't you worry.
I know your wily ways.
You see, you're forgetting,
I am a graduate student
of the Esther Clavin School
of Emotional Blackmail.
Well, that, and a nickel will
get you a civil service job.
Back off, Ma.
Clifford, I'm not trying
to get you jealous.
I don't have to.
I found a wonderful
companion in Woody.
He's like the son I never had.
Well, what about me?
You are the son I did have.
Yeah, I'm telling you,
Norm, I really let Ma have it.
I cut clean.
Well, I'll have to take
your word for it, Cliff.
Yeah, it really feels good to
get that monkey off my back.
Whatever you say.
Yeah, she's out of there,
gone, good-bye, finito.
Cliff, what do I have to say
to make you stop talking?
Yes, sir, today I
am a man, Norm.
How about, "I've got a crowbar?"
(chuckles)
Oh, hey, Rebecca, come on,
you be Ma again and
I'll be me, all right?
Oh, Cliff, you know, Sam
does a lot better Ma than I do.
Oh, yeah, right, right.
All right, Ma, get off my back!
SAM: I'm busy, Cliff.
Oh, no, no, Sam.
There's too much
love in your voice.
I think that ought to do it.
What do you mean
"that ought to do it?"
You need to cut
another bar out of there.
People have to
squeeze through there.
Rebecca, trust me.
I've spent a lifetime
learning how to do
the least amount of
work for any given task.
This'll fit the bill.
I-I just don't think
anybody's really gonna
be able to fit through there.
Even I could fit through there.
Watch this. Look.
You just... you just sort of...
(grunting): up and through...
Well, that's it.
That's it what?
You're not halfway through.
No, that's it, I'm stuck.
I'll be in Cheers
the rest of my life.
Guess you have to be
careful what you wish for.
Let me see if I can
get you unstuck.
(grunting)
Oh, gosh.
That's it, you are stuck.
Sam! Carla!
You'd better hurry, Rebecca,
'cause I think I see that
damned Chihuahua again.
Hey, there's a whole
pack of Chihuahuas.
I hope they're Chihuahuas!
Oh, my God!
You okay out there?
Yeah.
I think they're as afraid
of me as I am of them.
Yeah, except you
don't carry rabies
and have razor-sharp teeth.
Yeah, but they don't know that.
Boy, you really are
wedged in there.
Is that Norm?
Geez, you know, I
didn't recognize you
without the bar stool attached.
(laughing)
Hey, you know who he looks like?
Winnie the Pooh.
Oh, Carla's right. Yeah.
Yeah, in that story where
he eats too much honey
and gets stuck in Rabbit's hole.
Yeah, well, how
did they get him out?
Oh, it's hilarious.
They starved him
for a couple of weeks,
then yanked him out.
Yeah. Now, when he got out,
did Winnie the Pooh sue
the damned Rabbit, huh?
Come on, man,
lighten up, will you?
Oh, sorry, Sammie.
I'm just upset, okay?
No, I mean, you're
like dead weight here.
Push, pull, do something.
Yeah, so I told her,
"Pack your bags.
Go on, hit the skids. I
don't need you anymore."
What's the matter
with him? Girl trouble?
Well, sort of.
Now I'll just have
to raise myself.
Well, the hard work's
already done though.
Where is the child
that's stuck in the fence?
Oh, good, you're here.
Uh, back this way,
in the poolroom.
"Child stuck in the fence?"
Well, every time I said,
"Accountant stuck in a window,"
they just laughed and hung up.
REBECCA: It's back here.
Oh, Woody, that was fun.
It's so nice to go
shopping for shelf paper
with somebody who doesn't
nitpick over every design.
Ma, when are you gonna stop
taking those potshots at me?
When it stops being fun.
Excuse me, Woody.
I'm gonna go powder my nose.
Your nose looks
fine, Mother Clavin.
That's just an expression, son.
Ah.
Son?
She's, uh, calling
you "son" now?
Well, that's just an expression.
You know, like "powder my nose."
I understand, Woody.
I want to thank you, really,
for all you've done for my ma,
you know, giving her a
place to live and everything.
There's one thing
my sense of pride
won't allow me to say to her,
but I know I can talk to
you about it man-to-man.
(crying): I want my mommy back.
You can't have her
back. You gave her up.
Wood, I miss her!
Well, if I give her to
you, then I'll miss her, too.
Can't we share?
I don't want to share!
Oh, for God's sake!
You're acting like children.
Now, listen, Woody,
Esther Clavin is
Cliff's natural mother.
Therefore, logic
would dictate that, uh,
well, Cliff gets first dibs.
Well, Woody, are we
ready to line some shelves
with flags of the world?
Woody?
Woody, if you stick that
lower lip out any further,
a pigeon's gonna land on it.
You know that they like
shiny, ledge-like surfaces.
(crying): Don't bring up
bird trivia now, Mother Clavin.
It hurts too much.
Why, Woody, whatever
are you talking about?
(crying and mumbling)
All right, all right, all right.
Is this true, Clifford?
Yeah, Ma, it is.
I want you back.
Well, is there room for me in
that singles' paradise of yours?
I'll, I'll make room.
Well, I made room
for you, Mother Clavin.
I'll make room in your face!
No, no, no, no. Now, now, boys,
let's not get into a Cain
and Abel situation here.
I can love you both
for different reasons.
Woody, I can love you
because you're generous
and kind and strong.
And Clifford, I can love you
because I'm your
biological mother,
and nature dictates
there be a bond.
Now, boys,
I've got plenty
of love for both,
and Lord knows I've
got plenty of shelf paper.
I'll tell you what,
let's get cracking.
We can do both of your
apartments before dark.
Got to do mine first.
Not if I get to the car first.
Yeah, well, you're not going
to do that until you beat me.
I can. No, you can't!
Boys, watch out for the hole!
(Woody and Cliff
yelling) (loud crash)
Yes, they are my
children all right.
Both dumb as dishwater.
Well, we can get him out,
but we're gonna have to
bring in the Jaws of Life.
He's really stuck in there.
Yeah, it remind me of
that Winnie the Pooh story.
Say, how'd he get
stuck in there, anyway?
Well, he ate up all
of Rabbit's honey...
No, I mean this guy.
Uh, we were, uh,
building a new entrance.
Do you have a permit for that?
Oh. He wants a permit.
This time we'll
handle it your way.
No. Yes. Yes, I'll do it.
Let me just reach into
my magic-permit pocket.
No, no. Yes, yes.
And, oh, here's
a nice little permit
with a picture of
General Grant on it.
What are you doing? (chuckles)
What, like you have
never been bribed before?
Are you trying to
give us this 50 bucks?
What, 50 isn't enough?
How about 100?
All right, you're
under arrest. Come on.
Sam, would you get my checkbook?
So you guys ought
to have me out of here
in just a few minutes, huh?
Right, guys?
Guys!
Vera?