Cheers (1982–1993): Season 9, Episode 4 - Where Nobody Knows Your Name - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Anybody seen my gum?

Left it around here somewhere.

What'd you take
your gum out for?

To give my mouth
a rest, you know.

Dear Diary, today
it finally happened.

Wood, can I have another... Oh!

Cliff,

I think I found your gum.

This is a new jacket, too, man.

Well, Norm, might I
suggest that you ice it



and then try to scrape the
bulk of it off with a razor blade,

and maybe that
way you can save it.

Oh, no, that's okay, Frasier.

I was about to get
a new piece anyway.

Sounds like a lot of
work, Frasier, I don't know.

Well, alternatively, you
could wait several years

for the resins to break down,

the gum to harden
and fall off by itself.

I seem to have my
full range of movement.

I can wait.

(theme song begins)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Takin' a break
from all your worries ♪



♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Whoo!

Boy, did it just
get warm in here?

I hate Indian summers.

You never know what to
wear to work in the morning.

I mean, it's gonna get
cold, it should stay cold.

Then, who am I to
question the Lord?

What's with the getup?

It's Indian summer, Sam.

I need these
clothes for protection.

Protection from what?

The eyes of men.

What are you talking about?

Every time I've conceived a kid
it's been during Indian Summer.

That's when I'm at my
most fertile, Sammy.

I cannot let any man touch
me, talk to me or see me,

or I'll be shooting out
kids like a Pez dispenser.

Oh, come on.

I'm not kidding, Sammy.

I've-I've gone over two years
now without having a kid.

Now that's a record for me.

I'm not taking any chances.

I was gonna stay
home, turn off the lights,

lie down... but the
cable man's coming over.

Sweetheart, I promise you,

I won't let anybody put
the moves on you, okay?

Oh, no, you don't
understand, Sammy.

It's not them, it's me.

When the mercury hits 95,

I can't be responsible
for my actions.

Oh.

Oh!

Who is that hunk over there

in the uniform
with the cute buns?

Oh, my God, it's Clavin!

Oh, this is, this is
worse than I thought.

Has he always had that mustache?

Iced coffee will cool me down.

REBECCA: Hey,
you guys, listen to this.

"Rumor has it that the
reason jillionaire jailbird

"Robin Colcord gave up
his fortune and freedom

"was a mystery femme.

But so far our little
caged Robin isn't singing."

Boy, that writer really
paints a picture, doesn't he?

You know, I can just
picture Mister Colcord sitting

on his little perch in a cage,

sharpening his beak
on a cuttlebone...

Woody. Woody.

Pecking away at a little bell

made out of sesame seeds.

Yeah! Sam!

Rebecca, this is kind
of a rip-off, isn't it?

I mean, they don't
even mention your name.

And don't think
I'm not grateful.

What do you mean?

You could have been famous.

Yeah, s-someday I
would like to be famous,

but not because I'm
involved with a rich man.

I mean, I would like to be known

for some real achievement.

Oh, yeah. How's that cure
for leprosy coming along?

You know what I mean.

You know how the
girlfriends of rich millionaires

are treated by the
press; like cheap sluts.

You know, I think it
stems from the envy

that the public
feels towards people

who achieve a certain
level of notoriety.

Well, also the fact that most of
those women have posed nude

in popular men's magazines.

But, you know, frankly,

I wouldn't waste my money
on publications like that.

I mean, those
letters are not real.

I just hope the rag
magazines don't find out

that I am the mystery woman.

Who am I kidding?

Those bloodhounds
will ferret me out

the first chance they get.

But at least I have my dignity.

Well, I'm off to
change the blue stuff

in the toilet bowls.

(sighs)

What's the matter, Wood?

I don't get The Far Side.

Woody, come on.
Hand it over here.

Come on. Let's have a look.

Okay, Wood, now you
see here in the first panel,

the cows are standing
on their hind legs, right?

The second panel,
when the car goes by,

they're acting like normal cows.

See, the idea here is,
Wood, that, uh, you know,

cows only act like cows
when, when we're around.

Other times they
act like people.

Now does that,
does that help you

clear it up a
little bit for you?

I just meant I don't
get The Far Side

in my newspaper at home,

but thanks for treating
me like a one-year-old.

Oh, every time we turn on

Robert Vaughn's
Amazing Discoveries,

we always get the
hair-loss episode.

I mean, it's like they,
they never did any others.

Well, listen, we don't have
to watch an infomercial.

We can choose from any of 60

wonderful cable stations here.

At the very least it's...

Well, there's Lyle Waggoner
talking about impotence.

Oh, people trying to
whiten their yellow teeth.

Singing in the Rain.

Oh, how to buy real
estate with no money down.

Wait, wait, wait,
you just passed by

one of the all-time
classics, Frasier.

Put it back on the
yellow teeth one.

Wait, wait, go back.

There was a picture
of Robin Colcord.

Sources have
confirmed the identity

of Colcord's mystery woman.

Oh, God! They found me out!

Colcord's secret
lover revealed herself

in a press conference today
to be Jeanne Marie Beaulier,

Charges d'Affaires for
the French Consulate.

Miss Beaulier... Excuse me?

I thought Robin dumped

that French babe
for you weeks ago.

Well, he did!

The nerve of that
cheap slut pretending

like Robin turned
himself in for her!

Don't worry, Rebecca.

Your friends know who
the real cheap slut is.

Thank you, Norm.

Well, Rebecca, don't be upset.

I mean, she's actually
doing you a favor.

You're off the hook.

The press is going
to tear her apart

and leave your relationship
with Robin unsullied.

I guess you're right.

I mean, the only thing that
really does matter is that,

that I am Robin's true love.

And it actually makes
it more romantic

because we're the
only ones who know.

Yeah, except for us.

And I kind of told
my mom in Hanover.

You know what I mean.

It's sort of like a
secret valentine

between me and Robin.

And us.

And my mom.

Woody, who cares if
your mother knows?

I mean, who is
she going to tell?

Are you serious?

She has choir practice tonight.

Once she gets a cup

of coffee in her,

those old biddies
will bleed it out of her.

For a moist crumb cake,

she'll tell anybody
why you never see

Uncle Willie and Aunt
May in the same room

at the same time.

Why, uh, why
would that be, Wood?

I don't see any crumb cake.

(phone ringing)

Cheers.

Oh, hi, Mom!

It's for me.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I saw the news,

but don't believe
everything you see on TV.

That French lady, Jeanne
Marie, was telling a big whopper.

It was really Miss
Howe who was having...

well, you know,
with Mister Colcord.

Oh, all right.
I'm sorry. I will.

Where're you going, Wood?

I have to go wash my
mouth out with soap.

I'm sorry, Woody.

Yeah, well, maybe next time

you'll think about the
consequences of your actions.

REPORTER: Looks like no
end to the heat wave is in sight.

Today may actually
break a hundred.

Oh, man!

I'd better get the
crib out of the garage.

Hi, everybody. I
brought doughnuts.

Oh!

Gee, I haven't dunked
a doughnut in years.

Wood, give me
another beer, will you?

Oh, hey, did you see
the Midnight Tattler?

What?

Seems that, uh, Jeanne Marie

sold her love
letters from Robin.

Yeah? Whoo-ee!

Look at the legs on this chick!!

Hey, hey, guys? Guys, guys.

Rebecca's standing right here.

Try and to be a
little more polite.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
Thank you very much

for the doughnuts, Rebecca.

Look at the legs on this babe!

Are they continued on
the next page or what?!

Don't bother, Sam.
I've seen the article.

It's just a stupid, pitiable act

of a desperate woman.

Those letters are not real.

They never are.

Robin did not
type those letters.

I have seen his typewriter.

He doesn't even use that font.

(phone ringing)

Cheers.

Oh, hi, Mom.

It's for me.

Um, yeah, yeah,
I-I saw the article.

Miss Howe says
it's not even his font.

What?

No, Mom, font isn't a bad word.

No, it's not...

All right. Okay.

Thanks a lot, Miss Howe.

CLIFF: Hey, Sammy, how
about turning up the sound?

Don't you care
about any of this?

I mean, it's got to be
bothering you a little bit.

I wouldn't be human

if it didn't bother
me a little bit.

But, I mean, what
does it really amount to?

I have Robin's love

and she has a couple of
blurbs in a cheap tabloid.

And it's not like she's
some national celebrity.

ARSENIO HALL: Join me tonight
as the stage sizzles with my guests

Michael Caine, M.C. Hammer

and the woman Robin
Colcord gave it up for,

and I mean really gave it up
for, Jeanne Marie Beaulieu.

Watch her kick it on the
next Arsenio Hall Show.

Hey!

I'm the one who
should be kickin' it!

Hey.

This is getting very serious.

Thank you for your concern, Sam.

Do you have any idea
how much that TV costs?

What?

The corporation owns
this bar for three years,

you don't break anything.

I have it for three weeks,

you yank my
television off the wall.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have done that.

It's just that I didn't expect

this thing with Jeanne
Marie to go this far.

Before, nobody
even took it seriously.

And all of a sudden she's
getting national attention.

Tonight she's going
to be on Arsenio.

Yeah, I know. And thanks
to you, I can't watch it.

Why hasn't Robin spoken out?

I mean, why hasn't
he denied this?

What if... what if he really
does love Jeanne Marie?

What would I do?

Hey. I know. What?

I'll get my landlady
to tape Arsenio.

No, Sam. No, no, no, you're
right, you're right, you're right.

Then I'd be obligated.

Sam!

You're not listening to me.

Well, all right, I'm
listening. What?

I mean I cannot just ask
him if he loves Jeanne Marie

because then he will
think that I don't trust him.

You don't.

I know, but I should.

But if I ask him, "Do
you love Jeanne Marie?"

and he says "Yes," I don't
think that I could handle that.

And if I ask him if he
loved me and he said "Yes,"

then he would know
that I did not trust him.

And trusting him is the one
thing that I really should do

since he gave up
his fortune for me...

if he really did
give it up for me,

which I can never know
because I can't ask.

Let me see if I can
put this in a nutshell...

What?

Sam, would you ask him for me?

No. No, no. No, I
don't want to do that.

I've never been to prison.

Oh, well, it's not
really a real prison.

I... No it's like a

minimum-security deal.

It's like summer camp,

only Robin has to spend
seven to ten summers there.

No, really, and when
you, when you see him,

don't tell him that I
told you to ask, okay?

I mean, just make it
sound like, you know,

you just dropped
by prison, you know,

it's just like a real
casual deal for you.

Uh, no. No, Rebecca, I'm sorry.

Okay.

Forget it.

It's just that, um...

whenever I think

that Robin might love
Jeanne Marie, you know,

I just get so darned
mad, you know?

Just feel like I could just...

Okay. Okay.

I guess I can...
swing by the prison,

on my way to the
billiards supply store.

Carla, uh, watch the
bar for me, will you?

I've got to go down
to prison for a minute.

Prison?

Isn't that where they keep
all the bad, lonely men?

Now, come on, Carla. Don't.

Oh, Sammy, take me
with you, please? No.

Smuggle me in in your pants. No!

Please? I need a tattooed man!

Please, Sammy.

Carla, no!

Ah, yeah, there he is.

Thanks very much.

Hey, Robin.

Robin. Hey.

Hey, Sam.

What are you doing here?

I, uh,

I need to talk to
you for a minute.

Oh, yeah, certainly.

Grab a racket.

Oh, well, all right.

Yes, I'd stop to talk, only...

I just get three hours
a week on the court.

Prison, you know.

Excuse me, Sam,

weren't you a
professional athlete?

Well, yeah, I was a pitcher
for the American League,

but I never actually
had to hit anything.

I see, so basically you just
did what this machine is doing.

Yeah, but my arm got tired.

So, Sam, what have
you got on your mind?

I want to talk to you
about your ex-girlfriend.

Can you be, uh, more specific?

The one you were running
around with behind Rebecca's back.

Can you be more specific?

Jeanne Marie.

Oh!

Oh, dear Jeanne Marie.

Yes, I do hope her
little game with the press

isn't troubling Rebecca.

Yeah, well...

Yeah, it is actually.

You know this girl
is running around

getting exploited
all over the place,

but we all know
that it's Rebecca

that deserves to be exploited.

Hey, these things
are coming pretty fast.

Can we slow them down?

Oh no, if they went any slower
they wouldn't remain airborne.

Yeah, yeah, Sam, look,

if Rebecca is really
getting troubled by this,

why didn't she make
mention of it to me?

Well, I don't know, actually.

She, uh, tried to explain
that to me, but I, uh...

Yes, enough said.

Poor Rebecca.

Her insecurities have
finally got the better of her.

Well, perhaps I should, uh,

make an end of Jeanne
Marie's little charade

and go to the press
and tell them the truth.

Do you think that
would help her?

Sure, yeah.

Say, is your arm sore?

What? My arm's sore.

Right here. Oh, yes.

Well, we can take
a break if you like.

All right. Maurice!

Thanks, Maurice.

Whoo!

Hey, Robin.

Excuse me, are you
through with the court yet?

Yes, Sherman. It's all yours.

Thanks.

Maurice!

Hey, I voted for that guy.

Okay, guys, we got it.

You know, I think
Rebecca did us a favor

by breaking that old TV.

Yeah, I like this new TV

a lot better than the old one.

We're not talking TV here.

This is the latest
in video technology.

We've got Dolby sound,
black matrix, high resolution.

I mean, look at that.

It's almost as if Deputy
Dog's right in the room with us.

Yeah. Yeah.

My God.

It's another scorcher out there.

I am sick and tired

of peeling patients
off of my leather couch.

I'll tell you, the
ones in shorts

scream like banshees
when I get them up fast.

Well, fortunately, I'm
a trained psychiatrist

and I've learned to
tune out cries for help.

Say, where's Carla?

She asked us to
lock her in the office

until the heat wave breaks.

For goodness sakes.

I mean this has
gone on long enough.

The human female doesn't
have an estrous cycle.

Someone is gonna have
to tell her that the weather

cannot affect human
beings this way.

Carla! May I have a
word with you, please?

Oh!

How is she, Fras?

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

Has anyone seen
an afternoon paper?

Uh, what are you looking for?

Well, because Robin's statement

about me being his
true love is supposed

to be in the late edition.

I sent Woody out
for it hours ago.

You, you sent Woody out there?

It's a hundred degrees.

I'm sorry, Miss Howe.

I would have been here sooner,

but I think I passed out
between the newsstand and here.

Woody, man, are you all right?

Yes, he's all right.

I bet I'm on the cover.

Heat wave, heat wave...

heat wave.

Children in
sprinklers, heat wave...

So it's a little warm out.

Grandma?

Is that you, Grandma?

Thank you, Grandma.

Here it is.

"Millionaire Robin Colcord says

that his true love is some
Boston bar manager."

What?

That's it?!

I thought I was
gonna be big news.

Such is the transitory
nature of fame.

You have missed
your moment in the sun.

I had three hours in the sun.

Would somebody shut him up?

This just isn't fair.

Robin gave it up for me.

Me, not Jeanne Marie.

Well, hey,

I wouldn't worry so
much about Jeanne Marie.

She's washed up, too.

Look where they put her
on Hollywood Squares.

Center bottom.

Nobody's gonna
call on her there.

She might as well be a Gabor.

MAN: I'll take Robin
Colcord's lover to block.

No, no, whoa, whoa!

Come on, guys,
switch the channel.

Put a game on or something.

I'm trying, Sammy.

How do you work
this damned remote?

Oh, wait, you need
this one to work that one.

Damn! Relax. Relax.

No, it was my turn, Sam!

Everybody in the world
was supposed to know that...

that I was Robin's
mystery femme.

I was supposed to be famous.

You know, that's not
what you said before.

You said the only
thing that mattered

was that Robin loves you.

Yeah, yeah, well...

that was back when I
thought Jeanne Marie

was gonna be laughed at.

But now, I didn't know
that she was gonna become

America's little sweetheart
and I was gonna become

America's little
stupid idiot nobody.

Honey, listen, from the
outside, fame looks great.

But when you
actually have it, it's not,

it's not all that it's
cracked up to be.

Oh, how would you know?

Well, I had a little bit of
fame, once upon a time.

Oh, yeah, right, that time
you almost got hit by that truck.

No.

No, no, no, come on.

When I was pitching for the Sox.

Yeah, sure,

fame has its perks.

I mean, you don't have to
stand in line at restaurants.

That's very nice.

And cops let you slide
on a few traffic tickets.

That's... that's very nice.

Autographs, I mean,
that's cool and all of that.

But, basically,
it's just a hassle.

Really?

Yeah, sure.

Not being famous
is ten times better.

Really? Yeah.

Yeah, you get treated
just like everybody else.

You can go to the
supermarket in peace.

Nobody crowds around you.

As a matter of fact,

they don't pay any
attention to you at all.

No, they certainly don't
let you cut ahead of them

in the ten-items-or-less line.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You have to wait
behind all the old ladies.

Some of them have
way beyond ten items.

'Cause believe me, you've
got all the time in the world

to count every little can,
every little loaf of bread.

Sam...

By the time you get
to the front of the line,

they're only too happy
to cut up your credit cards

right in front of your face
because you're nothing!

Sam...

Sam, are you all right?

I miss it so much, Rebecca.

Oh...

I know you do.

But we're both better
off without it, Sam.

Do you remember,
remember all the attention I got

when that truck almost hit me?

Well, there's no
break in this heat wave.

As a matter of fact, tomorrow
is going to be even hotter.

Let's look now
at the satellite...

(rumbling)

Oh, my God!

Clear out, everybody!

She's gonna blow!

(rumbling)