Cheers (1982–1993): Season 9, Episode 26 - Uncle Sam Wants You - full transcript
Rebecca is at another crossroads in her life. She knows that she doesn't want to do the bar shtick for the rest of her life, but is now unsure what she wants to do. Regardless, she goes on one job interview after another, each time dooming herself to failure. Meanwhile, Sam has been spending a lot of time lately with the Cranes. More specifically, he has been spending a lot of time with Frederick. Each day, Sam arrives at their house a little earlier and leaves a little later. Frasier and Lilith finally tell Sam directly that he shouldn't be spending that much time with their son. Sam understands, but not until after the revelations that Sam likes kids and that Frederick now considers Sam more a father than Frasier. Later, Sam admits to himself that he wants to be a dad, but doesn't yet have an idea who the mother will be. Late one evening, Sam dozes off while watching Blue Hawaii (1961) on TV. In his dream, Sam gets a message directly from Elvis Presley about what he should do to address his quandary. His next step becomes how to convince the other party involved that Elvis' plan is a good one.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Hey, guys, mail's in.
All right, let's see...
Mr. Peterson.
Mr. Peterson.
Mr. Peterson.
Occupant.
Mr. Peterson.
Mr. Boyd.
Oh, hey, that's me.
Oh, yeah, I ordered
this weeks ago.
This is a whole big book
of crossword puzzles.
All right. Well, let's
check them out.
Hey, this is great
because it has all the
answers in the back
so we don't have to worry
about all those confusing clues.
All right,
one across.
"Penguin."
Penguin?
Hey, hey, hey, it fits.
All right!
Hey, these are great once
you get the hang of them, huh?
(theme song begins)
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Oh, hey, Miss Howe.
You look nice.
What's the occasion?
Well, I just signed up with an
executive placement agency,
and I have all
sorts of interviews
lined up this afternoon.
I feel really great about it.
I'm finally gonna get myself out
of this brain-dead mausoleum.
Oh, no offense, guys.
Huh?
Well, I'm off.
Good luck, Miss Howe.
Thanks, Woody,
but I don't need it.
I'm wearing my lucky
dress. I can't lose.
Hi, Sam. I'm off to get a job.
Nothing can stop me now.
In that?
Oh, who am I fooling?
They're not going to
hire a loser like me.
Hey, just saw
the neatest little
present in this kids' shop.
Look at this.
Does this say little
Freddie Crane or what, huh?
"Babe hound in training."
Afternoon, all.
Hey, Dr. Crane.
Dr. Sternin-Crane.
And little Frederick
Crane-Sternin-Crane-Crane.
What can I get you?
I know I could use
a glass of water.
Hey, it's my best pal.
Well, hello to you, too, Sam.
Oh, hey, Fras.
Hi, there.
Give me five.
Pow!
So what are you guys doing here?
Someone got a little thirsty
while we were playing in the park.
Aw, yeah, I see.
Need some juice?
You said it. Scotch
on the rocks.
I'm joking.
No, Sam, Uh, just
a little apple juice
and, uh, a couple
of ginger ales.
We're having
quality family time.
FRASIER: That's right.
I canceled every single one
of my appointments today.
LILITH: And I called
in sick to the lab.
I placed some gauze
over the telephone
and altered my voice
so as to appear ill.
And the Oscar goes to...
Here we are, dear.
So, we decided to have a
lovely afternoon with a picnic,
and now we're
off to go fly a kite.
Oh, hey, I noticed
it was windy, too.
I went out and I got little
Frederick this kite, huh?
What do you think?
I've got an idea.
Why don't we, uh, why
don't we go try these babies.
I'll be right back. I'm
gonna get my jacket.
Sam is tagging along?
We need some time to ourselves.
Well, you know,
darling, it is Sam.
Frasier, am I going
to have to play "bad cop?"
Now, let me understand...
are you saying that
up, up until this point,
you've been playing "good cop?"
Hey, Frasier, I've got an
idea. We can tie your little kite
to the end of this
and make a great tail.
(doorbell ringing)
Coming.
I'm coming.
Oh, it's you.
Yeah. Hi, hi, Lilith.
Hey, look at you.
You've got hair like a woman.
I'm here to watch
Huckleberry Hound.
At 5:53 a.m.?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yesterday, me
and Freddie decided
we're gonna watch some cartoons.
Who decided? The
child can barely speak.
Well, he can nod. Hey, Frasier.
Hey, Freddie, we're
gonna watch the cartoons.
That wasn't Sam Malone, was it?
Please tell me that
was an armed intruder.
It was Sam.
Frasier, you've got
to do something.
Every day he gets here
a little earlier,
and every night he
leaves a little later.
Well, darling, he,
he is a friend of ours.
It's getting so we can't
make love in the morning.
I didn't know we could
make love in the morning.
We can't.
It was just a "for instance."
The point is
I don't like people seeing
me in my nightgown.
It undermines my authority.
I really wouldn't
worry about that.
Frasier, do something.
Well, my love, let's...
let's try to use some insight
into what Sam's going through.
His affection for Frederick
is not unusual under
the circumstances.
After all, he's an aging playboy
who is just now
coming to realize
that... he has nothing,
and that he's got
no progeny left
to carry on his name.
And that is a frightening
revelation for any man.
Frasier, it's 5:55
in the morning.
The heave-ho.
Sam, could you come
down here, please?
Oh, good timing.
Commercial's on.
Sam, there's something
we have to ask you.
Yeah, good,
because there's something
we have to ask you, too.
What's for breakfast?
He's reacting to the nightgown.
Sam, look, as much
as we adore you,
and are happy that you've taken
such an interest in Frederick,
we, we're just not getting
enough private
time to ourselves.
Oh, say no more. I understand.
You guys want to be alone.
Sure, tell you what.
Why don't, uh, Freddie and
I go over to my apartment
and you can catch
up with us later?
No, no, Sam. You misunderstand.
We're not saying that
we want to be intimate
with each other right now.
God forbid while the sun's up.
No, no, we're just saying
that we'd like to spend the day
with our son, just
the three of us.
Oh.
Well, shoot.
You should have told me sooner.
I mean, I don't
want to, you know,
horn in on you guys.
Tell you what, Freddie,
we're gonna have
to watch cartoons
some other time, all right?
Why don't you now go
over to your daddy, huh?
There you go. Go to Daddy.
Go on, Freddie. It's okay.
Oh, fine. Now you
see what you've done?
My son likes you
better than he likes me.
No, don't be silly.
Come on, go to
Daddy. You'll have fun.
He loves you.
Oh, now you're being sarcastic.
I'm not being sarcastic.
Come on. Come on.
Go to your daddy. Go on. Go.
Okay, come on. Go,
go to your other daddy.
Go to Uncle Frasier.
Sam, you have turned
my son against me.
LILITH: If you two don't mind,
I think I'll take
our little wishbone
into the kitchen for breakfast.
Oh, this is...
Fras, I'm sorry.
Sam, he's my son.
I made him. I get to keep him.
Come on, Fras. Calm down.
This is my house,
my child and my wife,
who, thanks to you, I
don't even have time
to make love to in the morning.
I thought you said...
All right, I'm raving!
I'm sorry.
It's just, uh...
I like your kid.
I didn't know I
liked kids before.
If you like kids so much,
why don't you get
one of your own.
Oh, Sam, Sam, look, I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
You, you know I love you, right?
I think you're one of the
greatest guys in the world.
It's, it's just, it's
just a little bit early
on a Saturday morning to,
to lose the love of your child.
Now, if you... you'd
just excuse me
I, I think I'll go try
to bond with my son
over a bowl of Froot Loops.
Oh, God, I love Froot Loops.
Sorry, sorry.
Oh, hey, Miss Howe.
How was your interview?
Did it go any better
than the others?
Oh, yeah, the usual.
You know, I was sitting
in the waiting room
and got kind of nervous so
I just had a quick cigarette.
You know, and that
was pretty much that.
Think you could stop
throwing that thing?
Why? Gives me something to do.
We've got to talk.
You know, ever since
I've been hanging around
with Frasier and
Lilith's kid, I...
(knocking)
Sammy, uh, you don't expect
me to pay for this beer, do you?
No.
Good.
Come on, what's wrong?
Do you think guys
have a biological clock?
You know, like they know
when it's time to have a kid?
Oh, yeah.
Usually when they say,
"Hey, Carla, you
want to go out tonight?"
Come on. What's on your mind?
Well, I've been thinking.
You know, I'm, I'm not
that young anymore.
It's not that I'm old. It's
just... that I'm not young.
I'm not old-old.
I'm just youngish.
You know, I'm, I'm
a youngish man.
Please go on.
Well, I'm thinking about...
thinking about being a dad.
What?
Yeah.
You know, I've been
playing around all my life
and, I don't know, you know,
maybe I'm missing something.
Have you thought
about getting a dog?
I don't want a dog.
You know, I want
someone to be with,
to, to take care
of, to watch grow.
Have you thought
about getting a plant?
You don't think I'll
be a good father?
Oh, no, no, I think
you'd be a great father.
Do you have a mother picked out?
No, not really.
Oh.
Does that mean, uh,
you're not going to ask me?
Well, I'm, I'm sorry.
You know, I
didn't think of that.
Yeah, would you?
What are you, nuts?
Do you think I'm gonna go
through labor an eighth time
because you're a little lonely?
Selfish bastard.
Aw, you know, with
me it doesn't matter.
What the heck? I
know a hundred women.
(chuckles): What
am I talking about?
I know thousands of women.
What am I talking about?
I know tens of
thousands of women.
Wait, wait, wait. What
am I talking about?
Sam...
come on, now,
just think about
this for a minute.
Do you really, really want this?
Yeah, I really,
really want this.
Come on, Sam.
Do you have any idea
what it means to have a kid?
It's changing dirty diapers
and getting spit-up stains
on those shoulders of
your best clothes, and...
and ear infections in
the middle of the night,
and shoving antibiotics
down their throats,
and worrying about them
every day and every night
for the rest of your life.
How does that sound?
Sounds cool.
(chuckles): Yeah.
It is, kind of.
Would they, like, really
spit it up on, um, leather?
(chuckles): Oh,
they know fabrics.
So, who's gonna be the mom, Sam?
I haven't figured
that out yet, Woody,
but, you know, she's got
to be somewhere in here.
Or here.
(door opens)
Well, what about Miss Howe?
She's getting up there like you.
She's probably about
ready to have a kid.
And she's very responsible.
I think that was my
best interview yet.
I think that they really
were impressed with me
until I accidentally knocked
the CEO into a fax machine
and sent a copy of
his butt to Wichita.
See, Sam, you could've
asked her just now.
Oh, wait a minute. Here you go.
Now, this could work out.
What am I doing?
What am I gonna say?
I have to figure out
how to word this.
Hold on a second.
Excuse me, miss?
Uh, can I ask you
a question? Sure.
All right, just
hypothetically, now,
say someone you've been
dating, you know, a couple times
calls you up to say, uh, "Hey,
we had some laughs together.
What say we have a baby?"
Now, I'm not talking commitment
here; don't misunderstand me.
You know, maybe yes, maybe no.
The picture is: get
pregnant, have the baby,
give it to me, go away.
Uh...
you know, just offhand,
how would you react to that?
How would I react
if a guy called me up
and asked me to
be a breeder for him?
To be sort of an
incubator for his seed?
Yeah, exactly. W-Wait a second.
Let me, uh... let
me get a pencil.
I want to write this down.
Okay.
Okay, "incubator."
"Breeder."
Red-flag words.
You know, uh, if it's a boy,
I just hope he names it
Clifford Clavin Malone.
I don't care what he names it
as long as he
doesn't bring it in here.
If there's one thing I
can't stand, it's babies.
Oh, come on, Mr. Krapence.
Wouldn't you like
a helpless little guy
all soft and cuddly who you
could burp every once in a while?
Yeah, we need
another one of those.
(door opens)
Sam.
Listen, Sam, I... I'd like to
apologize about this morning
when I kicked you out.
I...
I forgot how much
Freddie means to you
and how much you mean to him.
I also forgot that Lilith
and I have two tickets
to Jerome Robbins' Broadway
tonight... hundred bucks a throw.
If you think I'm gonna
miss that, you're nuts.
Have fun, Freddie.
Daddy loves you.
Hey, you want me
to lock up, Sam?
No, thanks. I got to
wait for Frasier and Lilith.
All right. Good
night. Good night.
Hey, little buddy.
So, what do you want
to watch there, Freddie?
(music playing on TV) Whew!
NEWSMAN: Congress
and the administration...
24-hour news.
(newswoman talking)
Headline news.
Local news.
Oh, hey. Elvis.
♪ ♪
ELVIS: ♪ Night and you ♪
♪ And Blue ♪
(yawns)
♪ Hawaii ♪
♪ Blue Hawaii ♪
(ocean purring,
seabirds squawking)
Hey, Sam.
What?
Sam.
Who's there?
Up-up here, Sam. It's me, Elvis.
Elvis?
Yeah. Come on over here, man.
I don't want to
have to shout at you.
I'm having a dream about Elvis.
What do you want with me, Elvis?
I want to tell you something.
You're right about
wanting a child.
You know, the best thing
that ever happened to me
was having Lisa Marie.
Here. Isn't she precious?
Yeah, she's a real cutie.
Well, you'll be
happy to know, Elvis,
she turned out
to be a real babe.
Sam, don't make me
come through this TV.
I'm sorry.
Now, this baby's gonna
need a mama, Sam.
Yeah, I know
that, Elvis, but I...
I can't think of anybody.
Well, I just think you're
overlooking someone.
Who?
Miss Rebecca Howe.
Rebecca?
Miss Rebecca.
She's been a true friend,
and-and you've been
through so much together.
There's a lot of love
in her heart, Sam.
She has no one to give it to.
And she's a handsome woman.
Miss Rebecca? Really?
Think about her,
Sam. I know I'm right.
Now, if you'll just
excuse me, man.
I got to go back
and frolic on a beach,
or jump in a stock
car race or something.
I don't know what they
got me doing in this one.
Later, Sam.
Isn't this sweet?
My son and his baby-sitter
passed out in a bar.
(Frederick fusses)
No, it's okay... Ooh! Sam. Sam.
I've got him, Sam.
Fras. Thanks.
Yeah.
Say... Frasier.
Whew!
Weirdest thing just
happened to me.
I could have sworn I just, uh,
just had a conversation
with Elvis Presley.
Well, Sam, I've had,
uh, four or five patients
that have had the
same experience.
I'll simply... simply tell
you what I told them.
The man is dead.
Hi, Sam.
Hi. Wh-What are
you doing back here?
My night to lock up.
Besides, it looks like
I'm still gonna be
working here anyway.
Nobody else wants me.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, well, you know,
maybe I've been barking up
the wrong tree my whole life.
All these big dreams about
being a big corporate executive
and, you know,
having a lot of power...
a lot of control.
I don't know why I've been
knocking my brains out.
Maybe I should have just settled
for some dumb, ordinary jerk,
you know, and raised a family.
Wow.
What?
I was just, uh... I...
you know, I've been
thinking the same thing.
Only, you know, I was thinking
that you should have a child
with someone who is, you
know, good-looking and...
and really cool.
Yeah, well, I don't
know anybody like that.
What about me?
What, you know
somebody like that?
No, you know, I...
what I mean is, I
was thinking that...
you and I should
have a baby together.
(laughs)
Oh, come on, Sam! What?
No, why? Why not?
I mean, think about it.
You and I are good friends...
Hell, you're my best friend...
And we've been
through a lot together,
and, you know, you... you
have a lot of love to give,
and you're a handsome woman.
Well, I-I'm flattered.
But I'm just... I'm not ready to
have a baby, Sam, you know?
I got a lot of things
left to do in my life.
Yeah? Like what? Like a lot.
Well, all right, name one.
Well, like I had always
planned on growing old
and, you know, dying alone.
You can still do that.
Well, you don't just, you know,
go out and have a
baby with somebody.
Why not?
Well, I don't know why not.
Then why not?
And why with you?
Why not?
Well, but...
Why not?
I mean, we could.
Yeah.
And your mom did
it. My mom did...
I mean, Carla
does it all the time.
I mean, I... why shouldn't we?
I mean, and, you know,
maybe this would be something
that I'd finally be good at.
So, will you?
'Kay.
Let's have a baby.
You know, I think this is
gonna change my whole life.
Oh, yeah.
I think, no more
Rebecca the jerk,
no more Rebecca the
goonball, Rebecca the loser.
Rebecca the mother!
I'm gonna have a
brand-new human baby!
I get to feed her.
I get to hold her!
Oh!
I can't wait!
You know, a new life!
A new life that depends
completely on me!
(clattering)
Do you believe
it? I forgot my coat!
(gasps): I guess I'm just so
excited about this whole thing!
I don't know. I'm
gonna be a mommy!
(giggling)
(coatrack clattering)
Oh, a mommy!
You'd better be right, Elvis.
a live studio audience.
Hey, guys, mail's in.
All right, let's see...
Mr. Peterson.
Mr. Peterson.
Mr. Peterson.
Occupant.
Mr. Peterson.
Mr. Boyd.
Oh, hey, that's me.
Oh, yeah, I ordered
this weeks ago.
This is a whole big book
of crossword puzzles.
All right. Well, let's
check them out.
Hey, this is great
because it has all the
answers in the back
so we don't have to worry
about all those confusing clues.
All right,
one across.
"Penguin."
Penguin?
Hey, hey, hey, it fits.
All right!
Hey, these are great once
you get the hang of them, huh?
(theme song begins)
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Oh, hey, Miss Howe.
You look nice.
What's the occasion?
Well, I just signed up with an
executive placement agency,
and I have all
sorts of interviews
lined up this afternoon.
I feel really great about it.
I'm finally gonna get myself out
of this brain-dead mausoleum.
Oh, no offense, guys.
Huh?
Well, I'm off.
Good luck, Miss Howe.
Thanks, Woody,
but I don't need it.
I'm wearing my lucky
dress. I can't lose.
Hi, Sam. I'm off to get a job.
Nothing can stop me now.
In that?
Oh, who am I fooling?
They're not going to
hire a loser like me.
Hey, just saw
the neatest little
present in this kids' shop.
Look at this.
Does this say little
Freddie Crane or what, huh?
"Babe hound in training."
Afternoon, all.
Hey, Dr. Crane.
Dr. Sternin-Crane.
And little Frederick
Crane-Sternin-Crane-Crane.
What can I get you?
I know I could use
a glass of water.
Hey, it's my best pal.
Well, hello to you, too, Sam.
Oh, hey, Fras.
Hi, there.
Give me five.
Pow!
So what are you guys doing here?
Someone got a little thirsty
while we were playing in the park.
Aw, yeah, I see.
Need some juice?
You said it. Scotch
on the rocks.
I'm joking.
No, Sam, Uh, just
a little apple juice
and, uh, a couple
of ginger ales.
We're having
quality family time.
FRASIER: That's right.
I canceled every single one
of my appointments today.
LILITH: And I called
in sick to the lab.
I placed some gauze
over the telephone
and altered my voice
so as to appear ill.
And the Oscar goes to...
Here we are, dear.
So, we decided to have a
lovely afternoon with a picnic,
and now we're
off to go fly a kite.
Oh, hey, I noticed
it was windy, too.
I went out and I got little
Frederick this kite, huh?
What do you think?
I've got an idea.
Why don't we, uh, why
don't we go try these babies.
I'll be right back. I'm
gonna get my jacket.
Sam is tagging along?
We need some time to ourselves.
Well, you know,
darling, it is Sam.
Frasier, am I going
to have to play "bad cop?"
Now, let me understand...
are you saying that
up, up until this point,
you've been playing "good cop?"
Hey, Frasier, I've got an
idea. We can tie your little kite
to the end of this
and make a great tail.
(doorbell ringing)
Coming.
I'm coming.
Oh, it's you.
Yeah. Hi, hi, Lilith.
Hey, look at you.
You've got hair like a woman.
I'm here to watch
Huckleberry Hound.
At 5:53 a.m.?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yesterday, me
and Freddie decided
we're gonna watch some cartoons.
Who decided? The
child can barely speak.
Well, he can nod. Hey, Frasier.
Hey, Freddie, we're
gonna watch the cartoons.
That wasn't Sam Malone, was it?
Please tell me that
was an armed intruder.
It was Sam.
Frasier, you've got
to do something.
Every day he gets here
a little earlier,
and every night he
leaves a little later.
Well, darling, he,
he is a friend of ours.
It's getting so we can't
make love in the morning.
I didn't know we could
make love in the morning.
We can't.
It was just a "for instance."
The point is
I don't like people seeing
me in my nightgown.
It undermines my authority.
I really wouldn't
worry about that.
Frasier, do something.
Well, my love, let's...
let's try to use some insight
into what Sam's going through.
His affection for Frederick
is not unusual under
the circumstances.
After all, he's an aging playboy
who is just now
coming to realize
that... he has nothing,
and that he's got
no progeny left
to carry on his name.
And that is a frightening
revelation for any man.
Frasier, it's 5:55
in the morning.
The heave-ho.
Sam, could you come
down here, please?
Oh, good timing.
Commercial's on.
Sam, there's something
we have to ask you.
Yeah, good,
because there's something
we have to ask you, too.
What's for breakfast?
He's reacting to the nightgown.
Sam, look, as much
as we adore you,
and are happy that you've taken
such an interest in Frederick,
we, we're just not getting
enough private
time to ourselves.
Oh, say no more. I understand.
You guys want to be alone.
Sure, tell you what.
Why don't, uh, Freddie and
I go over to my apartment
and you can catch
up with us later?
No, no, Sam. You misunderstand.
We're not saying that
we want to be intimate
with each other right now.
God forbid while the sun's up.
No, no, we're just saying
that we'd like to spend the day
with our son, just
the three of us.
Oh.
Well, shoot.
You should have told me sooner.
I mean, I don't
want to, you know,
horn in on you guys.
Tell you what, Freddie,
we're gonna have
to watch cartoons
some other time, all right?
Why don't you now go
over to your daddy, huh?
There you go. Go to Daddy.
Go on, Freddie. It's okay.
Oh, fine. Now you
see what you've done?
My son likes you
better than he likes me.
No, don't be silly.
Come on, go to
Daddy. You'll have fun.
He loves you.
Oh, now you're being sarcastic.
I'm not being sarcastic.
Come on. Come on.
Go to your daddy. Go on. Go.
Okay, come on. Go,
go to your other daddy.
Go to Uncle Frasier.
Sam, you have turned
my son against me.
LILITH: If you two don't mind,
I think I'll take
our little wishbone
into the kitchen for breakfast.
Oh, this is...
Fras, I'm sorry.
Sam, he's my son.
I made him. I get to keep him.
Come on, Fras. Calm down.
This is my house,
my child and my wife,
who, thanks to you, I
don't even have time
to make love to in the morning.
I thought you said...
All right, I'm raving!
I'm sorry.
It's just, uh...
I like your kid.
I didn't know I
liked kids before.
If you like kids so much,
why don't you get
one of your own.
Oh, Sam, Sam, look, I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
You, you know I love you, right?
I think you're one of the
greatest guys in the world.
It's, it's just, it's
just a little bit early
on a Saturday morning to,
to lose the love of your child.
Now, if you... you'd
just excuse me
I, I think I'll go try
to bond with my son
over a bowl of Froot Loops.
Oh, God, I love Froot Loops.
Sorry, sorry.
Oh, hey, Miss Howe.
How was your interview?
Did it go any better
than the others?
Oh, yeah, the usual.
You know, I was sitting
in the waiting room
and got kind of nervous so
I just had a quick cigarette.
You know, and that
was pretty much that.
Think you could stop
throwing that thing?
Why? Gives me something to do.
We've got to talk.
You know, ever since
I've been hanging around
with Frasier and
Lilith's kid, I...
(knocking)
Sammy, uh, you don't expect
me to pay for this beer, do you?
No.
Good.
Come on, what's wrong?
Do you think guys
have a biological clock?
You know, like they know
when it's time to have a kid?
Oh, yeah.
Usually when they say,
"Hey, Carla, you
want to go out tonight?"
Come on. What's on your mind?
Well, I've been thinking.
You know, I'm, I'm not
that young anymore.
It's not that I'm old. It's
just... that I'm not young.
I'm not old-old.
I'm just youngish.
You know, I'm, I'm
a youngish man.
Please go on.
Well, I'm thinking about...
thinking about being a dad.
What?
Yeah.
You know, I've been
playing around all my life
and, I don't know, you know,
maybe I'm missing something.
Have you thought
about getting a dog?
I don't want a dog.
You know, I want
someone to be with,
to, to take care
of, to watch grow.
Have you thought
about getting a plant?
You don't think I'll
be a good father?
Oh, no, no, I think
you'd be a great father.
Do you have a mother picked out?
No, not really.
Oh.
Does that mean, uh,
you're not going to ask me?
Well, I'm, I'm sorry.
You know, I
didn't think of that.
Yeah, would you?
What are you, nuts?
Do you think I'm gonna go
through labor an eighth time
because you're a little lonely?
Selfish bastard.
Aw, you know, with
me it doesn't matter.
What the heck? I
know a hundred women.
(chuckles): What
am I talking about?
I know thousands of women.
What am I talking about?
I know tens of
thousands of women.
Wait, wait, wait. What
am I talking about?
Sam...
come on, now,
just think about
this for a minute.
Do you really, really want this?
Yeah, I really,
really want this.
Come on, Sam.
Do you have any idea
what it means to have a kid?
It's changing dirty diapers
and getting spit-up stains
on those shoulders of
your best clothes, and...
and ear infections in
the middle of the night,
and shoving antibiotics
down their throats,
and worrying about them
every day and every night
for the rest of your life.
How does that sound?
Sounds cool.
(chuckles): Yeah.
It is, kind of.
Would they, like, really
spit it up on, um, leather?
(chuckles): Oh,
they know fabrics.
So, who's gonna be the mom, Sam?
I haven't figured
that out yet, Woody,
but, you know, she's got
to be somewhere in here.
Or here.
(door opens)
Well, what about Miss Howe?
She's getting up there like you.
She's probably about
ready to have a kid.
And she's very responsible.
I think that was my
best interview yet.
I think that they really
were impressed with me
until I accidentally knocked
the CEO into a fax machine
and sent a copy of
his butt to Wichita.
See, Sam, you could've
asked her just now.
Oh, wait a minute. Here you go.
Now, this could work out.
What am I doing?
What am I gonna say?
I have to figure out
how to word this.
Hold on a second.
Excuse me, miss?
Uh, can I ask you
a question? Sure.
All right, just
hypothetically, now,
say someone you've been
dating, you know, a couple times
calls you up to say, uh, "Hey,
we had some laughs together.
What say we have a baby?"
Now, I'm not talking commitment
here; don't misunderstand me.
You know, maybe yes, maybe no.
The picture is: get
pregnant, have the baby,
give it to me, go away.
Uh...
you know, just offhand,
how would you react to that?
How would I react
if a guy called me up
and asked me to
be a breeder for him?
To be sort of an
incubator for his seed?
Yeah, exactly. W-Wait a second.
Let me, uh... let
me get a pencil.
I want to write this down.
Okay.
Okay, "incubator."
"Breeder."
Red-flag words.
You know, uh, if it's a boy,
I just hope he names it
Clifford Clavin Malone.
I don't care what he names it
as long as he
doesn't bring it in here.
If there's one thing I
can't stand, it's babies.
Oh, come on, Mr. Krapence.
Wouldn't you like
a helpless little guy
all soft and cuddly who you
could burp every once in a while?
Yeah, we need
another one of those.
(door opens)
Sam.
Listen, Sam, I... I'd like to
apologize about this morning
when I kicked you out.
I...
I forgot how much
Freddie means to you
and how much you mean to him.
I also forgot that Lilith
and I have two tickets
to Jerome Robbins' Broadway
tonight... hundred bucks a throw.
If you think I'm gonna
miss that, you're nuts.
Have fun, Freddie.
Daddy loves you.
Hey, you want me
to lock up, Sam?
No, thanks. I got to
wait for Frasier and Lilith.
All right. Good
night. Good night.
Hey, little buddy.
So, what do you want
to watch there, Freddie?
(music playing on TV) Whew!
NEWSMAN: Congress
and the administration...
24-hour news.
(newswoman talking)
Headline news.
Local news.
Oh, hey. Elvis.
♪ ♪
ELVIS: ♪ Night and you ♪
♪ And Blue ♪
(yawns)
♪ Hawaii ♪
♪ Blue Hawaii ♪
(ocean purring,
seabirds squawking)
Hey, Sam.
What?
Sam.
Who's there?
Up-up here, Sam. It's me, Elvis.
Elvis?
Yeah. Come on over here, man.
I don't want to
have to shout at you.
I'm having a dream about Elvis.
What do you want with me, Elvis?
I want to tell you something.
You're right about
wanting a child.
You know, the best thing
that ever happened to me
was having Lisa Marie.
Here. Isn't she precious?
Yeah, she's a real cutie.
Well, you'll be
happy to know, Elvis,
she turned out
to be a real babe.
Sam, don't make me
come through this TV.
I'm sorry.
Now, this baby's gonna
need a mama, Sam.
Yeah, I know
that, Elvis, but I...
I can't think of anybody.
Well, I just think you're
overlooking someone.
Who?
Miss Rebecca Howe.
Rebecca?
Miss Rebecca.
She's been a true friend,
and-and you've been
through so much together.
There's a lot of love
in her heart, Sam.
She has no one to give it to.
And she's a handsome woman.
Miss Rebecca? Really?
Think about her,
Sam. I know I'm right.
Now, if you'll just
excuse me, man.
I got to go back
and frolic on a beach,
or jump in a stock
car race or something.
I don't know what they
got me doing in this one.
Later, Sam.
Isn't this sweet?
My son and his baby-sitter
passed out in a bar.
(Frederick fusses)
No, it's okay... Ooh! Sam. Sam.
I've got him, Sam.
Fras. Thanks.
Yeah.
Say... Frasier.
Whew!
Weirdest thing just
happened to me.
I could have sworn I just, uh,
just had a conversation
with Elvis Presley.
Well, Sam, I've had,
uh, four or five patients
that have had the
same experience.
I'll simply... simply tell
you what I told them.
The man is dead.
Hi, Sam.
Hi. Wh-What are
you doing back here?
My night to lock up.
Besides, it looks like
I'm still gonna be
working here anyway.
Nobody else wants me.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, well, you know,
maybe I've been barking up
the wrong tree my whole life.
All these big dreams about
being a big corporate executive
and, you know,
having a lot of power...
a lot of control.
I don't know why I've been
knocking my brains out.
Maybe I should have just settled
for some dumb, ordinary jerk,
you know, and raised a family.
Wow.
What?
I was just, uh... I...
you know, I've been
thinking the same thing.
Only, you know, I was thinking
that you should have a child
with someone who is, you
know, good-looking and...
and really cool.
Yeah, well, I don't
know anybody like that.
What about me?
What, you know
somebody like that?
No, you know, I...
what I mean is, I
was thinking that...
you and I should
have a baby together.
(laughs)
Oh, come on, Sam! What?
No, why? Why not?
I mean, think about it.
You and I are good friends...
Hell, you're my best friend...
And we've been
through a lot together,
and, you know, you... you
have a lot of love to give,
and you're a handsome woman.
Well, I-I'm flattered.
But I'm just... I'm not ready to
have a baby, Sam, you know?
I got a lot of things
left to do in my life.
Yeah? Like what? Like a lot.
Well, all right, name one.
Well, like I had always
planned on growing old
and, you know, dying alone.
You can still do that.
Well, you don't just, you know,
go out and have a
baby with somebody.
Why not?
Well, I don't know why not.
Then why not?
And why with you?
Why not?
Well, but...
Why not?
I mean, we could.
Yeah.
And your mom did
it. My mom did...
I mean, Carla
does it all the time.
I mean, I... why shouldn't we?
I mean, and, you know,
maybe this would be something
that I'd finally be good at.
So, will you?
'Kay.
Let's have a baby.
You know, I think this is
gonna change my whole life.
Oh, yeah.
I think, no more
Rebecca the jerk,
no more Rebecca the
goonball, Rebecca the loser.
Rebecca the mother!
I'm gonna have a
brand-new human baby!
I get to feed her.
I get to hold her!
Oh!
I can't wait!
You know, a new life!
A new life that depends
completely on me!
(clattering)
Do you believe
it? I forgot my coat!
(gasps): I guess I'm just so
excited about this whole thing!
I don't know. I'm
gonna be a mommy!
(giggling)
(coatrack clattering)
Oh, a mommy!
You'd better be right, Elvis.