Cheers (1982–1993): Season 9, Episode 24 - Rat Girl - full transcript
Lilith goes over the edge when her favorite lab rat dies.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
Good morning.
Morning.
What's with the vegetables?
Same as always...
They're watching TV.
Sam, I have changed my diet.
I'm finally eating right for
the first time in 30 years.
30? What were you
doing the other 12?
And I feel so
good that I thought
we can all work on our diets.
So I'm making up this
little vegetable plate.
And I figure if those guys
are gonna sit around and eat,
they might as well
eat something healthy.
I don't think they're
gonna like this.
Oh, they'll never even notice.
What the hell is this?!
What's wrong?
This thing I found
in the pretzel bowl.
Oh, my God, what are these?
They appear to be
orange and green sticks.
CLIFF: I know what they
are. You know, when you
go in a restaurant
and you order a nice,
big, thick, juicy steak
and they put this other stuff on
the plate that you shove aside?
Oh, you mean vegetables?
They can't be vegetables.
There's no batter.
You guys,
you're not even
giving me a chance.
Now, you sit around
and you stuff your
faces all day long,
so why don't you stuff them
with something
that's good for you?
Go ahead. Try it.
Yeah, it's not bad.
Yeah. No, try the cauliflower.
It acts like a ladle.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Whoa! Sammy.
I see her.
How do you do that?
I could tell you, but then
I'd have to kill you, Norm.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Uh...
Come over here for
a second, will you?
I want to pour you a
glass of champagne.
Interesting thing
about this bottle:
it was presented to me
for being the hottest
single guy in Boston,
but, you know, until you
walked through that door,
I have never found anyone
I wanted to share it with.
I don't drink champagne.
Thanks.
Whoo! What just
happened here, guys?
Well, you got shot down, Sam.
Uh, you know, you read
about those kind of things
but you never think they're
gonna happen to you.
NORM: Well, you know,
maybe she's seeing someone else.
I don't see how that's relevant.
You know, Sammy, maybe
she's one of these women
who, uh, coaches basketball
and does her own carpentry,
if you know what I mean.
Let's go with that,
shall we, gentlemen?
Afternoon, all.
Hey, how's it going, Dr. Crane?
Oh, the usual. The crying,
the tantrums, the bed-wetting.
Yeah. That's fatherhood.
No, that's my therapy group.
What a bunch of losers.
And I'm sorry. You know,
I'm just a bit stressed today.
Lilith and I have been looking
for a preschool for Frederick.
Tomorrow we've got an
interview with the administrators
of the Magic Hours
Learning Center.
You know, I don't get that.
Now, this is your
kid, your money...
Why aren't you
interviewing them?
Well, the beauty of
private education, Sam,
is that they're able to weed
out the unacceptable lowlifes.
I just pray I'm not one of them.
Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait a second here.
Uh, what's the matter
with public school?
I went to public school.
I love you, Cliff.
Don't ever change.
Until I began eating clean,
I never realized how good
a nice, dry rice
cake could taste.
How can you eat
those, Miss Howe?
They don't have any flavor. Oh.
If I eat these, I
will live longer.
Well, I have a question.
You know how
you're always talking
about how you hate your life?
How come you want
to make it longer?
Shut up, Woody.
Hello, Frasier.
Darling.
What's wrong?
You look so somber.
How can you tell?
I took a shot and got lucky.
Frasier, I have some bad news.
This morning... at 9:00...
Whitey passed away.
Oh, Lilith.
Oh.
CRANE: I'm so sorry.
Just yesterday, he
was so young, so vital.
This morning I
walked into the lab
and found him facedown in
his nest of cedar shavings.
Excuse me?
You see, Whitey
was Lilith's senior,
and most cherished, lab rat.
Aw, gee!
(grumbling)
No, you don't understand.
Usually we don't get
attached to the rats,
but this one was so special.
We even named him.
Everyone in the lab
called him Whitey.
Are you sure they
weren't talking to you?
No, Carla. They were
talking about Whitey the rat.
Okay, I'll ask again.
Are you sure they
weren't talking to you?
Carla, please!
Lilith is mourning the
loss of a close friend.
What's the big deal?
You go find another rat
to hook up to your electrodes.
My research never
harmed Whitey in any way.
In fact, he had everything
a rat could want.
If he needed it,
I gave it to him.
That rat was the envy of others.
You know, that's
true, but I got over it.
I miss him so much.
(sobs)
Let it out, darling.
I am.
Ooh... Here she comes.
Ho-ho. I'm psyched
this time. I'm psyched.
Hi. Listen, excuse me
for just a second here.
I, I didn't mean
to, you know, imply
that I was gonna give you the
champagne to get you drunk.
I just wanted to...
get to know you.
You'd have to get
me drunk for that.
Ooh!
First that other girl,
now her twin sister.
I don't know what
she's looking for in life,
but, well, if she
can't find it here,
she's not gonna
find it anywhere.
Paul! You ready?
Yeah, let's go.
Paul?
See you later, guys.
Don't wait up.
You know, this isn't
really happening.
No, no, no, no.
In a few seconds,
I'm gonna wake up
in my own bed covered in sweat.
Okay, here we go.
Ooh, this is gonna
be a long one.
I feel great.
I've been eating
clean for 12 hours now
and I feel like I have
a whole new body.
I have more energy,
and I-I just feel better.
I'm a celebration of life.
Boy, I'll say, Rebecca,
and what goes better
with a celebration
than... Ho-Hos?
Well... Well,
Norm, I-I can't think
of anything except,
maybe... Twinkies.
Gentlemen, I have
one word for you:
Snowballs.
Snowballs! Snowballs!
Snowballs are better
because they're bite-size.
Good evening, all.
Sam, Glenlivet rocks.
Two. How you
feeling there, Lilith?
Life goes on, Sam.
Ah, that's the spirit.
Rather than brood and mourn,
Frasier and I have
decided to do something
a little bit more
life-affirming.
We're going to a
theater and a late dinner.
I think Whitey would approve.
REBECCA: Lilith, your clinic's
on the phone. I think there's
an emergency with
one of your patients.
You can use the phone
in my office. Thank you.
Well, we-we've
got an 8:00 curtain.
Tell them to take two Thorazine
and call you in the morning.
That'll be $7.50, Dr. Crane.
Oh, yes, of course.
Oh, gee, I-I've
only got big bills.
Well, perhaps Lilith
has some change.
Oh, dear God.
What? What is it?
Lilith is carrying a
dead rat in her purse.
Oh.
Why would she be carrying
a dead rat in her purse?
Just a wild guess.
A snack?
This is not healthy at all.
My wife has gone
completely around the bend.
Perhaps I rushed her
through the grieving process
too quickly. Oh...
Oh, the poor woman.
I dare you to look in the purse.
Ha! Dare me? Dare you.
You know, obviously, I've
got to dispose of Whitey
break this fixation,
then deal with the
repercussions as they occur.
Eww. Eww.
Yeah, I looked first.
I bet you won't kiss him.
You two are sick!
Oh, yeah. We've
got a big problem.
Obviously, Lilith
is having trouble
breaking this
attachment on her own.
I've got to be the man
and handle this in
a mature fashion.
Eww, eww, eww, eww! Eww!
Is everything all right?
Yes, it was a false alarm.
So nothing was wrong?
No. One of my patients
set off a false alarm,
but he's a pyromaniac,
so, for him, this is progress.
Oh, Lilith, darling. Hello.
I've, I've got your purse.
Uh, you know, we don't
have time for our drinks, really.
Uh, th-the curtain's
in 45 minutes
and you know how
I hate to be late.
Yes. It's one of your more
endearing compulsions.
Uh, by the way, uh...
there's something
we need to discuss.
You did what?!
Darling, I did what I had to do!
Shut up! Where is he?
(trash cans rattling)
Apparently,
she's still grieving!
Well, 26 hours of eating clean.
And 26 hours of
hearing about it.
Oh, good morning
there. Did you sleep okay?
Not too well, Sam.
You know, I'd have
thought that that couch,
after all the acrobatics you've done
on it, would have a little more give.
But I appreciate
your hospitality.
Anytime, Fras.
You know, I guess I
ought to freshen up, huh?
This is what it's come to.
Bedding down in a bar,
wearing the same clothes
for two days in a row.
Yeah, well, the trick, Fras,
is to take your sport
coat off like that. Yeah?
And stand directly under
the air conditioning duct
for about, uh... ten minutes.
Take it from me, if you do that,
you can go another
couple days easy.
Are you saying that
you sometimes go
for days at a time
in the same clothes?
Oh, yeah, you get a
look that works for you,
you stick with it.
(laughing): Oh, Paul.
Why is she laughing?
Paul's not funny.
(laughing)
Does anyone know what
Paul does for a living?
After all, women are
attracted to power.
Uh, I think he's a
tollbooth attendant.
Yep, well, that would
explain the quarter tips.
I think I know what it is.
Paul's a real nice guy
and a good listener.
He probably shows
a genuine interest
in who she is as a person.
Probably treats
her with respect.
Well, if that's the case,
he's welcome to her.
Well, is there anything
here I can have for breakfast?
If you'd like something
that's tasty and nutritious,
you could spread some of this,
uh, bean curd on these
fiber-rich bran crackers.
I won't eat that crap.
Frasier, you're a doctor.
You should believe
in health and nutrition.
Doesn't mean I have to listen
to some tree-hugging,
dirt-munching Druid.
I'm sorry.
I'm not exactly what you'd
call a morning person.
Dr. Crane, your wife called.
I didn't want to wake you.
Oh. She called to apologize?
Well, sort of.
Uh, she said for you to
meet her at Frederick's school.
You have that interview.
Oh, I completely forgot.
Well, she also said
to tell you she
knew you'd forget
because "you're such
an uncaring human being.
"But for once
"in your life,
think of your child,
"comb your few remaining hairs
"and wash that canned
ham you call a face
and get over there."
You know, now that I reread this
it sounds less and
less like an apology.
Say, uh, Sammy, could I
have a couple of coffees
for me and Paula?
Paul and Paula?
Yeah.
Hey, Paul?
What?
No, the song, you
know, "Hey, Paul."
Hey, what?
CLIFF: No, wait a minute.
You never heard of that
old song, "Hey, hey, Paul?"
Hey, hey, shut up.
No, no, no, come on.
We're talking about
that song from the '60s
by Paul and Paula,
"Hey, hey, Paula."
What?
Nothing. Never mind.
Forget I brought it up.
Hey, this has been
driving me crazy.
I gotta know
something here, Paul.
What, Sam?
Well, I'll try to put this
as delicately as I can,
because you're my
friend and I like you,
and I don't want to insult you,
but why would any girl
be caught dead with you
when she could be with me?
You thought that
would offend me?
I'm serious.
I mean, what'd you do, slip
her a mickey or something?
Well since you asked me
so nicely, Sam, I'll tell you.
Paula is what we like to
refer to as a chubby-chaser.
You're kidding.
You mean, she likes to go out
with guys who
are... who are, uh...
Portly, Sam. The
word is "portly."
Did you hear that?
She only goes out with
guys who are heavy.
Well, you'd be surprised, Sam.
Women like the oddest things.
Take me.
Yeah? What do you like?
Nothing. Just take me.
SAM: This is driving me crazy.
I've gotta fin...
Excuse me. Listen.
Apparently, you've been, you
know, shooting me down here
for the last couple of days
because of the way I look.
So?
I think it's unfair
that you're not willing to
get to know the real me.
I think if you did, we could
be really good friends.
You want to be friends?
Yeah, I do. Yeah?
Okay, well, maybe we could start
by you introducing me
to some of your friends.
Especially that large and
lovely one right over there.
You mean Norm?
Yeah. He's a suitful, isn't he?
Oh, thank God.
I didn't miss the
interview, did I?
Yes, you did.
I've already had it.
They're outside
conferring about us now.
What did you tell them about me?
I described you in terms
which were positively glowing,
which is the way I'd
like to see you in hell.
So just remember
when they come back in to
pretend that we love each other.
After that, I go right
back to loathing you.
I can't believe that you're
willing to destroy our marriage
all because of
your childish refusal
to accept the
death of an animal.
The very fact that you think
of Whitey as "an animal"
proves that we are
completely incompatible.
But he was an animal!
Well, what-what-what was he?
A... a... a vegetable?
A mineral?
Oh, I know, he was the
CEO of General Motors.
I hate you.
I hate you!
Hello. Hello.
This is my husband,
Dr. Frasier Crane.
He's very sorry he's late,
but he's always so
busy helping people.
Pleased to meet you.
Won't you sit down?
And we'd like to thank you
for taking the time
to come down here.
It's good to see parents
that care so much.
You know, a program
like ours requires as much
of the parents as the child.
We couldn't agree more.
Right, dear?
Oh, absolutely, dear.
Unofficially, I think it's
a very good possibility
that we'll be able to
welcome Frederick
to the Magic Hours
Learning Center.
Oh, that's wonderful news.
We couldn't be happier.
But before you leave...
Would you like to see
something precious?
Our Sylvia
just had babies.
Well, who's Sylvia?
The school's pet hamster.
Oh.
Oh, look at that little
one in the corner.
He looks just like Whitey.
Who's Whitey?
Oh, he was my favorite dead rat
that this bastard took
and threw in the trash!
Don't mind her.
She's just overemotional,
and crazy as a loon!
I suppose you'd like
to take one of these
and throw it in
the garbage, too?
Here, why don't you just
bite the heads off these birds
while you're at it,
Dr. Death?
I am not the one who
goes walking around
with the decomposing
corpse of a rat in my purse.
You're a hateful man.
And you are a troubled,
disturbed woman.
But a wonderful mother.
Well, we'll get back to you.
Well, Sam, I've done it.
Blighted my child's hopes
of ever getting an education,
and probably ruined
my marriage as well.
I think my life is over.
Yeah, well, life is tough.
I just got shot down by a
chick who likes fat guys.
Oh, Rebecca, do you have
any more of those rice cakes?
Why?
Well, you were right.
They're the perfect food.
Yeah, what's the gag?
No, I'm telling you, we've been
enjoying them all day, right?
You bet.
Really? Yeah.
Well, that's neat.
I'm glad I could make you
guys, you know, feel better.
Yeah, I've got a whole new bag
of them right down here. Great.
You guys are gonna feel so much
healthier when you eat like this.
I'm not kidding. You'll
have a lot more energy.
Your bodies will feel lighter.
Your reflexes will be sharper.
Oh, our reflexes are
already much, uh, sharper.
Carla, pull.
Pull.
Frasier.
Frasier, I owe you an apology.
I haven't been myself
the past couple of days.
No, darling.
I, I trivialized your grief.
A husband should be supportive.
But, please... help me.
Help me.
Meet me halfway.
Why were you carrying a
moribund rodent in your evening bag?
I wasn't going to
take him on our date.
But I knew if I
left him at the lab,
they'd have given him to
the undergraduates to dissect.
I couldn't let that
happen to Whitey.
I just wanted to give
him a decent burial.
I'm, I'm so sorry.
How could I have
been so insensitive?
Of course, I overreacted.
But I think I know why.
I was confronted
for the first time
with the death of
someone close to me.
I understand, dear.
It's what we call a crisis.
I know what we call it, Frasier.
The upshot is I've never
been more acutely aware
of how precious and
fragile life is for each of us.
Well, darling, I think
everyone would agree
that existence is
tenuous at best.
Therefore, all we
can do is embrace life.
And you and I,
we're so fortunate.
We, we have a baby, the
very symbol of life reborn.
Frasier, he's no longer a baby.
He'll be going to
school in September.
Oh, yes, if we can successfully
negotiate a preschool interview
without slipping into a scene
from Who's Afraid
of Virginia Woolf?
But, darling, you're right.
Frederick is getting older.
You know there is a way
we could renew
ourselves yet again.
How would we do that?
We could have another child.
We could, couldn't we?
That's a wonderful idea.
Oh, Frasier, suddenly,
I'm filled with a glow.
Let's start right now.
It's all so strange.
A seemingly insignificant
creature lives and dies...
a marriage is threatened...
a child's education
is almost destroyed...
yet, somehow, someway,
I'm getting some
action out of it.
a live studio audience.
Good morning.
Morning.
What's with the vegetables?
Same as always...
They're watching TV.
Sam, I have changed my diet.
I'm finally eating right for
the first time in 30 years.
30? What were you
doing the other 12?
And I feel so
good that I thought
we can all work on our diets.
So I'm making up this
little vegetable plate.
And I figure if those guys
are gonna sit around and eat,
they might as well
eat something healthy.
I don't think they're
gonna like this.
Oh, they'll never even notice.
What the hell is this?!
What's wrong?
This thing I found
in the pretzel bowl.
Oh, my God, what are these?
They appear to be
orange and green sticks.
CLIFF: I know what they
are. You know, when you
go in a restaurant
and you order a nice,
big, thick, juicy steak
and they put this other stuff on
the plate that you shove aside?
Oh, you mean vegetables?
They can't be vegetables.
There's no batter.
You guys,
you're not even
giving me a chance.
Now, you sit around
and you stuff your
faces all day long,
so why don't you stuff them
with something
that's good for you?
Go ahead. Try it.
Yeah, it's not bad.
Yeah. No, try the cauliflower.
It acts like a ladle.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Whoa! Sammy.
I see her.
How do you do that?
I could tell you, but then
I'd have to kill you, Norm.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Uh...
Come over here for
a second, will you?
I want to pour you a
glass of champagne.
Interesting thing
about this bottle:
it was presented to me
for being the hottest
single guy in Boston,
but, you know, until you
walked through that door,
I have never found anyone
I wanted to share it with.
I don't drink champagne.
Thanks.
Whoo! What just
happened here, guys?
Well, you got shot down, Sam.
Uh, you know, you read
about those kind of things
but you never think they're
gonna happen to you.
NORM: Well, you know,
maybe she's seeing someone else.
I don't see how that's relevant.
You know, Sammy, maybe
she's one of these women
who, uh, coaches basketball
and does her own carpentry,
if you know what I mean.
Let's go with that,
shall we, gentlemen?
Afternoon, all.
Hey, how's it going, Dr. Crane?
Oh, the usual. The crying,
the tantrums, the bed-wetting.
Yeah. That's fatherhood.
No, that's my therapy group.
What a bunch of losers.
And I'm sorry. You know,
I'm just a bit stressed today.
Lilith and I have been looking
for a preschool for Frederick.
Tomorrow we've got an
interview with the administrators
of the Magic Hours
Learning Center.
You know, I don't get that.
Now, this is your
kid, your money...
Why aren't you
interviewing them?
Well, the beauty of
private education, Sam,
is that they're able to weed
out the unacceptable lowlifes.
I just pray I'm not one of them.
Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait a second here.
Uh, what's the matter
with public school?
I went to public school.
I love you, Cliff.
Don't ever change.
Until I began eating clean,
I never realized how good
a nice, dry rice
cake could taste.
How can you eat
those, Miss Howe?
They don't have any flavor. Oh.
If I eat these, I
will live longer.
Well, I have a question.
You know how
you're always talking
about how you hate your life?
How come you want
to make it longer?
Shut up, Woody.
Hello, Frasier.
Darling.
What's wrong?
You look so somber.
How can you tell?
I took a shot and got lucky.
Frasier, I have some bad news.
This morning... at 9:00...
Whitey passed away.
Oh, Lilith.
Oh.
CRANE: I'm so sorry.
Just yesterday, he
was so young, so vital.
This morning I
walked into the lab
and found him facedown in
his nest of cedar shavings.
Excuse me?
You see, Whitey
was Lilith's senior,
and most cherished, lab rat.
Aw, gee!
(grumbling)
No, you don't understand.
Usually we don't get
attached to the rats,
but this one was so special.
We even named him.
Everyone in the lab
called him Whitey.
Are you sure they
weren't talking to you?
No, Carla. They were
talking about Whitey the rat.
Okay, I'll ask again.
Are you sure they
weren't talking to you?
Carla, please!
Lilith is mourning the
loss of a close friend.
What's the big deal?
You go find another rat
to hook up to your electrodes.
My research never
harmed Whitey in any way.
In fact, he had everything
a rat could want.
If he needed it,
I gave it to him.
That rat was the envy of others.
You know, that's
true, but I got over it.
I miss him so much.
(sobs)
Let it out, darling.
I am.
Ooh... Here she comes.
Ho-ho. I'm psyched
this time. I'm psyched.
Hi. Listen, excuse me
for just a second here.
I, I didn't mean
to, you know, imply
that I was gonna give you the
champagne to get you drunk.
I just wanted to...
get to know you.
You'd have to get
me drunk for that.
Ooh!
First that other girl,
now her twin sister.
I don't know what
she's looking for in life,
but, well, if she
can't find it here,
she's not gonna
find it anywhere.
Paul! You ready?
Yeah, let's go.
Paul?
See you later, guys.
Don't wait up.
You know, this isn't
really happening.
No, no, no, no.
In a few seconds,
I'm gonna wake up
in my own bed covered in sweat.
Okay, here we go.
Ooh, this is gonna
be a long one.
I feel great.
I've been eating
clean for 12 hours now
and I feel like I have
a whole new body.
I have more energy,
and I-I just feel better.
I'm a celebration of life.
Boy, I'll say, Rebecca,
and what goes better
with a celebration
than... Ho-Hos?
Well... Well,
Norm, I-I can't think
of anything except,
maybe... Twinkies.
Gentlemen, I have
one word for you:
Snowballs.
Snowballs! Snowballs!
Snowballs are better
because they're bite-size.
Good evening, all.
Sam, Glenlivet rocks.
Two. How you
feeling there, Lilith?
Life goes on, Sam.
Ah, that's the spirit.
Rather than brood and mourn,
Frasier and I have
decided to do something
a little bit more
life-affirming.
We're going to a
theater and a late dinner.
I think Whitey would approve.
REBECCA: Lilith, your clinic's
on the phone. I think there's
an emergency with
one of your patients.
You can use the phone
in my office. Thank you.
Well, we-we've
got an 8:00 curtain.
Tell them to take two Thorazine
and call you in the morning.
That'll be $7.50, Dr. Crane.
Oh, yes, of course.
Oh, gee, I-I've
only got big bills.
Well, perhaps Lilith
has some change.
Oh, dear God.
What? What is it?
Lilith is carrying a
dead rat in her purse.
Oh.
Why would she be carrying
a dead rat in her purse?
Just a wild guess.
A snack?
This is not healthy at all.
My wife has gone
completely around the bend.
Perhaps I rushed her
through the grieving process
too quickly. Oh...
Oh, the poor woman.
I dare you to look in the purse.
Ha! Dare me? Dare you.
You know, obviously, I've
got to dispose of Whitey
break this fixation,
then deal with the
repercussions as they occur.
Eww. Eww.
Yeah, I looked first.
I bet you won't kiss him.
You two are sick!
Oh, yeah. We've
got a big problem.
Obviously, Lilith
is having trouble
breaking this
attachment on her own.
I've got to be the man
and handle this in
a mature fashion.
Eww, eww, eww, eww! Eww!
Is everything all right?
Yes, it was a false alarm.
So nothing was wrong?
No. One of my patients
set off a false alarm,
but he's a pyromaniac,
so, for him, this is progress.
Oh, Lilith, darling. Hello.
I've, I've got your purse.
Uh, you know, we don't
have time for our drinks, really.
Uh, th-the curtain's
in 45 minutes
and you know how
I hate to be late.
Yes. It's one of your more
endearing compulsions.
Uh, by the way, uh...
there's something
we need to discuss.
You did what?!
Darling, I did what I had to do!
Shut up! Where is he?
(trash cans rattling)
Apparently,
she's still grieving!
Well, 26 hours of eating clean.
And 26 hours of
hearing about it.
Oh, good morning
there. Did you sleep okay?
Not too well, Sam.
You know, I'd have
thought that that couch,
after all the acrobatics you've done
on it, would have a little more give.
But I appreciate
your hospitality.
Anytime, Fras.
You know, I guess I
ought to freshen up, huh?
This is what it's come to.
Bedding down in a bar,
wearing the same clothes
for two days in a row.
Yeah, well, the trick, Fras,
is to take your sport
coat off like that. Yeah?
And stand directly under
the air conditioning duct
for about, uh... ten minutes.
Take it from me, if you do that,
you can go another
couple days easy.
Are you saying that
you sometimes go
for days at a time
in the same clothes?
Oh, yeah, you get a
look that works for you,
you stick with it.
(laughing): Oh, Paul.
Why is she laughing?
Paul's not funny.
(laughing)
Does anyone know what
Paul does for a living?
After all, women are
attracted to power.
Uh, I think he's a
tollbooth attendant.
Yep, well, that would
explain the quarter tips.
I think I know what it is.
Paul's a real nice guy
and a good listener.
He probably shows
a genuine interest
in who she is as a person.
Probably treats
her with respect.
Well, if that's the case,
he's welcome to her.
Well, is there anything
here I can have for breakfast?
If you'd like something
that's tasty and nutritious,
you could spread some of this,
uh, bean curd on these
fiber-rich bran crackers.
I won't eat that crap.
Frasier, you're a doctor.
You should believe
in health and nutrition.
Doesn't mean I have to listen
to some tree-hugging,
dirt-munching Druid.
I'm sorry.
I'm not exactly what you'd
call a morning person.
Dr. Crane, your wife called.
I didn't want to wake you.
Oh. She called to apologize?
Well, sort of.
Uh, she said for you to
meet her at Frederick's school.
You have that interview.
Oh, I completely forgot.
Well, she also said
to tell you she
knew you'd forget
because "you're such
an uncaring human being.
"But for once
"in your life,
think of your child,
"comb your few remaining hairs
"and wash that canned
ham you call a face
and get over there."
You know, now that I reread this
it sounds less and
less like an apology.
Say, uh, Sammy, could I
have a couple of coffees
for me and Paula?
Paul and Paula?
Yeah.
Hey, Paul?
What?
No, the song, you
know, "Hey, Paul."
Hey, what?
CLIFF: No, wait a minute.
You never heard of that
old song, "Hey, hey, Paul?"
Hey, hey, shut up.
No, no, no, come on.
We're talking about
that song from the '60s
by Paul and Paula,
"Hey, hey, Paula."
What?
Nothing. Never mind.
Forget I brought it up.
Hey, this has been
driving me crazy.
I gotta know
something here, Paul.
What, Sam?
Well, I'll try to put this
as delicately as I can,
because you're my
friend and I like you,
and I don't want to insult you,
but why would any girl
be caught dead with you
when she could be with me?
You thought that
would offend me?
I'm serious.
I mean, what'd you do, slip
her a mickey or something?
Well since you asked me
so nicely, Sam, I'll tell you.
Paula is what we like to
refer to as a chubby-chaser.
You're kidding.
You mean, she likes to go out
with guys who
are... who are, uh...
Portly, Sam. The
word is "portly."
Did you hear that?
She only goes out with
guys who are heavy.
Well, you'd be surprised, Sam.
Women like the oddest things.
Take me.
Yeah? What do you like?
Nothing. Just take me.
SAM: This is driving me crazy.
I've gotta fin...
Excuse me. Listen.
Apparently, you've been, you
know, shooting me down here
for the last couple of days
because of the way I look.
So?
I think it's unfair
that you're not willing to
get to know the real me.
I think if you did, we could
be really good friends.
You want to be friends?
Yeah, I do. Yeah?
Okay, well, maybe we could start
by you introducing me
to some of your friends.
Especially that large and
lovely one right over there.
You mean Norm?
Yeah. He's a suitful, isn't he?
Oh, thank God.
I didn't miss the
interview, did I?
Yes, you did.
I've already had it.
They're outside
conferring about us now.
What did you tell them about me?
I described you in terms
which were positively glowing,
which is the way I'd
like to see you in hell.
So just remember
when they come back in to
pretend that we love each other.
After that, I go right
back to loathing you.
I can't believe that you're
willing to destroy our marriage
all because of
your childish refusal
to accept the
death of an animal.
The very fact that you think
of Whitey as "an animal"
proves that we are
completely incompatible.
But he was an animal!
Well, what-what-what was he?
A... a... a vegetable?
A mineral?
Oh, I know, he was the
CEO of General Motors.
I hate you.
I hate you!
Hello. Hello.
This is my husband,
Dr. Frasier Crane.
He's very sorry he's late,
but he's always so
busy helping people.
Pleased to meet you.
Won't you sit down?
And we'd like to thank you
for taking the time
to come down here.
It's good to see parents
that care so much.
You know, a program
like ours requires as much
of the parents as the child.
We couldn't agree more.
Right, dear?
Oh, absolutely, dear.
Unofficially, I think it's
a very good possibility
that we'll be able to
welcome Frederick
to the Magic Hours
Learning Center.
Oh, that's wonderful news.
We couldn't be happier.
But before you leave...
Would you like to see
something precious?
Our Sylvia
just had babies.
Well, who's Sylvia?
The school's pet hamster.
Oh.
Oh, look at that little
one in the corner.
He looks just like Whitey.
Who's Whitey?
Oh, he was my favorite dead rat
that this bastard took
and threw in the trash!
Don't mind her.
She's just overemotional,
and crazy as a loon!
I suppose you'd like
to take one of these
and throw it in
the garbage, too?
Here, why don't you just
bite the heads off these birds
while you're at it,
Dr. Death?
I am not the one who
goes walking around
with the decomposing
corpse of a rat in my purse.
You're a hateful man.
And you are a troubled,
disturbed woman.
But a wonderful mother.
Well, we'll get back to you.
Well, Sam, I've done it.
Blighted my child's hopes
of ever getting an education,
and probably ruined
my marriage as well.
I think my life is over.
Yeah, well, life is tough.
I just got shot down by a
chick who likes fat guys.
Oh, Rebecca, do you have
any more of those rice cakes?
Why?
Well, you were right.
They're the perfect food.
Yeah, what's the gag?
No, I'm telling you, we've been
enjoying them all day, right?
You bet.
Really? Yeah.
Well, that's neat.
I'm glad I could make you
guys, you know, feel better.
Yeah, I've got a whole new bag
of them right down here. Great.
You guys are gonna feel so much
healthier when you eat like this.
I'm not kidding. You'll
have a lot more energy.
Your bodies will feel lighter.
Your reflexes will be sharper.
Oh, our reflexes are
already much, uh, sharper.
Carla, pull.
Pull.
Frasier.
Frasier, I owe you an apology.
I haven't been myself
the past couple of days.
No, darling.
I, I trivialized your grief.
A husband should be supportive.
But, please... help me.
Help me.
Meet me halfway.
Why were you carrying a
moribund rodent in your evening bag?
I wasn't going to
take him on our date.
But I knew if I
left him at the lab,
they'd have given him to
the undergraduates to dissect.
I couldn't let that
happen to Whitey.
I just wanted to give
him a decent burial.
I'm, I'm so sorry.
How could I have
been so insensitive?
Of course, I overreacted.
But I think I know why.
I was confronted
for the first time
with the death of
someone close to me.
I understand, dear.
It's what we call a crisis.
I know what we call it, Frasier.
The upshot is I've never
been more acutely aware
of how precious and
fragile life is for each of us.
Well, darling, I think
everyone would agree
that existence is
tenuous at best.
Therefore, all we
can do is embrace life.
And you and I,
we're so fortunate.
We, we have a baby, the
very symbol of life reborn.
Frasier, he's no longer a baby.
He'll be going to
school in September.
Oh, yes, if we can successfully
negotiate a preschool interview
without slipping into a scene
from Who's Afraid
of Virginia Woolf?
But, darling, you're right.
Frederick is getting older.
You know there is a way
we could renew
ourselves yet again.
How would we do that?
We could have another child.
We could, couldn't we?
That's a wonderful idea.
Oh, Frasier, suddenly,
I'm filled with a glow.
Let's start right now.
It's all so strange.
A seemingly insignificant
creature lives and dies...
a marriage is threatened...
a child's education
is almost destroyed...
yet, somehow, someway,
I'm getting some
action out of it.