Cheers (1982–1993): Season 9, Episode 23 - Pitch It Again, Sam - full transcript

Sam plans to strike out an old baseball rival at a charity game.

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, guys,

guess what followed me home.

A slime trail?

This cute little
fellow right here.

Huh?

Isn't he sweet?

The cutest little dog
you've ever seen, huh?

What you gonna
do with him, Cliff?

Oh, I, I thought we'd just
keep him in the bar here, Sam,

you know, kind of
like a bar mascot.



Guys, I kind of thought
I was the bar mascot.

I don't think so, Cliffy.

All right, Sammy.

Come on, Spotty.

Bye-bye, Spotty.

Oh, how cute.

Hi, little fellow.

Ah.

What's his name?

Well, this is, this
is Spotty, huh?

Isn't he cute?

Yeah, he's kind of
like the-the bar mascot.

Hey, you know,

he and I are about
to take a bath.



Would you like to join us?

(theme song begins)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Hey, Mr. Clavin,

if you're looking for a
home for the dog there,

I'd be happy to take him.

Ah, no, Woody.

You see, Spotty here
is a thoroughbred puppy.

Needs a lot of attention, a lot
of care, needs a lot of space.

I'll give you five
bucks for him.

Here you go.

Hello. Any messages?

Oh, yeah.

One of your old baseball
buddies called, Dutch Kincaid.

I'll be damned.
Wonder what he wants?

Probably another home run.

I think you served him up
something like 27 in his career.

What did that work out to, Sam?

Oh, yeah, uh, one for
every time he faced you.

That was a long time ago. Yeah.

Poor guy's probably
down and out...

Wants to borrow a
few bucks from me.

No. He wants you to show up

for Dutch Kincaid Day
at Yankee Stadium.

They're having a Dutch
Kincaid Day at Yankee Stadium?

Yeah. They're bringing him
back for one more time at bat

before the game.

He wants you to pitch to him.

Smart guy, that Dutch.

He's gotta be kidding.

Why the hell should
I want to help him?

I, I'm gonna get on a plane
and fly down to New York

just to give him
some free publicity?

What are you worried about?

You afraid he's
gonna pop one out

and you're going to have to
see the old Dutch Windmill again?

What is the Dutch Windmill?

Oh, every time
Dutch hit a homer,

he used to do this little dance
while he ran around the bases.

It's kind of his trademark.

Yeah, if memory serves,

it was something like this.

He'd have that left arm pumping,

and the right arm
like a windmill,

and wiggle his
fanny back and forth.

NORM: No, no, no,

more like this.

No, Norm, less jiggle.

I haven't started dancing yet.

Hey, this is fun.

Did you have a trademark, Sam?

Shut up and leave me alone.

Actually, Sam, that's
more of a motto.

No, come on, man, don't
let him lick your... Ew!

Don't let him lick
your lips like that.

Oh, it's okay.

You know, it's
an interesting fact

that that dog's mouth
is probably cleaner

than anybody's in this bar.

There's a shock.

Fras, how about you? You
want to play with the puppy?

I don't know.

Uh, my mother never allowed me

to have a puppy
when I was a boy.

Consequently, she instilled
in me a slight fear of animals.

I'd say it's about
time you got over that.

Come on, now, Spotty.

I want you to say hello
to your Uncle Frasier.

Well, hello, Spotty.

Norm, I, I think Spotty
wants to go away now.

No. He feels pretty
comfortable there, doesn't he?

Well, did I mention to you that,
uh, Spotty wants to buy you a beer?

Good boy, Scotty.

Can I help you?

Yeah. I'm looking
for a yellow-bellied,

runny-nosed has-been.

Hmm, can't make one of those.

I'm out of cassis.

Hello, Dutch.

Mayday.

What are you doing here?

I hear you're too chicken
to pitch to me, Fluffy.

What's the matter,

afraid I'll make
you look bad again?

I'm not afraid of
anything, Dutch.

And I don't have
anything to prove, either.

Hey, you know,
Malone, if word gets out

that you're pitching
to me again,

it might give the guy
the kind of publicity

that would put him
back in the public eye.

Maybe even in the Hall of Fame.

Oh, get out.

I could never get
into the Hall of Fame.

Not you, you pantywaist.

It's Dutch Kincaid Day,
not Sam Malone Day.

Man, what an ego.

Find yourself another
sucker, will you?

Okay.

Have you got a
men's room in here?

Oh, what am I asking you for?

It's in the back.

Yeah, thanks.

Oh, uh, I gave my neighbor's
kid a Sam Malone baseball card

to stick in his
spokes of his bike.

Now, when he rides it, it goes
"wimp, wimp, wimp, wimp, wimp."

Come on, Sammy, let's go.

It would be great to
see you pitch again.

No way. I told him
"no" and I meant it.

Come on, the guy is a jerk.

You've got to nail him. No.

Knock him down a few pegs.

No. No-no-no.

Oh, no.

You're afraid he's still
gonna be able to hit you.

Oh, are you kidding me?

The guy's a washed-up
old has-been.

I mean, he hasn't
played for years.

I can strike him out with one
hand tied behind my back.

Worth a try, Sammy.

The other way never worked.

That was then, you know.

Now I've got the edge on him.

I'm young. You know,
I'm in good shape.

Aw, shoot.

I've got to remember to
warm up before I do that.

So why don't you
just go out there

and humiliate him
for a change? Yeah.

Come on, Sammy. Yeah, Sammy.

Listen to yourselves, will ya?

Have some class.

The guy's an old man.

FRASIER: Good for you, Sam.

I'm impressed by your stand.

It shows real maturity.

Yeah, well, it's gonna take
a lot more than a stupid insult

to get me to go all
the way to New York.

I'll see you later, Underpants.

That does it!

All right, I'll see
you Saturday.

Yankee Stadium.

That's the spirit.

Listen, and don't worry
about getting into the stadium.

Saturday is Ladies Day.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

That'll teach you to pinch a
lady's butt in a locker room.

Guys giving you trouble?

No.

I was teaching them how to
pinch a lady's butt in a locker room.

Ah, look at this.

I'm focused, I'm
psyched, I'm sober.

Hey, Dutch doesn't
stand a chance today?

Yeah.

Only one thing missing, huh?

I know, Sam.

Yeah, I wish Coach were here.

He is.

ANNOUNCER: Attention, ladies
and gentlemen, welcome to...

Call me sentimental, but doesn't
this bring back the old days?

Yeah.

I want you to get
out there, Sammy,

grind him into a
raw, meaty pulp,

spread him on home
plate and slide into his guts.

(sobbing): I've got
to get a Kleenex.

Hey, Sam Malone.

Yeah.

Cap Richards.

I'm Dutch's personal manager.

I cooked up this whole thing.

Glad I got a chance
to talk to you.

Uh, here's how it's gonna work.

Throw the first two
pitches however you want.

The third one, though, just float it
across home plate, nice and easy.

Oh, what? Yeah, I thought the
home run would be more dramatic

on the third pitch.

But if you want to
do it on the first pitch,

like you used to, go ahead.

You've gotta be kidding.

Sam Malone does not take a dive.

Yeah, I came down here to strike this
guy out and that's what I'm gonna do.

You know, if he wants to get a
hit, he's gonna have to earn it.

Whoa, this is not good.

We have a special
ceremony in honor of...

You ready, Sammy? Yeah.

Dutch Kincaid.

I can strike this
guy out, can't I?

Of course you can.

Listen,

this is your chance to
make up for the old days.

It's the last thing anyone's
ever gonna remember

about Sammy Mayday Malone...
that he struck out Dutch Kincaid.

Now go on out there
and smoke three fast ones

past that lousy
flat-headed bastard.

(sobbing): I need to
get another Kleenex.

Yeah? Huh?

Oh.

Excuse me,

are you Sam Malone?

Yeah.

Yeah. Wh-wh-what's your name?

Billy Kincaid. How
do you do, Billy?

Oh, now you wouldn't,
you wouldn't be a relation

to Dutch Kincaid would you?

He's my grandpa.

I've heard all his
neat stories about

how you used to help him
hit those long home runs.

I never got to see one, though.

I sure hope I can see one today.

I may have to
disappoint you there.

This is the last time
Grandpa's ever going to play.

It's today or never.

Go away, will you? Go on.

My two brothers and my baby
sister are all watching at home.

None of us ever saw
him hit a home run.

Give me a break, will you?

Grandpa told us he
wants to hit a ball so hard,

it'll go up to heaven, so
Grandma can say hello.

ANNOUNCER (over PA):
Now pitching, Sam Malone.

Yeah, all right.

Hey, how'd it go?

Great.

Need me to scalp any tickets?

No, no, you've done
enough for today.

Thanks, Vinnie.

Hey, you guys aren't
supposed to be in here.

That's all right, we're
with Sam Malone.

Mm-hmm.

We're his personal trainers.

So you're okay down here?

(chuckles)

We know our way
around a dugout, pally.

Look out, Cliffy. Incoming.

Boy, that ball girl's
really got an arm, huh?

Here you go, Toots.

Aw, Norm. What?

Barbecue sauce got
all over the nachos.

Hey... Hey...

Hey, guys, did I miss anything?

Sam hasn't started yet. Oh.

Where you been?

Oh, I've been
visiting the other team.

I ran into somebody I used
to get hot and sweaty with.

Who's that?

The other team.

And now, stepping to the
plate to face Sam Malone,

the man we all turned
out today to honor...

Dutch Kincaid.

(applause)

Boo-o-o-o! Boo-o-o-o! Boo-o-o-o!

Hey, you guys, come
on. The first pitch.

Okay, Sammy go! Go-go!

Come on, Sammy.

(ball thuds in mitt)
Oh, yeah! Strike one!

Go, Sammy!

All right, Sammy.

Look at him out there.

Doesn't he look
cool on the mound?

Oh, I've got goose bumps.

Yeah, all right, here
comes the stretch.

Hey, ram it down
his throat, Sammy!

Sammy, oh! Come on, Sammy!

(ball thuds in mitt)
Oh, yeah! Strike two!

(wild cheering) Oh, yeah!

Bring on the heat, Sammy!

He can't hit what he can't see!

(loud crack)

Apparently, he saw that one.

ANNOUNCER: Look at that ball go.

It may clear the
center field fence.

It's going, going,
it's out of here!

(crowd cheering)

Poor Sammy.

Wow, he must feel lousy, huh?

Yeah, he's really
gonna need our support.

Well, we'll just have
to be really nice to him.

We can sneak out of here.

I know a shortcut
through the showers.

Better yet.

Too late.

He's seen us.

Okay.

I know what you're thinking.

But I can explain it.

I know it looked
like a home run.

Yeah, our first clue
was when the ball

actually left the stadium.

Yeah, but it doesn't count
'cause I did it on purpose.

All right.

Oh, sure, Sam.

You let him get a home
run off you on purpose.

No, no.

I did it for Kincaid's grandkid.

He wanted to see his
grandfather hit a home run, so...

Well, hell, he can
explain it to you.

Billy.

Yo, hey, Billy!

Oh, right, Sam.

Whatever you say.

We believe you.

Why are you using that voice?

That's your "I don't
believe you" voice.

No it's not, Sam.
I do believe you.

Then why are
you still talking...

Oh, come on, listen,
Billy'll tell you everything.

Hey, Billy!

Come on, Billy! Sam, Sam.

Come on. Let's go home.

We get to go on
an airplane ride.

And maybe when we're up there,

we'll get to see that
pitch you served Dutch.

I'm telling you, I
did it on purpose.

I swear to God.

There was this kid...

Come on, Billy!

This isn't funny!

78, 79...

If you keep moving
around, Spotty,

I'm not gonna be able
to get an accurate count.

One, two, three, four...

Woody. Five...

I guess you've given up
on finding his owner, huh?

Well, why don't you want me
to have this dog, Ms. Howe?

It's not that I don't want
you to have the dog, Woody,

it's just that I have
this... this thing

about being completely honest
when it comes to lost pets.

Okay, when I was ten years old,

I had this beautiful
Persian cat named Princess.

She only loved me.

She didn't like anybody
else in my family.

One day I woke up,
Princess was gone.

My mom and dad
said that she got out

through the bedroom window.

The weird thing is,

I could have sworn
that bedroom window

was painted shut.

It bothered me for years.

Then as you matured,
you came to accept the fact

that it was your parents
who, in fact, got rid of the cat.

What?!

My Princess?!

They took my Princess?!

Oh, boy, me and my big mouth.

Why don't I just
go down to the park

and tell the little kids
about Santa Claus?

What about Santa?

But we do believe you, Sam.

I'm getting tired of that voice.

You know, I don't care
what you guys think.

In my heart, I
know I did this...

ALL: for a little boy and
his dead grandmother.

Oh, guys, look.

Spotty fell asleep on my shoe.

He's so sweet.

I just wish I was
wearing sandals

so I could feel his
little puppy breath.

Hi, gentlemen.
What can I get you?

Just coffee. We're on duty.

What's the matter?

Well, two weeks
ago our dog ran away.

Cutest little puppy
you ever saw.

He's just about so big.

Today, Chief made
us give up our search.

Oh.

Woody, I think they're
talking about Spotty.

Do you want to say something?

No.

Make them go away.

Come on, Woody.

It is obvious
that it is their dog.

And give me a
break, a Dalmatian,

the fire department.

It's a different dog, ratfink.

Just 'cause you
lost your stupid cat.

Remember when he was born?

Oh-h-h-h.

We each took hour-long shifts

feeding him warm milk
through an eyedropper.

Remember how he used
to fall asleep on my shoe?

Yeah.

I can still feel his
warm little puppy breath.

(cries)

What is it?

Nothing.

Go away. Isn't there
a fire somewhere?

Oh, the heck with it.

I didn't want him anyway.

He's all covered with spots.

Hey-hey-hey...

Take him, I didn't know
he was yours, honest.

Thanks, kid.

Looks like you took
real good care of him.

Yeah. You know, we
had a reward posted...

A hundred bucks.

Oh, I don't care
about the money.

I just want what's
best for Spotty.

Gee, I'm, sorry, kid.

Now, a ride on a real
fire engine might help.

We can't let you do that.

(cries): I miss him so much!

All right, come on.

But don't tell anybody.

Yeah!

Hey, can I, can I run the siren?

No, that would be illegal.

(cries): Oh, geez, Spotty
meant everything to me!

All right, you can
turn on the siren.

Well, can I wear your hat?

It's part of the uniform.

Well, can I drive,

please, please?!

Here, take the dog.

Take the dog.

(crying)

We snowed 'em, dude.

Where's little Miss Malone?

In the office?

Haven't you
humiliated him enough?

Hey, not as much
as he humiliated me.

Hey, Malone...!

Pull on your pantyhose
and get out here.

We've got a score to settle.

Come on, Dutch.

You had your home run.

Why don't we just
leave it at that?

I'm not gonna leave it at that.

You deliberately
threw me a cream puff.

I don't need your
charity pitches.

I didn't do it for you.

I did it for your grandkid.

I don't have any grandkid.

What do you mean, you
don't have any grandkid?

Naw, my personal
manager and his kid

are always pulling that scam.

That's how I got
Dutch Kincaid Day.

This was a setup?

I had a chance finally

to strike you out in front
of a stadium full of people

and I had to let it go
for a stupid, lousy setup?

You never had a chance, Malone.

I can hit anything
you can serve up.

Oh, come on. Give me a break.

My first two pitches
went right by you.

Well, I let them go
by for the drama.

Drama?

You let them go
by for the drama?

You want drama?

I'll give you drama.

Come with me, you,
you, come on, right now.

All right.

There's still plenty
of daylight out there.

Let's do it.

Yeah, well, I'll be back

in about three pitches, fellas.

Two grown men settling a rivalry

by throwing a little white
ball at a wooden stick.

How pathetic.

Now, boxing...

that's a man's sport.

Punch a guy in the face
and scramble his brains.

That proves something.

Fras, you're coming
around, buddy.

Thank you.

Hey, shut up, you
guys, Sammy's pitching.

(crack)

Oh, my God, there's
two moons in the sky.

SAM: All right, lucky hit.

Let's go again.

(crack)

Gee, he almost hit a helicopter.

(crack)

SAM: Okay, 226 lucky hits.

CARLA: Hang in there, Sammy.

He's old. He can't live forever.