Cheers (1982–1993): Season 9, Episode 19 - Crash of the Titans - full transcript

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Another beer, Sam.

Uh, put it on my tab.

Actually, Paul, we
don't run tabs here.

What do you mean
you don't run tabs here?

Norm Peterson has a
tab the size of his pants.

Well, that's, that's Norm.

Well, this is Paul.

Come on, Norm
doesn't have much in life,

except Cheers.

What about me? I'm unemployed.



I don't like my wife.

You're putting me
in a tough spot here.

I'm sorry, Sam, I
really want a tab.

Yeah, I want a tab, too.

MAN: Hey, you
guys are getting tabs?

Hey, everybody,
we're all getting tabs.

No, you're not. Put that back.

Paul, you see what...

Sam, I'm sitting
here until I get a tab.

What are you talking about?

Paul doesn't have a tab here?

Please.

This is one of our

most loyal customers for years.



If anyone deserves a
tab in this joint, it's Paul.

All right.

We'll run a tab for Paul.

Hey, thanks, Norm.

Can I have beer,
please, Sam, and, uh,

why don't we put
it on Paul's tab?

(theme song begins)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Carla, it's the
first of the month.

Where's my rent check

for the poolroom
and the bathrooms?

Here you are.

Buy yourself a melon in
case you misplace your head.

Thank you.

Tell me, Carla,
clinically speaking,

are you considered
a dwarf or a midget?

Say, is that your head or is
your neck blowing a bubble?

Somebody phone
the authorities in Paris.

A gargoyle has just
fallen off Notre Dame

and is now taking drink orders.

You know, two heads like that

would make a
perfectly good butt.

Shrike. Bullet head.

Slattern. Hatchet face.

Well, must be off.

Till next month, then.

He's good people.

Hey, Carla.

What's the matter, Eefus?

Well, you served table
three's drinks to table five.

That's a five?

Yeah, can't you read that?

CLIFF: Aw, it's not
surprising, Woody.

Carla's reaching that age

where the lens of the
cornea loses its elasticity.

They do say that the
eye is the first to go.

(chuckles)

Keep it up

and your teeth will
be the first to go.

That was clearly a
three there, Eefus.

Get your orders straight.

Good morning.

Hey, Rebecca,

you got to get on the
phone with the distributor.

I'm still out of vermouth.

Yeah, yeah, I'll do
that this afternoon.

I have to work on my
own plans this morning.

Your plans for what?

For what I'm going to do

when I buy your bar.

(laughing): Oh,
those plans, right.

Oh, how can I forget that?

You're not taking me
seriously, are you, Sam?

No, no, I'm not. No, I'm not.

You, the bar owner.

"Hi, I'm Rebecca Howe.

"Welcome to my bar.

"Gee, you know, we're a
little low on vermouth today.

"Maybe I ought to get on
the phone and order some

"because, after all, this is...

my bar."

That is not funny.

Yeah, well, I guess to get it,

you'd have to be a bar
owner or out of vermouth

and I'm both, so order it.

Sam, I am prepared to make you

a legitimate offer on this bar.

I can offer you
$25,000 cash right now.

How about $15,000 in cash
and $10,000 in vermouth?!

Sam, I'm serious.

Where are you going to
get that kind of money?

(scoffing): I have a degree.

I'm a businesswoman.

I just spent the last ten
years in a major corporation.

My daddy's giving it to me.

He's just giving it to you?

Well, no, we have an agreement.

He agreed to give me the money

and I agreed to never
again come home

and cry so hard that I
throw up at the dinner table.

This is a bit of a
surprise, isn't it, Rebecca?

Why do you want
Cheers? I would think

for you this bar would only have

negative associations
connected with it.

Well, think of all the
heartbreak you've had here,

the forgotten goals,
the missed opportunities.

Hey, it's called
atmosphere, babe.

I would think for you

this place would have
the stench of failure.

No, that's Clavin,

and F.Y.I., it's
not just failure.

You know, actually, Lilith,

I had more productive,
successful times at Cheers

than I've had
anyplace else in my life.

Dear God.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was thinking of
something else.

Sweetheart, I-I think
it's a great idea...

You know, you
running a business...

But you got to
understand something.

This bar is not for sale
at any price, end of story.

Do you really mean that?

Because I'm not going to
come to you with this offer again.

Well, I'll just have
to live with that.

I-I-I'll hold it in my heart

and remember all the
laughter it brought me.

Oh, and by the way, you know,

that vermouth is not going
to order itself, there, Sparky.

Sam!

(laughs) Come on.

I'm sorry.

You're right, I'm not
taking you seriously here.

I got to be supportive.

All right, uh, tell you what.

I will sell you this bar.

You will? Yeah.

What would be a fair price here?

We got liquor,
glasses, bar stools.

Oh, I don't know,
let's say $25 million.

Come on, Sam.

Oh, don't be so negative.

Here, I'll show you
how supportive I can be.

All right, let's take a
collection here for Rebecca.

I need a tin can.

Oh, yeah, here we go,
all right. Hey, yo, yo, yo.

Whoop... all
right, there you go.

Okay, let's help, uh,

Rebecca pay for this bar here.

I'll tell you what, I am going
to put in a nickel myself.

Now, can anyone,

uh, match that?

Anybody?

Ooh, not looking
good here, babe.

I hope you're having fun.

Actually, I'm not.

You know, fund-raising
is really hard work.

I must be doing somethin' right.

A guy just gave me a ten
dollar tip on a $30 bar tab.

That's a single.

Oh, man.

Well, I might as well
get this over with.

Woody, cover for me.

I shouldn't put
this off any longer.

There you go, now
you're thinking there, Carla.

Get those eyes
checked out properly.

Forget that.

I'm going to run the
cheapskate over like a dog.

Well, if your eyes are
in such great shape,

then how come you took
my car keys by mistake?

That was no mistake.

You think I want his blood
and hair on my fender?

Oh, I see a starfish.

CLIFF: I think it's a manta ray.

You showing ink
blots again, Dr. Crane?

Uh, no, Woody.

We are engaged in
something far more challenging

than anything Hermann
Rorschach ever dreamed up.

That's right, Wood,
we're trying to figure out

the five hidden pictures on
Melville's kiddie place mat.

SAM: Okay, boys.

Tell you what, let's check, uh,

Rebecca's tote board here,

ladies and gentlemen.

All right, you can see her
goal here of $25 million.

Let's check that against

the grand total of...
Whoo... two nickels!

All right!

Whoo!

Uh-oh, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

That confetti just
cost you a nickel.

Promotion's not free, you know.

Your jokes

are so childish and moronic.

Well, that's what
keeps me young, babe.

(both laughing) MAN: Rebecca.

REBECCA: Oh, Harry,
I'm glad you're here. Sam.

This is my appraiser, he's going

to tell me how much
this bar is really worth.

Well, I'll save you
some trouble here, Harry.

The bar is worth $25 million.

Well, Rebecca, I need
to work up the figures,

but everything seems
to be in good shape.

Except for that
strange floor deformity.

What floor deformity?

There seems to be
a depression here.

It's almost as if this bar stool

is sinking right into the earth.

I wonder what could cause that.

Uh, pardon me, pal.

You're standing between
me and my cheese doodles.

You know, uh,

I don't think that a
ground surface irregularity

of this nature is so strange.

I mean, after all,

the entire east
coast is sinking.

We all know that.

I mean, due to global warming,
the polar ice caps are melting

and, hey, we're gonna
be all underwater anyway.

Yeah, that's why I, uh,

like to keep a
couple of cans of tuna

and an inflatable raft
in the trunk of my car.

Wait a second, I ate the
tuna a couple of nights ago.

I'd better go out
and get some more.

Boy, if that flood
comes tonight,

I'm really going to kick myself.

Harry...

do you think you have enough
figures to run the appraisal?

Well, just one more question.

Is that mailman going to
be hanging around here?

I don't know.

Well, I'll run the
figures both ways.

Honey, you're wasting your
money running an appraisal like this.

Remember, you only
got one nickel left.

(huffing): Sam, you know what?

You never take
anything I say seriously.

Take this seriously.

I will have this bar.

You're right, I'm sorry.

From now on, I'm going
to take you seriously.

Good.

(in low voice): This is me
taking Rebecca seriously.

Come on, guys, let's all
take Rebecca seriously.

(in low voice): All right, Sam, well,
I'm going to be very serious now.

(in low voice): Well, what the
heck? This is a very serious bar.

I'd like a very
serious beer, please.

(Sam and Norm laughing)

No, I'm serious,
Sam, I'd like one.

You guys are such...

Excuse me, Miss.

Is this total right?

Yeah.

What was that?

Nothing.

There was something
across the bridge of your nose.

It was horn-rimmed and
a little Coke bottle-ish.

All right, I went to one
of those one-hour joints

and I got myself a
pair of reading glasses.

But if I hear one single
comment about Ben Franklin

or Granny or "four eyes,"

I will cut out your tongue
and fry it up for lunch.

(muffled laughs)

(laughing)

(laughing)

I don't care. It's
worth a tongue.

Oh darn.

These glasses
have a spot on them.

That's better.

(laughing)

This is so funny!

What are you doing, Sam? Huh?

Oh, I'm, uh, faking a letter
from the IRS here saying

that Rebecca overpaid
her return last year.

So the government
now owes her $25 million.

Sam...

Well, it could happen!

Come on! Give me a break.

I think your humor is expressing

a hidden hostility
toward Rebecca.

Or perhaps, deep down, you fear

she really is capable of
taking this bar from you.

Put a suit on a woman
and she thinks she's God.

Frasier, are you going

to let him talk to me like this?

She's also this way

when the suit comes off, Sam.

You should see
her rule the roost

in her bra and panties.

Well, well...

well, hey, it's a
compliment, baby!

(laughing): Oh!

Hey, listen to this!

"P.S. Order some vermouth."

(hysterically laughing)

Sam. Yeah?

I've always known that you
felt that my owning the pool room

and bathrooms was an
unwieldy arrangement.

So I found a solution.

Oh, good. What?

I've agreed to sell
them to Rebecca.

I hope you can afford
the new rent, Sam,

but if you have any trouble

maybe you can
throw a little telethon.

Tell you what.

(low voice): I'm willing
to donate a nickel.

Oh, no, no, no.

This is not gonna happen here.

Listen, if you want to sell
these rooms to somebody,

sell them to me.

I mean, whatever she
offered you, I'll pay more.

Oh, really?

Why? Wait a minute.
What-What did she offer you?

I offered him the $25,000
my father gave me.

Sam, do you have a father?

Hold it. Excuse
me. Wait a minute.

You accepted my deal.

You said, "Yes."

"Yes" can mean so many things.

You see, you see
what she's trying

to do here, don't you, John?

I mean, if she gets a
hold of those bathrooms

and the pool room, she, she'll
take the whole bar from me

and she's gonna ruin me.

Oh, I'm all a tingle.

All right. All right.

Uh, how much did she offer you?

$25,000.

All right. All right.

Uh, $25,000 and one dollar.

No, no, $20.

Yeah. $25,000 and $20.

Let's see you beat that.

$30,000.

I thought, I thought we
were going up in $20.

It seems we have two
interested parties here.

Perhaps I should
give it to the one

who wants it the most.

The party who's willing
to go that extra mile.

Oh, dear, I notice
my shoelace is untied.

Oh, give me a break!

You expect one of us to get
down on our hands and knees

and tie your shoelace so
you can give them the rooms?

Oh, well to hell
with you, Mister.

You know, nothing's worth that.

Oh, Christmas is
coming early this year.

Ah, Woody, if you see
Hill, give him his keys,

tell him I'm
finished, all right?

Oh, Sammy, you didn't
wash his car, did you?

Hey, what do you take me for?

I detailed every inch of it.

Hey, Carla,

I heard the guys were
kidding you about your glasses.

But I want you to know,

I think it makes you look
a lot more intellectual.

Thanks, Woody.

In fact, they...

they kind of make
you look like Einstein.

Thanks a lot. Yeah,

if you could just get your
hair to do what his does.

Well, actually, it almost does.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Why me?

I have to work with him.

Oh, boy, Miss Howe!

When I see a woman

in a hot little black
dress like that,

all I can think of is "zowie,"

and "who died?"

Oh, Sam!

I want to thank you
for washing John's car

because after he cooks
dinner for me tonight,

he might want me
to go dancing and...

I want us to look good.

Oh, that's great.

I-I send him flowers and
he takes you dancing.

Men.

You know, also,

you can wax John's car

and you can do his menial tasks,

but I have something
you don't have.

See you later...

or in the morning.

What does she mean by that,

she has something
you don't have?

She's got nice hair,
you got nice hair.

She's got nice eyes,
you got nice eyes.

She's got...

Uh-oh, Sam.

You're in big trouble.

That was a very
nice meal, Mr. Hill.

Thank you.

I only wish that I could
have cooked it for you.

Oh, well, I didn't
want to disturb you

while you were
doing the windows.

Why don't we just sit
here a while and enjoy

a little wine,

before you do the dishes.

Mmm, you know, John...

I really deserve that
property downstairs

more than Sam does.

Well, deserving something

and earning it are
two different things.

Well, you know, John,

if you did sell me the property,

I would be a very
friendly neighbor.

And I'm sure we could come

to some mutual agreement.

You do know what
I mean, don't you?

(glassed and dishes shattering)

Oh, I'll clean that up later.

Don't worry about that,

we have a real estate
purchase to consider.

In fact, why don't we
go into the next room.

We can get under
the sheets and haggle.

Right now?

I'm ready.

Oh, gee, John.

I think that stain is
gonna set in here.

I'm willing to throw
caution to the wind

and say I'll risk my carpet.

We really need to
put something on it.

Very well. How about us?

Eww...

Oh.

I mean,

as enchanting as
that offer is, John,

I-I really think club soda
would be more effective.

Oh, you're into
club soda, are you?

No, not really, I just...

(softly): What can
that possibly mean?

Come to Papa, Peaches.

Oh, no, no,
don't, wait, hold it.

You know, there's a joint
right around the corner

and they sell these
carpet cleaning machines.

This hot water shoots
right into the bristles

and it really cleans it up fast!

Sounds like fun. No, I
really better be going.

You're fast.

And agile.

(knocking at door)

Yes! Come in!

Oh! Oh!

Rebecca. Rebecca. Rebecca.

Sam, I'm really glad to see you.

I'm just glad I
got here in time.

I mean, you see what
he's driving you to,

don't you? You're
throwing yourself at a man

just to gain material things.

You know what that
makes you, don't you?

Ahead in the race to get a
pool room and two bathrooms.

Come on, Rebecca.

Yeah, you just stay out
of this will you, John?

Honey, go downstairs,

wipe that makeup off, will you?

I tell you what,

why don't you put on a
nice dress or something,

maybe call your Mom.

Bet it's been a
while, hasn't it?

Yeah, yes, Sam, it has.

Yeah, yeah.

Actually it's been a
while for me, too, Sam.

Thanks for spoiling what was
going to be a lovely evening.

That certainly
endears you to me.

I just have two
words for you, John.

What's that? Twins.

Come on in, girls.

Here's Johnny!

How do you like
these, Johnny boy?

Go ahead and touch
'em. They're real.

Oh, I just forgot my...

Wha...

Who are they? Uh...

this is not what you think.

Gee, we never met a big
Hollywood producer before.

All right, it's, it's
what you think.

Sam, Sam, look at
us. I know, I know.

Do you know what
he's doing here? Yeah.

He's playing us
against each other.

You're right.
This is disgusting.

You can't make us act like this.

You know something? You
can keep those stupid old rooms.

All bets are off.
Come on, let's go.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

So did Sam explain the
part you'll be reading for?

Oh, Sam.

I can't believe you
could sink this low.

You should have
seen me in my prime.

JOHN: Sam.

Oh, get out of
here, will you, Hill?

We don't want your type
around here anymore.

You're bad news.

Bad news.

I just came down to thank you

for introducing me to
Hope and Joy, Sam.

It's very hard to make
friends in a new town.

The least I can do is sell you

the pool room and the bathrooms.

As I recall, the last

offer was, uh, $30,000.

Yeah, but,

but I don't have $30,000.

How much do you have?

$5,000.

I'm sorry, Sam. It's
simply out of the question.

Yeah, but wait a minute,
I-I detailed your car.

Wait, wait a minute, Sam.

You do have $30,000.

Oh, wow.

Rebecca, you'd do this for me?

I'd do this for us.

A business partnership, Sam.

We should have thought
of it in the first place.

Oh, yeah.

Wh... yeah, why didn't we?

Because you were so busy

making those
stupid telethon jokes.

Oh.

Yeah, I'm gonna miss those.

All right, listen.

Here's her check
and here's mine.

That makes $30,000.

Well, thank you very much.

Enjoy your pool room.

Oh, and you should

rest well in the knowledge

that this $30,000 will pay
nicely for that screen test.

Good news, girls!

We're going to Hollywood!

BOTH: Eww!