Cheers (1982–1993): Season 9, Episode 18 - Sam Time Next Year - full transcript
Sam injures his back while on his annual Valentine's Day date with his old flame.
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
No, I don't remember her name.
(wind whistling)
Sammy?
Yeah. Yeah. It's Mike Dukakis.
SAM: Yeah. It's Michael Dukakis.
Let's go say hello
to him. We can't.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! What'll we call him?
What'll we call
him? Uh, Governor.
Ex. Ex-governor.
Ooh, yeah. Your
Honor. There you go.
You... Your Ex Honor.
No, no, no, no, no.
Yeah. Mike.
Michael. Duke! Duke, Duke, Duke!
Duke! Duke! Duke!
Hi. How're you doing? SAM: Hi.
Hi.
(both laughing)
We said hello to
Michael Dukakis!
No, no, we said hi to Mike!
Michael.
No, no. Duke. Duke.
Duke. Duke. We
said hello to Duke.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Oh! Uh, uh. Excuse me.
Excuse me, Rebecca.
Uh, 2:15.
Hey, Sammy, here you go.
Thanks, Carla.
Phew! That was close.
What the hell was that?
Sammy's vitamin E.
It's Valentine's Day.
Duh!
Oh, yeah.
That's that stupid date
he goes on once a year
with that... what is
that... Lauren person.
NORM: Stupid?
This is not some
stupid date, Rebecca.
For the last 20 years,
Sammy and Lauren have met
for one night each year.
It's kind of like Sammy's
version of commitment.
Actually,
it's a lot like my
version of commitment.
SAM: Hey, Carla,
how long have you had this
bottle of vitamin E around, huh?
I don't know. A while. Why?
What is with this date
you go on every year?
I mean, you know, to me,
it just... it just seems silly.
(men gasping) Uh-oh!
Come on, guys.
Guys, she just
doesn't understand.
You see, sweetheart,
first time Lauren and I met,
we went up to this
cabin, and we had a night
that was totally
romantic and erotic.
I guess you'd call that silly.
If you liked her so much,
how come you only
see her once a year?
I don't know. I don't
know. It was her idea.
You know, she never told me why.
I keep meaning to ask
her, but then I forget.
This year's going to
be different, though.
I'm gonna pin her down.
No, I better not do that.
Actually, I'll forget
again, won't I?
Well, I still say
it's a stupid way
to spend Valentine's
Day. Yeah, but
that's 'cause you
don't have a date.
Oh, yeah? I happen
to have a date
with two very sweet gentlemen...
Ben and Jerry.
Hey, you know,
it's just a made-up
holiday anyway.
You know, some big
fat greeting card tycoon
trying to get rich
off of dopey cards
and candy hearts.
Don't be depressed about that.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
If you're gonna be
depressed about anything,
it should be the fact
that you're only making
seven bucks an hour,
your skin is starting
to flake at the hairline,
and you're a year
closer to death.
Thank you, Carla.
But, hey, if it makes
you feel any better,
Happy Valentine's Day!
Woody, a couple
of pitchers, please.
Sure, Dr. Crane.
Uh, if you're buying beer
for your friends
back there, Fras,
you know, I'm,
uh... I'm available.
(laughs) Well...
Actually, they're not friends.
It's a therapy group I have
for men who have
trouble relating to women.
(laughing): Well,
set 'em up, Wood.
Ah, Frasier.
Here you are.
And where are the
dysfunctional men?
Throw a rock.
They're in the pool room.
Come along, ladies.
Why don't you go on ahead
into the poolroom and...
make yourselves as comfortable
as five women totally hostile
to their own bodies can be.
After you.
So, uh, what's
going on back there?
Well, Frasier and I are both
treating same-sex groups
with relationship disorders.
And recent studies suggest
that there are benefits
to be gained by bringing
these two groups together
for interrelations
under controlled
social circumstance.
Say what?
Well, come on.
Surely you've all seen,
uh, Love Connection.
Oh!
G... Guys! Guys!
What are you doing out here?
Dr. Crane, there's... there's...
Yes, I know.
There's girls in there.
But you see, you're
missing the point.
This is exactly
the type of situation
we've been training for.
This time it's the real
thing, not just me in a wig.
Whoa! Man, those
stairs are slippery.
Woody, I think we could
use a little salt out there.
These pretzels could
use a little salt, too.
My blood pressure's
actually dipping.
Boy, those patients of
mine are really hopeless.
Well, heck,
bring them out here.
This is the hopeless room.
Yeah, I don't know, Dr. Crane.
Haven't you ever thought
that it's kind of tough on them,
doing all that counseling stuff?
I mean, I was raised to believe
that if you have a problem,
you lock it away
in a secret place.
You keep it bottled
up good and tight.
And if it gets full in there,
you just keep
forcing the pain down
and clamping it in.
Good advice, Woody.
Tick, tick, tick.
Well, guys, I'm all
packed and ready to go.
Hey. Hey. Hey.
You sure you got
everything, Sam?
Yup.
And then some.
Oh! Oh, you dog!
Hey! You dog!
Well, hey, I'm out of here.
No, no, no.
No, you don't, Sam Malone!
SAM: What?
You don't just leave here
on your 20th-anniversary
date with Lauren just like that.
We got something special
cooked up for you. Carla,
hit it.
(fanfare plays)
Ah, look at him go.
So proud,
so majestic,
so regal.
(thudding, Sam grunting)
CARLA: Woody,
you never salted
those steps, did you?
Hey, I'll get to it.
Let me see.
I don't believe
there's a fracture,
just a serious sprain
right around lumbar three.
Does it hurt when I do this?
(groaning)
That's good. That's good.
Ooh. Why? Does that
mean I'm gonna get better?
No. Because it means I
know what I'm talking about.
You see, Lilith, I could
so have been a real doctor.
Hey, give me a hand
here, will you, Woody?
Oh, geez.
Time's a-wastin', my friend.
Oh, Sam, you're
not seriously thinking
of still going on
this date, are you?
You bet I am. NORM: All right!
(men cheering)
Sam, I seriously urge you
to stay off your
feet and in bed.
Well, that's part of
the plan, there, Fras.
Hey, Woody, can you
do me one tiny little favor?
Sure, Sam. What is it?
Can you get me up to my
car, then drive me to Vermont,
then get me into the cabin?
What's in it for me?
Well, you could use that
new gas card of yours
to fill the tank.
All right! I'll feel
so grown up!
All right, Sam.
I'm gonna drive you up there,
and I don't want you
to worry about a thing.
I'm a very good driver.
Great. Great.
Just go, please.
♪ Ding, ding, ding. ♪
What are you doing?
"The captain is requesting
that all passengers please
fasten their safety belts."
Oh.
(groans)
C-Can you get
that for me, please?
Sure, Sam.
Where is that
seat belt? (grunts)
Here it is.
Ow!
That hurt!
I'm sorry.
(clicking seat belt)
Nice and snug.
Here we go.
(car engine starts)
Ignition, lights,
parking brake,
mirror, signal.
(turn signal clicking)
Blind spot.
Vermont,
here we come.
(brakes squeal) Lord have mercy!
What? What happened? Aah!
Well, I didn't think
that pigeon was
gonna fly away in time.
Why do they always
wait till the last minute?
What, do they think
that's funny or something?
Aw, I don't know, Woody...
All right. All right,
Sam, hang on.
We're gonna pull out again.
Mirror, signal, blind spot.
(turn signal clicking)
There.
"Exit 19.
Concord Street."
"Exit 20."
"Route 125."
Woody...
Hang on, Sam.
"93 North."
Oh, no, please, don't
read all the road signs.
Oh, fine, Sam.
Would you like me to
ignore the speed limit, too?
I wouldn't mind if
you approached it.
Meow, Sam.
(rattling)
Sam, I hear some rattling.
Is your door closed all the way?
No, it's not.
Here, I'll get it.
No, no, hang on. I-I'm gonna
pull over as soon
as I make this turn.
(sighs) No, don't
undo your seat belt!
Give me a break.
Will you lighten up?
Whoa! (thudding)
Now would that have happened
if you'd been wearing
your safety belt?
Now boys, girls,
I have an orange under my chin.
I am going to attempt to
pass it to this lovely woman,
whom I do not fear.
Now you see, isn't that fun?
Whoa!
Now, why don't you
have a crack at it?
Edward, how about you?
Come on.
Here we are. That's lovely.
Okay. Ready?
Yes. Good, good, good, yes.
I don't think I want
to do this, Dr. Crane.
Oh, all right!
And what would you
suggest that we do?
Stare at one another?
Lord knows you've all
had enough practice at that!
You're pressuring them, Doctor.
Oh, you're right, darling. Uh...
You know, perhaps we should try
a different approach.
You know, there is
a technique pioneered
in the early 60's,
which is thought
to be without peer
in producing the social
effect that we seek.
I'm referring, of course, to...
Twister!
LILITH: Left foot blue.
(door opens)
Oh, yeah.
Ah, this place is going to
see some action tonight.
Oh, Sam, you've
still got a little gravel
stuck to the back of your neck.
Yeah? Well, I like it like that.
Just get me on the bed there.
You can take off and come
pick me up in the morning.
(car approaching)
Oh, hey, that's
Lauren's car there.
Oh, great! I'm really looking
forward to meeting her.
No, no, man. You g...
you got to get out of here.
If she sees you, she's gonna
think something's wrong.
It'll ruin the mood. Just
quick... get out the window.
Go on! Oh, sure.
"Quick, out the window."
Not exactly the undying
thanks and gratitude
I might expect after driving
200 miles through the snow.
Would you just shut
up and move your butt?
Oh, that's much better, Sam.
That'll keep me warm
on the drive home.
Sam, there's a door here.
Why'd I go out the window?
Would you get out of here?!
Go on!
Happy Valentine's Day, Sam.
Happy Valentine's Day, Lauren.
Aww... wait.
Why? Wh-what are you doing?
I want to get a
running start. No-no!
No! No! Lauren!
Nooooo!
Now you have to
play by the rules.
The bottle is clearly
pointing at Jill.
Now, Jules, you
have to kiss her.
I pass.
For the hundredth
time, you cannot pass!
Okay, I quit.
Perhaps it's time
we admit our failure.
It was a well-intentioned
experiment,
but we realize now
that you're not ready
for this type of
social interaction.
I guess we can only
conclude by saying,
"Oh, well."
FRASIER: No!
I'm not giving up!
How difficult can it
be to kiss a woman?
Be a little assertive
for once in your life!
Now you see how
easy that was? Again.
Again!
Class dismissed. Let's go, hon.
(Lauren moans)
Sam, is something wrong?
Mm-mm, why?
You're biting your lip. Mm.
Usually, you bite
my lip. (chuckles)
I'm sorry.
I have an idea. Ow!
(sultry music plays)
Let's dance the way
we used to, Sam.
(chuckles)
You know something,
we always dance.
W-Why don't we just, uh...
why don't we just
sit very still, huh?
Yeah, i-it could become
a new tradition for us.
Come on, Sam, let's slow dance.
(grunts): No!
You like that, huh?
Hey, I've got a great idea here.
Let's, uh, tell you what.
You want to learn that new
dance that's sweeping Boston?
I'm game. What do we do?
The guy kind of stands
like this, very still.
And sometimes
he leans up against something.
And pretty soon his
legs start to tremble.
Sort of the way yours are now.
Yeah, yeah.
There, you like it?
(snapping fingers)
Well, what does the girl do?
Usually she runs for some ice.
You don't want to
dance, do you, Sam?
No, you know, the
truth is, I really don't.
Sam, what's going on?
What do you mean?
Never mind.
I think I know.
(music stops)
I mean, it's obvious.
I'm not exactly as young
as I used to be and, um...
Oh, sweetheart, wait a minute.
Wait, is that what you think?
Well, it's okay. You
can level with me.
I've gotten too old for you.
Oh, no. Listen, age
has nothing to do with it.
You... you are still
as young and sexy
as that first day
and night and next
morning that we met.
Really, Sam?
Then why are you
acting so standoffish?
Yeah... oh, honey, I've
got to level with you here.
Sweetie, I fell down
the steps today.
I threw my back out.
I can barely move.
Oh...
Well, I'm not surprised,
a man your age.
Hey, look!
That cute guy, with
the hairy knuckles,
he just left me a five buck
tip inside this Valentine.
How 'bout that?
So what?
I thought that we...
didn't care...
about that...
stupid made-up...
Valentine corporate garbage.
That's just what losers say
when they don't get any.
But I got one, and at 11:40.
Right under the wire.
Whoa, I almost pulled
a Rebecca that time.
That's not very nice, Carla.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I almost forgot.
Guess who called you
to wish you a Happy
Valentine's Day? Who?
Nobody!
Well, don't you
worry there, Rebecca.
Nobody's a loser on this day.
I'm not going to, uh,
let you leave the
bar empty-handed.
What's this?
It's a Valentine's
card I got for Ma,
but I, I think it
suits you better.
Gee, Cliff, thanks.
Hey! Carla!
I did get one!
So, uh...
what am I gonna get for it?
What do you mean?
Eh, come on,
baby, swing a little.
What?
Well, according to Fras, uh,
babes like guys
who are assertive.
Aw, come on,
Robin's not here,
Sam's out of the picture.
You've had the
rest, now try the best.
Happy Valentine's Day, Cliff.
Thank you.
Cliffie, uh, where...
Where is ev...
Cliffie?
(snaps fingers)
Cliffie!
Thank you.
I've had 20-20
vision all my life.
Now when I go to a restaurant,
I have to have
someone at the next table
hold the menu so I can read it.
(both chuckle)
No, you know what the
worst thing about old age is?
It's when you get so old
that the skin under your arms
starts getting loose and
hanging like turkey wattle.
I thought that only
happened to women.
Yeah, that's what I meant.
I just, you know, I
hate to see it, that's all.
Has your doctor put
you on a bran diet?
Oh, yeah, God...
Oh, I tell you...
Oh, thank you. Oh!
Last year was the worst.
You know, I went in for
this stomach problem.
Turned out I had a stone
the size of a golf ball.
Took me a month to pass it.
Sam, has your hair
started turning gray?
Hey, hey. You're getting
a little personal there.
Aren't you?
Sam, look, it's
getting light out.
We've been talking all night.
Oh, hey, how about that?
Wow! You know,
that's... that's a first.
Kind of nice to
know that we have
something in common
besides our bodies.
Oh, yeah, we have
the deterioration
of our bodies. Yeah.
Well, I've got a
long drive ahead.
I better get started.
Oh, no. Wait, wait.
Wait a second here, listen.
Honey, y-you can't go now.
I mean, we barely
spent the night together.
W-Why can't you stay?
Oh, Sam, I would love to,
but you know how this works.
Just one night a year.
Yeah, but that's a stupid
rule, you know that?
I never have understood that.
W-Why can't you stay?
I have to get to Portland
by Presidents' Day.
There's a linebacker
I always meet there.
You, you do this
with other guys?
Well, you have other
women, don't you?
Well, yeah, but not once a year.
I mean, I thought I
was special to you.
Oh, Sam, you are.
You'll always be my Valentine.
Next year.
Yeah, all right.
Bye-bye.
Listen, I could start seeing
you on Arbor Day, too.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Oh, great!
Don't you see another
guy on Arbor Day, though?
I did, but he died.
How?
Happy.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, yeah. We'll
do it next time.
Thank you...
a live studio audience.
No, I don't remember her name.
(wind whistling)
Sammy?
Yeah. Yeah. It's Mike Dukakis.
SAM: Yeah. It's Michael Dukakis.
Let's go say hello
to him. We can't.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! What'll we call him?
What'll we call
him? Uh, Governor.
Ex. Ex-governor.
Ooh, yeah. Your
Honor. There you go.
You... Your Ex Honor.
No, no, no, no, no.
Yeah. Mike.
Michael. Duke! Duke, Duke, Duke!
Duke! Duke! Duke!
Hi. How're you doing? SAM: Hi.
Hi.
(both laughing)
We said hello to
Michael Dukakis!
No, no, we said hi to Mike!
Michael.
No, no. Duke. Duke.
Duke. Duke. We
said hello to Duke.
(theme song begins)
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
♪ Wouldn't you
like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
♪ People are all the same ♪
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
Oh! Uh, uh. Excuse me.
Excuse me, Rebecca.
Uh, 2:15.
Hey, Sammy, here you go.
Thanks, Carla.
Phew! That was close.
What the hell was that?
Sammy's vitamin E.
It's Valentine's Day.
Duh!
Oh, yeah.
That's that stupid date
he goes on once a year
with that... what is
that... Lauren person.
NORM: Stupid?
This is not some
stupid date, Rebecca.
For the last 20 years,
Sammy and Lauren have met
for one night each year.
It's kind of like Sammy's
version of commitment.
Actually,
it's a lot like my
version of commitment.
SAM: Hey, Carla,
how long have you had this
bottle of vitamin E around, huh?
I don't know. A while. Why?
What is with this date
you go on every year?
I mean, you know, to me,
it just... it just seems silly.
(men gasping) Uh-oh!
Come on, guys.
Guys, she just
doesn't understand.
You see, sweetheart,
first time Lauren and I met,
we went up to this
cabin, and we had a night
that was totally
romantic and erotic.
I guess you'd call that silly.
If you liked her so much,
how come you only
see her once a year?
I don't know. I don't
know. It was her idea.
You know, she never told me why.
I keep meaning to ask
her, but then I forget.
This year's going to
be different, though.
I'm gonna pin her down.
No, I better not do that.
Actually, I'll forget
again, won't I?
Well, I still say
it's a stupid way
to spend Valentine's
Day. Yeah, but
that's 'cause you
don't have a date.
Oh, yeah? I happen
to have a date
with two very sweet gentlemen...
Ben and Jerry.
Hey, you know,
it's just a made-up
holiday anyway.
You know, some big
fat greeting card tycoon
trying to get rich
off of dopey cards
and candy hearts.
Don't be depressed about that.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
If you're gonna be
depressed about anything,
it should be the fact
that you're only making
seven bucks an hour,
your skin is starting
to flake at the hairline,
and you're a year
closer to death.
Thank you, Carla.
But, hey, if it makes
you feel any better,
Happy Valentine's Day!
Woody, a couple
of pitchers, please.
Sure, Dr. Crane.
Uh, if you're buying beer
for your friends
back there, Fras,
you know, I'm,
uh... I'm available.
(laughs) Well...
Actually, they're not friends.
It's a therapy group I have
for men who have
trouble relating to women.
(laughing): Well,
set 'em up, Wood.
Ah, Frasier.
Here you are.
And where are the
dysfunctional men?
Throw a rock.
They're in the pool room.
Come along, ladies.
Why don't you go on ahead
into the poolroom and...
make yourselves as comfortable
as five women totally hostile
to their own bodies can be.
After you.
So, uh, what's
going on back there?
Well, Frasier and I are both
treating same-sex groups
with relationship disorders.
And recent studies suggest
that there are benefits
to be gained by bringing
these two groups together
for interrelations
under controlled
social circumstance.
Say what?
Well, come on.
Surely you've all seen,
uh, Love Connection.
Oh!
G... Guys! Guys!
What are you doing out here?
Dr. Crane, there's... there's...
Yes, I know.
There's girls in there.
But you see, you're
missing the point.
This is exactly
the type of situation
we've been training for.
This time it's the real
thing, not just me in a wig.
Whoa! Man, those
stairs are slippery.
Woody, I think we could
use a little salt out there.
These pretzels could
use a little salt, too.
My blood pressure's
actually dipping.
Boy, those patients of
mine are really hopeless.
Well, heck,
bring them out here.
This is the hopeless room.
Yeah, I don't know, Dr. Crane.
Haven't you ever thought
that it's kind of tough on them,
doing all that counseling stuff?
I mean, I was raised to believe
that if you have a problem,
you lock it away
in a secret place.
You keep it bottled
up good and tight.
And if it gets full in there,
you just keep
forcing the pain down
and clamping it in.
Good advice, Woody.
Tick, tick, tick.
Well, guys, I'm all
packed and ready to go.
Hey. Hey. Hey.
You sure you got
everything, Sam?
Yup.
And then some.
Oh! Oh, you dog!
Hey! You dog!
Well, hey, I'm out of here.
No, no, no.
No, you don't, Sam Malone!
SAM: What?
You don't just leave here
on your 20th-anniversary
date with Lauren just like that.
We got something special
cooked up for you. Carla,
hit it.
(fanfare plays)
Ah, look at him go.
So proud,
so majestic,
so regal.
(thudding, Sam grunting)
CARLA: Woody,
you never salted
those steps, did you?
Hey, I'll get to it.
Let me see.
I don't believe
there's a fracture,
just a serious sprain
right around lumbar three.
Does it hurt when I do this?
(groaning)
That's good. That's good.
Ooh. Why? Does that
mean I'm gonna get better?
No. Because it means I
know what I'm talking about.
You see, Lilith, I could
so have been a real doctor.
Hey, give me a hand
here, will you, Woody?
Oh, geez.
Time's a-wastin', my friend.
Oh, Sam, you're
not seriously thinking
of still going on
this date, are you?
You bet I am. NORM: All right!
(men cheering)
Sam, I seriously urge you
to stay off your
feet and in bed.
Well, that's part of
the plan, there, Fras.
Hey, Woody, can you
do me one tiny little favor?
Sure, Sam. What is it?
Can you get me up to my
car, then drive me to Vermont,
then get me into the cabin?
What's in it for me?
Well, you could use that
new gas card of yours
to fill the tank.
All right! I'll feel
so grown up!
All right, Sam.
I'm gonna drive you up there,
and I don't want you
to worry about a thing.
I'm a very good driver.
Great. Great.
Just go, please.
♪ Ding, ding, ding. ♪
What are you doing?
"The captain is requesting
that all passengers please
fasten their safety belts."
Oh.
(groans)
C-Can you get
that for me, please?
Sure, Sam.
Where is that
seat belt? (grunts)
Here it is.
Ow!
That hurt!
I'm sorry.
(clicking seat belt)
Nice and snug.
Here we go.
(car engine starts)
Ignition, lights,
parking brake,
mirror, signal.
(turn signal clicking)
Blind spot.
Vermont,
here we come.
(brakes squeal) Lord have mercy!
What? What happened? Aah!
Well, I didn't think
that pigeon was
gonna fly away in time.
Why do they always
wait till the last minute?
What, do they think
that's funny or something?
Aw, I don't know, Woody...
All right. All right,
Sam, hang on.
We're gonna pull out again.
Mirror, signal, blind spot.
(turn signal clicking)
There.
"Exit 19.
Concord Street."
"Exit 20."
"Route 125."
Woody...
Hang on, Sam.
"93 North."
Oh, no, please, don't
read all the road signs.
Oh, fine, Sam.
Would you like me to
ignore the speed limit, too?
I wouldn't mind if
you approached it.
Meow, Sam.
(rattling)
Sam, I hear some rattling.
Is your door closed all the way?
No, it's not.
Here, I'll get it.
No, no, hang on. I-I'm gonna
pull over as soon
as I make this turn.
(sighs) No, don't
undo your seat belt!
Give me a break.
Will you lighten up?
Whoa! (thudding)
Now would that have happened
if you'd been wearing
your safety belt?
Now boys, girls,
I have an orange under my chin.
I am going to attempt to
pass it to this lovely woman,
whom I do not fear.
Now you see, isn't that fun?
Whoa!
Now, why don't you
have a crack at it?
Edward, how about you?
Come on.
Here we are. That's lovely.
Okay. Ready?
Yes. Good, good, good, yes.
I don't think I want
to do this, Dr. Crane.
Oh, all right!
And what would you
suggest that we do?
Stare at one another?
Lord knows you've all
had enough practice at that!
You're pressuring them, Doctor.
Oh, you're right, darling. Uh...
You know, perhaps we should try
a different approach.
You know, there is
a technique pioneered
in the early 60's,
which is thought
to be without peer
in producing the social
effect that we seek.
I'm referring, of course, to...
Twister!
LILITH: Left foot blue.
(door opens)
Oh, yeah.
Ah, this place is going to
see some action tonight.
Oh, Sam, you've
still got a little gravel
stuck to the back of your neck.
Yeah? Well, I like it like that.
Just get me on the bed there.
You can take off and come
pick me up in the morning.
(car approaching)
Oh, hey, that's
Lauren's car there.
Oh, great! I'm really looking
forward to meeting her.
No, no, man. You g...
you got to get out of here.
If she sees you, she's gonna
think something's wrong.
It'll ruin the mood. Just
quick... get out the window.
Go on! Oh, sure.
"Quick, out the window."
Not exactly the undying
thanks and gratitude
I might expect after driving
200 miles through the snow.
Would you just shut
up and move your butt?
Oh, that's much better, Sam.
That'll keep me warm
on the drive home.
Sam, there's a door here.
Why'd I go out the window?
Would you get out of here?!
Go on!
Happy Valentine's Day, Sam.
Happy Valentine's Day, Lauren.
Aww... wait.
Why? Wh-what are you doing?
I want to get a
running start. No-no!
No! No! Lauren!
Nooooo!
Now you have to
play by the rules.
The bottle is clearly
pointing at Jill.
Now, Jules, you
have to kiss her.
I pass.
For the hundredth
time, you cannot pass!
Okay, I quit.
Perhaps it's time
we admit our failure.
It was a well-intentioned
experiment,
but we realize now
that you're not ready
for this type of
social interaction.
I guess we can only
conclude by saying,
"Oh, well."
FRASIER: No!
I'm not giving up!
How difficult can it
be to kiss a woman?
Be a little assertive
for once in your life!
Now you see how
easy that was? Again.
Again!
Class dismissed. Let's go, hon.
(Lauren moans)
Sam, is something wrong?
Mm-mm, why?
You're biting your lip. Mm.
Usually, you bite
my lip. (chuckles)
I'm sorry.
I have an idea. Ow!
(sultry music plays)
Let's dance the way
we used to, Sam.
(chuckles)
You know something,
we always dance.
W-Why don't we just, uh...
why don't we just
sit very still, huh?
Yeah, i-it could become
a new tradition for us.
Come on, Sam, let's slow dance.
(grunts): No!
You like that, huh?
Hey, I've got a great idea here.
Let's, uh, tell you what.
You want to learn that new
dance that's sweeping Boston?
I'm game. What do we do?
The guy kind of stands
like this, very still.
And sometimes
he leans up against something.
And pretty soon his
legs start to tremble.
Sort of the way yours are now.
Yeah, yeah.
There, you like it?
(snapping fingers)
Well, what does the girl do?
Usually she runs for some ice.
You don't want to
dance, do you, Sam?
No, you know, the
truth is, I really don't.
Sam, what's going on?
What do you mean?
Never mind.
I think I know.
(music stops)
I mean, it's obvious.
I'm not exactly as young
as I used to be and, um...
Oh, sweetheart, wait a minute.
Wait, is that what you think?
Well, it's okay. You
can level with me.
I've gotten too old for you.
Oh, no. Listen, age
has nothing to do with it.
You... you are still
as young and sexy
as that first day
and night and next
morning that we met.
Really, Sam?
Then why are you
acting so standoffish?
Yeah... oh, honey, I've
got to level with you here.
Sweetie, I fell down
the steps today.
I threw my back out.
I can barely move.
Oh...
Well, I'm not surprised,
a man your age.
Hey, look!
That cute guy, with
the hairy knuckles,
he just left me a five buck
tip inside this Valentine.
How 'bout that?
So what?
I thought that we...
didn't care...
about that...
stupid made-up...
Valentine corporate garbage.
That's just what losers say
when they don't get any.
But I got one, and at 11:40.
Right under the wire.
Whoa, I almost pulled
a Rebecca that time.
That's not very nice, Carla.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I almost forgot.
Guess who called you
to wish you a Happy
Valentine's Day? Who?
Nobody!
Well, don't you
worry there, Rebecca.
Nobody's a loser on this day.
I'm not going to, uh,
let you leave the
bar empty-handed.
What's this?
It's a Valentine's
card I got for Ma,
but I, I think it
suits you better.
Gee, Cliff, thanks.
Hey! Carla!
I did get one!
So, uh...
what am I gonna get for it?
What do you mean?
Eh, come on,
baby, swing a little.
What?
Well, according to Fras, uh,
babes like guys
who are assertive.
Aw, come on,
Robin's not here,
Sam's out of the picture.
You've had the
rest, now try the best.
Happy Valentine's Day, Cliff.
Thank you.
Cliffie, uh, where...
Where is ev...
Cliffie?
(snaps fingers)
Cliffie!
Thank you.
I've had 20-20
vision all my life.
Now when I go to a restaurant,
I have to have
someone at the next table
hold the menu so I can read it.
(both chuckle)
No, you know what the
worst thing about old age is?
It's when you get so old
that the skin under your arms
starts getting loose and
hanging like turkey wattle.
I thought that only
happened to women.
Yeah, that's what I meant.
I just, you know, I
hate to see it, that's all.
Has your doctor put
you on a bran diet?
Oh, yeah, God...
Oh, I tell you...
Oh, thank you. Oh!
Last year was the worst.
You know, I went in for
this stomach problem.
Turned out I had a stone
the size of a golf ball.
Took me a month to pass it.
Sam, has your hair
started turning gray?
Hey, hey. You're getting
a little personal there.
Aren't you?
Sam, look, it's
getting light out.
We've been talking all night.
Oh, hey, how about that?
Wow! You know,
that's... that's a first.
Kind of nice to
know that we have
something in common
besides our bodies.
Oh, yeah, we have
the deterioration
of our bodies. Yeah.
Well, I've got a
long drive ahead.
I better get started.
Oh, no. Wait, wait.
Wait a second here, listen.
Honey, y-you can't go now.
I mean, we barely
spent the night together.
W-Why can't you stay?
Oh, Sam, I would love to,
but you know how this works.
Just one night a year.
Yeah, but that's a stupid
rule, you know that?
I never have understood that.
W-Why can't you stay?
I have to get to Portland
by Presidents' Day.
There's a linebacker
I always meet there.
You, you do this
with other guys?
Well, you have other
women, don't you?
Well, yeah, but not once a year.
I mean, I thought I
was special to you.
Oh, Sam, you are.
You'll always be my Valentine.
Next year.
Yeah, all right.
Bye-bye.
Listen, I could start seeing
you on Arbor Day, too.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Oh, great!
Don't you see another
guy on Arbor Day, though?
I did, but he died.
How?
Happy.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, yeah. We'll
do it next time.
Thank you...